Sometimes I get fantastic comments to my posts – This is one of those times.
Fanny has been commenting for sometime now and yesterday sent me what is her closure letter to her narcissist if she was going to mail it. We all know that “closure” is something the narcissist is not capable of delivering.
Thank you Fanny for agreeing to share your letter.
A LETTER TO MY NARCISSIST:
It has been exactly 25 days since I hung up the phone on you and cut you out from my life. To me, it is a situation that I knew will happen sooner than later as I no longer felt the sacrifices and efforts that I have put in to our relationship was worth it . You have basically achieved your goal in killing off my love for you. With the realisation that you are a narcissist and that you do not love me, I have all the answers now explaining your despicable behaviour.
The seven years have been a state of confusion and chaos for me. Yes, the idolisation stage was short and sweet and for years I felt intoxicated with your masterful lovemaking and romanticised our ‘love’. I wrongly interpreted your interest in my work and activities as ‘love’ but now I know it is ‘control’ and your unquenchable desire to make use of my contacts and convert them into your source of supply. But from your crazy unexplained rages, dark moods, long silence and erratic demands, you have grown worse every year. Meanwhile, I felt like a person slowly being striped of her energy and pride. Even then, I tolerated the abuse because I thought you loved me and were going through so much yourself just to keep our relationship alive. I wanted to believe I was the only one who understood you. How wrong I was! Little did I know that you needed me and our relationship because of your dire need for narcissistic supply. Everyone you attempted to enslave as secondary source walked away but I stood by you all these years. You could see I have so many good friends and you were not only jealous but you tried to recruit some of them. it has just dawned on me that you made up those stories about my girl friends either because you wanted to isolate me or you were angry that they told me you said improper words to them. You have indeed manipulated me, tricked me and hurt me. When I think of all the situations where I have been managed and exploited by you and knowing now that you obviously hate me and are jealous of me, I feel so shaken. I am convinced now that you had other lovers and you had lied and cheated me.
I guess I must have been a challenge for you and I am sure I am your greatest source of supply. You used my resourcefulness, contacts and money to achieve your needs. To keep you impressed I stupidly , unconsciously always outdid myself in providing you information, gifts , answers to everything you needed and even didn’t know you needed. You hated being dependent on me but you kept pushing the boundary with me but I never failed. What finally broke the camel’s back (mine) was the abuse, ill-treatment and bullying. It confused me but now I know you are a vampire. It’s over. I am done with you and I do not want to continue to be your slave. I don’t really care what you think and how you feel but being a narcissist I am sure you will blame me and as you said earlier, say its my big loss to let you get away. LOL. That’s a joke isn’t it? But the joke is on you because you actually believe it yourself.
Imagine, I suffered for seven years and yet I kept taking the abuse and begging you to take me back each time you dump me. I was walking on eggshells all the time and desperate to please you. You kept me dangling , waiting perpetually to serve you hand and foot. Everyday you had a list of chores for me to do for you. Rain or shine, sick or busy, I had to drop everything to serve you. But you never ask me how I am when I am sick and never cared for me. You were callous with me, selfish and demanding. You didn’t like my friends and took advantage of me financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. I could not fathom why a man could treat his loved one such. Imagine my horror when I stumbled upon the word narcissist this year and discovered the real demon you were. Everything adds up. The evil words you spew on me, your rages, your coldness and you selfishness….. Your actions and the fact that you had no friends and were constantly trying to take advantage of people …..the list is endless. When I think back, I am certain some of the things you asked me to do were in anticipation of blackmailing me in the event I become a problem. You did that on everybody .
It’s been six months since I found out that you are a narcissist and yet I went back to you . But each time you raged at me, I drifted further away and I knew I had to resolve all the loose ends before I could finally walk away. Well…. The day came and I am now free.
Sometimes I feel relieved and happy. Some times I feel sad and miss your false self and dread the loneliness ahead. It’s true that victims of narcissists suffers from inner emptiness but getting a narcissist to fill in the gap is like swallowing poison. I now know I have to keep myself occupied and busy and pamper myself. I keep reading a lot about narcissists and their behaviour because I want to remind myself the person you really are and not revert back to you. Yes… I was addicted to you before but not any more because, I can’t stand your abuse and your humiliation any more. I no longer feel any joy in your presence.
You did try initially to contact me on the pretext of some issues or other but my monosyllables answers clearly shows I am not bothered. I know you are too proud to make contact particularly since I have always been the one to call you after a fight.
Well….. I can imagine that you initially thought I was going to come crawling back. Then you would think you would punish me when I eventually call you. (Boy, do you love your punishments!) Now I know you would have realised it is indeed over but convinced yourself you are better off without me and its my great loss to let you go. There are many younger, beautiful young women waiting to fall for your handsome face, wonderful body and swoon over your masterful lovemaking (these were your own words). You have gotten rid of an old lady like me whose figure has started to sag and memory starting to fade (all your own words ) and you are better off. Oh boy, when I almost believe you were right in saying my memory was failing and you confused me intentionally by denying things you had said, blaming me for things I didn’t commit……..I am only 57 years old and a high corporate CEO of a company . People know me as a smart, capable and strong woman. A leader in the industry. How is it possible that I can allow you to manipulate me and tell me I was suffering from dementia like my 85-year-old dad. How cruel!
But you went too far, taking the challenge of trying to break me made me rebel and question your sanity. You tried to convince me I was stupid and losing my memory. You called me fat but when I lost weight you demanded I put on my weight back immediately!! You said I am old (yet people always say I look good) and you look twenty years younger than your age and women were falling themselves all over you. LOL. But I feel sorry for them.
Guess what? I don’t care. Good luck and good riddance to you. I am lucky to get away by the skin of my teeth and that you have not achieved your goal to destroyed me completely like the vampire you are and ruin me not only emotionally but financially. I don’t want to be bitter or blame myself anymore. I just want to forget you and move on.
I have no need for revenge or closure. It’s a complete waste of my time . Please just fade away from my life.
Well said,I couldn’t have said it better! “God” bless you that you made it out,live,live,live!
I’m glad she is rid of that loser. Sometimes I wonder if we are very weak women. Or perhaps we have no self respect? Why do we stay with these men and take their crap? I did for quite some time. I think it really does say something about who we are and that we need to work on our insecurities. Fanny is a CEO of a company, a bright woman, yet she stayed with the Narcissist for a very long time and even went back to him knowing what he is. I feel as women, we have to respect ourselves more instead of letting men treat as like doormats. Now that I’m not with my N anymore and feel stronger, I look back and wonder why I took his abuse for so long. I mean really …what does that say about me? I feel pathetic.
June: Don’t feel pathetic – That’s how the N would want you to feel.
N’s only target the most lovely, the best, the kindest….people.
You are very worthy – but the N is not worthy of you.
Glad you have put him in your rearview mirrors.
ES
Thanks for saying that Elisse. That may be true but I’ve also read that they target people that have low self-esteem.
Looking back, my self esteem was fine. The N saw someone fresh, full of energy, life and enthusiasm and he moved in for the kill.
Stop beating yourself up June. You didn’t do anything to deserve the abuse from the N. It just happened. You were at the wrong place at the wrong time.
ES
Thanks again. I too, was fresh and full of life. He kept telling me that I had great energy and was always happy. I guess he needed to suck some of that good energy away from me for himself … like a vampire. I will stop beating myself up. 🙂
Good to hear!
ES
Great blog and letter Elisse,
In response to the query about the narcissist seeking women with high self-esteem. I agree with you, he does. From my experience he hates it if you challenge or criticize him as he takes this very personally, and he needs his feel-good supply so he either a) diminishes your self esteem so he feels better or b) makes contact with sources who have lower levels of self esteem, and who accept him without question. But honestly, he won’t have any respect for women that are submissive, even though he is needy of them. I hope this makes sense.
Ariel
Hi Ariel: It makes perfect sense to me.
Thank you for commenting.
ES
My friend was at a Xmas party and my ex Narc was there. He came to the party alone. She told me he looked miserable. When he wasn’t looking, she took some photos of him with her iPhone to show me. Well, she got some very good shots of him looking very unhappy, almost like he was trying very hard not to have a rage attack. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the photos she took. Candid shots reveal a lot. He looked very unhappy, almost scary. I guess she caught him with his mask off!
Interesting.
Just make sure that the unhappy little disordered mentally ill narcisssit does not suck you back in to rescue him. You can’t throw him a rope or a life preserver.
ES
Hi Elisse, he would never try to weasel his way back because I exposed him for what he is. Haven’t heard from him in 8 months. They usually slither away once they know you have figured them out ….at least I hope so.
Julie, you are right because he can’t run those head games on you anymore, they “Flee” and fine another victim. They prey on women who are “Nice” because they are not nice in any fashion, they are “Monsters”! You have showed everyone on this post that you are a “Strong” woman by kicking his N behind to the “Curb.” Don’t you dare take that “Monster” back, he will finish the job, he has in mind for “You.” Those “Monsters” don’t know love, all they do is “Destroy” everyone and everything in their “Path.” I’m very “Proud” of “You!!” Don’t look “Back!” We are the ones who really have the “Power” because they need “Us” for that NS, take your “Power” back and refused to give it back “Up” to that “Slime Ball.” Hold your head up “High” and walk “Proud” he’s the “Loser”.
Thanks Soul for being so supported of other readers.
ES
Thank you Soul4Real, I feel empowered!! 🙂
You’re welcome! You’re “Empowered.” You left that “Loser.” You over came the “Devil” himself…..Stay strong, women have got to stick together and support one another. I will never go back to “Hell” with that “N” I was with, there’s not that much love on the “LoveBoat”…….;))
Hi Elisse!
I was reading your archived post, “Missing the Narcissist”, and you gave me a really wonderful idea! I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all struggled with trying to understand how this pathological liar can be in the same being as that perfect person we first met. I think for me that accepting that this person didn’t exist doesn’t cut the mustard. Yes, I know that’s the truth, but the truth is also the way he made me feel…MY feelings were real, even if the things that he did and said which caused me to feel them weren’t.
I think I’m going to have a funeral/memorial service for the guy that never was. He DID exist to ME. I”m going to give myself permission to remember that person and to grieve their death…because that person I fell in love with (even though they weren’t real) is dead.
Maybe that’s the way to reconcile this constant back and forth between the illusion I fell in love with and the reality of what he really is.
What do you think?
Dear BB:
I’m not a psychologist, but I think that it is a very emotionally healthy idea.
Let me know how it plays out.
ES
WOW, what an amazing and powerful letter. It was like reading my own story with my N and I felt empowered reading it, if I knew my Ex N would read a letter from me I would send one but, I know he would just delete it as he couldn’t care less if I fell off the face of the Earth.
I am 54yrs old, an IT consultant (in a former life) and was CEO of my own computer company until I moved interstate to care for my Mother, who suffered from Alzheimer’s Disease, and my Father who had severe brain damage from a cerebral haemorrhage.
My N would often suggest that I was developing Alzheimer’s, ‘You are just like your Mother’ he would say if I forgot where I put something and, he would often say to me ‘don’t expect me to look after you if you get sick’.
He would also purposely confuse me, to the point where I was really concerned that I may be developing Alzheimer’s, it was a constant concern to me but I know now, after living alone, that there is nothing wrong with my memory and I am still as sharp as ever.
N would often comment that I was a useless human being as I had not had a job for 8 yrs…. I could not convince him that caring for two invalid parents was a full time job (I met N after my Father passed away and my Mother went into full-time care but I would visit her every day to feed her. I was also a volunteer for our local tourism info centre)
My Ex N would make cruel comments on my weight, even though I had gone up a size in clothing from a size 8au to a size 10au, I knew for my age that I was not fat. I would lose weight and he would tell me that I was too skinny and that he didn’t like skinny women… ‘what the hell do you like?’ I would think to myself!
Thank you for posting that letter, I feel stronger and stronger every day that I am away from him and with the help of reading these survivors stories, his image is slowly fading in my mind. I see him as not the man I fell hopelessly in love with anymore but a hideous, insidious, soul destroying, grubby little troll. (even though he was 6ft 5in tall)
I would like to add another (of many) disturbing things my N would say, he always referred to me as ‘you women’ (when I wasn’t referred to as ‘the idiot’) I never felt that I was a singular (someone special) in his life but rather a gender and nothing more, his derogatory remarks seemed to be targeted, not only at me but, at all women…. maybe because he sees women as easy targets, I am not sure.
I have never ever met someone who was so full of himself as he was, as I said in my previous post, he was 6ft 5in tall and has been a firefighter for 30yrs, he loved to tell me stories of all the women who flock to him when he was in uniform and that he could have anyone he wanted, he often told me that I was very lucky to be the ‘chosen one’ and, I am ashamed now to say this but, I was very proud of him and proud to be with him.
Obviously N’s choose their victims very carefully, I have always considered myself as a very intelligent and strong womAn so to have fallen for this N’s charms and Bulls..t has completely destroyed any ounce of self worth and dignity that I have ever had.
I know in time my wounds will heal but the scars shall run extremely deep, I can only hope that I learn from this experience and recognize any other N’s which attempt to infiltrate my life and run away at full speed with my dignity and self worth intact.
Dear BB,
I read your post in tears, I think your idea of having a funeral/memorial service for your ‘Guy that never was’ and to grieve for the man (the love) you fell in love with is a wonderful idea, I know exactly how you are feeling as I loved my N with a passion and a love that I have never known before. Our feelings were real and we were not living the lie but they were. I am grieving for the the good times that we shared (there were some wonderful times in the beginning) and for the love that ‘I’ felt for him, it was unconditional and I loved his perfect imperfections (apart from the abuse) so to bury ‘the love that was’ is a valiant thing to do.
Love and Peace to you
Susan.