When do Narcissists lie….when don’t they?
This Frequently Asked Question is easily one of my favorites. I am so glad you asked.
When I dredge up the memories of the N that I have buried deep in my sub conscious, I don’t think there was a conversation…correction, a speech of the N’s that wasn’t filled with lies.
Once again, I correct myself when using the word “conversation” since it is really not possible to have a conversation with a narcissist. They do all the talking and if the “conversation” ever deviates from the Narcissist himself, he will either get sullen or get sullen and leave.
Him leaving is the very best of options.
Just changing the subject (being about him) during a “conversation” can result in D & D.
The N lies about everything. Education, job experience(s), relationships, family, friendships, feelings…the N doesn’t have any feelings except the ones he mirrors from others. Oh, and the stories that he hears from “normal “people…his sources of Narcissistic supply…those become his stories too.
He did those things.
He’ll tell you all about them….in fabulous, colorful detail…because that’s the way they were told to him. When you respond in awe at his fantastic tall tales of courage, valor and bravery (think Paul Bunyan) it will possibly earn you an even higher level position in the Pyramid of narcissistic supply.
No entry level position for you. Nope.
Don’t we all want to move from Primary source of supply to the all important Secondary source of supply?
(Sarcasm.)
I know.
It’s twisted. I’m just reporting what I’ve read and researched. This really should be the other way around…but…
Primary supply givers are those that provide sustenance to the Narcissist on a random/casual basis.
I just love that word…”casual.” I just casually lost my self esteem to the narcissist.
Secondary sources of supply are those in a “relationship” (notice those quotation marks!) with the narcissist. Those that provide supply on a regular basis….a spouse…(God help her)…friends, (oops…remember the narcissist really doesn’t have any)…co-workers/colleagues, business partners…(get out while you can) teachers…(so sorry) neighbors…(you could always move…)
Sorry…brief tangent….
In looking back, I remember how the N lied so convincingly.
Would he have passed a lie detector test?
I don’t know. The N believed his ‘own press’ to the point that the lies became truth.
He was a legend in his own mind.
Have you ever heard that when a person lies they often look to the left… and they don’t look you in the eye?
The N demonstrated this several times. If I had not been so throughly indoctrinated by the Narcissist, I would have stood up and said “Liar!”
Doing this would have been appropriate, as that is what the N is….A Liar.
…(Seated on the floor of the Senate and shouting out “Liar” is really bad manners, no matter what your party affiliation…)
I’ve come to realize that the ex-N in my life lied by omission. He’d say, “I’m sure I told you that! ” Nope. He told me lots of stories, and I as the el primo primary supply listened intently. Later, I realized I couldn’t even be sure any of his stories were real.
Everything Ns say is for effect. Nothing more.
The N I knew always made up stories that were meant to confuse or hurt. Sarcasm was his main form of communication. He loved it when someone believed one of his falsehoods.
My ex-N loved to be the center of attention….from his adoring fans. Unlike your version of N, mine seemed to be able to lie to the point that those around him were completely conned by his lies.
He was convinced and even bragged about his lies being so convincing that he could pass a lie detector any day of the week. What a loser I felt like; he had me believing his lies for years.
I will never know if the rest of his supply saw through his lies. The most important thing is that I finally did. He is sick, and he has moved on to greener or should I say more gulliable pastures.
After a 6 year relationship (3 years of marriage) my N walked out leaving me with a massive amount of debt and feeling confused and hurt. My sister first mentioned NPD to me and I have been reading and researching since. My N from the reading I have done has a very severe disorder. The cruel things he did before he left were baffeling to all of my family until I found out about this disorder. Some of the literature indicates that only 1 in 100,000 people have this disorder but I do not believe that is true. It is just under diagnosed. As part of my healing process I want to make this disorder more public. I have started a blog on Oprah.com. What better way to reach millions of women than to get Oprah interested?
I met my N on Match.com which is evidently a great resouce for Supply to them. If more women and men know the warning signs perhaps they won’t end up with a N. I encourage everyone to help me spread this message. There are so many people out there suffering and not knowing why.
Sara: I am so sorry that you suffered abuse at the hands of an individual you trusted. I hope that during your research and education of others you are able to heal. It is a long way up.
The N i knew makes a proffession out of lying….he now claims to be living in paris ….I told a friend he uses “Lyan air ” ( Ryan air) when he ‘lies back and forth between countries…
while thinking ‘play of words’ i also came to realse that when he rep-lied to me in our chats he mostly was repeated lying…
at first i thought some stories seemed far fetched but let him off, he was young and maybe didnt have as many funny stories to tell as me…. oh how easily i made excuses for him…..
I know he lies, some others know it…but a LOT of people are totally fooled by his lies…..and his ‘friends’ dont bat an eye when he lies to others infront of them…. amazing how these people somehow colour our perception of what is ok
I remember once i was talking to a new friend of his about how we met…it became clear hed told her a different story to the truth. Did i say NO thats not right we met this way….oh no…..i suddenly said how id got confused and kind of hoped the language barrier between us would help me bluff it out. Hello????? why on earth did i feel the need to cover his back and protect him?
glad to be out of that situation but still suffering at times…how on earth anyone can get such a hold on another amazes me…
HUGS
Hi, I sent this link to a friend whose daughter can’t get over her boyfriend dumping her. He was definitely a narcissist, but she thinks she did something wrong. What she did wrong is not recognize he was a narcissist, which is so hard to do in the beginning. They are so good at first at being everything you want and need them to be! Thanks.
Hi Catherine:
Sometimes when a young woman has ’stars’ in her eyes, it’s hard to see the red flags a’wavin….shoot even for an old woman. I feel for your friend’s daughter. I was not aquainted with “dumping” – boyfriend or friend for that matter – I could not understand the aburpt about face and the subsquent abuse from the individual who had been a “friend.” They are so very good at mirroring the behavior that we want and need….until the mirror get cloudy.
The most hurtful part of the way the relationship ended for this young woman is the abrupt about face you described above in the behavior of the man who had mirrored everything the young woman had wanted in the relationship. She thought they were soulmates from the first day, and he encouraged her in this belief. And then suddenly, after telling her on a Friday when they were together that they would also spend the day together on Saturday, he never called her again. She called him late that Saturday, wondering what had happened to him. He said he’d decided to spend the day alone reading a book! She saw him a week later at an art fair with another woman, which tore her up. Still, later she saw him at a concert by himself. She was glad he was alone, but still hurt that he could have gone with her. She still doesn’t get that there is no hope with a person like him.
That behavior (on the part of the Narcissist) is so sad and so very familiar. I hope her mom encourages her to read here and do research on this personality disorder. It takes a long time to wrap your mind around something so alien. It was only when I understood What I was dealing with could I even begin to grasp how lucky I was to have the parasite gone from me. I remember when I thought there was hope…that I could fix the narcissist. It was a turning point for me when I realized that I couldn’t.
ES