Posts Tagged ‘FAQ's’

I’ve had several readers ask me off site – Which is worse a male N or a female N?

While I had experiences with a male N, many of you were targets of a female N.  I have taken the liberty to copy and paste the answer to this question posed to Sam Vankin at “Suite 101.” Sam gets all the credit for the passage below.  I don’t want anyone to have “twisty ears.”

Many of you maybe aware that Sam is a narcissist and believe it or not he gets his Narcissistic Supply by helping other human beings who are the victims of narcissists.  Go figure.
Sam uses “Seventy-five cent” words so you may (I know I do) have to read through his writings slowly to grasp his intent.

Frequently Asked Question # 34

The psychodynamics of male and female narcissists are the same.

Women narcissists differ only in the choice of sources of narcissistic supply which often conforms to traditional gender roles and in the willingness to attend therapy


Are female narcissists any different? You seem to talk only about male narcissists!


I keep using the male third person singular because most narcissists (75%) are males and more so because there is little difference between the male and female narcissists.

In the manifestation of their narcissism, female and male narcissists, inevitably, do tend to differ. They emphasise different things. They transform different elements of their personalities and of their lives into the cornerstones of their disorder.

Women concentrate on their body (many also suffer from eating disorders: Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa). They flaunt and exploit their physical charms, their sexuality, their socially and culturally determined “femininity”. They secure their Narcissistic Supply through their more traditional gender role: the home, children, suitable careers, their husbands (“the wife of…”), their feminine traits, their role in society, etc.

It is no wonder than narcissists – both men and women – are chauvinistic and conservative. They depend to such an extent on the opinions of people around them – that, with time, they are transformed into ultra-sensitive seismographs of public opinion, barometers of prevailing social fashions, and guardians of conformity. The narcissist cannot afford to seriously alienate his “constituency”, those people who reflect his False Self back to him. The very proper and on-going functioning of the narcissist’s Ego depends on the goodwill and the collaboration of his human environment.

True, besieged and consumed by pernicious guilt feelings – many a narcissist finally seek to be punished. The self-destructive narcissist then plays the role of the “bad guy” (or “bad girl”). But even then it is within the traditional socially allocated roles. To ensure social opprobrium (read: attention), the narcissist exaggerates these roles to a caricature.

A woman is likely to label herself a “whore” and a male narcissist to self-style himself a “vicious, unrepentant criminal”. Yet, these again are traditional social roles. Men are likely to emphasise intellect, power, aggression, money, or social status. Women are likely to emphasise body, looks, charm, sexuality, feminine “traits”, homemaking, children and child rearing – even as they seek their masochistic punishment.

Another difference is in the way the genders react to treatment. Women are more likely to resort to therapy because they are more likely to admit to psychological problems. But while men may be less inclined to DISCLOSE or to expose their problems to others (the macho-man factor) – it does not necessarily imply that they are less prone to admit it to themselves. Women are also more likely to ask for help than men.

Yet, the prime rule of narcissism must never be forgotten: the narcissist uses everything around him or her to obtain his (or her) Narcissistic Supply. Children happen to be more attached to the female narcissist due to the way our society is still structured and to the fact that women are the ones to give birth. It is easier for a woman to think of her children as her extensions because they once indeed were her physical extensions and because her ongoing interaction with them is both more intensive and more extensive.

This means that the male narcissist is more likely to regard his children as a nuisance than as a source of rewarding Narcissist Supply – especially as they grow older and become autonomous. Devoid of the diversity of alternatives available to men – the narcissistic woman fights to maintain her most reliable Source of Supply: her children. Through insidious indoctrination, guilt formation, emotional sanctions, deprivation and other psychological mechanisms, she tries to induce in them a dependence, which cannot be easily unravelled

But, there is no psychodynamic difference between children, money, or intellect, as Sources of Narcissistic Supply. So, there is no psychodynamic difference between male and female narcissist. The only difference is in their choices of Sources of Narcissistic Supply.

There are mental disorders, which afflict a specific sex more often. This has to do with hormonal or other physiological dispositions, with social and cultural conditioning through the socialization process, and with role assignment through the gender differentiation process. None of these seem to be strongly correlated to the formation of malignant narcissism. The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (as opposed, for instance, to the Borderline or the Histrionic Personality Disorders, which afflict women more than men) seems to conform to social mores and to the prevailing ethos of capitalism. Social thinkers like Lasch speculated that modern American culture – a narcissistic, self-centred one – increases the rate of incidence of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As Kernberg observed:

“The most I would be willing to say is that society can make serious psychological abnormalities, which already exist in some percentage of the population, seem to be at least superficially appropriate.”


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Sometimes I get my ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  I call these my FAQ’s – Frequently Asked Questions.

I was asked this question recently and I didn’t even have to come up an answer – the Seattle Times did it for me.  This is only the second case that I have heard of where the victim was actually a professional, well-educated individual with the finances to leave her abuser.  But as you will read, even those resources did not aid the victim in her escape.  After reading this, now I don’t know if I would ever recommend that the victim instigates the leaving of the Narcissist – It should only be done if the victim has an escape plan.  Read what happened when the victim in the article below tried to leave her abuser.  Terrifying.  Be sure you read some of the over 100 comments…..

A woman was tormented for 8 years before calling 911, prosecutors say –
The wife of a Snoqualmie man charged with domestic violence endured eight years of abuse, but it wasn’t until he threatened her dog that she called police, court documents allege.

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I must say this is one of the more amusing questions I have been asked. 
I would have to say, of all the names that the Narcissist is called…(most of which could not be posted here, as I do try to keep it clean)…to call the N a “Dirty Dog” would be one of the nicest things to call him….LOL

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   Sometimes I get my ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  I call these my FAQ’s – Frequently Asked Questions. 

Being a mom I have read lots of picture books –
When I saw this search item term the first thing that popped into my head was this picture book titled:  “How do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?”    

When my youngest was little we had several of the How Do Dinosaur… books.  These are delightful books, they are fun to read and once your child is 18 months to 3 years they can start recognizing the “environmental” words and begin reading along with you.  We read all the time throughout the day, not just at bedtime and all the boys had their favorite books.  By the time all of them had reached three years old there were many books that they had “memorized.”  At least that’s what I thought until one day I decided I would skip pages and have one of my sons read part of the story out-of-order.
Would he remember the story just from the pictures?  Matthew didn’t miss a beat or a word and thought that Mom was pretty tricky mixing up the story.  We had just gotten a shipment of our Dr. Seuss books in the mail so I handed one of the books to Matt to see what he could do.  He read it cover to cover, cold, with no prompting. 
Proud, teary eyed Mom moment. 
Moral of the story:  Read to your kids. 

The How do Dinosaurs…books are written by Jane Yolen.  We don’t have all of them – but I believe that they were all illustrated by Mark Teague.  The illustrations are lovely; as you can see above.  I love that dinosaur face. I am expecting a giant-sized temper tantrum at news that it is bedtime. 
Some of the titles include:   How do Dinosaurs Eat their Food/ Go to School / Clean Their Rooms / Learn Their Colors.  
I remember reading How do Dinosaurs Get Well Soon not too long ago when Sam was sick. 
We both laughed at the dinosaur throwing his dirty tissues on the floor. 
Next time you need a gift for your favorite little person pick up one of these special books. 

My apologies to Ms. Yolen but when I read through the titles of her wonderful picture books I was reminded that many of them could not apply to a narcissist. 

You’ll never see a picture book titled:  
How do Narcissists Say ‘I Love You’? 
(They wouldn’t know HOW to say those words.)
How do Narcissists Love Their Dogs / Cats?  (News flash:  Narcissists hate animals.) 
How do Narcissists Play with their Friends?  (They Devalue and Discard them – that’s how!)  

How Do Narcissists say “I’m sorry?” 
Answer: They don’t. 
End of Story…..

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    Sometimes I get my ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  I call these my FAQ’s – Frequently Asked Questions. 

How long will it take the guy (the narcissist) to miss you if there’s no contact?

People people, work with me here!!

The point of No Contact is not to make the narcissist crazy with longing for you – remember he’s crazy to begin with!
This isn’t some sort of game we’re playing.  The purpose of No Contact is to give you, the victim relief, space, a time to heal,  because you need to get as far away from the narcissist as possible.  To be fair, there are females who are narcissists, substitute the appropriate pronoun.

No Contact gives you your sanity back.  Give No Contact some time and the “N Fog” will clear.  You will wonder why you stayed in a “relationship” with him as long as you did.  You’ve been severely abused by a narcissist.  In my humble opinion, all n’s are psychopaths – they may not live with their mother (her dead body in a room upstairs) run a hotel and come into guest’s rooms with a butcher knife – but they are still, psychos!  Do you get it?  I think many of us are lucky to be alive.  No exaggeration.

Why in the name of all that is holy, do you want this gutter snipe to miss you!  He is not what you thought he was, he is false.  Nothing that he presented to you was true, all those lovely qualities that so entranced you in the beginning – those were all the attributes that he absorbed from worthwhile human beings and he isn’t one of them!  Human or lovely.  Some of those qualities that you saw in him that you thought were so special?  They were – no doubt your own qualities that he was mirroring back to you.

If you were the one to leave the N –
and in doing so thought that it would give him something to think about — that it would make him wake up and change his behavior to come groveling back to you – Think again!

He woke up all right – looked and saw that his eager, willing, worthless, doting floor mat was gone.  He probably said, “Damn, now I have to go and cultivate new supply – Eh, I was too good for her anyway…”

If the N discarded you – (how many times does this make?) his reaction was the same.
Try to grasp this concept, however sick and twisted – The. Narcissist. Doesn’t. Care.  He/She – Does.  NOT.  Miss. You!

How long will it take the Narcissist to miss ?
The narcisssist is NEVER going to miss you!


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I knew when I admitted that I saw the narcissist’s eyes change color in my post “FAQ:  Can you really tell a Narcissist by his Eyes?” that I needed to be prepared for some unique comments.  Nearly all of the comments validated me and my experiences. But here’s the one I had been expecting: 

Ok…question. I don’t believe myself to be a N and asked my fiance’ to be sure…but if I go into a fit of rage my eyes, white included, turn completely black. A girl I dated once actually looked into them and swore it was like looking into the night sky….all black with what looked like star…white dots.
I only go into such a rage when the ones I love or those who are to weak to defend themselves are threatened. It’s only happened maybe 5 times in my life. I’m 24, male.
Any ideas as to why? Any answers are welcome…I….I just want to know whats wrong with me. I don’t remember any of the moments while my eye were like that save the one previously mentioned. I become crazy strong and fast….very….well, deadly. It scares me and those I love.
Please….anything would be a great help.

Dear Don’t Believe: 

You either need to find a good ophthalmologist QUICK or…what it really sounds like to me – you have been watching too many re-runs of the X-files on Chiller. OR…Season Two of True Blood. 
If your eyes are turning completely black perhaps you have what Scully & Mulder called “the black oil”
Thank you for my comedy relief for the month.

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FAQ:  Do narcissists realize what they are?

Would a narcissist take his camping chair and steal away to an isolated peaceful pond to sit quietly to reflect on his life/deeds/words?

Would he make a fearless moral inventory of himself and resolve to make amends to anyone he had harmed by his callousness?


I don’t think he is capable of that much introspection.  I guess that is probably good for him in a way.  If N’s had the ability to care about others, if the were able to realize how much harm they have caused other people, if they knew how much other people hated to deal with them, even for a moment…I doubt they would be able to live with themselves.

(Which I guess would be a good thing….they wouldn’t be walking the earth.)

No, they think that we (the victims) are the ones to blame, for everything.  Everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault.  The N can do no wrong.  Just like the preschooler who gets caught being naughty, he quickly looks for someone else to blame…even if it’s his teddy bear.

Whenever I read a post from a person who is afraid that he/she has become like his/her Narcissist – I will frequently comment to assure them that if they were becoming like the N, they certainly wouldn’t be worried about it.  They certainly wouldn’t be asking.

Do I think that the N might ever have an epiphany and realize what a scum bag he is?  Could he develop a conscious and repent from how he has abused anyone having the misfortune of knowing him?

Not in a million years.

The photo above is entitled “Hidden Depths.”
There is no depth to a Narcissist, but there is a great deal that is hidden…especially from their “supply.”

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