So – here you are.
The usher didn’t help you to your seat, you found it yourself.
You have your play bill, your cell phone is off, but you are NOT ready for this performance.
You didn’t purchase tickets to this event; you didn’t even order season passes but once again you have been subjected to another performance of Devalue and Discard by the Narcissist.
You weren’t in the audience, you were on stage. You were unknowingly cast in this black comedy. You didn’t audition; you were hand picked by the Narcissist and you just experienced what you hope is your last D&D. How many times does this make now? I know, I lost track myself. You say to yourself, “I have been abused by the Narcissist for the last time!”
An experience of Devalue and Discard at the hands of the Narcissist is like riding California Screaming (a roller coaster) but after 2 1/2 minutes the ride isn’t over… the ride operator says, “Let’s go again!” (Comparing the Narcissist to a roller coaster is not original, but oh so descriptive.)
Right now you are raw with emotions. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to be glad that the relationship is over. You may be thinking of ways to “fix” the situation, to “fix” him…you may be ready to go groveling back to him.
Please don’t do it. It will only give him more opportunities to devalue you. You will make it easy for him, requiring little or no energy on his part. I speak from experience, because I tried it.
Repeatedly.
That’s why I will say again, “Don’t do it.” The sadistic delight you will see on the Narcissist’s face will be evident while you try to make everything right…..because everything about the Narcissist is wrong.
You may not even know that your friend, boy friend, girl friend…fill in the blank…was an N. You may think that the abuse you suffered was warranted; that you did something to deserve this. But trust me, you didn’t. You didn’t deserve to have the stage curtain dropped on you.
You may not have a clue what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is…but you will. Believe me, you will…and when that light bulb goes off in your head, so many things are going to start falling into place. Soon, when you go on line and start doing research, so many things are going to make sense…as much sense as an emotional disturbed Narcissist can make.
While a part of you is dying to get the N back in your life, another part of you, perhaps your subconscious, is more grateful than you will ever possibly know that he’s gone. I called this point of time in my recovery “Missing Pretend Guy.” It’s not original. It’s a phrase and thoughts from an individual named Alexandra Nouri
You have started start to move on, making connections with others who have been through similar circumstances. Those connections will be a blessing to you. Trust me. You’ve figured out what the N is…and more importantly, what he isn’t…and you have begun the slow healing process.
You cautiously believe that he is gone from your life for good. Reaching this point of acceptance has taken a long time. Some days, you might even feel “normal.” Then, out of the blue….or more appropriately black….here he comes again…and you are hit with his one two punch of D & D.
I call this “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.” Just when you think he’s gone he appears at the side of the stage to take another bow….or give another blow to your fragile self esteem. “Hoovering” is a similar phrase, but when he’s “Hoovering” he’s trying to get back into your favor, for a time.
Don’t worry, his nice behavior won’t last long.
In case you have been fortunate enough to not have experienced an N at his full rage and power…here’s an example of how he spins his web of deception….personal experience…
The N befriends his target, his victim…usually female. Sometimes the N has an adequate amount of supply, so he may have many little minor sources of supply….sources that he may choose at some point in time to cultivate into major supply. Sometimes the N comes on slowly, maybe this is so we will be less suspicious of his true motives. Maybe he actually learned from previous “relationships” that swooping in on his quarry gets him supply for a much shorter period of time. Or, gets him nothing at all. Scaring off his victims before they are under his ‘spell’ means more work for the N. And, if there’s one thing that tires out the N, it’s having to cultivate fresh, new Narcissistic Supply. He has to be on his best behavior, keeping his mask securely fastened…”Ho-Hum” this wears him out.
I don’t know if anyone has ever figured out why the N starts cultivating his ‘minor’ supply into a major, perhaps his main source of supply. I know in my case, the N had suffered the blow of losing, granted temporarily, his main source of narcissistic supply and comfort…I was in the wrong place at the right time. Or – perhaps that should be worded…I was in the wrong place at the wrong time…..
We know that generally speaking, it is the N who does the abandoning, not the supply/victim. The N must be careful in the beginning of the ‘relationship’ to have you reeled in before begining the D&D. In the beginning the N will make you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread…with or without the peanut butter.
I would hate to see/or to have experienced what would have happened if I had been the one to abandon the Narcissist.
The N idealizes his victim…for a while. He brings out the best in his target. He mirrors our good qualities back to us…I think the reason we think he is so fabulous…is because he is mirroring us! We are seeing ourselves…Hey, what’s not to like? The qualities we are seeing displayed…are us! These character traits are sadly lacking in the N.
We thrive for a time on his adulation. What human being doesn’t want to be valued, treasured, recognized for doing a great job? It is easy to be enticed by all the praise….what’s not to like about compliments? And well, gosh darn it…we think to ourselves “you know, I really am quite a remarkable human being….”
I admit to my fragility. I wonder…..What was it about me, at that moment in time that drew the Narcissist to me? Why did he target me? What was it that made me so very vulnerable to his friendship?
How can I be sure to never do it again?
He is effusively complimentary of us at times. He may have started to compliment and degrade us in the same sentence. These underhanded verbal jabs can leave us confused…as confusing as the gaslighting.
As time goes on, the compliments are less frequent. The verbal put downs, the sarcastic comments and simply the body language, make us feel that we have done something horribly wrong to fall from grace in the eyes of The N.
I’d like to know why we I valued the opinion of the N?… Why did I care about falling from grace in the eyes of one so evil?….Why did I care so much that I tormented myself into to thinking that it was me and not him? Falling from the “grace” of the Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!
The abuse continues. As is the N’s protocol, he might throw his target a ‘bone.” He might give us a ‘moment of value’ and maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of “Pretend Guy” (thanks again Angel Fire). He is now constantly devaluing his victim….
…..as was my experience, this went on as long as it amused him. It was sadistic… he devalued me time after time. When I had been drained dry…it was time for the final Discard.
Discard…..that word reminds me of playing a card game with friends…a pleasant evening, and you have an opportunity to discard. Perhaps without even much thought, you throw those cards you no longer want into the pile…..the ones that don’t give you a ‘good hand’….without another thought.
After the Discard comes the feelings of being worthless, when it is the N who is worthless. We are weak and fragile, but we will call upon an inner strength that we didn’t know we had. The N is a weak and fragile toddler, with no ability to grow any further.
It is while you are feeling these things…weak, fragile, confused…that the ‘curtain calls’ start. At least they did for me.
Here you are trying to pull yourself together. You are trying to fix the broken pieces of your self esteem and your life; when he returns to the stage.
You think, maybe things will be okay… Maybe he will let me apologize, maybe he will tell me what it was that I did wrong. Once again-assuming all the blame…he adores that, since he is better than everyone and anything else. We are mistaken, he isn’t back for reconciliation, he’s back to twist the knife again.
The phrase Curtain Calls seems to be very appropriate for the Narcissist….with their flair for the dramatic, their mask and costuming…a wolf in sheep’s clothing…their repeated appearances in your life…I thought it was something I came up with on my own until I read a post by Dr. Sam Vankin…..
“But the narcissist is slow to abandon its victims. It is there, lurking, rendering existence unreal, twisting and distorting with no respite, an inner, remorseless voice, lacking in compassion and empathy for its victim. The narcissist is there in spirit long after it has vanished in the flesh. This is the real danger that the victims of the narcissist face: that they become like him, bitter, self-centred, lacking in empathy. This is the last bow of the narcissist, his curtain call, by proxy as it were.”
Fortunately for me and those around me, I did not become like the Narcissist. I think his “curtain calls” would have continued, except I stopped attending his performances….when he left the stage…while he waited in the wings…waiting for the applause…the standing ovation….that never came…waiting for a narcissistic encore…
I left the theatre.
The house is dark….the Broadway tour is over….
I fervently hope there will not be a revival.
Thank you for this. I just had a the big Ah Hah moment about my “best friend” after working with my therapist on something else. When I read the characteristics, etc., I was horrified and embarrassed at what he had done to me. I’ve traced it back to the very beginning of our relationship. It is over 2 weeks now. I left him, and he has hovered. A final exchange yesterday caused him to “reject” me. And like I read everywhere, it will all be rewritten in his mind that what happened was all my fault, and that he rejected ME in the end. The final fight was so ridiculous in its inanity that even someone completely clueless was slammed in the face.
Your post is a wonderful summation and very descriptive. I too have read a lot of Dr Vankin – his info was the basis of my Ah Hah.
My “Ahh HA” moment left me dumfounded, slack jawed. It still seems unbelieveable that someone can be such a good actor, and yet so worthless as a human being.
Yes, in the end they put all the blame on us, just like the 2 year old who spills milk on the kitchen floor and blames the goldfish.
ES
Hi Elissestaurt,
Well…I am in absolute awe of your piece of writing. It is one part of a very large area of key issues i have experienced and have gone through.
Mr NPD groomed me at 16 years of age when i was vulnerable and lost. My mum had died 3 years before and my homelife was with an isolated step-dad and a bulling older sister. I was looking for escapism…However, i didn’t realise that at the time.Then along came the Nspider…
I am now 34 years of age and i mistakenly had his child. (son of the devil and Damien in the making).
Mr NPD had me believe i was brilliant and a star in the making. Like you said, he mirrored everything i was, subjects i studied i.e business studies was his anchor for keeping me with him. Very charming and oh so understanding…He could relate to me and the teenage rebellion (which wasn’t much as i was brought up to respect elders , be polite and never answer back and say no as this was rude) in me suddenly found her prince charming. He was going to resue me and take me away from my real life and forge a new one for me…with me. He was my new teacher and i was his student, and best of all he loved me wholeheartedly. He would never let me down and would always protect me from the big bad world. He was tough and well established. Had connections, money and a new car. Had his fingers in all the pies and was a real entrepeneur.
Mr N was someone i could learn from and be with and at 17, we went on our first ever date.
This was the worst mistake i ever made in my life. Fast forward to year 2009. I am still connected to him through our son. Mr N certainly knew how to emotional abuse and use my son against me. He was the corporal, the devils advocate and the mini me wind up merchant that would come back to me after his visits to his dad and display his fathers traits to a tee.
This of course, over the years broke me down and down and down and down and down…………………………………………….
I eventually started to use alcohol to blur my feelings, and block out the whole incidents. With my son they would start first thing in the morning and last til the evening. When he started school ( 4 in the uk) , he would critise and put down other kids in his class. He was the best and refused help with his work from teachers who were after four weeks already starting to pull their hair out. I could not explain at the time as what did i know. Hindsight now only allows me to look back and put the final pieces of the jigsaw into the puzzle.
My life was a living hell with Mr N and when my son was a baby i told him to leave my flat. He didnt go quietly i can tell you.
He would drive round to me at midnight and bang the door to wake my baby son and then phone me to laugh.
Other incidences were him driving around my area to spot me and stalk me and harrass then wind down his window and shout names c…, wh….. and you name it. I would instantly feel so embarrased and ashamed.
He had the desired effect he wanted. People observing this form of hideous abuse would look at me like i was a freak and what the hell had YOU done to him to make him so enraged with you. I could sense they thought i had betrayed him in some way and derserved that treatment. So much so, that when he constantly and physically attacked me with my baby in the street..observers would turn their heads another way. The police were never called.
Then there was the time my son was six WEEKS old. We were just going to the town centre. I had said NOTHING and it was the morning. He was feeling oh so sorry for himself as usual and i had switched off, didnt respond and never said a word to him. Suddenly he halted his car started an argument on his own (i never responded) and threw the baby carrier onto a side road. This was to get any sort of reaction from me. He wanted to wind me up. Now this whole relationship (7years by now) was getting VERY VERY Dangerous.
This is the point i decided i would terminate the relationship – -the point of NO MORE and NO RETURN. I HAD HAD IT.
He was about to drive off with me in the front passenger seat but i managed to get out and threw myself over the baby carrier to stop any cars running over my baby.
After that, i could take no more. WHen i told him to collect his stuff from my flat he went ballistic. I had to call the police several times. He always acted as if I WAS the problem! He even told the police i had a history of post natal depression and i needed him. He even put his arm around me and said so gently in the police presence, i love you so much and i’m here to support you. He acted mild and submissive to the police. They left without charging him or assisting me and even thanked MR N for bringing it to their attention.
When they left, he was with me …Countdown, within 5 minutes he went into a RAGE. I was to blame, i had ruined his life and all his plans. He was going to be the top Actor (he was infact in the Royal Shakespear Company before i met him).
I was worthless, and had not supported him properly. Look at all he had done for me. And the rest……………………..
Now lets Fast forward again from 1998 to 2009.
He is still in my life through our son. I cannot run away for my sons sake. Believe me i have dreamed of it a thousand times. I met a loving man 3 years ago. We intend to marry soon.
Mr N has noone left in his life, all his g/friends left him. Running miles away. One last year left him for one of his mates!
Mr N has no friends and he is now 42. His looks have gone and the ugliness, souless and his inner deep self-hate paints the words on his face as if a warning to others to stay away from this self-pitying paracite.
His ‘mother’ emotionally abused him at an early age. She was a drunk.
His grandparents (now dead ) over compensated for this and overly praised him. Mr N has never had the fair discipline – consequences for your actions as most children do.
This MR N is by far the worst case of NPD i have experienced and still yet to find over the internet anyone who can even match this MR N.
He really is a one off. But, i am having the last laugh. I used to say to him…In the end everyone will leave you and you’ll have noone. No one to listen to you ..or lie to or use as your gopher.
He never wanted to get married, he got that and a series of volatile relationships where he sucked them in but left him.
His best bet now is to roam the streets for another vulnerable teenager to take to his web…..and repeat the same again.
And when he does. I’ll be there…
Along came the spider….but this time it will be squashed.
P.S
If you are shocked by the above then you haven’t experienced MR NPD….
Dont be fooled by the fact that i am living a happy life with my partner and it is all a happy ending.
My son is 12 and still sees his father…..I live every day with an emotional ball and chain around my neck. I have now become my own worst enemy…I imagine what i can do to him, i anticipate Mr N’s next move evry day like a sick game of chess. But this is no ordinary game of chess. This is a never ending game where checkmate doesn’t exist, a treadmill if you like. A sick and twisted twilight existance.
For me, the torture continues…Outwardly i appear in control, essential for blocking MR NPD’s next move.
Outwardly i appear i have moved on with my life, something MR NPD applauds me for but in secret and behind his closed doors, hates and resents this.
….But Mr NPD is in my thoughts and my head every waking second, lurking in the wings, on standby like the main actors understudy. For me the theatre continues in my mind forever…There is no let up, peace or rest.
For me, my life ended the day i met MR N.
Am i bitter?….Yes
am i resentful?…..yes.
do i hate ?…..yes.
i hate everything that seems beautiful and caring. I find myself having conversations within my own mind about the news people..interviewers sometimes out load to the point where i will talk to myself in the mirror about how low they are and what do they know about the ‘real’world
How dare they be soooooooooo jolly about trivial rubbish and try to be oh so gracious when passing over to the next news reader.
Am i critical ?…..yes.
I fear…i am now an NPD in the making and there is nothing i can do about it…….
Oh Sonnybonny, do trust that there is something you can do about it. You are aware of it and you “FEEL” emotion.
You feel anger yes… you even feel bitter… Although these emotions will harden the soul over a period of time, if you intervene now, you can cut through the stony exterior of your heart, and reveal the flesh of “love and life” that lies within. Trust me, it is there…. we all have it, even narcissists… Its just that over time and an inability to cope and an unwillingness to “let go” and change, that stony exterior became thicker and thicker. Imagine trying to chip away at a cement wall with an icepick. It may take years or even decades to get through and who would want to invest that much time in getting back to a place we have long forgotten about?… love has been forgotten for N’s. You my dear have not forgotten. You remember.
Now if you managed to build up a stone wall and you are willing to chip away at it until it comes tumbling down, you have to want to invest time and energy into doing so. Who said that you only have to rely on an icepick? Heck, bulldoze the darn thing down if you have the mental and emotional capacity to do so.
Think about a person who wants to escape from prison and is serving a life sentence 10x over. He has this unspoken desire to get back to what he “knows” before he forgets about this “knowing” altogether. The “knowing” I speak of is freedom.
So lets say that he learns there is a large man sized drainage pipe that is connected to his cell and leads out to a water source not 5 miles out from the facility. This knowledge entertains him and although the notion of escape elates him… the feeling is usually fleeting as the idea of his confinement and even the very security of it creeps in. Let’s even say this man is innocent and justified in his escape. Shall he remain bound until the powers that be grant his release if ever?
So the man realizes that even though he can risk everything he currently “knows” through his opportunity to escape, it is his final resting choice that will ultimately assist in his decision on whether he sits around for years in the current “known” that he has become accustom to for say… the last 10 years, or finally confiscate that spoon from the cafeteria, shave it to a fine point and literally chip away at the wall towards a way of escape no matter how long it takes for him to penetrate it. The chipping is the desire… the need… a constant reminder of the outside “known” that the part of him that is still alive wants so much to be reunited with.
I am going on and on here… but just wanted to emphasize that there is hope for those that still feel and still believe, even if only in small fractions. It’s the willingness to push towards a greater mark of a greater calling that validates whether or not we have succeeded in life or entertained the failure of just mere existence.
I’m a 23 year old gay guy, and my first full on relationship was pretty intense and left me quite confused with not a ton of closure. I’m not really sure how to handle communicating with my ex anymore. I’m pretty sure he has some traits of Narcissism or Borderline Personality.
Things between us started out pretty awesome. Almost a bit intense for me, but in all the same, I really enjoyed it. He was extremely sweet and sincere to me. He went out of his way to make me feel special, and he really expressed the fact that he wanted us to be together. He would text me something sweet every morning or call me to wake me up, and over all he just was super attentive.
As soon as we moved into the stage of actually being “in a relationship”, the dynamics definitely changed. His intensity changed. He didn’t text me every morning, and he wouldn’t always call me back when he said he would. He would go out on weekends with his friends and drink a ton, and he would stop replying to text messages late on those nights. I would express concerns, and he would apologize sometimes, but his actions never changed. He talked about his “ex” (who had cheated on him and apparently really left him in a bad state) on a very consistent basis… and he would almost never follow up the comments about his ex with “…, but I’m so glad to have you” or “…, but I’m much happier with you”, etc.
I travel a lot for my job and he also lived about an hour away from me, so a lot of our relationship was on the phone. We would talk and text a fair amount, but the tone wasn’t the same as it was in the beginning. It was essentially him calling to update me on his day, etc. He would occasionally send a sweet text message (primary communication for him), however, his actions didn’t necessarily follow what those texts would say. I began to feel like this friend who was in love with him, but the feelings weren’t quite the same in return. We only saw each other one or two times each week sometimes, and when we would spend time together, we never “got to know” each other. It was so much on the surface. We would watch a movie, or go get dinner, then maybe stop and see his friends, come home, he would watch tv, and then would want to go to sleep. There wasn’t much deep conversation, and his attention was almost never directly on me. He would often make big promises to do something with me or plan a trip or something, and then he wouldn’t follow through at all.
As far as being a two way relationship, it definitely was not that quite often. I would take us out for a $60 steak dinner, and when I went out with him, he would have the check split. We even went to walmart for a snack one time, and he paid for all of his things, and left a $0.59 yogurt behind (my item) for me to pay for on my own. He didn’t think twice about things like this.
There is a difference in being with somebody (in the presence of) and actually giving your attention to somebody. When I would try and explain these things, it was almost as if it was in my head. Sex even began changing. At first, he was the one who really was more forward about. He also would send sexual txts, etc. sometimes on a daily basis. After we were in the relationship, I would often try to get him interested, and he seemed to make me feel like I always wanted it (we were seeing each other sometimes once per week). This was one of the only times I actually had his full attention, so I think that’s what I really wanted more than anything.
One additional thing that I found to be very fascinating is that he became very suspicious of needing to know what I was up to and with whom I was spending my time with often. I hung out with a few gay friends of mine. I had dated them both, but I explained to him we were both just friends. Each time I would casually mention I was hanging out with them, he would get extremely uncomfortable, and he would text me very sarcastic messages, and an argument would usually start. I never ever did anything to cheat on him, and I never tried to come across as hiding anything.
After about three months, I really was drained from the whole thing. I felt so disappointed that it didn’t work, and I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. Things weren’t going in this amazing direction in which he seemed to promise. I broke up with him. After two weeks, he came to take me to dinner. He wrote me an extremely sweet card, and bought me a gift. We tried it again for another two weeks or so, then things went right back into the same way they’d been. Again, I broke up with him. I was a mess over this. I was in love with this guy, but I knew it was the right thing to do, because really didn’t seem like it was ever going to turn around and go in a good direction. Things essentially got to the point where there wasn’t much of a great relationship there at all, and I felt more alone with him than I did by myself.
I ended up reading “Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist” and “Men Who Can’t Love”, both books on relationships with Narcissistic Partners. They really shed some light on things for me in a great way.
That was in October. About a month went by, and he began texting me. He’d say things like “I’m sorry for not holding on to you and treating you right.” He seemed so genuine. I would entertain his ideas, but then he wouldn’t get serious. This went on for a while. Then he’d go through these cycles again. I finally wrote him a letter explaining the reasons why I couldn’t be in the relationship and why it wasn’t working. He actually wrote me back, and he was pretty articulate. He didn’t address every issue, but He apologized for his actions, and he said he hoped I would be in his life still in some form, whether as friend or romantically. We even met up after that, but then after that he didn’t call or text for about a week. Then he’d kinda go through cycles again of expressing how he missed me, etc., but never really following through. I told him if it was going to work, there had to be a plan as to how to get there… you can’t just ignore things and expect them to work. He didn’t have an answer. He never wanted to get together and actually talk about the problems in the relationship.
This past weekend, he randomly asked me to go see a movie with him and his friend. I hadn’t seen him in about 3 months, so I decided I’d go. We saw the movie, talked a bit casually throughout it, and then he said he had to take his friend home and get going afterwards. That was it. I figured he would want to get coffee or talk or something, but nothing. Then about 30 minutes later, as I expected, he began texting me on how he missed me, etc. I told him that I figured he would have wanted to get coffee and catch up. He said something to the effect of, “that would have been nice, but I had to do a few things”. I was just perplexed that he asked me to see the movie, and then that was it.
I don’t even know how to communicate with him anymore. This cycle seems to be the trend, and I don’t think he will ever come to me to try and actually fix the problems. He says I’m the one for him, but he won’t “do anything about it”. I can’t do it for him… I’ve gotten past most of everything, and I’m not losing sleep over the guy anymore (which feels amazing, btw), but I just don’t know why on earth he keeps doing what he does, or how I should reply to his messages.
Ryan: I would encourage you to NOT reply to his messages. He’s doing what he does to “suck” you back in to the pathology. Don’t play the game. You have figured out what he is…don’t play with the narcissistic disordered person! I talk about NC = No Contact in a few of my posts…I forget how many I have actually written. Missing Pretend Guy would be a good post to read. I talk about NC in that one. Follow the time honored rules….No Contact at all. Don’t reply to his messages, delete them. I hope you will feel the power that comes from ignoring the N.
ES
I survived a narcisstic relationship a few years back, I realised the damage it was causing albeit, a little too late however better late than never! 6 yrs later I find myself identifying yet another one, this one was/is far more damaging and in hindsight stretched back over 14yrs-my own stepmother although she was so clever at her game, we didnt find out she was our stepmother until day after my fathers funeral (they married a few days after dad was told he only had months to live, apparently her solicitor thought it was a good idea, despite dad having reservations!!) I am trying to “rescue” me and mine once again but we will get there. The hardest part to understand/cope with is the fact that these type of people don’t carry a concience, don’t give you a second thought or glance, they take everything and give nothing. Self-serving.
steffiw: Like you I have been noticing more characteristics of N’s in others. A family member I am close to seems to be displaying N and Borderline characteristics. In the beginning of recovery I saw N People Everywhere!
ES
Thank you so much for the replies. I think that the no contact thing is probably best too… but do I simply just stop replying to texts, etc.? Or do I explain that I can’t do go back and fourth anymore, etc.? It’s hard for me to ignore somebody or do something like that, because I am not like that… but this is such a different scenario…
Ryan: You sound a lot like me, I thought I should explain why I was not going to stand for the abuse anymore…
After the ‘umpteenth’ session of D & D…we finally realize that we are going to have no trouble being “mean.”
NC is a learned technique. Sometimes you may even end up “N-dipping” and I am here to tell you that you will regret it.
If you ever, like me, witness the N looking at their cell phone screen as you are calling them…and they promptly hit the ignore button…dismissing your call…..?
You’ll have NO problem with NC.
Read Missing Pretend Guy again, not to boost my ratings but for yourself…esp. the part about No Contact. IT means No Contact.
So this last week has been a bit weird. He txts me to tell me he misses us and that it’s really hard on him that we’re not together. As much of a message as I could actually convey in a text, I told him that I really think he misses the idea of “us” more than he actually misses me or “getting to know me”. I mentioned the movie day where he didn’t even show interest in catching up or spending more time together. I said a time or two that this type of conversation isn’t best for text messages (does that not pretty directly imply a phone conversation or something in person?), AND when he told me that he just was a mess and wished he knew how to make things better, I said he could start by being a real friend. He didn’t quite understand what I meant and thought he was a real friend. He then continues the next morning to send me a text that says “hope you have a great day”, and then this morning to tell me about how amazing a new CD is that he just bought.
I really see that he misses me and he wants us to be together, but I think we’re in such a different mindset, he has can’t do anything more. I mean, I really don’t understand why he won’t pick up the phone, call me, and say I miss you, AND… I want to fix things. It’s that second part. He just continually holds on to the first part.
It’s just hard for me to completely ignore him when it appears he really does mean well. On the other hand, something like this can’t go on and on and on, because it can be draining. Does anybody have any insight as to why somebody like this would continue to express that he misses me and cares about me and wishes things were better, but WON’T actually do anything about it, even when the door is left wide open? Is this common?
Thanks 🙂
Ryan: I had hoped that you would read more about NC on the web.
Is it common? For a Narcissist it sure is.
Why would somebody continue these behaviors you mention, and then not do anything about it?
Because he is a Narcissist. It’s what the personality disordered do.
They have crazy behavior, nothing they say or do makes sense (after a while.)
They continue to keep you hanging because it’s what they do, they like to make others feel as off balance as they do.
I call it “Yo-Yo” behavior. Think about how a yo-you operates. Up and down…to use another analogy…a roller coaster ride.
Just when you think you are getting close…they create distance again.
It will be like that until YOU, create the distance and stop playing his little game. His game…is only going to make you frustrated, off balance, feeling crazy….and guess what? That is precisly his plan.
Try NC for two weeks…and remember what that means….NO Nothing! No Contact with him.
Tell me that you don’t feel normal and sane after the two weeks are up.
ES
Anybody have any thoughts on the above post? Or even any literature online that might enlighten me on studies done on Narcissists/BPD/Commitmentphobes. I think I just want to learn why somebody would get this way or do these things. Thanks everyone.
Ryan: Try these sites –
narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.synthasite.com/ – 17k
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/narcissistic/index.html
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/narcissistic-personality-disorder/menu-id-62/ – 56k
This should be enough to get you started.
ES
I so agree with ES! I have a sister who has repeatedly demeaned, dismissed and discarded me over many, many years. I have NO CONTACT at all with her.
I’ve blocked her e-mail (which infuriates her!) Blocked her from my phone. She made 5 new e-mail accounts to try and reel me in! I kept sending the same response, just forwarding it. It’s just amazing how quickly they try to intimidate and bulldoze you.
DO NOT LET THEM DRAG YOU IN! The only way to do that is to have no contact what-soever…..move on and work on yourself and that will open up the space for someone more wonderful to come into your life that you deserve. 🙂
Thanks Angie. No Contact is the very best thing indeed.
Elisse Stuart
[…] to kick that person to the curb – yet again. My friend Elisse wrote about this in her post “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.” If you keep going back to More, you’ll get D&D’d yet […]
now in my rss reader )))
————————
So I’ve not replied in about 3 weeks. Things have been good. He’s send me a text or two, but I haven’t replied. This morning he sends me one that says, “just thinking about you… hope you’re doing well”.
With something like that, it’s hard for me to not reply at all… even just to say I hope he’s doing well too. Do you guys just completely ignore messages like that? I’m just not used to totally being cold and not replying one bit. If any of his actions made sense, it might be a tad easier… Haha.
Yes, it is difficult not to respond when they are mirroring human qualities. Yes, I think that I can speak for the other targets of Narcissists that I’ve have met when I say that….. Yes, we ignore messages like that. The N is doing what some of us like to call “Hoovering.” The N is trying to suck you back in. Sometimes the behavior is very mild. Other times it borders on the extreme.
This is the time to refresh your memory. NC. No Contact.
ES
It’s amazing how a smart person can feel so dumb, but I guess it’s not about being smart or not, is it?
I think trusting, generous and kind folks get blind-sided by these people. For me, I just wouldn’t believe that a person would knowingly do that to me.
I had to get over myself and realize that it wasn’t personal…this guy would do this to anyone who’d let him.
The illusion that you can make things work is only that. More like a delusion…please don’t try. Boy…will you suffer.
Congrats to all of you recovering…
YOUR NPD sister,
Lori
All –
“I just wouldn’t believe that a person would knowingly do that to me.”
Yes, exactly. I kept making the mistakes that I now realize are classic in a “relationship” between an NPD and his kind-hearted victim: thinking that if I only explained more clearly how his behavior made me feel, he’d realize what he was doing and stop. But of course, it only made him crueler, and me more humiliated. NC is for the best.
I find comfort in a beautiful Chinese proverb: “That which will bring light, must endure the burning.” Good luck to everyone.
—Burned but now Enlightened
“We thrive for a time on his adulation. What human being doesn’t want to be valued, treasured, recognized for doing a great job? It is easy to be enticed by all the praise….what’s not to like about compliments? And well, gosh darn it…we think to ourselves ”you know, I really am quite a remarkable human being….””
ha!! I think we call it LOVE or LIMERANCE and it feels amazing! Our whole body chemistry changes while we bask in complete and total acceptance! How can we know it’s not the real deal until something so terrible happens that we can hardly believe what happened? Your roller coaster analogy is perfect—up, up, up and then WHOOSH!
Narcissistic Curtain Calls—very nice post, Elisse!
And by the way, you ARE a remarkable human being.
Hugs,
CZBZ
Thank you so much for this blog, it gives you some hope of relief in your healing journey. I let the N have too many curtains calls and his last encore, was sleeping with me and discarding me for a married woman he had just met less than 5 months ago. After we had been together for 2 years. WOW! But I am free now but still working on it. To know that this person needs help and all I tried to do was love them, now it is time to turn that love within to heal myself and know that all is well and this to shall pass. We need to continue to pray for all the N’s and the victims, and those of us that have made it out. We need to help with compassion and be a support to those that reach out to be helpled. God Bless You All.
I am glad it has been of a blessing to you. es
Hits close to home! I slept with the N for a year and a half. The last time I saw N was Christmas night. He said he was leaving in the am to go on a hunting trip with his bus. partner…which I believe. He said “Let’s get together next weekend”. Which would have been New Years. I never heard from him. It was a very miserable evening watching all the couples making out on the streets at the party I was at etc.. I finally texted N the 5th of January to say Let me know if you are ok? N texted back at 2:30 am my time and said, “I’m fine I’ll be in England for a couple of days. I left it at that… cold and not even to say Happy New Year or ask how I was. I am still struggling with how someone who trained me to finish a half marathon last November in Big Sur can be so evil.
Patty: Sounds like an N.
How can they be so evil? They just can.
Make no further contact with him and accept no messages of any kind from him.
Consider yourself lucky that you got out so soon in the “relatioNship.”
ES
I’m glad I found this website. I believe I was with a N myself until I broke up last week. This guy I met online was very attentive in the beginning… text messaging me a few times a day with sweet messages… calls, we saw each other 4-5 times a week. He would even want to come see me after his hockey night games after he played and would stay over. He used the term “would you like to have a sleepmate?” I thought this guy was sweet, romantic, attentive and really likes me from the beginning. Problem was that he is separated recently from a person he lived for a very long time. He mentioned how he was going to therapy, blah blah. (he was sad of the separtation but moved on because his wife was selfish in money and would not give him sex). However, he would go and see her frequently and do laundry at her house since he didnt’ feel like spending a few bucks in the coin laundry in his apartment. (I did not like this, but I brushed it off) about 4 weeks into dating, we took a quick trip to a city. He paid for the hotel (mind you, he was bragging constantly how he makes superb income and that he owns his own business). We get to the city, he wants to go to a restaurant where I was not too keen on it. We went… he ordered sooo much food… I didn’t understand what was going on… the bill came, so I looked at it and it was expensive. I asked “let’s split this”… he sat there proudly and says “no, YOU pay this bill”. I got so mad, paid it and stormed out. He later said how he didnt think he was going to pay everything for the trip. I also didn’t assume that, but I told him how I did not appreciate how he handled it infront of people. He had NO emotion or anything. I was very very sad. Other instances… I told him that I don’t really like the idea of him doing laundry, etc at his ex’s…. he just says “I will do whatever I think is right”. I knew at that point that he is into HIMSELF and only his thoughts. He has no empathy. In the beginning, he was constantly bragging how genious and smart he is. He finished this school, that school, almost finished PHd… etc.. (comes from abusive family) how he is so smart in his business… exaggerated about some inventions (I don’t believe) after a while I stopped saying “wow, that is great”… and just listened. I thought this is odd. Other examples: He talked about how we would get me some lingerie (although I did NOT ask) but never did…. in a restaurant would NOT order beer or wine… I would have one and he would sip out of my glass… counts pennies, tells me how I can save on gas if I won’t accelerate the way I do… in simplicity, did NOT want to SPEND ANY MONEY. I know of some stingy people, but this is over the top, almost like an illness with him. In the 5th week.. I was nothing but cooking for him when he visited me. He suddenly stops with his sweet messages, all of a sudden doesn’t really want to hang out with me on weekends like he used to with excuses of “I need to clean my apartment, I need to work, etc.” I let it go, but it just became evern worse. Plus, he mentioned how he truly believes that terminally ill people should be killed in order for government, etc to save money. THAT DID IT. I broke up with him. He didn’t even ask me WHY I broke up with him, but I told him a few things like about how he cannot associate with my feelings, etc. 4 days later, he is calling me asking me to hang out with him for dinner, etc… I really will not go… its just a trap I think. But, strange how my mind wonders and still thinks maybe he is fixable… but I know he does NOT care about anyone or anything but himself. This guy would spend so much money on himself for some weird things like laser hair removal???!!! but for a woman, he does not think he needs to do anything. Or if he does, its something about him, like he brought some bath oil so that he can have sex later with me. SICK. I hope no one too will go back with Ns…. they suck everything out of you and that’s it.
Cosmo – I’m glad you found my blog too. Many of the things you shared about the N, sound a lot like my experiences with the N. I refuse to say “my N” or “your n” because they have nothing to do with us. Having had them in our lives is an unfortunate incident. Glad he’s a dust speck in the rear view mirror of life.
ES
So glad I have found this site and many, many others. I only wish I had put two and two together earlier. After my D&D, I had to continue to work with N for almost a year…one of the most painful experiences to date! I didn’t understand the whole concept of curtain calls, etc, but so thankful I had a therapist and good friends who supported me. Yep, NC is the way to go. It gives you a well-deserved chance to get rid of the brain fog and gain some perspective.
Missy: I glad you found my site too. I agree, having to work with the N was one of the most miserable things I had to push through. I am just so grateful that he is finally gone…I hope. More about his final exit another time. ES
This is a great web site- I have been in denial that I have been devalued- I don’t even have the words to express what I am feeling right now but I know from reading the above posts that I have been involved with an N for 10 years Bad thing We work together so I can’t have no contact. Every day he is telling me about his new girlfriend even though in December he told me he loved me and did not want to mess up our relationship. We bought a dog together and traveled the county I took care of his children and then he met ” a friend” who he told me I had no reason to worry- He only wanted to be a friend to her and have coffee I kept his children and even Ironed his shirts so he could go meet her as I trusted this to be true. Now he is moving in with her and tells me when he told me that “he meant it at the time” but I just heard what I wanted to- Talk about CRAZY making. He called me at 6AM to tell me he had spent the night in the hospital because his new girlfriend had to have her heart shocked ( why did he call me) and in fact 2 years earlier when he was in relationship with me- I fell while we were having dinner in a restaurant and he dropped me off at the emergency room leaving me there alone all night and the next day. Does everyone feel such a lack of self esteem when they have been left by an N? I keep imagining that he will never do this to his new love but it has only been 3 months I don’t know why but I just want to know he is not going to act any different with her. I am an intellegent professional woman, who gave up my marriage and almost lost my grown daughters and family and friends because they all saw him as “strange and using me” WHY did I not see it and why does it hurt so bad when he is so cruel to me at work?? Thanks for letting me go on and on!!! Hearing your stories have helped me realize I may not be the crazy one after all
Susan: You are definitely NOT the crazy one. I can totally relate having worked with “The N” as well. I refuse to call him mine. I hope you will read more here. Narcissistic Curtain Calls was written partially with a blog friend in mind who kept having repeat performances from “her N.” I know “No Contact” is not possible for everyone…but even not answering his calls and texts will give you some release from the fog.
ES
The D&D is bothering me a lot. Thanks for the site.
The D&D is so abusive and degrading. The damage it causes to one’s self esteem lasts for a long time.
Thanks so much for this blog- and Ryan for your posts. It helped me so much.
When I was dating my N, it was him that did all the pursuing. He constantly referenced long term, made jokes about rings and weddings. Then one day, 20 minutes after we completed a dual-family dinner, he announces he’s unhappy in the relationship, still wants to be friends and do things (all the fun of a relationship with no obligation on his part), but that I shouldn’t plan on us being together. He said our trips etc didn’t mean anything to him.
At the time I was shocked, but looking back I realized I missed all the red signs for NPD.
-He always introduced me as his lawyer gf (He only had 1 year of college). He consantly referred to his dad’s job which was a prominent position and he was interested in meeting my family members that held prestigious jobs.
– When it was my turn to pay for a date it was $50 meals at sushi bars (I dont like fish), When it was his turn, he would have forgotten his wallet, or we were running late for the movie so why don’t you get the tickets while I park, or here’s a stouffer’s frozen dinner.
_He knew I was insecure about the way I looked. He would always make comments about movie stars and how hot they were. Or Inidian girls are hot and blondes are over-rated. (I am a natural blonde) There was no intimacy – he would rather stay up to 4 am playing world of warcraft instead of coming to bed with me. He knew I was trying to watch my weight/what I ate and would constantly offer fattening foods.
_If I suggested something that I wanted to do, I either had drag him to do it or he would maek a counter-offer and I would capitulate because in my mind I was thinking does it really matter what we do? I didn’t relaize it was all one sided. The one time I said I wanted to watch tv for 1/2 (he was playing games on it and I had previously spent hours having to watch his japanese animae) he put a picture in a picture and said “oh the incredibles are on, let’s watch that”
_I ended up doing all the work around the house (without a thank you) it started as projects together but then it was up to me. Molding dishes in sink- if I didn’t take care of them the next weekend they were still there.
_He would direct the conversation to him. He told everyone what he got me for valentine’s day, expecting praise about how great he was. Another time, he randomly brought up in conversation about a b-day gift he got his dad and wasn’t it working great. While watching a movie at his parents, his parents and I started a brief conversation related to something in the movie (ratiouuee sp/ – its a cartoon) and he had to shush us and restat the move.
So after all this I ask myself why do I feel bad about this relationship? I was always having to think of ways to keep him entertained and was ignoring my friends, family and hobbies. Yet, I miss that pretend guy I had companionship and fun with. We had contact for about 2 weeks after the break up (exchanging stuff, a lot of me asking what went wrong, and yelling at him for posting himself back on pof.com with incorrect credentials – a degree and job that he doesn’t have) I have made it 2 weeks without emailing him and it’s a slow process. Like Ryan- it’s all I can do to prevent myself from emailing him to share the funny thing that happened at work, etc. Thanks for making me feel not so alone.
Karen: I am glad you found my blog. That period of time when I wanted to contact the XN to share a funny thing that happened at work, etc. that was very difficult. I understand the spot where you find yourself. It will eventually pass. Just remember that the No Contact is better than any funny story you might want to share. No Contact sends a very powerful message.
Karen! It’s great to read your story. I ended up finally blocking all of my ex’s texts and calls on my cell… and it’s been the best thing ever. It let me heal, and I never had to be an *** **** and have a huge blow out. I just CAN’T read any more texts or calls so therefore I don’t have a reason to reply. Let your heart heal is the biggest piece of advice. Make an agreement to give your heart like 2 or 3 months at LEAST before you even can talk to him… maybe even tell him that. Then you will be in a different place. It took me way too long to get over my ex, and he kept me hanging on. If I’d cut it off earlier, I’d healed much quicker and not wasted so much time…
Ryan: Good to hear from you. I am so glad you gave NC a chance and that you are recover(ing)ed. That is really great news!
ES
OK- I have made it a month with no contact – and it would have been the one year anniversary.
The last time I had contact was when I wanted to get some cabinets back. I emaield him (because iI didn’t have his phone number since I deleted it) and I cc’d his parents.
He started this thing with I will return them on my timeline – but then his mom responded, of course anytime you want them – and he realized I had cc’d his parents – he went ape mad-started threatening etc don’t call him at work, (I made one phone call about property when he used to call me at work about his owrkd of warcraft scores.)
Basically I got them when I wanted to get them, but he ranted and raved in front of his mom.
His mom just said – oh when he gets in a tough spot he tends to run away and blame others- it will change as he grows up. (um he’s 25). Maybe when things cool down you guys can get back together I miss having you around.
Everyone that heard him said you are WAY better off. I know it but the hardest thing is that I want HIM to realize he lost something special and he doesn’t think that way.
I know that he is an unhappy person and that its not going to change – he will still be looking for who he is and someone to give him “credence” and I pity him because it borders on pathetic but I have to remind myself to pity from afar.
Thanks for letting me rant!
Karen – Happy to let you rant. Great idea to cc his parents. Now he can’t say that you said something that you didn’t. Wasn’t it nice for his mom to say she misses you and for her to see his temper tantrum? Of course, she seen the tantrums since he was 2. I used to wish that the N would realize that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him…having me for a friend. Then I realized that was never going to happen.
I used to pity the N too, but I got over that really easy.
ES
Readers: I needed to edit this comment before it was viewed.
When my oldest son asked me about my blog the last view days, I told him about this comment. He was amazed. I’ve refer to this one as “Dildo’s a plenty”…
Subject: I’m the trophy girlfriend no more 😦
ANY thoughts/ advice/ info you may have would be so appreciated. He has property of mine. Will he try and contact to return it? Obviously seems best I should just consider it gone .
I dated HIM for about 2-3 months. Its only been 5 days since we split. Met him ONLINE.
The first three weeks we talked on phone for NO LESS than 5 HOURS EVERY NIGHT.
We dated for approximately 6-7 weeks.
My experience was short term. I am asking you to help me understand please ..
He is OBSESSED with sex toys & pornography.
His collection of vibrators, (60- 80) inanimate objects, porn DVD’s would have out-done a well-stocked adult shop warehouse.
He has 2 kids age 8 and 10 living with him 50% of the time, both already displaying seriously unusual tendencies.
I have serious concerns for those 2 kids who I feel I’ve turned my back on. Are they at risk? They, themselves warned my own son (age 9) to be prepared “Our dad goes through lots and lots of girlfriends”.
During that initial blissful period when he wooed me. 2 weeks into it he is building a terrific crescendo toward an evident ‘Surprise” he says he has for me. The build up was astonishing. I am piqued and my girlfriends have opinions. One says it’s a romantic weekend, one says ‘He will ask you to marry him!! “ :O (er- he’d have to get Divorced first..), I am wondering if it’s the tickets to that promised ‘trip to Paris’ that he will take me on (Yeah right).
So the night arrives and a blind-fold leads me to the “Surprise”. Twirls and mood music. Blind fold off. And it’s a sex swing. Erm.
So it is clearly evident there is no gift surprise for me but indeed he’s bought HIMSELF (yet another) gift. The persona character he portrayed was one of high-class, poise and suave polite gentlemanliness. In actual fact he is deviate, crass, and crude and would often be disrespectful. Always seeking an audience.
Little did he know I would have been so much happier with just a bunch of $12- roses?
The sex obsession is truly weird. Is this typical of an N?
As soon as I started working him out his interest in sex waned immensely. He informed me he would restrict me of sex until I improved my ways (said I was constantly shitty/ negative/ procrastinate/ indecisive toward the end. Noted that all those high-lighted criticisms are exactly those which I use to describe my own flaws. He only endorsed them plus reiterated them 100-fold.
He dumped me like a sack of potatoes once I started seeing thru him. He also severely let-down his children and my son all under age 10 in the process and he didn’t give a flying toss.
At least now I do understand this so called ‘professional, fun, classy businessman’s DEPENDANCY on Facebook and Chat etc.
Is it right, I should assume that’s where he was seeking out his next victims?
The first time I was taken to his SHOWPIECE home… he insisted he purchased for me as welcome ‘a gift’, a Pole. As in Pole dancing and he was thrilled to the eyeballs with his new purchase for ME.
Hmm, he then failed to recall his claim of it being a gift, when 1 week later he’s scrolling me thru his 100’s of Facebook photos –mainly of himself (I call them the self-validation files). There photographed and dated- is his home, with the pole seen. Dated 2 yrs prior. I held out on that one til some time later when it was appropriate. He actually appeared visually embarrassed on that one. In the lie phase he’d even insisted his children had informed the ex-wife (their mother) of the pole and about (me). And he relayed that the wife was furious. This delighted him.
OMG the wife – whatever did he DO to her?? According to him she’s an alcoholic blah blah. As in all versions of any story- he is the victim.
Please guide me. I caught him in his lies- my adoration slowed and he reciprocated to publicly humiliate and disrespect me, it was appalling. I, in essence finished it with him. I have property at his house. Haven’t heard from him since the split, 4 days back. I am deleted/ blocked/ slandered.
Is he finished with me now? Or will he be back. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to admit this.. I miss (who I thought was*) Him 😦
Trophy Girlfriend
Dear Trophy:
You certainly have had a time of it haven’t you?
I believe you have encountered the rare(r) species of Narcissist known as a “Somatic” narcissist.
The N that targeted me was “cerebral” meaning he was the “thinking” type.
It sounds like the N that found you…could have provided porn and accessories for a small country. Nothing says love and commitment like a “used pole.”
I don’t know what property of yours he still has…hope it’s not a vehicle..but I hope that you can replace it, or do without. Contact with him again is not worth it. Forget about your property. It’s a small price to pay.
It is the best thing for your son would be that neither you nor your son, sees this man again. I am sorry for the N’s two children; I know you are worried about them. Their mother needs to file a petition to have the N’s custody overturned. If you wanted to involve Social Services…you could contact the department for this in your country, anonymously…and report him when he custody of his kids. But know this…N’s play dirty…he could turn the tables on you…because he would figure out who tipped them off.
From what you have told me, N’s home is not an environment for goldfish to be raised in…let alone children.
You say that the N says the childrens’ mother is an alcoholic….often N’s make up horrible false stories about their past sources of supply. But if she is an alcoholic….can you blame her?
1. Don’t contact him, don’t try to get your things back. Don’t answer his calls etc if he ever contacts you. But from what his children say, he dumps the potatoes and moves on. Be grateful…although I am sure you feel truly mashed.
2. Focus on your own child and nurture him through this travesty.
3. Take care of yourself and keep educating yourself on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I know these are strong words, but your son and yourself are the top priority.
Elisse Stuart
Hi Elisse,
Well thank-you for responding such compelling advice. I must also thank-you for the first heart-felt laugh u gave me ;
Nothing says love and commitment like a “used pole.”
..God, how funny. But I heard you x
Anyway as I continue trying to come to terms with feeling so unworthy etc. I STILL dont get the sex-toys obsession. Is it pure deviate? Or is it some kind of validation in his/ their warped way of thinking? Or maybe the real truth is the reality that he really wasnt so hot in the cot as what he would like to believe “Tell me how good I am” lmao ..omG!
Inadequacy can lead to over-compensation?
Used pole ..lol
Thx again Elisse ..for taking the time
-Trophy No More
Dear Trophy- I am glad I was able to make you laugh. Laughter really is healing.
Coming to terms with the D&D is going to take a long time…don’t be hard on yourself when you find it takes more time than you thought to recover.
I don’t think any of us who were victims of the Narcissit can understand the disorder at the beginning of our journey…much less their deviant behavior. Seriously….that amount of porn….that clearly indicates he has a problem. It really isn’t necessary to understand exactly what the problem is….it’s most important to RUN in the other direction.
I have a link to Halcyon on the side bar of my blog. Check that out. The author is fantastic and was one of the first people I read and yellow highlighted when I found out what the N in (my) life was. I refuse to say “my”….as far as I am concerned, the N is dead, buried and turned to ash. That’s what happens when “sunlight” hits a vampire.
(personally between you and me…I thought “Dildo’s a plenty” was a scream!)
ES
Trophy-
Hang in there. Before my N left me he was always on Facebook. I think it was a way for him to find validation when I was seeing through him. The vampire analogy is right. Somewhere, someone called them energy vampires- they suck all the energy and life out of you. Put the energy back into the things that YOU love- not him or his kids. (I think narcissts have kids to get attention from themselves.
They are sick and we will NEVER understand them because we have feelings and standards. I am still learning too – but as my friends and family tell me – I was way too good for him and he knew that I was making him look bad. So don’t consider yourself unworthy- consider yourself out of his league.
Hang in there
Damsel: I agree, and I like to think of it as the N not being in our league…meaning…N’s are not among the living, feeling caring human beings. While we can spend all our energies trying to figure out why they did what they did…there’s really no point in doing so.
ES
Thanks All- for the support.
Can anyone tell me why I now fear for my safety? I am experiencing terrible inner instincts. But it’s one of fear.
Worried
-Trophy
Dear Trophy –
I think that maybe your subconscious has woken up or been released. Fear is not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps us from doing something stupid. E.g. contacting the N.
Listen to your intuition and avoid all dealings with the N.
I remember that Fear happened in the beginning when I realized WHAT the N really was. I realized that there were no doubt times that I was in danger.
ES
I feel irresponsible for letting the N into my life. I have a 9 yr old son to care for.
The N was VERY convincin.
I would HATE to know some of the realities about his past. I didn’t know ‘too much’, about the dodgy dealings he was involved in. But what I DID know..was enough.
Elisse, I know you are right and No Contact is the only choice. Trying to will myself into remembering the truth now.
The self-doubt is destructive isnt it? I am far from being an under confident person. If I feel so weakened after only 2-3 months with this horendous being.. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what might have become of me if it were a long term arrangement.
Q. Why do N’s typically go for extroverted and intellectual people. I do understand its about improving ‘their’ image (according to them)*
…or do they truly believe we would sucumb to their unbriled charm and superiority .
I kind of have this belief that what the TRUE N seeks .. is an arse-kisser ??
Ha ! Good luck with that!
I saw this signature phrase on a different N-Victims Support website..How great is this:
“Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people… not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!” – A.V.
From Trophy_hanging_in_there..
xx
Trophy: N’s go for whatever supply they can charm into their clutches. The N had a variety of supply. He had the powerful and the not so powerful. The pretty and those that looked like a worn out shoe….or maybe they loooked like that since the N had absorbed all the humanity that he could from them.
Remember it is important to do something for yourself, daily. A good brisk walk around the block/village in the evening helps with getting some of the stress out. If you can take Fido/Fluffy with you, all the better. Borrow a neighbor’s dog if you need to.
ES
(Thinking Aloud):
I feel so violated.
Or am I wrong?
And was it Me?
It is healthy to feel violated.
You aren’t wrong; and it wasn’t about you.
Sounds to me like you are right on track-
You have begun this healing journey that we end up on after our close encounter with the narcissist.
BTW – That’s a perfect plug to invite you to visit planetjan.wordpress.com
Read her three articles on “Close Encounters With a Narcissist.”
Don’t forget that yellow highlighter.
ES
My son has been with an n for 10 years now. He divorced her 3 years ago. But her curtain calls have been relentless. She uses the kids, but I think he is her main supply. When he is down she pokes fun at him and humilates him. As soon as he starts getting his things in order she is back, very sorry and going to change, then he gets excited and starts his own lying. Then, she dumps him again. He was really on his way to recovery this time, he told every one the truth about her (even though most of us already knew). As soon as she found out – she came back. He has never gone back to living with her, just dating. Since their divorce 3 years ago, she hasn’t had sex with him until this week. She has been engaged three times and pregnant just as many or so she says. We all know she is an N; he does not. He is going to go back and live with her and she will probably try to get pregnant. He says he doesn’t trust her and he won’t destroy him. I think she has some staying power – she hates us and has no problem telling us that. Of course it is our fault because we don’t like her. I don’t think my son will survive this curtain call. He hasn’t moved out yet, he has a lease. Here’s the question is there a way to expose her at this point. She crys for attention and cheats all the time. We know she just wants to destroy him, and she has told us so. Can we help him?
Carol – We always want to help our children; we want them to learn from our advice rather than from their own mistakes. If you tell him what you’ve observed…what you know…do you think that he will listen and say “Yeah Mom/Dad you’re right!”
I don’t know if there is a sting operation that you can devise to expose her for what she is, if he hasn’t seen her for what she is by now. I get the impression that they have children together…that is a difficult even in a healthy relationship, and I can only imagine that is the reason for the continued contact.
I’m glad the N I knew was male and only a “friend”.
A female N…that’s a whole different animal….or should I say creature.
Does anyone else have advice for my reader?
When I was little and I heard my mom mention narcissistic personality disorder, I used to think of flowers. My father once give me a vase of narcissi and irises for my birthday. Then I grew older and my mom stopped answering dad’s letters, so not getting what he needed from her, my father turned on me.
I kept having this recurring dream where I am up in front of a court, trying to convince them that my dad is beating me. I am covered in bruises, blue and purple and yellow green, old and new all across my back. I take off my shirt revealing all of these marks, but no one can see them. I cry and plead with them, but they just look at me in this distant, slightly pitying way and see nothing. The only other person who can see is my dad, and he just sits there in front of everyone with this charming smile on his face, and I know that the moment I am alone with him he will add more bruises, fresh and red on top of the sickly purple, because I dared to ask for help.
On my sixteenth birthday I called my father and told him that I would not be coming home. I lived in a friend’s guest room for a week, and then moved in with my mom. My friend said I was like a mouse, keeping my head down, barely speaking unless spoken to, jumping each time the phone rang.
It’s been over three years. I’m slowly regaining contact with my father’s side of the family. They want to pay for me to go to college, which I am going to have to drop out of for financial reasons. Only now, mom says I’ve stopped laughing as much. I haven’t worn makeup in months. Worst of all, I’m not sleeping. I think I’m afraid to. I wake up with tears dried and crusted in my lashes. I think the dream is back.
Now when I think of narcissus I think of bruises.
Tysa:
I don’t know what to say, your situation is tragic. I hope you are able to find someone who can counsel you and give you some professional advice.
Reading all of these comments has helped me extremely. I was not aware my boyfriend of 6 years was a narcissist. Or, I may have had an idea, as my father is also a narcissist. I guess maybe I did not want to see it in my boyfriend. Roller coaster ride is the perfect comparison to being in a relationship with an N.
I keep hoping i am just not trying to put blame on him and maybe i am not right. I found a christmas card to him from a girl. I started piecing things together with her name and hearing it over the last 6 months. So, I dug a little deeper and found her phone number and decided to call her. Come to find out he was going to buy a house with her and he has been seeing her for quite some time. She knew about me and personal things only he would have known. when i confronted him with her, he denies it and has now made me look like the bad guy. I am all too familiar with his abusiveness and have told him i thought he was an N. I even emailed him an article on it and told him to get help. his reply was, “sounds like me, will you help me?”
i was not taken back by that reply as it is his sarcastic personality that i am used to.
i have always known something was not right with him. since i would say about day 90 things started to fall apart. i started of accusing him of cheating early on. but, because i am a jealous person, i thought maybe i was over reacting. looks like i was right this entire time. as i now have concrete evidence and another person to tell me that what i was thinking was right on. this man gave me a ring on christmas not an engagement ring, as i didn’t know if i wanted to marry him, but a promise ring. he makes good money and believe me it was nothing extravegant. either way i loved it, but then i found that card and everything started falling into place. he was always accusing me of cheating. i have not been with anyone else in these 6 years even though we would sometimes go a month at a time without talking. i now believe that during those times he was pursuing other women. how could he have done this to me? i really thought this man cared about me. but, for the first five years, he never brought his children around me. said it was because of his ex. his kids were not even one and two when i met him. either way i was not around them often and come to find out this other woman was around them immediately as his daughter called me her name.
i know i am rambling, but i feel like i have so much to say and get out right now and dont have many friends any more to talk to about it. he seemed to have made me lose all my friends as well.
i keep asking him why he would do this and i have the evidence, but he still denies. i have hard evidence, but he denies it. how can he deny something that is obviously true? this girl is not going to know all the things she knew and not have been with him. we did break up for a bit last summer, the longest ever, about 4 months. i believe he was with her then. as i was healing, he actually had the nerve to come into the bar i was going to with my friends to talk or i dont know what exactly. any way we got back together from that point. the last four months have been good. but i have grown depressed and irritable and just totally introverted. i can hardly function in social situations, i cant focus on work. my son is in a lot of trouble at 15 and i can hardly deal with it.
i have decided i need to let him go. as of last night he was cruel and evil to everything i was txting to him then all of a sudden he wants me to come over. when he said that i got the strangest feeling and told him i had a headache. which i did from thinking about him all day and what he has done. i did not go, but he did respond to my headache txt and said “take care.” that means good bye from him. he text that often when he is mad. saying it was my loss and take care and i will regret it.
either way, lying or not, i need time. i dont know what to think any more and i am not strong enough to deal with all i have going on in my life right now. we do not live together, thank God.
i sit here lonely and trying not to call people from my past to have a little fun. i dont want to bring them down as he is the only thing i am thinking about. my son of course comes first, but it is hard to do when you feel compltely sucked dry by a person you loved….or still do love i think?
i have been reading articles on narcissism for three days now and i have concluded he is definitely an N. 150%. guess it makes me feel better knowing it was not me and he has not feelings, but then i think back to them times we had and think how could he possibly not have cared anything about me.
I am looking for ways to connect with my inner N and not feel anymore for this man who has taken so much away from me and my personaliy and self identification.
Wow. So here I am. After monthes and monthes of researching Narcissism, I still beleived that somehow I was the magic person that could change him. We just spent New Year’s Eve and the past few weekends having the time of our lives….then, inexplicably, over the tiniest thing–he dumps me. For the millionth time. I thought it was me. All this time, I thought I was somehow causing this nightmare. I didn’t love him enough, I shouldnt have said that, I shouldn’t have worn that shirt–he hates that shirt, I shouldn’t have used that tone, used that word, spoke to that person…..bla bla bla…..but what I am finding is that in just about every post on every Narcissism page, I could insert my name in every story, because ALL OF IT has happened to me. It so sucks, because I am in love with him. Even after 4 years of complete hell, I am in love with him. When he discards me, all I can think about are the good times we’ve had. And unfortunately, he is a very good lover. I suppose I should be thankful. Maybe he won’t come back around this time.
Well, it’s been 7 months since I was devalued and discarded. I have moved into the house, I bought that was intended to be “our” home with the N. (The financial situation and housing tax credit meant it was in my name, of course he can’t afford anything, but it was a mutually agreed upon house when I compromised on it.) I have since landed my dream job and end up commuting on a drive that takes me past his exit on the highway. One day I saw his parent’s company van pass me. They were starting the company when he dumped me.
I even managed to meet someone that is so non-narcissitic. He’s a perfect gentleman, content with who he is. On our first date our original plans fell through so we ended up bowling. When I made a comment about he must have agreed to bowling because he knew he could beat me, the new guyy simply said “That is not what it’s about”. He was genuinely supportive and happy when I finally got a spare.
The N has left an impression on me. In my first relationship since the N, I am scared that I won’t meet this guy’s expectations. The new guy hasn’t said or done anything to indicate otherwise. I am just scared that this is a false front again. I don’t see any warning flags and this guy appears genuine. Valentine’s Day was our second date and he took me to a nice restaraunt and a comedy show. Nothing too serious and over the top but something that took time and effort. Different from the N.
Sorry for rambling, I just am hoping this will be a good thing and would like advice from someone about dating after the N.
Thanks
Dear Damsel:
Not rambling at all – congratulations on the 7 months of NC! It sounds like things have turned around for you. I can’t give you advice on dating after a relationship with an N; since thankfully I was only “friends” with the N. I always use quotation marks around the word friend when talking about a friendship with an N, because I am convinced that N’s do not have friends, only supply.
My feeling would be that a wise choice when dating would be not to get too serious – too fast. You may even at some point feel comfortable enough to share with “New normal guy” that you were in a relationship with a man who treated you badly. You might not even want to mention Narcissistic personality disorder. I think it is a phrase that is thrown around far too much these days.
I think that many single readers will be glad to send advice your way.
ES
I found this blog late last night after researching Narcissism for months. Hearing these experiences are like listing to my own story and I only wish I had found this sooner. I need support and understanding of people that have been through it, and plan on visiting often, and sharing my story soon.
Welcome Sarah: Hope you find comfort while you read my blog. ES
I just read the post from Cosmo last year about the N not spending any money on the victim. My N boyfriend–a multimillionaire–goes on vacation for weeks at a time with his friends, no expenses spared, but has never, in four years, spent a single night somewhere with me. He has never given me flowers, has not given me a present my past two birthdays (or even a card), and comes over to my house every night to drink my liquor and eat my food, never inviting me over or bringing anything with him. He takes his friends and family out to hugely expensive dinners but never my daughters or me. My brother took us to dinner two years ago–like a $200 dinner–and the boyfriend just hates my brother for no reason (I think it’s because he took us to dinner, quite honestly). There are no Christmas presents, no nothing. When we take a drive somewhere, we use my car. If I need gas, he asks for my credit card then “valiantly” goes out to pump it. He has a wealthy friend with a huge house and a pool who invites my boyfriend over every Sunday. He somehow got a key to the house so that he can go over anytime he wants and hang out, even when his friend’s family is gone. My boyfriend took my daughters and me along about three times in the past three years–the other times he lies and says he has to work–and I was going to bring a bottle of vodka, as my boyfriend drinks a lot of it. My boyfriend said, “Don’t bring anything. They will expect it next time.”
I hope that you’ve read my previous response…you need to HAVE NO CONTACT with this individual – never again.
Oh, wow. That explains what is happening to me. I have had Lucifer in my life for 32 years, since I was 26 and he was 46. We were both widowed and I married him and am now in the process of attempting to divorce him after being married for 17 years. I am absolutely exhausted. I have spent seven months and $10,000 and have nothing to show for it except now I am broke.
I really think the only thing now is for me to kill him and then myself. This is exactly where I was last April when I first started seeing a therapist. Left my home in October 2009 and filed for divorce.
So then I got some more N behavior from the attorneys. Now I am really at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do now. But at least I know now why I am feeling the things I do. I am grateful to have read this blog and gotten the understanding of what happened to me. I became him.
Thanks for explaining my biggest question of all.
Legs
Dear Legs: I hope that you won’t make the choice that you are thinking of….it has to get better – You’ve taken the biggest step, to get him out of your life.
When you start feeling like that, promise all of us who read here, that you will take a walk, jog around the local high school track, it really will help.
I have just vacuumed the whole house to get rid of the stress of knowing the N was within walking distance of me yesterday. It really did help and the carpets are spotless! : )
Keep reading here and taking care of yourself. It will get better.
ES
My N after 5 1/2 years together dumped me out of the blue. I live in Michigan he lives in Florida. I quit my job, sold my home, sold all of the belongings in my home to relocat to Florida in August. We had planned this all out for the last year. The home we’re leasing in Florida is in my name the lease expires at the end of August. I”ve given a 60 day notice not to renew the lease.
When I say dumped me out of the blue it came out of no where, I honestly can say I didn’t see it coming we had been through so much together and just when I am about to relocate to Florida he tells me that he needs space.
Because his cell phone is also in my name I look up his phone records and saw this one number I called the number and sure enough she confirmed that they were dating. I wasn’t rude to her she knew nothing of our relationship and was pretty shocked I wished her good luck with him. But, I also warned her that if he could do this to me, then he would definitely do this to her. (Yes, I got the cell phone cut off )
I know I must move on from this but this whole break up has taken a toll on me. I have lost everything that meant anything to me, when I met him I was doing very well. Today, in just a few months I will be homeless..How could he do this to me? I have helped this man in so many ways you wouldn’t believe. When we talk he acts like the 5 1/2 years didn’t mean anything to him. This man I thought was my best friend we talked everyday for hours. When I called his new girlfriend he asked me “why was I trying to mess up his good thing”?. Yes, his Good Thing!!!!!!
He told me that he met the love of his life and that he is HAPPY. I am happy for him…How can he be so happy knowing that I am in so much PAIN.
When I met him he was sleeping on someone’s couch. Today, bcuz of me he’s living a lavish life in Florida. I don’t plan on living in South Florida now, but I purchased the furniture in the home for us with my 401 k. Yes, I was totally STUPID in LOVE.
Please help me out folks with good advice, I am heartbroken to the core!!!!!!
Dee: I am so sorry for what you have suffered through. Check the links on the blog for MH Sanctuary -You can also find other sites with supervised chat rooms where there are others who can help you better than I. I wish there was some way you could recoop your financial losses – Can you consult an attorney?
ES
Dee,
First, you need a hug. (((D)))
Second, you are so not alone. You need to friend up with other people who have been there, and they are NUMEROUS. Google “narcissist forum” and you’ll find several places you can read about and talk to others in the same boat. I am one but am finally getting over it so I don’t participate much in the chats now.
My relationship was 5 years and I helped my N out of being homeless, penniless. I, too, sold just about everything and moved. Got him all set up and wham, he dropped me like a hot rock. But I stayed put and struggled for a few years. I ate very little, lost a lot of weight, and spent money on nothing other than the internet. Gradually I started making new friends and getting my life back together. This will happen for you, too.
You might reconsider moving right away, if that’s possible. You’ve just been through a very traumatic experience and you need to get steady on your feet before you make any big decisions. If that’s not possible then I hope you can go somewhere you have family or old friends you can reconnect with. I would also suggest that you look for a women’s shelter in your area, give them a call and tell them what happened. They can be very helpful.
I sincerely wish you the very best.
Another Dee
Dee: Thank you for sharing your story with the other Dee. Staying with family/friends and contacting a woman’s shelter is very good advice. Dee needs to recover from this blow.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I have tried to understand what happened, what went wrong no arguments or fights nothing. I considered him to be my best friend, we have spoken since the break up only about the lease on the home. When he speaks to me he acts as if its very stressful to talk to me. He doesn’t ask how I’m doing he knows I’m struggling. Today, I know it was never about us it was always about him. I know now he never loved me, he used me and probably very happy to know what my situation is today. He is making good money, has a new girlfriend and they’re both happy. How can he just move on so easily without a thought of my feelings. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I was too good to him and I regret IT.
He can move on so easily because he doesn’t have a thought about anyone’s feelings, most of all your’s. It is a very difficult thing to come to terms with and it takes a long time to recover from. In two cases I am thinking of – mine and a good friend of mine – we were too good the the N’s. We gave too much of our time, selves, care, etc. That was a hard lesson to learn. Now I am very particular of who & what I give my time to –
Keep reading – check out the NPD forums online.
Q. What’s worse than a narcissist? A. An intelligent narcissist.
Curtain calls.. best metaphor if heard in ages! MY STORY.. I can only give from the recent experience I have had with my now ex girlfriend. (Yes I am man girls and it happens to us guys as well). I believe is a ‘covert narcissist’. Someone who would cover up the arrogance by being the opposite.
She appears shy, like a wall flower. Wouldn’t hurt a fly, very endearing, very well liked in our circle of friends. However we are talking a wolf in sheeps clothing… she has a very highly specialized status job in the city and EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT. How she works in a team i don’t know. She doesn’t really work in a team it seems like she runs everything including her boss and i’ll get to the boss later in the story.
I lived and loved her for over 2.5 years.
She was never wrong, didn’t take criticism at all well. We never argued, which is not good in a relationship. And I think this is more of avoidance than anything else.
No empathy, no remorse, working always to her agenda blaming others and failure to take responsibility for her actions.
IN THE BEGINNING… We were members of the same amateur dramatic group. I liked her, she was attractive, sassy full of life etc.. and friends we talking at in the pub after shows etc. She approached me, told me her current relationship wasn’t right and she wanted to end it.
And in all honesty she told me about her dodgy past. But now on my reflection.. how much of it was truth or being economical with the truth? Down is up up is down. And she told me she was (and still is) having therapy.. now there’s a thought.
I knew i was taking a massive risk with this person as she didn’t seem to ‘know herself’.
But in life we take risks.. if we don’t, we will not know ourselves’ and remain emotionally stunted.
So I went for it and became the new lover or source if you like. She left her partner within weeks, so there wasn’t much ‘overlap’ as i didn’t want to be the ‘other man’. I didn’t feel good about myself while we were carrying on etc.
She moved into a rented a house. I said ‘have some space, time on your own’
No. She wanted me now, I was the love of her life etc, etc. We all know where this is going. She had her house and i had mine. Although i spent all my time round at hers.
The thing is – narcissists can’t stand on their own 2 feet.
They have to have someone. She is so insecure.
They have to have a support network, we all need people in our life’s, family friends, spouse etc. but you’ll find N’s are people junkies they like to have lots of people that they can tap into. And when it ain’t going there way they dump you.
I believe she chose me because at the time I was strong. I told her that i was divorced, had managed to sell a very big house and buy 2 smaller houses one for me and one for my ex wife and my 3 children. That impressed her. And she knew i could help her move on to the next stage in her life and help rebuild her life ie. get out of the old relationship move and buy a house etc.
I am very good at fixing things DIY and a good organiser etc. I did an awful lot for her.
MY whole life changed!!!
At first the love or as I thought it was love, was ‘euphoric’ It was just something else, so wonderful something i have never experienced before. I felt loved. The sex was just amazing. After a few months it was a leap year 2008 and in Feb she asked to marry me.
I was very flattered no woman has ever asked. I always did the asking and i had only ever asked twice before (1. my ex wife and 2. one other lover years ago and she said no). Alarm bells were ringing because she had only been out of relationship for a short while and now wanted to marry me. It all sounds very nice but a bit juvenile for someone that’s 40. But i was so in love etc etc..
The first year was great. But something wasn’t right IT WAS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. It felt like i was dealing with the emotions of a child rather than an adult. Weird.
Sometimes she would be staring at me (lovingly) and end up walking into something.
Talk of ‘never leave me’ ‘always and for ever’ etc. etc. lots and lots of it. little notes left about the house which is all normal she couldn’t get enough of me. I know that people in love do all this stuff but it all so gushing that’s the only way to describe it. And I was hooked.
This was the idealization stage.
On the gift giving, there were lots of gifts, spontaneous. (Beware of Greeks bearing gifts!) I gave back in return lots of love. love letters, gifts, flowers etc etc.
My kids got to know her kids and they all got on great. We had our first holiday together along with another friend and her children, which now i think was her secondary NS. The more i write about this the more i understand the nature of the person I was dealing with.
The NS has to be on there best behaviour at first . Thing is why did she pick me??.. she must have had other suitors… But i obviously had something that she lacked…
She did have pics of friends family etc. all seemed normal.
But no long term friends like Uni friends etc. In fact she would criticise them.
Then almost overnight came the depression, self loathing. The silence. She wouldn’t open up tell me what was wrong. It was like an emotional wall.
Is this common in narcissists?
I felt like i was in the wrong perhaps it’s me that’s getting her down. What can i do to make things better? Why is she like this? Why doesn’t she talk to me about what’s bothering her.
One thing they are afraid of, is intimacy.
I mean real intimacy.
Talking about real problems. She never really talked about me, to me ie. How do feel about your brothers illness? What went wrong with your other female relationships? Lets go and see some of your friends in your home town etc. It was always about her… and her agenda. Never about me. I felt lost I felt i was changing, disoriented. I was losing my identity. I was so desperate to make this relationship work i was changing myself into something i thought she wanted me to be. She fed me, we slept together, the sex became less frequent, less passionate and i would always have to initiate it.
We never argued.. now I think she was afraid that would lead to her revealing her true self..
Am I right??
My ex wife contracted breast cancer late 2009… I joking said well we’ll may have to buy a big house and all of us live together your kids my kids etc. and i know that scared her. Intimacy and commitment. An adult would say something like ‘well Im not sure if I can do that.. or I’m not ready for this.. lets talk about this and find a solution etc. But she didn’t.
Can’t confront real issues. It’s like dealing with a child who isn’t getting the right sort of candy. What happens – a tantrum – but she can’t have a tantrum, because the real person will come out.. Writing this all down is helping me make sense of it all.
It felt she was the flat tyre and I was the pump. It was exhausting. She rarely projected. On occasions i would get the blast of something that I had done, that was my fault but in the middle of something else, she was trying to come to terms with. So it was out of context. Oh my god when she was angry you knew about it (where’s the wall flower now). So now we on to the next stage ‘devaluation’. She would dig at me about my age or doing something that was a ‘dad thing’ or undervaluing my achievements. From no provication whatsoever. No matter what i did to try and please her, it wasn’t enough. I felt I was becoming a person she wanted me to be. I was going insane. It was give, give, give and nothing coming back. So I tried to detach myself abit for my own well being.
Then came the decarding.
One night she just dumped me. No explanation, nothing. ‘We have no future’ that’s all i got. I was devastated. There was no closure.
I had no contact with her for 8 weeks, then we met in a pub by accident and she told me that she still loves me. Let’s try and patch things up. And like a mug i tried. God did i get the runaround, only to find out after few weeks at trying to ‘patch things up’ and make some sense of the past 2.5 years that she’s now found the love of her life and it’s her boss that she’s worked with for 13 years. He’s left his wife. She (my exN) loves him but he doesn’t know it.. yeh right. She is a good liar.
She has done this cycle of partners 3 times, including me as far as know. With overlap basically forming the next relationship before ending the last one. Nice. Nice person. And then string me along so in case it doesn’t work out she’ll carry on with me.
Now there’s no contact and there never will be. I’ve had a lucky escape. But at a cost. I am in my recovery mode at the moment but each day gets better.
Conclusion:
Feels entitled to do whatever they like.
Uncaring. (May show that they care but if it has no benefit to them they don’t care).
Fears abandonment.
Cannot stand on their own 2 feet.
Feels superior, above everyone else including you.
Idealization. Always looking for the perfect lover or scenario.
You – the NS – will always be 2-3 steps behind. And be thankful that you are acknowledged – even just for now. Nice, nice person.
Controlling.
Lacks empathy.
Feels little or no remorse.
Not in touch with themselves.
No sense of identity.
Can’t take criticism well.
Never wrong.
Avoids confrontation.
Seeks absolution in the abused partner.
Economical with the truth.
Lying and will distort the truth so they look good and they believe it to be the truth. You challenge the lies at your peril.
Secretive.
Works to there own secret agenda.
They only feel fear and rage
Fear of intimacy.
She had a particular fear of snakes… hmm perhaps she’s seeing something of herself.
Will only do something that benefits themselves.
What they are looking for doesn’t exist.
Therefore YOU no longer exist.
As we know they need to look inside themselves which they will never do.
Sad really. As there is no happy ending.
ON a positive note… I always look at my cup being half full, rather that half empty. I always look to gain from an experience rather that lose.
To help get over it, write down your story, post it on blogs, you will realise your not alone. Other people have similar stories etc. This is your story – and in fact treasure it. Add to it, craft it, its you now and its time you nailed this demon and put it away forever. The N has given you a gift, by stripping you away – you now have a chance to rebuild yourself into a better person. Seize that chance because believe me you can change yourself for the better. I know I have. You will feel better in time. Believe that you can be happy again. You don’t need ANYONE to validate who you are. Believe in positive karma. Believe in yourself. I know I am a good person. I am valued, loved and understood by those around me.
The narcissist isn’t any of these. They’ve denied themselves of it and it’s not through choice. I think its wrong to belittle them. It might makes us feel better in the short term but in the long term it doesn’t. They are tortured infantile souls that have, and will never grow up. Because quite simply they can’t. In my case I think her mother is a narcissist as well. Although i didn’t know her that well and i only got a bit of the devaluation at the very end. But the point is her mum is on her own and has been for years. She gets her NS through her kids and grand children i think. And to add to irony – my exN has said she will ‘probably end up like her mum – alone’. How prophetic. Or should i say pathetic.
No contact whatsoever is the best solution.
Bless you all on this site because God I know you have all suffered.
The truth will set you free. But at first, it will piss you off
Graham:
Thank you so much for your very well thought out response. I think your story and wisdom will be a benefit to others.
I can’t believe how helpful this site has been for me. I just ended a relationship with an N who was not my spouse, but a co-worker who I “fell” for, and truly believed that understood me and was everything I wanted or needed. Luckily I realize that isn’t true now, but to think what I almost did is pretty scary!
What I find hard right now though, is this terrible question:
Were all of our talks, laughs, and jokes and cute texts and emails- all bulls==t??? It all seemed so real. But it must not have been. Once he realized he wasn’t going to get something from me, (not s-x, but money) he dumped me like a hot potato!!!
I am struggling with what I thought was something, but I know whatever I thought it was, was something I am missing from my own relationship with my husband, not him really.
Believe me, there were warning signs that I ignored, things he said that I thought were odd? Body language and other subtle ways he communicated his superiority or intimidation. The way the rest of the staff clammed up when he was around.
I realized once he was gone, I was the ONLY one who liked him!!! They were all glad he was gone….so I must have been brainwashed….but I can’t understand how I was, when I was not looking for a relationship??
My plan is to keep working through all this, and be glad that things didn’t turn out worse than just me dealing with this. I still have my husband and family and my job, and those all are wonderful.
I wish that all of you who are struggling find peace and joy in your lives and realize you are GREAT, and have a lot to give someone who can appreciate it.
Dear Enlightened:
I am glad that my site has been beneficial for you. Realizing that one has been in a “relationship” with a narcissist is no easy thing to deal with. Your story sounds very much like all of ours. I swear that N’s go to the same alma mater or trade school…they have so many of the same traits, behaviors and ‘sayings.’
Like you, once the N was made redundant – I found that no one else on staff liked him – merely they tolerated him or avoided him if at all possible.
By now, I imagine that you have answered your own question – yes, all the texts, emails, conversations, etc…yes, that was all a part of ‘the game’ and meant nothing at all to the N. Sorry to be so blunt.
Your NC is easy as he was removed your presence.
Keep taking care of yourself and working through the craziness of your encounter with an N.
Everything will keep getting better.
Simply a beautiful piece of writing, which clarifies a lot for me.
Thanks Mags
Hi,
Last year I left my narcissistic husband. He was identified as “having strong narcissitic tendancies” pre-separation by our marriage counsellor. We have two small children together. My ex has been extremely nice ever since we separated (almost ten months ago). He sees the children once a week and he loves to come into my house (when he picks them up or drops them off) for chats, about whatever interests him that day. I have indulged him, always pretending that he is a normal guy with empathy. During the marriage he had a strong jeckyl and hyde personality, with frequent rages. Anyway, he has been amazingly nice for 10 months. I have researched the hell out of narcissim and I know that when co-parenting with a narcissist ex-spouse , 10 months of niceness is unchartered territory. It doesn’t happen. It got me thinking…. “maybe he’s not a narcissist after all.”
Today I had a narcissistic curtain call. He called me at work and asked to go for coffee. I went with him. He initially made small talk, and then he came out and asked me if I was sure I wanted a divorce. I said yes. Then his eyes became moist and he said softly, ” I thought I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you.” And then he didn’t get sulky. He didn’t become contemptuous. He just changed the topic completely and we spoke for an hour about politics.
Anyway I can’t help but feel sadness and loss, now. He is acting so out-of-character for a narcissist. Even in the face of this blatant rejection he didn’t seem to suffer from the dread narcissistic injury that ought to have triggered his contempt. I am feeling “at sea”: thinking “what if he is really not a narcissist, what if I was wrong, I still love him, blah blah blah”.
I just wanted to share this because my feelings are so hard to explain. I didn’t go back with him. I have no plans to go back with him. I don’t regret rejecting him, again. But, my God, if I didn’t know so much about this disorder I am 90% sure that I would have fallen victim to him again.
Thanks for this blog post about narcsistic curtain calls. I think that because I had read this post, many months ago, I was internally prepared for this day and I was able to hold my ground and not get sucked in, again.
xo
Dear Insidesopen: Bless your heart! I am so glad that I was able to be there for you by writing “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.” I don’t think you’re wrong about your soon-to-be ex-husband – if the marriage counselor pegged him then that is only further confirmation for you.
All I can say is that he is really on his best behavior right now because he is lacking your supply – some N’s do get supply from their children – some don’t.
The scene of the two of you having coffee – I can see that clearly on the screen. Wow – what an actor he must be! He is really good, the N I knew – his mask would have “slipped” after being told “No.” You would have seen shark-black eyes and felt a rage that I cannot even begin to describe.
I am so happy for you that you were able to stay strong inspite of the malnipulation. Wow.
Remember your little ones and that this – the divorce – will be a blessing to them to be raised without the N in their lives everyday. If you choose to just say “Mommy & Daddy cannot live together anymore…” I think when they are older they will be able to see for themselves why Mommy chose what was best for them.
Stay strong and try to be NC as much as is possible. It will help you to continue to “clear the N-fog.”
All the best for you and your children!
ES
If I had to really sum up my 2 yr. relationship to a friend, I would describe it as such; Like all relationships, including the “healthy” and the “unhealthy”(narc), they all begin the same way. It is called infatuation. The difference between the two, is that when the infatuation stage ends(6-18mo) people have grown together, have merged, made memories, and bonded. If and when you enter the 2nd stage…love has emerged. Normal people want and need LOVE. They can accept it and give it unconditionally. Narcissists DO NOT NEED LOVE. They want and can only survive on adulation, attention, awe, applause etc etc. This is why when the “infatuation” period ends, the time when you begin to ask and expect more, they RUN.
We refer to this as devalue/discard, but to put it simply in laymans terms, they detest this NEED we have. In their minds, we have ruined everything! Why did we have to go there? Love? sh*t!!! What happened to my adoring girlfriend/wife? the one who thought i was perfect? The one who asked and expected nothing but my mere existence? This is what is happening in the Narcs mind.
Once we expect love, empathy, trust, devotion and we convey this, we begin the devalue stage and utltimately it is all over. I never played the role of victim. It took me 2 yrs to gather the information necessary to label him a Narcissist, up until this point I couldn’t pinpoint my feelings. It was my gut that alerted me. I am a big proponent of the “gut”. If it doesn’t feel right it ain”t!!! pure and simple.
Getting in a relationship with a narcissist is not a “fault”, but staying in a relationship with one, is! Once you have made discoveries that you are being abused, it is our responsibility to leave. If you choose to stay in it, it is no longer the fault of the abuser, but the fault of you to allow yourself to be abused. No contact is the only way. By doing so, you are the one doing the discarding and it feels so so good 🙂
Yes, NC feels so good – it is empowering.
ES
yowza…I have lived with N for 28 years and went NC 3 days ago. More than merely challenging. These posts validate and are a gift.
A love note from his Dr/therapist arrived and suddenly vanished from the table and indeed I was advised that the envelope with gold star stickies and magic marker art was a figment of my imagination…”What envelope?”
I woke up from a type of terminal coma.
It’s been a long road.
Gaslight is heinous.
The N can offer little else.
Dear Sal:
Twenty-eight years? I have to say Yowza back to you.
I can’t tell you how long it will take for the N fog to lift after 28 years – I hope that you will be able to get as much distance as you can with NC – if that’s in actual miles all the better. I cannot even begin to imagine the gaslighting that you have suffered through.
Pamper yourself –
Eat well
Take a walk – with a large furry four footed friend
Rest
Read a happy book
Don’t answer emails, texts or phone calls from the N
It is time to turn the tables, it is all about YOU now – taking care of yourself.
Please let me know how things are going for you.
With prayers –
ES
I was with my N for 1.5 years…but..if I think about it, it surely must be less because during that time he had broken up with me so many times (sometimes 3 times in one day). I have read everyone’s posts and I wasn’t going to comment but I have learned so much from everyone else that I feel I should write it down here in case I can help someone else.
I met my N through work. He poured it on so strong. I was the sun and the moon. The strongest woman he’d ever met. I was the most beautiful woman blah blah blah. He would lavish gifts on me, take me out to dinner refusing to ever let me pay for anything…making sure to flash the wad of cash in his wallet. He was always bragging to his friends about me in front of me..started calling me his future wife blah blah blah. I was hooked…but I have to admit my gut was yelling at me constantly..he was just too aggressive, too nice, too complimentary..too something I just couldn’t put my finger on.
After about a month everything changed…I started to catch him in lies..little lies that didn’t even require a lie! He told me that I make him lie! He began raging, if I brought anything up that bothered or worried me he would scream at me and tell me we were through. He never wanted to hold hands. He never wanted to kiss. Phone calls turned into text messages..in fact after about a month all of our communication was over text messages! When I complained he yelled at me that I was selfish, he was busy a single father of 3 and how could I even dare put so much pressure on him…when I asked him why he called himself a single dad when he was no longer single and reminded him that his children spend half of their time with their mother he went beserk and dumped me.
All of a sudden this totally attentive, caring man turned into a heartless, cold, cruel animal out to destroy me. He started calling me names, a gold digger, accused me of using him for money etc. He insisted that I pay him back for all the meals that I ate when we went out. He would pit me against his ex, he would break up with me then come back then break up then come back. One minute I was the world the next thing I was the worst piece of crap he’d ever met. He would rage on me break up with me then the next morning would text my phone with these words “are we good”? as though nothing had happened! He is CRAZY! We would go out for a meal and he would spend the entire time talking on his phone and text messaging. When I told him that it was embarrassing and rude he raged and told me that he was an important and busy man blah blah blah.
Sex? At first he was sort of into me but we had a lot of fights because he never was interested in pleasuring me, making love to me or even touching me..he would lay there get his BJ (that’s all he wanted) state that I had taken away all his energy…then roll over and fall asleep. We had actual intercourse 5 times in the 1.5 year. OMG..writing this down makes it so much worse for me..how on earth could I let someone treat me this way? I am a professional, intelligent woman for pete’s sake! Sigh…tears are welling up I am so frusrtated with myself and ashamed.
I had surgery in December he was supposed to pick me up at the hospital after I was discharged…he TEXTED me to say that he could no longer pick me up because he was ill…I was stuck at the hospital unable to speak (jaw surgery) trying to find someone at the last minute to pick me up…finally after a few hours and no luck I texted him back to beg him to pick me up. He finally agreed. When he showed up he owned up to the fact that it was because he was HUNG OVER from partying while I was in the hospital! I had asked him to come and visit me but he said he was taking care of his kids when actually he was out partying! He drove me home and dropped me in the driveway then drove away. Here I was barely able to walk, jaw wired shut home alone and he just drove away! This was at the 7 month mark. When he got home he texted me that he was having a personal crisis and broke up with me again. He was gone for the month of December..then..he returned….
It was good for about a week then back to the same behaviour but worse. He would only see me about once a week. He would show up at my home unannounced whenever he felt like it. He would come over and wake me even though he knew I was sleeping after a long and brutal night shift and had to work again in a few hours. He was always in charge, we did everything he wanted to do always! He would wake me up in the middle of the night if he wanted to know what time it was even though his cell phone was right beside him! He would disappear, tell me he was somewhere he wasn’t and the list goes on.
I loved this man. I did everything I could to help make his world a bit better since I believed all of his tall tales about how awful his ex was and how she had fooled around on him etc. He said she made him bankrupt…he needed a vehicle so I signed a loan for him…….I have palpitations just thinking about the ramifications if he doesn’t make his payments…OMG.. I have never been more scared in my life.
Here are the things I’ve learned about my N over the last year and a half:
These people are NEVER happy.
As soon as they realize that you see right through them you are in for a lot of pain.
Everything is everyone else’s fault.
They are never sorry.
Everything they say is a lie.
They have NO compassion, no empathy even though they can pour on the charm and make you believe that they do.
These people will make you doubt yourself and your own sanity.
These people will bring you to the brink of suicide.
These people will use, abuse, humiliate and destroy you.
They will take away all of your self esteem, they will belittle you, degrade you and never take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.
They will convince you that you deserve the abuse.
They expect you to be there for them for everything but will not be there for you….EVER and if you call them on it they will rage and belittle you and tell you that you are selfish.
They throw you crumbs just to keep you hooked.
they build you up only to knock you down further than where they started.
They cannot relate to others or walk in another’s shoes.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE MOST DANGEROUS PEOPLE OUT THERE.
I am now 3 weeks NC. He has emailed and text and called at least 10 times per day. I have asked him to leave me alone..he continues. His messages are all evil vile horrible things. Telling me I’m a bad mother, a gold digger, a liar, whore and every; other thing you can possibly imagine. I have also felt fear lately. I told him that if he doesn’t stop that I will make a formal complaint to the police..this seemed to have help but then he sent an email this evening.
The advice about NOT responding and no contact is the best advice..run run run away from these people and never look back. They will try to reel you in with charm and the facade of being nice..trust me and all who have written here before me…this is not real..it is an act. My heart goes out to everyone who has children and or financial woes with people like this. Be well all of you and thanks for giving me a place to tell my story as I have no one to talk to about it…I’m afraid if it got back to him I would be in big trouble.
Michele:
Thank you so much for commmenting. It makes me glad to know that my words and the comments of other people have helped you.
First off – this will be a pain in the *** but change you email. Let all your peeps know the change and then end it. He can’t email you if the email address is closed. Delete his texts – don’t read them. You need to be rid of him.
Don’t answer his text messages. The N I knew expected me to be available to answer his calls – I did not text at the time. Ask you cell phone carrier if there is a way to block his calls and texts. If he confronts you say your phone is broken / not paid / “really you called me? I never got it! ooops”
I have heard many time about women being in the hospital and the N not visiting/not picking them up from the hospital-it is shocking that they are so brutally hateful.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Remember you will find the most peace with No Contact. It makes me laugh to think that they (N’s) think its okay for them to disappear but when we do it – they go berserk.
ES
HI Michele:
I am sorry for your pain. For me it was the humiliation and the shame that I, a strong, professional, intelligent woman allowed myself to be treated that way. After the D&D, I spent hours trying to find and answer. Like you, I have learned that those people are never happy and you will never be able to understand them.
Elisse has a wonderful blog that many people have found strength and understanding from. Stick to NC…. after awhile he fades into the memory of a bad dream. Take the lessons you have learned and move forward.
Karen is right – the N is a memory – a bad memory. In time the moments that were spent with him or her were just a bad dream – something out of a horror movie.
PS – Thank you for the compliment Karen. : )
ES
Although I love this man and Im quite sure I will into eternity I had to make the choice to not be with him. Despite all he has done, I still love him. What is up with that? This man swept me off my feet for the 2nd time after a 27 year absence from my life. He is my first love and I have always loved him and always will. You always love your first love forever.
His extreme behaviours sent red flags in my direction and so I had hard time committing to him. When I wouldn’t commit to him within the first month he proceeded to date a young woman. Someone 17 years younger than us. He told me they had great sex and he would marry her if I wouldn’t. He told me he was passionate about her was in love with her but that he loved me more and all I had to do is say the word and he would drop her like a hot potato and marry me instead. That sent me running in the other direction. It ripped my heart out since I was already in love with him due to our history. I told him his behaviours were hurting me but it made him do it even more. He even sent me a picture her. He broke up with me a million times, would leave my life for 3 and 4 months at a time and then contact me back and we would start the roller coaster all over again.
Sometimes I would contact him in between these times but would always be met with sarcastic remarks. He said many hurtful things that sent my once healthy self-esteem to the gutter. We had many arguments that were very harsh and I turned into somebody I didn’t like. I don’t know why I even engaged with him for this long. It lasted like this for 2 years. Like I said, I love this man, he is my heart but even so I wouldn’t change my life for him because of all I wrote above. My heart ached like nothing I have ever felt before, I was despondent, depressed and missed many days of work. I had grief on top of grief. I couldn’t trust him. I finally told him if he ever really loved me for who I am he would leave me be. He did for 5 months. I contacted him. I missed him but I didn’t want to start anything romantic with him. This time around he was like a changed man. He apologized and admitted everything mean that he said and did to me. We talked about all the transgressions and he always told me he loved me. But he still would talk to me about other women. It hurt a little bit but he wasn’t really rubbing my nose in it like he did before. Also, he was no longer with the woman he was supposedly going to marry. He was dating someone else.
I just cant believe it because for me, my heart has to heal before I can even be interested in anyone else. Its like he was able to just move on with his life while I was depressed and missing him. None the less, I continued talking with him and I quite enjoyed this. He wasn’t pushy and he really tried to make amends with me. He told me I am the love of his life and he would never treat me like that again and that he would love to be friends with me forever. He wanted to see me, he asked me quite frequently but was not pushy about it. Finally after 8 months of nice talking I met him again. And we ended up sleeping together. Stupid I know, because my heart started to get entrenched with him again. He then proceeded to distance himself from me no longer telling me I am the love of his life. Not responding to me, saying he will call me and then wouldn’t. Being with him again opened up all those wounds and I got mad. I got really mad because now I felt like he had used me. Got me all primed to meet him just so he could have sex with me and then act like it was nothing. Well, I told him off. I let him have it and told him he hurt me more than any man was ever capable of doing and he can never have my body again. I told him I loved him but he treated me less than human and that I didn’t trust him. There was no argument from him when I said this. He just vanished and left my life without a word.
I am having a hard time but not nearly like I was before. Why am I sitting here wondering if he is a narcissist or not? I wonder if he is just a hurt man and that I hurt him so he wanted to punish me? Would he treat me better if I gave him what he wanted? I am so confused and like I said he is my first love and these feelings don’t just go away.
Its been 3 years by now and I still love him. I am so tired of feeling this way and thinking about him constantly. There is life out there and I wasted 3 years of it. I am certain I will never hear from him again. Why would he just leave my life like that? Without a word? Wish I could find some reasoning to this madness. And sometimes I wonder if I am the narcissist. If I am, please shoot me.
Hi Elisse, I have changed the url of my blog to http://gal1617.blogspot.com/
Love,
Sad Victim.
Thanks for the info – I have changed it in my links.
Someday soon, I hope you can change your name to “Wise Woman.” 🙂
ES
I spent 10 yrs with an N, the final few months I feared for my life, his own sister verified I was not crazy.
We had been apart and n/c for about 2 months and I was doing really well, sleeping, even starting to date, we had been broken up for months but in the same town, then he moved away and that is when I went N/C, it was great! Then he called full of apologies, love, and get this – he had been given 6 months to live. Who lies about something like dying? An N does! I took him back and the last year was the worst of all 10.
I left with nothing and have been gone 1 year, 2 months NC and not doing nearly as well as last time. I did attempt suicide about 10 months ago, I just could not take the pain any longer.
He contacted me a few days ago, full of love and apologies again. I don’t believe him, he’s been living with another for 8 months and she must be getting ready to give him the boot and he’s looking for a place to land or a way to make her jealous. But it has sent me into an emotional tail spin that’s consumed me again.
Does it ever end?
Carrie: I am sorry I have not responded sooner to you. I guess now that your comments are not subject to approval, one snuck past me and I missed it. I am so sorry that you’ve been going through all of this. I have heard of them using the “I’m dying” line but not from the one I “knew.”
Carrie – It does end and YOU GET to be the one to end it! You must remember that it is very important that you block all contact from him. At the risk of sounding like a broken record (what’s that?) or CD…..that means, no phone calls, no messages, no texts, no email, no smoke signals, no post-it notes, no morse code, no deliveries, no nothing! You are not available for him to waltz in, abuse and then disappear again.
I’ve just recently added a new blog to my Honor Roll, called “Abuse Sanctuary.”
Her/Their post from November 20, 2011 entitled “How Abusers Stage Their Return” might help you.
I read it and it gave me the cold chills. It is has been almost two years since I had to deal with the N – I refuse to to get “sucked” back in by him again.
ES
At the start, my N was so fantastic – funny, charming, kind, loving, sweet and romantic…. everything I am really LOL (well, WAS before I met him!!). A mirror of me, just like you say! He put me on a pedestal and told all his friends and family how fantastic I am, what a great wife I am.. he would brag to his friends and tell them all the great things I’ve done to him.. he would praise me and all sorts.
Then not even after a month of living together, I began to see the REAL monster that he actually is. No N can keep the mask on for THAT long. At first I thought it was just moodiness, tiredness, general and normal moods… but it got worse and worse and more and more abusive, I was disrespected, degraded, abused, shouted at, accused, lied to, cheated on, called names, put down… and then out of no where he’d go to back what a great wife I was…. and I’d feel good again. Then the abuse would start again… and so it went on and on and on. The periods between him being nice and his abuse got less and less.
By the end, it was such MINOR things that set him off – me making a suggestion to do something one way, if the way we were trying to do wasn’t working. He’d go totally mental and rage at me. Tiny, tiny things would set him off. He once told me to put the washing machine on and I said I wanted to wash the shirt I was wearing, so I’d put the machine on after my shower (what, 10 minutes?) and he went CRAZY and shouted “NOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” at me! I said ‘no, I’ll do it after my shower”… so I got in the shower, and the asshole went and put the washing machine on, KNOWING I wanted to put my shirt in as I wanted to wear it again.
Anything would set him off, ANYTHING. I NEVER knew what it would be next. Could never keep up. The man I went to bed with at night was never the same person the next morning – I never knew WHAT he’d wake up like. I dreaded him getting out of bed…. HATED it. I used to feel physically sick at the thought of what mood he’d be in. He was always particularly bad in the mornings.
In the end it was like he just despised every fibre of my body. Everything I said, everything I did… like he could not even stand the sound of my voice or my presence in the room.
Sometimes he’d go insane at me, take off his wedding ring and say “any time you want a divorce, you just let me know – no problem!” – making me know he didn’t give a damn if I was in his life or not. I SHOULD have said “yes, actually, I want a divorce right now” – but I didn’t… I was stupid and I’d cry and beg him not to etc. How sad was I… how pathetic. I can’t believe I let him do that to me!
His nasty comments were SO barbed and sooo nasty, sooooo sadistic. He was always so mean and would say things with such venom! One day he wanted a massage and I suffer with carpal tunnel syndrome due to the job I was doing, and I was having a bad day with it, so I told him that my wrists and hands were really sore. He went crazy ranting and raving, saying FORGET IT! he was NEVER going to ask me for a massage EVER again! Making me feel so guilty and so upset.
Another day I can remember us eating dinner and it was something with rice, and I accidently dropped a couple of grains of rice off of my spoon and it fell on the floor. He went TOTALLY MENTAL at me for it, shouting at me that I’m not a child, I should not be dropping rice at my age and all this crazy stuff. I was in total shock. I mean, what the f*ck… REALLY?… The funniest part was, not less that five minutes later he dropped a load of rice off of HIS spoon…. but this was OK and it was allowed to pass without comment. I must admit that I did snort in laughter at it. He was not happy but chose to ignore the fact that he had just gone insane at me for something he then did himself… but he carried on like it never happened! It makes me so angry when I think about it.
If he was particularly angry and raging, he’d call his friends in front of me and tell them how fed up of me he is, and start asking them if they have jobs in their area because he wants to leave – trying to scare me into thinking he was leaving me… and it used to work. I’d end up begging him. What a bastard. I should have told him to f*ck off and GO!
Well, I have now. I left him. I did not give him the pleasure of leaving ME!
Justagirl: He sounds like the typical N.
Congratulations in being the one to leave.
Don’t let anyone guilt you into returning to him.
You don’t want to wind up as a story on the evening news…
ES
Wow I’ve had those curtain calls too 😦 I have not had contact in over a month now, still wondering if finally my N has finally left me to heal after all the crap he put me through 🙂 I am determined now not to reply to any of his attemps at contact. Finding this site is the best thing that has ever happened to me & I have to thank you for that 🙂
Dear Blue: Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you have benefitted from my posts.
Don’t waste your energies wondering when / if N will contact you again. Just stay NC and take of yourself and family.
ES
Yes the contact is torturious. I need some suggestions about how to limit the opportunity for the ex-N to degrade me. I have young children with him.
Cindy: I wish I had some for you. I will do some research and see if I can find any links.
ES
Cindy: I googled your request and got this link:
http://www.narcissismfree.com
I googled – No Contact with a Narcissist with children.
The first item was very informative.
Hope this helps.
Thankyou for this website and all the comments by everyone. They pretty much sum up my experience with a Narcissist.
I had the typical whirlwind romance. He was perfect in everyway. Very understanding, warm, intelligent, high profile, funny. I felt like the most loved and treasured woman in the world. He said things like ‘I wish I met you many years ago, my life would be so happy’. That was the idealisation stage. What a load of croc.
Then it became the D and D stages, the on and off relationship. It was always a surprise when he dumped me, he pulled the rug from under my feet. I really thought we were serious. One weekend, he announced that he is getting back with his ex girlfriend and kicked me out cold. He didn’t want to talk about it or anything. He did not care that I had a broken heart and no where to go. I was shell shocked and shattered. One minute he appeared so in love with me, and in the next minute, he didn’t care and kicked me out.
Fast forward 6 months. I relocated interstate and he visited. I forgave him. I started asking questions about his ex and he stormed out. I found out that I was pregnant, and txt him. He didn’t care. I went through with the abortion and dealt with the emotional scars and everything. Boy I was hurting during this stage. During and after this time, not once did he contact me to ask how I was. He did not take responsibility for his actions at all. Typical.
Then I flipped. I wrote a very strong email about his shortcomings as a human being, callous, inconsiderate, disrespectful rude behaviour, nasty etc. This takes a lot for me to be like this as I am normally very forgiving and believe in behaving in integrity. But I felt good saying those things. He is a politician and votes mean everything. I threatened to tell everyone the truth about him during election time. I have not heard from him since and I am putting back my life together again.
Unveiling his mask to the world would be the most threatening thing to him. My complete and utter disdain of him also freed me from any further contact from him. In short, I was no longer a source of supply to him. I am free to a point. I still get angry at times, but they are getting less. I still remember the fixated stare he had, it sends chills up my spine.
I also realised how much I have compromised myself. This is not going to happen again. Sometimes I feel that compliant co dependent personalities are the only ones who would put up with a Narc for a while anyway.
The good thing is that I have more self worth and am happier. Still struggling at times, but happy to get off the roller coaster and walking on egg shells. Instead of being a supporting actor in his show, I am now the star of my own show.
It feels so good to have a space to express all this. Thank you again for your website.
Dear Recovering: You are very welcome, I am pleased to be of assistance and as I have said before, the N would have an aneurysm if he knew that so many, many people were helped inspite of his evil.
I dare say that when you “flipped” – your power and promise of exposing him for what his is – sent him running with his tail between his legs. Good for you!
Many blessing to you in your continued recovery.
ES
“I’d like to know why we I valued the opinion of the N?… Why did I care about falling from grace in the eyes of one so evil?….Why did I care so much that I tormented myself into to thinking that it was me and not him? Falling from the “grace” of the Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!”
Reading the above sent tears to my eyes. The word evil seems so harsh, but the truth is that it fits perfectly. It has taken me almost three years after I left my N, who I spent 10 long, painful years with, to finally start detaching from the way he made me think about myself. I was told either directly, or communicated in more insidious ways, that I was simply not good enough. Not a good enough partner, mother, cook, host, home-maker, never looked good enough, slim enough, I wasn’t smart enough, ambitious enough, the list goes on and on.
The saddest part is that I killed myself for years trying to be good enough for someone who isn’t worth it. I almost lost myself and became increasingly depressed and dependant on his approval. My self-esteem non-existent. Incredibly, with the help of a skilled therapist I began to put the pieces together and eventually found the courage to leave him!
At first, there was relief soon followed by the anguish of knowing this man wasn’t going to go away quietly. The emotional torture wasn’t over, in fact, it was about to reach a new level. How dare I leave HIM? How dare I plan for a future on my own? How dare I smile? How dare I be happy, healthy, independent and capable? This was too much for my ex to cope with, so he did everything in his power to bring me down, regardless of how his actions affected the children, as I was still economically dependent on him. Money was his power over me as he used it to his full advantage.
This was an extremely difficult time for me, but somehow I found the strength to fight and claim my life back. Now I have my own place, a good job, and continue to work towards setting boundaries and distancing myself from him in every way possible, even though we have children together and must remain in contact for their sake. I’m finally in a good place and the happiest I have been for years. I’m actually liking myself again!
From time to time though, he still manages to get to me. He uses our children as a way to guilt me, as it’s the only “power” he has over me these days and sometimes I do fall for his guilt-trips, until I remember to open my eyes and see his actions for exactly what they are. This article was a timing reminder and a much needed eye-opener. Thank you.
Dear Survivor: I am happy that my words and thoughts helped you.
N’s destroy their victims/targets/sources in so many ways. I well remember the overt and overt slams from the N I “knew.” Do you know of a support group for divorced women who have to share their children with “wackos”?
Directors of these groups might have good helps, resources, handouts for the group members. Something like “when the N says this”… – you can still be empowered and say this….
All the best to you
ES
My story is the same as all these.
I met the N nearly 7 years ago, he was helping a elderly person with daily jobs around her home, I thought “omg this lad is lovely,” we were texting but couldn’t seem to talk face to face. I told him that due to this we couldn’t have a relationship as communication is a big thing!
He told me he would really try and would I plz give him another chance? So, I met him and he did try and thought were going great, then one day I went to pick him up and he had been drinking and the way he was acting was OTT, I told him I didn’t like it when he was like this, so he got out my car and stormed off, he texted me saying sorry and that everyone he was walking past he was telling them he loved me, he was crying I felt so sorry for him that I had acted this way so I asked him where he was and I went to pick him up.
I thought that he was a quiet lad and that with me being older I intimidated him a bit and this is y he couldn’t talk to me, but I felt we did have a connection. He was living with his parents and he wasn’t happy there and he was fighting through the courts for access to his daughter, I told him I would help him as much as I could, I had my own place and I have 2 boys of my own and if needed he could live with me if this gave him a better chance with access to his daughter, things were great I thought yes I have met the person I’m going to grow old with, I loved the bones of him, the words I love you meant nothing to actually how I felt for him, then came the 1st of many blows, a friend told me that my N was emailing a woman that she works with, I was so annoyed I texted him asking who the hell was this woman and what did he think he was playing at etc…. he said what the hell was I on, so I got my friend to get this woman to email me the emails that she had off him which she did, I had evidence he had no way out, she was older than me and honestly nothing on me either, but he was saying she looked beautiful and stuff and I’m thinking “hey u never say that to me” 😦 , anyway next thing I know he is crying and saying that he knew he had f**ked up how could he show me how much he loved me, he said if u would marry me would that prove to u how much I loved you, ha! yes u have it right I forgave him (mug)
We started planning our wedding but then I found out about another woman he was emailing, he said that she was off the last time and that he promises it’s all stopped and that he had changed the date for our wedding and that we were getting married in 6 weeks, (overnights with his daughter in a family environment) I didn’t see this then tho!
We got married & I started having a lot of female problems and I was in and out of hospital, yes he would show up but to be honest y was he there he didn’t want to be, I ended up having to have a full hysterectomy and when in hospital he didn’t text me in the morning asking how I was, I texted him and all he said was he was busy, I thought what? for a 2 second text asking how I was grr, I came home and the first night home he caused a fall out and left me all night, I was crying and begging him to come home I was in so much pain with crying I burst stitches and he still never came home, apparently stopped in the car all night yeah yeah. I asked him where the loving person was that I had met and he told me this is me if you dont like it then I’m not the person for u and we’ll go our separate ways, (the thought of being without him was unbearable) so I accepted this and thought I know the loving person is in there, he will show it again, then I had to check his phone bill for something can’t remember now but I noticed alot of calls and texts to one number, so I rang it and a girl of 17 answered it, I asked her who she was and I got told all about them, I filed for divorce that was it.
I had had enough, this girl didn’t talk to him any more, but then he was on the phone telling me how sorry he was and that the deaths he has had in his life has hurt him and that he hasn’t grieved for them, yes, sucked me back in again, then again few months later we had a bit of a argument, nothing serious, he told me he was going to the shop he wouldnt be long but didn’t come back, he texted me saying we weren’t right and that we wouldn’t work, I was devastated to say the least, I wanted to end my life there and then I couldn’t function, but I had my boys, I couldn’t eat and I went and started seeing a counselor. But 2 days after he left I was told he was seeing another woman, omg this was so hard to take in I could believe it, he would text me when he felt like it, when I was just getting stronger there he was again to hit me back down, then I found out she was preganant another big blow I couldn’t deal with all this but I knew I had to for my boys, then he was on the phone again crying saying he was gonna do something stupid, yeah I went running to make sure he was ok, I hugged him kissed him and told him I was here for him, then we were talking about sorting our marriage out, the new girl lost the baby, he didn’t want it anyway he told me that, he ran as fast as he could from her, then whilst we were talking having sex I found out he was seeing another girl which I knew but not too well, but he would text me asking to hook up and y the hell did I go I was accepting anything rather than have nothing, (I’m shaking my head at myself).
But this other lass didn’t last long, then he was back we sat the kids down and asked them if they would like us to be a family again, the kids all loved the idea so that’s what we did.
Then, 7 months on after being great, I found out he had been emailing nude pics and texts to a close friend of mine, he has gone and has been horrible. He has told her that he wants her and will do anything to show her he wants to be with her, my head is up my arse, it’s in my face 24/7, their slagging me off over facebook and it is like I was nothing to either of them, does this sound like a N to u’s?
There is more but I think I have wrote too much already.
How do I move on? I have read and read all about n’s and he does fit it alot.
Oh and he emailed all my family to tell them I am a liar and deceitful, he told me he is gonna make me lonely.
What have I done? All I did was love him sooo much. plzzzzzzz help me.
Karen: Are you still seeing the therapist/counselor?
What does he or she say?
I’ll tell what I have to say from across the pond….and there are those that read this that will say I am too harsh – so be it.
I wouldn’t have gone back to him after the first “indescretion.” I lost track of how many “other women” you have mentioned – that you know about. Have you been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? Dear God!
Between how important your children should be to you and the fact that you burst your incision after surgery – I think those things would have been enough to know that this creep is toxic and you are the lucky one that he is out of your life.
You asked your children if they wanted you and the N to be a family again? That is why you are the parent! Children don’t get a say, the parent is there to protect them and I dare say that having that N be an influence on your sons is NOT something that you want!
You ask “how do I move on?”
Very simply. You are going NO CONTACT.
* Break all connections with Facebook where you say the N and your “ex close friend” are “slagging you off” (sorry, have no idea what that means, but I am sure it’s bad.)
*Change your cell phone number, home number and email addresses. Yes, it is a pain in the butt, but oh so very necessary. This way you will not have to deal with anymore texts or calls from him.
*Apologize to your family that they have had to endure having the N related to them by marriage.
*Apologize to your sons that they have been subjected to a man who is not healthy and that you as their mommy is going to do everything in her power to make sure that her boys grow up to be respectable and honorable Men.
*Keep seeing your therapist.
*Move on. Don’t text or ring, email the N. Don’t look for him on Facebook or any dating sites or chat rooms. Don’t let your remaining friends keep you up to date with N information. Avoid places that you know he goes, his work, his friends.
I love this blog post. Amazingly true of ‘my’ n. I met my husband to be at 17, he was older. He was so complimentary in the beginning. He told me he loved me within a month or so. We married and had 2 kids. I left him after 12 years of hell. He insulted me, he spent the family’s money (he earned while I just sat at home with a toddler and watched daytime tv LOL). By the time I left our finances were a mess and my home felt like a prison – if I wanted to go out he had a million reasons why I had to stay home and be with him.
After leaving he made my life hell. I had to endure his suicide attempt, his bad mouthing me to our kids and anyone else we had in common. He even reported my moble phone stolen, he bought it for me so it was an easy trick to pull.
He still gives me no money towards the kids and I’m paying our joint debts while he hides away.
I’m free though. I have my own place, a job & my self respect… The list is endless. While Mr. N has a gf with money. Mr. N. is a kept woman! Good for him I say – the day he met her he stopped stalking me!
I have recently met Mr N #2 in the shape of an old male friend. I identified him quicker than my ex hubby and got rid of him.
Life is sweet. No more ns please!
Dear Jenna: Thank you for your compliment. Glad to hear you were able to recognize N #2. Since being NC and having the N removed from my environment, I have run into different sorts of N’s. One a female that I treat with kid gloves. She is tolerable when dealt with properly….kinda like crab grass…. 😉
ES
It’s funny isn’t it? Once you know their games you can detach and refuse involvement. My dear ex hubby is dealt with in a business like way. We speak about the kids , but that’s all. He looks like a little boy to me now. I feel sorry for him because he’ll never be a real man.
N #2 is just ignored. He still texts me to say he misses me, but all I see is ‘blah blah blah’ on the screen of my phone. I hit delete and get on with my now sunny days 🙂
Isn’t that delete button just the best invention ever?!
It is very sunny here too. 🙂
ES
thanks for your comment yes i have been checked and all clean thank god, i could have been writing this with a deadly disease off him, yes i have changed my mobile number and everything else, i have also told friends not to mention him anymore and they have all agreed to help me through this, i dont trust many people and they don’t seem to understand what im going through so thats y im plzed this site is here, im doing all i can to stay out the way of him but its going to be hard as where he is and i am is only about 5 min walk but i try to go out when i think he will be away, i feel like a prisoner in my own home, i did nothing wrong apart from love him, but as u say my focus is on my sons and me to make the best out of the hell we have been living in, there was 8 people he was in contact with but apparently there wasn’t sex, (still got tested). now that i have wrote this all down i cant believe i went through it, my councilor believes he is a N we did a test and if u scored over 20 u were likely to b a narcissist i answered the questions how he would and he got 37 plzed im out of it 7 days today no contact and getting stronger everyday thanks again
Seven days…that is great. I am glad to hear that you are doing all you can to maintain NC.
ES
Firstly – Karen and others I hope you are all OK, would be great if you could come back and tell us how you are doing.
Secondly – my N’s curtain calls were pretty sick given the circumstances (he had abandoned me and without my knowledge moved in with another woman whilst not even legally separated! I found out by piecing all the miserable bits together – and he still denies it!)
First curtain call: Blamed me for everything. I had never supported him (I did everything I could to listen and advise, but he was justifying to himnself and projecting). Basically told me he was better off without me. Looked smug and happy with himself whilst I was deeply hurt. Asked in a simpering voice if I had everything I needed.
Second: Was nice at first because he wanted me to move back the money I had transfered to protect myself (half our savings). Told me he shouldn’t have got married. All about him, I, me, etc. He didn’t know what he wanted, he had been faithful (lie), he was stressed from work, snapped at me a few times, shock his head and left – blah
Third: Told me about his new apartment, what he had been watching, and cooking (all with her I now know and he rarely if ever cooked for me) whilst looking decidedly smug, cocky and a little bit crazed. I thought it was just an odd under current, but was clearly way more. Drank several beers plus whiskies then told me he wasn’t seeing anyone. Mentioned her, I said I do not like her, and he said she was good at what she does. Looking back he was taking great pleasure in fooling me about his sick double life
Fourth: More drinking in bars telling me about work and him, blah blah whilst not telling me at all he was in line for a promotion. Told me he wasn’t having an affair when I asked, Told me he didn’t know if he loved me, wasn’t yet ready to reconcile Had a go at me for not supporting his decision to leave me and give him his space, basically. Arranged to meet up and go to the cinema the following weekend (but I found some incriminating e-mails a few days later) Of course I was paranoid and crazy to suspect anything was going on, despite all the evidence. He even managed to convince me I had over reacted at one point!
Now, he refuses to talk to me about anything he has done, said ‘he doesn’t have to tell me anything’, says he needs protecting from me, and not to send emotional e-mails. He has not once apologised or recognised my pain and simply couldn’t care! Says nothing he has done will affect our divorce and we should both have a fresh start and move on. Easy for him to say when he has.
Now I am NC and glad, every time I think of him my blood boils, his lies, his cheating, his devaluing and discarding, his complete lack of concern about me or even his dog (by the way he only wanted male pets), all so hard to deal with.
I must be experiencing this for a reason, but it’s shattering. He has literally blown my world apart and has waltzed off leaving me picking up the pieces and devastated. I should post some of his insane e-mails, they are hilarious looking back, knowing what I know now, how he says I can’t be trusted, etc. Goodness I hate him, trying to be indifferent but it is so, so hard after everything he has done to me…….
Anger is actually a good place to be in recovery. Our anger prevents us from doing something stupid like taking the N back again.
ES
Can you please tell me if I was in a relationship with a narcassist or what not? He didn’t pretend he was charming etc – if anything he showed his true colours quite early on and as if proud of being selfish, self centered and adoring of himself. What condition is this if they love themselves clearly, use the let down comments and abuse towards you and always need to be right?
Dear Anon: If he wasn’t a narcissist – then whatever he was be glad that you aren’t with him.
He sounds like a pain in the a** and you are well rid of him – like a nasty rash that requires medicated cream.
ES
Thanks for your reply ES. I’ll give you a brief run down as to how our relationship was. It wasnt always bad but here are some key points. He majority of the time thought of himself when it came to decision making such as that we would have our wedding at his parents house to allowing a maximum of 15 people at the wedding – meaning parents could only invite two of their friends. Then it also lead to less major decisions of when for example we ordered different meals when we were out I would always give him a portion of mine but he would devour all of his only at the end on the off chance he would realise he didnt share (this is a minorpoint but with all else it makes me wonder). When I would approach him about things he would rarely make eye contact – Not sure what this means? He has always been into his weights anfworking out as well as having a sauna at least twice a week. At girst I truly admired his dedication to keeping fit at least three times a week of weightd for 2 to 3 hour sessiond each which I never interfered with or tried to change his routine – yet now I wonder should I have demanded more time for us and is this a sign of being a narcassist? Once he made assumptions up in his head (i.e: that my family was brainwashing/convincing me to have the wedding at a certain place and its not what “I” truly want) no one could convince otherwise. He did at times consider me for example when buying me a toothbrush whdn he wanted me to move in. We went overseas together where he went absolutely insane shopping …for himself. He gave me a pair of sunglasses which he was able to purchase for free due to the amount he spent at the mall which he later announced he should have given them to his sister. His view of things and making decisions were also manipulated by his parents – though not obviously I could tell at times that he would often be eaily swayed – their word/view came before mine (being his fiance and all – minor importance) He would become highly defensive of some things such as when I made a sarcastic/joking comment of buying him an aftershave by saying “Hmmm dont know if you deserve it.” (When I had already purchased it for him and it was waiting up stairs in our hotel room) he became extreemly offended replying “Thats not very nice!” He continued to hold a gruge even when we reached our hotel room and I presented him with the already wrapped and packaged aftershave by giving a bitter ” Thanks” , continuing to be upset with me that entire evening. Once we moved in together I would cook him dinner every night (which I also enjoyed doing as I love to cook plus I wanted to show him that I cared for him). He doesnt cook for himself and has never lived with anyone other than his immidiate family
I admit I am not the “neatest” at cooking but I always make sure to leave the kitchen spotless once finished. He would often come into the kitchen and “winge” of how much of a mess I was making when he would see two crumbs had fallen off the chopping board. He bought it up in front of his parents and myself commenting “Why cant she be more like you mum – you never make a mess when you cook”. Im sorry to have dragged on so much but can you please tell me if this is narcassist behaviour or should I have confronted things differently with him. It wasnt always bad but a lot of the time he had ti have the last say on things. He would often accuse me of “sulking” if I got slightly upset about something that was said by him but didnt realise that he would do this. Now we have ended things but he “seems” not to care. Is this a common result of narcassists dealing with things or do they really feel no remorse? Please help me understand what went on here. Any feedback and help would be truly appreciated.
Anon: He sounds like a very immature N. He may have been somatic – sexual, always worried about his appearance. But he definitely sound very immature, like a 10 – 12 year old boy.
Please don’t worry about what the N thinks or how he is feeling. N’s really don’t feel any remorse, unless maybe they get caught and get “their butt nailed to a tree.”
They only person you should be worrying about is YOU!
ES
Hi Anon,
I leave the professional diagnosing to Elisse or someone with more professional knowledge. It doesn’t matter if he is a N or not – he makes you unhappy and it appears he has the exceeded the occassional thoughtless remark action that an average person may make on occassion. He also shows no remorse. I was once with someone that I diagnosed as a N. I spent hours trying to analyze what went wrong and trying to figure out what made him tick. What a waste of time! Trying to unravel what makes people tick can be more frustrating than nailing jello to a wall. After I was D&D by the N, a good friend told me to stop renting him space in my mind. She was right. I know it’s hard, but try to move on.
I am assuming that you went through with the 15-person wedding? Are you still together?
Chuckle…chuckle…thanks Karen for the compliment.
I love your comment – “appears he has the exceeded the occassional thoughtless remark action that an average person may make on occassion.” Good advice to Anon.
ES
Thanks for your feedback and helpful advice Karen. Yes you’re right I need him to stop renting space in my mind -how? I’m getting there. Which is one thing I dont understand – why am I feeling like this whereas he appears not to let it bother him?! I at times wonder if he uses it as a front to appear as if he is fine when really he is destroying himself inside. No we didn’t go ahead with the wedding and we are no longer together.
Anon: Stop wondering if he is destroying himself on the inside!!!
He’s not human on the inside. He’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers! He looks like he’s human on the outside but on the inside he is like black slime.
ES
Hi Anon,
How about this with eyes open…
You are a feeling person. The N is not a feeling person in the humanistic sense. Hurting the feelings of N-guy (a remorseless, delusional mess-up) is of minimal concern…it is not possible. We were or perhaps are still just supply for their arrogance, aggression and malice.
Acceptance of this is wisdom but it takes time and self-patience + self-worth. Truth has likely been mutilated for you but can return.
An aside: I too had the working-out man. Beyond fitness, I now suggest that years of lifting heavy stuff in front of a mirror + steamy room is arousal for these broken + auto-erotic types. Knowingly or not, they be mostly man-guy latents with a strong bend towards mama. Resistant to maturation, aging is rough once inevitable bloom is off the rose. Men who rely on being cute or publicly adored @ midlife are an even worse mess than the younger version.
You can’t fix this mess and are o-so fortunate to have avoided life with a non-husband, non-lover, non-friend mess.
Congratulations and Best to You.
Very wise advice Sal Butoni – thank you for sharing.
ES
Thanks for your support and advice Karen, Elisse and Sal Butoni. I guess part of me was really hoping he was “the one” as I’m in my 30s and was wanting to settle down. Part of me wishes he would come and speak to me as I feel like I need to get things off my chest. I know I can’t and won’t go to him as I’d be a complete fool. Though really I’m not sure what I’d get from it other than a slight peace of mind. I don’t wish to correct (which I know I won’t anyway) his behaviour. Things were done and said by his family which was the final straw for me -especially as he didn’t try to defend or support me but rather thought his family was “helping him out” when really they only made things worse. He believes that my family convinced me of ending things when really it was what was done by him and his part. I always truly appreciated and had the utmost respect for his family up until I saw another side to them through the insults they used in order to defend him and accuse me. Is this a common thing from a narcassits family, that they try to turn the tables around on the victim?
Anon: You would not get Peace of Mind from the N. You might get a “Piece of his Mind” as he would chew you out and spit you out when he was finished with you, again. He might also call the police and convince them that you are a stalker and that you are threatening him. He would only further humiliate you, in public.
As for “Is this a common thing from a narcissist’s family” I cannot say for certain if this is common behavior – but your utmost respect for his family should be leveled to the ground when you realize that they contributed to raising a Narcissist.
The best thing you can do right now is be grateful that you got “out” of the “relationship” when you did and move on. Make him a dust spot in your rearview mirror.
ES
OMG! Just found this site…so helpful. I’ve been in NC with my N for 6 months and am just now feeling better about myself…he had me believing I wasn’t good enough, etc.
He got another girl pregnant and married her…and doesn’t understand why I’m upset about it. Brought his wedding cake samples (wanted me to try it) and girl to office for me to meet…so evil and hurtful. He is sick, sick and I truly feel sorry for his first wife who he…
a. Made her have an abortion…because he wasn’t ready(has baby now with 2nd wife – 10 years younger than him).
b. Cheated on her with a friend of hers, strung her along for awhile (1st wife) then decided to divorce…all HIS decisions!
I was actually jealous of new girl for awhile, but now pity her…she is headed for a world of hurt when he decides he is done with her…and of course…it will be her fault somehow….I’m sure of it….
Yes, Kathy I am sure of it as well.
They (N’s) are truly evil people. Sometimes it takes far too long to our human way of thinking for Karma to find them – And Sometimes Karma surprises us and the N with swift vengeance. Live by the sword die by the sword.
ES
I know…it bothers me that he totally gets what ever he wants with no reprecussions…and at the expense of others. Thankfully, I didn’t sleep with him…which is when he started the DD…and pursued new girl heavily and threw that relationship in my face as much as possible. I was separated from my husband at the time he was hitting on me and I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him until my divorce was final….hurt his ego maybe (?)…he told me he wouldn’t/couldn’t wait and that I was “a waste of his time” ….ouch!
I also caught another break…my boss (female) could tell I was in distress working with him (cried all the time which is not like me…I’m usually a very up-beat person). She had him transfered to another building…that made NC so much easier (obviously).
Still waiting for Karma to catch up with him….he has caused so much pain and
isn’t finished I fear…
But at least now I have given up on the fantasy and stand firmly in reality with “eyes wide open”.
Kathy: There is a day coming when he will feel the reprecussions – you may not even know when it happens or you may be a witness, but Karma will find him.
ES
Thanks Elisse…you and this forum have helped me so much. I was feeling very “alone” with these feelings and emotions… take care everyone!
Thanks Kathy. You are definitely NOT alone.
I am glad that my blog has been a benefit to you. Sometimes when my siblings read my posts they say “Sis, you’re too mean, you don’t pull any punches when you answer questions about N’s.” I say, “well, the N doesn’t pull any punches either – at least I try to help the people who write to me.”
You know what…that’s what I needed though…a reality check….I was confused as to why I still had feelings for this DB even after he started the D & D…your straighforwardness (and reading what other people have gone through) has helped me more than my therapy! And you are not mean….the N’s in our lives are mean and we just need to finally realize this!
Again..thank you so much! I have been getting my old self back little by little and this blog has been the most help to me!
Thanks Kathy – it’s been a drama filled day (being a parent) thank you for your uplifting words.
Proud to be of help to you!
Elisse
In regards to what Kathy said – Why is it that we feel guilty, sad, negleted and partly miss them after they have treated us in such a horrid manner?
Beacause we are human and they are NOT!
Do they themselves feel at least an inch of what we’re going through after the breakup or are they too wrapped up in themselves that they choose to block it out?
I don’t think that they ever feel anything – they have different masks for different emotions – but they’ve never experienced those emotions – they mimic what reactions they have seen humans model for them.
ES
From what I understand they do not have the ability or capacity to care about anyone very much. That is not really easy to understand but once you begin to get that the road to recovery starts. The problem I find is that the N has new and unpredictable ways to hurt you and I prepare myself so that the next attack doesn’t matter bother me as much.
After the D&D I don’t ever once remember saying “I didn’t see that coming….”
There was one time after about 9 months of NO Contact, where the N showed up where I was. I was totally floored. Then, I figured out that N had used one of his Supply to manipulative the circumstances.
I have since learned to NOT give any of his N cronies ANY information or the time of day.
They are not worth my energy or time.
ES
There is the possibility that I could run into him later in the year at a work related meeting or class that all employees have to attend (I dread it). But I have already decided that I won’t give him the time of day if/when this happens.
As far as a sneak attack…not sure that would happen, but I have seen him in his car on the road leading to where I live at weird times…not sure why he’d be there at that time…and when he passed me he sped up and gunned his car.. it was like he was mad or something….weird…could be a coincidence, but I always feel almost violated or something when I see him on the road.
Kathy: You should feel violated when you see him on the road, especially the one leading to your house. Document the instances. Yeah, he was mad, that you had caught him where he shouldn’t have been. I am not saying for sure, but if this kind of behavior continues you might need to get a restraining order to keep him away from you.
Can totally relate to having to be in the same room with the N for a meeting. I have a post about it, but I forget the title. Something like “one less chair in the conference room.”
ES
Thanks Elisse, I will take your advice. I was thinking I should have (wish I had) documented several things that went on at work. The weird thing about the last time I saw him on my road (about a week ago), was that it was the day after his new wife gave birth to their child. (I know this through others at work who keep in touch with him.) When I looked in my rearview mirror and saw him coming up behind me I was like…where did he come from and why the H is he on this road?? Why isn’t he with his wife and child? All good questions and very creepy to think about…he’s got issues for sure.
This is deja vu for me. Looking in my rear view mirror and seeing his car happened to me too, several times. It was extremely creepy and was stalking. Resulted in me changing my “territory” of where I shopped, dined, etc.
Keep a little notebook with a pen in your car so that you can document the exact times and dates these things happen. Be sure that you tell none of his “friends” that these things are happening or that you are doing this. If they are keeping in contact with him, they are probably reporting to him what you are doing.
I know you probably think this is paranoid, but having others report to him your activities is what the N did to me. He would question someone who could never be characterized his supply and he would get nothing out of her. He finally stopped bothering her too. But he had other people who pump for information/who retported to him. Puppets, that’s all they were.
The one other thing that I would tell you might not be very popular –
The next time one of his cronies starts to tell you something about him, tell them to stop, that you are not interested in knowing what the “wackadoodle” is doing. Okay, I know you will be much more diplomatic than me. (lol) IT is better to not have any information about the N. A friend of mine used to try and tell me what he’d heard through the grapevine about the N and I finally had to sit my friend down and explain that I was not interested – with the exception of the N’s demise or being fired.
We broke our agreement the day the N got fired. There was much rejoicing in my office that day.
ES
This particular person at work that is the “gossip monger” where I work, loves to tell me about what he’s up to (I think they are FB friends). I told her that I was not frieNds with him anymore and that I do not want to hear about what he’s up to, but when the baby came, I guess she just couldn’t help herself.
This is so bad, but I’m going to share…she (and other gossip mongers at work) spread the rumor that his wife had a miscarriage around 8 months into the pregnancy. One person in the office saw them and decided that she didn’t look pregnant and decided that she had miscarried… Well about a week later she confessed that baby was ok and was born ok…It’s so messed up at work…too small of a community where everyone knows your business and make -up stuff to create drama…
I know what you mean about him maybe getting fired at work…this is NOT the first time that he has messed around with married people at work….I think he is definitely on their radar…he has been transfered 4 x’s…can you say “red flag”. I was thinking…they really should warn the women when they transfer this
DB…but of course it’s the “good ole boy system”… sickening…
It is difficult in some of these situations to just tell the “N – reporter” to their face that you don’t want to hear the latest on the wackadoodle. I recall one instance where I just walked away from the gossiper. It made my point for me.
ES
Hey Elisse,
I wanted to thank you for your response and for sharing your experience with everyone. I’m glad you were able to “rid” yourself from your N at the workplace…it is so much easier when you don’t have to see him everyday…
I’m really hoping that things will settle down now at my office and everyone can just focus on work….fingers crossed!
Kathy, you’re very welcome. Glad I’ve been able to help you.
ES
Hi Elisse,
I’m in a bit of a dilemma. From what’s happened previously – things have become slightly worse/or maybe some would call it better?
My brother who was very good friends with my ex fiance’s sister. They have now had a falling out. She was saying things about my brother’s girlfriend, calling her names, telling her family how he may have cheated on his previous ex with this gf as he had bought a diamond before things changed (which is not true but assumed) I had this thrown in my face from my ex fiance – wondered how and where he would get such an assumption and then realised that his sister could only have told him this. I approached and informed my brother of this. Though he has known that she doesn’t like his current gf and she didn’t really get along with his previous ex gf he was quite upset to hear this as he considered her a good friend who would not spread or say such thingd. He told me he would speak to her about this – and he did – which has resulted in him ending the friendship and not wanting to have anything to do with her.
Now I don’t know whether to feel relieved as it breaks all ties from my ex fiance or sad. Partly I feel guilty that they have ended their friendship all togerher as a result of what I said. In telling my brother I wanted him to be aware and not be treated like a fool but dd not expect this! I’m not sure if she and the rest of her family think it is me that informed him as I often heard her speak about my brother’s gf and her family were quite dissaproving of her as well – what would you think? Unless she has told others etc.
At the moment part of me feels compelled to go and speak to my ex fiance. Maybe I’m using it partly as a pretext as there are a few things that I wanted to get off my chest and haven’t been able to find closure but partly I feel afraid. How would you look at this and deal with it?
I’ve had to read through this story a few times, but do you know what it sounds like to me?
It sounds like very possibly this whole situation was contrived so that it would cause you to break NO CONTACT with the N, to try and clear up any misunderstanding about your brother. You brother has already told you that he would take care of it and indeed it sounds as though he has. Frankly, I think it is a very joyous thing that NO ONE in your family has ANY more contact with the N or his family. Remember, they raised a Narcissist.
I would be relieved that now ALL ties to the N are broken.
I would be relived that my brother has no contact with the wackadoodle’s sister.
You need to tell the part of you that feels compelled to break NO CONTACT and speak to the N to STOP IT!
You are definitely trying using it as pretext to go and talk to him. Your brother has handled his own battle.
Do not give another “flying rat’s pahtootie” about it.
Have you forgotten that you will never get clousre from the N? You will never find closure from the N. The closure will come from within yourself.
I understand that you have things you want to tell him – but (news flash – hard to hear….)
He Does NOT CARE!
Let’s Review:
No Contact.
You will never ever ever ever get closure from the Narcissist.
How would I deal with this?
No Contact.
Take a walk, read a book, take meals to a elderly neighbor, volunteer at an animal shelter.
There’s lots more things you can do, but none of them involve breaking NO CONTACT.
Elisse Stuart
Thanks for your reply Elisse. Yes I am relieved that I have no ties with him or the family. I guess partly I feel guilt that possibly they are getting some kind of satisfaction from thinking that I convinced my brother to end the friendship. I know that making contact with him would be a huge risk. From your and others experience do Ns ever realise/admit to themselves what happened in a failed relationship could have been how they handled things?
First, one can only talk to someone about doing something. You did not make your brother break his ties with the N’s sister. Sounds like he determined to do that on his own. Don’t give another rat’s ass about the N’s family or if they are getting satisfaction about anything. Be thankful that your brother is not exposed to the N’s maddness either directly or indirectly.
FAQ: Do Ns ever realise/admit to themselves what happened in a failed relationship could have been how they handled things?
NO. Never. No HOW, NO WAY, NO.
AND, if they ever did, it would be when “Pigs Fly.” And the last time that happened was in New Testament days. Or possibly when a tornado went over a pig farm somehwere in Kansas. My apologies to the pigs.
ES
Also what do you mean by the situation being contrived to break no contact?
Narcissists are notorious for creating drama in order to get supply/attention.
No doubt the N’s sister is a member of of his “Supply groupies” although likely
she is not even aware of that. N Supply often do the bidding of the Narcissist, stirring up trouble,
causing strife, unknowingly they report on the doings of the “Discarded Supply” back to the Narcissist.
It is just all part of the N’s sick little game.
Elisse
How long does the healing process usually take? And will they ever come to you to get some reason etc?
Dear Anon: Have you ever had a grandparent die? A really good friend, a beloved pet?
How long did it take you to “get over” their loss?
There is no way of telling how long it will take to recover.
There is no way of knowing for sure that the N will come to you for some reason.
If he does – Walk away and don’t look back.
Unless you really want to drag the insanity on endlessly.
ES
Elisse: Thank you so much for this article. It states so clearly what transpires after the D&D and the curtain calls. I am embarrassed to say how many times that I had participated In this twisted dance. The last was over two months ago and prior to that was 5 months.
I have come to terms with the fact that I was the rebound after his secretary/married girlfriend wouldn’t leave her husband to marry him. Wow did I come at the perfect time…God I wish I could redo that time in my life.
We eventually got married and long and short, he restarted the affair with her after her husband was convicted of embezzlement(money that I know she also participated in spending to keep up with their lavish lifestyle) and she divorced him. During our entire relationship I was a mere ping pong ball between her and him. The lies betrayal and manipulation almost destroyed me.
I have been in therapy for awhile helping me to overcome my depression and to get back on track with the person I was before I met him. It’s been a long haul and some days are good and others difficult still 2.5 years after divorce.
I left and kept going back getting discarded and going back believing all of his lies, things would go well for a few months then he would discard again for some minor or inconsequential reason. He was also an alcoholic with a lot of turmoil thrown in regarding those issues. This was my second marriage and I stayed trying to make this work, to be a good person, to they harder to make things better. What could I do so he wouldn’t get angry or upset or jealous . It didn’t matter, as there was nothing I could do right and I think he enjoyed the harder that I tried.. Treating me as a minion instead of an equal . He often said how superior he was to people and even said he was superior to me by virtue of his education .. He would say this like it shouldn’t hurt your feelings but I am smarter then you. Forget that I am also college educated with my own career.
I had to listen to his ravings about himself, his law degree his own law practice his house on the lake, how much money he was making, how wonderful he was and how I needed to treat him as number 1! He kept telling me That maybe I didn’t know what it meant to be married, that I shouldn’t be married, that we maybe shouldn’t be married . He screwed with my mind so much trying to make me feel so rotten about myself. And for the longest time I did.
The screaming matches, drunken rages, swearing and insults and jealous rages took their toll on me. He’ll it almost killed me emotionally mentally and spiritually. They also will never be there for you when you really need them. My father died and after the funeral he got drunk and was jealous because a man I had known for 35 years showed up and sat with some mutual friends. He didn’t care that my dad died that I was an emotional wreck HISFEELINGS WERE HURT AND HE WAS ANXIOUS! I was left on the kitchen floor crying after getting spun around trying to take his keys away so he wouldn’t drive drunk. This happened after our divorce when we were trying to work things out again. Another drunk brawl because he got mad at a man we had just met at a dinner party and attacked him because “you two were flirting”. We had just met this man and his wife. And my ex was too drunk to join in the conversation and God forbid, he wasn’t the center of attention. I was screamed at for that incident too because I was disrepectful. .
I could scream knowing that his insecure jealousy was total projection. He was having an affair with the secretary and is continuing their relationship to this day. He has just purchased her and her two children a new home and yes this hurts. All of his lies hurt. There is Karma though, he got arrested for 2 DUI’s this summer, lost his drivers license, had new car immobilized, is on probation, did a stint in rehab. But he has his secretary to drive him around for everything. He also has 3 ex-wives, 2 children with alcohol and substance abuse issues, legal problems of their own and a younger daughter with anxiety issues. He blames the mothers for how “disappoint g” the children are though. Nothing is his problem.
I’m so sorry for this long post..It’s just been a hard weekend and thoughts started swirling in my mind again.. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
Dear Lynn: Tomorrow will be a better day – it will be one more day that you are No Contact.
Your ex sounds like a real weasel and you are well rid of him. Three ex-wives are major KARMA indeed. 😀
ES
Dear Elissestaurt,
This has got to be one of the best articles on NPD I have read. You were describing parts of my experience to the T. I have been on a rollercoaster ride, and have just been discarded for the first time. I am heartbroken day and night. Last time I heard from him was on Halloween. Since I’m new to this circus, I assumed he will never call me again. However after reading your page, I’m now thinking he might call again if his supply get low elsewhere. I have NO IDEA why he dropped me like a hot potato. That is what has messed up my mind so bad. My therapist said I am trying to make sense out of nonsense. You see, I am a logical person who is also naiive and thinks people are kind like me. Here I am in my 40s and should know better. I feel so dumb for being a unsuspecting doormat. The nicer I was, it seems the more he pulled away. I can only guess there might be another gal. At this point after reading this, I am glad it didn’t last. Just think of the poor ladies who end up marrying a fraud like this. I think I got away pretty easy, but yet oh so damaged. This has stripped me of my wits. I no longer trust my instict because obviously by radar is broken for good healthy men. I am however sending out some sort of becon to all the crazies to come towards me like a moth to a flame. I was reading Melanie Tonis Evans site on how we should not only enducate ourselves on NPD, but do the intense self work to stop attracting such characters. I will need to abstain from men as a recovering drunk stays away from the bottle. I must do this until I figure out what I am doing wrong. One of of the best books I have read is “How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved”. It lists all the nut jobs that I have been with. An eye opening book. I have also realized I am a Copependent, and look forward to starting in a group after the holidays. I look forward to reading more of your works. Again, thank you for this!
Dear Sucker: I agree with your therapist. Also I would advise you to read my post “Thank you Dr. Carver.”
There is a link to an article as to how to know if you are dating a Loser.
Stay No Contact.
ES
Dear ES,
I messed up . . I found out he is back in town (after him telling me otherwise), so out of anxiety and anger, I called him. He did NOT pick up the phone, so I am feeling extremely awful. I figured I could at least use the excuse of the Thanksgiving holiday as a reason. This has made me feel so bad, that I want to now drive the 3 hour drive to go confront him. My therapist is gone for the holiday, but my wise mom says do not do it. I feel I want closure. Is that so bad to ask for?
Sucker: Listen to your mother – in this case she does know best.
What is one of the first things we learn about the N? They are liars!
How did you find out he was back in town? Who is feeding you information? Wait, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. What you are doing is called N-dipping. You must stop trying to find out what he is doing. Those kind of behaviors only delay your recovery.
We do not care that he is back in town – we don’t care if he has a good Thanksgiving or if his turkey comes out dry! Or if the gravy is lumpy or the pie crust too soggy. Remember – we do not care about the N anymore.
Of course you are feeling extremely awlful – you broke NO Contact. That terrible icky feeling…that’s what you feel when you break No Contact. Of course he did not pick up the phone…you calling him means that that the N WON. You cracked.
It also opens you up to the possibility that he will say you are “constantly calling him” or that you are stalking him. We do not want that.
Is your mother reading this with you?
Sucker’s mom: Take her car keys! DO NOT let her drive 3 hours on a holiday week(end) to confront a wackjob who won’t give her the time of day let alone “Closure.”
BTW – How does a 3 hour drive constitute the phrase “Back in town???”
“Is so bad to ask for closure?”
No, its not when you are talking about the end of a normal relationship with another normal human being. But we are talking about a mentally disordered individual who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
Have you read my posts on Closure?
I guess you haven’t or you would know that it is impossible to get closure from an N. Sorry to be the one to tell you.
What should you do now?
Do you have company coming tomorrow for dinner?
Help your mother
Polish the silver
Vacummn
Dust
Peel potatoes
Chop the celery…….But in no uncertain terms will you be driving three hours to confront the wackjob.
Elisse Stuart
Thank you so much for this. I really needed the laugh (“we don’t care if his turkey is dry” hahaha).
I’ve commented here before about my relationship that ended on Sunday and it took everything inside of me not to text or obsess over the fact that he didn’t text, on Thursday.
SNM, please listen to your mom and ES. You and I are a lot alike. I too am impulsive and I need closure all of the time. But you are NOT going to get closure with this guy. In fact, you may just get more heartache. When I got rid of my ex, only to be sucked back in and dumped by him that same day, I was a wreck! I pleaded and begged. After an hour of humiliating myself I gave up. A few hours later he texted, asked if I wanted to talk. He called me just to make sure that I knew allll of the reasons why he couldn’t be with me. Was that necessary or nice (I got the hint the first time)? Of course not But it is what an N does.
They can’t just drop you. They have to twist everything around and make sure that you feel like dirt, while claiming they feel so bad for doing it.
SNM, you don’t want to go to this man’s town because you don’t know what you may find when you get there. A lot of women who are locked up today are there because they made a snap decision. What if you go to his house and see another woman? What if he calls the cops and they have you hauled away? What if you get so angry that you attack him or vice versa?
It is not worth it. He is not worth it.
I am also hurting so I know how you feel, but you have to be rational. Your mother is right. Don’t lose your freedom, dignity and mind over this man.
Hi Yikes – yes a little Thanksgiving day humor – I left out the part about burning the rolls… haha
The teacher in me really can’t let a comment go by without fixing grammar and spelling….although some from the past have been so involved, I’ve just let them be.
Thank you for commenting to SNM – they seem to be quite “under the pile” at the moment.
Every bit of sane advice helps.
Elisse
oops – I had to correct my own spelling too!
“His house.” Not hos.
Oh OCD.
He always lived 3 hours away, but left on a journey where he goes out of state study. But instead of studying, he went on a hike. He told me where he was going, and called me the night before his long drive. He use to call me on the actual drive, but did not this time. He just said he will call me later. We never had any blow out, or final anything. He said he thinks about me all the time but just doesnt feel the same sense of separation that I do right now, but he thinks only positive thoughts about me, and hopes to see me again. WTH does all that mean? That was before he left. He traveled further this time across many states since Halloween and never called me once! I don’t think he’ll say I am stocking him because a door was never closed. He told me wea’d see each other again. Right now the only reason I want to see him is to give him a piece of my mind. Here is someone that told me the last time he saw me that he loved me. Now I think he just used me. He is very good looking, and can get many girls if he wants. Mom seems to think he has other gals in other states, or where he goes to study, as gave me an excuse as to why he can’t ever pos our picture on Facebook. I confronted him then and said that I thought it was very crafy. He didn’t react. Meanwhile, he would take pictures of us, and say “cute couple” in a text. I am still trying to make sense of this. Do just normal people want closure? He doesn’t know I am angry, but how can an N not know what they are doing? Do they know what they do??? I was told by another blog on Ns that he has been doing it so long, they may not know what they do. What is your experience on this? Why would they want someone they said I Love You to, to hurt?
Your therapist may not agree with me – but just as serial killers LOVE to kill.
N’s love to destory self-worth, stability, sanity, everything that is emotionally healthy in their victims lives because the N is so unhealthy. (And for All that is Holy, DO NOt feel pity for them!)
Compare the N to psychopath and it is easier to keep your distance.
They may not have killed you and left your body in a shallow grave – but they’ve killed the rest of your sense of self. Everything thing about them is evil.
ES
Thank you ES! I am new to your blog, so I have not had a chance to read everything yet. I will read about closure. He has made me feel like I am the one who is off center. I felt so bad today, I just arrived home from work early. I feel the need to sleep. I just want my last say to him, and almost want to tell him off. I want these feelings to go away. Now to make matters worse, I feel like a fool for calling him. Does me wanting the last word make me an N? Ladies, take the words of ES and do not contact the N. I am learning the hard way.
Sleep is a good thing.
It is a time when the subconscious mind works things out.
I’m not saying that when you wake up anything will make more sense.
Find an activity for the weekend to keep you busy.
Clean out a closet, cupboard – the garage.
Get dirty, work hard and fall into bed exhausted.
ES
“FAQ: Do Ns ever realise/admit to themselves what happened in a failed relationship could have been how they handled things?
NO. Never. No HOW, NO WAY, NO.”
Oh how right you are. When I sent my exN an email filled with bulletpoints and explained in detail why I thought we should end it, he just said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be. You can blame me for everything if it will make you feel better…blahblah guilt-trip blahblah.”
Of course I called him immediately. He didn’t pick up. So I sent a text (that now makes me ill) and told him that I didn’t blame him for everything. This turned into an hour long text session (looking back I should have never had this conversation through meaningless texts) of me begging and compromising and trying to get him to see both sides. But the widdle baby was tired and didn’t want to play with me anymore so he dropped me. And then called me hours later just to make sure I knew that I was dropped. Jerkbutt.
Anyway, the point is, they will never say, “Hmm ya know, maybe I can work on some things and you can work on some things and we can get this relationship back on track.” Oh no. They will either blame you for everything or become dramatic, throw their hands in the air and say, “Fine! Blame me! It’s all my fault!” and huff and puff as they walk away. My N grandmother does this. My exN did this. It is what they do.
Idiots.
You know, you need to hang on to your anger.
Maybe it will help you stay No Contact.
Maybe if you tell yourself that you are playing games with a psychopath and that truly you are lucky to be alive –
that will wake you up to stay away….you can’t cuddle a rattle snake.
ES
I, too, like Suckernomore and Yikes have breached the No Contact rule – but please I need your honest opinion and open mindedness on this –
So here goes: This past week was my Ns birthday. Weeks leading unto it I thought to myself, no way would I contact him! When the day came and I had the feeling that I should be the “better” person (as he didn’t get in touch with me for my bday) and “do the right thing.” Plus a friend told me is always better to do what’s right then what’s wrong, telling me a particular phrase that they had heard before that says – ‘Courtesy can never be seen as wrong.’ I know I don’t owe him anything though I felt compelled to do it. I did not work up the guts to do it until the day after his b day. I rang him later the following day and began with:
“Hi – I know you’re surprised that I’m calling (to which he replied, “yep a bit.”) I continued to tell him that he shouldn’t be, as he knows me as I always feel like doing what’s right. Plus something was telling me to wish him well as his b day And a reminder came up on my phone the day before. But I had been busy so I forgot about it and then that night, it was too late. I continued on with saying that just wanted to wish him the best and take care.”
He replied “Thanks.”
I then added, I guess to back myself up, the saying that my friend had told me about courtesy.
Then ended with bye and all the best.
I now feel partly like a fool, while at the same time I feel like I have done the “right thing” and was the “bigger” person. I know that he shared detail by detail to his family (because that’s just what he does as in his eyes not saying anything at all is not being “open” with his family.) My friend reassured me that who ever he told if they are educated would see it as doing the “right” thing to have called him.
Though part of me feels partly like a fool. I just hope he doesn’t take it as if I was asking/crawling back to him. Please give me your honest opinion on your analysis of this. Thanks.
Dear Anon:
I always cringe when someone asks me for my honest opinion. Because you have given me permission to give you a no holds barred evalution – an invitation to be brutally honest.
The part of you that feels like a fool…..that part? You should listen to that part.
* You did not need to tell him Happy Birthday. Your relationship is OVER! You don’t care that it was his
birthday.
* The “Better” person would have gone for a walk with the dog, taken a meal to an elderly neighbor or sweept the neighbor’s sidewalk. They would not have called the Narcissist.
* Courtesy only applies to normal human beings…not narcissists.
* You felt compelled to call him because you were/are obsessing over him/his birthday.
* His birthday reminder should have been deleted from your phone along with his phone numbers, email contacts.
* Crawling back to him…That is exactly how the N viewed your call. His supply is making contact with him – He is so wonderful that the Supply cannot stay away from him. His supply cannot bear to be away from him.
Doesn’t it tick you off to know that he is gloating that you contacted him? He WON! You let him WIN! You contacted him and you are back to Square One – again. I can’t imagine what he must have told his family. I am surprised that he even answered your call. After the Discard, they like to keep a record of when you contact them so that they can later turn around and use it against you. To have your voice on a message or an actual text is so much more power for them. They use these types of things against their supply. Do you want to see it get really nasty? You need to develop a good healthy fear of him and STAY the **** away. (You can fill in the four letter bad word of your choosing.)
Let’s review, shall we?
1. NO CONTACT
2. NO discussing the N with anyone else – he no longer exists.
3. NO N-Dipping….This means = NO Finding out what he’s doing, who he’s seeing, how he’s feeling…ad
nauseum….NO viewing his Facebook, My Space or any other social networking site. NO NO NO
and finally
4. NO CONTACT!
Elisse Stuart
BRAVO!
I am lying in my bed…exhausted after six weeks of reading virtually every word on the Sociopath/Psychopath/Narcissist that I could lay my hands on. I feel as empty as my Sociopath. I have to get my supply. The silence screams at me. I miss the sound of his whining and belittling. I miss the rules when we lay in bed. I miss tiptoeing through the house so as not to wake the Demander. I miss looking for his plls, opening windows, driving better, improving my coffee making, curbing my insecurities. I miss spying on his cellphone only to always find something “off”. I miss cyber-stalking escorts he frequented and denied ever visiting. I miss wrong messages to other women landing on my cell. I miss the red alert of our long distance “relationship”. I miss the insults, the mocking and the devaluation of me as a person. I miss my beautiful boobs before I had them tattood because the nipples were too light and not as beautiful as his ex-girlfriend’s. I miss all the things I found so bright and beautiful…now so distorted. I miss that I knew so little about the dirty world of sex, his way…that I knew so little about psychopaths. My emptiness is filled with a much emptier space…by loss of innocence…loss of self. My names are imprinted in my soul..lazy, stupid, idiot, deaf, needy, suspicious, paranoid, spoilt, bitch. Here, in the chambers of my deserted heart,f esters the shadow of his enigma…I was so whole before he came…I mourn times, relentless departures. And the deep-rooted electrocution of his deceit…
Wow – There are NO words to express how very sorry I am that you have been subjected to this torture and abuse. I can only say that I hope you are able to break clean from him and never look back. I hope you will be able to find someone to counsel you as you begin your long recovery process.
May God surround you with His Peace.
ES
I understand what you’re saying ES and i completely agree. Partly i do feel stupid for doing it – though strangely enough i would also have felt strange if i hadn’t. I guess what im trying to say is – i know its over i guess part of me still hopes that he’ll think for himself and if he truly did feel something for me then he will respond in some way. I know no contact is the way to go though i guess to give it one last stab. Part of me feels calm at the moment as i felt like i was the bigger person ( plus through how and what i told him on the phone). You are right he and his family most probably think that “they’ve won” though all im trying to put across is what’s right is right -and me not doing it would be denying that i ever felt anything for him. I know its complicated – but in time i came to see that he was being pressured by himself and his family to settle down. They saw me as the ideal girl for him as long as i went and did everything according to their rules. As we had a small argument which turned into a bigger one as he didn’t want to approach things and discuss things properly i told him that we need to hold off the wedding until we know how to confront things properly as a couple. I never said that i refuse to marry him or not be engaged but simply work through things properly so that we are stronger for it. With this he himself and his parents kicked up a fuss. So the reason for me telling you all this is to see things how i i tended them. 1) If he truly had any feelings for me he would take this opportunity – be a man and come and speak to me right? 2) If hes mature and his parents are educated then they should think that i was doing it bc its the reason “correct” reasonable thing to do right? I know i don’t owe him anything but if anything i guess part if me doesn’t want to accept that he’s a narcassist and uf he really cared for our relationship he would look at me calling him in an objective manner and come and speak to me. By me telling you this do you un any way think its possible that he may come and speak to me? Or that he’ll see it as more of a mature action or have i pushed him away? Yes there are things that have truly hurt me that he and his family said and did which made me back away from our relationship which i never told him and i guess that’s whats eating me up inside. Truthfully i know he is not for me if he continues behaving the way he did – though i guess im finding it hard to convince myself and thought that taking this approach would give him the opportunity to be a man and come and speak to me properly – without passing it by his parents first. So in short i guess from what I’ve told you do you think there is a chance if any that he’ll come to me? Or at least pass through his mind?
Just for the record i don’t plan on calling / getting in touch with him again in any manner. Do you think he would be expecting this?
Thank you for this blog.
To all the women of the world united in “Poliyana Syndrome” and rudely awakened by the Prince of Darkness. All my hopes, all my dreams of the extraordinary gift of trust between a man and a woman has been demolished. I had two years of the most beautiful words of innocence written to me…I was soulmate, I was little woman, beloved..and in small increments I became the enemy, was asked to listen better, to read with more comprehension, to do a better blowjob as to surpass the woman who was nr One. Every night we talked and whispered sweet nothings on the free night hour..the abundance of the gift I slowly unwrapped to find nights when he would say. SO YOU WANT TO TALK…TALK THEN…NOW THE CAT HAS STOLEN YOUR TONGUE. The sudden war would gather in my throat..the sweet intimacy would make way for a tidal wave of tears trapped in my psyche..remembering all the evidence of other women being with him..the stockings, the hairclips, the programmes under the carseats for open air festivals he attended without me knowing. The evenings he went to bed exhausted at 6 and I sat in the darkness of my room knowng with the intuition of a woman that he is out in a bar to find his whore for the night with such sweet promises. I cried for the other women who had their hopes up for this elusive man on his white-white horse making love to them in a significant way sending me I love you notes an hour later. And when I called them afterwards on the numbers found under men’s names, I wanted to demolish them and then press them to my heart and tend to every bruise and wound and imprint he has left on their small frames. He is the reason women lose hope and pride and sleep at night with the empty storybook of dreams like a weapon under their pillows. He is the reason future has a past that prevents it from being.
The sense of loss and the crushing ache in your chest/heart will recide…it will take time and I cannot tell you how long it will take. The very best thing you can do for yourself is to start doing other “things.”
Revisit a favorite hobby –
Take a walk – with a big dog if you’ve got one.
Volunteer
Journal
Keep/make a NO CONTACT chart and map your daily progress
Go to church
Read a silly book
Write back and let me know how you are doing.
ES
I will do just that. I go to church after years of absense. My brother was murdered 2 years ago at 42. I cry the tears for him..something that was sniggered on by my Demolsiher. Tears, the very thing that sexually aroused him? To this day the contradiction strikes me as so confusing. In 2013 I will publish my poetry..I want, perhaps with the insights of people like you, lecture young school girls on the warning signs..this is my aim as far as community work goes. I celebrate the smallest of moments that I see myself shining through the cracks of my broken ideals…I will grow new foliage…its been 4 weeks…the same moon will be his moon,the same sky will cover him at night but a woman like me, in my full capacity WITHOUT his chains, will never come his way again.
Grace be with everyone who has known the humiliation of silence born from fear.
Regards Catherine
All the very best to you Catherine.
Your determination will help in your recovery.
ES
Well, I just logged back on, and I say with my tail between my legs that I did more than break NC. I know ES, Yikes, and Anon are shaking their heads. I am back on this blog because now he is starting the devaluation phase one me. Should I be surprised?
Why did I break NC? Well, at last post you will read he came back to California, and didn’t even mention it to me. I ended up taking a friend to my company holiday party. A big name pop/rock act was the band for this party. I am a singer, and ended up singing on stage with this band. It was a party of thousands of people, and put on YouTube. Long story short, my N got wind of it, and wanted to see me before leaving the state again. My mom and friend warned me that he only wants to bask in my sudden spotlight, to show our many mutual friends. He never hears me sing before, as I only do that privately for someone that I am emotionally attached and committed to. He would always ask, but never really meant it. As soon as he saw the YouTube clip, he was all over it. He also never, ever, ever posts pictures of him and another woman together in the same photo on his Facebook. When we first got together I use to tease him of his 900 friends and that he is calculating and never wants to appear to hurt his future chances. Well, we spent the night together a few weekends ago (yeah, I know); and the next morning he wanted to take pictures of us, and he actually posted them. I think his harem was floored, as was I. But, after a night of saying how much he loves me, and cannot get enough of me, I actually believed him again.
Fast forward two days after that, he goes back to the other state to do some work, and he calls every other day. Now that was a few weeks ago. I can’t even get him to return my text. Since he’s in a dead cell zone, I retexted him asking if he got my text — nothing but radio silence. He attempted to call me on Christmas Eve, but I missed the call. So I waited for him to call me on Christmas. Not a thing. I felt like I was losing my mind. I gave him a small gift before he left, so you’d think he’d call to thank me. By 3pm I was losing it. I asked my 80+ year old mom what to do, and normally she’d say “do not call”. This time she said, “well he did try to call you, and after all it is Christmas”. I called him and he answered! Okay, I’m thinking to myself “WTH”. I said hi, and said hi, then I just got silent because now I’m pissed . . So I just let there be a few seconds of silence then he starts going into excuse mode about cell range, and how he tried the day before. He got my gift, and did NOT say thank you. He just said he opened it, and he hasn’t sent out any yet. Just like that.
Here’s where it gets good . . . So, on Christmas night I texted him a picture of me by the tree. This is when I got nothing in response. Then today, he’s taking pictures of him on a lovely hike, but who is taking the pictures ladies??? Geeze, do they make an App for that? He keeps claiming to have no cell service, but since he only has his iPhone with him, how and the hell is he able to post with Facebook. I guess this fool thinks I’m stupid. Maybe I am.
This was my first turn around the Idolization/Devaluation/Discard merry-go-round, so be easy on me ladies. Maybe it takes more than once for some of us to finally “get it”. What has been bugging me is the thought if I am the N here. Why was I a sucker for feeling happy that he wanted me again? I had a gut feeling after the whole singing thing that this might happen. But I was secretly mad at my friend for even thinking he just wanted to show others that he was with the “singer”. Now I feel like a used toy again. I am to blame. I am angry at myself. And by the way, I am losing my hair (no joke). Doc says could be from the months of stress from the first go around with him.
My apologies for rambling, but there are a few things why I am mad as hell. When other women comment on his posts, they’re always telling him how great he is, talented, adventurous, etc . . . then he’ll comment back how sweet of them. He has NEVER once said something nice like that back to me. Mom said he’s secretly jealous of me, and now that my singing thing went over big, he has dislike for me. She also thinks he hates women since he has Mommy issues. My mom met his mom 28 years ago and said she was a mean and nasty “B” that thought her sh*t didn’t stink”. He has often said that she is difficult. So does he like making people feel bad? I read that some malignant types of Ns enjoy inflicting pain, discomfort, and confusion. Why am I so reluctant to believe that if someone tells you they love you, that they would do this. What is there to gain in that for them?
Well ladies, I am going to seriously try NC. I think it’s the only way to save my sanity, and sadly my hair line. Sorry for any typos ES, but it’s tough on this iPad.
Thanks and Happier New Year!
You know, if you think of all the times that he has controlled you –
Keeping you on edge, keeping you waiting by the phone, keeping you from seeing things clearly, from what they really are….
Do you like him to have power over you? Wouldn’t you like to break it? Because you can.
It is called No Contact and it wordlessly gives you back all the power.
You know how he has gone a week or more without calling you?
You are just doing the same thing – Only you need to make it permanently.
That’s all – I’m done.
ES
drama. way too much drama
Oh I agree Sal…WAY too much DRAMA for me.
ES
@SNM….try not to beat yourself up too much about breaking NC. The holidays are tough. You’re supposed to keep in touch with people that you care about. The problem is that “N’s” only really care about themselves and are all about control. They only care about someone for a short time and only if they (the victim(s)) are serving some sort of purpose or doing a favor for them.
I am always amazed at how much I learn about “N’s” and their behaviors from reading other peoples stories.
I read your story about how your N wanted to be in a picture with you after you were featured on U-tube.
My N did that to me at work. He was flirty with me at work, but then would not respond to e-mails or texts…even when they were work related (frustrating)….always had a sorry excuse why he didn’t.
But when I would accomplish something at work and would get attention for it (photo for local paper or company web site) he would be there, right beside me in the photo…wanting credit for somethiing he had absolutely nothing to do with.
They truly are vampires…sucking the lime-life, energy and any sort of self-esteem out of their victims.
I say let’s not be victims anymore…let them go…..don’t let them get any attention or credit for our accomplishments. We really can have amazing lives without them and the “drama” and crazy making that they so love to create.
Best wishes for a happy,healthy and N free new year!
Thank you NF&LI . . . Right now I can use all the support I can get out there. I know I messed up. You are right though, in reading others stories it does help. And Sal and ES are right, too much drama. Not sure why I expected a different result this time. I’m feeling super depressed. Still in bed and it’s almost noon.
Drama Consolation – I also experienced X-mas drama from two neckbiting Ns this holiday. Thoroughly predictable and perfectly contrary to genuine caring. Examples of how not to live and resulting exhaustion is (y)our body’s insight that more miles apart + better boundaries are wonderful resolutions for 2013.
Best to You.
@SNM….You’re welcome! Anyone that’s been involved with an N has been where you are….depressed, wondering what WE did wrong,why are they treating us like this….
I will tell you it does get better….I’m 9 month’s NC…and it is much better.
Do me a favor (and yourself)….if/when he tries another curtain call….please do not respond….even if he tells you he loves you and misses you….he’s just trying to see if he can still control you and suck you back into his insanity. I know it’s hard, but this cycle will continue as long as you let it.
What I suggest is that you should focus on yourself in the new year….you sound like you are a talented singer….pursue that….work on that , do what you love and forget the pretend guy who only wants to know you when it’s convenient for him.
Take care and best wishes!
Thank you Sal and NF&LI! I got a lump in my throat about 10 minutes ago just before reading this, and tears got flowing. I’m not much of a crier either, but somehow this guy really gets to me. It will take a lot of strength for me to do NC. I need a better year, better boundaries, and strength.
Sucker:
Tell me – Is it easy to avoid food after having THE worse case of the stomach flu, EVER?
Compare the treatment you’ve received from the N to the dry heaves, gut wrentching vomiting, the twisted feeling in your gut….(I’ll stop there…)
Do you after recovering from that, go right back to a HUGE greasy meal of questionable ingredients, some that have been allowed to spoil?
No, no one does.
Don’t go back to contact with an individual who is toxic and poisonous to you.
I wish you strength and “road block” boundaries in the new year.
ES
I have had no contact with my N for 4 weeks and I still wake up with him on my mind and go to sleep that way as well…lol
Leah: That will happen for a while. I used to have dreams featuring the N. It eas very frustrating until I realized that it was my subconscious trying to work through the insanity of having had this disordered person disrupt my life. I would even have “chats” with my subcon and say nurturing stuff like…”There’s nothing to work through, you will not be able to figure the N out…”
You can help the process by getting involved in normal life, in finding new hobbies and renewing old interests – that do not revolve around the N. If it comes down to it, you can put a rubberband around your wrist and snap it every time you have a thought about the N. If you start to get welts on your wrist (from frequent snapping) then you will know that it is time to seek more professional help.
ES
I shall share my experience soon!
Great idea…i will try the band…I already know that I will get welts….everyday still he is on my mind…It’s been 2mths now and at times I get angry and want to bash his false teeth in…..Here’s the story…..I met him on an online dating site…..I knew from the start something was not quite right. I thought that he was a nerdy, cute guy that was harmless. He had road rage and comments would slip out of his mouth about his job (tennis instructor) about how these women are nothing and they are just waiting for their husbands to die so they can marry someone else to support them….I was the one calling and texing….he send me to vm….always very short texts….every 2-3days…stood me up on my birthday and a few other times…..I was pressured into sleeping with him after the 2nd time I was over his house….Get this, he has 4 small dogs and no couches to sit on….his excuse was that the dogs(not potty trained) chew up the furniture….therefore, the only place to sit was in his bedroom on his bed (yeah, I fell for it)…When I came over, his phone would constantly go off and he always had text messages……After I slept with him the 1st time I asked if he was dating…he responded “not right now”..asked him to let me know if he starts or wants to sleep with other people….Never could give me a direct answer as to what our relationship was…..After I slept with him….the excuses…..I’m sick….didnt text or call for a few days yet I did….I felt used…..then his father died(which was true…saw the obituary)…The 2nd time I slept with him, I noticed he took the condom off….I have know this man for less than month….I spoke with him about it….he was very lax stating that it will be ok after he took the condom of the 3rd time we slept together stating that he cant afford any more kids and that it would be ok….It was very hard talking with him because he was so distant…yet I dont understand why he had such a hold on me….He asked me to watch his dogs for him November 17th weekend….Well, I woke and and he left his computer on and I saw his search history of dating sites, vulgar porn sites and local escort services including an excort lookup in the state he went to that weekend for a game. I was hurt and disgusted and now, I am sweating a STD test until mid February where the window period ends…..I pretend nothing was wrong and never talked to him about it….I wasnt sure if he wanted me to see these sites…the entire search history for the week was deleted except for that day and the following day he was to leave….Anyway, he’s unapproachable….when he came home empty handed after I cleaned up an looked after his dogs with a “Thank you, we have to go out someday, soon” WTF…he had sooooo many lotto tickets that he bought and a bag of pecans which he didnt even offer to me(I love nuts)….So, I ignored him for a week….he texted why am I angry,etc….I joined on of the dating sites that I saw on his computer and he viewed my profile…he texted me but never mentioned it…..I did not respond….I was doing ok….Then, I felt I owed it to him to explain….big mistake…I probably would have been ok….So, I went on the dating site an left him a message in his box that its rude to view someone and not speak, I wasnt mad, etc…..he blocked me…..I called and texted for the next 7days and he ignored every single attempt of me trying to clean my side of the street….imagine that! One the 7th day, I emailed him that I knew the relationship was over, I happy being single, balls in your court, I’m not in the game, etc. That was December 1st…..I have not heard from him nor have I tried to contact him since…..I had to fight the urges to call/text during the holidays…..I cried my last tear Decemeber 1st….I think I knew it was over….he never showed up in the 1st place……I continued to still play tennis in hopes that I would run into him someday….I’ve lost 30lbs and starting to weight train……I love to play tennis but my motive is not right….they only thing fueling me to look and feel great is in the hopes of him seeing me look my best….I keep talking myself out of anything drastic and I know in my heart, he is nothing like any kind of man I would ever want in my life….sometimes the feeling of what if I was wrong and he really is an innocent man……then I look back and this short lived relationship and mentally kick myself for still wanting to be a fool…….my brother told me its good that I left it to where he left me calling and texting and not the other way around…….sad thing…..IF I happen to see him again, I dont know what I would do.
I don’t feel in a state to tell my whole story at the moment, but here is the short version (which isn’t exactly short). I am the child of an alcoholic. I have abandonment issues (my mom kicked dad out when I was 5 which was good, but there are still issues), I am the product of marital rape. My dad was violent even though he never hit us. There were many times we had to call the police on him. I was a parentified child. I have always struggled with low self-esteem. I met my husband when I was 19 and trying hard to put myself through college (because my family was very poor). He is emotionally and verbally abusive to me and I believe he is an N. After six years together we married. Another three years after that came sexual abuse. We have two kids together and have been married 19 years. I am a SAHM. The emotional, verbal and sexual abuse has continued. I finally got the courage to say enough is enough this past summer (after decades of wishing I would just die). We are currently in the process of divorce but living in the same house with our kids (a teen boy with ADHD/anxiety and a pre-teen girl).
So, here is my issue. We were basically in a cuckold marriage. He would coerce me to be with other people (men or couples). As with anything, if I didn’t do what he wanted he would get angry and threaten to leave me along with telling me how terrible of a person, wife and mother I am. I avoided it as much as I could but I couldn’t always do that. If I didn’t act like I wanted to do it he would get angry. When I told him I didn’t want to he would say he knows he has to push me but he thinks I’m glad he does. He would also say he knows I’d be perfectly happy never doing it again but he wouldn’t…and then what? (he adds that last part like a threat). All these years I have kept silent about most of the verbal/emotional abuse and had never told ANYONE about the sexual abuse…not even my therapist. That was until last summer. I think most people believe me and are supportive (I haven’t told too many people) and my therapist is trying to help me work through my issues stemming from it and that preceeded it. There is one specific person that keeps flipping back and forth between blaming my N and wanting to say I had options and didn’t have to stay…I could have said no…maybe there was a part of me that wanted to do these sex acts… Sure, from a rational/logical perspective that makes sense. But as we all know, you aren’t thinking rationally/logically when you are in this kind of relationship. It hurts to be repeatedly questioned about it and feel like I have to explain or defend myself against.
As if that part isn’t bad enough, as I started to have romantic feelings, an anonymous person sent the guy pics and a video I didn’t know existed! The comments came that I didn’t look or sound unwilling. It doesn’t seem to matter that I said I had to make my N believe I wanted to or he would get angry, or that my mind would go somewhere else, or that I was playing a role, or that 99% of the time I had to get drunk to get through it. He filed a police report for harassment from this anonymous person and turned over the pics and video. Today I was told “[the cops] told me that comments made in video were not forced seemed consensual. Not much they can do with that.” Who are they to determine that? And now, my guy is upset with me again!
Does anyone else have ANY experience with this? I just can’t take this torture from all around!
Dear Will:
I have NO experience with your story other than a “friendship” with a narcissist.
This sounds like your therapist should be involved in the latest police issue.
The only thing that I want to tell you – You have got to get out of this marriage NOW and get away from this sick abuse.
ES
ES –
I am in the process of getting out of the marriage, but I have no financial means to move out of the house and he won’t leave. Both my parents are deceased, I have one sister 1100 miles away that can’t financially help, and I basically have no friends and those I have are 1100 miles away, too. I did tell my therapist about the latest police issue and I’m not sure what we can do. My attorney knows about the abuse, the pics, the video and the harassment, but he also said it was my guy that had to pursue charges. Now I found out part of why I believe my guy is pushing me away so hard…his health is failing and he doesn’t have many years left (maybe 5 yrs?). This guy was my first true love and I wish I had never went away to college which is why we broke up. We wasted so much time not thinking the other one cared anymore. I’m just heart broken.
I just came across this, and wow, it got to me.
I just came out of a relationship with a narcissist – although I didn’t realise until the very end – and I was the one to end it.
I did go back though, because he wanted to meet up, wanted to discuss things. Of course the charm was turned on, and I told myself I wouldn’t fall for it. But I did.
I finally said I wanted to cut ties – and that’s when the true colours came out. That’s when they always came out, once things didn’t go the way they were supposed to.
For me, it’s the hardest thing to grasp, that he doesn’t actually care. And going back over the relationship and trying to work out what was and wasn’t real is also very taxing.
I guess at the end of the day all I can do is be glad I got out of the situation before I felt trapped forever and be grateful for what it has taught me about relationships and trust. And yes, I do have to pity someone who is so insecure within themselves that they actually need a source of supply to convince themselves they’re superior beings. It’s sad that things that mean so much to me mean nothing to him – I really can’t grasp that at all without getting emotional – but again, he is out of my life forever and for that I am glad.
It’s just such a shock, you know? Especially after spending the better part of ten months defending him and justifying his shitting over my friends and family, and at the end of the day, me.
Focus on gratitude – that you are out of this relationship.
Save your energies to recover from this nightmare and don’t try to make sense of the N.
ES
Someone PLEASE help me remember what SCUM they are…..unfortunately I am in the phase of remembering the good times and I am afraid I will call him or text him. They are all alike so your experiences will remind me of things he has done.
Christine: Only you can remember the abuse that you have had to suffer at the hands of the N.
Start with the Lies, the verbal abuse, the covert abuse of gas lighting, the times that you called him on something he said, only to have him say in turn, “I never said that.”
The adultery, if you were married –
Finding texts and calls from many different women on his phone –
Finding that he had multiple profiles on dating sites –
The LIES –
The passive agressive silent treatment –
Experts say that it is important to forgive and to not be angry –
But I, the former victim say that it is important to hang on to our anger for a season –
Until we can get past the longing, that damn desire to talk to him or her and “work it out.”
Because deep down in our subconscious – in the deep recesses of our brains, we know that it cannot be worked out! If only we could get that information forward to the front portion of our brain where we can wrestle with it, logically, knowing that it is fully correct.
Everytime you want to call him – Do something for yourself – something that you used to enjoy before the N came along and destroyed everything.
Elisse Stuart
Hi Christine – I have a good one for you. Just over a week ago, after I’d broken up with my boyfriend, and he had coaxed me into meeting up with him, he was still telling me he would love me forever and couldn’t live without me, yaddah yaddah yaddah. So I say we can still be friends.
That night, all the bad memories came back, and I didn’t really get why I still wanted to be friends with someone so manipulative and detrimental in the first place. So I told him we should cut ties.
I sent him an apology email, not saying I wanted to get back into his life, just acknowledging that I felt I had handled the situation wrong. He was angry, and then he became friendly, saying he still desired my friendship.
A few days later, he tells me, “I’ve started seeing someone else.” AFTER insisting that he was harbouring feelings of UNDYING LOVE for me.
You DON’T just forget an intense 10-month relationship and fall for a new person in that space of time. Either he is lying to me, manipulating the situation once again, or his narcissism requires him to find a new source of adulation ASAP.
Which makes me question whether my entire relationship was based on a lie. Which is really hard.
Oh, I also need to write that after he sent that email, he said he didn’t want to let go of our friendship, but I need to do what’s right by me and tell him if I don’t want to continue with it. All nicey-nice. So I respond, all nicey-nice, and let him know that I don’t think we should keep in contact, and rather start on a clean slate.
His final email was a complete turnaround – extremely snide and nasty. His plan to manipulate me didn’t work the final time round. I have since blocked him on all email and social media accounts.
I too am still remembering the good times – but the bad times are enough to show me that he is NOT worth it. I know that at the end of the day, he is a pathetic person. Whether he moves on faster than me is of no consequence to me – because I can see that it’s not for the right reasons. I just feel sorry for the rebound (if she exists) and any subsequent girlfriends, who will have to go through what I did.
We actually do deserve the best. And we are better than they made us feel we were.
Candy: Thanks for weighing in on the issue for Christine.
ES
OMG…I am feeling that maybe I was wrong about this man and a strong urge to apologize and clean my side of the street. I can not stop thinking about this man…day in and day out….It has been over 2 months and HE is the only person on my mind! I have arranged to see him without him knowing but I will tell him…..I must need a good swift kick in the face again! I’m hoping not to hear “I told you so”. HELP!!!
Leah: Okay, yes, You probably do need a kick in the “Patootee.”
Do you mean to tell me that you have 2 full months of NO CONTACT and you are still thinking of ways to see him? How many days of NC do you really have?
Have you blocked him from all social media and email?
Are you Cyber Stalking him to see what he is doing? Going on dating sites etc?
You do not need to apologize to a dead man.
It is essential that you go on from this day forward as if he were dead.
You have no contact, you don’t visit the cemetery – the memorial service is OVER.
You need to take of YOU.
You take walks, take a cooking class, take a yoga class, take a college class.
Weed the garden, clean the garage, re-organize the kitchen.
You do all the things that you used to do BEFORE the N – because the N is dead now.
And every night before you go to bed, you put a mark on your NC calendar that shows you’ve got one more day of NC under your belt. Like this:
llllElisse Stuart
Elisse, I kept looking at his dating profile and noticed he had not logged on for over a month (I can look without him knowing) so yes I was cyber stalking…..he really is dead….I just wrote a book about what happened…..this is day number 2 of NC and I will update.
It’s called “N-dipping.”
You won’t get better until you stop doing it.
ES
During my first and last curtain call I discarded the N. I walked away while being idealized. I got a call that “this wasn’t a good day for him”…he couldn’t find me…I use his favorite saying “oh well.” This is what he said when I told him how I missed and cried over him leaving. I still think of him but I am moving forward. He recently called me to say the phone redialed by mistake and hung up on me. That was a one two punch. He’ll never hoover…for I abandoned him…
June: Good for you that you were the one to do the leaving.
On the chance that he has a moment of weakness, be sure that you block his calls and emails.
ES
This unique posting, “Narcissistic Curtain Calls” was in fact beneficial. I am printing out a duplicate to demonstrate to my good friends. Thank you, Carlo
Thanks Carlo,
Glad it was a help to you.
ES
Do Ns ever give you NC in order to make YOU contact them?
Do they usually put on the “strong face” as if to say they have done nothing wrong?
Do Ns usually tend to confront things “better” than us, as if they have no shame?
Here’s an example: Recently my brother went to a friends party and came across
mythe N. Unfortunately my brother was standing right near the entrance when he arrived. The N put his hand out to my brother and said hi. My brother shook his hand and just replied “G’day”. They stood there for a bit not saying a word and then my brother walked off.Secondly – when my brother told me he shook the N’s hand, I wasn’t upset but partly glad that he did as otherwise we/my brother would have looked like the bad and bitter ones. Am I stupid for thinking that what my brother did in return as right or should he have just ignored his hand? Right now I’m in the “feeling guilty” phase and have been thinking things through believing that I was the one that had done wrong in the relationship. Partly I know that I wouldn’t have the confidence to put on the “brave face” to anyone in his family – Why is this?
Dear Anon: First of all, you are OVER-thinking, this WAAAY too much.
“Do Ns ever give you NC in order to make YOU contact them?”
To go from being your friend/lover to No Contact is a game that narcissists play through out the entire “relationship” with their “supply.” You are asking me to explain the inner workings of the mind of a psychopath/sociopath. I can’t do it, I am not a doctor. For the narcissist, (it is not the normal person’s definition of No Contact), it simply means that they are done with you and have moved on.
You need to move on too.
“Do they usually put on the “strong face” as if to say they have done nothing wrong?”
“Do Ns usually tend to confront things “better” than us, as if they have no shame?”
Narcissists don’t EVER think that they have done ANYTHING wrong! It is no problem for them to put on a brave face and carry on like nothing is wrong, because for them, nothing is wrong. Sure they have to cultivate a new source of narcisssistic supply but they usually have several individuals “hanging on” to elist to take your spot.
It is what they do!
News flash: Narcissists have no shame. They don’t feel bad when something bad happens to someone else, they don’t feel bad that they have caused emotional pain and harm to someone else.
Stop referring to the N as “my N.” He is no longer
your N.Recently my brother went to a friends party and came across my the N. Unfortunately my brother was standing right near the entrance when he arrived. The N put his hand out to my brother and said hi. My brother shook his hand and just replied “G’day”. They stood there for a bit not saying a word and then my brother walked off.
This is called Social Niceities. A person is at a party, someone walks in and says ‘hello’ and the other person standing there, shakes their hand and says ‘hello’ back. It is what is expected. It is the social norm.
It is FANTASTIC that your brother said nothing else and after a socially acceptable amount of time had past, moved away from the N. Bravo to your brother.
Secondly – when my brother told me he shook the N’s hand, I wasn’t upset but partly glad that he did as otherwise we/my brother would have looked as the bad and bitter ones.
Anon: There is No “We” in this situation. Your brother was at a party and as social graces were called for, he shook the N’s hand. Over, end of story.
Am I stupid for thinking that what my brother did in return as right or should he have just ignored his hand?
Your brother shook the hand of the hand of the XXXXX narcissist…END of story.
Right now I’m in the “feeling guilty” phase and have been thinking things through believing that I was the one that had done wrong in the relationship. Partly, I know that I wouldn’t have the confidence to put on the “brave face” to anyone in his family – Why is this?
Why is this? I would say you are having some deep self esteem issues that you need to work through with a counselor. You were severely damaged by the narcissist and you have not recovered yet. It seems that you were also emotionally harmed by the N’s family. I am not sure of how long ago these incidents took place or how deep you were in the “relationship” but recovery does not happen overnight and it certainly doesn’t happen when you are constantly focusing on the thought that you you did something wrong in the “relationship.”
What would you have have done if you were in a similar situation as your brother?
Here’s my advice for if you EVER find your self in the same type of scenario:
If you can find out who is coming to the party – if the N has been invited, then don’t go! It is as easy as that.
IF you don’t have a way of knowing if he was invited:
Do not stand near the door of the party where guests entering.
Enter the party and move away from the door making a mental note of where the exits are.
Talk to friends that you know, have a few snacks, enjoy yourself, don’t drink alcohol. Alcohol, in the circumstances where you could find yourself in the same room as the narcissist is NOT a good idea. Besides that, you would be drinving yourself to and from the party, so don’t drink.
If one of your friends says, “Oh look! Is that?/It IS the XN coming in the door!”
Don’t look.
Excuse yourself to powder your nose.
But you are not going to the ladies room, you are heading for one of those exits you checked for when you got to the party.
Leave the party – never drive with friends, always take your own car so that you can leave when you want.
Driving to the party or event gives YOU the power to take care of yourself and leave when you need to leave.
After – and I do mean AFTER you get safely home….you may text the party host/hostess and say thanks for such a great time, yadah yadah yadah, but that you had a headache (or similar reasonable excuse) and had to leave.
If you will give NO Contact a chance and stop wondering about whether or not your brother should have shook the N’s hand and who is looking bitter – just stop the behavior and take care of you and do the things I have mentioned before….getting a new hobby…going to school etc…..You will get over this.
Elisse Stuart
Thanks for your reply ES.
I know what you’re saying us true. If anything I get “guilty” rushes every now and then when I think the way he would want me to think. But truthfully at the end of the day I’m grateful that things ended as I know I could never live truly happy with him. It’s hard to accept but every day that goes by I get confirmations that remind me of that. The reason I say that “we” is because I know how his mind works. He interprets everything to his benefit. When we were together get not over analysed and miss judged me but also my family (which ultimately led me to decide to end things.) I know saying this does not make sense but his mind works in a certain way that is hard to explain, which in turn makes me sound like I’m the one that’s reading into things. I am absolutely glad that my brother gave his hand and am aware that this is social conduct – but of course just part of me wishes that my brother had not even been confronted with him. All in all yes this has been a process as I was once engaged to this guy who I gave full credit to as been a great guy and instead always ignored the red flags which eventually slapped me in the face. Though am truly grateful that this happened nowratrateerupted than later.
Sorry for my firm response, I hate to hear that reader’s are beating themselves up over a disordered individual – second guessing themselves and feeling like everything that went wrong in the relationship was the reader’s fault.
Yes, it is so good that it happened (nowratateerupted – not sure what that means :)) now rather than later when there could have been young innocent children involved who would have to deal with the N all their lives.
All the best to you – that you will find a decent, caring and normal 🙂 man to love and spend your life with.
Take good care,
ES
Not a problem – If anything its good to be straight up.
Yes, sorry I’m writing from my phone with predictable text so at times it gives me words such as “nowratrateerupted”
Thanks for your words. It’s a process – slowly but surely getting there.
Hi Anon:
That explains it. I have an ancient phone but have heard dialog on sit-coms where the actor says, “Oh my I-phone it translated architect for astronaut”
ES
Ok….I did what I said I would do, I apologized and started seeing the N again…WOW…it does get worse….1st of all I pretended to be happy but was never satisfied….I talked with him how unhappy I was and he said he would do better…..he couldn’t give me much more than “more than friends with benefits but less than a girlfriend” and the 3 week space he asked me to give him to get his stuff together with work (yeah), he had the nerve to tell me after I asked him that he slept with someone else and didn’t understand why I was mad because he used a condom(?)….after I cursed him out, he called me crazy and asked for his key because he didn’t trust me anymore….I apologized (imagine that) and he kicked me out anyway (lol) after I took my entire day while he was working to look after his pregnant one year old dog while she had her puppies (I was on call for him although I prepaid a month in advance for the cardio fit event for the kids…I left the event way early to this while he worked)..now, keep in mind I’m on call for him but his baby mother he will take out for mothers day to keep her happy so his child support don’t change and he said but never did that we would do something else before mother’s day……I got the feeling he kept me around to get attached to his non potty trained dogs so he could sell (yes sell after all I’ve done for his dogs) me the pups…..He told me he usually sell the puppies and would not give them to me…the vet stated 2 died because she was too young and the pups will die if there is no one to watch them for the next few days because she would not let them feed and she rejected them and she could not breed again….so, after the argument the N threw me out after I watched her give birth and come home with 2 of 4 pups, he texted me 2 hours later that I could come back “if I behave”….I went back….he made me feel guilty because I had an emotional attachment to the dogs…so, I made sure all night that the pups got feed, took the to work with me the next day and made sure they latched on and the mother took to the pups so they wouldn’t die…..I then asked for one and he told me that he will sell them and the pet stores are asking for them if I don’t want to buy them…..well, I decided to buy them (unpotty trained mom and her 2, 2day old pups) for $500 dollars…..he then raised the price to $600 which I flat out refused….then when I asked for there akc papers and shot records, I find out that mom (1yr old) Never had ANY of her shots and she was not registered (dachshunds) AND the pups dad was her dad also and her mother who is only 4 years old have back and hip problems so he will put her down because he wont pay for the surgery….I was Still going to give him the money, I let him know I needed to know a couple of things so when I asked about the shot records, papers, her diet, he started cursing when he told me she had nothing and asking me to I have HIS money, then he slammed the door in my face (he stepped outside to talk to me….the dogs mom was in real bad shape and couldn’t use her hind legs so she was scooting) as I heard him saying he stayed up for this and I didn’t have any money, etc….Now mind you, I was going to give him them money anyway until the door slammed in my face…..I went to the car and told him this then I told him to keep his dogs….he texted a nice sweet text the next day saying that I can still get mom and pups and that he just didn’t want to see her and the pups with strangers for a couple of days (I had let him know before the door slam that I would be out of town for a few days and if they could stay until I get back…I was going to pay him then but he over reacted and cursed and then the door slam)….I never responded to the text and I’m back in town…..I deleted every text message and every phone number and even my call log…I got my swift kick in the but and all the closure I will ever need. I’m done and I thank you for this blog. I cant even get angry…lol…the N is a very, very sick person and he had the nerve to call me crazy! Whatever, loser….I vowed to turn my phone of for the next month because I don’t receive texts after three days and that has always been his method…..”haven’t heard from you, I need some, I want to, are you busy, etc, etc.
Leah
Well Leah, your story (which is very hard to follow and full of crazy making) is just further proof that once you walk away from the N or he walks away from you – Everything in your power should be done to avoid getting sucked back in again.
ES
The N texted a Happy Mother’s day text…….I felt a surge of power when I ignored yet another text! I decided that I will keep my phone on, no use in family and friends suffering….it helped me a great deal to delete it right away instead of looking at it all day……I joined a couple of past dating sites not really looking for anything serious….it was so wonderful to be called beautiful again and asked out on dates! I read through the earlier replies and I’m so very glad I stumbled on this website a few months back….I’ve only know the N for 7 months and I had NC for 4 of those months…..I still feel that door slam and its fueling my release…..Thank you so very much ES for this….thank you, thank you, thank you and Happy Mother’s day to all the moms……stay strong.
Leah
Thank you Leah, bless your heart. A very happy belated Mother’s Day to you too.
ES
I wonder what happen to those so called pet stores that were already calling him about the puppies…..lmbo..guess that was a lie also because according to his message he left (can you say “curtain call”), the puppies are still with him….ha ha……he can’t sell them….probably because the mom has no shots or papers…wow, I almost gave him $500 for them….I feel like I dodged a bullet.
There will be many things you will find out were lies. There will be many more you will never know about – and the most important thing to remember will be that one day you won’t give a “flying rat’s patootie” about any of it. God’s. Honest. Truth.
ES
🙂 🙂 :)….LOL…..I so look forward to that day of that….Thank you so much ES, I’m actually smiling!
It will take time – don’t rush it. You need to go through all the stages of grief. You don’t want to bypass a stage because it will only set you back later.
ES
[…] see Narcissistic Curtain Calls by Elise […]
Ummm – I guess it is okay that you re-blogged my post, but could you correct the spelling on my name? It is “Elisse.”
Thanks very much.
Mrs. Elisse Stuart
Somewhere along the way, I turned into someone I don’t recognise. There are highs that make everything seem great, but then there is the criticism – often so slight that it’s hard to explain to others what the problem is, but it’s unrelenting and stacking up over time and my esteem is now so low. I can see that it’s happening and I recognise his narcissism but I feel powerless to stop it, questioning myself and my actions and constantly wondering whether I’m being ‘petty’.
‘My’ narcissist has recently found another supplier but instead of feeling relieved, I feel deserted / discarded. And I’m finding myself furious and bitter at the contrast in his attitude towards the old and the new. I’m supposed to be a strong independent woman, but turns out I’m a mug and ashamed of it.
What makes this worse still is that this isn’t even a relationship. This is just my flatmate – a friend – who I allowed to move into my flat when he had nowhere else to live. I haven’t kicked him out so I guess that makes me some kind of co-narcissist and I’ve brought this on myself.
Who am I? Seriously. Who is this person?
Sorry – I’m hoping it’ll help me to vent.
Anna: Seriously, Don’t apologize.
I understand what you are saying. You have to decide when you have had enough of someone who is just a flatmate.
ES
I was married for 30 years (3 children) to what I now believe is a very sick man!! My beautiful son convinced me 3 years ago to kick his father out of our home! About 1 1/2 months before kicking him out I found out he was having an affair with a younger married woman! She left her husband and they have been together ever since. The final D@D was so awful! I don’t know if I will ever get that awful time out of my head!!!!
Our divorce is now final! I was so depleted that I gave into his demands and lost my home, car, retirement etc!
He has NO contact with our 3 beautiful children but still shows up at our son’s basketball games. (He is one of the stars of his team)! He even brings his girlfriend! I can’t wrap my mind around all the weird things he does!!
My children are thrilled he is out of our lives! As for me….I struggle daily trying to figure out what happened!! My memory is starting to come back slowly but surely with the help of my kids and ongoing therapy!!
I think I pretended for so long it became my reality!!
He now lives in my home with his girlfriend and her children! Seemingly happy as can be!!!
My question is….Why does he feel the need to contact me every couple months (I NEVER reply) for the most absurd reasons? My e-mail address in my married name but he insists on adding to the address my maiden name!! He has to physically write it in every time!! I know it sounds sooooo petty on my part but it baffles me and I can’t lie…it hurts!
The only reason I haven’t blocked him is we still have unfinished issues in regard to our divorce (My name is still on the loan for the house) and I can’t afford my attorney anymore!
Is this his pathetic way of trying to continue to hurt me? If he is as happy as he tried to make me believe he is why won’t he leave me alone?? It seems to set me back in my healing every time!!
Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!
JoAnn
When I first met my N, a passage in the Bible jumped out “for even Satan masquerades as an angel of light.”
It kept popping up everywhere. I even underlined it at the time without knowing why. Now I know why.
I left him 3 days ago and miss him so bad. I’m hurt and broken and so devastated to realise that the whole thing – all 6 years was a lie. It was a joke. He waa so complimentary saying I was an angel sent from heaven and a princess. He was so sweet and romantic. I thought he was perfect.
After 6 months the abuse began but by then he had me hooked on drugs because he does them and I was made homeless after been evicted for his behaviour. Before I had nice home, good job, good mates, good times and a good life. He caused me to lose everything and cut me off from family and friends. I wasn’t even allowed to talk to my mum. I knew it was stupid but I was scared of him going nuts so I’d agree to anything for the sake of peace. This is escape attempt number 5 – 3 days gone.
Usually he calls 100 times a day but he doesn’t seem bothered this time. He hasn’t called and said he doesn’t want to know me since I “screwed him over.” I waited for him to go out, changed locks, emptied bank account..went to stay with mate and texted him it’s over, I’m gone.
He cried, went mental 1st day…now he doesn’t care and I’m hurt because I want him to beg for me back and promise to change. I know he never will but it hurts knowing he isn’t bothered. Even though I left, it’s like he’s still got the upper hand because he doesn’t love me. While I miss him like mad.
I’ve been dreaming of been free of him for so long – now it is happening and I’m confused by my feelings. I miss him and our chemistry. Even thoough that too, was probably fake.
Is he playing games do you think?
I don’t know what to think. How I could love and miss someone so evil, I dunno. It’s hard to accept the man I loved isn’t real and I got used. I feel such a muppet, hope I can get over him.
Louisa:
You will be able to get over him, but it will just take time.
N’s are forever playing games because that’s just what they do.
Your biggest weapon against him and your biggest source of healing will be No Contact.
Trust me when I say that breaking all contact with him will your clear your head so fast. He was an addiction and you have to go off ‘cold turkey.’
ES
After intently reading most all had to say about their experience with the “N” In their life…It’s like reading excerpts from my own 21 years of hell with a “N”.
I will be posting my experience on here as well and very soon.
I wish I had known then what I know now…I could have saved myself & son from the seemly end-less misery that quickly ensued..I can truly relate to each person’s post here..
I have to believe that an awesome life awaits each person that has endured this level of abuse.
This has become my motto; If I succumb and continue to hide hoping to avoid confrontation with my EX “N”, (as we live In the same small town & currently in a court battle due to his no-compliance to the divorce papers), then HE wins!
I refuse to be his prisoner, but make the choice to live my life to the fullest. If I see him out somewhere ..ie..same store I will not provoke, I will go the other way..WHY? as you all know, they will NEVER take accountability for all the “wrongs they’ve done”…NEVER!
Look ahead, even If you have to do it afraid. (Trust your instincts, they’re there for a reason)
Don’t let life live you, take charge of your life. And yes, I’m still healing from this horrendous abuse after having been divorced 4 yrs.
I know deep down Inside I’ve been created for more than living under the control of his marionette strings.
He doesn’t get to have “victory” over me, that’s my choice to make!
Don’t allow that “N” person to prick the healing wound, EVER!
I deserve a better life, one filled with joy, love and peace, and so does every person that has ever been In the grips of this manipulative calculating monster.
Relieved and moving on……
Cindy:
Thank you for your comments and thoughts. Hope to hear from you again soon.
Sorry to hear that the N is drawing out the process with the divorce, but gee isn’t that typical.
ES
“The N befriends his target, his victim…usually female” I’m a guy and applied your text to my N ex girlfriend. Both male and females can have NPD. Great article though.
Dear Monk: Absolutely – Women can have NPD, and do. Nine years ago, the only people I heard from were women who had been targeted. Believe it or not, I can count on one hand the number of males who have commented here on a N relationship.
ES
This Is absolutely brilliant.
Kerri –
Wow, thanks. It just flowed off my pen to paper many years ago now.
ES
This was a great way to describe an nx. Almost poetic. It gave me another view of how to look at the abuse i went through which was very helpful. I believe I’m at my final discard where as I have seen through my ex n and called her out, and she ran because I refused to be a source of supply. Not only did I call her out but my mom told her to stay away from me, which I know had to be a big blow to her fragile ego.
This was all of a result of her punching me in the eye so hard she fractured my orbital bone. It’s been 3 months and I’m finally regaining sense on the right of my lip and up the side of my nose to under my eye. It was all numb. She damaged the nerve right there. As bad as this sounds i still miss my x everyday. I have my good and bad moments.
I had to move out from where we were living because she left everything behind and it was too painful being there. It was as if one day to the next everything happened. I soon discovered her at a local shelter strung out of her mind. To make a long story short. she ended up in jail.
Yes I knew she would end up there and yes I checked the jail roster frequently. She just got out yesterday, still has her stuff at my house. And still no word. I’m slowly but surely moving on. But since I moved back now I have to rummage through our old things, her clothes etc. I have no room to be mad. I just feel sorry for her.
First of all, I am thankful that you are recovering!
I love that your mom told her to stay away from you. That’s a mom after my own heart.
Just a smidge of advice, and I bet your mom would help you…As you come across her belongings…put them black trash bags. Things that you owned together will be a tough call. You’ll have to decide if you want them in your life. Maybe you can store them in a shed or garage….or just put them out for sanitation pick up.
Just a thot – totally your call of course.
Prayers for continued healing.
ES
I was never 100% taken in by the narc at least on my side. When he disappeared, my life went on – I actually did better when he wasn’t around. I never pursued him. He’d come back and apologize not that it meant anything.
Many times I’d get made or just want something else and cut him off. Boy he hated that.
But for me the last straw was last January (7 months ago). He crossed the line of no return. I was pissed, he ignored me so I blocked him. I wrote myself an email about how he made me feel which I looked at periodically to stay strong.
He went crazy and attached me, but he was blocked. I did get one voicemail, started to listen but stopped myself and deleted. i have received the periodic email (although I don’t really check for them) which go unanswered.
Is my life perfect, nope but it is better. I have a great job, a better relationship with my daughter and I am looking for someone special. I still have my friends and family too.
I couldn’t agree more with everything that you said. One thing I’d like to add: I did see the mirroring in hindsight, but I didn’t see I it as presenting themselves to me in my own reflection, I just figured he copied me to look like a real person to everyone. The N of my past life has now found himself in deep depression, and has to live with his mother, the original N. I believe it’s because he’s never going to face the truth, Can’t forgive himself because he never learned how to forgive anyone for anything, and doesn’t have the energy to out run the truth anymore. What a horrible fate for somebody that I spent so much time with.