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Posts Tagged ‘Liars’

Follow the link to read about the warning signs that tell you are dating a Loser!

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

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Today is the annual blood drive in my office.
I didn’t think much about it at first until I remembered that the N used to make such a big deal out of making his appointment.
He told me that his blood was “special” – that the Red Cross wanted his blood for babies.
I was not quick enough to ask him, “Vampire babies?”

It was after a blood drive some years ago, that the N told me he had an STD.
TMI Dude!
A casual lunch time topic, right?
Just then I started to see through the ‘dense patch of N-fog’, I said, “How on earth does the Red Cross justify giving your tainted blood to precious newborns?” He glared at me and stormed out of the lunch room.
His twisted lies gave me whiplash.
Does no one ever question them on their lies?

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    I received the following comment a few days ago.  It was written with much thought and is very clear and concise.  I’ve been in contact with it’s writer and he has agreed to let me post it to the “front page”.  Sometimes I get great, thoughtful comments and they are buried deep in the comments on a post.  His response needed to be brought to the surface. 
Elisse Stuart

 

Q. What’s worse than a narcissist?
 A. An intelligent narcissist.

(Narcissistic) Curtain Calls…best metaphor I’ve heard in ages!  MY STORY…I can only give examples from the recent experience I’ve had with my now, ex girlfriend, (Yes, I am a man, girls – it happens to us guys as well) who I believe is a ‘covert narcissist’.  Someone who would cover up the arrogance by being the opposite.  She appears shy, like a wall flower. Wouldn’t hurt a fly, very endearing, very well liked in our circle of friends. However we are talking anout a wolf in sheep’s clothing… she has a very highly specialized status job in the city and is EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT.  How she works as part of a team, I don’t know.  She doesn’t really work in a team, it seems like she runs everything including her boss and I’ll get to the boss later in the story.
I lived and loved her for over 2.5 years.
She was never wrong, didn’t take criticism at all well. We never argued, which is not good in a relationship.  And I think this is more of avoidance than anything else.
No empathy, no remorse, working always to her agenda blaming others and failure to take responsibility for her actions.

IN THE BEGINNING… We were members of the same amateur dramatic group.  I liked her, she was attractive, sassy full of life etc.. and friends we were talking at in the pub after shows etc.  She approached me, told me her current relationship wasn’t right and she wanted to end it.
And in all honesty she told me about her dodgy past.  But now on my reflection.. how much of it was truth or being economical with the truth?  Down is up, up is down.  And she told me she was (and still is) having therapy.. now there’s a thought.
I knew I was taking a massive risk with this person as she didn’t seem to ‘know herself’.
But in life we take risks… if we don’t, we will not know ourselves’ and will remain emotionally stunted.
I went for it and became the new lover or source if you like.  She left her partner within weeks, so there wasn’t much ‘overlap’ as I didn’t want to be the ‘other man’.  I didn’t feel good about myself while we were carrying on etc.

She moved into a rented a house.  I said ‘have some space, time on your own’
No. She wanted me now, I was the love of her life etc…etc.  We all know where this is going.  She had her house and I had mine.  Although I spent all my time round at hers.

The thing is – narcissists can’t stand on their own 2 feet.
They have to have someone.  She is so insecure.
They have to have a support network, we all need people in our life’s, family friends, spouse etc. but you’ll find N’s are people junkies they like to have lots of people that they can tap into.  And when it ain’t going their way they’ll dump you.
I believe she chose me because at the time I was strong.  I told her that I was divorced, had managed to sell a very big house and purchase 2 smaller houses one for me and one for my ex-wife and my 3 children.  That impressed her.  And she knew I could help her move on to the next stage in her life and help rebuild her life ie. get out of the old relationship move and buy a house etc.
I am very good at fixing things DIY and a good organiser etc.  I did an awful lot for her.

MY whole life changed!!!

At first the love or as I thought it was love, was ‘euphoric’.  It was just something else, so wonderful something I have never experienced before. I felt loved.  The sex was just amazing.  After a few months it was a leap year 2008 and in Feb she asked to marry me.
I was very flattered no woman has ever asked.  I always did the asking and I had only ever asked twice before (1. my ex-wife and 2. one other lover years ago and she said no).  Alarm bells were ringing because she had only been out of relationship for a short while and now wanted to marry me.  It all sounds very nice but a bit juvenile for someone that’s 40.  But I was so in love etc…etc.

The first year was great.  But something wasn’t right IT WAS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.  It felt like I was dealing with the emotions of a child rather than an adult. Weird.
Sometimes she would be staring at me (lovingly) and end up walking into something.
Talk of ‘never leave me’ ‘always and for ever’ etc. etc. lots and lots of it. little notes left about the house which is all normal she couldn’t get enough of me.  I know that people in love do all this stuff but it all so gushing that’s the only way to describe it.  And I was hooked.

This was the idealization stage.
On the gift giving, there were lots of gifts, spontaneous.  (Beware of Greeks bearing gifts!) I gave back in return lots of love. love letters, gifts, flowers etc…etc.

My kids got to know her kids and they all got on great.  We had our first holiday together along with another friend and her children, which now I think was her secondary NS.  The more I write about this the more I understand the nature of the person I was dealing with.
The NS has to be on their best behaviour at first.  Thing is why did she pick me??.. she must have had other suitors… But I obviously had something that she lacked…

She did have pics of friends family etc. all seemed normal.
But no long-term friends like Uni friends etc.  In fact she would criticise them.
Then almost overnight came the depression, self loathing.  The silence. She wouldn’t open up tell me what was wrong. It was like an emotional wall.
Is this common in narcissists?
I felt like I was in the wrong perhaps it’s me that’s getting her down.  What can I do to make things better?  Why is she like this?  Why doesn’t she talk to me about what’s bothering her.
One thing they are afraid of, is intimacy.
I mean real intimacy.
Talking about real problems.  She never really talked about me, to me ie. How do feel about your brothers illness? What went wrong with your other female relationships?  Lets go and see some of your friends in your home town etc. It was always about her… and her agenda.  Never about me.  I felt lost I felt I was changing, disoriented.  I was losing my identity.  I was so desperate to make this relationship work I was changing myself into something I thought she wanted me to be.  She fed me, we slept together, the sex became less frequent, less passionate and I would always have to initiate it.
We never argued.. now I think she was afraid that would lead to her revealing her true self..
Am I right??

My ex-wife contracted breast cancer late 2009… I joking said “well, we may have to buy a big house and all of us live together your kids my kids”…and I know that scared her.  Intimacy and commitment. An adult would say something like ‘well I’m not sure if I can do that.. or I’m not ready for this.. lets talk about this and find a solution etc’.  But she didn’t.
They can’t confront real issues.  It’s like dealing with a child who isn’t getting the right sort of candy.  What happens – a tantrum – but she can’t have a tantrum, because the real person will come out.. Writing this all down is helping me make sense of it all.

It felt she was the flat tyre and I was the pump. It was exhausting. She rarely projected. On occasions I would get the blast of something that I had done, that was my fault but in the middle of something else, she was trying to come to terms with. So it was out of context.  Oh my God when she was angry you knew about it (where’s the wall flower now?). So now we on to the next stage ‘devaluation’. She would dig at me about my age or doing something that was a ‘dad thing’ or undervaluing my achievements.  From no provocation whatsoever.  No matter what I did to try to please her, it wasn’t enough.  I felt I was becoming a person she wanted me to be.  I was going insane.  It was give, give, give and nothing coming back.  So I tried to detach myself abet for my own well being.

Then came the discarding.
One night she just dumped me.  No explanation, nothing. ‘ We have no future’ that’s all I got.  I was devastated.  There was no closure.
I had no contact with her for 8 weeks, then we met in a pub by accident and she told me that she still loves me.  Let’s try to patch things up.  And like a mug I tried.  God did I get the runaround, only to find out after few weeks at trying to ‘patch things up’ and make some sense of the past 2.5 years that she’s now found the love of her life and it’s her boss that she’s worked with for 13 years.  He’s left his wife.  She (my exN) loves him but he doesn’t know it.. yeah right.  She is a good liar.
She has done this cycle of partners 3 times, including me as far as know.  With overlap basically forming the next relationship before ending the last one.  Nice person.  And then string me along so in case it doesn’t work out she’ll carry on with me.

Now there’s no contact and there never will be.  I’ve had a lucky escape.  But at a cost.  I am in my recovery mode at the moment but each day gets better.

Conclusion:
The Narcissist –
Feels entitled to do whatever they like.
Uncaring. (May show that they care but if it has no benefit to them they don’t care).
Fears abandonment.
Cannot stand on their own 2 feet.
Feels superior, above everyone else including you.
Idealization.  Always looking for the perfect lover or scenario.
You – the NS – will always be 2-3 steps behind.  And be thankful that you are acknowledged – even just for now. 
Nice, nice person.
Controlling.
Lacks empathy.
Feels little or no remorse.
Not in touch with themselves.
No sense of identity.
Can’t take criticism well.
Never wrong.
Avoids confrontation.
Seeks absolution in the abused partner.
Economical with the truth.
Lying and will distort the truth so they look good and they believe it to be the truth.  You challenge the lies at your own peril.
Secretive.
Works to their own secret agenda.
They only feel fear and rage
Fear of intimacy.
She had a particular fear of snakes… hmm perhaps she’s seeing something of herself.
Will only do something that benefits themselves.

What they are looking for doesn’t exist.
Therefore YOU no longer exist.
As we know they need to look inside themselves which they will never do.

Sad really.  As there is no happy ending.

ON a positive note… I always look at my cup being half full, rather that half empty.  I always look to gain from an experience rather that lose.

To help get over it, write down your story, post it on blogs, you will realise your not alone.  Other people have similar stories etc.  This is your story – and in fact treasure it.  Add to it, craft it, its you now and its time you nailed this demon and put it away forever.  The N has given you a gift, by stripping you away – you now have a chance to rebuild yourself into a better person.  Seize that chance because believe me you can change yourself for the better.  I know I have. You will feel better in time.   Believe that you can be happy again.  You don’t need ANYONE to validate who you are.  Believe in positive karma.  Believe in yourself.  I know I am a good person.  I am valued, loved and understood by those around me.

The narcissist isn’t any of these.  They’ve denied themselves of it and it’s not through choice.  I think its wrong to belittle them.  It might make us feel better in the short-term but in the long-term it doesn’t.  They are tortured infantile souls that have, and will never grow up.  Because quite simply they can’t.  In my case I think her mother is a narcissist as well.  Although I didn’t know her that well and I only got a bit of the devaluation at the very end.  But the point is her mum is on her own and has been for years.  She gets her NS through her kids and grand children I think.  And to add to irony – my exN has said she will ‘probably end up like her mum – alone’.  How prophetic. Or should I say pathetic.

No contact whatsoever is the best solution.

Bless you all on this site because God I know you have all suffered.

The truth will set you free.  But at first, it will piss you off

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When do Narcissists lie….when don’t they?

This Frequently Asked Question is easily one of my favorites.  I am so glad you asked.

When I dredge up the memories of the N that I have buried deep in my sub conscious, I don’t think there was a conversation…correction, a speech of the N’s that wasn’t filled with lies. 

Once again, I correct myself when using the word “conversation” since it is really not possible to have a conversation with a narcissist.  They do all the talking and if the “conversation” ever deviates from the Narcissist himself, he will either get sullen or get sullen and leave. 
Him leaving is the very best of options. 
Just changing the subject (being about him) during a “conversation” can result in D & D. 

The N lies about everything.  Education, job experience(s), relationships, family, friendships, feelings…the N doesn’t have any feelings except the ones he mirrors from others.  Oh, and the stories that he hears from “normal “people…his sources of Narcissistic supply…those become his stories too. 
He did those things. 
He’ll tell you all about them….in fabulous, colorful detail…because that’s the way they were told to him.   When you respond in awe at his fantastic tall tales of courage, valor and bravery (think Paul Bunyan) it will possibly earn you an even higher level position in the Pyramid of narcissistic supply. 

No entry level position for you.  Nope.
Don’t we all want to move from Primary source of supply to the all important Secondary source of supply? 
(Sarcasm.)
I know.
It’s twisted.  I’m just reporting what I’ve read and researched.  This really should be the other way around…but…
Primary supply givers are those that provide sustenance to the Narcissist on a random/casual basis. 
I just love that word…”casual.”  I just casually lost my self esteem to the narcissist. 

Secondary sources of supply are those in a “relationship” (notice those quotation marks!) with the narcissist.  Those that provide supply on a regular basis….a spouse…(God help her)…friends, (oops…remember the narcissist really doesn’t have any)…co-workers/colleagues, business partners…(get out while you can) teachers…(so sorry) neighbors…(you could always move…) 

Sorry…brief tangent….

In looking back, I remember how the N lied so convincingly. 
Would he have passed a lie detector test?
I don’t know.  The N believed his ‘own press’ to the point that the lies became truth. 
He was a legend in his own mind. 

Have you ever heard that when a person lies they often look to the left… and they don’t look you in the eye? 
The N demonstrated this several times.  If I had not been so throughly indoctrinated by the Narcissist,  I would have stood up and said “Liar!” 
Doing this would have been appropriate, as that is what the N is….A Liar. 

…(Seated on the floor of the Senate and shouting out “Liar” is really bad manners, no matter what your party affiliation…)

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gaslighting1

To see the other articles in my series, click on the category of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the right side of my blog page.  For more articles on Gaslighting click on that link.

Be sure to read –  Gaslighting:  Epilogue.

Victims or “targets” of Narcissists are often nurturing, sensitive, forgiving human beings. It is precisely those character traits that make she/he (more often victims are females rather than males) more vulnerable to abuse from the Narcissist. As a result of their relationship, the victim or “target” can suffer from depression, drug/alcohol abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Psychological abuse is very serious; it leaves emotional scars. Scars, that no one can see, but they are as real as any bleeding wound. 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It involves an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the subject, having the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory, perception and judgement.  A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim’s environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc.

The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights’ dimming, she is told she is imagining things.  Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected.  

Altering My Environment –

In my “relationship” with the N, his gaslighting deceit started subtlety at first.  Occasionally a file would be missing from my desk.  Later I’d find it in another office.  The copies I had just made would be back in the copier, when I was sure that I had removed them from the tray.  Things in my office would be moved, sometimes briefly missing…not where I had left them.  After a few months, the frequency increased to nearly every day.  My only respite was during the summer.

There is a line of dialog in “Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl” that I identified with.  When the character William Turner says…”not where I left you…” in regards to his sword…that was something I said nearly every day.

Sometimes the game took place when my shift was over.  I remember I had left something on my desk and the next morning it was gone.  Later that day, I returned to my desk to find it in the same place I had left it the night before.  It became very frightening.  I was afraid that maybe I was going crazy.

Often when I returned to work in the mornings, there was a sense that something was not right; in regards to my work space/ environment, but I could not pinpoint the cause.  I never reported this to anyone.  The brainwashing by the N was already damaging my ability to think for myself.  Dr. Sam Vankin calls this “Ambient Abuse.”  I didn’t think anyone in authority would believe my claims of someone removing things from my office.  Rather they would think that I was inept and incapable of doing my job.  Those were all ideas that the N planted in my head.

The few times that I voiced my frustrations to the N in regards to things being moved, things not where I had left them…his response was, “Well if you weren’t so stupid you’d know where you put them!”  I learned to not share my concerns with him, but it was too late, the damage had been done.  He would occasionally ask, “Lose anything today?”

I remember one late afternoon when I was frantically searching for a file.  It was information that I could reprint, but I was so confused that it was not where I had just left it.  The N appeared at the edge of my desk; the strange thing was I had not even heard him come in.  He had a smirk on his face when he said, “Looking for something?”  “No,” I lied, “just cleaning up.”  It was about that time that I started thinking that he had something to do with things being missing.  But I dismissed the thought.  I had been so brainwashed by him that I would never accuse my “friend” of sabotaging me.

At the end of the “relationship,” things were stolen; items that were in locked file cabinets were gone, cabinets, to which he had a key.  He denied ever having seen the missing items, denied that they even existed.  My only real proof that he was using this “technique” was that when he finally left my life, (because he stayed on long after the ‘major’ D&D,) it was only after he had finally been removed from my surroundings, did the gaslighting stop.

When he left, there were many things missing….my self esteem, self worth, confidence, my personality, my trustful nature and the thing I missed the most, the person I thought was my best friend…aka “Pretend Guy.”

Psychological Abuse

The N frequently questioned my ability to perform my job.  This was done covertly.  Often he would appear, supposedly coming to my rescue, while I was dealing with a situation well within my capabilities.  The following scenario happened repeatedly, it got to the point where I only felt capable of doing my job when he was around.  This was exactly what he wanted.

Once, as I tried to explain to an individual, for the third time what I needed her to do, she continued to look at me with a blank, confused expression.  The N stepped into my office and the conversation and said the EXACT thing that I just had.  Suddenly, the clouds parted, the sun shone, the angels sang, and this person understood the N’s instructions and left to take care of the task.  The N turned to me with a very smug expression on his face.  Stupidly, I was very appreciative, thanking him for helping me.  Never once did I wonder if these events were orchestrated by the N.

I have replayed events like this one in my head – as sick as it sounds, I am certain that the persons in the situations were his proxies.  They were all part of the game. This is a variation that Dr. Sam Vankin calls this “Incapacitating.”

Verbal Abuse –

N said some of the most bizarre and suggestive things to me.  Things that one friend would certainly not say to other.  Things that should not have been said in a working relationship.  I tried to excuse his abuse and bad behavior with the knowledge I had of his childhood.  Truthfully, I always excused his ‘bad behavior’.  I was very supportive of him…the need that I felt…my desire to protect him…this desire was ill placed.  I should have been protecting myself – from him.

Sometimes, he would actually admit to having said something strange or extremely inappropriate.  “Oh, that’s just something I say,” would be his response.  I know at some point in this insanity, my subconscious was screaming to be heard…”Really?! That’s just something you say?!  There are other people that you are this abusive to?  Maybe I should start a support group for people who have suffered from having any contact with you!!    

Sometimes he would make an outrageous comment or suggestion to me. Once, out of the blue, he said, “I know lots of people who are married, and they have affairs.”  After I was able to shake out the “fog” his words had put me in, I asked him, “What do you mean by that?  Are you seriously suggesting that our friendship take a different path?”  He looked at me and denied ever having made the statement.  Less than a minute had even passed!  My confusion at this point was beyond extreme.  I had no way to “take a step back” and see him for what he really was.

When the “friendship” finally reached its grotesque conclusion I didn’t know who or what to believe.  I didn’t trust anyone.  Looking back now, that was what he wanted.  He didn’t want me to trust anyone.  He didn’t want me to talk to anyone, to tell them the details of what I had suffered through…he didn’t want me to tell anyone about what kind of an alien life form he was…excuse me, is.  I call him an alien, because I can’t bring myself to say he’s a human being.  He’s not.

Read – Gaslighting:  Epilogue for the conclusion to this post.  Click on the link below

 

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     This picture book character is really too adorable to be the visual for this post, but the photo of “men’s briefs on fire” wouldn’t transfer as a jpeg or a ‘pdq.’ (That’s a joke.)  But enough of my technology problems.  I’d call my ‘Geek Squad’, but it is a long way from Pasadena.  (BTW: I am in no way putting down technology minded people, male or female…I don’t want any hate mail….computer people are WONDERFUL, they have saved my skin on numerous occasions, and I ‘worship’ them as far as is Biblically allowed.) 

     My former friend, The Narcissist….I flinch at the word “my”.  The word implies that he belonged to me, or I to him, or that I had some control of him, (he had control of me) or, that we were close, in relationship or mind-set, or that we were somehow ‘connected.’  None of these things are true, for the simple fact that he was/is a Narcissist.  These days, I usually just refer to him as The N.  I no longer use the words mine or my, when referring to him.  It is helping me create distance along with my choice of being No Contact with him, or NC.  I do have other things I call him, behind his back, but this is a family show.  

     Back to my previous thought…..The Narcissist was a liar.  Oops, correction, he IS a liar.  That feels good to say…LIAR!  He lied about so many things to me.  As more time goes by, and more Karma comes his way, I am finding out, that he lied to me regarding many things.  I now question anything he ever said to me.  This is just a partial list that follows: 

     He lied about being a brilliant student, he didn’t skip a grade in school.  I found out he was in Special Ed classes…he took the “short bus” to school.  It angers me to the core when I think of how he used to mock these students.  In his conversations regarding this type of student he would ask “Are they special?”
He boasted about raising the class curve in high school classes, and that when teachers needed to leave class for a few minutes, The N was in charge.  Insert eye roll here.  OMG!  What a liar!!!

     He lied about being glad we were friends.  Sure!  He was grateful for the fresh supply of NS (Narcissistic Supply.)  Someone he could tell all his “conquests – past exploits – stories” to and then bask in my interest.  I was someone who had not been bored to tears listening to his ‘tall tales.’  (“Oh no….go on.  I find your stories absolutely enthralling!!”)  How stupid I was to fall for it.  As near as I can tell, I was the first fresh batch of NS for him in 5-7 years.  (But as I have said before, we were never really friends, a narcissist is incapable of being a friend.) 

     The N has the emotional and social maturity of a five year old – and I am being generous.  Since I had been at home raising my family for years, I was used to being with people whose emotional maturity and interest level was that of Sesame Street, Blue’s Clues & Pokemon.  No. wait, I take that back.  At 4 years old, Sam used to get frustrated with Blue’s Clues….”It’s OVER there!” he would yell at the TV screen, “Look behind you!”  He’d give up and turn on the Discovery Channel.

     The N lied about being interested in my family, job, thoughts, opinions, feelings, experiences & beliefs.  He took a great delight in mocking my beliefs, something he that had said early on in our friendship he would NEVER do.  Liar. 

N saw the qualities that he wanted for himself, in me, attributes of character that he can never obtain.  He did keep up the grand facade while listening to me talk, especially during the idealization phase.  His mask never slipped once.  I must give him credit for that, it must have been very fatiguing but he never yawned. At least not to my face.  Instead he mirrored me…

To be continued in “Mirror, Mirror On the Wall…”

  I knew if I kept trying I’d figure out how to transfer this image!

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