FAQ’s: Does the Narcissist really view people as disposable?

 

Sometimes I get my ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  I call these my FAQ’s – Frequently Asked Questions.

Deja vu:  I wrote this nearly three years ago and it describes so well the frequently asked question I receive at least once a week from people trying to understand the N in their life.  I’ve dug up this dinosaur and brought it into 2011. 

A pink spoon means one thing…Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors.  I’ve had my favorite flavors since childhood, & I have a drawer full of those pink spoons at home.  It’s not because we go out for ice cream very often, but because I save the spoons.  They are very useful.  I use them for all sorts of projects, rubber stamping, mixing paint, even for serving the cat’s dinner.  When at my wit’s end, I’ve even used them for getting that reluctant child to try some new kind of food…even a bite of some dreaded vegetable tastes good on a pink spoon.  (Don’t worry, it’s not the one I used for the cats.)

So – You might be asking yourself what does a pink spoon have to do with NPD?  A Narcissist views people as disposable; they are ‘pink spoons’.  To a N, people are things, not friends, family or lovers.  He will use people (aka his victims/targets) as long as they serve a purpose for him, as long as they make him look good, as long as they agree with him.

People provide the N with what is called “Narcissistic Supply”  (NS).  Relationships mean nothing to the N; he is incapable of loving anyone let alone even showing one iota of concern for someone.  He can NEVER be emotionally involved with another person.  A Narcissist will use someone for whatever reason, for whatever purpose, as long as they are a good source of NS for him.  Break his rules & suffer the consequences.  This ‘devaluing’ is repeated over and over again.

It’s not hard to break the N’s rules.  They are varied and change sometimes daily.  What makes him rage one day, might make him smirk another.  Question his decision?  Ask him to repeat what he just told you?  Chances are you will get so much ‘Word Salad’ that you will wish you ordered something else on the menu.  You quickly learn to be quiet.  You don’t question anything, especially his statements that deep down you know are lies.  Most importantly, you have to agree with everything he says.

One might think to themselves, what kind of pansy stays in this kind of a relationship?  Obviously, I asked my self that same question.  The only thing that I can tell you is that there was a pathology going on that I still do not understand.  I am trying to understand why I was a target for an individual like this.  (I can’t bring my self to call him a person, my cats have more humanity than he does.)

It was very grievous for me when I realized that I was just a ‘pink spoon’ to The N.  I was only a thing.  How could someone who was my friend suddenly stop, do an about face, and treat me like dog s**t on his shoe?  After having been idolized, I was consistently devalued over time, and then, finally, abruptly discarded.  I was dumbfounded.  I had no clue what my crime was that deserved this punishment  I was something that he threw in the trash along with the used Kleenex & dental floss, without a moment’s hesitation. (I was going to say condom, but I doubt that he could get past the “first courtesy date” to need one….)

While The N discards his NS when he is done with them, I appreciate the richness of quality that people bring to my life.  They are important; like pink plastic spoons, they are useful, they are valuable, they are worthy, not something to be used once and then cast aside.

 

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The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off…

    I received the following comment a few days ago.  It was written with much thought and is very clear and concise.  I’ve been in contact with it’s writer and he has agreed to let me post it to the “front page”.  Sometimes I get great, thoughtful comments and they are buried deep in the comments on a post.  His response needed to be brought to the surface. 
Elisse Stuart

 

Q. What’s worse than a narcissist?
 A. An intelligent narcissist.

(Narcissistic) Curtain Calls…best metaphor I’ve heard in ages!  MY STORY…I can only give examples from the recent experience I’ve had with my now, ex girlfriend, (Yes, I am a man, girls – it happens to us guys as well) who I believe is a ‘covert narcissist’.  Someone who would cover up the arrogance by being the opposite.  She appears shy, like a wall flower. Wouldn’t hurt a fly, very endearing, very well liked in our circle of friends. However we are talking anout a wolf in sheep’s clothing… she has a very highly specialized status job in the city and is EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT.  How she works as part of a team, I don’t know.  She doesn’t really work in a team, it seems like she runs everything including her boss and I’ll get to the boss later in the story.
I lived and loved her for over 2.5 years.
She was never wrong, didn’t take criticism at all well. We never argued, which is not good in a relationship.  And I think this is more of avoidance than anything else.
No empathy, no remorse, working always to her agenda blaming others and failure to take responsibility for her actions.

IN THE BEGINNING… We were members of the same amateur dramatic group.  I liked her, she was attractive, sassy full of life etc.. and friends we were talking at in the pub after shows etc.  She approached me, told me her current relationship wasn’t right and she wanted to end it.
And in all honesty she told me about her dodgy past.  But now on my reflection.. how much of it was truth or being economical with the truth?  Down is up, up is down.  And she told me she was (and still is) having therapy.. now there’s a thought.
I knew I was taking a massive risk with this person as she didn’t seem to ‘know herself’.
But in life we take risks… if we don’t, we will not know ourselves’ and will remain emotionally stunted.
I went for it and became the new lover or source if you like.  She left her partner within weeks, so there wasn’t much ‘overlap’ as I didn’t want to be the ‘other man’.  I didn’t feel good about myself while we were carrying on etc.

She moved into a rented a house.  I said ‘have some space, time on your own’
No. She wanted me now, I was the love of her life etc…etc.  We all know where this is going.  She had her house and I had mine.  Although I spent all my time round at hers.

The thing is – narcissists can’t stand on their own 2 feet.
They have to have someone.  She is so insecure.
They have to have a support network, we all need people in our life’s, family friends, spouse etc. but you’ll find N’s are people junkies they like to have lots of people that they can tap into.  And when it ain’t going their way they’ll dump you.
I believe she chose me because at the time I was strong.  I told her that I was divorced, had managed to sell a very big house and purchase 2 smaller houses one for me and one for my ex-wife and my 3 children.  That impressed her.  And she knew I could help her move on to the next stage in her life and help rebuild her life ie. get out of the old relationship move and buy a house etc.
I am very good at fixing things DIY and a good organiser etc.  I did an awful lot for her.

MY whole life changed!!!

At first the love or as I thought it was love, was ‘euphoric’.  It was just something else, so wonderful something I have never experienced before. I felt loved.  The sex was just amazing.  After a few months it was a leap year 2008 and in Feb she asked to marry me.
I was very flattered no woman has ever asked.  I always did the asking and I had only ever asked twice before (1. my ex-wife and 2. one other lover years ago and she said no).  Alarm bells were ringing because she had only been out of relationship for a short while and now wanted to marry me.  It all sounds very nice but a bit juvenile for someone that’s 40.  But I was so in love etc…etc.

The first year was great.  But something wasn’t right IT WAS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.  It felt like I was dealing with the emotions of a child rather than an adult. Weird.
Sometimes she would be staring at me (lovingly) and end up walking into something.
Talk of ‘never leave me’ ‘always and for ever’ etc. etc. lots and lots of it. little notes left about the house which is all normal she couldn’t get enough of me.  I know that people in love do all this stuff but it all so gushing that’s the only way to describe it.  And I was hooked.

This was the idealization stage.
On the gift giving, there were lots of gifts, spontaneous.  (Beware of Greeks bearing gifts!) I gave back in return lots of love. love letters, gifts, flowers etc…etc.

My kids got to know her kids and they all got on great.  We had our first holiday together along with another friend and her children, which now I think was her secondary NS.  The more I write about this the more I understand the nature of the person I was dealing with.
The NS has to be on their best behaviour at first.  Thing is why did she pick me??.. she must have had other suitors… But I obviously had something that she lacked…

She did have pics of friends family etc. all seemed normal.
But no long-term friends like Uni friends etc.  In fact she would criticise them.
Then almost overnight came the depression, self loathing.  The silence. She wouldn’t open up tell me what was wrong. It was like an emotional wall.
Is this common in narcissists?
I felt like I was in the wrong perhaps it’s me that’s getting her down.  What can I do to make things better?  Why is she like this?  Why doesn’t she talk to me about what’s bothering her.
One thing they are afraid of, is intimacy.
I mean real intimacy.
Talking about real problems.  She never really talked about me, to me ie. How do feel about your brothers illness? What went wrong with your other female relationships?  Lets go and see some of your friends in your home town etc. It was always about her… and her agenda.  Never about me.  I felt lost I felt I was changing, disoriented.  I was losing my identity.  I was so desperate to make this relationship work I was changing myself into something I thought she wanted me to be.  She fed me, we slept together, the sex became less frequent, less passionate and I would always have to initiate it.
We never argued.. now I think she was afraid that would lead to her revealing her true self..
Am I right??

My ex-wife contracted breast cancer late 2009… I joking said “well, we may have to buy a big house and all of us live together your kids my kids”…and I know that scared her.  Intimacy and commitment. An adult would say something like ‘well I’m not sure if I can do that.. or I’m not ready for this.. lets talk about this and find a solution etc’.  But she didn’t.
They can’t confront real issues.  It’s like dealing with a child who isn’t getting the right sort of candy.  What happens – a tantrum – but she can’t have a tantrum, because the real person will come out.. Writing this all down is helping me make sense of it all.

It felt she was the flat tyre and I was the pump. It was exhausting. She rarely projected. On occasions I would get the blast of something that I had done, that was my fault but in the middle of something else, she was trying to come to terms with. So it was out of context.  Oh my God when she was angry you knew about it (where’s the wall flower now?). So now we on to the next stage ‘devaluation’. She would dig at me about my age or doing something that was a ‘dad thing’ or undervaluing my achievements.  From no provocation whatsoever.  No matter what I did to try to please her, it wasn’t enough.  I felt I was becoming a person she wanted me to be.  I was going insane.  It was give, give, give and nothing coming back.  So I tried to detach myself abet for my own well being.

Then came the discarding.
One night she just dumped me.  No explanation, nothing. ‘ We have no future’ that’s all I got.  I was devastated.  There was no closure.
I had no contact with her for 8 weeks, then we met in a pub by accident and she told me that she still loves me.  Let’s try to patch things up.  And like a mug I tried.  God did I get the runaround, only to find out after few weeks at trying to ‘patch things up’ and make some sense of the past 2.5 years that she’s now found the love of her life and it’s her boss that she’s worked with for 13 years.  He’s left his wife.  She (my exN) loves him but he doesn’t know it.. yeah right.  She is a good liar.
She has done this cycle of partners 3 times, including me as far as know.  With overlap basically forming the next relationship before ending the last one.  Nice person.  And then string me along so in case it doesn’t work out she’ll carry on with me.

Now there’s no contact and there never will be.  I’ve had a lucky escape.  But at a cost.  I am in my recovery mode at the moment but each day gets better.

Conclusion:
The Narcissist –
Feels entitled to do whatever they like.
Uncaring. (May show that they care but if it has no benefit to them they don’t care).
Fears abandonment.
Cannot stand on their own 2 feet.
Feels superior, above everyone else including you.
Idealization.  Always looking for the perfect lover or scenario.
You – the NS – will always be 2-3 steps behind.  And be thankful that you are acknowledged – even just for now. 
Nice, nice person.
Controlling.
Lacks empathy.
Feels little or no remorse.
Not in touch with themselves.
No sense of identity.
Can’t take criticism well.
Never wrong.
Avoids confrontation.
Seeks absolution in the abused partner.
Economical with the truth.
Lying and will distort the truth so they look good and they believe it to be the truth.  You challenge the lies at your own peril.
Secretive.
Works to their own secret agenda.
They only feel fear and rage
Fear of intimacy.
She had a particular fear of snakes… hmm perhaps she’s seeing something of herself.
Will only do something that benefits themselves.

What they are looking for doesn’t exist.
Therefore YOU no longer exist.
As we know they need to look inside themselves which they will never do.

Sad really.  As there is no happy ending.

ON a positive note… I always look at my cup being half full, rather that half empty.  I always look to gain from an experience rather that lose.

To help get over it, write down your story, post it on blogs, you will realise your not alone.  Other people have similar stories etc.  This is your story – and in fact treasure it.  Add to it, craft it, its you now and its time you nailed this demon and put it away forever.  The N has given you a gift, by stripping you away – you now have a chance to rebuild yourself into a better person.  Seize that chance because believe me you can change yourself for the better.  I know I have. You will feel better in time.   Believe that you can be happy again.  You don’t need ANYONE to validate who you are.  Believe in positive karma.  Believe in yourself.  I know I am a good person.  I am valued, loved and understood by those around me.

The narcissist isn’t any of these.  They’ve denied themselves of it and it’s not through choice.  I think its wrong to belittle them.  It might make us feel better in the short-term but in the long-term it doesn’t.  They are tortured infantile souls that have, and will never grow up.  Because quite simply they can’t.  In my case I think her mother is a narcissist as well.  Although I didn’t know her that well and I only got a bit of the devaluation at the very end.  But the point is her mum is on her own and has been for years.  She gets her NS through her kids and grand children I think.  And to add to irony – my exN has said she will ‘probably end up like her mum – alone’.  How prophetic. Or should I say pathetic.

No contact whatsoever is the best solution.

Bless you all on this site because God I know you have all suffered.

The truth will set you free.  But at first, it will piss you off

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Tag Sale

Yard sale….garage sale…tag sale….No mater what you call it…it’s a lot of work. 
I have spent the last 4 months gathering stuff together for us to start selling in the early morning hours of Saturday, when I would much rather be …sleeping.

Some of the sale items I hadn’t used in years; some were gifts and well, they were never used. 
Some people have suggested items that they think I should get rid of. 
“Really, the boys won’t care that you kept their first pair of  jammies….” 
Perhaps not, but I do. 

There are things that I will always keep.  And well, frankly, I don’t think they would sell. 
I still have Sam’s baby teeth.  He doesn’t believe in the Tooth Fairy anymore, but he can be heard saying, “You know if you still want to leave a couple of bucks under my pillow, that would be cool Mom.”

I have some of my grandmother’s cookbooks.  Well meaning individuals have said, “you should just toss those, nobody cooks like that anymore…no one uses butter.”  I do. 

At o’ dark thirty, I was setting things up. 
Making neat piles, everything carefully folded…former merchandising rep…what can I say? 

Our appointed garage sale bouncers held back the thundering hoards until we were set up. 

Women balked at $2.00 for a Children’s Place polo shirt that was worn maybe 3 times. 
Mothers asked for jeans in size 10 Slim and Husky 14….”Sorry, I only have size 12 Regular…this isn’t Kohl’s, I thought. 
The man looking for +sizes was very pleased with the selection of men’s shirts and pants.  He snapped up $40 worth.

There were those shoppers who thought we didn’t understand what they were saying to each other….
It was tempting to respond….”Yes, you might think that the gringos are asking too much for the jeans and T-shirts…but frankly I don’t think $2 bucks for a $14.00 pair of practically new pair of Levi’s is unreasonable…and you’ve got to be out of your mind if you think I’m going to accept .25 cents for a bottle Victoria Secret cologne. Perhaps I am naive on the ways of yard sales…but I did not expect to have someone barter with me. 
I stood my ground…at one point Hubby commented…”You’re a hard woman, Mrs. Stuart.” 

In between swarms of shoppers, we were entertained by the 92nd Airborne Hummingbird Division….there was one brightly colored pair that would peel off like X-wing fighters…and then jump to light speed.  Before 9 am the feeders were empty and I had to make a fast batch of syrup.  No chance of syrup sitting for days, fermenting and then  having drunk hummingbirds for neighbors. 

The boys returned with coffee and doughnuts – that was a nice treat…Three dozen doughnuts were a lot though.  Hubby and I silently agreed that we’d start selling doughnuts if necessary, to increase business. 

Extended family members must have sensed there were doughnuts and hot coffee at the homestead, as they stopped by to shop & sell some of their things.  For awhile we were swapping our ‘treasures’ back and forth.  My SIL got one of my sweaters, I got her ceramic pitcher and wash basin bowl…it will be perfect for that bed & breakfast I’ve always wanted to open… 
Hubby attempted to point out that purpose of the yard sale to SELL things…but by then all the SIL’s were on a sugar doughnut frenzy. 

Sets and sets of towels found new homes.  Flannel sheet sets went home for, I was told, a dog who had just had puppies.  I admit that the thought of puppy ‘piddles’on my old flannel sheets was a little distrubing…but she paid me $5 bucks for them…and they were hand me downs when I got them.   Books, vases and an odd collection of nick knacks were bought and space was made for more. 
Where do we acquire these things over the years? 
The plastic containers went fast at 10 cents a piece. 

When there was a lull in the shopping, I would re-arrange some of the merchandise and wouldn’t you know the next batch of shoppers would pick up the items and pay for their new-found treasures.  Hubby was amazed at my curbside merchandising techniques. 

A Marine just home from the Middle East cleaned our most of the big-ticket items…Bless him. 
The college students from the near by UC snapped up the book cases. 
Too bad we didn’t have more to sell.

As the sun was getting low, we boxed up our possessions, debating on what to do with them.  Sam had a grand idea,,,,”Let’s have a garage sale next weekend!”

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Regretfully

 

Today was so awful, I’m grateful that it is not illegal to drive with Baskin Robbins in the car…cuz I’m pretty sure that it’s illegal to drive with an open bottle of Blackberry Merlot….in the cup holder.

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A Time to Shred

When I realized that I had been the target for a Narcissist nearly 4 1/2 years ago
I went on-line and printed out everything I could get my hands on pertaining to this disorder. 
I would go through the stacks of paper with a yellow highlighter in one hand and a glass of red wine (it’s an antioxidant you know)  in the other….. 

Y’all have heard this story if you have followed my blog. 
3M recently emailed me, concerned that I had not made a yellow highlighter purchase, in sometime….

The time has come to shred.
Nearly 3 reams of copier paper…staples…paper cuts…I am torn whether to re-read some of the articles …or just to throw caution to the wind….and shred.

Hope I have enough trash bags.

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The Serenity Prayer – Moving

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change that I have too much stuff….

Courage to change the things I can to throw the stuff away

And the Wisdom to know the difference that this part of the journey is only a brief side trip.

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You know you’re a parent when…..

Hubby and I were sitting in the family room surrounded by packing boxes. 
We decided to take a break and Hubby was channel flipping…a favorite male past time it seems. 

There was a movie with a familiar black-haired man. 

Hubby:  Where have I seen that guy before? 
ES:  Well, he is a famous actor/singer from Broadway, movies and television.  His name is Mandy Patinkin. 
Hubby:  What have I seen him in? 
ES:  He plays in Criminal Minds…
Hubby:  No, I haven’t seen him in that. 
ES:  He was in the Princess Bride…”My name is…you killed my father…prepare to die…” 
Hubby:  No, we saw that a loooong time ago…it was something else…
ES:  Then…you may be remembering him as ‘Huxley’ in the movie Elmo In Grouchland! 
Hubby:  That’s it!  I knew I remembered him from somewhere!

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Ghost Pets

I stood in my kitchen this past Saturday morning, stirring my coffee and wondering where does one start when packing up 20 + years of life and memories? 
It was early, before 7 a.m. and as I looked down at the floor, I saw the shadow of Max walk by…even the shadow of his tail looked fluffy. “Hi buddy,” I said…and then I remembered. 
I smiled, something that I had not done for several days. 
You see, Max died on Saturday, January 2nd, between 4 and 6 am. 

Max stumbled when he walked in the door after sitting outside on the patio the morning of the 29th of December.  My husband and I exchanged worried looks of concern and immediately drove to the vet; Max was put on an IV, the vet felt a mass in Max’s belly that his technician was going to try and “tap” to determine what it was.   

Wednesday, the vet called to tell us that Max had cancer.  Our doctor wanted to know if we wanted to take Max home and spend some more time with him. 
Of course we did.  The first evening, Max ate a little bit and even sat on Sam’s Bakugan game board and tried to look interested in what Sam was saying.  Max tapped one of the balls with a paw. 

After that he slowed down more each day; he stopped eating and drinking. I started using an eye dropper to give him sips of water.  
How ironic. 
(When Max first arrived home with Hubby nearly 14 years ago, I had to feed Max with an eye dropper because he was so young, he still should have been nursing.) 

We prepared Sam for the fact that Max was not going to get better.  We all took turns holding Max and keeping him warm.  At night, I slept on the couch and kept my hand on him to make sure he knew I was there. 

By New Year’s Day, it was evident that we would be going to the vet’s office the next morning so that a shot could be administered.  The vet had assured us that Max was not in pain, but that death would not come without assistance.  By the evening of January 1st, Max could no longer walk, so I would change the thick towel we kept under him, since he could not get up to use the kitty box. 

Late that evening, he began to whimper every few minutes.  Finally sometime before 2 am, I was able to get him comfortable.  With my head pounding with a migraine, I gave him a kiss, told him we all loved him and I went to lay down in bed for awhile. 

At four in the morning, I went to check on him.  He was warm and he moved one of his cute little paws when I stroked his fur.  At 6:30 a.m. he was gone. 

I know that the phantom images of Max will not continue in our new place, so I am grateful for the vision I had early Saturday morning. 

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Ice Cream Maker

After more than 2 decades we are moving. 
I am cleaning out the backs of kitchen cupboards that have not seen the light of day in…..? 
In the recesses of one I found a punch bowl set, still in its box, 7 Rubbermaid containers, 6 vintage tins, a gingerbread house kit and an ice cream maker. 
I separated the items into piles…garage sale, discard, storage…
Hubby came into the kitchen in search of trash bags, looked down and said, “We had an ice cream maker?” 

In the light of the knowledge that there are members of our human family injured, awaiting rescue, water and food…the amount of materialism I am packing is truly obscene.

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Victorious!

 

Never before at Christmas time have I ever had the gifts wrapped before midnight on Christmas morning.   Often hubby and I  were both bleary-eyed when our three boys woke up to open presents.  Where is the coffee? 
This afternoon my youngest went out with one of his brothers and I had over six hours to my self.
 
I thought I could clean the tub and take a hot bath without expecting someone to come bursting to ask if I had seen this or that.  And then, I heard an angel chorus….I could get all the Christmas presents wrapped!  I could even use the big table and not have to hide in our bedroom.  I wouldn’t have to lean over the bed, wrapping on top of the comforter; having to be careful not to cut fabric when I cut the wrapping paper. 

After about 3 hours, Pete and Sam called to say they were on their way home…”Did I need anything?”  “Yes,” I shouted, “I need you to stay gone two more hours!”  Sam wanted to know if I was wrapping stuff for him…he wants a razor scooter…the kind that sparks.  “No,” I said, “I don’t think there’s anything here for you yet.” 
Five hours later, I had everything wrapped…including the skooter….buried behind the tree.  Stocking stuffers are in five separate bags, ready to go when my family is down for the night.  I have a  new bottle of cough syrup to go in my stocking.  The kitty treats and toys are in their own gift bags.  

When hubby got home from work and the boys returned from the movies we had bowls of Superbowl Soup (shameless plug for past post) and corn bread.  I still haven’t asked what movie they saw, (maybe I don’t want to know) while enjoyed two more hours of wrapping in peace. 

This evening I walked past the tree.  There, hiding underneath was AJ, with her face buried in her gift bag. 
Even she can’t wait for Christmas.

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