When do Narcissists lie….when don’t they?

This Frequently Asked Question is easily one of my favorites.  I am so glad you asked.

When I dredge up the memories of the N that I have buried deep in my sub conscious, I don’t think there was a conversation…correction, a speech of the N’s that wasn’t filled with lies. 

Once again, I correct myself when using the word “conversation” since it is really not possible to have a conversation with a narcissist.  They do all the talking and if the “conversation” ever deviates from the Narcissist himself, he will either get sullen or get sullen and leave. 
Him leaving is the very best of options. 
Just changing the subject (being about him) during a “conversation” can result in D & D. 

The N lies about everything.  Education, job experience(s), relationships, family, friendships, feelings…the N doesn’t have any feelings except the ones he mirrors from others.  Oh, and the stories that he hears from “normal “people…his sources of Narcissistic supply…those become his stories too. 
He did those things. 
He’ll tell you all about them….in fabulous, colorful detail…because that’s the way they were told to him.   When you respond in awe at his fantastic tall tales of courage, valor and bravery (think Paul Bunyan) it will possibly earn you an even higher level position in the Pyramid of narcissistic supply. 

No entry level position for you.  Nope.
Don’t we all want to move from Primary source of supply to the all important Secondary source of supply? 
(Sarcasm.)
I know.
It’s twisted.  I’m just reporting what I’ve read and researched.  This really should be the other way around…but…
Primary supply givers are those that provide sustenance to the Narcissist on a random/casual basis. 
I just love that word…”casual.”  I just casually lost my self esteem to the narcissist. 

Secondary sources of supply are those in a “relationship” (notice those quotation marks!) with the narcissist.  Those that provide supply on a regular basis….a spouse…(God help her)…friends, (oops…remember the narcissist really doesn’t have any)…co-workers/colleagues, business partners…(get out while you can) teachers…(so sorry) neighbors…(you could always move…) 

Sorry…brief tangent….

In looking back, I remember how the N lied so convincingly. 
Would he have passed a lie detector test?
I don’t know.  The N believed his ‘own press’ to the point that the lies became truth. 
He was a legend in his own mind. 

Have you ever heard that when a person lies they often look to the left… and they don’t look you in the eye? 
The N demonstrated this several times.  If I had not been so throughly indoctrinated by the Narcissist,  I would have stood up and said “Liar!” 
Doing this would have been appropriate, as that is what the N is….A Liar. 

…(Seated on the floor of the Senate and shouting out “Liar” is really bad manners, no matter what your party affiliation…)

On a weekly, sometimes daily basis, my “newly” Americanized friend gives me, or should I say attempts to give me the latest updates on the N. 
In my “Karma’s a ^#*^!”  post and “Karma:  Where does she work?”  I talk about my friend telling me the latest news re: the N and me teaching my friend, a new American word: Karma. 

Truthfully, I can say that I don’t really care to know what’s the latest and “greatest” in the N’s mind/life.  I’m just glad he’s gone.  I have absolutely no emotional pain anymore…and boy was that a long time in coming.  I do however, find that he is great fodder for my NPD posts!  (Hey, I looked up ‘fodder’ and it seemed like a good choice….maybe not…but there’s no way to be sure…my editor is in London.)

Unfortunately, the N was a learning experience that I had to suffer through. 
What was I supposed to have learned?  
“Four…Three…double hockey sticks”… if I know. 
When N’s name is mentioned the thought that goes through my head these days is “that A** H***?  What now?” 
I don’t actually say it out loud, I am too proper for that. 
As my friend Jan says, “Too bad you have such a “G” rated family persona….you might become a folk hero otherwise.”  Oh well. 
Folk Hero…Paul Bunyan?….Johnny Appleseed?…. Hmmm not me. 

Last week my friend Jack, there, I’ve told you his name…launched in on the latest dirt regarding the N. 
I looked at Jack and as sweet as I could be…I said in my nicest voice,  ”Jack – Picture. Me. Not. Caring!” 
Jack laughed.  “Ohh!  Don’t mess with the woman.” 

Good.  ‘Bout time someone figured that out.

There was an extra chair at the conference table today. 
Empty. 
No Narcissist in sight
No reason given for the absence. 
I’m filled with gratitude.

I have to attend a meeting this week. 
In and of itself, that’s not a bad thing. 
Hot coffee, a comfortable chair, maybe some chocolates scattered on the conference table for sampling…..

Sitting in the same room as the Narcissist….?  Not so much. 
I have been NC (No Contact) for so long now, I have lost count of how many months at this point.  And I have been enjoying every moment of it, let me tell you. 

I know it will sound bad, but I am trying to think of ways to NOT go to this meeting. 
Headache, sick child, sick myself, a hang nail…
I don’t want to mention car issues…my car is running great….knock on wood, Formica, Plexiglass….

I really don’t want to see the *%) #*+(, much less be in the same room with him. 

Some of my friends have told me to suck it up, dress up and pretend the *&^ (*) #%^*> doesn’t exist while being in the same room.  This will be a true test of all these months of research, therapy and blogging. 
I’ll let you know how it goes.

This afternoon, a friend brought me the mail from my box. 
There were a couple of  memos, lots of junk mail, magazines, catalogs,
….the usual things. 
At the bottom of the stack was an envelope addressed to the N. 

Now if my life were a movie, this would be the moment in the film where the orchestra music would swell with a tense portion of the score…..the strings, the woodwinds, the trumpets, the English horns….the harps….Hey!  This is my horror movie….I want a full orchestra. 

But it’s not a movie.  It’s just my boring life, (my life that had an N in it for a while.)  I can visualize a guy with an axe running across the screen from stage left….cue the screams. 

Three years ago, seeing that envelope would have made me feel like all the air had been sucked out of my universe.  I wouldn’t have been able to function for the rest of the day, thinking about the loss of my friend(ship.)

Three years ago, my obsessive thought…the only thing I would have be able to do….the compulsive desire…would have been to return the envelope to his mailbox. 
Or. 
Worse yet.  Deliver it to him in person. Big mistake.  Huge. 
And I would have felt a constant aching, gaping void. 
I know…very dramatic…however true.

Today my response was… 
“Huh…Would you look at that?  Somebody screwed up in the mail room.” 
I felt nothing.   I sat at my desk.  In my office. 
For once it was peacefully quiet…and thought nothing about this piece of correspondence. 
A smile spread across my face as I realized that I could honestly say, “Whatever.” 

What do you do about missing the “Pretend Guy?” 

When I check my blog, sometimes I will look at the Search Engine Terms that people use to find me.  My friend taught me this trick.  When the “Writing Muse” is evasive, I read through the terms and sometimes I get “inspiration”.

There is a phrase that continues to come up in terms that really tugs at my heart.  It brings back painful memories – like a wave of grief washing over me.  I feel raw writing about that period of time, after The N…but if  people are using this term as a search, then I need to share what I’ve learned.   
But I need a glass of wine….talk amongst yourselves for a moment….

This terminology was the perfect description for a man who pretended to be my friend. When the friendship was over after the “last” D & D…during the next four months that I beat myself up…blaming myself for the loss of a friendship that never really was….
I was “Missing Pretend Guy”  
(If your N was a female, feel free to change it to Girl.)

When I discovered there was something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that ‘my friend’ the N, had 18 of the 20 characteristics….(actually he probably had all 20.)  I still foolishly thought that the N could be fixed. 
I’ll wait for you to stop laughing. 

It took more time and more instances of D & D for me to realized that his personality disorder was woven into the very fabric of his ‘being’.  This ugly ‘quilt’ that was his personality could not be changed.  You couldn’t go to the store and buy a new duvet and tuck the ugly quilt in it…something new to make it pretty…  This disordered individual could not be thrown into the washer with Mountain Fresh Tide and an extra cupful of Downy….there was no way to wash away his abnormal way of interacting with people… 
Okay, enough of the bedding analogy.  Hope it helps you understand. 

After months of reading…actually it took closer to a year, for me to be able to wrap my mind around the fact that ‘my friend’ was not what he presented himself to be.  He wasn’t Pretend Guy.  Pretend Guy didn’t exist…he never had.  Coming to terms with that made me feel like I was in some weird Twilight Zone movie marathon, and that Rod Sterling was going to walk out from behind the drapes.  Even knowing all that. it still didn’t stop me from missing Pretend Guy. 

Everything that my ‘friend’ the N had portrayed himself to be was false.  Pretend Guy was like an imaginary friend…
(but not like the one in Sundays at Tiffany’s.)  The person that I thought was my friend, didn’t exist….but the alien who created the illusion did.  The alien was Real – Actual Guy; he was real ugly & really nasty. 

When the N dropped his mask after D & D’s, too numerous to count,  it was truly rare for me to see Pretend Guy. 
If I was unfortunate enough to witness a performance of Pretend Guy, his ‘warmth and caring’ was always directed to some other person.  When I would witness this charade, every fiber in my being wanted to scream out…I wanted to shake the receiver of his kindness.  “Don’t you see?  He is not the professional, charming, kind, human being you think he is!  He’s not even human!”  Watching these scenes made me nauseated. 

While I was recovering from the loss, not a day went by that I didn’t miss Pretend Guy.  Some days were worse than others.  I would stay busy, but inevitably, a quiet moment of the day would come.  Sometimes the memory would sneak up on me.  Perhaps it was the time of day that was sometimes spent in the company of the N.   Whatever the reason, the pain would come to me fresh and raw. 
I learned to accept it; you could almost say that I embraced it.  At least feeling the pain let me know I was still breathing. I was still alive.  Unlike the N, I was human and capable of feeling loss. 

I would often talk about him to my close friends like he was dead because well, he was. 
I gave myself permission to grieve Pretend Guy. 
Give yourself permission too. 
I would tell some of the funny stories he had told me…who knows if they were lies or the truth.  I would use some of his phrases when talking to those who knew of his ‘demise’.  For all intensive purposes, it was like having a memorial service for Pretend Guy. 
(Just the other day a friend of mine mentioned THE funniest thing I think I ever heard the N say in response to a fellow colleague.  I wish that I could tell you…but like they say, you really had to be there.  Anyway, I laughed so hard I cried, and then we  intermittently giggled from time to time the rest of the day. )

I wish I could present you with an easy step by step guide for getting over the phase of “Missing Pretend Guy”.  I don’t have a book to sell you.  Unfortunately, I don’t think there is an easy fix. 
Time really did help. 
I won’t say that “Time heals all wounds” because frankly that is the biggest load of BS ever written.  Whoever coined that phrase should be slapped; they never met this Narcissist.  (Oh watch, I’ll get mail over this….”my great great great aunt wrote that in 1892!”)

NC = (No Contact) was and still is the BEST thing, EVER. 
No Contact is simply that.  No Contact!   No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no notes, no letters, no post-it notes, no memos, no waves, no polite greetings…Nothing. 
Pretend Guy can’t answer the phone, email, write or wave. 
Real guy could do those things if he was human or cared, but he’s not and he doesn’t. 
And no, you can’t have a friend /relative /aquaintance get a message to him.  Don’t play that game.  The N is far better at playing games than you are.  And, you must ask yourself….Do you really want to play his sick games any longer? 

I know for people with children by a Narcissistic partner, NC is difficult, but still necessary, and hopefully communication can be carried out for the most part through your attorney or solicitor.  
For those of us where the N was a friend, NC is amazing!  It feels so good to turn the tables and give his behavior back to him.  The victims/targets of the N feel so helpless at times; to be able to direct the “ignoring” behavior back at him (to use a phrase of his) “is simply grand.” 

After I had grieved for a time, his name, the stories and his stupid cliches were banned from my office.  We declared it a “N – Free Zone.”  The office has been sanitized for my protection. 

I hope that hearing about my experiences has at least given you the comfort in knowing that there is ”light at the end of the tunnel.”  Here I am, 3 years later - I survived.  Sure, there are flaws, marks that were not there before; but I’d like to think that they have added character and depth.  (With a little Spackle, I can fill them right in.) 
Can I look back on those two years we were “friends” and laugh? 
No.  I’ll let you know if, and when, that ever happens. 

Are you wondering about that envelope that found its way to my mail box? 
Don’t worry – I didn’t open it and I didn’t deliver it to him.  I dropped it in the outgoing mail bag. 
Just like Karma… IT will find him, eventually. 

 Postscript: 
The phrase Pretend Guy was one that I found early during my research of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I went back through reams of paper….most of them being yellow highlighted.  The good news is,  I found the article and here is the link.  The author’s name is Alexandra Nouri.  The article I found was called “Missing the Narcissist.” 

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/so-you-re-in-love-with-a-narcissist-by-alexandra-nouri-t993.html

If the link does not work, you can also Google – “Missing The Narcissist.”  You can find Alex’s writings there too.  Sadly, Alex’s web site is not to be found.  But fortunately someone at:
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org  cared enough to save Alex’s posts. 

Alex: 
I hope you are well and safe.  
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world.  I am speaking for ALL of us when I say that we are grateful. 
Peace.

Last fall I was treating myself to lunch at a restaurant that the “long - dead to me Narcissist” and I used to frequent.  What do they say?  You need to  ”de-sensitize”?  To get over the phobia, one must continue to have exposure to the dreaded thing/situation/place?  Well, I did give myself a break and I didn’t eat at the one in his neighborhood….. I never go there. 

I pulled into the parking lot next to a Honda 4-door sedan.  As I got out, it was REALLY hard not to notice the car.  It was filled with papers, trash, mail, video cassettes, CD’s, fast food wrappers, you name it.  The back seat was piled as high as the back window.  Only the head rest of the passenger’s seat could be seen.  There was debris piled up to the passenger’s window.  If the windows were manual, you would not have been able to find the knob.  Truly, it was fascinating. 

When my sister was in grad school….her car looked pretty bad too…she was driving a minimum of 150 miles a day…while still being a mommy.  Most of her “accessories” were text books and coffee cups…pre-Starbucks. 

The car also reminded me of a man that I worked with, probably in 2003.  His car looked worse than the one parked next to me.  He was a lovely person, he was just a pack rat.  He lived alone, had a nice home, only moderately cluttered.  But his car?  We used to say that if there was a file missing in the office, all we needed to do was check his car. 

Finally, several of us who were quite concerned about him, had an intervention.  (Having kids, I am flashing back to the scene from the Disney movie Nemo with Bruce the Shark….”INTERVENTION!!!  Fish are friends!  NOT FOOD!!”)   Our friend and office buddy took it well.  Maybe he just needed the encouragement.  We cleaned out his car….for hours…22 black garbage bags later, it was spotless.  We even chipped in and had the car detailed. 

As far as his home went, with a little help and a few phone calls, I found a very nice lady who would come in and clean for him twice a week.  Last I heard, they were dating.

Having had three pre-schoolers at one time….I am not one to judge.  The floor of my car used to be covered with Hot Wheels, fishy crackers and Cheerios.  There was usually someone’s sippy cup with mold growing in it, in a cup holder. 

With a smile I shrugged off the memory and hurried into the restaurant. An Orange County Fire Authority truck had just pulled up.  I got my place in line before the hunky and hungry firemen did.  Granted, the view behind them in line would have been delightful, but I was in a hurry and it is not polite to drool in public. 

I placed my order and got my drink. 

I am going to let you in on a little secret.  This was probably THE ONLY positive thing….no wait, it WAS the only positive thing… I learned from the Narcissist. 

Here it comes….I know you are waiting with baited breath…..wait for it…

When you get fast food, whether walk-in or drive-thru, have a sip of your drink before you leave the restaurant.  That way if the drink is too syrupy, not enough carbonation, you’ll know BEFORE you leave.  Seriously, it was the ONLY worthwhile thing I learned from him.  Trust me…it was not worth the grief.  And certainly wasn’t something that I couldn’t have figured out on my own. 

I got my order and left the restaurant…passing some of the cutest firemen….all except for the one who reminded me of my ex-brother-in-law.  Oh well, they all can’t be eye candy. 

As I walked back to my car, I noticed two guys looking at the pack rat car with looks that were a combination of disbelief and awe.  As I neared them I said, “Yeah, that was my reaction too.”  They both turned to look at me and one of them almost dropped his lunch.  They turned white as a sheet and one of them blushed. 

I did not understand their discomfort, so I said, “I used to know someone whose car looked a little bit like this…” 

They both let out sighs of relief.  “OMG!” they said together, “We thought this was your car!” 

We laughed together.  As I left the lot I called to them, “I am so going to blog about this!”

Do Narcissists really forget you? 

Sadly. 
Yes. 

     If the narcissist was in the same room with me, there would not be a flicker of recognition on his face….he has the “dead to me” concept down to an art form. 

     Six months ago, we were in the same room…less than 12 inches away from each other…breathing the same cubic square foot of oxygen…and there was not one iota of acknowledgement on his part that I even existed.  It boggles my mind that people like him even exist on our planet. 

     It was just a further reminder that he is an alien life form. 

     I have a wealth of compassion for women who were deceived by men like this and then married; thinking that “Happily Ever After” lay ahead of them.  Instead it was nothing but grief & torment.

(Photo…Forget me nots…National Geographic)

My newly Americanized friend was telling me latest info from the “grapevine” re: the N.  This latest bit of news made me laugh, joyously.  (Sorry if you think I’m a heartless *#!^>.  Obviously you haven’t been paying attention.) 

My friend said, “What do you think of that?!”  I replied with, “I warned him.  It just goes to show you, Karma’s a *#!^>!”  My friend looked puzzled; he still hasn’t “gotten it” from last time.  He said, “I don’t think I’ve ever met Karma, does she work downtown?”

I’ve got to build the curriculum for “Colorful American Sayings 101.”  Then I guess I will have to petition to have it as required coursework.  I don’t think my friend is the only one who thinks “Karma” is a woman with attitude, who works at corporate.

To view the other articles in this series, click on the category of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the right side of my blog.   Be sure to read Gaslighting:  The Narcissist’s Game.  As my friend Jan says, “It’s like coming in after the movie has started…” 

I had no idea that when I wrote “Gaslighting:  A Narcissist’s Game” that it would strike the ‘nerve’ that it has.  “The stories you have heard are true, the names were changed to protect the innocent…..” 

There were examples of the “gaslighting madness” inflicted on me that I have had to leave out; the situations were far too identifying.  There were many vague and truly odd things that happened while I was ‘friends’ with the N, while I was in the midst of D&D.  (Devalue and Discard)  I think many of those memories have been blocked by my subconscious.

I wrote the first post on “gaslighting” because I found very little information on this abuse.  I felt that if I needed information, maybe other people did too.  So I started doing research. 

The best article I’ve come across is entitled “Ambient Abuse” written by Dr. Sam Vankin.  I found Dr. Vankin’s site when I was researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder after the final D&D…(I have since figured out that there is no “final” where the N is concerned.)  Dr. Vankin has probably the best site for information on NPD, for very good reason:  Dr. Vankin is a narcissist. 

It was after first reading Dr. Vankin’s articles I realized what my ‘friend’ was.  I can hear you saying, “only a doctor can diagnose NPD.”  Seriously, what are the chances that the N is EVER going to darken the door of a therapist’s office??  Besides, after reading the DSM-IV, the ”Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”, the N has all 9 characteristics.  That realization was like “fingernails on a blackboard” for me.  If that isn’t scary enough for you, on the MSN groups Narcissistic Personality Disorder forum, there is a list of 20 behaviors/traits of a Narcissist.  The N had 18 out of 20.  The missing two characteristics?  He probably has those too, but I had not experienced those aspects of his personality.  Lucky me.

I was looking for specific examples of gaslighting on the Internet.  Was this comment or that behavior just a quirk of the N?  Or Was he really gaslighting me?  Dr. Vankin’s article on “Ambient Abuse” confirmed my fears, the N had been using these techniques to damage me. 

It was quite sometime after the N moved on to other, “less drained” sources of supply that his covert operations were confirmed.  Friends told me one evening that often they would see the N in my office, after hours.  After I had left for the day.  They wondered why he was there, but never wanted to confront the N.  Can you blame them?  Sadly, it never occurred to them to tell me what they had witnessed. 
If they had, it would have been validation for me - I wasn’t going crazy; there was a crazy individual in my life. 
(Bet you thought I was going to call him a person.)

Bear with me…as I finish my NPD posts.  Yes, these posts will eventually come to an end; I still have a few more things to say.  It was after I finished the “Mirror, Mirror” post that I felt “cleansed” from the abusive friendship.  Victims/targets of a narcissist rarely, excuse me, NEVER get closure; this is mine.

**Footnote…..On “Desperate Housewives” shown on October 26, 2008….one of the male characters had begun “gaslighting” the elderly woman who lives in the neighborhood.  What that character did, moving possessions…that is what the N did to me.  On the television drama, the male character admits to the elderly woman that yes, he was trying to drive her crazy as she lays in an ambulance, with no witnesses.  
We are left not knowing “why” at the end of the evening’s telecast.  I know the feeling; I used to occasionally wonder what The N’s real motive was with me.  I know now.  It was simply to abuse another human being.  Try wrapping your mind around that. 

To see the other articles in my series, click on the category of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the right side of my blog page.  For more articles on Gaslighting click on that link. Be sure to read Gaslighting:  Epilogue. 

Victims or “targets” of Narcissists are often nurturing, sensitive, forgiving human beings. It is precisely those character traits that make she/he (more often victims are females rather than males) more vulnerable to abuse from the Narcissist. As a result of their relationship, the victim or “target” can suffer from depression, drug/alcohol abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Psychological abuse is very serious; it leaves emotional scars. Scars, that no one can see, but they are as real as any bleeding wound. 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It involves an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the subject, having the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory, perception and judgement.  A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim’s environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc.

The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights’ dimming, she is told she is imagining things.  Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected.  

Altering My Environment -

In my “relationship” with the N, his gaslighting deceit started subtlety at first.  Occasionally a file would be missing from my desk.  Later I’d find it in another office.  The copies I had just made would be back in the copier, when I was sure that I had removed them from the tray.  Things in my office would be moved, sometimes briefly missing…not where I had left them.  After a few months, the frequency increased to nearly every day.  My only respite was during the summer. 

There is a line of dialog in “Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl” that I identified with.  When the character William Turner says…”not where I left you…” in regards to his sword…that was something I said nearly every day. 

Sometimes the game took place when my shift was over.  I remember I had left something on my desk and the next morning it was gone.  Later that day, I returned to my desk to find it in the same place I had left it the night before.  It became very frightening.  I was afraid that maybe I was going crazy.

Often when I returned to work in the mornings, there was a sense that something was not right; in regards to my work space/ environment, but I could not pinpoint the cause.  I never reported this to anyone.  The brainwashing by the N was already damaging my ability to think for myself.  Dr. Sam Vankin calls this “Ambient Abuse.”  I didn’t think anyone in authority would believe my claims of someone removing things from my office.  Rather they would think that I was inept and incapable of doing my job.  Those were all ideas that the N planted in my head. 

The few times that I voiced my frustrations to the N in regards to things being moved, things not where I had left them…his response was, “Well if you weren’t so stupid you’d know where you put them!”  I learned to not share my concerns with him, but it was too late, the damage had been done.  He would occasionally ask, “Lose anything today?” 

I remember one late afternoon when I was frantically searching for a file.  It was information that I could reprint, but I was so confused that it was not where I had just left it.  The N appeared at the edge of my desk; the strange thing was I had not even heard him come in.  He had a smirk on his face when he said, “Looking for something?”  “No,” I lied, “just cleaning up.”  It was about that time that I started thinking that he had something to do with things being missing.  But I dismissed the thought.  I had been so brainwashed by him that I would never accuse my “friend” of sabotaging me. 

At the end of the “relationship,” things were stolen; items that were in locked file cabinets were gone, cabinets, to which he had a key.  He denied ever having seen the missing items, denied that they even existed.  My only real proof that he was using this “technique” was that when he finally left my life, (because he stayed on long after the ‘major’ D&D,) it was only after he had finally been removed from my surroundings, did the gaslighting stop. 

When he left, there were many things missing….my self esteem, self worth, confidence, my personality, my trustful nature and the thing I missed the most, the person I thought was my best friend…aka “Pretend Guy.” 

Psychological Abuse

The N frequently questioned my ability to perform my job.  This was done covertly.  Often he would appear, supposedly coming to my rescue, while I was dealing with a situation well within my capabilities.  The following scenario happened repeatedly, it got to the point where I only felt capable of doing my job when he was around.  This was exactly what he wanted. 

Once, as I tried to explain to an individual, for the third time what I needed her to do, she continued to look at me with a blank, confused expression.  The N stepped into my office and the conversation and said the EXACT thing that I just had.  Suddenly, the clouds parted, the sun shone, the angels sang, and this person understood the N’s instructions and left to take care of the task.  The N turned to me with a very smug expression on his face.  Stupidly, I was very appreciative, thanking him for helping me.  Never once did I wonder if these events were orchestrated by the N. 

I have replayed events like this one in my head – as sick as it sounds, I am certain that the persons in the situations were his proxies.  They were all part of the game. This is a variation that Dr. Sam Vankin calls this “Incapacitating.” 

Verbal Abuse -

N said some of the most bizarre and suggestive things to me.  Things that one friend would certainly not say to other.  Things that should not have been said in a working relationship.  I tried to excuse his abuse and bad behavior with the knowledge I had of his childhood.  Truthfully, I always excused his ‘bad behavior’.  I was very supportive of him…the need that I felt…my desire to protect him…this desire was ill placed.  I should have been protecting myself – from him. 

Sometimes, he would actually admit to having said something strange or extremely inappropriate.  “Oh, that’s just something I say,” would be his response.  I know at some point in this insanity, my subconscious was screaming to be heard…”Really?! That’s just something you say?!  There are other people that you are this abusive to?  Maybe I should start a support group for people who have suffered from having any contact with you!!    

Sometimes he would make an outrageous comment or suggestion to me. Once, out of the blue, he said, “I know lots of people who are married, and they have affairs.”  After I was able to shake out the “fog” his words had put me in, I asked him, “What do you mean by that?  Are you seriously suggesting that our friendship take a different path?”  He looked at me and denied ever having made the statement.  Less than a minute had even passed!  My confusion at this point was beyond extreme.  I had no way to “take a step back” and see him for what he really was. 

 When the “friendship” finally reached its grotesque conclusion I didn’t know who or what to believe.  I didn’t trust anyone.  Looking back now, that was what he wanted.  He didn’t want me to trust anyone.  He didn’t want me to talk to anyone, to tell them the details of what I had suffered through…he didn’t want me to tell anyone about what kind of an alien life form he was…excuse me, is.  I call him an alien, because I can’t bring myself to say he’s a human being.  He’s not.

Be sure to read - Gaslighting:  Epilogue for the conclusion to this post.