So – here you are.
The usher didn’t help you to your seat, you found it yourself.
You have your play bill, your cell phone is off, but you are NOT ready for this performance.
You didn’t purchase tickets to this event; you didn’t even order season passes but once again you have been subjected to another performance of Devalue and Discard by the Narcissist.
You weren’t in the audience, you were on stage. You were unknowingly cast in this black comedy. You didn’t audition; you were hand picked by the Narcissist and you just experienced what you hope is your last D&D. How many times does this make now? I know, I lost track myself. You say to yourself, ”I have been abused by the Narcissist for the last time!”
An experience of Devalue and Discard at the hands of the Narcissist is like riding California Screaming (a roller coaster) but after 2 1/2 minutes the ride isn’t over… the ride operator says, “Let’s go again!” (Comparing the Narcissist to a roller coaster is not original, but oh so descriptive.)
Right now you are raw with emotions. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to be glad that the relationship is over. You may be thinking of ways to “fix” the situation, to “fix” him…you may be ready to go groveling back to him.
Please don’t do it. It will only give him more opportunities to devalue you. You will make it easy for him, requiring little or no energy on his part. I speak from experience, because I tried it.
Repeatedly.
That’s why I will say again, “Don’t do it.” The sadistic delight you will see on the Narcissist’s face will be evident while you try to make everything right…..because everything about the Narcissist is wrong.
You may not even know that your friend, boy friend, girl friend…fill in the blank…was an N. You may think that the abuse you suffered was warranted; that you did something to deserve this. But trust me, you didn’t. You didn’t deserve to have the stage curtain dropped on you.
You may not have a clue what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is…but you will. Believe me, you will…and when that light bulb goes off in your head, so many things are going to start falling into place. Soon, when you go on line and start doing research, so many things are going to make sense…as much sense as an emotional disturbed Narcissist can make.
While a part of you is dying to get the N back in your life, another part of you, perhaps your subconscious, is more grateful than you will ever possibly know that he’s gone. I called this point of time in my recovery ”Missing Pretend Guy.” It’s not original. It’s a phrase and thoughts from an individual named Alexandra Nouri
You have started start to move on, making connections with others who have been through similar circumstances. Those connections will be a blessing to you. Trust me. You’ve figured out what the N is…and more importantly, what he isn’t…and you have begun the slow healing process.
You cautiously believe that he is gone from your life for good. Reaching this point of acceptance has taken a long time. Some days, you might even feel “normal.” Then, out of the blue….or more appropriately black….here he comes again…and you are hit with his one two punch of D & D.
I call this “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.” Just when you think he’s gone he appears at the side of the stage to take another bow….or give another blow to your fragile self esteem. ”Hoovering” is a similar phrase, but when he’s “Hoovering” he’s trying to get back into your favor, for a time.
Don’t worry, his nice behavior won’t last long.
In case you have been fortunate enough to not have experienced an N at his full rage and power…here’s an example of how he spins his web of deception….personal experience…
The N befriends his target, his victim…usually female. Sometimes the N has an adequate amount of supply, so he may have many little minor sources of supply….sources that he may choose at some point in time to cultivate into major supply. Sometimes the N comes on slowly, maybe this is so we will be less suspicious of his true motives. Maybe he actually learned from previous “relationships” that swooping in on his quarry gets him supply for a much shorter period of time. Or, gets him nothing at all. Scaring off his victims before they are under his ’spell’ means more work for the N. And, if there’s one thing that tires out the N, it’s having to cultivate fresh, new Narcissistic Supply. He has to be on his best behavior, keeping his mask securely fastened…”Ho-Hum” this wears him out.
I don’t know if anyone has ever figured out why the N starts cultivating his ‘minor’ supply into a major, perhaps his main source of supply. I know in my case, the N had suffered the blow of losing, granted temporarily, his main source of narcissistic supply and comfort…I was in the wrong place at the right time. Or – perhaps that should be worded…I was in the wrong place at the wrong time…..
We know that generally speaking, it is the N who does the abandoning, not the supply/victim. The N must be careful in the beginning of the ‘relationship’ to have you reeled in before begining the D&D. In the beginning the N will make you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread…with or without the peanut butter.
I would hate to see/or to have experienced what would have happened if I had been the one to abandon the Narcissist.
The N idealizes his victim…for a while. He brings out the best in his target. He mirrors our good qualities back to us…I think the reason we think he is so fabulous…is because he is mirroring us! We are seeing ourselves…Hey, what’s not to like? The qualities we are seeing displayed…are us! These character traits are sadly lacking in the N.
We thrive for a time on his adulation. What human being doesn’t want to be valued, treasured, recognized for doing a great job? It is easy to be enticed by all the praise….what’s not to like about compliments? And well, gosh darn it…we think to ourselves ”you know, I really am quite a remarkable human being….”
I admit to my fragility. I wonder…..What was it about me, at that moment in time that drew the Narcissist to me? Why did he target me? What was it that made me so very vulnerable to his friendship?
How can I be sure to never do it again?
He is effusively complimentary of us at times. He may have started to compliment and degrade us in the same sentence. These underhanded verbal jabs can leave us confused…as confusing as the gaslighting.
As time goes on, the compliments are less frequent. The verbal put downs, the sarcastic comments and simply the body language, make us feel that we have done something horribly wrong to fall from grace in the eyes of The N.
I’d like to know why we I valued the opinion of the N?… Why did I care about falling from grace in the eyes of one so evil?….Why did I care so much that I tormented myself into to thinking that it was me and not him? Falling from the “grace” of the Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!
The abuse continues. As is the N’s protocol, he might throw his target a ‘bone.” He might give us a ‘moment of value’ and maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of “Pretend Guy” (thanks again Angel Fire). He is now constantly devaluing his victim….
…..as was my experience, this went on as long as it amused him. It was sadistic… he devalued me time after time. When I had been drained dry…it was time for the final Discard.
Discard…..that word reminds me of playing a card game with friends…a pleasant evening, and you have an opportunity to discard. Perhaps without even much thought, you throw those cards you no longer want into the pile…..the ones that don’t give you a ‘good hand’….without another thought.
After the Discard comes the feelings of being worthless, when it is the N who is worthless. We are weak and fragile, but we will call upon an inner strength that we didn’t know we had. The N is a weak and fragile toddler, with no ability to grow any further.
It is while you are feeling these things…weak, fragile, confused…that the ‘curtain calls’ start. At least they did for me.
Here you are trying to pull yourself together. You are trying to fix the broken pieces of your self esteem and your life; when he returns to the stage.
You think, maybe things will be okay… Maybe he will let me apologize, maybe he will tell me what it was that I did wrong. Once again-assuming all the blame…he adores that, since he is better than everyone and anything else. We are mistaken, he isn’t back for reconciliation, he’s back to twist the knife again.
The phrase Curtain Calls seems to be very appropriate for the Narcissist….with their flair for the dramatic, their mask and costuming…a wolf in sheep’s clothing…their repeated appearances in your life…I thought it was something I came up with on my own until I read a post by Dr. Sam Vankin…..
“But the narcissist is slow to abandon its victims. It is there, lurking, rendering existence unreal, twisting and distorting with no respite, an inner, remorseless voice, lacking in compassion and empathy for its victim. The narcissist is there in spirit long after it has vanished in the flesh. This is the real danger that the victims of the narcissist face: that they become like him, bitter, self-centred, lacking in empathy. This is the last bow of the narcissist, his curtain call, by proxy as it were.”
Fortunately for me and those around me, I did not become like the Narcissist. I think his ”curtain calls” would have continued, except I stopped attending his performances….when he left the stage…while he waited in the wings…waiting for the applause…the standing ovation….that never came…waiting for a narcissistic encore…
I left the theatre.
The house is dark….the Broadway tour is over….
I fervently hope there will not be a revival.
Thank you for this. I just had a the big Ah Hah moment about my “best friend” after working with my therapist on something else. When I read the characteristics, etc., I was horrified and embarrassed at what he had done to me. I’ve traced it back to the very beginning of our relationship. It is over 2 weeks now. I left him, and he has hovered. A final exchange yesterday caused him to “reject” me. And like I read everywhere, it will all be rewritten in his mind that what happened was all my fault, and that he rejected ME in the end. The final fight was so ridiculous in its inanity that even someone completely clueless was slammed in the face.
Your post is a wonderful summation and very descriptive. I too have read a lot of Dr Vankin – his info was the basis of my Ah Hah.
My “Ahh HA” moment left me dumfounded, slack jawed. It still seems unbelieveable that someone can be such a good actor, and yet so worthless as a human being.
Yes, in the end they put all the blame on us, just like the 2 year old who spills milk on the kitchen floor and blames the goldfish.
ES
Hi Elissestaurt,
Well…I am in absolute awe of your piece of writing. It is one part of a very large area of key issues i have experienced and have gone through.
Mr NPD groomed me at 16 years of age when i was vulnerable and lost. My mum had died 3 years before and my homelife was with an isolated step-dad and a bulling older sister. I was looking for escapism…However, i didn’t realise that at the time.Then along came the Nspider…
I am now 34 years of age and i mistakenly had his child. (son of the devil and Damien in the making).
Mr NPD had me believe i was brilliant and a star in the making. Like you said, he mirrored everything i was, subjects i studied i.e business studies was his anchor for keeping me with him. Very charming and oh so understanding…He could relate to me and the teenage rebellion (which wasn’t much as i was brought up to respect elders , be polite and never answer back and say no as this was rude) in me suddenly found her prince charming. He was going to resue me and take me away from my real life and forge a new one for me…with me. He was my new teacher and i was his student, and best of all he loved me wholeheartedly. He would never let me down and would always protect me from the big bad world. He was tough and well established. Had connections, money and a new car. Had his fingers in all the pies and was a real entrepeneur.
Mr N was someone i could learn from and be with and at 17, we went on our first ever date.
This was the worst mistake i ever made in my life. Fast forward to year 2009. I am still connected to him through our son. Mr N certainly knew how to emotional abuse and use my son against me. He was the corporal, the devils advocate and the mini me wind up merchant that would come back to me after his visits to his dad and display his fathers traits to a tee.
This of course, over the years broke me down and down and down and down and down…………………………………………….
I eventually started to use alcohol to blur my feelings, and block out the whole incidents. With my son they would start first thing in the morning and last til the evening. When he started school ( 4 in the uk) , he would critise and put down other kids in his class. He was the best and refused help with his work from teachers who were after four weeks already starting to pull their hair out. I could not explain at the time as what did i know. Hindsight now only allows me to look back and put the final pieces of the jigsaw into the puzzle.
My life was a living hell with Mr N and when my son was a baby i told him to leave my flat. He didnt go quietly i can tell you.
He would drive round to me at midnight and bang the door to wake my baby son and then phone me to laugh.
Other incidences were him driving around my area to spot me and stalk me and harrass then wind down his window and shout names c…, wh….. and you name it. I would instantly feel so embarrased and ashamed.
He had the desired effect he wanted. People observing this form of hideous abuse would look at me like i was a freak and what the hell had YOU done to him to make him so enraged with you. I could sense they thought i had betrayed him in some way and derserved that treatment. So much so, that when he constantly and physically attacked me with my baby in the street..observers would turn their heads another way. The police were never called.
Then there was the time my son was six WEEKS old. We were just going to the town centre. I had said NOTHING and it was the morning. He was feeling oh so sorry for himself as usual and i had switched off, didnt respond and never said a word to him. Suddenly he halted his car started an argument on his own (i never responded) and threw the baby carrier onto a side road. This was to get any sort of reaction from me. He wanted to wind me up. Now this whole relationship (7years by now) was getting VERY VERY Dangerous.
This is the point i decided i would terminate the relationship – -the point of NO MORE and NO RETURN. I HAD HAD IT.
He was about to drive off with me in the front passenger seat but i managed to get out and threw myself over the baby carrier to stop any cars running over my baby.
After that, i could take no more. WHen i told him to collect his stuff from my flat he went ballistic. I had to call the police several times. He always acted as if I WAS the problem! He even told the police i had a history of post natal depression and i needed him. He even put his arm around me and said so gently in the police presence, i love you so much and i’m here to support you. He acted mild and submissive to the police. They left without charging him or assisting me and even thanked MR N for bringing it to their attention.
When they left, he was with me …Countdown, within 5 minutes he went into a RAGE. I was to blame, i had ruined his life and all his plans. He was going to be the top Actor (he was infact in the Royal Shakespear Company before i met him).
I was worthless, and had not supported him properly. Look at all he had done for me. And the rest……………………..
Now lets Fast forward again from 1998 to 2009.
He is still in my life through our son. I cannot run away for my sons sake. Believe me i have dreamed of it a thousand times. I met a loving man 3 years ago. We intend to marry soon.
Mr N has noone left in his life, all his g/friends left him. Running miles away. One last year left him for one of his mates!
Mr N has no friends and he is now 42. His looks have gone and the ugliness, souless and his inner deep self-hate paints the words on his face as if a warning to others to stay away from this self-pitying paracite.
His ‘mother’ emotionally abused him at an early age. She was a drunk.
His grandparents (now dead ) over compensated for this and overly praised him. Mr N has never had the fair discipline – consequences for your actions as most children do.
This MR N is by far the worst case of NPD i have experienced and still yet to find over the internet anyone who can even match this MR N.
He really is a one off. But, i am having the last laugh. I used to say to him…In the end everyone will leave you and you’ll have noone. No one to listen to you ..or lie to or use as your gopher.
He never wanted to get married, he got that and a series of volatile relationships where he sucked them in but left him.
His best bet now is to roam the streets for another vulnerable teenager to take to his web…..and repeat the same again.
And when he does. I’ll be there…
Along came the spider….but this time it will be squashed.
P.S
If you are shocked by the above then you haven’t experienced MR NPD….
Dont be fooled by the fact that i am living a happy life with my partner and it is all a happy ending.
My son is 12 and still sees his father…..I live every day with an emotional ball and chain around my neck. I have now become my own worst enemy…I imagine what i can do to him, i anticipate Mr N’s next move evry day like a sick game of chess. But this is no ordinary game of chess. This is a never ending game where checkmate doesn’t exist, a treadmill if you like. A sick and twisted twilight existance.
For me, the torture continues…Outwardly i appear in control, essential for blocking MR NPD’s next move.
Outwardly i appear i have moved on with my life, something MR NPD applauds me for but in secret and behind his closed doors, hates and resents this.
….But Mr NPD is in my thoughts and my head every waking second, lurking in the wings, on standby like the main actors understudy. For me the theatre continues in my mind forever…There is no let up, peace or rest.
For me, my life ended the day i met MR N.
Am i bitter?….Yes
am i resentful?…..yes.
do i hate ?…..yes.
i hate everything that seems beautiful and caring. I find myself having conversations within my own mind about the news people..interviewers sometimes out load to the point where i will talk to myself in the mirror about how low they are and what do they know about the ‘real’world
How dare they be soooooooooo jolly about trivial rubbish and try to be oh so gracious when passing over to the next news reader.
Am i critical ?…..yes.
I fear…i am now an NPD in the making and there is nothing i can do about it…….
Oh Sonnybonny, do trust that there is something you can do about it. You are aware of it and you “FEEL” emotion.
You feel anger yes… you even feel bitter… Although these emotions will harden the soul over a period of time, if you intervene now, you can cut through the stony exterior of your heart, and reveal the flesh of “love and life” that lies within. Trust me, it is there…. we all have it, even narcissists… Its just that over time and an inability to cope and an unwillingness to “let go” and change, that stony exterior became thicker and thicker. Imagine trying to chip away at a cement wall with an icepick. It may take years or even decades to get through and who would want to invest that much time in getting back to a place we have long forgotten about?… love has been forgotten for N’s. You my dear have not forgotten. You remember.
Now if you managed to build up a stone wall and you are willing to chip away at it until it comes tumbling down, you have to want to invest time and energy into doing so. Who said that you only have to rely on an icepick? Heck, bulldoze the darn thing down if you have the mental and emotional capacity to do so.
Think about a person who wants to escape from prison and is serving a life sentence 10x over. He has this unspoken desire to get back to what he “knows” before he forgets about this “knowing” altogether. The “knowing” I speak of is freedom.
So lets say that he learns there is a large man sized drainage pipe that is connected to his cell and leads out to a water source not 5 miles out from the facility. This knowledge entertains him and although the notion of escape elates him… the feeling is usually fleeting as the idea of his confinement and even the very security of it creeps in. Let’s even say this man is innocent and justified in his escape. Shall he remain bound until the powers that be grant his release if ever?
So the man realizes that even though he can risk everything he currently “knows” through his opportunity to escape, it is his final resting choice that will ultimately assist in his decision on whether he sits around for years in the current “known” that he has become accustom to for say… the last 10 years, or finally confiscate that spoon from the cafeteria, shave it to a fine point and literally chip away at the wall towards a way of escape no matter how long it takes for him to penetrate it. The chipping is the desire… the need… a constant reminder of the outside “known” that the part of him that is still alive wants so much to be reunited with.
I am going on and on here… but just wanted to emphasize that there is hope for those that still feel and still believe, even if only in small fractions. It’s the willingness to push towards a greater mark of a greater calling that validates whether or not we have succeeded in life or entertained the failure of just mere existence.
I’m a 23 year old gay guy, and my first full on relationship was pretty intense and left me quite confused with not a ton of closure. I’m not really sure how to handle communicating with my ex anymore. I’m pretty sure he has some traits of Narcissism or Borderline Personality.
Things between us started out pretty awesome. Almost a bit intense for me, but in all the same, I really enjoyed it. He was extremely sweet and sincere to me. He went out of his way to make me feel special, and he really expressed the fact that he wanted us to be together. He would text me something sweet every morning or call me to wake me up, and over all he just was super attentive.
As soon as we moved into the stage of actually being “in a relationship”, the dynamics definitely changed. His intensity changed. He didn’t text me every morning, and he wouldn’t always call me back when he said he would. He would go out on weekends with his friends and drink a ton, and he would stop replying to text messages late on those nights. I would express concerns, and he would apologize sometimes, but his actions never changed. He talked about his “ex” (who had cheated on him and apparently really left him in a bad state) on a very consistent basis… and he would almost never follow up the comments about his ex with “…, but I’m so glad to have you” or “…, but I’m much happier with you”, etc.
I travel a lot for my job and he also lived about an hour away from me, so a lot of our relationship was on the phone. We would talk and text a fair amount, but the tone wasn’t the same as it was in the beginning. It was essentially him calling to update me on his day, etc. He would occasionally send a sweet text message (primary communication for him), however, his actions didn’t necessarily follow what those texts would say. I began to feel like this friend who was in love with him, but the feelings weren’t quite the same in return. We only saw each other one or two times each week sometimes, and when we would spend time together, we never “got to know” each other. It was so much on the surface. We would watch a movie, or go get dinner, then maybe stop and see his friends, come home, he would watch tv, and then would want to go to sleep. There wasn’t much deep conversation, and his attention was almost never directly on me. He would often make big promises to do something with me or plan a trip or something, and then he wouldn’t follow through at all.
As far as being a two way relationship, it definitely was not that quite often. I would take us out for a $60 steak dinner, and when I went out with him, he would have the check split. We even went to walmart for a snack one time, and he paid for all of his things, and left a $0.59 yogurt behind (my item) for me to pay for on my own. He didn’t think twice about things like this.
There is a difference in being with somebody (in the presence of) and actually giving your attention to somebody. When I would try and explain these things, it was almost as if it was in my head. Sex even began changing. At first, he was the one who really was more forward about. He also would send sexual txts, etc. sometimes on a daily basis. After we were in the relationship, I would often try to get him interested, and he seemed to make me feel like I always wanted it (we were seeing each other sometimes once per week). This was one of the only times I actually had his full attention, so I think that’s what I really wanted more than anything.
One additional thing that I found to be very fascinating is that he became very suspicious of needing to know what I was up to and with whom I was spending my time with often. I hung out with a few gay friends of mine. I had dated them both, but I explained to him we were both just friends. Each time I would casually mention I was hanging out with them, he would get extremely uncomfortable, and he would text me very sarcastic messages, and an argument would usually start. I never ever did anything to cheat on him, and I never tried to come across as hiding anything.
After about three months, I really was drained from the whole thing. I felt so disappointed that it didn’t work, and I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. Things weren’t going in this amazing direction in which he seemed to promise. I broke up with him. After two weeks, he came to take me to dinner. He wrote me an extremely sweet card, and bought me a gift. We tried it again for another two weeks or so, then things went right back into the same way they’d been. Again, I broke up with him. I was a mess over this. I was in love with this guy, but I knew it was the right thing to do, because really didn’t seem like it was ever going to turn around and go in a good direction. Things essentially got to the point where there wasn’t much of a great relationship there at all, and I felt more alone with him than I did by myself.
I ended up reading “Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist” and “Men Who Can’t Love”, both books on relationships with Narcissistic Partners. They really shed some light on things for me in a great way.
That was in October. About a month went by, and he began texting me. He’d say things like “I’m sorry for not holding on to you and treating you right.” He seemed so genuine. I would entertain his ideas, but then he wouldn’t get serious. This went on for a while. Then he’d go through these cycles again. I finally wrote him a letter explaining the reasons why I couldn’t be in the relationship and why it wasn’t working. He actually wrote me back, and he was pretty articulate. He didn’t address every issue, but He apologized for his actions, and he said he hoped I would be in his life still in some form, whether as friend or romantically. We even met up after that, but then after that he didn’t call or text for about a week. Then he’d kinda go through cycles again of expressing how he missed me, etc., but never really following through. I told him if it was going to work, there had to be a plan as to how to get there… you can’t just ignore things and expect them to work. He didn’t have an answer. He never wanted to get together and actually talk about the problems in the relationship.
This past weekend, he randomly asked me to go see a movie with him and his friend. I hadn’t seen him in about 3 months, so I decided I’d go. We saw the movie, talked a bit casually throughout it, and then he said he had to take his friend home and get going afterwards. That was it. I figured he would want to get coffee or talk or something, but nothing. Then about 30 minutes later, as I expected, he began texting me on how he missed me, etc. I told him that I figured he would have wanted to get coffee and catch up. He said something to the effect of, “that would have been nice, but I had to do a few things”. I was just perplexed that he asked me to see the movie, and then that was it.
I don’t even know how to communicate with him anymore. This cycle seems to be the trend, and I don’t think he will ever come to me to try and actually fix the problems. He says I’m the one for him, but he won’t “do anything about it”. I can’t do it for him… I’ve gotten past most of everything, and I’m not losing sleep over the guy anymore (which feels amazing, btw), but I just don’t know why on earth he keeps doing what he does, or how I should reply to his messages.
Ryan: I would encourage you to NOT reply to his messages. He’s doing what he does to “suck” you back in to the pathology. Don’t play the game. You have figured out what he is…don’t play with the narcissistic disordered person! I talk about NC = No Contact in a few of my posts…I forget how many I have actually written. Missing Pretend Guy would be a good post to read. I talk about NC in that one. Follow the time honored rules….No Contact at all. Don’t reply to his messages, delete them. I hope you will feel the power that comes from ignoring the N.
ES
I survived a narcisstic relationship a few years back, I realised the damage it was causing albeit, a little too late however better late than never! 6 yrs later I find myself identifying yet another one, this one was/is far more damaging and in hindsight stretched back over 14yrs-my own stepmother although she was so clever at her game, we didnt find out she was our stepmother until day after my fathers funeral (they married a few days after dad was told he only had months to live, apparently her solicitor thought it was a good idea, despite dad having reservations!!) I am trying to “rescue” me and mine once again but we will get there. The hardest part to understand/cope with is the fact that these type of people don’t carry a concience, don’t give you a second thought or glance, they take everything and give nothing. Self-serving.
steffiw: Like you I have been noticing more characteristics of N’s in others. A family member I am close to seems to be displaying N and Borderline characteristics. In the beginning of recovery I saw N People Everywhere!
ES
Thank you so much for the replies. I think that the no contact thing is probably best too… but do I simply just stop replying to texts, etc.? Or do I explain that I can’t do go back and fourth anymore, etc.? It’s hard for me to ignore somebody or do something like that, because I am not like that… but this is such a different scenario…
Ryan: You sound a lot like me, I thought I should explain why I was not going to stand for the abuse anymore…
After the ‘umpteenth’ session of D & D…we finally realize that we are going to have no trouble being “mean.”
NC is a learned technique. Sometimes you may even end up “N-dipping” and I am here to tell you that you will regret it.
If you ever, like me, witness the N looking at their cell phone screen as you are calling them…and they promptly hit the ignore button…dismissing your call…..?
You’ll have NO problem with NC.
Read Missing Pretend Guy again, not to boost my ratings but for yourself…esp. the part about No Contact. IT means No Contact.
So this last week has been a bit weird. He txts me to tell me he misses us and that it’s really hard on him that we’re not together. As much of a message as I could actually convey in a text, I told him that I really think he misses the idea of “us” more than he actually misses me or “getting to know me”. I mentioned the movie day where he didn’t even show interest in catching up or spending more time together. I said a time or two that this type of conversation isn’t best for text messages (does that not pretty directly imply a phone conversation or something in person?), AND when he told me that he just was a mess and wished he knew how to make things better, I said he could start by being a real friend. He didn’t quite understand what I meant and thought he was a real friend. He then continues the next morning to send me a text that says “hope you have a great day”, and then this morning to tell me about how amazing a new CD is that he just bought.
I really see that he misses me and he wants us to be together, but I think we’re in such a different mindset, he has can’t do anything more. I mean, I really don’t understand why he won’t pick up the phone, call me, and say I miss you, AND… I want to fix things. It’s that second part. He just continually holds on to the first part.
It’s just hard for me to completely ignore him when it appears he really does mean well. On the other hand, something like this can’t go on and on and on, because it can be draining. Does anybody have any insight as to why somebody like this would continue to express that he misses me and cares about me and wishes things were better, but WON’T actually do anything about it, even when the door is left wide open? Is this common?
Thanks
Ryan: I had hoped that you would read more about NC on the web.
Is it common? For a Narcissist it sure is.
Why would somebody continue these behaviors you mention, and then not do anything about it?
Because he is a Narcissist. It’s what the personality disordered do.
They have crazy behavior, nothing they say or do makes sense (after a while.)
They continue to keep you hanging because it’s what they do, they like to make others feel as off balance as they do.
I call it “Yo-Yo” behavior. Think about how a yo-you operates. Up and down…to use another analogy…a roller coaster ride.
Just when you think you are getting close…they create distance again.
It will be like that until YOU, create the distance and stop playing his little game. His game…is only going to make you frustrated, off balance, feeling crazy….and guess what? That is precisly his plan.
Try NC for two weeks…and remember what that means….NO Nothing! No Contact with him.
Tell me that you don’t feel normal and sane after the two weeks are up.
ES
Anybody have any thoughts on the above post? Or even any literature online that might enlighten me on studies done on Narcissists/BPD/Commitmentphobes. I think I just want to learn why somebody would get this way or do these things. Thanks everyone.
Ryan: Try these sites -
narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.synthasite.com/ – 17k
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/narcissistic/index.html
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/narcissistic-personality-disorder/menu-id-62/ – 56k
This should be enough to get you started.
ES
[...] to kick that person to the curb – yet again. My friend Elisse wrote about this in her post “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.” If you keep going back to More, you’ll get D&D’d yet [...]
now in my rss reader )))
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So I’ve not replied in about 3 weeks. Things have been good. He’s send me a text or two, but I haven’t replied. This morning he sends me one that says, “just thinking about you… hope you’re doing well”.
With something like that, it’s hard for me to not reply at all… even just to say I hope he’s doing well too. Do you guys just completely ignore messages like that? I’m just not used to totally being cold and not replying one bit. If any of his actions made sense, it might be a tad easier… Haha.
Yes, it is difficult not to respond when they are mirroring human qualities. Yes, I think that I can speak for the other targets of Narcissists that I’ve have met when I say that….. Yes, we ignore messages like that. The N is doing what some of us like to call “Hoovering.” The N is trying to suck you back in. Sometimes the behavior is very mild. Other times it borders on the extreme.
This is the time to refresh your memory. NC. No Contact.
ES
It’s amazing how a smart person can feel so dumb, but I guess it’s not about being smart or not, is it?
I think trusting, generous and kind folks get blind-sided by these people. For me, I just wouldn’t believe that a person would knowingly do that to me.
I had to get over myself and realize that it wasn’t personal…this guy would do this to anyone who’d let him.
The illusion that you can make things work is only that. More like a delusion…please don’t try. Boy…will you suffer.
Congrats to all of you recovering…
YOUR NPD sister,
Lori
All -
“I just wouldn’t believe that a person would knowingly do that to me.”
Yes, exactly. I kept making the mistakes that I now realize are classic in a “relationship” between an NPD and his kind-hearted victim: thinking that if I only explained more clearly how his behavior made me feel, he’d realize what he was doing and stop. But of course, it only made him crueler, and me more humiliated. NC is for the best.
I find comfort in a beautiful Chinese proverb: “That which will bring light, must endure the burning.” Good luck to everyone.
—Burned but now Enlightened
“We thrive for a time on his adulation. What human being doesn’t want to be valued, treasured, recognized for doing a great job? It is easy to be enticed by all the praise….what’s not to like about compliments? And well, gosh darn it…we think to ourselves ”you know, I really am quite a remarkable human being….””
ha!! I think we call it LOVE or LIMERANCE and it feels amazing! Our whole body chemistry changes while we bask in complete and total acceptance! How can we know it’s not the real deal until something so terrible happens that we can hardly believe what happened? Your roller coaster analogy is perfect—up, up, up and then WHOOSH!
Narcissistic Curtain Calls—very nice post, Elisse!
And by the way, you ARE a remarkable human being.
Hugs,
CZBZ
Thank you so much for this blog, it gives you some hope of relief in your healing journey. I let the N have too many curtains calls and his last encore, was sleeping with me and discarding me for a married woman he had just met less than 5 months ago. After we had been together for 2 years. WOW! But I am free now but still working on it. To know that this person needs help and all I tried to do was love them, now it is time to turn that love within to heal myself and know that all is well and this to shall pass. We need to continue to pray for all the N’s and the victims, and those of us that have made it out. We need to help with compassion and be a support to those that reach out to be helpled. God Bless You All.
I am glad it has been of a blessing to you. es
I’m glad I found this website. I believe I was with a N myself until I broke up last week. This guy I met online was very attentive in the beginning… text messaging me a few times a day with sweet messages… calls, we saw each other 4-5 times a week. He would even want to come see me after his hockey night games after he played and would stay over. He used the term “would you like to have a sleepmate?” I thought this guy was sweet, romantic, attentive and really likes me from the beginning. Problem was that he is separated recently from a person he lived for a very long time. He mentioned how he was going to therapy, blah blah. (he was sad of the separtation but moved on because his wife was selfish in money and would not give him sex). However, he would go and see her frequently and do laundry at her house since he didnt’ feel like spending a few bucks in the coin laundry in his apartment. (I did not like this, but I brushed it off) about 4 weeks into dating, we took a quick trip to a city. He paid for the hotel (mind you, he was bragging constantly how he makes superb income and that he owns his own business). We get to the city, he wants to go to a restaurant where I was not too keen on it. We went… he ordered sooo much food… I didn’t understand what was going on… the bill came, so I looked at it and it was expensive. I asked “let’s split this”… he sat there proudly and says “no, YOU pay this bill”. I got so mad, paid it and stormed out. He later said how he didnt think he was going to pay everything for the trip. I also didn’t assume that, but I told him how I did not appreciate how he handled it infront of people. He had NO emotion or anything. I was very very sad. Other instances… I told him that I don’t really like the idea of him doing laundry, etc at his ex’s…. he just says “I will do whatever I think is right”. I knew at that point that he is into HIMSELF and only his thoughts. He has no empathy. In the beginning, he was constantly bragging how genious and smart he is. He finished this school, that school, almost finished PHd… etc.. (comes from abusive family) how he is so smart in his business… exaggerated about some inventions (I don’t believe) after a while I stopped saying “wow, that is great”… and just listened. I thought this is odd. Other examples: He talked about how we would get me some lingerie (although I did NOT ask) but never did…. in a restaurant would NOT order beer or wine… I would have one and he would sip out of my glass… counts pennies, tells me how I can save on gas if I won’t accelerate the way I do… in simplicity, did NOT want to SPEND ANY MONEY. I know of some stingy people, but this is over the top, almost like an illness with him. In the 5th week.. I was nothing but cooking for him when he visited me. He suddenly stops with his sweet messages, all of a sudden doesn’t really want to hang out with me on weekends like he used to with excuses of “I need to clean my apartment, I need to work, etc.” I let it go, but it just became evern worse. Plus, he mentioned how he truly believes that terminally ill people should be killed in order for government, etc to save money. THAT DID IT. I broke up with him. He didn’t even ask me WHY I broke up with him, but I told him a few things like about how he cannot associate with my feelings, etc. 4 days later, he is calling me asking me to hang out with him for dinner, etc… I really will not go… its just a trap I think. But, strange how my mind wonders and still thinks maybe he is fixable… but I know he does NOT care about anyone or anything but himself. This guy would spend so much money on himself for some weird things like laser hair removal???!!! but for a woman, he does not think he needs to do anything. Or if he does, its something about him, like he brought some bath oil so that he can have sex later with me. SICK. I hope no one too will go back with Ns…. they suck everything out of you and that’s it.
Cosmo – I’m glad you found my blog too. Many of the things you shared about the N, sound a lot like my experiences with the N. I refuse to say “my N” or “your n” because they have nothing to do with us. Having had them in our lives is an unfortunate incident. Glad he’s a dust speck in the rear view mirror of life.
ES
So glad I have found this site and many, many others. I only wish I had put two and two together earlier. After my D&D, I had to continue to work with N for almost a year…one of the most painful experiences to date! I didn’t understand the whole concept of curtain calls, etc, but so thankful I had a therapist and good friends who supported me. Yep, NC is the way to go. It gives you a well-deserved chance to get rid of the brain fog and gain some perspective.
Missy: I glad you found my site too. I agree, having to work with the N was one of the most miserable things I had to push through. I am just so grateful that he is finally gone…I hope. More about his final exit another time. ES
This is a great web site- I have been in denial that I have been devalued- I don’t even have the words to express what I am feeling right now but I know from reading the above posts that I have been involved with an N for 10 years Bad thing We work together so I can’t have no contact. Every day he is telling me about his new girlfriend even though in December he told me he loved me and did not want to mess up our relationship. We bought a dog together and traveled the county I took care of his children and then he met ” a friend” who he told me I had no reason to worry- He only wanted to be a friend to her and have coffee I kept his children and even Ironed his shirts so he could go meet her as I trusted this to be true. Now he is moving in with her and tells me when he told me that “he meant it at the time” but I just heard what I wanted to- Talk about CRAZY making. He called me at 6AM to tell me he had spent the night in the hospital because his new girlfriend had to have her heart shocked ( why did he call me) and in fact 2 years earlier when he was in relationship with me- I fell while we were having dinner in a restaurant and he dropped me off at the emergency room leaving me there alone all night and the next day. Does everyone feel such a lack of self esteem when they have been left by an N? I keep imagining that he will never do this to his new love but it has only been 3 months I don’t know why but I just want to know he is not going to act any different with her. I am an intellegent professional woman, who gave up my marriage and almost lost my grown daughters and family and friends because they all saw him as “strange and using me” WHY did I not see it and why does it hurt so bad when he is so cruel to me at work?? Thanks for letting me go on and on!!! Hearing your stories have helped me realize I may not be the crazy one after all
Susan: You are definitely NOT the crazy one. I can totally relate having worked with “The N” as well. I refuse to call him mine. I hope you will read more here. Narcissistic Curtain Calls was written partially with a blog friend in mind who kept having repeat performances from “her N.” I know “No Contact” is not possible for everyone…but even not answering his calls and texts will give you some release from the fog.
ES
The D&D is bothering me a lot. Thanks for the site.
The D&D is so abusive and degrading. The damage it causes to one’s self esteem lasts for a long time.
Thanks so much for this blog- and Ryan for your posts. It helped me so much.
When I was dating my N, it was him that did all the pursuing. He constantly referenced long term, made jokes about rings and weddings. Then one day, 20 minutes after we completed a dual-family dinner, he announces he’s unhappy in the relationship, still wants to be friends and do things (all the fun of a relationship with no obligation on his part), but that I shouldn’t plan on us being together. He said our trips etc didn’t mean anything to him.
At the time I was shocked, but looking back I realized I missed all the red signs for NPD.
-He always introduced me as his lawyer gf (He only had 1 year of college). He consantly referred to his dad’s job which was a prominent position and he was interested in meeting my family members that held prestigious jobs.
- When it was my turn to pay for a date it was $50 meals at sushi bars (I dont like fish), When it was his turn, he would have forgotten his wallet, or we were running late for the movie so why don’t you get the tickets while I park, or here’s a stouffer’s frozen dinner.
_He knew I was insecure about the way I looked. He would always make comments about movie stars and how hot they were. Or Inidian girls are hot and blondes are over-rated. (I am a natural blonde) There was no intimacy – he would rather stay up to 4 am playing world of warcraft instead of coming to bed with me. He knew I was trying to watch my weight/what I ate and would constantly offer fattening foods.
_If I suggested something that I wanted to do, I either had drag him to do it or he would maek a counter-offer and I would capitulate because in my mind I was thinking does it really matter what we do? I didn’t relaize it was all one sided. The one time I said I wanted to watch tv for 1/2 (he was playing games on it and I had previously spent hours having to watch his japanese animae) he put a picture in a picture and said “oh the incredibles are on, let’s watch that”
_I ended up doing all the work around the house (without a thank you) it started as projects together but then it was up to me. Molding dishes in sink- if I didn’t take care of them the next weekend they were still there.
_He would direct the conversation to him. He told everyone what he got me for valentine’s day, expecting praise about how great he was. Another time, he randomly brought up in conversation about a b-day gift he got his dad and wasn’t it working great. While watching a movie at his parents, his parents and I started a brief conversation related to something in the movie (ratiouuee sp/ – its a cartoon) and he had to shush us and restat the move.
So after all this I ask myself why do I feel bad about this relationship? I was always having to think of ways to keep him entertained and was ignoring my friends, family and hobbies. Yet, I miss that pretend guy I had companionship and fun with. We had contact for about 2 weeks after the break up (exchanging stuff, a lot of me asking what went wrong, and yelling at him for posting himself back on pof.com with incorrect credentials – a degree and job that he doesn’t have) I have made it 2 weeks without emailing him and it’s a slow process. Like Ryan- it’s all I can do to prevent myself from emailing him to share the funny thing that happened at work, etc. Thanks for making me feel not so alone.
Karen: I am glad you found my blog. That period of time when I wanted to contact the XN to share a funny thing that happened at work, etc. that was very difficult. I understand the spot where you find yourself. It will eventually pass. Just remember that the No Contact is better than any funny story you might want to share. No Contact sends a very powerful message.
Karen! It’s great to read your story. I ended up finally blocking all of my ex’s texts and calls on my cell… and it’s been the best thing ever. It let me heal, and I never had to be an *** **** and have a huge blow out. I just CAN’T read any more texts or calls so therefore I don’t have a reason to reply. Let your heart heal is the biggest piece of advice. Make an agreement to give your heart like 2 or 3 months at LEAST before you even can talk to him… maybe even tell him that. Then you will be in a different place. It took me way too long to get over my ex, and he kept me hanging on. If I’d cut it off earlier, I’d healed much quicker and not wasted so much time…
Ryan: Good to hear from you. I am so glad you gave NC a chance and that you are recover(ing)ed. That is really great news!
ES
OK- I have made it a month with no contact – and it would have been the one year anniversary.
The last time I had contact was when I wanted to get some cabinets back. I emaield him (because iI didn’t have his phone number since I deleted it) and I cc’d his parents.
He started this thing with I will return them on my timeline – but then his mom responded, of course anytime you want them – and he realized I had cc’d his parents – he went ape mad-started threatening etc don’t call him at work, (I made one phone call about property when he used to call me at work about his owrkd of warcraft scores.)
Basically I got them when I wanted to get them, but he ranted and raved in front of his mom.
His mom just said – oh when he gets in a tough spot he tends to run away and blame others- it will change as he grows up. (um he’s 25). Maybe when things cool down you guys can get back together I miss having you around.
Everyone that heard him said you are WAY better off. I know it but the hardest thing is that I want HIM to realize he lost something special and he doesn’t think that way.
I know that he is an unhappy person and that its not going to change – he will still be looking for who he is and someone to give him “credence” and I pity him because it borders on pathetic but I have to remind myself to pity from afar.
Thanks for letting me rant!
Karen – Happy to let you rant. Great idea to cc his parents. Now he can’t say that you said something that you didn’t. Wasn’t it nice for his mom to say she misses you and for her to see his temper tantrum? Of course, she seen the tantrums since he was 2. I used to wish that the N would realize that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him…having me for a friend. Then I realized that was never going to happen.
I used to pity the N too, but I got over that really easy.
ES
Readers: I needed to edit this comment before it was viewed.
When my oldest son asked me about my blog the last view days, I told him about this comment. He was amazed. I’ve refer to this one as “Dildo’s a plenty”…
Subject: I’m the trophy girlfriend no more
ANY thoughts/ advice/ info you may have would be so appreciated. He has property of mine. Will he try and contact to return it? Obviously seems best I should just consider it gone .
I dated HIM for about 2-3 months. Its only been 5 days since we split. Met him ONLINE.
The first three weeks we talked on phone for NO LESS than 5 HOURS EVERY NIGHT.
We dated for approximately 6-7 weeks.
My experience was short term. I am asking you to help me understand please ..
He is OBSESSED with sex toys & pornography.
His collection of vibrators, (60- 80) inanimate objects, porn DVD’s would have out-done a well-stocked adult shop warehouse.
He has 2 kids age 8 and 10 living with him 50% of the time, both already displaying seriously unusual tendencies.
I have serious concerns for those 2 kids who I feel I’ve turned my back on. Are they at risk? They, themselves warned my own son (age 9) to be prepared “Our dad goes through lots and lots of girlfriends”.
During that initial blissful period when he wooed me. 2 weeks into it he is building a terrific crescendo toward an evident ‘Surprise” he says he has for me. The build up was astonishing. I am piqued and my girlfriends have opinions. One says it’s a romantic weekend, one says ‘He will ask you to marry him!! “ :O (er- he’d have to get Divorced first..), I am wondering if it’s the tickets to that promised ‘trip to Paris’ that he will take me on (Yeah right).
So the night arrives and a blind-fold leads me to the “Surprise”. Twirls and mood music. Blind fold off. And it’s a sex swing. Erm.
So it is clearly evident there is no gift surprise for me but indeed he’s bought HIMSELF (yet another) gift. The persona character he portrayed was one of high-class, poise and suave polite gentlemanliness. In actual fact he is deviate, crass, and crude and would often be disrespectful. Always seeking an audience.
Little did he know I would have been so much happier with just a bunch of $12- roses?
The sex obsession is truly weird. Is this typical of an N?
As soon as I started working him out his interest in sex waned immensely. He informed me he would restrict me of sex until I improved my ways (said I was constantly shitty/ negative/ procrastinate/ indecisive toward the end. Noted that all those high-lighted criticisms are exactly those which I use to describe my own flaws. He only endorsed them plus reiterated them 100-fold.
He dumped me like a sack of potatoes once I started seeing thru him. He also severely let-down his children and my son all under age 10 in the process and he didn’t give a flying toss.
At least now I do understand this so called ‘professional, fun, classy businessman’s DEPENDANCY on Facebook and Chat etc.
Is it right, I should assume that’s where he was seeking out his next victims?
The first time I was taken to his SHOWPIECE home… he insisted he purchased for me as welcome ‘a gift’, a Pole. As in Pole dancing and he was thrilled to the eyeballs with his new purchase for ME.
Hmm, he then failed to recall his claim of it being a gift, when 1 week later he’s scrolling me thru his 100’s of Facebook photos –mainly of himself (I call them the self-validation files). There photographed and dated- is his home, with the pole seen. Dated 2 yrs prior. I held out on that one til some time later when it was appropriate. He actually appeared visually embarrassed on that one. In the lie phase he’d even insisted his children had informed the ex-wife (their mother) of the pole and about (me). And he relayed that the wife was furious. This delighted him.
OMG the wife – whatever did he DO to her?? According to him she’s an alcoholic blah blah. As in all versions of any story- he is the victim.
Please guide me. I caught him in his lies- my adoration slowed and he reciprocated to publicly humiliate and disrespect me, it was appalling. I, in essence finished it with him. I have property at his house. Haven’t heard from him since the split, 4 days back. I am deleted/ blocked/ slandered.
Is he finished with me now? Or will he be back. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to admit this.. I miss (who I thought was*) Him
Trophy Girlfriend
Dear Trophy:
You certainly have had a time of it haven’t you?
I believe you have encountered the rare(r) species of Narcissist known as a “Somatic” narcissist.
The N that targeted me was “cerebral” meaning he was the “thinking” type.
It sounds like the N that found you…could have provided porn and accessories for a small country. Nothing says love and commitment like a “used pole.”
I don’t know what property of yours he still has…hope it’s not a vehicle..but I hope that you can replace it, or do without. Contact with him again is not worth it. Forget about your property. It’s a small price to pay.
It is the best thing for your son would be that neither you nor your son, sees this man again. I am sorry for the N’s two children; I know you are worried about them. Their mother needs to file a petition to have the N’s custody overturned. If you wanted to involve Social Services…you could contact the department for this in your country, anonymously…and report him when he custody of his kids. But know this…N’s play dirty…he could turn the tables on you…because he would figure out who tipped them off.
From what you have told me, N’s home is not an environment for goldfish to be raised in…let alone children.
You say that the N says the childrens’ mother is an alcoholic….often N’s make up horrible false stories about their past sources of supply. But if she is an alcoholic….can you blame her?
1. Don’t contact him, don’t try to get your things back. Don’t answer his calls etc if he ever contacts you. But from what his children say, he dumps the potatoes and moves on. Be grateful…although I am sure you feel truly mashed.
2. Focus on your own child and nurture him through this travesty.
3. Take care of yourself and keep educating yourself on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I know these are strong words, but your son and yourself are the top priority.
Elisse Stuart
Hi Elisse,
Well thank-you for responding such compelling advice. I must also thank-you for the first heart-felt laugh u gave me ;
Nothing says love and commitment like a “used pole.”
..God, how funny. But I heard you x
Anyway as I continue trying to come to terms with feeling so unworthy etc. I STILL dont get the sex-toys obsession. Is it pure deviate? Or is it some kind of validation in his/ their warped way of thinking? Or maybe the real truth is the reality that he really wasnt so hot in the cot as what he would like to believe “Tell me how good I am” lmao ..omG!
Inadequacy can lead to over-compensation?
Used pole ..lol
Thx again Elisse ..for taking the time
-Trophy No More
Dear Trophy- I am glad I was able to make you laugh. Laughter really is healing.
Coming to terms with the D&D is going to take a long time…don’t be hard on yourself when you find it takes more time than you thought to recover.
I don’t think any of us who were victims of the Narcissit can understand the disorder at the beginning of our journey…much less their deviant behavior. Seriously….that amount of porn….that clearly indicates he has a problem. It really isn’t necessary to understand exactly what the problem is….it’s most important to RUN in the other direction.
I have a link to Halcyon on the side bar of my blog. Check that out. The author is fantastic and was one of the first people I read and yellow highlighted when I found out what the N in (my) life was. I refuse to say “my”….as far as I am concerned, the N is dead, buried and turned to ash. That’s what happens when “sunlight” hits a vampire.
(personally between you and me…I thought “Dildo’s a plenty” was a scream!)
ES
Trophy-
Hang in there. Before my N left me he was always on Facebook. I think it was a way for him to find validation when I was seeing through him. The vampire analogy is right. Somewhere, someone called them energy vampires- they suck all the energy and life out of you. Put the energy back into the things that YOU love- not him or his kids. (I think narcissts have kids to get attention from themselves.
They are sick and we will NEVER understand them because we have feelings and standards. I am still learning too – but as my friends and family tell me – I was way too good for him and he knew that I was making him look bad. So don’t consider yourself unworthy- consider yourself out of his league.
Hang in there
Damsel: I agree, and I like to think of it as the N not being in our league…meaning…N’s are not among the living, feeling caring human beings. While we can spend all our energies trying to figure out why they did what they did…there’s really no point in doing so.
ES
Thanks All- for the support.
Can anyone tell me why I now fear for my safety? I am experiencing terrible inner instincts. But it’s one of fear.
Worried
-Trophy
Dear Trophy -
I think that maybe your subconscious has woken up or been released. Fear is not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps us from doing something stupid. E.g. contacting the N.
Listen to your intuition and avoid all dealings with the N.
I remember that Fear happened in the beginning when I realized WHAT the N really was. I realized that there were no doubt times that I was in danger.
ES
I feel irresponsible for letting the N into my life. I have a 9 yr old son to care for.
The N was VERY convincin.
I would HATE to know some of the realities about his past. I didn’t know ‘too much’, about the dodgy dealings he was involved in. But what I DID know..was enough.
Elisse, I know you are right and No Contact is the only choice. Trying to will myself into remembering the truth now.
The self-doubt is destructive isnt it? I am far from being an under confident person. If I feel so weakened after only 2-3 months with this horendous being.. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what might have become of me if it were a long term arrangement.
Q. Why do N’s typically go for extroverted and intellectual people. I do understand its about improving ‘their’ image (according to them)*
…or do they truly believe we would sucumb to their unbriled charm and superiority .
I kind of have this belief that what the TRUE N seeks .. is an arse-kisser ??
Ha ! Good luck with that!
I saw this signature phrase on a different N-Victims Support website..How great is this:
“Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people… not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!” – A.V.
From Trophy_hanging_in_there..
xx
Trophy: N’s go for whatever supply they can charm into their clutches. The N had a variety of supply. He had the powerful and the not so powerful. The pretty and those that looked like a worn out shoe….or maybe they loooked like that since the N had absorbed all the humanity that he could from them.
Remember it is important to do something for yourself, daily. A good brisk walk around the block/village in the evening helps with getting some of the stress out. If you can take Fido/Fluffy with you, all the better. Borrow a neighbor’s dog if you need to.
ES
(Thinking Aloud):
I feel so violated.
Or am I wrong?
And was it Me?
It is healthy to feel violated.
You aren’t wrong; and it wasn’t about you.
Sounds to me like you are right on track-
You have begun this healing journey that we end up on after our close encounter with the narcissist.
BTW – That’s a perfect plug to invite you to visit planetjan.wordpress.com
Read her three articles on “Close Encounters With a Narcissist.”
Don’t forget that yellow highlighter.
ES
My son has been with an n for 10 years now. He divorced her 3 years ago. But her curtain calls have been relentless. She uses the kids, but I think he is her main supply. When he is down she pokes fun at him and humilates him. As soon as he starts getting his things in order she is back, very sorry and going to change, then he gets excited and starts his own lying. Then, she dumps him again. He was really on his way to recovery this time, he told every one the truth about her (even though most of us already knew). As soon as she found out – she came back. He has never gone back to living with her, just dating. Since their divorce 3 years ago, she hasn’t had sex with him until this week. She has been engaged three times and pregnant just as many or so she says. We all know she is an N; he does not. He is going to go back and live with her and she will probably try to get pregnant. He says he doesn’t trust her and he won’t destroy him. I think she has some staying power – she hates us and has no problem telling us that. Of course it is our fault because we don’t like her. I don’t think my son will survive this curtain call. He hasn’t moved out yet, he has a lease. Here’s the question is there a way to expose her at this point. She crys for attention and cheats all the time. We know she just wants to destroy him, and she has told us so. Can we help him?
Carol – We always want to help our children; we want them to learn from our advice rather than from their own mistakes. If you tell him what you’ve observed…what you know…do you think that he will listen and say “Yeah Mom/Dad you’re right!”
I don’t know if there is a sting operation that you can devise to expose her for what she is, if he hasn’t seen her for what she is by now. I get the impression that they have children together…that is a difficult even in a healthy relationship, and I can only imagine that is the reason for the continued contact.
I’m glad the N I knew was male and only a “friend”.
A female N…that’s a whole different animal….or should I say creature.
Does anyone else have advice for my reader?
When I was little and I heard my mom mention narcissistic personality disorder, I used to think of flowers. My father once give me a vase of narcissi and irises for my birthday. Then I grew older and my mom stopped answering dad’s letters, so not getting what he needed from her, my father turned on me.
I kept having this recurring dream where I am up in front of a court, trying to convince them that my dad is beating me. I am covered in bruises, blue and purple and yellow green, old and new all across my back. I take off my shirt revealing all of these marks, but no one can see them. I cry and plead with them, but they just look at me in this distant, slightly pitying way and see nothing. The only other person who can see is my dad, and he just sits there in front of everyone with this charming smile on his face, and I know that the moment I am alone with him he will add more bruises, fresh and red on top of the sickly purple, because I dared to ask for help.
On my sixteenth birthday I called my father and told him that I would not be coming home. I lived in a friend’s guest room for a week, and then moved in with my mom. My friend said I was like a mouse, keeping my head down, barely speaking unless spoken to, jumping each time the phone rang.
It’s been over three years. I’m slowly regaining contact with my father’s side of the family. They want to pay for me to go to college, which I am going to have to drop out of for financial reasons. Only now, mom says I’ve stopped laughing as much. I haven’t worn makeup in months. Worst of all, I’m not sleeping. I think I’m afraid to. I wake up with tears dried and crusted in my lashes. I think the dream is back.
Now when I think of narcissus I think of bruises.
Tysa:
I don’t know what to say, your situation is tragic. I hope you are able to find someone who can counsel you and give you some professional advice.