FAQ: Do narcissists realize what they are?
Would a narcissist take his camping chair and steal away to an isolated peaceful pond to sit quietly to reflect on his life/deeds/words?
Would he make a fearless moral inventory of himself and resolve to make amends to anyone he had harmed by his callousness?
No.
I don’t think he is capable of that much introspection. I guess that is probably good for him in a way. If N’s had the ability to care about others, if the were able to realize how much harm they have caused other people, if they knew how much other people hated to deal with them, even for a moment…I doubt they would be able to live with themselves.
(Which I guess would be a good thing….they wouldn’t be walking the earth.)
No, they think that we (the victims) are the ones to blame, for everything. Everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault. The N can do no wrong. Just like the preschooler who gets caught being naughty, he quickly looks for someone else to blame…even if it’s his teddy bear.
Whenever I read a post from a person who is afraid that he/she has become like his/her Narcissist – I will frequently comment to assure them that if they were becoming like the N, they certainly wouldn’t be worried about it. They certainly wouldn’t be asking.
Do I think that the N might ever have an epiphany and realize what a scum bag he is? Could he develop a conscious and repent from how he has abused anyone having the misfortune of knowing him?
Not in a million years.
The photo above is entitled “Hidden Depths.”
There is no depth to a Narcissist, but there is a great deal that is hidden…especially from their “supply.”
The depth of their deception (to themselves AND those close to them) is unfathomable. Despite all of the devastation they wreak on the lives of others, it never occurs to them that they had something to do with it.
By definition, I think Narcissists have no understanding of their extreme self-absorption and shallowness. You’re so right that if you wonder whether you are a Narcissist, then you need not worry that you are. It doesn’t absolve a person of bad behavior, but at least it can be fixed. To solve a problem you need to acknowledge that it exists, and to a Narcissist everyone else is at fault. Thanks for posting.
Quote from the “N” – 11/16/2009
“I have long given up on the human race babe. Have absolutely nothing in common with most people here n hope I get abducted by aliens one day… I am serious.”
Alien much?
Guess he misses his Alma Mater…..I maintain they all (N’s) went to the same school in outer space.
ES
Narcissists blame others and that’s why they’re so dangerous to people who are willing to accept blame and fault so they can make amends. When you’ve got one of those tender hearts that really wants to make relationships work, you don’t realize what hit you until you’re feeling like an overloaded garbage can.
The narcissist throws everything away, casting blame and fault in the nearest container (that would be ‘you’, ha!). That’s because narcissists don’t know how to clean up their own toxic waste, so they dump it on others.
I like to think about the remorse process as an emotional recycling center for toxic behavior…ha! Even as competent as our recycling centers might be, we can’t clean up messes for TWO.
Hugs,
CZBZ
I agree that they are incapable of introspection but I do believe that they know what they are. I agree that they don’t have any actual human emotions or realize or care about how they affect others. We are weak in their eyes simply for having emotions.
I do believe that they know exactly how un-fabulous they really are and every single word and action is a conscious attempt at convincing everyone else, and themselves, otherwise. They run from introspection so that they don’t have to face these demons. When they are not receiving enough supply,we get narcissistic rage, right? Yet another attempt to avoid the truth of what they are. One big fireball of distraction for them, destruction for us.
I agree with you totally Cyndi. It is also has to do with low self-esteem – do they ever really ‘need’ their partners, apart from sex??
From what I understand, their partner is considered an object – might as well just use a knot hole in the backyard fence.
ES
Hi,
Very nice post. I’m glad I read it. So true but I wonder why it is that people, like myself and others, who have been unfortunate to have loved a narcissist, do we get to a place where we begin to wonder if we are like them? What you said about how a N doesn’t wonder or worry about how he or she has hurt others is so right on. Thanks for writing.
When I read about a narcissist needing a “supply” to feed their behavior, etc, does that mean that in writing down all the hurt & horrible things he did, and reminding him of all the broken promises, and many, many lies he told me & others, it only feeds him what makes him feel good about himself?
While people like him have no heart, or empathy, does it mean he actually gets his kicks out of knowing I miss him and how hurt he’s made me feel?
Dear Breeze:
In the case of the N I “knew” I believe that telling him how much he hurt me…all the things that you mention above…that he took great delight in this. It made him feel good, made him feel superior to me, because somehow in his twisted mind, he equates feelings with weakness.
I think that the N receive sadistic satisfaction in knowing that I missed him…absolutely…they are soul sucking vampires.
ES
hi– I too think, well in my case, I know my ex N got tremendous satisfaction from hurting me. Once, right after I ended it, he came 2 see me. He smiled big and truly looked happy when he described having had sex in a shower with his new neighbor. I wrote an ode to a narcissist the next day. (in my blog–good read even if i did write it). i know he enjoyed hurting me. I tried not to let him see the pain and he was disappointed. He kept on with the details of his encounter ’til my big dog decided enuf was enuf and nearly bit him. He has not been back.
Quote from him: “You have no idea what lies behind my public face, which I have worked on all my life.” 63 year old man! He said he doesn’t feel anything, not even love for his own son. A narcissist is a cruel human.
Dogkisses: you are kind to call “them” human. I consider The N to be an alien life form. Fortunately, the mother ship landed and removed him from my planet.
ES
hi, I just read your note. You are probably right about me being kind to call him (or them) “human” — I guess b/c I don’t believe in other life forms, I mean I think that is quite possible, but I definitely believe there are truly cruel and even evil people. I take it so seriously; being mentally and emotionally abused that it’s hard for me to think of them in any way other than in a way, I guess, that makes some kind of sense to me. It still leaves me bewildered when I think of the experience. I wish though they would all go to another planet or some lone island so they could all live out their pathetic non-feeling lives together.
To my fellow sufferers/survivors: What a kinship we have! I was paralyzed several years ago, and have since come to realize I was poisoned with arsenic by one of these opportunistic, self-serving creatures. I was in rehab for the symptoms for 6 weeks. Praise God I am stronger than ever. These parasites are a joke. They are bonafide criminals and sociopaths. be patient and be very courageous, for God loves justice, in all forms. It’s just a matter of time. All of this may sound absurd, but there are countless numbers of prosecuted cases similar to mine. Please, be STRONG (you’re stronger than you know for having dealt with this EVIL.) Also, know that you are in my prayers. Please, please try to help those in need whenever possible. It will help you more than can be measured…ANYTHING !!
All of your comments really hit me in the gut. They made perfect sense. It is especially comforting, cuz it is so futile to glean any SENSE from these sub-human “life forms”. I mean that.
These creatures do exist and one can be older and still not wiser to have been victimized by one of them. I was in a relationship (we both loved him) for 8 months — I did see red flags – but ignored them, I am ashamed to say. I was lonely — and I am by nature a nurturer — made me a prime target. I have to say that I think this s.o.b may have killed my cat — I have no proof of this, but my kitty got sick (cause unknown — vet said he must have “eaten something — no changes in my house except the dark present of this human vampire) during the month he spent time with me — and I think it was the issue of control and causing me pain that might have prompted this act of evil.
These people are also very cowardly — they are the type who will do things behind your back, in secret — and not accept responsibility but be thrilled by the “power” of knowing they have hurt you.
My biggest problem now is feeling incredibly dumb! There were times I could have let him go — but I didn’t — I allowed him back into my life because I’d been alone for so many years.
Sally: I would believe that the human vampire was the cause of you cat’s death. The N that I knew hated animals – you are right, I think their power and pleasure comes from inflicting pain – in whatever manner on others. Don’t be hard on yourself, narcissists seek out the best people to destroy – don’t let him.
ES
so happy I have found this site, keep reading about narcissists but nowhere was there other ‘victims’ of these abusers helping each other. Feel like I need counselling after what I’ve been through but feel so silly and pathetic telling someone who probably wouldnt understand it, and why you stayed so long. Its only been a year for me, for some of you its been years, I feel exhausted now after just a year! Felt like ten years though…..
I could always sense he took great delight and thrived off seeing me in pain, pain he inflicted, mentally. He never physically hurt me, he’s a wimp in reality. I got it from both barrels in every way there is to mentally torture someone…but I think he underestimated how strong I really was, and even though he had me in tears every day, just a few days away from him would give me the energy to fight back mentally…whilst he thought he was hurting me more with the silent treatment, what he was actually doing was recharging my batteries!
I ended up alienating my family and friends (they were aware of his ‘behaviour’, but no real idea of what was going on) but enough to make them keep me at arms length. But its ok because they will understand and just be glad I got rid (only recently and still reeling) and welcome me back, they are good friends, whereas he has NO friends!!
I’m just recovering now, hope I dont wobble coz I dont think for one second I’ve seen or heard the last from him, but I do know its wrong and its the best decision I’ve made for years!
Debbie – Glad you found my posts here. I hope that they help.
Having been married to an (eventually) clinically diagnosed “N” (with BPD co-morbidity), I’ve acquired pretty good “antennae” now for these sorts of folks. So these days, whenever the subject comes up now even in general conversation (i.e., mentioning my former marriage, singles complaining about other bad relationships, discussing Narcissism in the culture, the internet, etc.)…. I’m struck by the frequently defensive and uncomfortable reactions about the subject from the very folks that I would suspect as being “N’s”! And in the older ones especially… I believe they actually know (or suspect) what they are by now!
Mat: That may very possibly be true – N’s hate it when you figure them out – when you’ve “got their number.”
ES
Hi
I am in occupational therapy and my therapist has NPD.
I have a brain injury from an auto accident and with help from other people they agreed that the therapist is a N.
I feel caught between a rock and a hard place because leaving and going to a different facility is difficult because of insurance reasons. So I just bare and grin it, she lies and has gotten personal about her life. I started noticing her stories did not make sense and she started blaming me for things. Such as she went to seminar and got a crack in her window and blamed me because she was going there to learn more about the vestibular. Something that I am going through. She was nice at first and I got sucked in, she can still be nice, but she has these insults and stories of drama every session I go to. What is difficult is she is good at her job, so yes i am con fusses. Trying to get used to somebody is very difficult for me due to this brain injury.
I said something once about how she plays mind games and she put her head down and turned away.
Any thoughts or insights?
Mary: Good call on realizing that your occupational therapist has a personality disorder. While you are recovering from your accident, you should not have to be subjeted to her craziness.
From a professional standpoint – she should not be able to be abusive to you at all. The insurance company and the management of the facility should be made aware of this woman’s unprofessionalism. She cannot blame you for a crack in her windshield – she is supposed to be updating her certificate/credential often – if she got damage to her car – that’s what she has car insurance for!
I realize that changing rehab offices is difficult but the unprofessionalism of this therapist is unacceptable. The next time you go for therapy, you need to have a friend or family member who can be your advocate come and sit with you. I believe if you have someone there to support you, the narcissist will be on her best behavior.
ES
I have NPD. Reading these forums and articles is somewhat interesting. Wonder if i truely am, or am i just a little bored kid who wants to stir s**t? Everyone tends to think npd’s arent aware of what they are, and that if they are truely what they are, they wouldnt read this up or research this. Believe me they do, in a life of a person whos mood depends on feeling weak or strong, this is a great boost.
Are we aware of what we are and what we do? Yes.
Can we see what pain we bring to people around us? No.
Why?
Ill speak for my self at least, because i dont believe what people write. It seems like a quote from a movie, just like my girlfriends slam the door behind them as they walked out. Such a dramatic exit, bravo. Because everyone is just playing a role, role chosen from tv. Everytime i heard my girlfriends say ” I dont want to talk to you right now ” I think, hmmm ive seen this in everyday tv series, eg Bold and the beautifull, its a classic! To me its all a game. Everyone just wants to feel two steps ahead of everyone.
Now the question that you might be thinking, is how do i know i am one? If i think everyone is faking hurt feelings? Because ive learnt that they all do it, and realised im different. Losing friends over and over again, losing girlfriends over and over again, for the same reason.
Now some may say admiting you are one, is taking the blame, so you cant be one? Being one isnt taking the blame, its one step closer to being superior.
Do i want to change? Surprisingly, yes.
Seeing people, in the city, hugging, laughing, talking and “enjoying them selves” without mind games, seems impossible. Going to parties and dancing like no one is watching, seems sureal. Seems like a movie.
Have i tried to change? Yes,
But i only seem to try when im alone,when people
are around me, it doesnt cross my mind.
My life revolves around self power, and i get very upset and voilent if i dont get it.
Remember, if you are talking to an NPD, they are probing you, testing you and anylizing you at the start, then they unleash their Uniqueness, and start feeding of that.
Dear Bored little child:
I am not sure what to do with your comment. If you truly want help to change, then I suggest that you call your insurance provider and ask for a referral to a psychologist. When the insurance company asks you questions as to your symptoms/the reasons for your request tell them you think you have NPD. They may be able to put you in contact with a medical professional who can help you.
Good luck
I do think Ns know who they are. The one that I was seeing admitted to me that he had no empathy and hated intimacy. I always wanted to ask him how he saw the world, since I can’t fathom a person with No Empathy. How does a person with No Empathy look at the people around him? I think Bored Little Child hit the nail on the head. They look at everyone as playing the exact same game as they do. I remember talking to Mr. N one time and he asked how I was and I told him I was happy and there was a long pause. I don’t think Ns really understand the concept of happiness….oh, they know what it is like to momentarily feel a rush of adrenalin, a high off a new supply, but it’s nothing that lasts. Most of the time, they are playing a role while thinking that we are playing along with them. I think when they are faced with true happiness, true friendship, true caring..that they do feel jealous for a split second. They should be able to have that too….but they can’t. They can only fake being able to connect for so long before their true selves start seeping through and the mask starts coming off. Their souls are empty and they must constantly look for new supply as those around them figure this out. It seems an incredibly sad life to me.
Kylie: Very well said! Thank you for your comments. I think it was the lack of empathy on the part of the N that I found most appalling. The N I knew, found great pleasure (or happiness) in the sadness of others.
ES
Hi Elisse,
I too found the lack of empathy appalling, but at the same time, it was extremely familiar to me. Empathy is not abundant in my family. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that my parents are Ns, but there wasn’t a lot of understanding growing up. The judgement, the silence, the withholding, the expectations, the disappointment, the crumbs of “favor”, the dangling carrot that if I could change, then I would be loved..they are all things that I grew up with. That is why I think I developed extreme empathy…because it was lacking from my childhood. So I do tend to read a lot about NPD….not only because I want to understand about Mr. N (who I am no longer seeing) but also because I want to understand my parents better so that I can finally let go of trying so hard to please them and constantly failing.
Bless you on letting go…I hope you have or will have someone in your life who appreciates you, is easily to please and is demonstrative in their support & love. It is possible to move past the N.
ES
I’m engaged to a narcissist. The problem is that he believes I’m the narcissist because I wear makeup, care about my appearence, and I don’t like him to “check out” other women in my presence… Or is he just being the classic N? 😉
Everything is all about him…everything is my fault..”I’m the monster that you created.” “You made me this way”.. “I say cruel things because of you. Its your fault I get so angry. You deserve it.” He says I only attract scumbags because I have blonde hair and a boob job. When I say “well, I attracted you. Are you calling yourself a scumbag?” His response: “you just got lucky.”
In a nutshell, he says he’s only with me because he knows how loyal I am. I’m not allowed to have feelings.
He constantly belittles me.. Makes me justify and extensively explain my past sexual experiences and relationships so he can make me feel ashamed that I have been with anyone other than him.. And I’m 29. He then compares me to his ex’s and tells me why and how they were so much more pure than me.. And I haven’t even experienced anything wild.
My needs are never met emotionally and he has savagly ripped me apart with words.
From telling me he never loved me, I’m trash, a whore, stupid, to letting me know how each of his ex’s were better. He’s even told me that he’s thought about a family member while having sex with me… And said I had severe insecurity issues for even being upset about it.
He constantly gets mad over nothing and has made me go to therapy because I’m the crazy one. Everyone else is at fault for how he is.. His anger.. Everything.
They don’t change and I’m planning my escape route. All of you suffering must do the same. They won’t change.
Dear Fancy: By all that is Holy – please tell me that you are not making any wedding plans with this A** H***!! Yes, he’s a classic N. If you think you are miserable now – just wait if you marry him.
RUN! You had best be making more than an escape route – get out now!
ES
After 2 years of gradually losing his ability to deflect my deep query’s regarding the dynamics of our ‘relationship’, Pretend Guy gave me a copy of his favorite book ‘Zorba the Greek’. He said “If you really want to know me then read this, because this is who I am.”
I tried to slog through it, but eventually watched the movie. Wish I had on our first date, would have run for my life!
This was a guy who bragged about 2 years of psych at a university, (perfecting his techniques, for sure).
So yes, they know what heartless vampires they are.
Zorba: I may have to rent that movie – I think they enjoy the role they play in this “middle school horror movie” they are directing.
ES
I have another. Mine was “The Birdman of Alcatraz.” At the time I thought, how sweet. I should have looked on Wikipedia: “..one of the most violent prisoners at McNeil Island. He assaulted a hospital orderly who had reported him to the administration for attempting to obtain morphine through threats and intimidation, and also reportedly stabbed a fellow inmate who was involved in the attempt to smuggle the narcotics. Stroud was once reprimanded by a guard in the cafeteria, Andrew F. Turner, for a minor rule violation. Although the infraction was not a serious one, Stroud flew into a rage, and stabbed Turner to death.”
Yep, same kind of guy.
Wow, ES, congrats on all your “views.”
Thanks Hermite.
ES
Ha. A narcissist will never admit to EVER doing ANYTHING wrong. My ex has ruined every single friendship he’s got by being a complete bastard asshole to everyone. He would be horrible to one friend and then call another to bitch about what the friend had done to him – because of course the friend he was horrible to had stood up for himself, and my ex didn’t like that!! So he became the victim and would call everyone and lie about it. Of course, he NEVER told anyone what HE had originally done to the person in the first place – because then no one would agree with him.
He has recently done this to me. Went psycho on our wedding anniversary and told me that I’m useless, stupid and aimless and that our life is shit and it’s all my fault. I’m sick of the abuse, I’ve had it for over 2 years and something snapped and I decided enough is enough. Now I am NC for 5 days. Anyway, he is now calling whatever friends he has left (all the ones that live far away and don’t know the real monster he is) and saying that I’ve been abusing him and all the rest of the crap. He of course has not told them what he has done to me! LOL. He knows if he told them that they would tell him how wrong and psycho he is.
Nothing is EVER their fault.. they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, treat people however they want – but NO ONE is EVER allowed to protect themselves or stand up to them – ohhhhhhh no! If you do that, you release the rage and then THEY are the victim and YOU are the abuser!
Such insanity. I really don’t know how I survived a life with this N for the amount of time that I did… I can’t believe I am still sane…… mentally scarred, yes…. very depressed and suffering post traumatic stress, yes…… but underneath it all, I know I am still sane and I know I will get over this. I am not a victim. I am a survivor!
You pretty much summed up the wacko behavior. It amazes me how they are able to remember what lie they told whom. He projected on you on your wedding anniversary. He is the one who is useless, stupid and aimless.
ES
I wanted to add the thing that makes me laugh the most from my entire relationship…
My ex N printed a photo of himself on t-shirt transfer paper and put it on a t-shirt and he used to wear it… a lot.
Yes. Really.
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL…. How funny. I can’t stop laughing when I think about it.
I can imagine his brain working: “If I could print 100’s of these, I’m SURE they’d sell at an alarming rate! I mean.. who wouldn’t want ME on a t-shirt?”…
*scoff*
Yes, they are “A Legend” in their own minds…….
ES
Sorry, me again! Another funny.
He went into a shop and bought something, but he couldn’t find it anywhere when he got home and realised he’d left it in the shop.
My sister said that he probably caught sight of himself in the shop window reflection and forgot about everything else entirely…
haha.
Very funny. If you can keep your sense of humor while healing from the trauma, you are doing well.
ES
I think the “N” picks his victim thinking that this person’s empathy(that they lack) will somehow make them whole!! In many ways they suck the life out of you and and feel no remorse for anything they’ve said or done. This bewilders the person whom they have injured. Leaving you wondering WTF has it all been for!!!! Trust me, I know, I lived w/ one for 36 yrs….I feel like I’ve just been released from my own “prison” and find that it is hard to get over the abuse from that relationship.
Dear Lucky: After 36 years you have been released from prison.
I can only recommend that you do all you can to have No Contact with your former “jailer.”
Peace and blessings to you.
ES
I am two weeks into recovery after a break-up with an N. I’m feeling a host of different feelings — all terrible — mostly anger with myself for not paying attention to the glaring reality of his sickness. But during those times, I was confused. I was hearing one thing, yet his behavior was telling me something entirely different. The relationship started out so well, as most do. He was cunning in his approach to me. He’s an old pro, and knew just what to say to tug at my heart strings. He went to great lengths telling me about how he had his heart broken (yes, heart) in the past. He even demonstrated the pain by pounding his chest as he spoke the words. My first thought was, of course, “You poor soul. How could someone do this to you?”
The first of four long wasted years was blissful, with the exception of some disturbing aloofness and lack of physical affection that I couldn’t quite understand. There were flowers, sweet voicemail messages and the like. I made it clear that I was an affectionate person, and thought surely if I let him know this he will reciprocate. Never happened. About the 3rd or 4th date, we had gone to a club where he left me sitting at a table with a group of people I didn’t know. After about 20 minutes of sitting alone, I became agitated and annoyed that he was not at least bothering to check on me. When finally we left, I let him know how rude that behavior was. It was the first of many times he would do this. His response was always one of complete ignorance. Whenever I would mention that I wasn’t feeling loved or needed, mostly the response was “I’m giving you more than I’ve given anyone else,” or “This is all I have to give.” One time he said “I’m not going to kiss your a__.” Another time he said “I’m not going to sweep you off your feet.” That was the turning point for me. I stopped telling him that I loved him, and was less affectionate toward him. I almost ended it, but again, he poured on the fake love. By then, though, I was on my guard, and I believe he knew he was losing his supply (N’s constantly seek adoration, and quickly look elsewhere if they can’t get it from you). He made the very telling comment “If you break up with me, I will feel nothing and just go on about my life.” (Classic N) Little did I know he was being brutally honest. Our last night together, he flew into a psychotic rage in a restaurant. I had simply asked him to communicate better with me. That must have been a hot button to push, because he became like a raging beast, complete with shaking hands. I feared him at that point and knew I could not stay with him any longer. Unfortunately, I am drawn to N’s since I am codependent. I know I need to seek counseling, but I can’t afford it right now. I feel so broken, empty, and angry. When I started to google relationship-type things recently, I accidently landed on a page that gave the traits for NPD. I literally froze reading them, as most of them were exactly like his behavior. Realizing that it wasn’t me that was unlovable, but rather him that simply couldn’t love, somehow released a huge burden of anxiety. I am no longer mourning him, or carrying a torch for him, but I am left with so much emotional trauma. I know I am fortunate not to have suffered many more years and greater consequences, as so many of you have. I hope to be able to help others who may be in this position. Look for the warning signs: not affectionate, unwilling to talk about feelings, never admits he is wrong about ANYTHING, blames you for his shortcomings, shows no compassion or empathy, sudden withdrawl with no explanation — and becomes critical of your appearance, moodiness/irritability. May we all be blessed to find healthy love. and peace!
Dear Shaken: (Love your name btw) Don’t beat yourself up over not “seeing” the N for what he was in the beginning. N’s as a whole are very good at keeping their mask firmly in place in the early months / years. Somewhere back deep in our subconsciousnes we have this (for lack of better phrase) “Little voice, quietly clearing it’s throat, saying ‘if I might point something out’…..” But we don’t always hear his still, small voice…..
The next best thing to finding a therapist to speak with (difficult to really find one who understands NPD – believe me, I tried) is to read as much as you can, like you are doing here. I have several fine resources listed on the right hand side of my blog and those blogs in turn have resources and information listed.
ES
Thanks once again, Elisse, for your kind words and thoughtful response. Yes, I suppose many of us have a small voice that tells us when something isn’t right. For some it’s a gut feeling and the resulting anxiety, or aphysical ailment such as a rash. My inner voice comes to me in dreams. I’ve had many portentous or powerfully symbolic dreams throughout my life, and the ones that are most memorable are the ones I’ve had while in rocky relationships. The first one I recall, was a sleepwalking dream (the first and only sleepwalking episode I’ve experienced). At the time, I was quite young — early 20’s and living with my boyfriend. I got up from bed, walked to the living room, and discarded my nightie and underwear to the floor. Fully naked, I found my car keys and got inside my car. When I awoke at daybreak, much to my surprise with not a stitch of clothing on, I quickly scrambled inside where I saw my nightie and pants on the floor. I took this to mean that it was time for me to shed this relationship and move out, which I did shortly thereafter. This was the most powerful of my dreams. The second dream came much later in life. It was right before I was planning to marry someone who had anger/control issues. The dream depicted a ferocious “King Kong” with waving paws from which strings were attached, and people dangled from the ends. Clearly this pointed out to me that my financé controlled people with his anger. The next dream was in the midst of a possible reunion with the boyfriend whom I lived with previously. This time, the dream depicted a tornado. I remember hearing a voice telling me to keep my head down, and not to raise up to face the storm. It was quite a frightening dream! The last two were about my ex-N. The first one depicts the N in bed, under the covers, with one hand reaching out as if to hand me something. In his hand was a pile of feces — not hard to figure this one out! In the second dream, the N is cheating on me. I tell the N (in the dream) that this time, I will not come back. I told the N about the second dream. I truly believe that my telling him the dream was the catalyst for the demise of our relationship. I believe at this point he knew I was on to him, thus his behavior toward me hardened. I must learn to trust the wisdom in these dreams — they are messages of truth!
I have found so much love and compassion here, and have enjoyed reading your blogs — particularly “Curtain Calls” — such brilliant analogies and beautiful writing. I have great empathy for all of the women in these blogs who have shared their tragic stories. My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered so many losses in your lives. I wish you all the best in your recoveries. I plan to visit here often. Many blessings!
BTW, my name at the top is the title to a non-professional book I am writing which chronicles my past relationships. I am doing this for growth and self-therapy. I have always benefited from writing my thoughts.
Thanks Shaken: I had “Narcissistic Curtain Calls” sitting in drafts for a very long time. I wasn’t until a friend told me that a friend of hers was experiencing a resergence of the N. She told me about how much agony the friend was in, etc…
It was after that conversation that I forced myself to re-live the experience with the N long enough to finish the post. It was a story that needed to be told and continues to be my most read post.
ES
I have just come out of my 2nd N relationship ..this one lasted 1 year, the last one lasted 7 years. Both completely different but similar in the Control aspects
The first narc controlled by silence, the 2nd one by smothering me.
I am 4 weeks into NC and he is still sending sweet texts to con me …you have to be very cunning to outsmart a narc, cause they have so many masks. Mine never apologised for the horrific abuse he dished out…started with commenting on my clothes to my wrinkles etc, then when ever we went out he claimed every women wanted him…he would comment on other womens bodies, how tight their **** were, how they wanted him and gave him the eye??..at first I used to get quite upset, but still didn’t realise he was a narc because he always said sweet things after the nasty things…he hated my family, my kids, my job, my house, my car and told all his friends that I was mental and that he was only with me because no one else would put up with me.
He slandered my personal secrets I told him from my past and told people he worked for (he is a tradesman) things about me, then he would tell me the clients would say to him ‘are you sure this women is right for you??
He made out like he was helping me around the house, so that I got sucked into believing he actually cared, another form of control, every thing was about control…whenever he could he would put me down, I was doubting myself constantly..emotionally his behaviour was affecting my work, we broke up every week…then he would blame me for everything that happened..I started to fight back at him, when I could get a word in…most of the time he never shut up about himself and how good he was..when I would argue back with him he would go into a rage..and say the most hurtful nasty things, then leave and text me from afar saying I caused all the problems..In his mind he did nothing wrong and I did nothing right??? He brought up issues of my dead husband all the time because he knew it upset me, I would go to work crying and upset from the nasty things he would say about my dead husband …finally I locked him out of my house and changed the locks, but he wouldn’t stop stalking me…he used to go drinking for days on end then show up at my door. He never once took responsibility for anything
he did …all the problems were my fault because I was mental??
When I went NC he couldnt handle that..he kept texting and ringing but I just ignored all the calls..I knew if I took him back his revenge would cost me big time..prob even my life cause he was violent…the only person he was scared of was my eldest son who was a bouncer…and this is how I got rid of him in the end.
I told him my bouncer son had come back home to live with me..he stopped calling from then on – but still sent text saying ‘am thinking of you’ yeah right..thinking of a way to get me more like it…silence definately speaks louder than any words, besides they don’t listen anyway to anything you say, so why waste precious energy..
good luck to all those trying to overcome the pain and hurt from these counterfeit mongrels are indeed a blight on society and cause so much damage to beautiful people…
Dear Betteroffnow: So glad you found something he was afraid of – your son.
Keep up the good work with the NC. If possible, change your cell number or block his number with your cell phone provider. Then you don’t even have to deal with seeing the texts and calls.
All the best to you.
ES
My question is…how do you deal with a “N” who insists that he is doing it all for you? I have been married to an N for 27 years (although I have just realized that he is a N) and he is constantly telling me that all the criticism and gaslighting is for me: He’s “just trying to help”. He manages to turn everything around and make me feel like I am the most horrible person in the world because all he wants to do is make me happy and feel loved when what he is really doing is fulfilling his wants and needs regardless of what I actually want. Of course he is very convincing and I end up feeling like the bad guy all the time.
Cathy: My question to you is – Can you afford to leave him? Or, can you find someone to see for counseling for just you without him? Perhaps a therapist in your community could give you advice on dealing with the gaslighting, the verbal abuse, and the rest that you have not shared here. Maybe they would have coping techniques for you to use.
I don’t know how you have managed all these years. Maybe some of my other readers will have some insight for you.
My advice would be to start weighing your options to leave. To paraphrase the book of Proverbs – It is better to live in a moldy, damp, leaking attic than in a beautiful home with a cantankerous man.
ES
Actually, I was going to counseling for a while – she’s actually the one that made me realize that I was dealing with a n all these years. But as I read all these other posts, it kind of scares me because all these other n’s were so mean and nasty but my husband is very subtle about it. Most of the time, it’s not until after something has happened and I’m thinking about it, do I realize what he did and how he twisted things around always making me feel like I was the crazy one..Maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to figure him out. I have been thinking about leaving but unfortunately, one of the side effects of living with someone like that for so long is you start to question yourself and whether you can survive without him/her, so it becomes a very scary prospect. I do realize that it is probably the best thing, not just for me but for my children as well, but like I said, it is a very scary prospect.
The idea of leaving the N is very scary but is the idea of staying and having your children subjected to him worse? Maybe you can return to therapy and together with her, devise a plan for escape. You owe it to yourself and your kids.
ES
Sorry to butt in Cathy but I just wanted to say that I felt exactly as you do before I left my n.
He had worn me down to the point where I couldn’t see how I had been coping with two children, running the house and HIM for all this time. I bet it’s the same for you.
While you’ve been suffering in silence for much longer than I did I just wanted to say that I know you can do this. You can start again. If scared little me can pack my bags , take my kids and go live with a relative while I rebuild from scratch you can do it to.
Jenna: Thank you for commenting, you are not butting in at all. 🙂
ES
Jenna, thank you for your comment. It really does help to know that others have done it and survived. As you know, when you are going through it, you feel so alone and that no one else would understand what you are going through, so hearing about what others have dealt with is very cathartic for me.
While all of this is true I have something to add.
While married to my n I think I saw him have some rare moments of complete self awareness. Once or twice I caught him balled up on the bed crying. I asked him what was wrong and he looked in a complete panic. He said that he didn’t know what was wrong with him and that he wasn’t even sure who he was. I was comforting him the same way I would a child – I think he was genuine.
20 minutes later he was back to his uncharming self but in those moments I think he was being himself.
Wow – that’s really scary. Wonder how a psychologist would define what was happening.
ES
Well my n did have to have a psychiatric evaluation shortly after I walked out on him (he said he’d take the kids if I ever left him, then to damage his case further he took an overdose 2 weeks after I left). He had supervised access only for a year because of this behaviour.
The doc didn’t come to any massive conclusions as that wasn’t really the point of it all (we needed to know if he was dangerous to the kids). The doc said he was like a small boy and that he felt sorry for him. He said he behaved as he did because he felt he wasn’t good enough. In the report it was confirmed that he could only see things from his point of view and that he tried to talk himself out of answering the difficult questions.
I was described as candid and honest. The doc shook my hand and wished me luck. He told me to think before I chose a new man!
I’ll try to keep this brief. But I need to give a few details so that my question will make sense. I met a guy at work December 2011. We started dating and he quickly invited himself to move into my apartment. By New Year’s he was all moved in. I know, dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. He doesn’t help with any expenses, not even groceries. I also added him to my cell plan, and no… not a dime. To be fair, I never asked or demanded anything from him. This is because I soon learned how much debt he was in. He owes everyone from his last girlfriend to the IRS. But it did surprise me that he never offered any help yet he was completely comfortable asking for things he wanted, shoes, clothes, whatever. I quickly realized that he didn’t love me, but was completely head over heels in love with the lifestyle I have afforded him. So I started saying no.
Soon after, the facade fell and the real n showed his face. And when he didn’t get his way huge pouts and tantrums followed. We have been having the same fight at least once a week ever since. He always claims to be a nice guy and he’s bending over backwards to please me and I’m doing nothing to make this relationship work. I am a strong woman, so I don’t let him bully me. And his attempts to control and belittle me have failed. But what threw me off was the way the arguments end. When he realizes that I won’t back down and say I’m sorry or that he’s right, it’s all my fault, all of a sudden he is sick. And he wants me to take care of him. And the next day he wakes up and acts like it never happened and we’re so in love. I was starting to think he had some type of mental illness.
About a month ago I did a search for the general description of the guy living with me (rude, selfish, childish, condescending). And of course NPD popped up. I’ve been researching it nonstop since. I feel much better about the situation now. I know it’s not me. Before I was stressing myself out trying to figure out a way to make him understand that his behavior and words are unacceptable to me. Now I know it’s not possible.
I’ve asked him to leave, but he said no. He wouldn’t let me take the easy way out, that we have to fight for our relationship. Then the guy casually tells me a few weeks ago that he’s still married. His wife never actually filed the papers EIGHT years ago. I stopped all physical contact after that. He gets mad and says it doesn’t matter to him, so it shouldn’t matter to me. LOL. I have no feelings left for him. My problem is that he has threatened to make my coworkers suffer for the breakup. Not physically, but by not taking care of their problems. And I already know he talks about how horrible a girlfriend I am to certain people. I will be leaving this job in about a year. So I’m willing to wait it out to save myself the public drama and embarrassment.
Finally my question is, do you think he’ll eventually get tired of me not giving him what he wants and just leave or will I have to wait until this job ends?
Dear Biding: My feeling is that you will have to wait until the job ends. He will be tireless in doing all he can to get you to give him what he wants. He won’t just leave. He’d lose the easy supply. Even if he is not getting what you say he wants – he enjoys the drama and the tension. The N I knew got his jollies from stalking me. It wasn’t the contact that we’d had as “friends” but he got off on it anyway.
Since you can’t leave the job, you will have to use avoidance whenever you can.
ES
The only way to solve a problem with a person like that to completely ignore them. If they threaten you, report it to the Police, it only when they realize that you have become completely intolerant of them and wish to have no more to do with them do they move away. A narcissists is like an emotional parasite, if the hosts expels them they must find someone else to direct their negative energy towards and you will be left alone at last.
Thank you for your sound advice – however, the victim must keep in mind that with narcissists and psychopaths, when you report them to police and file a RO it often escalates the behavior of the N / P.
ES
I found this poem written by a narcissist who is in therapy. I’m trying to look at it from his perspective. I can’t help but feel compassion.
Wow Julie, Nobody has ever commented on my blog by using a video before! You’re the first.
I’m not sure I will listen to it. I am well past feeling anything but contempt for the N.
ES
I understand how you feel. Watching this video helped diffuse my anger. That’s why I posted it. I hope it helps others.
The video pretty much says that we have to do all the caring….kind of like being in a relationship where we care about them, and they care about them.
Who wants to be in a onesided relationship like that?
ES
My ” N “said there was “no shame to his game” and so how/now
I believe him…
4 years later and I am at the end of my emotional affair with a younger N. I’ve read so much and I am sure he has NPD. We work together which is so bad for me. The hoovering never stops. He is mean And hateful and preyed on me from the start. The sweetest yet saddest guy I had met. He sucked me in with charm and kept me there. He knew exactly what he was doing. I am older, but was so needing to help him. Then things turned mean. Then great. Then mean. It’s been a vicious cycle and the only way to get him to stop was to make sure he knew it was him shutting us down. It took a long time planning but I think I may have finally gotten him to either move on to new NS or focus on his poor, young family. He’s very scary and I work with him so it had to end on his terms. I’ve gone through so much, thinking it was my fault he behaved this way, depressed when his silence started, over and over again. I never wanted him sad or mad. Now I’m at the point where I know he’s no longer my problem. I know him so so well. I know how he gets very mean, feels terrible for his behavior and comes back sweet as always. It’s a terrible loop I’ve been in. It has made me bitter. Hateful. A lot like him. I hate a lot of things now where I once was a happy married gal, now I see meaness in everyone. If I could only wipe him from my memory, go back in time and just say thanks for the sweet comments but I’m married, I would. Nothing. Nothing is worth a relationship with a N. I had so much fun with him, I once said I had no regrets being overly friendly with him. And do I still feel like that? Sad as it, I miss him. And he makes sure of it. I started NC Monday. After he privately humiliated me and didn’t return my call. He gets a “Hi” from me from now on. If that. It’s interesting how one day, you just stop caring. I just hope he figures it out and moves on. As jealous as I will be, I will be thankful for the newbie. Keep him away from me. One thing for sure. He’s ruined me.
Claire:
So sorry. So VERY sorry. I am afraid that if the N at my work had not been moved to a different building and then fired, I would be very much like you. You’ve hit it right on the head with your discriptions of what he’s done to you. I felt ruined and it was not until he was removed was I able to truly start recovering.
The only thing that I can do for you is to pray that he too, will be removed from your environment. There was a time when I thought I should just change jobs and then my stubborness took over and I thought, Why should I have to leave the job I liked? – make him move.
That wasn’t really too hard as he “burned bridges” with people constantly and deeply offended/angered people.
I think he opened his mouth to the wrong one, once too often.
I hope that you will be able to keep up the “just hi” and will get the message loud and clear.
All my best to you –
ES
Hey everyone.
I’ve never opened up online but I couldn’t help it after reading these stories.
I am pretty sure I was involved with an N for three years. I really didn’t know what an N was until recently. I obviously knew he was a very troubled individual who could NEVER be wrong, doesn’t listen to anyone else’s side of the story, tells me to shut the f**k up, calls me any name in the book, thinks it is okay to do so, tells me to stop crying after he MADE me cry with his cruel behavior and words, literally MOCKS me when I cry, etc.
Tells me it’s my fault and he wouldn’t be this way if I didn’t bring it upon myself. He does not respect his mother and treats her basically the same way. He has few friends and has been losing the friends he does have because he can’t communicate with anyone. He is in college but just lazy and not really getting anywhere with it, no job and says he can’t get a job because his dog would miss him (weirdly obsessed with his dog.. probably because he can control him) just so much bizarre behavior.
Reading these posts is just so eye opening and it’s been painful to admit this actually happened to me. I met him when I was 19, and I was ALWAYS a happy, fun girl who never really even cared about guys or if I was in a relationship. I am now 22 and completely miserable and it’s hard to see any hope in the future. All I truly want is for this nightmare to end.
When we first met, I literally thought I met the love of my life and was treated like a Princess and he seemed to adore me. About one month into it, his true colors came out. I was in a normal state of mind back then and I realized things were wrong. Oh how I wish I would have just ran. The first incident was a big fight and him yelling at me, and I ended up crying so hard. About a week later he brought up the fight and said “Have you ever been so annoyed you just wanted to make someone cry? That’s what I was doing to you during our fight.” WHAT? No..I have not ever tried to make someone cry you weirdo!!! I broke up with him about a month into it, and then missed him (of course) because he was so fun and funny.
Things ended up being off and on the rest of our years spent together, I’ve been brutally ignored, cheated on, used for anything I had (my car, money, food).. etc. Things ended about two weeks ago with a huge fight while I was driving (of course) and he was in my passenger seat. A fight that was little but of course turned into something huge. Him screaming at me and degrading me, telling me things would work out if I would just “do what he says.” It pretty much ended by me crying my eyes out and him saying he is “giving up” because we fight too much. It is still hard to wrap my brain around all this “N” crap, and I am still in shock at the things I have been through the past few years.
I would do anything to be the girl I used to be. And somehow I still miss him? Our fun times were the absolute best, but the rest of the time was a nightmare that I seemed to be addicted to. No one really has anything good to say about him, so I know it’s not me. Before I came brainwashed, I would of LAUGHED at someone who put up with a guy like him. But wow is he handsome and charming. *sigh* I wouldn’t wish that crap upon anyone. Luckily I am only 22, and still have so much time ahead of me. I could almost cry reading these stories and seeing that other women have suffered what I have.
Best wishes to all! ❤
Dear Madi:
I am glad that you’ve been able to disengage from the N.
ES
Hi,
I’ve gone through an experience where i am ashamed of myself for being such a fool to make an such a blunder by falling in love in with an N.
Dear Lost:
Welcome. Everyone who reads and or comments on my blog were taken in by a narcissist.
Please realize that you are not the first nor the last to be taken in and deceived by an N.
ES
I want to share my story, but afraid that my identity will be disclosed.
How safe is it?
Because I can’t share my story to anyone and at the same time I am feeling miserable.
I want to let my frustration and doubts……
Dear Lost:
I would never, ever share someone’s identity on my blog.
The only thing you have to remember when you share your story is to change / or not mention names
And
when you are sharing specific situations, be sure that you don’t share the details in such a way that they are identifying.
For example, you would not want to share your exact physical location.
Sometimes I am not able to edit comments to totally protect you. You have to help by not sharing details. (:
Elisse Stuart
Thanks for the reassuring words. I’m thankful I read your blog.
It’s been a few months since I’ve broken the relationship with him.
He was the most amazing and charming person I’ve ever met.
He made my life beautiful and changed my perspective towards life.
I’m still not able to digest the fact that he used me. He was genuine when he shared his feelings or stories.
But from the beginning I got the warning signals and questioned myself whether he had true feelings for me since he was a lot younger than me; but he was so convincing and very practical towards life. Everyone who knew him, liked him and loved to be his friend. He was the most humorous and loving person. But when he gets aggressive, nobody wants to be near him.
It is like he has two faces.
I later on realized that he used to ask for monetary help on one pretext or the other but asked in a very dignified manner and when I questioned him about it he used to get angry and remain silent for days. He blocked me from all the social sites, but then again he would unblock when he wanted something from me and to compensate for that he used to make me feel nice and happy and talked to me and reassured and consoled me from my martial problems and gave advice or guided me.
Since I loved him very much, I ignored all the warnings and signals and forgave him quite a bit a couple of times and let go of my self-respect to cater to his every need. I found that he behaved strangely and diverted the topic or accused me instead of an explanation. He had a way with words.
The point is whether he is an N, or a liar, or a cheater or a fraud? I can’t understand how can a person can act or show his fake feelings continuously for a period of time. He has got a great circle of friends and works for an NGO for animals. The fact that pulled me towards him was the fact that he loved his Mom immensely and was so kind to his fellow people.
Please reply, I still yearn to get back to him, I broke up with him to put a stop to his demands which he cleverly did. I didn’t want the relationship to be based on benefits.
I am in such a state of mind where if he comes back to me, I will take him back.
My life is lonely without him. I can love no one else the way I loved him.
Please advise.
Dear Lost:
Everything that you describe here are classic behaviors of the narcissist and their dysfunctional behaviors.
Here are several “new flashes” that will no doubt break your heart and I’m sorry.
* When he was sharing stories or his feelings….those were someone else’s feeling or stories. N’s often “mirror” their N supply and they make their supply’s story their own. Narcissists are incapable of feelings…in my humble opinion.
*When he talked to you to console you on various situations….he had actually witnessed a “normal human being” say those same words in an actual situation or perhaps from TV. Narcissists mirror what they see around them in order to appear to be “human.”
*They “gaslight” you when they discover that you are on to them. They will divert you from your questions or they will turn around and accuse you of the exact same thing you are questioning them about. Narcissists don’t want to be found out. They are naughty two yearolds caught with their hand in the cookie jar when they are supposed to be in their crib.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist, so I cannot say for sure that he can be labeled with Narcissistic Personality disorder.
Is he a liar, cheater and or a fraud? You Bet’cha…he’s all three. I understand, it is very difficult to wrap one’s normal mind around the fact that there are mentally ill people out there who seem to just want to damage and destroy other people.
“…..fact that he loved his Mom immensely and was so kind to his fellow people…” Sorry, I know what it looked like, like he was a wonderful person, what a great guy….but that was all a lie….
You said it has been a few months….Are you staying No Contact? That means, no social media, no stalking him by looking for him through someone else’s Facebook page, dating sites….you can’t Google him.
You need to start taking care of yourself. If you are staying NO Contact, then your “N Fog” should be clearing and you should be able to see more and more of the deceit that blinded you. The normal human behavior the N shows is not his and he is not human. I hope for your sake, that soon you will be at the stage where he disgusts you.
I hope that you will not go running toward him when he calls again, because he will call on you again and again
(Read Narcissist Curtain Calls) – –
and if you TRULY want to move on with your life, then you are going to have to turn on your heel and RUN as fast as you can in the other direction.
(True Blood reference)
Pretend a rabid vampire with HEP V is chasing you and it is 2 minutes to sunrise.
Please read my advice to others all over my blog in posts and comments – Get exercise, go back to school, renew a hobby you gave up doing because of the N, read, read a self help book, read “Stalking the Soul” you can find it on Amazon.
You say that your life is lonely without him. Really? You enjoyed that “on edge feeling” (that you describe, although not in those words) that he constantly gave you? Normal healthy relationships do not run hot and then cold – being all concerned for you one minute and blocking you from social media the next.
I truly, truly hope that you will not go back running back to him. I hope that you will stand up for yourself and be strong.
All my best,
ES
Dear ES
Thanks for the detail explanation, warning, guidance and counselling which I badly needed.
I am still pacifying and myself that I was misled and not loved.
Though I don’t stay in touch with him, I constantly stalk him and he knows about that too since he is keeping in contact with my kids and my daughter especially.
I’ve put their emotions also at stake as he was working for me and my kids also liked him and got attached to him.
I found that he got a girlfriend and he made it a point that I know about it and it was heart wrecking. It was as though all my energy had sapped out.
Do you think I should warn the girl about his behavior? Because I don’t want any one else to be fooled used and be mentally abused like me. I really feel sorry for her.
I know I’ve sinned and feel miserable about it will take some time for me to despise him.
I want to talk about these type of behavior patterns to be careful the second time.
Do they use or mislead only the people who fall in love with them or everyone?
Are N’s capable of being a genuine to at least to their near ones?
Or do they behave the same way to everyone they come across?
Dear Lost:
Sorry we have had a death in the family as well as job worries and an extremely busy schedule for the last son at home –
No, you should NOT let the “new source of supply – aka girl friend” know what a scum bag, sleaze the Narcissist is. While is commendable of you to want to help her, and I understand you feel bad that she will be abused in the same ways you were, but when you go to warn her, guess what? She’s not going to believe you, and you are going to look like the crazy person. AND THEN – she’s going to tell the N what you said and he is going to bad mouth you from one end of the city to the other. OR, she might just look you in the eye and say that everything you are saying is “sour grapes.” You can’t have the N (you mean, you’ve chosen not to be abused by the N, and to be his floor mat any longer.) so you don’t want anyone else to have him either.
Nope, it is very nice, normal human emotion to want to warn her, but she’s not going to listen to you. Move on.
Please stop thinking that you have sinned and this is your punishment (The N). You didn’t ask to be abused by a mentally ill person, and the Lord God Almighty doesn’t dole out punishment to His children by allowing them to be subjected to sadistic narcissists.
“Do they use or mislead only the people who fall in love with them or everyone?”
Lost Soul: Narcissists use and mislead everyone that crosses their path….to what extent just depends on which way the wind blows – there is no rhyme or reason to it.
“Are N’s capable of being a genuine to at least to their near ones? Or do they behave the same way to everyone they come across?”
Lost Soul: Narcissists are not capable of being genuine – if they ever appear genuine, it just means that they are mirroring another normal human being who’s behavior the N copied. Again, it just depends on how the wind blows if the N is slightly more pleasant to one human to to another human.
ES
pls edit my name
Of course. Your name does not show – Only “Lost Soul.”
ES
Hi ES
Please reply to my queries.
Lost Soul
Dear Lost:
Sorry we have had a death in the family as well as job worries and an extremely busy schedule for the last son at home –
No, you should NOT let the “new source of supply – aka girl friend” know what a scum bag, sleaze the Narcissist is. While is commendable of you to want to help her, and I understand you feel bad that she will be abused in the same ways you were, but when you go to warn her, guess what? She’s not going to believe you, and you are going to look like the crazy person. AND THEN – she’s going to tell the N what you said and he is going to bad mouth you from one end of the city to the other. OR, she might just look you in the eye and say that everything you are saying is “sour grapes.” You can’t have the N (you mean, you’ve chosen not to be abused by the N, and to be his floor mat any longer.) so you don’t want anyone else to have him either.
Nope, it is very nice, normal human emotion to want to warn her, but she’s not going to listen to you. Move on.
Please stop thinking that you have sinned and this is your punishment (The N). You didn’t ask to be abused by a mentally ill person, and the Lord God Almighty doesn’t dole out punishment to His children by allowing them to be subjected to sadistic narcissists.
“Do they use or mislead only the people who fall in love with them or everyone?”
Lost Soul: Narcissists use and mislead everyone that crosses their path….to what extent just depends on which way the wind blows – there is no rhyme or reason to it.
“Are N’s capable of being a genuine to at least to their near ones? Or do they behave the same way to everyone they come across?”
Lost Soul: Narcissists are not capable of being genuine – if they ever appear genuine, it just means that they are mirroring another normal human being who’s behavior the N copied. Again, it just depends on how the wind blows if the N is slightly more pleasant to one human to to another human.
ES
Hi ES.
Thank you so much for replying in-spite of the tight schedule and the loss.
You are right about my interest in warning the girl. I hope to be more careful in the future, this is first time I came across an N, so was not aware about of such characters ever existed. I forgive him and will move on to a brighter future.
Once again thanks for the advice and counselling E S.
Wish I came across this blog earlier.
But there are so many fellow beings who are not aware of N’s.
I don’t think any of us knew that such fake people existed before we were abused by them. We didn’t even recognize the evil that stood before us as a “friend” or more intimate relationship. We certainly didn’t realize that we the N’s next victim. If we had, I am sure that most of us would have ran in the other direction.
All the best to you.
ES
Thank you for putting all this out there. It helps to know that it’s not us who are crazy. Although sometimes the non-narcissist is crazy. I married my narcissist and I didn’t last 30 days with him.
Everything you describe is EXACLTY what I experienced.
Dear No Name,
You are very welcome. The Truth sets us free.
ES