To view the other articles in this series, click on the category of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the right side of my blog. Be sure to read Gaslighting: The Narcissist’s Game. As my friend Jan says, “It’s like coming in after the movie has started…”
I had no idea that when I wrote “Gaslighting: A Narcissist’s Game” that it would strike the ‘nerve’ that it has. “The stories you have heard are true, the names were changed to protect the innocent…..”
There were examples of the “gaslighting madness” inflicted on me that I have had to leave out; the situations were far too identifying. There were many vague and truly odd things that happened while I was ‘friends’ with the N, while I was in the midst of D&D. (Devalue and Discard) I think many of those memories have been blocked by my subconscious.
I wrote the first post on “gaslighting” because I found very little information on this abuse. I felt that if I needed information, maybe other people did too. So I started doing research.
The best article I’ve come across is entitled “Ambient Abuse” written by Dr. Sam Vankin. I found Dr. Vankin’s site when I was researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder after the final D&D…(I have since figured out that there is no “final” where the N is concerned.) Dr. Vankin has probably the best site for information on NPD, for very good reason: Dr. Vankin is a narcissist.
It was after first reading Dr. Vankin’s articles I realized what my ‘friend’ was. I can hear you saying, “only a doctor can diagnose NPD.” Seriously, what are the chances that the N is EVER going to darken the door of a therapist’s office?? Besides, after reading the DSM-IV, the ”Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”, the N has all 9 characteristics. That realization was like “fingernails on a blackboard” for me. If that isn’t scary enough for you, on the MSN groups Narcissistic Personality Disorder forum, there is a list of 20 behaviors/traits of a Narcissist. The N had 18 out of 20. The missing two characteristics? He probably has those too, but I had not experienced those aspects of his personality. Lucky me.
I was looking for specific examples of gaslighting on the Internet. Was this comment or that behavior just a quirk of the N? Or Was he really gaslighting me? Dr. Vankin’s article on “Ambient Abuse” confirmed my fears, the N had been using these techniques to damage me.
It was quite sometime after the N moved on to other, “less drained” sources of supply that his covert operations were confirmed. Friends told me one evening that often they would see the N in my office, after hours. After I had left for the day. They wondered why he was there, but never wanted to confront the N. Can you blame them? Sadly, it never occurred to them to tell me what they had witnessed.
If they had, it would have been validation for me - I wasn’t going crazy; there was a crazy individual in my life.
(Bet you thought I was going to call him a person.)
Bear with me…as I finish my NPD posts. Yes, these posts will eventually come to an end; I still have a few more things to say. It was after I finished the “Mirror, Mirror” post that I felt “cleansed” from the abusive friendship. Victims/targets of a narcissist rarely, excuse me, NEVER get closure; this is mine.
**Footnote…..On “Desperate Housewives” shown on October 26, 2008….one of the male characters had begun “gaslighting” the elderly woman who lives in the neighborhood. What that character did, moving possessions…that is what the N did to me. On the television drama, the male character admits to the elderly woman that yes, he was trying to drive her crazy as she lays in an ambulance, with no witnesses.
We are left not knowing “why” at the end of the evening’s telecast. I know the feeling; I used to occasionally wonder what The N’s real motive was with me. I know now. It was simply to abuse another human being. Try wrapping your mind around that.
This is all very interesting to me. I’ve just awakened from a nineteen yr long nap with an N husband and many crazy moments. I was just joking was his line after insulting me and if I couldn’t take it he just wouldn’t joke around, ever again. It really set the mood and for some reason it happened mostly in the car. A definite technique, not a quirk.
RC
Congratulations on your 1000+ hits as I know how you’ve struggled at times. It has been SO rewarding for me to blog about NPD as so many people are reeling from the aftermath of their own close encounter with a narcissist. Having others read about what you went through is an amazing source of validation – YES, it did happen. For too many, they’re still asking, “Is it just me?”
Ruth-
Welcome back after your long nap. It doesn’t feel right for me to say, “I know how you feel.” I only lost nineteen months, not years.
I always noticed that about my N – friend…the abuses, the “jokes” always took place when there were no wittnesses.
ES
Having spent a good few hours reading the posts & comments on this site, I have to say it’s the most helpful I have come across,…Sam Vankin’s great too, actually if I hadn’t found his site in the first place i would still be thinking of myself as ‘a monster’ the N’s favourite way to describe me.
It’s been 20 days with no contact, well apart from me phoning to see if he wanted something i had of his, i was cold and straight to the point and didn’t even say bye, just put the phone down on him, he hasn’t called me, which i’m finding strange cos normally he does, acting as if nothings ever happened, u know the drill. The split from from my N was initiated by me, just thought i’d mention that!
We have been together for nearly 8 yrs, oh god seeing that actually written down makes me want to cry..again. Why oh why did i ever get into this HORRIBLE mess in the first place? I have a lots of hellish stories to tell & I really need lots of support from all of you out there who have suffered at the hands of these soul destroying creatures. But, for now i’m just too exhaused to tell my tales, i know after reading so many stories on this site that you will understand that feeling. The worse thing about all this..and I would only say this to you all who know what i’m going through…is that i’m hoping he will call, i miss pretend guy so much i actually ache inside, i feel numb like life will never be normal let alone good ever again.
Basically, the split happened when he made one of his usual off hand remarks, demonising me AGAIN and i flipped and do mean FLIPPED and let him have it!, i actually think i scared the s**t out of him, i told him exactly what he was. AND NOW I’M FEELING GUILTY FOR BEEN SO HORRIBLE, ARGHHHH! Phew, i think that’s enough for now but i’ll be back…question is, will my ex N?
ps WOW if feels good to vent!
Lauren:
Welcome to what I hope will be the beginning of healing for you. I am touched and honored that you have found my site so helpful. My desire was to help others with my words after having lived through the N.
Keep reading.
I have a new post coming out soon called what has been so many Search Engine hits….”Missing Pretend Guy.”
Gotta run – More Later.
ES
Elisse,
I think the last sentence of this post highlights how hard it is to perceive where the N is coming from. Like you, I have done extensive research on this subject (with lots of red wine too!)… I have been almost 9 years with an N, the 3 most recent of which have occurred AFTER I realized he is an N! (thank you Google, and Sam Vankin) (and red wine).
Anyway, you said you still occasionally wonder what the N’s motive was with you, but you answer that question all over this blog: you were supply. Full stop. His motive with you was supply. The gaslighting takes place so he can prove / is secure in the fact that he is in control…. so even though you are going through D&D, he knows he can still come back, because he’s in charge. That’s the motive. Tough one still for me to wrap my head around…
Ces:
Re: the N’s motive. Yes, I was supply, and he had lots of power/control through the gaslighting and the multiple devalue-discards. But he’s not coming back…he may try, but he will find that the drawbridge is up and the moat is guarded by a dragon. (Been reading too many books about castles and knights and sword fights.)
There was something very sinister about the N. He was VERY vindictive and hateful. That Is why I say I wonder what his motive was. The N was devoid of empathy…the number 1 characteristic of a psychopath….not unlike the character in “Desperate Housewives.” I haven’t found out his motivation either.
ES
Wow…I have been in a marriage for 12 yrs with a Narcissist. At first I couldnt figure it out…then I found old medical records that stated he was passive aggressive with narcissistic tendencies! That sealed it the more I read the more I felt un-safe. I finally left and after living in the same house for over a year and not speaking not having sex etc…he now wants to talk and call me to see how I am. I 2 went thru a few nights unsure of myself, questioning why I left…but I forced myself to see the bright side and I am happy about that. Oh he keeps trying, but emotionally I am so out of it…that it’s disgusting just to hear his voice. I have been gaslighted, dealt with the sarcastic jokes, head games you name it. This guy is a weirdo…what’s funny is he is an engineer and makes good money. I always told him I don’t believe in divorce…he thought I would be his supply for ever! Anyway, I left. He is jealous that I am doing great without him. I dont understand everything yet but I know that he is Narcissistic, deals with passive agression and goes into these demonic rages! I hope you ladies get out! I hope you know that life is beautiful. They will make your life ugly if you fall for their sinister behaviors. Be strong and figure your life out alone, without them. I thank God each day that I am out, I sleep with peace, I wake up with peace. He on the other hand is still miserable. I used to sleep with a hammer next to me and I would booby trap the door in case he tried to come in. THAT IS NOT LIVING! He would scare me when I would be home alone. Creep up the steps and just watch me. I believe his mother is the same way. I thought it was depression at first but then I was gaslighted, tormented, you name it.
He’s in the process of a big D and D with me. He also works 10 feet away from me and everyone thinks he’s super charming and funny and intelligent. Thank God for this outlet.
Angie: So sorry that you have to work with him. I know what’s that’s like. You’d be surprised…I bet not everyone thinks “he’s wonderful” they are are just afrid to say outloud what they really think. Someday hopefully you will find out like I did…I was surprised at how many fellow workers thought The N was an a** h***.