Can you tell a Narcissist by his eyes? 

This sweet cat would no doubt be offended at the comparison. 
The individual asking Google the question used the phrasing  “Can you tell a narcissist with his eyes.”  I don’t think you can necessarily tell what kind of human being a person is, by their eyes. 
I have only known one bona fide narcissist and I know what his eyes were like. 

Some people are shy, they can’t look you in the eyes for very long.  It’s not that they are dishonest, it just makes them uncomfortable, makes them feel vulnerable, to look in another person’s eyes for very long.  Being a victim of a narcissist left me feeling fragile and fearful to let people see my eyes.  As if, they would be able to see the pain that was written there. 

Many people like myself have been harmed by individuals who portrayed themselves as genuine, when in actuality there wasn’t a human emotion in their being….the only emotions they had, were mirrored from another living, breathing person.  To look a narcissist in the eye is the beginning of losing a part of your self…they take so much – they take as much as they can and then they leave the shell of their victim behind. 

There is the famous phrase that says:  ”The eyes are the windows to the soul.” 
I don’t know if that is true or not.  People would be afraid to look anyone in the eye if it was.  Everyone would be able to see each others flaws, hurts, their darkest secrets. We know (those of us who were/are victims), that narcissists have no soul…at least it seems that way to us after we have been abused by them for a season or in the unfortunate cases of some…a lifetime. 

Since the demise of the narcissist, I have gotten good, or should I say better at reading people.  I like to think of it as radar or maybe  N-dar.  It would be even better to say that I listen to my Intuition now.  I watch body language when I meet people; when I interact.  I watch how people comport themselves…I watch their eyes.  I look to see if they attempt to ‘lock me in their gaze’ and not look away. 
There’s a Red Flag waving. 

Sometimes I wish I had Sookie Stackhouse’s (True Blood) gift of hearing thoughts.  She would be quick to say that she does not read minds, but rather thoughts and feelings.  But like Sookie, it is impossible to ‘glamour’ me.  Sorry Bill…Sorry Eric, it won’t work. 

I will tell you one thing about the narcissist’s eyes….his eyes changed color. 
I know, I know, it’s not supposed to be possible, not without contact lenses. 
I know it sounds like something out of Hollywood or a popular novel…Edward’s eyes changed from golden to black, when hungry. 
I can only tell you what I saw.  
The N’s eyes would turn black when he raged or during an episode of Devalue & Discard (we’re not talking Dungeons and Dragons)
His eyes changing color was something that happened many times. 
Truly, his eyes looked like a shark’s eyes.  Empty, cold and unfeeling….just like him.

This afternoon, a friend brought me the mail from my box. 
There were a couple of  memos, lots of junk mail, magazines, catalogs,
….the usual things. 
At the bottom of the stack was an envelope addressed to the N. 

Now if my life were a movie, this would be the moment in the film where the orchestra music would swell with a tense portion of the score…..the strings, the woodwinds, the trumpets, the English horns….the harps….Hey!  This is my horror movie….I want a full orchestra. 

But it’s not a movie.  It’s just my boring life, (my life that had an N in it for a while.)  I can visualize a guy with an axe running across the screen from stage left….cue the screams. 

Three years ago, seeing that envelope would have made me feel like all the air had been sucked out of my universe.  I wouldn’t have been able to function for the rest of the day, thinking about the loss of my friend(ship.)

Three years ago, my obsessive thought…the only thing I would have be able to do….the compulsive desire…would have been to return the envelope to his mailbox. 
Or. 
Worse yet.  Deliver it to him in person. Big mistake.  Huge. 
And I would have felt a constant aching, gaping void. 
I know…very dramatic…however true.

Today my response was… 
“Huh…Would you look at that?  Somebody screwed up in the mail room.” 
I felt nothing.   I sat at my desk.  In my office. 
For once it was peacefully quiet…and thought nothing about this piece of correspondence. 
A smile spread across my face as I realized that I could honestly say, “Whatever.” 

What do you do about missing the “Pretend Guy?” 

When I check my blog, sometimes I will look at the Search Engine Terms that people use to find me.  My friend taught me this trick.  When the “Writing Muse” is evasive, I read through the terms and sometimes I get “inspiration”.

There is a phrase that continues to come up in terms that really tugs at my heart.  It brings back painful memories – like a wave of grief washing over me.  I feel raw writing about that period of time, after The N…but if  people are using this term as a search, then I need to share what I’ve learned.   
But I need a glass of wine….talk amongst yourselves for a moment….

This terminology was the perfect description for a man who pretended to be my friend. When the friendship was over after the “last” D & D…during the next four months that I beat myself up…blaming myself for the loss of a friendship that never really was….
I was “Missing Pretend Guy”  
(If your N was a female, feel free to change it to Girl.)

When I discovered there was something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that ‘my friend’ the N, had 18 of the 20 characteristics….(actually he probably had all 20.)  I still foolishly thought that the N could be fixed. 
I’ll wait for you to stop laughing. 

It took more time and more instances of D & D for me to realized that his personality disorder was woven into the very fabric of his ‘being’.  This ugly ‘quilt’ that was his personality could not be changed.  You couldn’t go to the store and buy a new duvet and tuck the ugly quilt in it…something new to make it pretty…  This disordered individual could not be thrown into the washer with Mountain Fresh Tide and an extra cupful of Downy….there was no way to wash away his abnormal way of interacting with people… 
Okay, enough of the bedding analogy.  Hope it helps you understand. 

After months of reading…actually it took closer to a year, for me to be able to wrap my mind around the fact that ‘my friend’ was not what he presented himself to be.  He wasn’t Pretend Guy.  Pretend Guy didn’t exist…he never had.  Coming to terms with that made me feel like I was in some weird Twilight Zone movie marathon, and that Rod Sterling was going to walk out from behind the drapes.  Even knowing all that. it still didn’t stop me from missing Pretend Guy. 

Everything that my ‘friend’ the N had portrayed himself to be was false.  Pretend Guy was like an imaginary friend…
(but not like the one in Sundays at Tiffany’s.)  The person that I thought was my friend, didn’t exist….but the alien who created the illusion did.  The alien was Real – Actual Guy; he was real ugly & really nasty. 

When the N dropped his mask after D & D’s, too numerous to count,  it was truly rare for me to see Pretend Guy. 
If I was unfortunate enough to witness a performance of Pretend Guy, his ‘warmth and caring’ was always directed to some other person.  When I would witness this charade, every fiber in my being wanted to scream out…I wanted to shake the receiver of his kindness.  “Don’t you see?  He is not the professional, charming, kind, human being you think he is!  He’s not even human!”  Watching these scenes made me nauseated. 

While I was recovering from the loss, not a day went by that I didn’t miss Pretend Guy.  Some days were worse than others.  I would stay busy, but inevitably, a quiet moment of the day would come.  Sometimes the memory would sneak up on me.  Perhaps it was the time of day that was sometimes spent in the company of the N.   Whatever the reason, the pain would come to me fresh and raw. 
I learned to accept it; you could almost say that I embraced it.  At least feeling the pain let me know I was still breathing. I was still alive.  Unlike the N, I was human and capable of feeling loss. 

I would often talk about him to my close friends like he was dead because well, he was. 
I gave myself permission to grieve Pretend Guy. 
Give yourself permission too. 
I would tell some of the funny stories he had told me…who knows if they were lies or the truth.  I would use some of his phrases when talking to those who knew of his ‘demise’.  For all intensive purposes, it was like having a memorial service for Pretend Guy. 
(Just the other day a friend of mine mentioned THE funniest thing I think I ever heard the N say in response to a fellow colleague.  I wish that I could tell you…but like they say, you really had to be there.  Anyway, I laughed so hard I cried, and then we  intermittently giggled from time to time the rest of the day. )

I wish I could present you with an easy step by step guide for getting over the phase of “Missing Pretend Guy”.  I don’t have a book to sell you.  Unfortunately, I don’t think there is an easy fix. 
Time really did help. 
I won’t say that “Time heals all wounds” because frankly that is the biggest load of BS ever written.  Whoever coined that phrase should be slapped; they never met this Narcissist.  (Oh watch, I’ll get mail over this….”my great great great aunt wrote that in 1892!”)

NC = (No Contact) was and still is the BEST thing, EVER. 
No Contact is simply that.  No Contact!   No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no notes, no letters, no post-it notes, no memos, no waves, no polite greetings…Nothing. 
Pretend Guy can’t answer the phone, email, write or wave. 
Real guy could do those things if he was human or cared, but he’s not and he doesn’t. 
And no, you can’t have a friend /relative /aquaintance get a message to him.  Don’t play that game.  The N is far better at playing games than you are.  And, you must ask yourself….Do you really want to play his sick games any longer? 

I know for people with children by a Narcissistic partner, NC is difficult, but still necessary, and hopefully communication can be carried out for the most part through your attorney or solicitor.  
For those of us where the N was a friend, NC is amazing!  It feels so good to turn the tables and give his behavior back to him.  The victims/targets of the N feel so helpless at times; to be able to direct the “ignoring” behavior back at him (to use a phrase of his) “is simply grand.” 

After I had grieved for a time, his name, the stories and his stupid cliches were banned from my office.  We declared it a “N – Free Zone.”  The office has been sanitized for my protection. 

I hope that hearing about my experiences has at least given you the comfort in knowing that there is ”light at the end of the tunnel.”  Here I am, 3 years later - I survived.  Sure, there are flaws, marks that were not there before; but I’d like to think that they have added character and depth.  (With a little Spackle, I can fill them right in.) 
Can I look back on those two years we were “friends” and laugh? 
No.  I’ll let you know if, and when, that ever happens. 

Are you wondering about that envelope that found its way to my mail box? 
Don’t worry – I didn’t open it and I didn’t deliver it to him.  I dropped it in the outgoing mail bag. 
Just like Karma… IT will find him, eventually. 

 Postscript: 
The phrase Pretend Guy was one that I found early during my research of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I went back through reams of paper….most of them being yellow highlighted.  The good news is,  I found the article and here is the link.  The author’s name is Alexandra Nouri.  The article I found was called “Missing the Narcissist.” 

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/so-you-re-in-love-with-a-narcissist-by-alexandra-nouri-t993.html

If the link does not work, you can also Google – “Missing The Narcissist.”  You can find Alex’s writings there too.  Sadly, Alex’s web site is not to be found.  But fortunately someone at:
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org  cared enough to save Alex’s posts. 

Alex: 
I hope you are well and safe.  
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world.  I am speaking for ALL of us when I say that we are grateful. 
Peace.

So – here you are. 
The usher didn’t help you to your seat, you found it yourself. 
You have your play bill, your cell phone is off, but you are NOT ready for this performance. 
You didn’t purchase tickets to this event; you didn’t even order season passes but once again you have been subjected to another performance of Devalue and Discard by the Narcissist. 

You weren’t in the audience, you were on stage.  You were unknowingly cast in this black comedy.  You didn’t audition; you were hand picked by the Narcissist and you just experienced what you hope is your last D&D.  How many times does this make now?  I know, I lost track myself.  You say to yourself, ”I have been abused by the Narcissist for the last time!” 

An experience of Devalue and Discard at the hands of the Narcissist is like riding California Screaming (a roller coaster) but after 2 1/2 minutes the ride isn’t over… the ride operator says, “Let’s go again!”  (Comparing the Narcissist to a roller coaster is not original, but oh so descriptive.)

Right now you are raw with emotions. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to be glad that the relationship is over.  You may be thinking of ways to “fix” the situation, to “fix” him…you may be ready to go groveling back to him. 

Please don’t do it.  It will only give him more opportunities to devalue you.  You will make it easy for him, requiring little or no energy on his part.  I speak from experience, because I tried it.  
Repeatedly. 
That’s why I will say again, “Don’t do it.”  The sadistic delight you will see on the Narcissist’s face will be evident while you try to make everything right…..because everything about the Narcissist is wrong. 

You may not even know that your friend, boy friend, girl friend…fill in the blank…was an N.  You may think that the abuse you suffered was warranted; that you did something to deserve this.  But trust me, you didn’t.  You didn’t deserve to have the stage curtain dropped on you. 

You may not have a clue what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is…but you will.  Believe me, you will…and when that light bulb goes off in your head, so many things are going to start falling into place.  Soon, when you go on line and start doing research, so many things are going to make sense…as much sense as an emotional disturbed Narcissist can make.   

While a part of you is dying to get the N back in your life, another part of you, perhaps your subconscious, is more grateful than you will ever possibly know that he’s gone.  I called this point of time in my recovery  ”Missing Pretend Guy.”  It’s not original.  It’s a phrase and thoughts from an individual named Alexandra Nouri

You have started start to move on, making  connections with others who have been through similar circumstances.  Those connections will be a blessing to you.  Trust me.  You’ve figured out what the N is…and more importantly, what he isn’t…and you have begun the slow healing process. 

You cautiously believe that he is gone from your life for good.  Reaching this point of acceptance has taken a long time.  Some days, you might even feel “normal.”  Then, out of the blue….or more appropriately black….here he comes again…and you are hit with his one two punch of D & D. 

I call this “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.”  Just when you think he’s gone he appears at the side of the stage to take another bow….or give another blow to your fragile self esteem.  ”Hoovering” is a similar phrase, but when he’s  “Hoovering” he’s trying to get back into your favor, for a time.   
Don’t worry, his nice behavior won’t last long. 

In case you have been fortunate enough to not have experienced an N at his full rage and power…here’s an example of how he spins his web of deception….personal experience…

The N befriends his target, his victim…usually female.  Sometimes the N has an adequate amount of supply, so he may have many little minor sources of supply….sources that he may choose at some point in time to cultivate into major supply.  Sometimes the N comes on slowly, maybe this is so we will be less suspicious of his true motives.  Maybe he actually learned from previous “relationships” that swooping in on his quarry gets him supply for a much shorter period of time.  Or, gets him nothing at all.  Scaring off his victims before they are under his ’spell’ means more work for the N.  And, if there’s one thing that tires out the N, it’s having to cultivate fresh, new Narcissistic Supply.  He has to be on his best behavior, keeping his mask securely fastened…”Ho-Hum” this wears him out. 

I don’t know if anyone has ever figured out why the N starts cultivating his ‘minor’ supply into a major, perhaps his main source of supply.  I know in my case, the N had suffered the blow of losing, granted temporarily, his main source of narcissistic supply and comfort…I was in the wrong place at the right time.  Or – perhaps that should be worded…I was in the wrong place at the wrong time…..

We know that generally speaking, it is the N who does the abandoning, not the supply/victim.  The N must be careful in the beginning of the ‘relationship’ to have you reeled in before begining the D&D.  In the beginning the N will make you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread…with or without the peanut butter. 

I would hate to see/or to have experienced what would have happened if I had been the one to abandon the Narcissist. 

The N idealizes his victim…for a while.  He brings out the best in his target.  He mirrors our good qualities back to us…I think the reason we think he is so fabulous…is because he is mirroring us!  We are seeing ourselves…Hey, what’s not to like?  The qualities we are seeing displayed…are us!  These character traits are sadly lacking in the N.  

We thrive for a time on his adulation.  What human being doesn’t want to be valued, treasured, recognized for doing a great job?  It is easy to be enticed by all the praise….what’s not to like about compliments?   And well, gosh darn it…we think to ourselves ”you know, I really am quite a remarkable human being….” 

I admit to my fragility.  I wonder…..What was it about me, at that moment in time that drew the Narcissist to me?  Why did he target me?  What was it that made me so very vulnerable to his friendship? 
How can I be sure to never do it again? 

He is effusively complimentary of us at times.  He may have started to compliment and degrade us in the same sentence.  These underhanded verbal jabs can leave us confused…as confusing as the gaslighting. 

As time goes on, the compliments are less frequent.  The verbal put downs, the sarcastic comments and simply the body language, make us feel that we have done something horribly wrong to fall from grace in the eyes of The N. 

I’d like to know why we I valued the opinion of the N?… Why did I care about falling from grace in the eyes of one so evil?….Why did I care so much that I tormented myself into to thinking that it was me and not him?  Falling from the “grace” of the Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!

The abuse continues.  As is the N’s protocol, he might throw his target a ‘bone.”  He might give us a ‘moment of value’ and maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of “Pretend Guy” (thanks again Angel Fire).  He is now constantly devaluing his victim….

…..as was my experience, this went on as long as it amused him.  It was sadistic… he devalued me time after time.  When I had been drained dry…it was time for the final Discard. 

Discard…..that word reminds me of playing a card game with friends…a pleasant evening, and you have an opportunity to discard.  Perhaps without even much thought, you throw those cards you no longer want into the pile…..the ones that don’t give you a ‘good hand’….without another thought. 

After the Discard comes the feelings of being worthless, when it is the N who is worthless.  We are weak and fragile, but we will call upon an inner strength that we didn’t know we had.  The N is a weak and fragile toddler, with no ability to grow any further. 

It is while you are feeling these things…weak, fragile, confused…that the ‘curtain calls’ start.  At least they did for me. 
Here you are trying to pull yourself together.  You are trying to fix the broken pieces of your self esteem and your life; when he returns to the stage.  

You think, maybe things will be okay…  Maybe he will let me apologize, maybe he will tell me what it was that I did wrong.  Once again-assuming all the blame…he adores that, since he is better than everyone and anything else.  We are mistaken, he isn’t  back for reconciliation, he’s back to twist the knife again. 

 The phrase Curtain Calls seems to be very appropriate for the Narcissist….with their flair for the dramatic, their mask and costuming…a wolf in sheep’s clothing…their repeated appearances in your life…I thought it was something I came up with on my own until I read a post by Dr. Sam Vankin…..

“But the narcissist is slow to abandon its victims. It is there, lurking, rendering existence unreal, twisting and distorting with no respite, an inner, remorseless voice, lacking in compassion and empathy for its victim. The narcissist is there in spirit long after it has vanished in the flesh. This is the real danger that the victims of the narcissist face: that they become like him, bitter, self-centred, lacking in empathy. This is the last bow of the narcissist, his curtain call, by proxy as it were.”

Fortunately for me and those around me, I did not become like the Narcissist.  I think his ”curtain calls” would have continued, except I stopped attending his performances….when he left the stage…while he waited in the wings…waiting for the applause…the standing ovation….that never came…waiting for a narcissistic encore…
I left the theatre.

The house is dark….the Broadway tour is over….
I fervently hope there will not be a revival.

     The hot genre right now in young adult literature is ‘Vampire Romance.’  Unless you have been living on a deserted island for the past three years, I’m not sure how you could not have heard of the books Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.  Written by Stephenie Meyers, Twilight is about a teenage girl named Bella Swan who falls in love with a “17 year old” boy (still after 100 years) named Edward Cullen, who just so happens to be a vampire.  For me, it’s just a typical day at work. 

     This happens to be “Twilight Week” and I dare say that tens of thousands of teenage girls (and boys) are getting ready for the release of the new film adaptation of Meyer’s first book, opening on Friday, November 21st.  The premiere, Monday night in Westwood, CA…was one hot ticket.  The book, Twilight was released in the Fall of 2005, and teenage readers (and adults) have been crazy about it ever since.  Yes, I am going to see the movie….it’s sort of expected. 

     A more adult Vampire Romance series is written by Lyndsay Sands.  It begins with A Quick Bite and ends with (currently) Vampire Interrupted.  (I hope she will write more.)  These books are funny, sexy, and sarcastic.  While Meyer’s characters (spoiler) wait until their wedding night to consummate their love, Sand’s characters give into their desires with fervor and frequency….it gets quite steamy.  These books are delightfully witty and addictive.  I would LOVE to see these books turned into movies.

     The genre of Vampire Romance is not new.  In 1976, Anne Rice’s books became hugely popular with the Vampire Chronicles beginning with An Interview With a Vampire.  At some high schools, there two factions of kids, those that love Anne Rice and those that love Stephenie Meyer…a type of ”Rice vs Meyer” debate. 

     Some students have sided with their favorite main (male) character in the Twilight saga…there are hot debates between “Team Edward” & “Team Jacob” as well as T-shirts that boldly proclaim their allegiance.  (For those not in the know, Jacob is the underdog, literally…werewolf from the Indian reservation of La Push, WA.)  Whatever side they are on is not important, just as long as the students are reading. 

     The author Charlaine Harris’ books have prompted the HBO series True Blood.  I will freely admit that I am hooked on True Blood.   I have not read the books yet, but the first three are on hold for me at my favorite book store.  (Warning: On the TV series, the “F-bomb” is dropped, frequently.)  The actor who portrays “Bill” has got to be the most handsome vampire I’ve seen.  Sorry Rob, but my first born is a year older than you.)

     But really, this post is not about vampire romance novels.  It’s about a trait of the Narcissist.  I finally understood (Emotional, my word) Vampirism after I read Marie-France Hirigoyen’s book, Stalking The Soul- Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Idenity.  This book is a validation for anyone who has been abused by a narcissist.  Last year a friend found this book and recommended it to me.  She read parts of it over the phone to me until my copy came.  That’s a true friend.  This is the first book I’ve read re: abuse and Narcissism, where the author did not blame me, the victim, for the situation I found myself enmeshed in.  This book was an epiphany to me.  Advice when reading?  Keep that yellow highlighter handy. 

      Up until this point in my recovery, I had not read about Vampirism as it could apply to the Narcissist.  Webster’s Dictionary defines Vampirism this way: Vampirism: n. 3. the act or practice of preying ruthlessly on other people.  Preying on others, seeking them out, ruthlessly…without pity or compassion…that would be the N.  While N does not bare his fangs to suck the blood out of his victims, he does suck the life, the joy, the motivation, the personality….from them. 

     The following are quotes from Stalking The Soul specifically the section on Vampirism.  There is so much good material I wanted to share, I had a hard time knowing where to stop.  The book is so good; You will have to order it from Amazon yourself.  The author’s words are concise and accurate, I found myself often saying, out loud…Are you talking about the N I knew? 

The partner doesn’t exist as a person but as a prop for a quality the abuser wishes to appropriate…

Abusive Narcissists intensely envy those who seem to posses what they do not or those who simply enjoy life…..They attack the others self esteem and self confidence in order to increase their own self worth…they appropriate the others self worth…

They try to destroy the happiness around them…they undermine simple relationships because of cynicism and their incapacity to love…They impose on others their dark vision of the world and their chronic dissatisfaction with life…

Their critical sense is highly developed, so they spend lot of time criticizing everyone and everything; this allows them to remain all-powerful; “If others are worthless, that means I must be better than they are.”

They dampen the enthusiasm of the people around them, seeking foremost to show that the world and its inhabitants are evil and that their partner is also bad…One sees in abusers wild infatuations followed by brutal and irreparable rejection….

People around them don’t understand how someone can fall from grace in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason……!!! 

Validation!  Thank you, I’ve never understood the fall from grace either. 

      How are these individuals so alike in their dysfunction?  After reading posts from so many women, (statistics show that more men are narcissists than women) I’ve entertained the thought that they ALL must have graduated from the same Alma mater…but they certainly could not have been in the same dorm….there wouldn’t have been enough mirrors to go around.  I am only able to joke about the N now because I am away from him.  Everything about him was poisonous. 

       At the end of this so-called friendship my self esteem was slowing ebbing away.  I was only capable of mirroring the shell of the human being I had become.  Like Dracula’s bride, would I have become a Vampire like him on the third bite?  Would Van Helsing have had to ’stake’ me?  The Narcissist continued the various types of abuse that he inflicted upon me on a daily basis.  Some days he might throw me a bone, with a kind word, or sometimes I got a glimpse of the man (Pretend guy) that was my friend. (idolized).  But that was soon gone, as he sucked the last drops of humanity from me.  The strange thing is, when I look back on those years, the photos I see of my self, I look normal…but I was far from it. 

     I finally figured out that the N wanted the beautiful qualities (human) that he saw in me.  He set out to appropriate all things positive.  Slowly, over the course of many months, he drained me of the very things that made me, me.  The good news is that I have slowly gotten my identity back; but I will never be the warm, trusting, kind soul that I once was.  Maybe that is for the best.  I think it would have been simpler if the N had been wearing a T-shirt that said “Beware – EVIL.”  Perhaps he was, maybe he had it on under his “sheep’s clothing.”

  Post updated on 12/12/2008….because I realized I have so much more to say on this matter…

Sometimes I get my best ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  This phrase was one that caught my attention this week.  To whoever…whomever… (?) entered this search term….thank you. 

     Can you truly forgive the Narcissist? 

That’s a good question.  Can you?  Must we? If a person is truly trying be like Christ…..then one must forgive the individual who caused them so much grief, pain, turmoil, agony, brokenness….how many synonyms can I use…..?  I could cite scripture references on forgiveness….but I already know what they say…we are to forgive our enemies.  So easy to say…..so easy to do…..if you are Divine…I’m not. 

I used to pray for the N.  Just like I pray for my family, my friends, my sons…Before the “final” D & D (Devalue and Discard), while we were “friends”  I would pray that the N would find favor in work situations.  I prayed for his “relationships” within his family. 

I made the mistake of telling him once that I prayed for him re: this situation or that….I think he may have started to view me as his “Lucky Charm.”  I tried to teach him, to educate him, to help him “open his eyes and his heart” that it was not me praying for him, that was bringing about positive changes in his life….rather it was Father God, the Son, the Holy Spirit that was doing the changing…of him.  Oops, there was another mistake I made, telling that precious truth to someone who believes I am “polytheistic” in my faith.  Do not throw your pearls before swine…..

The Bible does say that we are to pray for our enemies, so that’s what I did.  No, it was NOT easy.  Here’s a verse…extremely paraphrased….”Pray for your enemies and in doing so…you will heap hot coals of burning fire upon their heads…..”  Sounds delightful to me……Forgive me Father, I know that is the wrong desire, but I also know that You did not Design us to be “door mats.” 

 After (an) the “D & D”, I prayed that our friendship would be repaired, (how seriously twisted was that desire on my part?) that the N would forgive me for whatever it was that I had done, that made him angry enough to treat me as he did. 

What had I done?  Let’s see, I was human.  I didn’t mirror what he wanted to see.  I called him on his hideous behavior.  I was “bad supply.”  Oh what a wicked source of supply I was…..

There came a point when I finally realized that I should not be praying for the N…that I should not, could not pray for the N, any longer.  Praying for him kept him in my head; in my heart.  I needed his evil exorcised from me.  I stopped praying for him; and started praying for myself…that the Lord would help me recover and heal.   

I am/will be eternally grateful to God for providing His Abundant Grace for me. I will not be like Christ, this side of the Veil.  No matter how much I focus on God’s Word, pray, spend time in church…try to be a “cookie-cutter Christian”…I will never be like the Father while I am here on earth. 

What a relief that is!  It does not stop me from trying to emulate Christ…it does stop be from beating myself up when I am not….which is everyday. 

Forgiveness of the N who abused me is not something that comes easy.  Can I genuinely forgive the Narcissist for the abuses that he inflicted on me?  I don’t know if I can or not.  With God’s help I can. 

The N told me that many individuals hated me.  (Projection)  I was having a conversation with one of them recently.  I had decided to purge myself of the some of the pain that the N had left me with.  It felt good to be a “tattletale” although I knew what I was going to share, was going to hurt this person. There was a moment of silent prayer when I asked God to forgive me for hurting  this woman, when I revealed to her the lies….lies that the N had convinced me were Truth. 

After I divulged the truth to her…when she regained her composure…she said, “Forgive and Forget.”  I looked at her, dumbfounded…… I thought “Wait just a minute here!….You can’t possibly be telling me to forgive that (*^& (^*&^ ))&*%(*^+^***#{ +#%!!!
(I sometimes have a very colorful way of speaking.)

“Forgive and Forget!?”  I was starting to say, “No!”  
Then she continued……”Forgive him for being an *** ^#*>….. and Forget that he exists!” 
She let that sink in.  

(Someone should make that into a counted cross stitch!  I know I’d buy one.)  A sly smile spread across my face.  “I can certainly do that!” I said.  Forget he exists….I have been NC (No Contact) with him for months.  That was my choice.  He is dead to me….

I know he’s an *** ^#*>…..a liar, a warped and twisted mind….I refuse to make excuses for his behavior, like so many other individuals do…I am declaring that he is a seriously damaged individual….I acknowledge that he was incapable to do anything to change his past….I can forgive him for being incapable to change his future…he is unable, he is unwilling to seek professional help…he is forever frozen as a weak, fragile toddler and that is truly tragic.  I pray that in his future, he will not destroy any more innocent lives….or lives of those not yet living, those precious human beings that do not deserve one iota of his abuse.  I pray that if any innocents are unknowingly intertwined with him, that God will show the innocents a clear way of escape. 

     If this doesn’t sound like forgiveness….then hopefully it sounds a little bit like progress.

     After suffering from migraines for several months now, I finally went to see my chiropractor.  As he moved me from massage chair to ultra sound for deep muscle relaxation, to the “crack me” table, (as I call it.)  He announced that my muscles were inflamed and I was poorly out of alignment.  My legs were/ are not even the same length.  He asked me in his Southern drawl….”So young lady….what are you angry about?”  I thought for a moment.  “That’s funny,” I said…”I didn’t know I was angry…I thought I had blogged it all out….guess I need to write another article about the Narcissist.” 

     So – NPD fans and fellow victims get ready.  There’s another piece of the puzzle coming.

This was originally entitled “Gaslighting: Doggy style. 

I was going to be able to use this great line:  “No, this is not going to be about sex.  Mind out of the gutter, please.”  But I thought if I had one more post about Gaslighting, my audience was probably going to go screaming off into the night. 

Really, this is going to be about being gaslighted by two canines. Specifically a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a Treeing Walker Coon Hound.  While I can’t cite specifics re: the abuses from the N;
I can tell the you about two dogs that made my life miserable for 45 minutes while on vacation. I do like dogs, but I’m sorry, cats are never this cruel. 

We were on vacation in the Emerald City; actually on an island, but close enough for this tale.  We had spent 3 wonderful weeks in the Pacific Northwest.  My husband and older sons returned home; leaving myself and our youngest son to follow a few days later.

I had carefully packed two memory cards for my camera in my carry on luggage.  I put them in a Ziploc bag with a few other small soft items.  I knew exactly where they were.  After three weeks I was re-packing, getting ready to go home.  I hate re-packing.  How is it that you can never get the same suitcase to close as easily as you did on the way up?  It’s like an old TV show where the heroine tries to wiggle into a girdle. 

One evening before we left, our friends and I were going to swap photos.  I had filled one memory card, with about 700 photos.  I sat down with my friend and we went through photos from our joint vacation the previous summer. There were close to 500 photos; I decided it would be easier to down load all of the photos from his lap top.  “Go get your memory cards,” he said.  I went into one of the guest rooms that my husband and I share when we visit……….

Moose and Petunia are very curious dogs.  (Hey, I didn’t name them, the kids did.)  The moment we arrived with our luggage they were in the guest room.  Sniffing the suitcases….”Hey, I smell cat!”  Climbing on the bed and laying on the comforter…”Hey, we’ll sleep with you guys tonight…”  It took five minutes to move 80 and 65 pounds of dog from the room. 

Early in the trip, the 1/2 pound of fudge from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, ”disappeared” plastic wrapping and all.  Our friends never did find any ‘remnants.’  After that we were always careful to close the bedroom door so that we did not have a raid from any furry commandos.

……My carry on bag was sitting on the bed right where I had left it…except the door was ajar.  I reached in to get the Ziploc bag with the memory cards; the bag was gone.  I went back out to the main level….where could I have left it?  I retraced my steps, 4 or 5 times.  I looked in the bag again.  My friend called me from the living room…”Are you going to bring the memory card?”  The dogs were strangely absent. 

If I hadn’t felt like I had stepped back in time, standing my office, hunting for something that the N had taken, I might thought to see where the dogs were. Instead I kept searching the main floor of the house.  My friends joined in the hunt.  They both assured me that the dogs would have never taken a Ziploc bag from my bedroom.  My girlfriend started wondering, out loud, whether I had actually brought it with me on vacation. I had that horrible panicked feeling of thinking: Did I really bring the memory cards?  Am I imagining this?  I  was having flash backs to when the N was gaslighting me on a daily basis.  I had that same off centered feeling. 

I should have paid more attention to the dogs as they nonchalantly sat on the living room floor.  Petunia had THE most guilty look on her face.  She’d look at me and then look away.  To those of you who have dogs, you know “the look.”

After 45 minutes, it seemed like longer, of walking through the house, running my hands through my hair, looking under everything…we found about 30 dog bones or portions of them…my friend took the flashlight and went out into the darkness.  I stood on the porch, not wanting to commune with the raccoons, skunks and other furry woodland creatures.  “Is this it?” he called.  He found the bag at the edge of the wetlands.  Yes, the Ziploc bag that carefully held 2 2 GB memory cards the size of my thumbnail, was returned to the kitchen for inspection.  The cards were fine.  They were still in their individual cases.  I can’t say the same for the Ziploc bag or the tea bags; they were quite spitty.  Sorry Petunia, it wasn’t more fudge. 

Moose couldn’t look me in the eye, and went to his kennel.  Petunia was found upstairs in our friend’s bedroom, hiding under the covers.  The next day, I surprised Petunia by coming into the room from another direction, she took one look at me, and her back legs couldn’t move fast enough. She raced out the doggie door and ‘hid’ outside under the tire swing.

When I got home and started unpacking, the cats were very curious.  They kept sniffing the luggage, mouths open, with disgusted looks on their furry faces.  “Ewwwww!  Have you been around a Dog?!”  “How could you!!  Traitor!!!!”  I took another dirty load of laundry to the washer; when I returned to the family room, the cats were standing over something white on the floor.  It was a dog bone.  I guess Moose and Petunia were trying to apologize.

To view the other articles in this series, click on the category of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the right side of my blog.   Be sure to read Gaslighting:  The Narcissist’s Game.  As my friend Jan says, “It’s like coming in after the movie has started…” 

I had no idea that when I wrote “Gaslighting:  A Narcissist’s Game” that it would strike the ‘nerve’ that it has.  “The stories you have heard are true, the names were changed to protect the innocent…..” 

There were examples of the “gaslighting madness” inflicted on me that I have had to leave out; the situations were far too identifying.  There were many vague and truly odd things that happened while I was ‘friends’ with the N, while I was in the midst of D&D.  (Devalue and Discard)  I think many of those memories have been blocked by my subconscious.

I wrote the first post on “gaslighting” because I found very little information on this abuse.  I felt that if I needed information, maybe other people did too.  So I started doing research. 

The best article I’ve come across is entitled “Ambient Abuse” written by Dr. Sam Vankin.  I found Dr. Vankin’s site when I was researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder after the final D&D…(I have since figured out that there is no “final” where the N is concerned.)  Dr. Vankin has probably the best site for information on NPD, for very good reason:  Dr. Vankin is a narcissist. 

It was after first reading Dr. Vankin’s articles I realized what my ‘friend’ was.  I can hear you saying, “only a doctor can diagnose NPD.”  Seriously, what are the chances that the N is EVER going to darken the door of a therapist’s office??  Besides, after reading the DSM-IV, the ”Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”, the N has all 9 characteristics.  That realization was like “fingernails on a blackboard” for me.  If that isn’t scary enough for you, on the MSN groups Narcissistic Personality Disorder forum, there is a list of 20 behaviors/traits of a Narcissist.  The N had 18 out of 20.  The missing two characteristics?  He probably has those too, but I had not experienced those aspects of his personality.  Lucky me.

I was looking for specific examples of gaslighting on the Internet.  Was this comment or that behavior just a quirk of the N?  Or Was he really gaslighting me?  Dr. Vankin’s article on “Ambient Abuse” confirmed my fears, the N had been using these techniques to damage me. 

It was quite sometime after the N moved on to other, “less drained” sources of supply that his covert operations were confirmed.  Friends told me one evening that often they would see the N in my office, after hours.  After I had left for the day.  They wondered why he was there, but never wanted to confront the N.  Can you blame them?  Sadly, it never occurred to them to tell me what they had witnessed. 
If they had, it would have been validation for me - I wasn’t going crazy; there was a crazy individual in my life. 
(Bet you thought I was going to call him a person.)

Bear with me…as I finish my NPD posts.  Yes, these posts will eventually come to an end; I still have a few more things to say.  It was after I finished the “Mirror, Mirror” post that I felt “cleansed” from the abusive friendship.  Victims/targets of a narcissist rarely, excuse me, NEVER get closure; this is mine.

**Footnote…..On “Desperate Housewives” shown on October 26, 2008….one of the male characters had begun “gaslighting” the elderly woman who lives in the neighborhood.  What that character did, moving possessions…that is what the N did to me.  On the television drama, the male character admits to the elderly woman that yes, he was trying to drive her crazy as she lays in an ambulance, with no witnesses.  
We are left not knowing “why” at the end of the evening’s telecast.  I know the feeling; I used to occasionally wonder what The N’s real motive was with me.  I know now.  It was simply to abuse another human being.  Try wrapping your mind around that. 

To see the other articles in my series, click on the category of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the right side of my blog page.  For more articles on Gaslighting click on that link. Be sure to read Gaslighting:  Epilogue. 

Victims or “targets” of Narcissists are often nurturing, sensitive, forgiving human beings. It is precisely those character traits that make she/he (more often victims are females rather than males) more vulnerable to abuse from the Narcissist. As a result of their relationship, the victim or “target” can suffer from depression, drug/alcohol abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Psychological abuse is very serious; it leaves emotional scars. Scars, that no one can see, but they are as real as any bleeding wound. 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It involves an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the subject, having the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory, perception and judgement.  A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim’s environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc.

The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights’ dimming, she is told she is imagining things.  Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected.  

Altering My Environment -

In my “relationship” with the N, his gaslighting deceit started subtlety at first.  Occasionally a file would be missing from my desk.  Later I’d find it in another office.  The copies I had just made would be back in the copier, when I was sure that I had removed them from the tray.  Things in my office would be moved, sometimes briefly missing…not where I had left them.  After a few months, the frequency increased to nearly every day.  My only respite was during the summer. 

There is a line of dialog in “Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl” that I identified with.  When the character William Turner says…”not where I left you…” in regards to his sword…that was something I said nearly every day. 

Sometimes the game took place when my shift was over.  I remember I had left something on my desk and the next morning it was gone.  Later that day, I returned to my desk to find it in the same place I had left it the night before.  It became very frightening.  I was afraid that maybe I was going crazy.

Often when I returned to work in the mornings, there was a sense that something was not right; in regards to my work space/ environment, but I could not pinpoint the cause.  I never reported this to anyone.  The brainwashing by the N was already damaging my ability to think for myself.  Dr. Sam Vankin calls this “Ambient Abuse.”  I didn’t think anyone in authority would believe my claims of someone removing things from my office.  Rather they would think that I was inept and incapable of doing my job.  Those were all ideas that the N planted in my head. 

The few times that I voiced my frustrations to the N in regards to things being moved, things not where I had left them…his response was, “Well if you weren’t so stupid you’d know where you put them!”  I learned to not share my concerns with him, but it was too late, the damage had been done.  He would occasionally ask, “Lose anything today?” 

I remember one late afternoon when I was frantically searching for a file.  It was information that I could reprint, but I was so confused that it was not where I had just left it.  The N appeared at the edge of my desk; the strange thing was I had not even heard him come in.  He had a smirk on his face when he said, “Looking for something?”  “No,” I lied, “just cleaning up.”  It was about that time that I started thinking that he had something to do with things being missing.  But I dismissed the thought.  I had been so brainwashed by him that I would never accuse my “friend” of sabotaging me. 

At the end of the “relationship,” things were stolen; items that were in locked file cabinets were gone, cabinets, to which he had a key.  He denied ever having seen the missing items, denied that they even existed.  My only real proof that he was using this “technique” was that when he finally left my life, (because he stayed on long after the ‘major’ D&D,) it was only after he had finally been removed from my surroundings, did the gaslighting stop. 

When he left, there were many things missing….my self esteem, self worth, confidence, my personality, my trustful nature and the thing I missed the most, the person I thought was my best friend…aka “Pretend Guy.” 

Psychological Abuse

The N frequently questioned my ability to perform my job.  This was done covertly.  Often he would appear, supposedly coming to my rescue, while I was dealing with a situation well within my capabilities.  The following scenario happened repeatedly, it got to the point where I only felt capable of doing my job when he was around.  This was exactly what he wanted. 

Once, as I tried to explain to an individual, for the third time what I needed her to do, she continued to look at me with a blank, confused expression.  The N stepped into my office and the conversation and said the EXACT thing that I just had.  Suddenly, the clouds parted, the sun shone, the angels sang, and this person understood the N’s instructions and left to take care of the task.  The N turned to me with a very smug expression on his face.  Stupidly, I was very appreciative, thanking him for helping me.  Never once did I wonder if these events were orchestrated by the N. 

I have replayed events like this one in my head – as sick as it sounds, I am certain that the persons in the situations were his proxies.  They were all part of the game. This is a variation that Dr. Sam Vankin calls this “Incapacitating.” 

Verbal Abuse -

N said some of the most bizarre and suggestive things to me.  Things that one friend would certainly not say to other.  Things that should not have been said in a working relationship.  I tried to excuse his abuse and bad behavior with the knowledge I had of his childhood.  Truthfully, I always excused his ‘bad behavior’.  I was very supportive of him…the need that I felt…my desire to protect him…this desire was ill placed.  I should have been protecting myself – from him. 

Sometimes, he would actually admit to having said something strange or extremely inappropriate.  “Oh, that’s just something I say,” would be his response.  I know at some point in this insanity, my subconscious was screaming to be heard…”Really?! That’s just something you say?!  There are other people that you are this abusive to?  Maybe I should start a support group for people who have suffered from having any contact with you!!    

Sometimes he would make an outrageous comment or suggestion to me. Once, out of the blue, he said, “I know lots of people who are married, and they have affairs.”  After I was able to shake out the “fog” his words had put me in, I asked him, “What do you mean by that?  Are you seriously suggesting that our friendship take a different path?”  He looked at me and denied ever having made the statement.  Less than a minute had even passed!  My confusion at this point was beyond extreme.  I had no way to “take a step back” and see him for what he really was. 

 When the “friendship” finally reached its grotesque conclusion I didn’t know who or what to believe.  I didn’t trust anyone.  Looking back now, that was what he wanted.  He didn’t want me to trust anyone.  He didn’t want me to talk to anyone, to tell them the details of what I had suffered through…he didn’t want me to tell anyone about what kind of an alien life form he was…excuse me, is.  I call him an alien, because I can’t bring myself to say he’s a human being.  He’s not.

Be sure to read - Gaslighting:  Epilogue for the conclusion to this post.