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Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

 

Sometimes I get my ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  I call these my FAQ’s – Frequently Asked Questions.

Deja vu:  I wrote this nearly three years ago and it describes so well the frequently asked question I receive at least once a week from people trying to understand the N in their life.  I’ve dug up this dinosaur and brought it into 2011. 

A pink spoon means one thing…Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors.  I’ve had my favorite flavors since childhood, & I have a drawer full of those pink spoons at home.  It’s not because we go out for ice cream very often, but because I save the spoons.  They are very useful.  I use them for all sorts of projects, rubber stamping, mixing paint, even for serving the cat’s dinner.  When at my wit’s end, I’ve even used them for getting that reluctant child to try some new kind of food…even a bite of some dreaded vegetable tastes good on a pink spoon.  (Don’t worry, it’s not the one I used for the cats.)

So – You might be asking yourself what does a pink spoon have to do with NPD?  A Narcissist views people as disposable; they are ‘pink spoons’.  To a N, people are things, not friends, family or lovers.  He will use people (aka his victims/targets) as long as they serve a purpose for him, as long as they make him look good, as long as they agree with him.

People provide the N with what is called “Narcissistic Supply”  (NS).  Relationships mean nothing to the N; he is incapable of loving anyone let alone even showing one iota of concern for someone.  He can NEVER be emotionally involved with another person.  A Narcissist will use someone for whatever reason, for whatever purpose, as long as they are a good source of NS for him.  Break his rules & suffer the consequences.  This ‘devaluing’ is repeated over and over again.

It’s not hard to break the N’s rules.  They are varied and change sometimes daily.  What makes him rage one day, might make him smirk another.  Question his decision?  Ask him to repeat what he just told you?  Chances are you will get so much ‘Word Salad’ that you will wish you ordered something else on the menu.  You quickly learn to be quiet.  You don’t question anything, especially his statements that deep down you know are lies.  Most importantly, you have to agree with everything he says.

One might think to themselves, what kind of pansy stays in this kind of a relationship?  Obviously, I asked my self that same question.  The only thing that I can tell you is that there was a pathology going on that I still do not understand.  I am trying to understand why I was a target for an individual like this.  (I can’t bring my self to call him a person, my cats have more humanity than he does.)

It was very grievous for me when I realized that I was just a ‘pink spoon’ to The N.  I was only a thing.  How could someone who was my friend suddenly stop, do an about face, and treat me like dog s**t on his shoe?  After having been idolized, I was consistently devalued over time, and then, finally, abruptly discarded.  I was dumbfounded.  I had no clue what my crime was that deserved this punishment  I was something that he threw in the trash along with the used Kleenex & dental floss, without a moment’s hesitation. (I was going to say condom, but I doubt that he could get past the “first courtesy date” to need one….)

While The N discards his NS when he is done with them, I appreciate the richness of quality that people bring to my life.  They are important; like pink plastic spoons, they are useful, they are valuable, they are worthy, not something to be used once and then cast aside.

 

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Deep Thoughts

 1.  I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.  Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I take back all those times I didn’t want to take a nap when I was younger.

4.  There is great need for a “sarcasm” font.

5.  How the heck are you supposed to fold a  fitted sheet?

6.  Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.  Map Quest really needs to start  their directions on # 5.  I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8.  Obituaries would  be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9.  I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10.  Bad decisions make good stories.

11.  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything else productive for the rest of the day.

12.  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?  I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13.  I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.  I  keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15.  I think  the freezer deserves a light as well.

16.  I  disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17.  I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option…

18.  I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom, dehydration and hunger.

19.  How many times is it appropriate to  say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20.  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21.  Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

22.  Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time  it is.

23.  Even under ideal conditions people  have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and  finding their cell phone but I’d bet everyone can find and push the  snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24.  The  first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. 
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

25.  Don’t blog an entire post without hitting “Save Draft” at least every paragraph or so.  Nothing sucks more than losing your most brilliant post ever when the computer freezes. 

26.  I get the biggest kick out of my husband announcing the sale prices in the Michael’s Craft store ads. 

27.  Why is it on the hottest day of the year, all the ice cube trays in the freezer are empty?  The “ice cube fairy” has a lot to answer for – or is she holding a grudge since the freezer does not have a light?

28.  Just when you think you’ve managed to eat without getting something on yourself, the last bite lands right smack dab on the center of your chest.

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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change that I have too much stuff….

Courage to change the things I can to throw the stuff away

And the Wisdom to know the difference that this part of the journey is only a brief side trip.

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I stood in my kitchen this past Saturday morning, stirring my coffee and wondering where does one start when packing up 20 + years of life and memories? 
It was early, before 7 a.m. and as I looked down at the floor, I saw the shadow of Max walk by…even the shadow of his tail looked fluffy. “Hi buddy,” I said…and then I remembered. 
I smiled, something that I had not done for several days. 
You see, Max died on Saturday, January 2nd, between 4 and 6 am. 

Max stumbled when he walked in the door after sitting outside on the patio the morning of the 29th of December.  My husband and I exchanged worried looks of concern and immediately drove to the vet; Max was put on an IV, the vet felt a mass in Max’s belly that his technician was going to try and “tap” to determine what it was.   

Wednesday, the vet called to tell us that Max had cancer.  Our doctor wanted to know if we wanted to take Max home and spend some more time with him. 
Of course we did.  The first evening, Max ate a little bit and even sat on Sam’s Bakugan game board and tried to look interested in what Sam was saying.  Max tapped one of the balls with a paw. 

After that he slowed down more each day; he stopped eating and drinking. I started using an eye dropper to give him sips of water.  
How ironic. 
(When Max first arrived home with Hubby nearly 14 years ago, I had to feed Max with an eye dropper because he was so young, he still should have been nursing.) 

We prepared Sam for the fact that Max was not going to get better.  We all took turns holding Max and keeping him warm.  At night, I slept on the couch and kept my hand on him to make sure he knew I was there. 

By New Year’s Day, it was evident that we would be going to the vet’s office the next morning so that a shot could be administered.  The vet had assured us that Max was not in pain, but that death would not come without assistance.  By the evening of January 1st, Max could no longer walk, so I would change the thick towel we kept under him, since he could not get up to use the kitty box. 

Late that evening, he began to whimper every few minutes.  Finally sometime before 2 am, I was able to get him comfortable.  With my head pounding with a migraine, I gave him a kiss, told him we all loved him and I went to lay down in bed for awhile. 

At four in the morning, I went to check on him.  He was warm and he moved one of his cute little paws when I stroked his fur.  At 6:30 a.m. he was gone. 

I know that the phantom images of Max will not continue in our new place, so I am grateful for the vision I had early Saturday morning. 

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In the Sunday Edition of the Seattle Times, they have a feature called Rants and Raves. 
I love it. 
I have been reading this column off and on for the past 14 years. 
Whenever I am in Seattle or when I check out the paper on line, this is the first section I go to. 
Seattle residents might talk about the woman they saw, who didn’t put her child in a car seat or the young pre teen boy who held the door open for an elderly woman. 

I have my own Rant and Rave for today. 

Rave goes to the sweet woman in the craft store who gave me her extra coupon.  Thanks again.  I was standing in line at the store when I had a “V-8” moment remembering that I didn’t check the Sunday paper for the ad.  This kind woman saved me 40% off my entire order. 

Rant to the woman in the Costco parking lot. 

No, I didn’t want your parking place. 
It was not necessary to cuss me out from your car and the additional hand motions were not necessary either. 
I am guessing you are either Type – A personality or Italian….or both.  (I’m Italian, don’t send letters.)
As you later realized, I was waiting for the dear, white haired couple to move out of the way before I passed….I have a rule about not hitting pedestrians.
Especially since the elderly gentleman was wearing a baseball cap with a WW II veteran insignia. 
We don’t have many of them left. 
Gosh, what would you have done if I had gotten out of my car to thank him and shake his now, feeble hand on this Memorial Day weekend?

I drove by your precious parking place. 
I wouldn’t have dreamed of taking your spot; besides, I got one.
Two spaces from the door.

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cup_and_sauce_with_chair_and_its_shadow_4 

 

There was an extra chair at the conference table today. 
Empty. 
No Narcissist in sight
No reason given for the absence. 
I’m filled with gratitude.

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595777cup-of-coffee-by-various-foreign-newspapers-postersI have to attend a meeting this week. 
In and of itself, that’s not a bad thing. 
Hot coffee, a comfortable chair, maybe some chocolates scattered on the conference table for sampling…..

Sitting in the same room as the Narcissist….?  Not so much. 
I have been NC (No Contact) for so long now, I have lost count of how many months at this point.  And I have been enjoying every moment of it, let me tell you. 

I know it will sound bad, but I am trying to think of ways to NOT go to this meeting. 
Headache, sick child, sick myself, a hang nail…
I don’t want to mention car issues…my car is running great….knock on wood, Formica, Plexiglass….

I really don’t want to see the *%) #*+(, much less be in the same room with him. 

Some of my friends have told me to suck it up, dress up and pretend the *&^ (*) #%^*> doesn’t exist while being in the same room.  This will be a true test of all these months of research, therapy and blogging. 
I’ll let you know how it goes.

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