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Posts Tagged ‘Narcissist’

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I just read a great article on line entitled “10 Ways to Spot a Narcissist.”
Hope I don’t get in trouble for sharing the link here. Take the quiz at the bottom of the article. I got a 6.
Narcissists score over 20.

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/10-ways-to-spot-a-narcissist?page=all

ps…If this counts as a post, it is my first one in a very long time.

ES

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A reader “took me to task” this week. They felt was not being supportive enough of new readers who were breaking No Contact. This is my response. After I read what had just flowed from my fingers, I figured, hey, why not, make it a post.

I am sorry if you see my (or others) comments to readers as being a ‘smartass.’

Nothing about a relationship with a Narcissist is cute. Having been in a “frieNdship” with an N is not a clique that I Ever want to join again, believe me.

When I went into “remission” from the N, years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on from a site at MSN. It was a web site with a multitude of resources and even had (live) chat with people that were in similar situations and those who had recovered fully, especially by using a technique called “No Contact.”

No where, was I ever encouraged to seek out the N again after “Devalue and Discard”, I was strongly discouraged against contacting him, but I didn’t listen, and HOW sorry I was for not listening to those much wiser than I. The worse thing I ever did was try to ‘fix’ the ‘breakup’ with the N. It only made things worse, horribly worse.

If you were hoping that you would receive advice about how to recify, fix, heal, resume, mend, your broken relationship with the N, you will not find that here. The thing that we do not realize until many years down the path to recovery, is that the relationship / friendship with the N….was already broken from Day One. We were simply blind to that fact.

Yes, it is horribly tragic and it is a pity that any human being is subjected to this inhuman treatment from the N.

I hope that you are able to get many days of No Contact in a row. Honestly, you will find that the more days of No Contact you have the more the desire to have anything to do with the N will fade. Really, I’m not lying.

Contact me again, and let me know how you are doing. To quote AA: “One Day at a time.”

All the very best to you.
ES

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Once in a great while, I get a comment on one of my blog posts that is so well written and pertinent to readers needs, that I ask permission of the writer and I make it an actual blog post all on its own. Let’s face it, a comment is not always going to be seen when it’s “Comment #142” on a particular post. In this case, I tried to contact the writer, but they used an invalid email address. Perhaps they will contact me again after seeing their comment as an actual post. Hope so.

I have a question which nobody ever seems to be able to answer effectively, but which is very important!

Before asking the question, a little info …

1) WHAT HAPPENED: I survived a most traumatic relationship with a narcissist.

2) WHY?: I was too naive, young and immature to understand who I was trying to relate to, plus I am an empath. (not Pollyanna though) I was wrongly taught that being patient and forgiving is natural and rational, because ‘nobody’s perfect.’

3) PTSD: I was deeply affected by him and, as a result, a year after the discard, I was still so messed up that, for the first (and only) time in my life, I even experienced one episode of dissociation, when subjected to further abuse in the working environment. I guess I just could not take any more of that, I just paralyzed there and then, unnaturally calm though, feeling nothing except my body!
I also kept dreaming about him.

4) CONSEQUENCES: I reacted by becoming the exact opposite of what I was: From TOTALLY naive to TOTALLY suspicious and terrified of people, always wondering about their words, “WHAT and WHY are they saying THIS to me? What do they expect my reaction will be?”

I even started obsessing about my own EYES and about keeping in check with an absolute blank non revealing stare HOW others are watching ME through their eyes, to instantly notice IF they are
getting my emotions and if they are making subtle sadistic smirks or smiles as a result of possibly detecting ANY kind of weak emotion, like fear, on my part; also new to me. I now can get terrible rages if I even get the feeling somebody is treating me like my exN did.

So it’s like I feel a part of him is inside me, I don’t know how else to describe it!
But still, the apparently contradictory thing is that I am enormously more empathic than I used to be, like my empathy got enhanced somehow, not lessened.

For example: I sense other people’s pain immensely to the point that I feel pain too if I see others sad. Trust me, I experienced some remarkable situations where it was like I FELT all the pain the other person was feeling, instantly, to the point that I would start crying and sobbing and feeling desperate all of a sudden just looking through their eyes! Now I feel absolutely very protective and even more totally respectful and loving towards people who suffer, more than any other time before in my life.

POSITIVE ASPECTS ABOUT the N-experience:
1) I now sincerely understand that being alone CAN be a blessing indeed, and that ANYTHING is better than being with a Narcissist, given that you RECOGNISE that you are dealing with one.

2) I now understand that my personal (human AND therefore NORMAL) fears, which all normal people have (loneliness, emptiness, finity, fear itself, sadness, not being worthy …), CAN be artfully used by others against me, and by means of myself (in other words: Ns let others be ruled by their own fears, … and when N-supply (this is what I was for him, an object) ultimately finds out, we have the additional self-blame and shame for letting Ns do this to us by our own selves!)

3) I now understand that there are people with NO EMPATHY … believe it or not! Understand it/accept it or not.

4) I am now humble, and will NEVER ever again say “it could not happen to me!” Instead I don’t judge, I shut up and think “Unless you lived through that, you cannot understand what it feels like!”

QUESTION:
Since I want to stay away as far as possible from Narcissists … here is the question:

“When I first meet somebody, how do I know: … … if I am talking to a Narcissist …. (not again please!”)

But, what I really mean is, how would I know… for sure (no doubts, and excluding other
pathologies, if there are other pathologies which are similar or easily mistaken for N)… from the start (possibly just after a few weeks or months from meeting somebody.)

COROLLARY TO THE QUESTION:
IF you answered that only a very good psychiatrist can know, and that there is no way for me to know …would you be implying that I am condemned to either:

1) Isolate myself from ANYBODY else…

2) Or subject myself to possible Ns and ultimately find out / find out only when it is too late for me to avoid feeling abused again?

THE QUESTION IS IMPORTANT because:

1) The urge to TRUST somebody can be strong, and makes us biased when objectivity is required, … We all look for love and care, it’s human nature!

2) The ability of Ns to conceal how UNCARING, MEAN, and FALSE they are is truly excellent … and one always wonders and wonders and wonders…”Is he? isn’t he? Is he? isn’t he? … to the point of self-torture!

3) Giving a list of narcissistic traits is not useful, we who were once traumatized know only too well the traits … especially when very visible at last!

PLEASE help with some useful answer!

P.S. I understand that you are not a doctor Elisse, but maybe some doctor reading the post could try to answer; or maybe there’s someone who might know one who could ask him/her for an opinion ….

Dear Karen:
As I said above, I tried to answer your comment by email, but your email address was not valid. I am working on getting an answer for your from a professional, but while we wait for their answer, here are some thoughts from me…not a dr. and I don’t even play one on TV. (It’s a very old commercial.)

There are many wildly waving “Red Flags” that could be a clue for you (and anyone else) when you meet someone new. I am going to post these as they come to mind, so check back.

While I am driving my youngest here and there, I have ‘fabulous’ thoughts/ideas that come to mind and I can’t always stop and write them down. I also don’t mean to sound sarcastic or humorous, but my answers might come out that way. Sorry.

1. If a grown man/woman (women can be N’s too) wants to jump into a new relationship like a lovesick high school freshman, texts you constantly, shows up unexpectedly, makes you feel like you are being smothered…they could be an N or they have some other seriously, unhealthy relationship issues.

2. After being with this new person, do you feel exhausted? Ask your self this honestly and not based on the excitement of going out with a new guy/girl. I was exhausted after spending ANY amount time with the N. Very much the same way you might be feeling after being with a needy but intelligent toddler for several hours. I also felt like I had “emotional whiplash” after listening to his “double talk” for any amount of time. He’d say one thing and then say the exact opposite 5 minutes later – and then deny having said the first comment. (Gaslighting.)

3. Do you feel icky when you are with this person? Do you feel like you are being smothered? Do you feel like you are dealing with an emo teenager in an adult’s body?

4. Have you met the new person by being introduced by a friend? Ask this person what they REALLY think of the new guy/girl. Ask them why (if they are not already dating, would they date the person.) What does your family think? Listen to what they think.

5. Have you ever watched ‘The Bachelor?’ (The best season of it was the year that it was Ryan & Trista and that had a very happy ending with a wedding and so far two babies.) In the show, the guy takes a couple of girls home to met his parents. I recall seeing where the family members really let the bachelor know what they think of the prospective brides.

6. Listen to your gut. Some people don’t believe in ‘intuition’ but I do.

7. I can’t help but direct you to a post from Dr. Joseph Carver, a psychologist from Ohio. He allowed something that he wrote called “Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser” to be freely used on the Internet. In fact, I think I have posted it during the past several years on my blog.

Check out what he wrote. You can read it as though he is giving you pre-relationship advice. It is quite long. I would advise printing it out and grabbing my favorite tool…that yellow highlighter.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

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he_is_making_a_list_he_is_checking_it_twice_he_bumper_sticker-p128763840322541237en8ys_400I was bored this week and I got to thinking about all the things my readers (and myself) will miss during this holiday season not having to entertain the disordered Narcissist in their life.  If your N was a female, feel free to subsitute the female pronouns.
As far as Santa’s list goes?  The N would definitely be on the Naughty list.

You will not have to hear how the gift you got him is inferior to what other sources of supply got him
He will not make any comments about the holiday decorations
You will not open a gift of fishing waders 3 sizes too big for you
You will not have to feign excitement over already/partially used gift cards
You not be expected to clean the floor after the holiday dinner with the fabulous new mop he gave you.
You will not have to listen to him complain that dinner is not how his mother would have made it
You will not be giving him gifts while he has nothing for you in exchange.  (See used gift cards)
You will not have to listen to ANY complaints from him
You will not have to hear him lecture you that you spent too much money on food, gifts, children, decorations…but not enough money on him…
Oh, and let me guess…does he think the Nativity scene represents his birthday? LOL!

In short, your holiday will not be disturbed by the pathetic creature who tries to pass himself/herself off as human.

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Farewell to the N

Sometimes I get fantastic comments to my posts – This is one of those times.
Fanny has been commenting for sometime now and yesterday sent me what is her closure letter to her narcissist if she was going to mail it.  We all know that “closure” is something the narcissist is not capable of delivering.
Thank you Fanny for agreeing to share your letter. 

A LETTER TO MY NARCISSIST:

It has been exactly 25 days since I hung up the phone on you and cut you out from my life. To me, it is a situation that I knew will happen sooner than later as I no longer felt  the sacrifices and efforts that I have put in to our relationship was worth it . You have basically achieved your goal in killing off my love for you.  With the realisation that you are a narcissist and that you do not love me, I have all the answers now explaining your despicable behaviour.

The seven years have been a state of confusion and chaos for me. Yes, the idolisation stage was short and sweet and for years  I felt intoxicated with your masterful lovemaking and romanticised our ‘love’.  I wrongly interpreted your interest in my work and activities as ‘love’ but now I know it is ‘control’ and your unquenchable desire to make use of my contacts and convert them into your source of supply. But from your crazy unexplained rages, dark moods, long silence and erratic demands, you have grown worse every year. Meanwhile, I felt like a person slowly being striped of her energy and pride.  Even then, I tolerated the abuse because I thought you loved me and were going through so much yourself just to keep our relationship alive. I wanted to believe I was the only one who understood you. How wrong I was! Little did I know that you needed me and our relationship because of your dire need for narcissistic supply. Everyone you attempted to enslave as secondary source walked away but I stood by you all these years. You could see I have so many good friends and you were not only jealous but you tried to recruit some of them. it has just dawned on me that you made up those stories about my girl friends either because you wanted to isolate me or you were angry that they told me you said improper words to them. You have indeed manipulated me, tricked me and hurt me. When I think of all the situations where I have been managed and exploited by you and knowing now that you obviously hate me and are jealous of me, I feel so shaken. I am convinced now that you had other lovers and you had lied and cheated me.

I guess I must have been a challenge for you and I am sure I am your greatest source of supply. You used my resourcefulness, contacts and money to achieve your needs. To keep you impressed I stupidly , unconsciously always  outdid myself in providing you information, gifts , answers to everything you needed and even didn’t know you needed. You hated being dependent on me but you kept pushing the boundary with me but I never failed. What finally broke the camel’s back (mine) was the abuse, ill-treatment and bullying. It confused me but now I know you are a vampire. It’s over. I am done with you and I do not want to continue to be your slave.  I don’t really care what you think and how you feel but being a narcissist I am sure you will blame me and as you said earlier, say its my big loss to let you get away. LOL. That’s a joke isn’t it? But the joke is on you because you actually believe it yourself.

Imagine, I suffered for seven years and yet I kept taking the abuse and begging you to take me back each time you dump me. I was walking on eggshells all the time and desperate to please you. You kept me dangling , waiting perpetually  to serve you hand and foot. Everyday you  had a list of chores for me to do for you. Rain or shine, sick or busy, I had to drop everything to serve you. But you never ask me how I am when I am sick and never cared for me. You were callous with me, selfish and demanding. You didn’t like my friends and took advantage of me financially, emotionally, physically and mentally.  I could not fathom why a man could treat his loved one such. Imagine my horror when I stumbled upon the word narcissist this year and discovered the real demon you were. Everything adds up. The evil words you spew on me, your rages, your coldness and you selfishness….. Your actions and the fact that you had no friends and were constantly trying to take advantage of people …..the list is endless. When I think back, I am certain some of the things you asked me to do were in anticipation of blackmailing me in the event I become a problem. You did that on everybody .

It’s been six months since I found out that you are a narcissist and yet I went back to you . But each  time you raged at me, I drifted further away and I knew I had to resolve all the loose ends before I could finally walk away. Well…. The day came and I am now free.

Sometimes I feel relieved and happy. Some times I feel sad and miss your false self and dread the loneliness ahead. It’s true that victims of narcissists suffers from inner emptiness but getting a narcissist to fill in the gap is like swallowing poison. I  now know I have to keep myself occupied and busy and pamper myself. I keep reading a lot about narcissists and their behaviour because I want to remind myself the person you really are and not revert back to you.  Yes… I was addicted to you before but not any more because,  I can’t stand your abuse and your humiliation any more. I no longer feel any joy in your presence.

You did try initially to contact me on the pretext of some issues or other but my monosyllables answers clearly shows I am not bothered. I know you are too proud to make contact particularly since I have always been the one to call you after a fight.

Well….. I can imagine that you initially thought I was going to come crawling back. Then you would think you would punish me when I eventually call you. (Boy, do you love your punishments!) Now I know you would have realised it is indeed over but convinced yourself you are better off without me and its my great loss to let you go. There are many younger, beautiful young women waiting to fall for your handsome face, wonderful body and swoon over your masterful  lovemaking (these were your own words). You have gotten rid of an old lady like me whose figure has started to sag and memory starting to fade (all your own words ) and you are better off. Oh boy, when I almost believe you were right in saying my memory was failing and you confused me intentionally by denying things you had said, blaming me for things I didn’t commit……..I am only 57 years old and a high corporate CEO of a company . People know me as a smart, capable and strong woman. A leader in the industry. How is it possible that I can allow you to manipulate me and tell me I was suffering from dementia like my 85-year-old dad. How cruel!

But you went too far, taking the challenge of trying to break me made me rebel and question your sanity. You tried to convince me I was stupid and losing my memory. You called me fat but when I lost weight you demanded I put on my weight back immediately!!  You said I am old (yet people always say I look good) and you look twenty years younger than your age and women were falling themselves all over you. LOL.  But I feel sorry for them.

Guess what? I don’t care. Good luck and good riddance to you. I am lucky to get away by the skin of my teeth and that you have not achieved your goal to destroyed me completely like the vampire you are and ruin me not only emotionally but financially.  I don’t want to be bitter or blame myself anymore. I just want to forget you and move on.

I have no need for revenge or closure. It’s a complete waste of my time . Please just fade away from my life.

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Follow the link to read about the warning signs that tell you are dating a Loser!

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

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