Closure: n. 1 a closing or being closed 2 a finish; end 3 anything that closes
Elude: 1 to avoid or escape from, by quickness, cunning etc; evade
When I sat down to write this post I had hoped it would be helpful to those struggling with the desire for closure and knowing deep down that it would never happen. Instead, what I came up with just looks like ramblings to me.
I recently had an “anniversary” of the demise of my frieNdship with the Narcissist.
The date made me reflect upon the insanity of the N, the drama and the crazy-making behavior that the N displayed, then projected on me. The past few years I have thought about why it was so important for me to get closure from the N. Why was it was so important?
I have never had a relationship end like this. Friendships have ended due to death or one us moving away. As much as one tries, distance can end a friendship – not aways, but sometimes. When boyfriend / girlfriend relationships end it can be a bit tense, but for the most part you are dealing with a fairly normal human being. Not so with the narcissist.
I had never had anyone treat me like the N did. Even in high school, teenage girls were not as spiteful as the N.
Even with all the drama, yes, it had been invented by then….in my high school if someone did not like you, they avoided you or at least were polite but distant.
When my siblings and I fought, which believe it or not was very infrequently, we were ahead of the times, saying things like: “When you say things like that it hurts my feelings” or “When you do __, it makes me feel like __.
Dr. Phil would have been proud.
I wanted answers from the Narcissist – I wanted to know what I had done to make him treat me like he did.
It was my mistake to assume that I had done something to him. I had been a light of normalcy in his sick existence.
Getting any type of closure in a relationship with a narcissist is pointless. No matter how much we want an ending conversation, a final break without any of the bull $^!*…. the N just won’t play.
He will be evasive, passive aggressive and nearly mute. Whenever you think you might be actually “getting somewhere” the N will throw everything back on you. If you try to make grown-up plans to meet – to put a period at the end of the ‘relationship’ it will not end well.. Your attempt at closure will be like reasoning with a defiant 3-year-old, their arms crossed, mean, screwed up face and stomping their little feet while screaming in a rage.
I was foolish to think that the narcissist would have a healthy response and engage calmly and intelligently. I naively believed that he would have regret for his actions. If you think you need to have a doctorate in psychology to be in a relationship with a narcissist – you at least need one when you try to end the relationship.
It has been several years since the D&D that was my breaking point. I didn’t say the last D&D because even though I attempted to have no contact with the Narcissist…he kept coming back. I did my best to avoid him but in doing so it brought the worse out in him and there was even more drama, never any closure.
Closure only happened thanks to Karma. As my IT friend says, “Karma works at the corporate office.”