This afternoon, a friend brought me the mail from my box.
There were a couple of memos, lots of junk mail, magazines, catalogs,
….the usual things.
At the bottom of the stack was an envelope addressed to the N.
Now if my life were a movie, this would be the moment in the film where the orchestra music would swell with a tense portion of the score…..the strings, the woodwinds, the trumpets, the English horns….the harps….Hey! This is my horror movie….I want a full orchestra.
But it’s not a movie. It’s just my boring life, (my life that had an N in it for a while.) I can visualize a guy with an axe running across the screen from stage left….cue the screams.
Three years ago, seeing that envelope would have made me feel like all the air had been sucked out of my universe. I wouldn’t have been able to function for the rest of the day, thinking about the loss of my friend(ship.)
Three years ago, my obsessive thought…the only thing I would have be able to do….the compulsive desire…would have been to return the envelope to his mailbox.
Or.
Worse yet. Deliver it to him in person. Big mistake. Huge.
And I would have felt a constant aching, gaping void.
I know…very dramatic…however true.
Today my response was…
“Huh…Would you look at that? Somebody screwed up in the mail room.”
I felt nothing. I sat at my desk. In my office.
For once it was peacefully quiet…and thought nothing about this piece of correspondence.
A smile spread across my face as I realized that I could honestly say, “Whatever.”
What do you do about missing the “Pretend Guy?”
When I check my blog, sometimes I will look at the Search Engine Terms that people use to find me. My friend taught me this trick. When the “Writing Muse” is evasive, I read through the terms and sometimes I get “inspiration”.
There is a phrase that continues to come up in terms that really tugs at my heart. It brings back painful memories – like a wave of grief washing over me. I feel raw writing about that period of time, after The N…but if people are using this term as a search, then I need to share what I’ve learned.
But I need a glass of wine….talk amongst yourselves for a moment….
This terminology was the perfect description for a man who pretended to be my friend. When the friendship was over after the “last” D & D…during the next four months that I beat myself up…blaming myself for the loss of a friendship that never really was….
I was “Missing Pretend Guy”
(If your N was a female, feel free to change it to Girl.)
When I discovered there was something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that ‘my friend’ the N, had 18 of the 20 characteristics….(actually he probably had all 20.) I still foolishly thought that the N could be fixed.
I’ll wait for you to stop laughing.
It took more time and more instances of D & D for me to realized that his personality disorder was woven into the very fabric of his ‘being’. This ugly ‘quilt’ that was his personality could not be changed. You couldn’t go to the store and buy a new duvet and tuck the ugly quilt in it…something new to make it pretty… This disordered individual could not be thrown into the washer with Mountain Fresh Tide and an extra cupful of Downy….there was no way to wash away his abnormal way of interacting with people…
Okay, enough of the bedding analogy. Hope it helps you understand.
After months of reading…actually it took closer to a year, for me to be able to wrap my mind around the fact that ‘my friend’ was not what he presented himself to be. He wasn’t Pretend Guy. Pretend Guy didn’t exist…he never had. Coming to terms with that made me feel like I was in some weird Twilight Zone movie marathon, and that Rod Sterling was going to walk out from behind the drapes. Even knowing all that. it still didn’t stop me from missing Pretend Guy.
Everything that my ‘friend’ the N had portrayed himself to be was false. Pretend Guy was like an imaginary friend…
(but not like the one in Sundays at Tiffany’s.) The person that I thought was my friend, didn’t exist….but the alien who created the illusion did. The alien was Real – Actual Guy; he was real ugly & really nasty.
When the N dropped his mask after D & D’s, too numerous to count, it was truly rare for me to see Pretend Guy.
If I was unfortunate enough to witness a performance of Pretend Guy, his ‘warmth and caring’ was always directed to some other person. When I would witness this charade, every fiber in my being wanted to scream out…I wanted to shake the receiver of his kindness. “Don’t you see? He is not the professional, charming, kind, human being you think he is! He’s not even human!” Watching these scenes made me nauseated.
While I was recovering from the loss, not a day went by that I didn’t miss Pretend Guy. Some days were worse than others. I would stay busy, but inevitably, a quiet moment of the day would come. Sometimes the memory would sneak up on me. Perhaps it was the time of day that was sometimes spent in the company of the N. Whatever the reason, the pain would come to me fresh and raw.
I learned to accept it; you could almost say that I embraced it. At least feeling the pain let me know I was still breathing. I was still alive. Unlike the N, I was human and capable of feeling loss.
I would often talk about him to my close friends like he was dead because well, he was.
I gave myself permission to grieve Pretend Guy.
Give yourself permission too.
I would tell some of the funny stories he had told me…who knows if they were lies or the truth. I would use some of his phrases when talking to those who knew of his ‘demise’. For all intensive purposes, it was like having a memorial service for Pretend Guy.
(Just the other day a friend of mine mentioned THE funniest thing I think I ever heard the N say in response to a fellow colleague. I wish that I could tell you…but like they say, you really had to be there. Anyway, I laughed so hard I cried, and then we intermittently giggled from time to time the rest of the day. )
I wish I could present you with an easy step by step guide for getting over the phase of “Missing Pretend Guy”. I don’t have a book to sell you. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is an easy fix.
Time really did help.
I won’t say that “Time heals all wounds” because frankly that is the biggest load of BS ever written. Whoever coined that phrase should be slapped; they never met this Narcissist. (Oh watch, I’ll get mail over this….”my great great great aunt wrote that in 1892!”)
NC = (No Contact) was and still is the BEST thing, EVER.
No Contact is simply that. No Contact! No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no notes, no letters, no post-it notes, no memos, no waves, no polite greetings…Nothing.
Pretend Guy can’t answer the phone, email, write or wave.
Real guy could do those things if he was human or cared, but he’s not and he doesn’t.
And no, you can’t have a friend /relative /aquaintance get a message to him. Don’t play that game. The N is far better at playing games than you are. And, you must ask yourself….Do you really want to play his sick games any longer?
I know for people with children by a Narcissistic partner, NC is difficult, but still necessary, and hopefully communication can be carried out for the most part through your attorney or solicitor.
For those of us where the N was a friend, NC is amazing! It feels so good to turn the tables and give his behavior back to him. The victims/targets of the N feel so helpless at times; to be able to direct the “ignoring” behavior back at him (to use a phrase of his) “is simply grand.”
After I had grieved for a time, his name, the stories and his stupid cliches were banned from my office. We declared it a “N – Free Zone.” The office has been sanitized for my protection.
I hope that hearing about my experiences has at least given you the comfort in knowing that there is ”light at the end of the tunnel.” Here I am, 3 years later - I survived. Sure, there are flaws, marks that were not there before; but I’d like to think that they have added character and depth. (With a little Spackle, I can fill them right in.)
Can I look back on those two years we were “friends” and laugh?
No. I’ll let you know if, and when, that ever happens.
Are you wondering about that envelope that found its way to my mail box?
Don’t worry – I didn’t open it and I didn’t deliver it to him. I dropped it in the outgoing mail bag.
Just like Karma… IT will find him, eventually.
Postscript:
The phrase Pretend Guy was one that I found early during my research of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I went back through reams of paper….most of them being yellow highlighted. The good news is, I found the article and here is the link. The author’s name is Alexandra Nouri. The article I found was called “Missing the Narcissist.”
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/so-you-re-in-love-with-a-narcissist-by-alexandra-nouri-t993.html
If the link does not work, you can also Google – “Missing The Narcissist.” You can find Alex’s writings there too. Sadly, Alex’s web site is not to be found. But fortunately someone at:
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org cared enough to save Alex’s posts.
Alex:
I hope you are well and safe.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world. I am speaking for ALL of us when I say that we are grateful.
Peace.
“His ‘warmth and caring’ was always directed to some other person” – Yes, I also was treated to these “performances.” In retrospect, almost everything about the N is “pretend,” which is what makes the whole experience so hard to sort out.
I’d like to think that the price of stock for yellow highlighters will plummet, but there’s so many people out there who have yet to understand who/what they’re dealing with.
You’ve come such a long way, Elisse. Thanks for sharing your experience so that others may learn from it and rejoin the “real” world.
Jan told me you’d written this piece…I do check from time to time but was glad to be told to come look NOW lol
I relate to soooo much of this… I still find it helpful to hear about others who had an N friend as most things I read are from N ‘lovers’. Its especially good to read how far you’ve come ! HUGS
i’m not so far down the road to recovery… i spent 6+ years with my mostly online N friend. I think maybe for the last year or so it was only my determination that kept the friendship going at all… it was clear he wasn’t at all interested, he’d so moved on from me…hindsight especially shows this lol but magic thinking kept me holding on tightly. I had by now read about N’s and felt sure this was him…
It was almost a year ago that we ‘talked’ for the last time and I’m sure he deleted me, well at that time I too decided enough is enough…since then I wrote a mail for his birthday.. my intention was to write bday and xmas but nothing else…in my bday mail I wrote all I needed to say, it was short but made it clear he knows where I am if he needs/wants me etc ( I had my fingers crossed he never would tho…. but I needed to be able to say I was here for him..long story ) When xmas came I decided NOT to write and haven’t since.
I’m not totally NC , I do still N dip online more often than I’d like to but I’ve come so far and now its not the obsession it was that almost tied me to the house ! I’m soooo happy to have my life back… to be free again and off the dreadful rollercoaster….
BUT like u I missed pretend guy… I still do. I remind me constantly he’s NOT the great guy I loved so much etc etc but it defo takes time for the heart to catch up with the brain. It’s sad and hard to know the person was never really real…
To be honest the whole experience is sureal and so hard to explain to anyone unless theyve been unlucky enough to go thro it.
I know how far I’ve come and I know in time I’ll feel even better about it… but I also know I’ll never totally recover.. in some ways the experience has made me a better person, from the good bits and the bad.. but it has also damaged me beyond belief… its so crazy making, and even now I can’t say I wish he’d never hapened… some days I think that but other days not… ahhhhhh lol
one day at a time is the way forward.
Thanks so much for this and all the N blogs you’ve written… they really do help those of us reading them. May u continue to never look back !
HUGS
Bev: You’re welcome! When I kept seeing the phrase “Missing Pretend Guy” I knew that I would have to force myself to finish a post that I started months ago. Glad I did. Seems that many of you out there in Cyberland needed to read it too.
Keep looking forward and keep your ‘piggies’ (toes) out of the “N – Pool.”
ES
It is unreal to me that I have been devalued by the man I thought really loved me. These posts are like reading my story and I have had 4 therapists (2 who work with him) Yes can you believe he is a therapist and minister!! They tell me to stay away from him – that he is very disordered. But he tells me I am disordered and don’t know it. Can this be true? He has now moved in with a new woman who he wants me to meet so we can all be friends. I can see this man in every post. Why does every new woman fall for this – I want to tell her but I know like me she thinks she has found her soul mate! I have been with him for 8 years during which he has had three different relationships – He is always the leaver!!! He even left his wife after 22 years – Why does he never get hurt?? Will he-Is there ever a good final relationship? I know it is selfish but I just want him to hurt as much as I do- Will she find out who he is or just be dropped like the rest of us!!! I know I am rambling on and on but I really feel like I am losing my mind – My friends say stop reading about n and get on with your life so I appreciate the wisdom of this is no normal breakup!!!!!! I hope it is not too late for me to gain my sanity Thanks for listening.
Susan – Whew! First of all you are not losing your mind. We’ve all felt like this. I don’t know how long ago the “final” D & D happened, but this is how we all feel at one point. And just so you know, sometimes the feelings cycle around like you are starting over again, but you’re not. It’s just the process.
I will give you a few suggestions. NC! That does not stand for North Carolina, it stands for No Contact, meaning just that. No Contact. No phone calls, no messages, no text messages, (personally I never got the hang of text msging) no emails, no post-it notes, no notes in the offering plate, no notes on the windshield, no messages passed along by a well meaning friend/co-worker/therapists. No nothing.
You are going to pretend like he does not exist. (The N I had a “frieNdship” with treated me like this.) IS it going to be easy? No!
It’s going to hurt like hell. (Gasp, yes, I swore.) But do the D&D’s leave you with warm fuzzy feelings? Does the insanity of his lies and his projections on you leave you feeling serene? Hardly, I dare say.
He tells you that you are disordered? That is one of their little games called Projection. The N did it to me too…and after I came out of the fog…I realized it was bull****.
I appreciate your friends telling you to get on with life…but what they don’t realize is that the N has sucked the life out of you, it is hard to know where to start. It is like when the Dementors (a Harry Potter analogy here) suck the life out of a victim. No, this was no normal relationship, and the break ups keep happening.
So, Let’s take the Elisse Stuart NC challenge….I know this is going to be hard. For two weeks, have absolutely No Contact with him. At the end of the two weeks, see how you feel. Then aim for another 2 weeks. I predict that one thing you are going to start noticing is that the Narcissistic Fog has lifted. Feeling more like the you from 8 years ago, you may not recognize her at first.
Give it a try. Some days will be harder than others. Talk a walk, read a book, take a nap, watch a movie. Take care of yourself.
It is going to be okay, it will take time.
Comment back and let me know how you are.
ES
Susan – Your story sounds a lot like mine! My ex-N left me after I miscarried and after many on and off-agains – the latest stating that he wanted to be with me…he only a few hours later texted me that he got a (married) woman pregnant and is moving close to her to be a “good father” and because she is “skinny, blonde, & big-boobed”. Nice, huh?
So, NO! This kind of person cannot be hurt! If only they could! But, its solely their egos that get dinged. This is sooo frustrating!
Part of me wants to warn this woman, but I am sure he has her charmed like he did with me in the beginning…and I am sure I would’ve disregarded any warning from an ex as vindictiveness. I truly DO worry for her and for the child (if that is true – who knows? That could be another lie, too), but I need to take care of myself first.
It IS crazy making! I hope that I am not too damaged and untrusting to ever have a normal relationship again. I’ve blocked his texts, calls and told him if he comes by my house I will call the police. So far, so good.
Also, I can’t even articulate how much this website and posts like yours have made me feel better – relieved and supported and stronger when I have my ‘dark nights of the soul’.
Stay strong. No contact, sister!
Erica – Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and with Susan.
It really helps to know that none of us are alone on our journey to recovery.
ES
Elisse and Erica, Thank you so much for responding so quickly- The D and D started in March – I am not sure I mentioned that I work with him so no contact is a little more difficult. He will be gone for the next 10 days so I am going to start now- I know it is going to be hard because I still am trying to make him into a normal person even though I can see he is the pretend man- The hardest thing for me is that I am imagining that he is not disordered with this new woman who he moved in with- But he really can’t be any different can he? I feel so depressed but sometimes I think it is because I don’t have the drama in my life and I feel like and empty shell. Is it true he has drained me of life? I have taken care of and covered for him at work for several years because he is too busy being a fake to really do his job- now that I am not covering for him- I am afraid he is going to try to sabotage me so I lose my job so I try to be nice to him and work but he is so cruel and even tells me I can’t go to the restaurant we use to eat lunch at every day. He is a good actor at work and other than the other therapists he is seen as “the GOD of the *********” where we work. How would you handle this one? Thanks so much for letting me join you in this journey Susan
Susan: Whew girl! You are between a rock and a boulder. I do not know where you work, and I do not want you to break your anoynmity. I am not a therapist/counselor/PHD…I can only tell you what my gut response is to your comment.
Susan – I would find another job, that’s how I would handle it. (I don’t know if the N has drained you of life – that’s how I describe what The N did to me.)
I know you say that you have stopped covering for him at work, you should know that this may make him very vindictive. Just because you have not seen that side of his personality before, doesn’t mean it’s not possible. I just want to warn you. Yes, he may very well sabbotage you and your job. He may try to get you fired. He may claim that you are not doing your job, that you are unprofessional, he may even claim that you are stalking him and make negative comments about your Reputation. I think you know what I mean. It may get really nasty and really insane. Whatever you do, DON’T EMAIL him!!!!!
You must document EVERYTHING! Keep the documentation somewhere safe.
He cannot tell you where you can eat lunch! But if it was me, I wouldn’t even want to go anywhere he is.
These ten days are time for NC. Do not answer his calls if he calls you on your cell. Don’t answer calls from him after hours. Of course if he is away with another victim, then he shouldn’t be calling you. If he calls on a work line then you must be very professional. When he returns stay professional and cool.
But most important, my gut reaction, you need to find another job, request a transfer to another department, another office…you need to be away from this. This is not defeat…you are not running from the situation, you are getting away from it and him.
Keep reading here and stay NC
Another blog you may find helpful is:
http://planetjan.wordpress.com
please comment back and let me/us know how you are.
ES
He has been gone this week and is not calling me, I guess I am for sure devalued- I have slipped and texted him good morning and good night twice with no response. I keep thinking he is mad at me ( I know I am pretty slow in realizing he is not even real so how could he be mad) I am staying busy but still have so much trouble focusing on anything. I read a very good book today titles “Narcisssistic Lovers” How to cope, recover and move on. It is very good and confirms as your site does that this is not like getting over a normal relationship. I feel more hopeful but still so very sad- Missing the pretend guy. One of the things I read that helped is to think of yourself as a character in his movie where you were chosen to be the leading lady for one scene only- It helps depersonalize it slightly. His daughter called me and was crying ( we were very close) She said her dads new girlfriend is weird and all they do is kiss and act like teenagers. The daughter is 16 and even she can see his act Why can’t I thank you so much for giving me this safe place to get it all out
So glad you commented back. Reading and educating yourself is such a good thing for you right now. That is good restraint that you have only texted twice. Continue reading. You can read a great deal of Malignant Narcissism by Sam Vankin on line.
Try doing something that you used to enjoy, before the N. Talking a walk at night, if you have a safe place to exercise is also good to help clear your mind from the fog. I will be thinking of you.
ES