FAQ’s: Can You Truly Forgive a Narcissist?

 

 

  Post updated on 12/12/2008….because I realized I have so much more to say on this matter…

Sometimes I get my best ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  This phrase was one that caught my attention this week.  To whoever…whomever… (?) entered this search term….thank you. 

     Can you truly forgive the Narcissist? 

That’s a good question.  Can you?  Must we? If a person is truly trying be like Christ…..then one must forgive the individual who caused them so much grief, pain, turmoil, agony, brokenness….how many synonyms can I use…..?  I could cite scripture references on forgiveness….but I already know what they say…we are to forgive our enemies.  So easy to say…..so easy to do…..if you are Divine…I’m not. 

I used to pray for the N.  Just like I pray for my family, my friends, my sons…Before the “final” D & D (Devalue and Discard), while we were “friends”  I would pray that the N would find favor in work situations.  I prayed for his “relationships” within his family. 

I made the mistake of telling him once that I prayed for him re: this situation or that….I think he may have started to view me as his “Lucky Charm.”  I tried to teach him, to educate him, to help him “open his eyes and his heart” that it was not me praying for him, that was bringing about positive changes in his life….rather it was Father God, the Son, the Holy Spirit that was doing the changing…of him.  Oops, there was another mistake I made, telling that precious truth to someone who believes I am “polytheistic” in my faith.  Do not throw your pearls before swine…..

The Bible does say that we are to pray for our enemies, so that’s what I did.  No, it was NOT easy.  Here’s a verse…extremely paraphrased….”Pray for your enemies and in doing so…you will heap hot coals of burning fire upon their heads…..”  Sounds delightful to me……Forgive me Father, I know that is the wrong desire, but I also know that You did not Design us to be “door mats.” 

 After (an) the “D & D”, I prayed that our friendship would be repaired, (how seriously twisted was that desire on my part?) that the N would forgive me for whatever it was that I had done, that made him angry enough to treat me as he did. 

What had I done?  Let’s see, I was human.  I didn’t mirror what he wanted to see.  I called him on his hideous behavior.  I was “bad supply.”  Oh what a wicked source of supply I was…..

There came a point when I finally realized that I should not be praying for the N…that I should not, could not pray for the N, any longer.  Praying for him kept him in my head; in my heart.  I needed his evil exorcised from me.  I stopped praying for him; and started praying for myself…that the Lord would help me recover and heal.   

I am/will be eternally grateful to God for providing His Abundant Grace for me. I will not be like Christ, this side of the Veil.  No matter how much I focus on God’s Word, pray, spend time in church…try to be a “cookie-cutter Christian”…I will never be like the Father while I am here on earth. 

What a relief that is!  It does not stop me from trying to emulate Christ…it does stop be from beating myself up when I am not….which is everyday. 

Forgiveness of the N who abused me is not something that comes easy.  Can I genuinely forgive the Narcissist for the abuses that he inflicted on me?  I don’t know if I can or not.  With God’s help I can. 

The N told me that many individuals hated me.  (Projection)  I was having a conversation with one of them recently.  I had decided to purge myself of the some of the pain that the N had left me with.  It felt good to be a “tattletale” although I knew what I was going to share, was going to hurt this person. There was a moment of silent prayer when I asked God to forgive me for hurting  this woman, when I revealed to her the lies….lies that the N had convinced me were Truth. 

After I divulged the truth to her…when she regained her composure…she said, “Forgive and Forget.”  I looked at her, dumbfounded…… I thought “Wait just a minute here!….You can’t possibly be telling me to forgive that (*^& (^*&^ ))&*%(*^+^***#{ +#%!!!
(I sometimes have a very colorful way of speaking.)

“Forgive and Forget!?”  I was starting to say, “No!”  
Then she continued……”Forgive him for being an *** ^#*>….. and Forget that he exists!” 
She let that sink in.  

(Someone should make that into a counted cross stitch!  I know I’d buy one.)  A sly smile spread across my face.  “I can certainly do that!” I said.  Forget he exists….I have been NC (No Contact) with him for months.  That was my choice.  He is dead to me….

I know he’s an *** ^#*>…..a liar, a warped and twisted mind….I refuse to make excuses for his behavior, like so many other individuals do…I am declaring that he is a seriously damaged individual….I acknowledge that he was incapable to do anything to change his past….I can forgive him for being incapable to change his future…he is unable, he is unwilling to seek professional help…he is forever frozen as a weak, fragile toddler and that is truly tragic.  I pray that in his future, he will not destroy any more innocent lives….or lives of those not yet living, those precious human beings that do not deserve one iota of his abuse.  I pray that if any innocents are unknowingly intertwined with him, that God will show the innocents a clear way of escape. 

     If this doesn’t sound like forgiveness….then hopefully it sounds a little bit like progress.