Can you tell a Narcissist by his eyes?
This sweet cat would no doubt be offended at the comparison.
The individual asking Google the question used the phrasing “Can you tell a narcissist with his eyes.” I don’t think you can necessarily tell what kind of human being a person is, by their eyes.
I have only known one bona fide narcissist and I know what his eyes were like.
Some people are shy, they can’t look you in the eyes for very long. It’s not that they are dishonest, it just makes them uncomfortable, makes them feel vulnerable, to look in another person’s eyes for very long. Being a victim of a narcissist left me feeling fragile and fearful to let people see my eyes. As if, they would be able to see the pain that was written there.
Many people like myself have been harmed by individuals who portrayed themselves as genuine, when in actuality there wasn’t a human emotion in their being….the only emotions they had, were mirrored from another living, breathing person. To look a narcissist in the eye is the beginning of losing a part of your self…they take so much – they take as much as they can and then they leave the shell of their victim behind.
There is the famous phrase that says: “The eyes are the windows to the soul.”
I don’t know if that is true or not. People would be afraid to look anyone in the eye if it was. Everyone would be able to see each others flaws, hurts, their darkest secrets. We know (those of us who were/are victims), that narcissists have no soul…at least it seems that way to us after we have been abused by them for a season or in the unfortunate cases of some…a lifetime.
Since the demise of the narcissist, I have gotten good, or should I say better at reading people. I like to think of it as radar or maybe N-dar. It would be even better to say that I listen to my Intuition now. I watch body language when I meet people; when I interact. I watch how people comport themselves…I watch their eyes. I look to see if they attempt to ‘lock me in their gaze’ and not look away.
There’s a Red Flag waving.
Sometimes I wish I had Sookie Stackhouse’s (True Blood) gift of hearing thoughts. She would be quick to say that she does not read minds, but rather thoughts and feelings. But like Sookie, it is impossible to ‘glamour’ me. Sorry Bill…Sorry Eric, it won’t work.
I will tell you one thing about the narcissist’s eyes….his eyes changed color.
I know, I know, it’s not supposed to be possible, not without contact lenses.
I know it sounds like something out of Hollywood or a popular novel…Edward’s eyes changed from golden to black, when hungry.
I can only tell you what I saw.
The N’s eyes would turn black when he raged or during an episode of Devalue & Discard (we’re not talking Dungeons and Dragons)
His eyes changing color was something that happened many times.
Truly, his eyes looked like a shark’s eyes. Empty, cold and unfeeling….just like him.
This post attracted me for a number of reasons! I’ve been fascinated with and have been burned by Narcissists, and we have a Turkish Angora cat with one blue eye and one amber eye. Well, actually, we no longer have him. Paddington (that’s his name) has moved to San Francisco to be re-united with his original owner. So I miss the guy and was happy to see this cat.
Hi all
I have been reading all your posts and am amazed at the response. Have any of you witnessed your partner or spouse starring at other women with the same intensity where he stares so long that he locks her and she stares back in wonder. Then, you are left sitting in pure shock, gob smacked and off course, and when you pick up enough courage to confront him and he will deny it and you are the crazy one?
Hi Biddy:
A typical response / motive of behavior for the Narcissist.
So common to the N turn to “gaslighting behavior to make you the crazy one.
“No honey, there’s nothing wrong with the lighting in here….”
ES
Gas lighting.
When anyone treats you that way (narcissist or non-narcissist) and you know they are lying to your face, why even allow yourself to be in that situation?
It won’t get better.
Accepting the lie just encourages it and it impacts your own mental health.
Thanks Layla. When we realize that a narcissist is gas lighting us, our first and only response should be to run in the other direction.
ES
My soon to be ex’s eyes have turned completely black on a number of occasions. I wouldn’t call them “fish eyes.” I have an aquarium and even my fish show more emotion than that!! They are maybe closer to shark eyes, or the evil in the eyes of those “black eyed children or people” that people are talking about encountering. They say their eyes are bone chilling pure evil, and terror to behold, and scared them literally to death.
Thank you for sharing and I truly hope that you are able to leave the N soon.
ES
Oh wow.
My N’s eyes changed color, too. First picture I saw of him on the internet, they were so blue. After we met I discovered they are usually a sort of brown, golden even. He usually wears polarized glasses so one doesn’t often actually see what the color is. And when enraged, they turned very dark.
The last time I spoke with him, several months ago, now that I am free of all my emotional issues with him, I took a good look at those eyes. And I thought to myself, “Fish eyes. Flat, no feeling.” And now I read this.
Thank you, thank you for helping me remember that I really am not crazy.
Hermite:
Oh! You are so very welcome. No, we’re not crazy. In discussing the N it’s the last thing that I ever mention, about his eyes turning black, because I feel like whomever I am talking to is going to get “that look” on their face. You know the one…”Get a net.” As if the rest of all the crazy making behaviors that he exhibted are normal.
Thank you, you made my day!
Oh my goodness! My MN ex partner had eyes of a distinctive green but wore tinted glasses all the time. Over the years I saw those green eyes less and less his eyes were always dark, sometimes thunderous like black storm clouds. When he looked at me when his eyes were dark I could feel it like a punch in the gut. Malevolent, furious ,bottomless , like an animal that was going to rip you asunder
Yes. Black and glittering like he’d rip out my insides with one swipe if he could. How do they glitter like that. One day he was leading a group event and I looked up at him. His eyes were glittering so brightly, his face was flushed and he held those people and their attention in the palm of his hand. He has them all obedient to him. Scary.
Sounds like a cult leader’s mind control.
ES
This is written by Sam Vaknin, he is a narcissist. It is the most accurate description that I have found that I can relate to. This will help you better understand, worth the read.
“Malignant Self Love”
“Do Narcissists Have Emotions?”
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq33.html
Thanks Layla. I have frequently referred readers to Sam Vankin.
ES
I can confirm the spooky eye change as well.
Both my N-father’s eyes and my recent N-ex-boyfriend’s eyes changed and became like glazed black marbles. Fish eyes is a great way to describe it.
Empty, void and portraying the deep nothing-ness of their soul. Vacant, harsh and and marble black. Like black holes to suck you in.
Other times (when they were charming / wanted something) they could be soft and a nice brown, even hazel – but when they were about to attack / attacking they turned jet black.
I only wish I could have seen it and ran before my soul became a ravaged wasteland. 😦
Lesson learned!
Thanks for your blog and posts!
Hmmmm…. black eyes. How very interesting. I don’t recall about the N’s of my life. But, I wonder what the physiological response that causes the black eyes. I once heard of an old Middle-Eastern Merchant’s “trick” or “tool” to know when a potential customer liked the wares was that the eyes would “dilate” when they saw something they truly liked, even though they would play it off. The merchant could see that “tell-tale” sign and know how well they could haggle over the price in their favor.
Well, how this relates is that I would fathom to hypothesize this: when the “fight or flight” system (Sympathetic Nervous System) is stimulated… several things happen: our lungs dilate (let in more oxygen), Our heart beats faster, blood goes to skeletal muscles (get pumped up) and mydriasis ensues which means: THE EYES/PUPILS DILATE!
When people who are on Uppers/amphetamines/LSD/cocaine… their eyes are DILATED (narcotic use: pupils constrict, become pinpoint).
I learned from a discovery channel show that had presented why when we are faced with a traumatic situation it can feel like an eternity, when it could have happened in mere seconds. For example, like getting out of the way when a car comes almost hits you. The pupils dilate to take in a bigger picture and we see more frames per second, more so than when we are in a normal physiological state.
It would be my best guess that the reason the N’s eyes turn black is that there is a serious physiological response is going on behind their charade/episode of gaslighting. Perhaps like a gambler/cleptomaniac etc… “gets off” on their thrill… the “fight/flight” system (Sympathetic Nervous System) is seriously being stimulated to create such a strong physiological shift in their body… the eyes dilate big time.
OMG! If I see super-dilated eyes that go black in a seemingly normal person… ahhh… I think I am going to back out of that situation!
That is soooo trippy to learn that there are personal accounts of N’s eyes turning dead pan black. Wild. Fish eyes with no soul! This truly must be such a wicked high for the N to have ensued to gain such a strong physiological response for their eyes to dilate to the point of black. Nothing creepy here… sounds like a pure scientific physiological response.
Thanks again for sharing, “elissestuart.” It’s quite ponderous.
Yes, my N’s eyes turned black too.
He was very angry and bitter talking about something from his past (a slight) – it was like he forgot I was there completely and we were on a date, and then his entire eyes went black, not shiny but opaque and it was almost like the blackness was projecting out of them. I felt absolute terror and repulsion at it – just wanted to run away as fast as possible but felt glued to the spot. I should have known better then and ran a thousand miles away from him. That was the turning point in his behaviour and the charm slid away.
Hopefighter911, I think you have a very good point, however, in my case the whole of my N’s eyes went black, there was absolutely no white. The lighting was normal and can’t work out what caused it, but would be curious to hear more about it. I did start to wonder if it was something like a negative entity.
Thankfully I’m free of him and am much better but I do find it very difficult to trust again.
Thanks for this blog, it’s good to hear from others that I have experienced the same. Best wishes to all.
Yes, the eye color change was very creepy. I am amazed at the people who bravely step forward to comment.
You did see a negative entity…When the eyes turn completely black with no white to define where the pupil is located as if it has completely disappeared is an indication of another entity being present. You just witnessed an evil presence and by you not leaving and not returning that was a sign to it that you would put up with it’s behavior. It deemed you weak and victimized you. Been there done that..never again.
Wow Abell!
Don’t even want to ask.
ES
Pupils dilate when someone is lying (or dislikes something), when they like something their pupils usually expand. Sometimes these changes happen very slightly. If you’re good at reading people and have good vision you’ll naturally be able to do this.
As for the physiological connection of eye colors changing there isn’t any scientific studies that have actually proven this, or attempted to connect this in humans.
Could be the non NPD’s perception/bias.
True, there is nothing that has been proven scientifically that an individual’s eyes can change color….but I for one have seen it with my own eyes. It was a “Holy Crap” moment.
ES
ES, I completely get your “Holy Crap” moment.
I left NH over a year ago after a short marriage & true character surfacing. Scary, but I did it!! I came across this blog after watching widely publicized interviews with O.J. Simpson that were just revealed. Nicole Simpson accounted that his eyes would turn black when he was enraged & it brought back memories.
One of the distinct happenings that I did not discuss with many, (for fear of people thinking I was crazy or exaggerating) was that NH’s soft hazel eyes would turn lifeless, jet black. The whites would still show, but the life was gone & the terror in me set in. This happened roughly 4 times in a 7 month period (that I was actually courageous enough to look him in the face during the rages). I’ve seen dilated pupils. This is something different. There is no edge between the pupil & the actual eye. Just dull lifeless black. Like you said, a cold, unfeeling shark.
NH suffered a great amount of abuse growing up. My heart breaks that it happened to him. I hoped & prayed, begged & pleaded that he would get therapy to work through it. Which was never followed through on. It is NEVER okay for us to fear for our lives because someone has suffered abuse in their lives. It is NEVER the case for us to be their new target, punching bag, person to gaslight on, the list goes on & on…..
I’m a spiritual person & of course wondered if this is scientifically possible, obviously hoping this was not a demonic sort of thing. Whatever it is, those of us who’ve seen & lived it know that it is VERY real & is the biggest red flag you’ve ever been given to thank God, your lucky stars, or whatever you believe in – for your life & GET OUT.
A narcissist can tear the most confident, well grounded, shrewdest person down after they win your empathy. My turning point was when my empathy quickly changed to life altering fear on a daily basis & watched this “kind, caring” person morph into a monster in a matter of seconds, every day. A coping mechanism that’s gotten him through life? Probably. But I convinced myself to get out & not end up a statistic.
I’ve lost friends (probably not so great ones) but I did it. If anyone is going through anything similar, tell someone! Anyone! I didn’t have many friends left after NH successfully alienated me from them (yes, they do it quickly, large group of supportive network went to slim to none). Point is, tell even ONE person & make a plan to get out. I’m so glad to find this & wishing much strength & courage to anyone on the fence about leaving someone who has torn down their soul.
Sorry if I wrote too much, I am new to blogs. Just wanted to share this: we are not equipped to heal the trauma that has caused these individuals to act this way. It is not our job to convince or plead with them to go to therapy. Perhaps they’re afraid. Perhaps they’ve grown accustomed to the “pity me, fear me” song & dance they do. Whatever the case, there is NO reason to give your life up wishing & hoping & “seeing” who they are deep down inside. They’ve sadly learned to change like chameleons to survive, so we may never know.
So many are careful to not label anyone as a “narcissistic”. They are much more common than anyone believes. Watch the signs. There is a reason for the saying “devil in sheep’s clothing”.
Dear Genevieve:
Very well said.
I hope you have been able to maintain your distance from the N.
Many blessings in the New Year.
ES
My dad’s ex-girlfriend’s son was an N and his eyes would change color as well. They were green when he was happy, brown when he was sad, but when he was pissed off they would turn black, he said. I was lucky to never be close enough when he was angry to see it.
You were indedd , lucky. ES
I’m grateful to everyone else who posted and shared their truths, I’m glad I’m not alone. The N I was involved in has blue/gray/green eyes so they tended to change color a lot. He always had this freaky stare, he stared right through me. Sometimes I thought he left his body, as if he wasn’t there. The real eye color change happened once, the last time I saw him. His eyes were the same as described above — flat, depthless — they were nearly black. Dead fish eyes suits what I saw perfectly, thank you for that. He set me up for a devalue — me, of course, still not understanding what was going on — he stared at me with those dead fish eyes and all I could do was to stare back until he got his fill and walked away. Being frozen in place is exactly what happened.
His job is to work with “victims”, the damage he’s done is incalculable. In the end, G-d has the final say. I know someone who had dealings with him years ago who is still angry at him as if it all happened yesterday — I won’t let that happen to me, don’t let it happen to you, either. He’s already taken enough, I won’t let him take my future.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
Dear Recovering – thank you for sharing with us. I never dreamed that so many people would have had the same experience.
My ex narcissists eyes would bulge out of his head when he had a rage. He would have both his arms stretched out and fists clenched whilst he raged meantime his eyes, they were very very scary, they looked like they were about to pop out of his head as he transfixed them not on to me but on a corner of the ceiling as he spewed out in his rage a barrage of insults and blamings. His eyes were not of a humans, sounds bad but they were actually ‘evil’. What did i see in him? he even looked mentally retarded in that phase.
I am divorciing a narcassist after almost 30 years of a tortuous marrige. His eyes are hazel and when he was furious or lying (which was often) would constrict so that his pupils were tiny. His eyes are hiding some horrid secret.
In a couple days the PFA is over. Does anybody have any insight on whether he will just stay away or torment me?
Dear Julie:
Wow after 30 years you are finally escaping – good for you.
N’s are so unpredictable, in my experience, that I can’t tell you for sure if he will stay away or reappear.
I am guessing that a PFA is some type of restraining order. In any case, you must stay NC – No Contact for your sanity.
The N takes delight in knowing that he/she will cause you torment whether they show up again or not.
Just work on the NC and take care of yourself.
If he does make a curtain call –
Remember, don’t answer text(s), emails, phone messages…trust me it will make you feel powerful.
ES
I’ve seen the black eyes. This past summer. My N was a “best” friend. Her eyes were hazel but they turned pitch black. Black black black. And her whole face was contorted like a shrunken head you’ve seen in pictures. There were creases radiating out from around her eyes and the middle of her face and mouth and there was one big crease that ran right through the middle like her face was folded in on itself I am not exaggerating any of this. It was an inhuman look. I went no contact soon after that. I’ve tried to figure out HOW anybody’s face could ever look that way. It was horrific. And I was the target of the stare. — So glad to know others have had similar experiences. Nobody could believe it unless they’ve lived through it
Thea: Thank you for sharing with us – When I wrote this post – “Can you tell a Narcissist by his eyes” I never dreamed that so many people would be able to relate to it. Glad that you were able to get away. The eye color change when the N rages is very frightening indeed. So glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore.
Julie,
I divorced my N husband after 40 years; After a year he called me and I could tell he had been crying and he just wanted to talk about the familyso we met for lunch . We have 2 adult children and 6 grandchildren. I wanted to hear what he had to say and he had big tears running down his face every time we would meet for coffee about once a week. Nothing in way of anything but I thought we were trying to move into forgiveness and then we would go to dinner or a movie once a week. I was VERY wary and I had learned a lot but not enough. His sweet brown eyes with smiles and tears led me to think he was repentant for what he had done. Not so, all that crying was for himself .About 4 months later he began starting to feel comfortable with being his “old” self and started doing some of same things to throw me off balance and then deny what he had done. Several months after that, the real N emerged and the devaluing started and the rage appeared and his eyes turned black as I had seen many times. So the cruel person who had clinched his fist, his face red and distorted and saliva at the corners of his mouth was back. I told him I was through for good. He lost 100 lbs., hired a clothes consultant, a professional photographer and had many pictures made and got books on dating again etc. and went on line and now has a new wife (she broke up with him twice in 3 yrs) and now he tells the children he is not the same person. He has denied everything he did to us and says it is all “urban legend” . I have no contact with him except when grandchildren have event to attend and have not seen since he remarried 3 months ago. He is the very same snake except he is more polished and crawled out from under a different rock. I was very fortunate to get away a second time . This N was type of person that he was never wrong, and would not take No for an answer. If there was a winner he had to be it at any cost. Only I paid the price. Take care of yourself and remember where you have been the past 30 years. No contact is best advice for keeping yourself safe. Blessings to you.
I hope that Julie checks back on the posts/comments.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom with us Blossom.
The old saying is true “Once an N, always an N.”
ES
The N that I am related to has the eyes of a snake. I am not exaggerating at all. Earlier, when I was scared of him, his look of anger would be an absolute terror for me. Now, I am no longer scared of him and he does not try to scare me at all. In fact, he pretends to be a very nice person. When I look at his eyes in photographs, it is so astonishing to figure out what snake eyes he seems to have.
I do not react to anything demeaning or insulting he says or does to me and that seems to have taken out the sting of his venomous attack altogether. But like a snake, he is lying low so that he can ambush me when he gets a chance. The sad part is that my husband thinks that his N father is a very caring and helpful person. No matter what I tell him about his father, my husband thinks that I am crazy and just imagining things. For the time being, I am planning as to how to stay away from this N. I think about all the nasty things he has said and done to me so that I am not fooled by his pretension any more. God help me and all his victims in the family and outside.
Shal: I am so sorry that your husband is not able to see the dysfunction, but I am not surprised. Those closest to the N have been deceived for so many years that they think the N’s behavior is normal. Yes, I would come up with avoidance techniques as well to stay as far away from my father-in-law if he was an N.
God bless you – thank you for commenting.
ES
My empty shell of an N husband has hazel eyes. He once leaned into my face in a sinister fashion as we sat at a bar arguing. His eyes turned black as he said, “I know you better than you know yourself!” Talk about projection!
Kerstin: I’m sorry you had to experience that with the N. If you have not already, I hope you will be able to make him a part of your past.
In Reply to Kerstin – a previous comment
OMG!
The exact same thing happened to me, in a restaurant no less. Leaned right into my face and said the same words, didn’t realize it at the time, but you’re right. Projection to the extreme.
In reply to a previous post by Chelle Belle:
I am reminded of what I was told by the N in such a martyered self righteous tone – “I believed in you but you just couldn’t believe in yourself”. Where do these men come from? And another one – “I am merely a reflection of how I am treated by you”. In other words no responsibility at all for his behavior or violence.
I am SOOOO glad he has been gone and there are restraining orders in place since November of 2011.
If anyone has advice for the divorce hearing and the criminal sentencing (Yah – he pled guilty) I would very much appreciate that. I am trying to make a statement for court that is truthful but not emotional (very difficult after almost 7 years of, as I so fondly call it, The Marriage From HELL.
Thank you to all for your honest sharing. I had never heard of gaslighting or NPD but now I feel I am am expert!
Tink: The only advice I could give you at the divorce proceedings would be for wearing professional office attire and as for your statement – truthful as you said. If you have to rewrite it several times to remove the emotional side of it – you hopefully have time to do so. Ask your attorney his/her advice too.
All the best to you.
ES
That reminds me of the condescending statements I heard – “I believed in you but you didn’t believe in yourself”. No I was too busy watching every word and action in case the violence was provoked. Another was said in a martyred tone “I am merely a reflection of how I am treated”. Well that relieves him of all responsibility doesn’t it? And my very favorite “It is YOUR job to get along with me all the time”. What arrogant creatures from what ozone layer are these men from? Or just some scourges from the nether regions as they really don’t seem to be living, breathing human beings once you have figured them out.
Thank you all for your honest comment and disclosures. I had not heard of NPD or gaslighting until 2 months ago. My soon-to-be-ex was arrested Nov of 2011 and has pled guilty to assault. I am so relieved to be waking up from the 7 year Marriage from Hell and I am still alive!
Bless you Tink – I hope that all the court proceedings are smooth and drama free.
ES
I was fascinated by this post. My ex-N would stare at me. I ALWAYS felt extremely uncomfortable when he’d do that. He would just stare at me like he was trying to look into my soul. But there were no feelings in his eyes. I would ask him to stop and he’d ask me why and then get mad and pout sometimes b/c I asked him to stop. He’d always say he loved looking at me b/c I was so beautiful. I have a mirror I know I am attractive but I am no raving beauty. I am not so special that people can not take their eyes off me. Really. He’d do this quite frequently – even the last time we were together – he hugged me good-bye and stared into my eyes. Now I think he using some kind of mind control/hypnotizing – is that possible? I have always been confused why he did this and if anyone else ever involved with a N. ever had this done to them.
Dear Dixie: The N would do this to me. It’s so weird that I’ve never posted about it. I think he fancied himself some sort of mind control guru…Sometime I think that he thought he was a cross between a super hero and a evil villian. Although it is really hard to even imagine WHAT the N is thinking. The stare thing – makes me think now of Nate Haskell (CSI serial killer psychopath)
So to answer your question – yes the N did do this, and I think it has its roots in the fact that he was a psychopath.
My N would do that, too! I would be sitting at the computer and he would just sit there staring at me and I noticed his breathing would get faster, also. I didn’t see love in his eyes, I just think he was trying to figure me out so he could know how to destroy me.
The eyes of my ex also changed color. I have known him for 25 years but only after we became a couple did the personality disorder begin to show. He has hazel eyes that would turn the color of black coffee. He also stared at me all the time and I hated it. He noticed every detail about me.
I have concluded that he is also a secondary psychopath. He has no fear, no conscience, empathy, compassion, is promiscuous, (cheats with homely women). He can obsess/fret over his public image, (in love with his money and power) worry about a DUI or being involved with me (formerly family babysitter) is a pathological liar, cheated on his wife throughout their marriage. She died and he established a trust in her name to give away millions to maintain the facade of the loving, loyal husband. He is using her even in her death. He referred to her as an effective business tool. He even does the psychopathic hand beats at times. I watched him being interviewed on t.v. once and though at the time did not know what I was looking at I was disturbed by his odd body language that did not look familiar to me.
We are not together anymore, it could never be. He was very important in my life, all those years, now I have to live with the pain and shock and anger of what I have discovered. This experience has been a violation of my soul and shaken my belief in everything I ever thought I knew about life.
I am sorry that others have known this horror but grateful to have been validated.
Michella: Your comment further validates me – I am glad that I was brave enough to write this post. I thought that I was the only one who had experienced this.
ES
“This experience has been a violation of my soul….” I couldn’t have put it better, Michella. That’s exactly how I feel.
Glad I broke down and wrote that post – so many people have connected with it.
Thanks M
ES
My ex N walked out on me after and the three kids after I took away his supply ( me) and started to get on with my life under his nose. One thing I noticed about him right away was that his eyes always turned black when he got upset, was about to get upset, or just didn’t like something that was going on. I am absolutely DEVASTATED that he up and left us ( in a dire time of need and support from him btw) and having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I am just taking things one day at a time, praying a lot and have already went No contact. He left some stuff and his cat here and used THAT as an excuse to blow up my email box. I gave the cat a good home and tossed his clothes and belongings on the road- sort of like he did to me and the kids. This is VERY hard to try to recover from! Very hard!
Audarah: It takes a long time to recover from the effects of being with an N. No contact is a good start. Thank you for giving the cat a home – N’s are very anti pet.
Oh boy! The ex N had the same eyes, usually when I said something he didn’t like (tried to challenge him or stand up for myself), but mainly when he found me “amusing” and was fake smiling at me. By “amusing”, I mean in a “silly, silly, pathetic MORTAL” kind of way…
I also noticed that his ENTIRE FACE had changed over time! At first, I thought it was my imagination, but when I look back at pictures from the beginning, middle and end of our “relationship”, he looks like he aged and became a frail old man, not a man in his 30’s! Seriously, gone was the handsome man- putting the pics side by side, I can see the progression- in the end, he even LOOKED like a different guy…
I thought I was imagining it all!
Fay: Yes it is true, Narcissists do not age well. I thankfully have not seen the N in eighteen months, but I can tell you that he was NOT photogentic and extremely overweight.
ES
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for a few years. At first she was very charming. We were introduced to each other by a friend at a party. Later in the evening, she was sitting across the room and every time I looked over, she was sitting there staring at me with a big beaming smile (only later did I find out that this was her “hook” – a part of the seduction). I have looked at photographs of her since I ended the relationship and noticed that her eyes are just hollow. She has a big, big smile – but the eyes are totally expressionless, soulless even. I had the unpleasant experience of her staring at me, willing me to do something that I didn’t want to, I could feel the muscles around my eyebrows twitching uncontrollably – it was very uncomfortable (I do not normally have a nervous tick but that was what it felt like). It was as though she was controlling me and had a power over me. I cannot say I ever saw her eyes turn black, but looking into them was like looking into a void – dead, expressionless eyes, like the eyes of a goat. It felt like being in a relationship with a vampire, draining me of my energy and self. It has almost been two years since I ended the relationship (she had dumped me again and again, cheated on me and broke my heart) and I still find it hard to trust someone enough to begin a new relationship.
I never knew about narcissism before. After the devastating effect that the relationship with the narcissist had on my life (depression, loss of self esteem/confidence, leaving my career) I read up a lot about it. I can see the warning signs/red flags that I was unaware of before.
Nowadays if I suspect that I am interacting with a narcissist I cut and run. I know how to listen to my instinct now. The eyes tell a lot.
No contact is the best way to recover from the abuse. It isn’t easy, but it gets easier.
PJ: Welcome. No Contact is the very best thing. Thank you for the validation that “they” do indeed have very strange eyes.
Amazing! I was wondering what it was about N’s eyes that bothered me so much. I met him on an online dating site. His photographs showed a man with lovely deep blue eyes. I’m talking gorgeous.
When I met him, I immediately realized his photos were at least 5 years old, but hey – I understood that. Vanity and all. (hit me with the idiot bat). He looked like the same guy, just heavier and with more gray hair – and different eyes.
Then I noticed that his eyes would shift from light blue to dark blue depending upon his mood. If he was nervous, or wasn’t certain how his “mirror” would react to something, his eyes would go very light blue – so pale as to be glacier-blue. As soon as he would get the affirmation he wanted, his eyes would turn that lovely deep blue again.
Chemical reactions?
People often ask me what color my eyes are. They’re hazel. Depending upon what I’m wearing, they can look deep olive green or golden brown (my friend says they look like Edward Cullen’s eyes just after he’s fed – um – okay). If I’ve been crying, they look green, because of the red rims around my eyes. But I’ve never been told they change color according to my mood.
Hmmm. This is interesting…
Yes it is. It is also very creepy. I’ve watched enough horror movies to know that the psychopath with the axe – his eyes aren’t all twinkling and happy – they’re shark black…..
ES
I think I met the same narcicist online. Old pic, lied about age, but even so he was a very handsome older man (62) versus the 57 he claimed in his profile.
I was played big time …. Lavish gifts, proclamations and just as quickly a soulless aging vile man surfaced…. Of course… He tried successfully to get a second chance….I gave.
Need it of the doubt…. It was out of a psychotic thriller his soul less ways.
Joy: I hope you’ve been able to move on in your recovery.
ES
I left N half a year ago and I’m still scared to have eye contact with him. He used to stare at me in the beginning and I had this strange feeling about it, I thought maybe he didn’t notice he was staring.
Now I know he does this on purpose, to intimidate. It’s the look of a predator fixing his prey. He takes his glasses off, so he can make eye contact, he used to call it ‘having eyeball contact’.
After a while he would look at me with a reptilian gaze while he scanned me if I believed his lies or when he had succeeded to make me cry. I quit when I saw he really enjoyed making me feel sad. At first you can’t image people like that exist, but they do.
I also had this moment that his facial expression changed in a mask in a split second, very scary!
I’m in NC while I can’t avoid to see him at least two times a week. It’s hard. He stalks on me in a very subtle way, I have to avoid eye contact, body contact, he tries to talk to me, anything to make him feel in control again. He is too old to have easy new supply, so he keeps trying. He sits there, behind my back, staring at me, without his glasses on, hoping I’ll turn around.
He loved me, he said, but he treated me like a whore. There was a great gap between his words and his deeds.
He cheated on his wife his whole life and didn’t feel any remorse. He told me things I was so shocked about. I never met anybody so cruel, so without any morals. And he could be friends with DSK, very succesfull in life, he promised me heaven and gave me a year of hell. Thankfully I escaped in time, he nearly killed me. Now I get back to my senses and realize I was brainwashed, manipulated in doing things I normally wouldn’t think of.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I still learn everyday. The most difficult part is accepting that you loved an animal, a beast. I can now look at him, thinking ‘how on earth could I have loved this man’. he didn’t deserve me, he didn’t deserve all the woman he discarded when he had enough of them. Let alone the wife, who thinks she is losing her mind, while he is manipulating her, lying and cheating. It’s a very sad story that these men get away with it.
But I also learned a lot. To avoid these kind of people, to avoid being hurt by them, to recognize them in time. To choose for warmth and love and avoid pain and sadism.
Mrs. Z. – Welcome, thank you for commenting. I am so sorry that you still have to be in the same room with the N twice a week. There’s a past post “Does a Narcissist truly forget you?” I think it was, that you might want to read. I’ve avoided the N’s glare by wearing dark sunglasses. Thank you Foster Grants…
ES
Hey Elisse –
I’ve checked in on this blog for about two months now, and wanted to share about my halfway-N (I don’t think I could diagnose him completely, but some of the stuff on the blog sounds way too familiar) – but with regards to his eyes, they’re blue, which normally I’d go for, but I’ve realized they’re kinda watery, almost fishlike to use the descriptions above. When he smiles, there’s a small bit of warmth maybe, but the smiling is so rare that he seems either unattached or pissed off most of the time.
Yes, I don’t contact him, yes I try to avoid him, I’ve just realized after reading your work that it likely goes deeper than him just being an asshole. I may share more details at some point, but for now, the main thing I’m thinking of is the eyes.
Hi M3rry: I know some people call checking in at someone’s blog without commenting “blog stalking.” 😉 😉 😉
I don’t.
I call it being so overwhelmed by what you’ve just gone thru – that one cannot summon the strength to share. I think some people are afraid that they just won’t be able to stop – or worse that somehow they will slip and mention “their” N’s name. Someone did do that once and I was quick to edit it out.
I was concerned when I released this post on N eyes – thinking that people would think I was crazy. Come to find out many other people had experienced the same thing.
I love your line where you say “it likely goes deeper than him just being an asshole.” LOL
I am glad that I swallowed my coffee first before I got to that part.
I am sitting here in the quiet thinking that could be a line on the cover of a pretty greeting card…Don’t surprised if you see that here one day…Perhaps a pretty sunrise and the words “it likely goes deeper than him just being an asshole…” It would be blank on the inside to write a personal note. Thanks for reading here M3rry – I enjoyed hearing from you.
Hey again – the possibility of the name slippage is why I’m using a pseudonym, my friends proper know what my handle is/is short for, but the N knows not my Twitter or my Youtube. I mean I don’t think he’d come looking on this site anyway, but you never know.
It’s true – You can’t put anything past an N. I blocked the N (and his “frieNds”) from email, FB….
ES
You are describing something Dr. Hare called THE REPTILIAN GAZE (he coined it to term the psychopath’s stare)
Thanks Barbara. How appropriate is that?! I just visualized the N in my head in a “spilt screen” with a Komodo dragon…yep, that’s him.
Here is the quote:
In the book “Violent Attachments’, women and men have noted the particular stare of the psychopath – it is an intense, relentless gaze that seems to preclude his destruction of his victim or target. Women, in particular, have reported this stare, which is related to the “predatorial” (reptilian) gaze; it is as if the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of “being eaten.” They tend to invade peoples’ space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.)
ES
Thank you for this information! My friend is dating a BPD whose dark brown eyes turn black and cold. My ex-N’s eyes were blue and twinkly when in a good mood, and absolutely cold and sterile with pinpoints for pupils when his narcissism flared up. We talk about the eye phenomenon a lot.
Thanks – it is very creepy.
ES
If the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of “being eaten.” They tend to invade peoples’ space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.)
I now see that I confused this to mean he had an intense sexual prowess… Now, I fully understand he was just psychotic.
Thank you for your input, Abell.
ES
My ex N’s eyes always had this awful glazed black marble look to them as well, when he was having his fits of rage… and he had THE GLARE – I’m sure you all know the one. Horrible. Mostly it was like he was dead behind the eyes.
Justagirl: Sadly yes, I know exactly what you mean by the color change when he would rage…which was often /daily toward the end.
ES
The Reptilian Stare – yes… this is the one!
I can remember times when he would just stare, this awful horrible stare at me – as if he wanted to obliterate me with his eyes… like every ounce of hate he had ever felt in his life could penetrate me and burn me alive.
It is just so strange how they have SO much intense hate for us, the very people that love(D) them.
Sometimes, I think – hearing stories about other N’s too, that maybe they think they are Super Villians?
Perhaps they are even torn between being a Super Hero / alter ego evil villian.
Maybe they think that their “Stare” is their “Superpower.” They despise being loved.
ES
Yes, they can be killers. My ex N bragged about killing a neighbor’s dog because it barked too much and “they didn’t deserve to have a pet”. I am terrified of my soon-to-be-ex and thankful for a good attorney, therapy and because of his being arrested for battery, no contact. I didn’t even know the term “gaslighting” but I knew things were not as he said and had my sister to tell me the truth of what he was doing to me. Sometimes I feel like I won’t survive but I will try my best to come out of this situation.
The eyes are scary. I tried to explain them to a couple of people who had experience with the same types and they understand also.
Dear Tink: So sorry to hear about how horrible your XN is. The N I knew hated animals and frequently made very vile comments about harming them.
When I wrote the post on the N’s eyes I thought people were not going to believe what I witnessed when he would rage. Surprise – so many others had the same experience.
ES
My ex N had a left eye that changed way before he was gonna kick off on me. I remember telling him once about it and then he began sort of winking at me being funny, I said to him “Nahhhhhh, it happens on its own, you don’t need to force it.” I still have pics on an old phone before I even found this site and when a look at him I can see the eye. It is horrible – makes me feel sick.
Dear Blue:
It is totally freaky to see in action. Almost like when you look out over a Kansas sky and see a tornado coming. Comparing an N to a tornado does seem fitting.
ES
Interesting to read all these posts.
Mine N was a bit different. Initially, when we first started dating, he would say “I can’t keep my eyes off of you” and he would even turn his chair at a restaurant or bar to be directly facing me.
As time went on, and he began to have rages, I noticed the opposite. He never looked at me at all. His eyes instead would fixate on the wall or somewhere away from. It was just as odd as what some of you describe as the dead stare. I can tell you it felt very abnormal (I mean in addition to the psychotic screaming and verbal attacks.) If I asked him what he was looking at and why he couldn’t look at me when he was yelling, he would get even more enraged.
They are a strange lot – these N’s. Just when we think that they’ve all been trained at the same alma mater, one will have a quirk that the rest of them don’t share.
Doesn’t matter where he’s looking however, at you or a wall – the rage is still the same and the best solution is to RUN like HELL in the other direction as fast as your legs can carry you.
ES
Dear Blog Friends
This happened so very quickly even though the last 2 years I knew something would explode and I just tried to be strong enough to handle it. So now it has been 5 months of blessed peace without the horrific constant degradation and abuse. The last month I am feeling so very much stronger and at peace and not frightened that he will come in the middle of the night. And I have been able to sleep! What a surprise since one of his games was sleep deprivation games – like coming in to take a shower at 3:00 a.m. but insisting he was quiet and did not wake me.
Another good one was when he was all excited about having me watch this video – it turned out to be a Muslim man explaining “How and why to beat your wife”. He was very amused to force me to watch it.
As I wrote in my divorce deposition, he was a very dangerous creature and every day for 3 years I reminded myself – he would kill me if he could get away with it because I am that much of a hindrance and an obstacle to him. Serious NPD creatures are not to mess around with or underestimate – they have NO empathy, compassion or interest in another human being. Please all of you take care.
Tink: & you as well. Let us know how everything goes for you at court.
ES
I don’t know about the color change. Our NPD parents (yes, both of them) didn’t seem to have that trait. Or we just didn’t look hard enough. I don’t look them in their eyes, I feel like my soul will be sucked out. I always focus on some other part of their dead faces when I have to look in their general direction. So disgusting. The warmth you feel when you lock eyes with real people… it’s not there. The things they did to my sister as me… We’re planning to leave without notice, change our names, move to another town and eventually to another country. I fear for our lives. We may be still broken, we may have given over two decades of our lives to them, but we deserve to be happy. If you suspect children are placed in the “care” of N’s, rescue them at all costs. The one thing that kept me human was my sister, and the one thing that kept my sister human was me. N parents are extremely dangerous. They will do unspeakable things to the bodies and minds of their children.
Rape.
Torture.
Murder.
If an N thinks “hey, rape/murder sounds kinda fun” and convinces themselves they can get away with it, they WILL do those things. An alcoholic N will lose all inhibitions and become a GOD that can smite you to dust. There’s no remorse, ever. They don’t have the capacity for it. There is nothing there to block the criminal urge other than fear for their own safety/self image preservation.
Once we’re free, my sister and I will be stronger than most people. We have lifelong experience of how an N operates. So many visual cues. The way they talk, the way they walk, that dead stare, the impossibly creepy/repulsive fake smile, the complete inability to simulate complex emotions on the spot. The non-human aura of an ego-fueled machine. Those can’t be any different from country to country. I curse nature for allowing N’s to exist, and I thank it for making them so easy to tell from real people. I just love how N’s can’t even tell when another “person” is an N. That was kinda mean, but I don’t think an N reading this will be hurt in any real way. I’m just a thing that can produce speech from an N’s viewpoint.
And there are so many ways to break an N. N’s… keep secrets. Hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of nasty secrets. If an N is blackmailed with a secret that could shatter their outwards image, they will turn into putty in your hands. Learn your N well before engaging in the practice and make sure you’re safe. Doing things to inflate their self-image in advance might make the strategy even more effective. And don’t feel guilt. If you somehow manage to completely destroy their perfect self-image, they might seek therapy and start turning human… or create a new perfect self-image to suit their N needs. An N will find ways to be equally “happy”, whether a successful CEO or a lifer.
The things N’s did to you, you don’t have to forgive them. There’s nobody in there for you to forgive. You wouldn’t feel the need to forgive an earthquake, would you? Or a flood. Those are things that just happen, and so are N’s. Just keep yourself and your loved ones safe and forget the N ever existed… unless you suspect they’re out there ruining even more lives. I won’t tell you how to approach that situation, that is your choice. Do what you feel is best for everyone.
Gah, I’m sorry for the rant, it just kept pouring out.
Leon: Gah! what an excellent comment. That was not a rant, when thoughts and words just flow out so eloquently that is not a rant, that is wisdom. Thank you so much for commenting. You and your sister have been through Hell. I hope that you will be able to escape and soon.
Blessings to you.
Elisse
There is only one way I can describe the peculiar stare of my exN (whenever he plunged into his “tormented-phase”): totally transfixed!
Soooooo creeepy!!!!!! It was like his mind was leaving his body to go someplace we’ll never know… it’s like he took off (in his mind) and I could NOT SEE anyone beyond the corporeal body while he was like that! I could have knocked and asked “anybody home”? and ET would have probably answered! 😀 So scary!
Totally opposite was the face he pulled in the romance-peak of our relationship, that was his actorial masterpiece: Bambi eyes, to get my sympathy, and catch my empathy vibe … whenever he wanted something from me! 😀
Anyway … the worst I saw (of the cold transfixed state of his) was in the final phase of our relationship, shortly before he abruptly (and cruelly) dumped me! … coincidentally?! 😀 Really … there must be something REALLY wrong in these people! There is something amiss, really! They are CRAZY and heartless, totally!
Yes, I have two words for what they are – “mentally ill” or if you prefer “mentally disabled.”
There is no amount of medication that can “fix” them.
ES
My ex N eyes changed from light hazel to dark brown, almost black. How weird???
Really not weird at all –
I have been told by those who deal with psychopaths and the like in mental hospitals / prisons that
they have seen this too among the inmates.
Adds to the gratitude of being NC and safely away from the manic.
ES
Her eyes were the blackest fury when I was trying to explain how I had felt since my mother died. We were meeting a full month after I had returned from the funeral to a date that she had postponed once and then abruptly cancelled followed by her being forty-five minutes late. She had told me she was here for me but it was all bunk. I’ll never forget those eyes from where I was sitting I actually saw what looked like flames reflected in them. All for wanting to explain that I was in an extended sense of emotional vertigo since Mom died. Little did I know what a large part that narc had to do with it. Since then I have seen pictures of her and almost all are taken through the lenses of a mirror and I see a reptile in there for sure. I went for no contact since March 2011 then I noticed a change in my Facebook contacts a little over a month ago she had added several of mine to her list. I cleared about seventy five people since then who also knew her. Looking back over that five years it was in the first one that she was ever seemingly kind to me but in reality it was all manipulation. She would show up out of nowhere leaving me to recall what it was that I said or did for such silent treatments. Even something as little as don’t text me so late at night would get like ten months silent treatment. Thank God we were never intimate. But mistaking her attraction for being human when I was just supply to her. I was always thought I was smarter than that.
DJC: Don’t beat yourself up over being taken in by a Narcissist. It has happened to the best of us.
And actually the best of us is what the N saw and decided to take from us.
Don’t let her take anymore of you by consuming your thoughts.
Blocking her from FB was a good idea.
ES
Terrifying. My NPD had navy blue eyes. Dark dark blue. When he was angry they were cold steely grey. But in divorce court they turned coal black. Sent an icy chill down my spine. I too thought it was not possible but I saw it.
Dear Lee: Yes, the cold hard stare of the N is scarier than any Stephen King novel.
I hope you have been able to put him behind you.
ES
My ex N had small brown eyes, but when he would rage they would turn pitch black and you could barely see the white in his eyes. In prison, he told me that he was called “ojos de pulga” or “flea eyes” by the other inmates. His eyes reminded me more of cockroach eyes though!
I remember one time my N’s friend insulted me and I looked down and fought back tears and my N didn’t defend me. Instead, N stared me down for 10 very awkward minutes, in total silence, while I kept my head down waiting for him to console me. He never did. Finally, I looked up to see what he was doing just staring at me and the look in his eyes shocked me. His eyes were pitch black and I saw GLEE in his eyes at the sight of my pain! His breathing had even gotten quicker, like he was really turned on! He denied it, of course, and said that he was just about to defend me, then his eyes turned normal again but I know what I saw. That stare had been pure EVIL. I thought stuff like that only existed in horror movies! That’s when I knew he didn’t love me, he HATED me.
Dear Vanessa: It saddens me to hear about the abuse you suffered from the x n and his friend.
I hope that you have “put him in your rear view mirror” and that you are miles away from him physically and emotionally. Taking 10 minutes to come to your defense? Yeah, no. Not normal.
Please pardon me for pointing this out – but I think your First rule of thumb for the next relationship – A HUGE waving RED flag for NOOOOOO – would be – “don’t have a relationship with someone who has been in prison.”
ES
You are right. I thought he could change. He had been in prison for non-violent crimes and he blamed it all on his drinking. I thought that I could help him remain sober but the truth was he never really intended on quitting drinking. After finally realizing what a foul, evil man he is though, my love for him is gone so yes, I have gone very far away from him and I have no contact with him whatsoever 🙂
Thank you for such a great page by the way! 🙂
You’re welcome Vanessa.
Glad to hear that you have put distance between yourself and the N.
No Contact is a wonderful thing.
ES
This is just an update: My ex just got out of prison and he went looking for our mutual friends to get info about me.He already manipulated a friend of ours and convinced him that he’s changed and got him to call me while I know my ex was listening. I acted totally happy which I know must have pissed off my ex. I’m not hanging around that friend anymore so I won’t run into the ex but he’s going to be really sorry when my ex destroys his life. My ex needs a new victim now that I’m gone. He tried sleeping with our friend’s girlfriend, breaking him up with her, got him jumped for something he didn’t do, stole from him and made him lose his job just a year ago but he says he’s changed.
I don’t remember his eyes changing color, I do remember the look of disgust in them when he was blaming me for things. His left eye turned out slightly, too.
What I remember most is his ability to fall asleep so quickly, even when he wasn’t drunk. He’d just get into bed and be snoring within a minute whilst I was awake for ages. I bet this is because he really didn’t worry about much except himself and certainly not other people. I wonder if anyone else who had a partner who was a narcissist noticed their ability to fall asleep so quickly?
I don’t know if that has anything to do with Narcissism. My husband works hard, he is a wonderful father and husband. When he goes to bed to sleep, he can fall asleep quickly, one because he has worked hard all day and two because he has a clear conscious…that he has treated people respectfully all day.
Elisse
Ruth, yes. My husband can get into bed and be sound asleep in under a minute. I realize now it’s because he has no conscience. Everything is about him. There’s not much for him to think about at the end of the day since his entire life revolves around sitting on the couch, drinking beer, smoking pot, and criticizing other people.
Hmm – maybe it is the drugs and alcohol that helps him fall asleep fast?
I understand from more drug assemblies than I can count, that pot destroys brain cells.
ES
My ex N same thing. I think it’s exhausting for them to remain hypervigilent for long periods of time and devising plans to harm others and/or stay in control of everyone around them. Once they’ve conquered there’s no guilt or shame to keep them awake so they collapse from a long day of manipulating. My ex N I noticed in the first few months the eye color change. They turned black. I told him so and he was surprised by it but seemed proud and laughed about it and would ask me is it happening? Are they turning black? After so long you just learn the change without even looking. Your body FEELS when a rage or devalue and discard is coming. They can keep the tension up for days. They thrive on it. Often towards the end I think he knew me so well he was smug and quite satisfied with himself by his hurtful games. Eyes still black. You feel their auras change. Your body reacts and it’s not healthy. Stay away! At first NC seems like the end of the world but KEEP vigilant. Reading these types of posts will help you to understand what dangerous individuals they can be. And always be aware of their presence. You have to protect yourself. All Ns will remember you and can reappear out of nowhere even decades later. I don’t mean to scare you all even more than you are probably already feeling but at the same time you have to make sure your cognizant of the dangers. Healing is oh so beautiful! Hugs!
Yes! My N is snoring as soon as he hits the pillow. I always found it bizarre, because he has ADHD (not medicated) and should be bouncing off the walls like he is when awake. This makes sense though. They only care about themselves. Must be such a simple life.
Wow, yes to both. My NH of 7 years has the same magical abilities that you described here regarding falling into a deep slumber in an instant, and eyes changing depending on his mood.
When it comes to sleep, my NH is so odd. He could have just ripped my heart out (again), and we could have had a major blow out to the point where I am traumatized, sobbing and unable to picture myself carrying on with life, but meanwhile I can hear him snoring the night away the moment his head hits the pillow. Similarly, if we are making up after a fight, I can be mid sentence saying something important, and he’ll fall asleep every single time. So cold.
So the eyes, oh the eyes! Before I even knew what a narcissist was (I only recently figured it all out this year), I had known that there was something very wrong with my husband’s eyes. When we were dating, he had large puppy-dog eyes, very soft and kind looking. But sometimes his eyes had a very intense gaze; I thought it was just because he was really into me. Then post wedding (literally not even back from the honeymoon yet), a coldness set in. A look of constant disappointment, and a lack of joy and love for me. He would rage A LOT, and when he did, he would grit his teeth, and go into an absolute frenzy. He would shout obscenities, make threats, pound his fists (if not at walls/tables, at me!) and his dark brown eyes would glaze over. He looked possessed, and his eyes would turn even darker and would bulge out to the point that they looked like they were about to pop out of his head. Very scary eyes. I learned that when his eyes looked like that, it was always better to not say even one more word to him (not to defend myself, not to try and him – nothing!) Eventually, he’d come around and his eyes would look ‘normal’ again…and the soft puppy eyes would come back. But in our current state (I believe I am very close to being discarded), I never see those puppy eyes anymore. They are constantly cold and blank to me – full of disgust. His face looks permanently harsh to me now. His face looks really mean!
Someone talked about their partner’s look of pleasure, as seen through his eyes/gaze, when she was experiencing profound pain. I have been there many times, and man is there no worse feeling then that. For me it is when he hits me, I feel devastated, but I see his face, and it is never remorseful. He has a look of satisfaction (like he just did something right and good by punching me).
Then there is the ‘reptilian gaze’ that was discussed before – another look I know. That one he saves for mainly for my mom. It is not enough to just despise me, but he also has to be cruel to my FOO…my mom who is nothing but loving, helpful and accommodating….all to a SIL who treats her like garbage. She can be asked to come and babysit our little kids, she can run around like a workhorse to try to take the best care of them and even help us keep on top of the house/cooking, etc., and instead of a simple thanks, there my husband is watching with disgust, her every move, her every breath. And he is locked in that evil stare for so long. How many times, I’d say something like “Hey, all good over there….what’s happening now?” What the heck get’s into his disturbed mind?
I went and found myself a heartless man 😦 Me, the forever hopeless romantic…a man who clearly does not feel a shred of love for me. And I am stuck. I know I sound like someone who feels very sorry for herself, but I am at a point in my life, where I am lamenting something I never really got to experience. I never got to experience feeling loved by a man. This can’t be love!
I can only hope that someday you will free of this abuse.
ES
Yes! Before I even knew what a narcissist was, my husband’s crazy eyes were always something that would leave me numb (because I would realize something was off with him). In our dating/engagement days, he had large soft puppy dog eyes…they looked kind. Every so often they would go dull and vacant (when he was analysing/judging others), but towards me, usually very soft. Fast forward to marriage, the rages started…and often. He would grit his teeth, and his eyes would darken and glaze over (they would become super glossy) and would grow really large, like they were going to pop out of his head. He literally looked possessed, and OMG was he ever scary looking. And yes, when his eyes would look like that, scary things were happening or about to happen (he hit me, broke my things, said the most cruel things, etc.) and his intention is destroy/traumatize me at that moment.
Interestingly, he knows he can have scary eyes. He used to do it as a joke to scare our young nephews. A toned down version, just a serious/unpleasant look…..and they’d all freak out. But with me, I still question if is a intimidation tactic, or if he just cannot help but make that face. When he becomes enraged, he literally looks like he cannot hold it in. He will throw his fists round, pound the walls (or me), chase me – he cannot seem to contain it.
Re. the reptilian gaze – I know this one too. I do receive it often, but he saves this one mainly for my mom. She’ll be asked to babysit our kids, then when she does (a she puts every ounce of love and care into it), when he is around her for even a moment, he watches her every move/breath, with that evil stare. He just watches and watches…doesn’t matter who is around. And I will even call him out, and say “hey, everything alright over there…what’s up?” Oh he is horrible. What a mean-spirited person.
I am still married to him (please don’t ask why – that is for another forum, but the short answer is FEAR). And today, as I believe I am in the discard phase, and he hates me with his whole heart, I never even occasionally see the soft puppy dog eyes anymore. He does not have pleasant, kind eyes anymore EVER. Those were a distant memory for me….long gone. Now, his face just permanently looks mean, unwelcoming, and unfriendly. Just like what I’ve come to realize was inside all along.
God bless you every body. Wish you all good strength to heal and carry on.
And to you. May the Lord protect you and keep you safe.
May He give you the courage and protection to escape when the time is right.
ES
I remember the painful nights in which he was sound asleep … while I was awake traumatised and unable to sleep rethinking the cruel abuse and humiliation and derision he had poured onto me all day long! Yes: Narcissists are cruel and uncaring and sadistic and mean!
However, strangely enough, …. my ex-narc was DEEPLY insomniac for a few months in the final phase of our relationship … I sensed he was suddenly pretty much agitated and restless … consequently: that was the worst period for me too (he was pouring it onto ME: I was being harshly devalued and humiliated and held responsible for all his “depression” i.e. “you depress me”), … and he pretty soon discarded me for good!
His insomniac period was really strange, apparently inexplicable, ‘specially because he is very rountinely-based … always goes to bed at the same time and always does the same things. But there again, I KNOW that there must be a lot of his personal history I never knew and never will know of … but I was astounded once when I stumbled in a photo (he hates pictures of himself or of people in general) in which he was visibly overweight … since he obsesses on his perfection and always criticizes others for being too fat (even people who are slim and fit!). So … who knows! Sometimes their psychological problems show physically too (weight-gain, insomnia … ).
And since there are many degrees (and subtypes) of narcissism … I sense that my ex-N must be the kind of narc that HAS (even if minimal and mostly unconscious) some kind of guilt and self-loathing somewhere INSIDE his soul … maybe the insomiac phase was a time in which he could no longer bottle up his multiplying strata of deeply constipated sense of being a piece of s…..! 😀 and the more he tried to keep the guilt bottled up (and blame me) and the more he was also physically unbalanced too!
Anyway … that’s only my interpretation.
Makes sense to me Kirsten.
Doctors say the inability to sleep is a symptom of medical and emotional issues.
I can’t comprehend how N’s are able to be so very nasty to people all day long and then be able to sleep like a baby.
Elisse
Kirsten mine had stomach problems (so he said) and insomnia too in the last year or so of our marriage. I thought back to all the times he was upstairs and I now think he was either sneaking out to see his NS or AIMing/texting her whilst I was downstairs. His insomnia was probably a sympton of his double life.
I still have to sleep in the bed where he screwed skanks BEFORE we were even married, lovely. Then he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore, so promptly moved in with her without me even knowing. Who does that? What type of prize a**e does that?! A narc! It is mind boggling, but I caught him out and now he is still denying where he is living. Umm, when my lawyer depositions him and asks his address, what’s he going to say?! He knows he could be in trouble (his reputation) and people will think badly but thinks he can wiggle out of it and portray himself as the victim of a cruel evil wife. OK!
His excuses for leaving were it was my fault, he had lost respect for me, etc. Yes all my fault! I was a terrible wife who gave up my life to join him in America. My fault he cheated before we were married when clearly he had no respect for me working my butt off and paying off his debt. Now I can’t bear to think about him too much. He is coming today to pick up his toys (DJ decks) and I’m taking the dog and getting out of there. Can’t bear to even be near him.
I understand and I am glad you are getting the dog.
ES
WOW, thank you all for your posts. This is my first and I am hoping someone out there can related to or speak to what I just experienced.
I am deep in the aftermath of a terrible break up and doing a ton of reading online on different N related websites and blogs. I started writing down all the weird things about my N to put together a list of “red flags” to watch out for in the future. One thing I had sort of dismissed as trivial really puzzled me and as a fluke I searched for “staring, pupils, and narcissists” (honestly what a weird thing to search for!!) And I ended up here and cannot believe how many of you experienced the same thing!!
I met my ‘attachment avoidant/narcissist’ on-line, I wrote him because of his lovely profile talking about how “he was a good man working towards great.” He had the kindest sweetest blue eyes, almost like you could see innocence behind the gaze, at least those were the photos he chose. How wrong I was. Yes, he swept me off my feet, led me to believe we had a future etc.. And yes, he did have the kindest most loving and innocent eyes, but only when he wanted something from me, during the courtship, seduction, idealization, introducing me to his friends and coworkers and parading me around like his prize. Those eyes changed drastically and so did the behavior and the way he treated me when the devaluation started.
My N’s eyes would get dark. I don’t know if it was the color or the mood if that makes sense? I was too freaked out to notice but I do remember thinking why are his eyes so dark?! Who is this person, where is my loving boyfriend?? It was more of a dead stare, like a shark, or someone trying to contain their disdain when just moments before they were smiling and loving me up like I was the most special thing in the world. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Like he was trying so hard not to say the most horrible thing he could think of to hurt me and somehow was doing me a favor by not saying it. Instead he would say something devaluing but in a calm quiet way, always mister perfect. He would also get that vacant stare, almost like he was disassociating and going into some other part of his mind. This he did when being cold, robotic, and mean but not aggressive. It’s one thing if someone is shouting horrible things at you, quite another when you are confronted with calm and unemotional verbal abuse. It’s terrifying.
I’m wondering if anyone noticed these other behaviors in their N? Mine would also stare during “normal” times, not in a scary way, but almost like there was constant evaluation going on but he would not share any of his thoughts or feelings. He had lovely bright blue eyes but never, not once, did his pupils change shape or dilate, always small and tight. I thought this was so strange, I’ve never seen that before. When we would kiss his eyes were ALWAYS open staring. When we were intimate, always open, always staring. As though he was watching a movie of his life instead of being in his life. Early on in the relationship, we were just laying in bed talking and he was staring and I asked him why are you looking at me like that? His response was, “I am trying to figure out who you are.” I said, well, “why don’t you just ask me questions like I ask you? That seems like the best way to learn about someone.” His response was, “it doesn’t work that way. I think it’s better to figure it out without words.”
Not only is that really weird and bizarre thing to say but talk about magical thinking! Like he has some super power to “see” who I was by staring at me? I think not, in retrospect all I see is how the N is searching to find themselves mirrored in your eyes. To see if they are getting that very specific validation response that they really need to feel.
Now after a horrible, sudden, and cruel break up (Read: coming home from a long trip during which he texted me everyday, brought me gifts, told me he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me, sang me love songs and danced around the living room with me, and was all over me when he returned. Told me “I was stuck with him” then broke up with me the VERY next day.) I now see that the Bambi eyed photos were just a lure and I fell for it. It seems we all know that awful cold feeling when the person who we think loves us and has our best interest at heart literally changes before our very eyes. It’s impossible to digest even though you are seeing it right there in front of you. What kind of person can do this??? These people can.
I really wonder if anyone out there has had a similar experience. I appreciate any information. Thank you.
Dear NB:
I understand what you are talking about. Although the N I “knew” was only ‘friend’s’ with me.
Yes, he stared, like he thought he was able to “glamour” me into doing what he wanted. Looking back I was never sure if he fancied himself a super hero / villian or a vampire. I now refer to him as the “wackadoodle.”
I hope that my blog readers will share their stories with you after your comment is approved.
ES
Yes. Yes. Yes.
We could have been dating the same man except their eyes are different colors. I was with my ex N for 5 years. I feel I wasted 5 years minus the healing you’re forced to do afterwards – which are some of the most beautiful moments I’ve ever experienced.
I was also shocked when I saw pics of him severely overweight. He talked a talk but nothing was real. Ever. Whirlwind romance that you suddenly realize has really been a hurricane all along. Hugs and congrats on your realization that you are a good person who did not deserve this psychological warfare.
Thank you for commenting
ES
I have done so much reading on NPD but this is the very first that I’ve heard someone comment on the eyes! My exN was exactly the same!! He had nice warm brown color when he was ‘happy’ but when irritated they turned jet black!! I could judge his disposition just by his eye color.
I’m very happy to report I am 8 mos NO contact today! Recovery has been hell to say the least but I’m sooo much more at peace in my life. I only struggle now with a horrible consuming hatred for him. I literally wish he would just die. I’m so not that kind of person and I have never in my life hated another person like this. It is not a good feeling but it beats the hurt and pain feeling.
I am curious if anyone has any thoughts on how Ns tend to self sabotage……like what are the lengths of time have your Ns been able to wear their “happy mask” before it becomes too exhausting and they destroy whatever good thing they have going?
Dear Lone: I can only speak for myself, but the N was able to keep the “happy mask” with me for about 9 – 12 months. It would often slip when he was talking about someone else but his anger wasn’t directed at me until about 15 months into the “FreiNdship.” Mind you, there were devalue comments from nearly the very beginning. I have no idea why I didn’t tell him off from the get go. Because when another adult makes a snide remark to me, I call them on it immediately.
ES
I have seen the black eye thing in my borderline mom and my x narcissist. The one thing I observed in him that I haven’t heard here yet, is that his eyes would go black and he would shake uncontrollably when we did things that excited him, like sex in a new place. It wasn’t just when he was mad. Has anyone seen that? And the trembling?
Whoa! I have not heard that before. Again, thankfully I was only frieNds with the N.
Maybe someone else will comment on that aspect.
That must have been a scary thing to see.
ES
I’ve been searching for people who have been through similar experiences.
I recently came out of a coma and had been engaged to Marco, a man who my therapist believes to be a sociopath. What is unique about this situation is, he seemed to do and say all the right things, portray all the right emotions at the right times. For awhile I had dulled myself to believe he actually loved me.
One time we were in my house, in the dark getting something from the kitchen, he grabs me and says “Sarah, I am death” I said, “Marco you’re talking crazy.” He said again, “No, I am death.” “Ok, ok” I said. He smiled and didn’t say a word. When this was happening, I could have sworn his eyes were all black but because of the darkness
I did not know.
About a year later, I was in a coma for 2 weeks, I woke up and Marco was the first to visit me. This time was it was unmistakable. Marco was standing there smiling at me with PITCH BLACK EYES. It looked like something out of a horror movie and he had that eerie smile on his face. I screamed and jumped back into the way telling him to get away from me. He wasn’t allowed to visit the hospital again.
Has anyone ever had a similar experience? I find it hard to believe I actually came face to face with death, the entity I don’t even believe that death is an actually entity but this is very weird.
What does everyone think?
Oh yeah, did I mention so called “Death” tried to kill us both in a car crash, totally randomly?
Sarah: I think you were involved with a psychopath. You don’t say how you came to be in a coma – I just hope to God that you have NO CONTACT with this SF now and that you are in serious counseling.
ES
The best way I can describe his eyes (the N’s) would be beady and glittering. They would get like this when describing how his ex had wronged him or when describing anyone who had pissed him off. They did seem to shrink and contract in anger and would flash light. It is off putting. I am still friends with him for practical reasons. And I play his game (to some degree) He thinks I still like him but I don’t. Well not in the sense of a true friend. I just keep him at arms length, like a poisonous snake or other predator.
Well – Whatever you have to do to survive being in their presence.
I still say if you can – then have No Contact.
That should have been my first huge red flag but somehow I blocked it out. I was with him for 2 years and thought wow, he’s really great with eye contact, really into what I have to say, so intense yet so uncomfortable….Then I just remembered recently that he was already doing that a decade ago when I had briefly dated him but we went our separate ways because we were in that single, partying mode BUT what makes me cringe now is that I remember the piercing eye contact back then. That he was always this way even BEFORE I met him.
I had dated other guys and yes, they looked into my eyes but my ex-narc stare made me feel something. Today I know that something was RUN FOR YOUR LIFE (Literally)!! He’s the same guy who looked into my eyes and told me with no emotion to die in labor. I have sole custody of daughter and the only minimal contact now is during supervised visitations. His eyes are a light blue but turn a very dark gray when enraged. They are pools of darkness.
So very scary. I am thankful that your child has minimal contact with a court appointed rep.
ES
I was only a kid and I saw my brothers’ blue eyes turn black. It didn’t scare me and I did not think about it until many years later after discovering Narcissism and NPD. My brother is a covert narcissist and has on at least 5 occasions tried to kill me, cowardly of course. These people are monsters and after reading these comments it is comforting to know that I am not the only one to witness this eye thing. My brother has at least 18 of the 20 traits of Malignant Narcissism and that they only get worse as they age is distressing. It is amazing how stupid these buffoons are and how they interpet human reactions to their bizarre behaviors or statements as permission or acceptance. Is it any wonder that these buffons think they are special when we ignore their assine doings. They interpet it as “I am special” when absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. Buffoons. no wonder the world is such a mess.
Agreed Murrary. I wish they would interpet it as “I am WEIRD” and just go away.
ES
The eye phenomenon you are all describing is a feature of the rage attacks common to a disorder called Adult Reactive Attachment Disorder. Their personality is much like a Narcisst except narcisssits will cultivate you and ARAD just won’t bother at all. They attract you then expect you to stay attracted and do all the work to keep the reationship going. But then there’s the nearcissitic behavior such as totally ignoring you, and lots and lots of sessions of Devalue and Discard. My ex N gaslighted me and the entire family, it’s still going on and I’m having a hard time getting the police to see it as the abuse that it is and stop it with no contact orders.
His rage attacks were awful. He left after a four day rage attack, eyes ecstatic with blackness, raged so loud I now have tinnitus. Never will I enjoy silence again. But at least he’s out of my life, just a few more pushes via the police and I might succeed in getting his ass extradited back to the USA. I already sent him a box of crayons for on the plane just like that psychotic Russian kid that got sent back when he tried and tried again, to kill his host family. Everyone picks on the mom who did it but I read up on that kid and that is how I found out what my husband was and where he got those black eyes and the anger fits and the antisocial personality that doesn’t know what intimacy is.
It was the marriage from hell and it lasted way too long and at the end of it he took all I had and my kids and my family away from me. His gaslighting campaign was super effective, I had mental health after me to get me forcibly committed, had to flee for my life.
Thank you for this page. The stories I have read have been great comfort.
So very sorry to hear this.
I hope that you will be able to recover your children and return to your family.
ES
Thank you ES — I am happy to report that today may have been the day that the truth starts pushing back on my family. Also the truth is hitting my ex, I had warned him and warned him but he plowed ahead (as usual when it comes to money), because he thought his gaslighting campaign would be so successful I’d be institutionalized. Nearly succeeded too except I had friends my ex didn’t know of, and by a miracle got a tax refund in my account so I could escape the situation. So I was alive and legally sane to do my divorce and how he has to pay and pay and he found out today all his appeals will be in vain and also he got saddled with ALL the household debt. Also he thought he could withhold payment until his appeal is decided, and had the right to re-negotiate the debt thing, but, he can’t, the law is so on my side and I love it. He has to get rid of his big fat car and although he makes lots of money, will be very poor indeed. His turn to spend nights awake worrying and crying and feel like killing himself. He owes me a tidy back sum already and if it’s not in my account next week they will start confiscating his paycheck. Love it.
Hooray! This is the best thing I’ve heard today. Thank you for sharing.
Happy to hear your good news!
ES
I am 64 and discovered Narcissism 10 years ago. My brother is a malignant Narcissist (covert). I had succeeded at doing something he couldn’t do. Kite flying…he was to heavy for the boat. My brother has blue eyes and when he looked at me they were black. This didn’t scare me or bother me. Knowing what I know about NPD I have no trouble at all believing that things that occurred during my life were not accidental. I have it at 6 x’s that he has tried to kill me. There is no question that they are evil, but the most disturbing aspect of these buffoons is how they think. No wonder the world is such a mess.
Murray:
Hi
I’ve removed your last name for your privacy. Thank you for further validating me that when the N is raging their eyes do indeed change color.
I hope that you are able to safely stay away from your sibling.
ES
Ah Ah – agree with everything you ladies say.
The eye’s tell it all – window’s to the soul.
In the last day’s of our marriage – when he has secured his another dupe.
He use to stare out of the window – even when watching television – in a kind of vacant disconnecting way, as though he was computing stuff in his stupid head. Then the dead-stare of a shark – can’nt put it any other way.
Watch the smirky smile also when they are getting away with another lie or cheating on you.
I used to say to him – oh sharky smile again. knowing he was tellin me another lie.
Complete and utter actors – to everyone – yep I’m the mad one, his other wife was the mad one – the future woman will be the mad one.
Never ending circle of the greedy bottom feeding shark.
They have no love, no humanity, just use people and move on, no consience because they have re-written history.
Sue: I remember the sharky smirk that the N had. He never really smiled – he smirked.
ES
OMG – Yes, Yes, Yes…..smirked and never smiled – never saw him completely smile unless he was with his beloved daughter….who had complete control over him. Otherwise a complete act….the eye’s were hollow too – and his weird sex – disgusting …….vile….dressing up in ladies underwear…….
Creeps me out thinking about it now. I just wanted to please him and love him.
Nah, nothing will please them – will cheat and lie as he did throughout our marriage…..and believe me they will do anything to get sexual gratifaction for their own needs.
Once the mask is off – watch out….they will smear you, lie to everyone about U and go to the utmost to destroy you.
You have to be strong to cope and believe it is hard…..he left me on my birthday 12 months ago – knew what he was doing because these people are so cruel…..like to leave a hall-mark to know you will remember them.
I have been looking all over the internet and didn’t realise that the smirks and shark’s eye’s are common to a pycho.
Thank goodness I am not mad and other people out there have had the same experience.
Dear Sue:
You know, on at least a weekly basis I am thankful that I was brave enough to to post my “Can you tell a Narcissist by their eyes?” I believed that no one would believe me when I said that his eyes changed color or dimensions. It was like something out of “X-Files” when I saw it happen.
This situation has made me not be the kind of “mom” who takes someone under their wing to nurture, protect and counsel except my own children. I am very standofish anymore meeting new people and they have to prove themself to me first before I let them in as a friend.
My “N-dar” is on “red alert” most of the time if not all the time. If someone comes on too strong, I immediately suspect them of having an “agenda.”
ES
ES
Thank you for your comments – didnn’t realise that so many women out there had the same experience as me with the eyes of a predator. My “Nar-dar” is on red-alert too.
Not into dating at all – the last 11 years of hell was enough for me.
Am 61 now and happy to to be single, without my life filled with the drama, cheating and weirdness – nearly drove me into the grave with his antics.
Don’t miss the sharky smirk when knew he was cheating – great to hear other ladies have experience this as well as me – thought I was imaging it.
Like you, I am quiet & standofish with new people – perhaps unfortunately being involved with a predator for so many years.
Busy repairing my self esteem and going through a divorce – which I know won’t be easy with “it” as he will make things difficult – loves money but never gave me any – Thankfully didnn’t have any children with him.
Didn’t think people like this existed –
Your website is a great help to other women in our position.
Thank you for your help.
Glad my blog has been of help to you.
ES
Yes you can… the eyes are a window to the soul. This phrase is not meant to be taken literally. You must think differently when this certain phrase is used.
Two people in my life I have seen with vacant eyes. One was my sibling (who I do not consider my sibling) who had eyes that reflected nothing in them. She is most certainly narcissistic. Whenever I looked her in the eyes, there was something off about them. I couldn’t describe it…if you have enough senses, you just feel it. Very charming person, social butterfly and magnificent at manipulating everyone around her. A huge energy drain.
The second person took me awhile to realize they had these same eyes. I did not see them a lot in real life, so this could be why. One day I had been meeting with my friend and we hung around. And then that is when I saw my friend’s eyes… It was the same feeling I got when I saw my sister’s eyes. Deep within me, I had a revelation. This friend of mine also had a very charming personality at first, but then turned out to be a self- pitying, moody energy drain disaster. Very narcissistic too (or had traits). Had no goals or motivation in life, much like my sibling.
These eyes are the eyes of those who have little to no aspirations, goals, no determination, no motivation. It is harsh I say this but, they are empty people. Please, if you ever meet these kinds, they are not for you. They are not for anyone. Do not think you can help them. They will take your energy and have it for themselves. They are never satisfied. You could rule the universe and they wouldn’t be satisfied.
You may feel sorry for them, but they only care about themselves. They ask from you, and they take from you. Rarely do they give… Thus this is their nature.
You are right on target.
We need to be aware and cautious not to repeat our history.
ES
Agree, My ex had the same exact empty holes as eyes.
Expressionless, even in the good times.
Watch for the evil smirk too.
Yuck
Sue
That evil smirk –
This is something that I hope to never ever see again.
All the best to you.
ES
My ex (probably a covert N) would frequently get this glazed over look in his eyes, as if no one was home. It’s like he wasn’t fully there. Sometimes I would joke and ask, “hey, where did you go?” This would happen during sex as well…ick!
I have nightmares about him every night still, and it’s been 6 months of no contact.. For a year, he treated me like a complete princess, knew everything about me, gave me gifts, loved me so well, said he would love me forever. We talked about having children and retiring together. I’d never been loved so well, but then he started to pull away and give me the silent treatment. He wouldn’t make plans for the future. Sometimes he’d get jealous or angry for no reason. I wanted to fix him so badly. Sometimes, I think I would see real joy in his eyes, and he was occasionally very good to me. But, then he would lie and lead me on. I’m still confused about what was real and what wasn’t, although the cognitive dissonance is getting better.
Near the end, we had an email exchange where he said he was incapable of loving me with his “whole heart, body and soul.”. He said I was the most real love of his life, but he was a broken man. It was all his ex’s fault and he had wasted a decade of life on her. He told me I was an incredible person and someday he would be ready to love me fully after he spent some time on his own. He said that I was better than him and deserved a better man.
A few days later, I contacted him and he said he was happy and dating someone else and didn’t want to hear from me again. The entire exchange was completely cold and devoid from emotion on his part. I think about it now and it’s almost as if I was at the end of a video game when the screen fades and it says “game over.” The coldness and switch was a huge shock. I’ve never heard from him since after a two year serious relationship. Most of the PTSD symptoms are subsiding, but I do not trust men now.
I’ve never been so blindsided in my life. But, there were red flags. And the eyes were one of them. My family (who had seen his pic on Facebook) commented on his sad and serious look. They didn’t see the vacantness in his eyes that I did, especially in our last encounters. Almost a fish-like reptilian emptiness. I wanted to believe there was something warm in there, and to this day, I don’t know if he is just a very hurt man or a malignant narc.
I have to begin by saying my eyes change color – sometimes blue, sometimes green. I promise, I am not an N 🙂 My ex, however, is a N jerk.
My ex-N always kissed me with his eyes open – it was peculiar. I’m not sure if his look was one of amusement (like “Aha, she’s another moron I’ve trapped”) or he was trying to be superior (?) Anyone else ever experience this?
Anyway, back to his eyes and face. I swear this man had 2 faces! There were times when I looked at him, I swore he looked evil. His face would be thin and his eyes nearly black and flat. There was something dark and sinister in his eyes/look. Other times, when he was smiling and “on”, he was handsome and had softer brown eyes. Though, in retrospect, I don’t know that his smile ever reached his eyes.
His eyes / features would sometimes be so scary and (dare I say) “ugly”. I’d shake my head and second guess myself. What was I doing with this evil looking man? Minutes later, he looked normal again and I thought I must have imagined it all.
The last time we were together, I remember thinking “this is it. We will never be together again.” The way he looked at me had changed. I knew he was using me one last time. A couple of days later he texted me to tell me he was going to start serious dating and what were my thoughts. Of course, we would “always be friends” because I was his “best friend”. Fast forward 2 months – didn’t hear from him for over a week then get a text message. I didn’t respond right away (I had “gotten a hold of myself” and “started living” as he suggested I do – ha!). Since my response took 2 days, he accused me of not wanting any contact and now refuses to respond to emails/texts from me. LOL
I kept a picture of him to remind me of what I’m not missing. When I start softening my memories toward him and think about contacting him, I look at the photo and gaze at the handsome face with the adorable dimples, kissable lips, and those cold, lifeless, brown eyes.
My eyes change color slightly too, depending on what color I am wearing – they do not however, change to lifeless, shark black.
Thank you for commenting. Good idea to save a photo of the N to remind you of what he wasn’t.
ES
I had innocently beat my brother at something that neither one of us had control over (water skiing with a kite, he was too heavy.) When he couldn’t get up he looked at me and his eyes were black (he has blue eyes.) My brother is a malignant covert narcissist and has at least 18 of the possible 20 traits. True buffoons. No wonder history keeps repeating itself.
Wow. It is like when very small children are getting along until one of them gets the cookie that is bigger. Now you know what to look out for.
ES
My mom is a narcissist and my dad has aspergers. I am so grateful that the aspergers overrode the narcissism. My mom’s eyes change color and turn jet black when she’s mad, and not only that her face has this subtle evil change to it. It’s very bizzare. Due to my aspergers I have an excellent memory, and this look has been fully burned into my brain. I can spot a narcissist without even talking to them. They all have that dead, cold, callous, and reptilian look to them. Disgusting.
Update…. believe it or not my ex was able to appeal the alimony decision, and he managed to win, I have lost it all, AND my family has helped him, AND, I found out, my case worker!
I am so shocked by all of this, I have had to get trauma help and am barely surviving. I’m seeing my lawyer Monday re: the case worker’s breach of trust, but no matter what I do, I have lost all my money and the situation with the family is even worse than it was.
On the bright side (?) I am doing better now, at least myself, the finances are and will be an irretrievable mess. I might get help with that though, making new friends, another good thing.
And above all, I no longer live in fear. That’s something. Reading through the above posts again, someone mentioned “sleep deprivation games” — so many things in the above were recognizable.
I swear I spent the first half year away, catching up on sleep, sometimes it still feels like that.
jetskesez:
I am sorry to hear that you lost your court battle.
It sounds like you have a good attitude and that will take you far in your recovery.
ES
I just found your blog…amazing! I have read so much about Narcissism.
I was involved with another woman. We went back and forth for nine months. I ended it each time. I caught her lying after two months. I wanted to be wrong about who she was. I was looking for proof that maybe..just maybe..I was wrong…but she is a narcissist, anti-social to a T!
Married five times, always the victim, lied all the time, I could go on. I fell in love with a fantasy. She carefully crafted her FB profile to look like this upscale, lovely woman. Taking a closer look, she had seven tattoos, the nightclub lifestyle, was a terrible mother (her daughter weighs over 200 lbs is full of piercings, her son a pot-head..both kids doing terrible in school.)
She was a real beauty, on the outside. I asked her if she ever had facial work (She is in her 50’s.) She said no.
I saw the scars behind her ears one night…another shocker. I really bonded with her false image. I am NC now..it is very confusing…all the emotions.
Thank you for your blog Elisse.
I will follow you. I am sure you are helping many people.
Dear Astrid:
I am glad that my blog has been a help to you. I am sorry that you’ve been through this experience with an N. Keep with No Contact, it is the very best thing – EVER.
ELisse Stuart
Hi Elisse!!!
I’ve noticed eye color change-but not directly as you had. The thought of dark black eye color brings too many spiritually induced concerns to mind-for YOUR well being. My guy’s eyes changed from dk brown to a copper gold-spiritually suggesting additional magical dabblings. These colors are NOT human eye colors-and outside of your scientific curiosities-you seriously need to recall HOW you physically felt after he departs your company-AND not ignore your gut warning you. These people have the uncanny, innate abilities to harm a person on many psychological levels-let alone physical ones. Women need to pay more attention to their guts and awareness. It takes YEARS of therapy to heal and distance yourself after contact w/ these afflicted, earth interpreted Evil people. Don’t become a statistic-get away-stay away-and seek help.
Hi Mia:
I agree that women and men need to pay attention to their gut when dealing with someone who they want to believe is great but can’t get past the overwhelming feeling that all is not what it seems.
ES
This talk of changing eye colour really validates my thoughts.
My ex has large brown eyes. Other people always comment on how lovely they are. However, whenever I looked closely they were definitely a coppery yellow colour, which I couldn’t explain. They scared me but I didn’t understand why I saw them differently.
I have 10 years of evil to recover from, and am struggling to find anybody who will believe that my ex isn’t the charmer he appears to be.
Sophy
Sophy: I believe you. As I said in my post, when the N I knew raged, his eyes turned black. He could be “Mr. Professional” when he wanted to be.
What a scum he was.
ES
This is absolutely unreal to read, so true! I always always told people his eyes were as black and hollow as shark’s eyes – that’s exactly what they looked like. At the start I never saw them to be unattractive, but when his evil began, his eyes reflected the kind of evil N he was. Looking back 2 years later, what strikes me most is the black of his eyes.
Two years of no contact and I am so well healed. I hope everyone understands that with no contact, there is a way out of the black hole into a bright, loving life.
I miss the fairy tale image I believed him to be & I know he tries hard to pretend to have changed so that I return to the snake pit. But I will Never fall for it, as magnetizing as it could be, not after all of this healing. It feels sooo great to return to Me again.
Dear Melissa: Thank you for sharing. As I said before, I really hesitated about posting how I saw the N’s eyes – Now of course, I cam glad that I did because it is a quality that many of them seem to have.
p.s. I’ve removed your last name for privacy sake.
ES
OMG.
Glazed Black eyes so true! I could feel and sense evil the very next day after I met him, almost three months ago. Actually, the night before, I had closed my eyes for a moment, I saw devil eyes (red). Then dismissed it. I admit I had that gut instinct/intuition that something was not right. But my problem is when I sense something is wrong, I go after it to figure it out. I have never dealt with a N before. I’m in some scary times right now. The last month has been so friggen crazy.
This is helping me though.
Thank You.
Dear I’ma:
I’m glad I’ve been of help to you.
ES
I dated a Narcissistic person for 7 years and on a few occasions I witnessed his Blue eyes Change to a cold hollow look when he was angry. It is a cold and piercing feeling. Whenever I looked into his eyes, it stopped me dead in my tracks. It gave me a creepy feeling. A definite RED FLAG to pay attention to.
I’ve seen three different looks, all in the same person: 1) the one that mirrors you perfectly and makes you feel so good and special, 2) the hollow one with absolutely no emotion – especially in response to emotion in you, and 3) the predatory stare. In the last one, the eyes turned from their usual gray to black and glittering – such a shock and was prelude to D&D. Another time I got the hollow eyes was when meeting with him after several months apart (and months before DD). I could be wrong but my feeling was that he had to see me in order to scan his brain to find the persona he used for me.
I am now NC.
Dear Keepingsafe: Glad you are NC. When those eyes turn from a “normal” color to total black, I can’t help but think of a psychopath.
ES
I just found your blog and am so glad I did. Yes, I have definitely seen the black, empty, shark-like eyes of the malignant narcissist, and I have seen the way they change when they are in a narcissitic rage from their normal color to that dead, cold black, like alien eyes. It’s creepy as hell, and very real.
I also write a blog about narcissism (I am a survivor of an MN mother and an MN ex husband) and I have seen the eye change thing in both of them. I was seriously spooked.
I have written these articles that may interest you:
I am following you now.
Thank Luckyotter:
I “sat on” my post regarding the fact that the N’s eyes would change to solid black irises from brown. I didn’t think anyone would believe me or could have experienced the same thing. After a few days, the comments on the post proved me wrong.
ES
Reblogged this on a safe place and commented:
A new blog I just found-and a fascinating and very creepy post about the eyes of narcissists and psychopaths. The comments are numerous and I was shocked how many other people besides me have seen the eyes of malignant narcissists turn from their normal color into that dead, opaque black when enraged or when they’re devaluing you. It may sound crazy, but it’s very real. I have seen this look on several malignant narcissists. My ex and my mother in particular come to mind. I also think I saw that look once in my daughter’s recent ex boyfriend, who turned out to be a very skilled psychopath.
I am a female “narcissist” (diagnosed) with a connection with borderline personality disorder as they say. I was Googling “how to smile with your eyes”, because I have difficulty doing so publicly, so then a thought occurred and I decided to look into so I Googled “can narcissists smile with their eyes” and I came across your article thinking I could find something of use here for the issue at hand. The reason I am Googling this is because I need to take a professional picture for my job.
Anyway what you mentioned about his eyes changing colors, they say the same thing about me. I don’t get “shark eyes”, but I do get “crazy eyes”, and “mischievous” when I am “angry”. But I personally feel and see emptiness. Sometimes I look to see if there is something there and I’ve gotten frustrated in the past but I’ve accepted it. The emptiness is not because I don’t have a soul lol. It’s because our environments have wired us differently than you. And that’s not a good thing. Most of us understand that.
I have never “victimized” myself and I do not speak of my history because I do not care or dwell but if you are to understand as a child I was severely physically and mentally abused. I was often beat and burned by my mother (and I come from a middle class home). My mother was not an alcoholic, or a drug user she is a high functioning woman, but I am learning now something that I had always known, there is something wrong with her mentally. I had been in denial because it is difficult to love and care for someone that you can’t make better, that is when I shut down as a child. I once wet my pants as a child and she paraded me around in my underwear and told everyone that I wet my pants. As a little girl I was told repeatedly that I was the cause of all her problems, and anger was physically taken out on me. I wanted to make her feel better.
I was told I was a bad girl, I was told no one wants me, and that I wasn’t beautiful over and over again until my hair began falling out to the point I developed alopecia by the age of 6. They had to shave my head like a boy and she made fun of me for that. At that point I shut down and I learned to not care what she says or thinks. She would make fun of my crying, mock it and tell me I’m even uglier when I cry and that I’m evil. By the age of 7 I stopped crying, the words and hits stopped hurting. When I learned to stop crying at the age of 7 she began to publicly humiliate me. But she got no reaction from me. I created a world inside my head.
She attempted to give me away many times, and I was sent away many times.
When I would go back home she would tell me that I was sent back because they did not want me. When bad things would happen to me she would side with the other party.
I’m not telling you these things so you can feel bad or so I can gain sympathy. I’m telling you so you can understand that the way people are treated as children will have an impact on the way they grow AND most of the time they are not aware that their development issue is that bad. But it is. Do not take this information to run off to help a narcissist, you can’t. Take it to understand that there are people in this world that go through things that are not your fault.
We are emotionally and mentally wrong. Disconnected from all of you. That’s just the way it is. I’m sure there is some type of human deep within your narcissist but do not take anything he has said or done personally. He has issues that have caused him to develop abnormally. It’s actually quite tragic. I’m not recommending that any of you try to help a narcissist it’s nearly impossible. Only a narcissist can help him or her self. But try to be aware of the conditions of some people so that you don’t waste your own time and ruin your own mental health. Narcissists and borderlines can be and are destructive to themselves first and foremost, and to those they associate with.
I never speak about these things and always frown when people say they’re narcissists or whatever. It’s nothing to be proud of, and most of the time they are not narcissists.
Anyway I appreciate your write up, it is insightful for others. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Layla:
Your comment was forthright – You have amazing insight for the readers here.
I accept that you do not want sympathy – your story of your days as a young child gives readers an epiphany of understanding of possibly how and why their narcissist came to be the way he or she was – I have long suspected that the N I knew had some sort of abuse as a child.
I am “blown away” by your response and I thank you for sharing.
Elisse Stuart
This is for Layla – Thank you so much for your comment. I hope you will look into Adult Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Traditional therapy doesn’t work but therapists who specialize in Adult RAD can help. Please look it up and read about it and go to a place that specializes in Adult RAD. This is for adults who were not able to form attachments to caregivers as children (often due to parental abuse and neglect) and which results in Cluster B personality disorders such as narcissism, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic.
Hi
I just have to comment. I got away from an N very recently. I needed help scaring him away though, on his profile he says his got green eyes, not so. They are brown and yellow. They turned small and black when giving me the death stare and when he came charging for me after I told him to leave MY house, onetime sitting next to me on the lounge very closely talking I looked straight into his eyes, and he into mine and I kid you not, I saw something “flicker” behind his eyes like a shadow had passed behind them I thought What The F@@@ Was That!!??
I can only have faith that he has been scared away. This N is actually cowardly toward other males. I get the feeling its gone like it doesn’t exist to me anymore. I still have left over anxiety that comes and goes. He has new supply or an old recycled one with a baby, which I now think is his child. He knows not to mess with me. I have too much stress for him. They let go because they can’t handle the stress and frustration. The mind f@@@ in other words, but you have to know them, to know what is safe to do.
Yes, If I saw something “flicker” behind the N’s eyes….in X Files fashion, I wouldn’t stop running until there were either several states, or countries between the N and I.
ES
I posted this comment awhile back on Kim Saeed’s “Let Me Reach” blog (a very worthwhile and helpful place to check out, too!) but after a reader mentioned this page to me, I’d like to post it here as well:
“I’ll never forget what happened when it finally dawned on me that he was NOT a goodhearted person and a perfect match for me. I suddenly realized he was SO not like me, so opposite in his morality toward others, so unblinking in his unfairness and skewed justice…that’s when I looked directly into his eyes and said “We aren’t alike! We are nothing alike! We aren’t even standing on the same ground!”
The moment I said that, I saw the pupils of his eyes suddenly dilate ENORMOUSLY then immediately return to normal size…they flashed black for just an instant!!! It stunned me so completely that I stepped back and told him his eyes just flashed black. He laughed and said that was ridiculous. It was very creepy and I got the distinct impression that he was actually a very evil person who had just been figured out…”
I’d like to add another experience I had with a different person, one who often was offended by something I said, even though offending him was the furthest thing from my mind. On one of those occasions when I said something he apparently didn’t like, his eyes flashed deep black right before he physically jumped on me and began beating me! Oh yes, eyes can flash black, and in my experience with both of these narcissistic abusers, it is never to be ignored, as it betrays their hidden anger and hate…I will avoid such persons with extreme diligence from now on.
Dear Sandy: Thank you for sharing your experiences with us here.
The change of eye color really does happen.
ES
Wow. I was just reading comments and a couple struck me. I knew something was wrong with my mom since I was a small child. She would go off in these rages at me or my sister. The odd thing was while she was yelling and foaming at the mouth at us, she would be staring at the corner of the ceiling. I once got bold enough to ask her about it once, while this was happening. Was she talking to me? Because she wasn’t looking at me. That enraged her more and she slapped me upside the head. I was put into foster care at the age of 10. She just had more children to keep her welfare benefits flowing. She never tried to get me or my siblings back. Back then they didn’t take your “new kids” from you even if you didn’t prove you changed or got off drugs since they took your first batch. I have through the years maintained low contact and now No Contact, before I knew the term.
Dear Icecreme: I am very sad to hear what you have been through. I hope that you have somehow been able to keep contact with your siblings.
ES
I was a victim of a narcissist – scary time.
I ran from him and he found me 22 yrs later.
He hurt me badly physically, emotionally and socially.
He said he’d planned what he’d do to me all those yrs, everytime he had nothing else to do.
He followed me for several yrs. I’ve been free of him for 7 yrs now.
Have had a thing with a new man.lately. spent alot of time crying and reacting scared.kinda crazy.
Just the other day I realized that tho every physical aspect was different and they lifestyles were different, these two men were peas in a pod.
I am disengaging now. Not too fast. Not in a negative way.
Let it be his choice because you’re just no longer a prike source of n. Supply.
Then run and avoid like the plague. So be careful.
We tend to attract the same types. Dont commit too quickly.
If u have to run, run fast and far. Leave suddenly, with very little.
Dump phone and change all accts and cards and banks.
Give yourself a nickname so people don’t know u by your real name.. give up regular hobbyies.like bowling.
Make u too easy to find. And pray…alot
Certainly very scary –
Like the government’s witness protection program
ES
By “physical damage inflicted” I meant rape. He hurt me so badly I couldn’t crawl up the stairs, from my basement apartment for three days. And he said he’d kill me if I called police. I was raised by n.s and I think I still attract them. They are extreme people. And sometimes when they gas light you, you really begin to wonder if you are the crazy one. I ran from the other. This one I only went across town. Different men; different types of N’s. This one is cerebral, I think. He lies, plays victim, says to everyone he is celibate for 20 yrs. Gaslights, acts opposite every time you meet. Did the glittery eye thing. Face all flushed and euphoric. Another time gave me a fish eyed stare. Some other ladies an the choir observed it. One said “weird!” Gotto go now.
My dad’s eyes use to go black, completely when he raged. Just dated a narcissist and when I was confronting him about the potential sexual abuse of my 2 year old son, his one eye looked away and down (like a scared child) and the other looked right at me and grinned. We are dealing with much more than just narcissists, these are parasites at the wheel, might even be what the agnostics call archons. I have a feeling 2017 will be a year for many to see what we have, its time.