Clustr Maps: Connect the DOTS! Part I

I love maps; I studied geography in college, not as part of my career goals, but just because it was interesting. 

When my friend and blogging buddy told me about ClustrMaps and I saw the link info on her site, it looked like fun. 
I like seeing where the people who visit my blog come from.  It makes me feel connected to the world, and chances are I will never visit some of the far flung places in the world that drop by my blog for a visit.  Welcome.  Stay and have a cup of tea while you read.   Someday I hope to get to Europe & stay in a castle, any castle will do.  (I know they are drafty…I will bring a sweater.) We have plans for an Alaskan cruise in 2010….but I’m afraid that my long desired trip to the Holy Land will have to wait.

When I was growing up, my family travelled cross-country…three times…from coast to coast…by car.  When we lived in the east, there were trips to Georgia, Florida and the east coast…New York, New England, Canada and our nation’s capital. 
I was always in charge of the AAA Trip-tick on these adventures.  I read aloud from the appropriate tour book that listed the hotels and points of interest along the way. 

I know what you’re thinking…..”Oh how romantic and fun that must have been!”…..traveling by car, learning about the United States, meeting interesting people…visiting national parks, monuments, historic cities…seeing America up close…Yes, that would have been fun. 
Let me clarify…
I would have enjoyed the maps, the traveling and the history much more, if my father was the kind of person that actually pulled over to enjoy the scenic outlooks that the tour books boasted about. 

Rather, our stops were fast…fill the car up with gas and a potty break for the occupants…including the dog.  Sometimes the stops were just to let the dog out for a quick pee and maybe  a poop.  Teddy got really good at holding it in for…..hours.  She was the only dog I have ever seen who could cross her legs.  Since she also had motion sickness, we had to give her Dramamine.  I still have a vivid memory of her vomiting on the edge of a mountain road on the way to Big Bear, CA.  Poodle puke is not pretty. 
Sad face. 

Some of these cross country road trips also included my 70-ish year old grandmother.  
While having three generations trapped in a vehicle is great for family togetherness & bonding….one member of our family was not thrilled.  You see, my dog HATED the sound of my grandma’s voice. 
So we had to medicate her during the trips….the dog…not my grandmother.   

Fortunately for Teddy, the Dramamine helped her sleep…again, the dog slept…. not my grandmother.
Oh no!  Grandma did not sleep, maybe briefly doze off perhaps, but never a good long nap…filling the car with peaceful quiet….
Those brief ‘cat naps’ (sorry Teddy) gave Grandma the energy to talk, a lot.  Grandma had opinions to force upon you share; people to gossip talk about…

My grandmother did not approve of the music selections, restaurant choices (she wasn’t paying), conversation topics, or the level of the air conditioning.  She was not afraid of loudly voicing her opinions and Grandma’s opinions were many. 
During her lectures, Teddy would have her head buried in my mom’s armpit, even the Dramamine didn’t help. 
Sometimes she would whimper….(yes, the dog.) 
There were times during the trips that I’m sure my dad wished he could slip her a ‘little something’…in this case…his mother…not the dog.

As far as the music selections, don’t get excited.  We had approximately a dozen 8 Track tapes…remember those?  Montavanni & His Orchestra, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Doc Severinsen (from Tonight Show fame), Nat King Cole….(I heard Mona Lisa so many times that I could probably re-write an arrangement  of it today, myself – from memory.)  Then, there was the very jazzy 8 track tape that came with the car.  I can’t remember all the performers, but every time I hear Carlos Santana’s “Oye como va“, I am transported to a long stretch of deserted highway somewhere in the continental US. 
I actually have the music playing “as we speak”…it’s giving me, my inspiration.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpPb2cVswlI

While Grandma claimed to not like the the uptempo numbers, she kept time by tapping on the passenger window….for miles……(she really liked the Carlos Santana piece.)  Sometimes we could get a smile out of Grandma by singing a chorus of “Sweet Hour of Prayer” along with Tennessee Ernie Ford in Donald Duck voices.  And they call this…talent. 
There were other artists, but I can’t remember the titles now…the tapes have long since been donated to the Smithsonian. 
(Although Manilow’s “Even Now ” 8 track is still around here somewhere.  Notice:  Any snotty anti-Barry Manilow comments will earn you an immediate place of dishonor in the Spam folder.)

During one rather eventful trip, my mom was seated behind my grandmother.  Mom was in the direct line air conditioning for hours;  she had a serious case of bronchitis/pneumonia by the time we reached our destination.  Luckily, hospitals are also listed in the AAA tour books.

I saw the Grand Canyon as a ‘tween.’  My father parked the car, we got out, walked to edge, stared out and took a photo.  I still have the pic of me and Teddy in a photo album…acid free of course.  My dad said “that’s the Grand Canyon.”  We got back in the car.  The little tour had taken away 10 minutes from our valuable drive time. 

Teddy was not without her colorful moments.  Once in Canada after the Olympics in Montreal, a lovely Canadian with a French accent asked if he could pet Teddy.   I did not understand, “Does she bite?  in French….fortunately he moved his hand before she tried to give him a nip.   She was an adorable dog, and the fact that she wore her security ‘blanket’ sweater even in the summer made her even cuter.  I apologized profusely for my dog, I must have had the gene for diplomacy even then.  The gentleman was very kind and accepted my regrets for the behavior of my medicated poodle.  Turned out he was some sort of Canadian diplomat….good thing Teddy did not start an international incident. 

My husband’s traveling experiences were similar to mine. 
His family made approximately 15 trips between CA and the Midwest during his childhood. 
My in-laws had two weeks vacation each year and they did not want to spend all of it driving.  Hubby’s father and mother would take turns at the wheel, stopping only for potty breaks until they reached their destination.  Hubby’s CA grandma would make sandwiches for the trip….
Hubby says they had to hope the food would last and not spoil….luckily Coleman coolers had been invented by then…..

His family would always begin their journeys late at night or in the wee morning hours…to get through the desert while it was cool. 
Of course this meant the first leg of the trip was in the dark….making it difficult to see the beautiful scenery. 
There were often conversations like the following –
“Hey Kids!  Here’s Yosemite….But Dad, it’s 3 am – it’s kinda dark!” 
“Oh look!  That was an indian reservation!…Really? Where?” 
It’s a wonder when we were growing up that neither one of us had whiplash from watching the scenery zoom past. 

Hubby is willing to share some personal anecdotes of travelling with his family: 
One trip all the children had coloring books.  They kept the new crayons in a coffee can…never put a coffee can filled with crayons in the back window of an Oldsmobile on a hot August morning…..

There was the time in Arizona….on a indian reservation…surprisingly enough during daylight hours…when Father-in-law bought fireworks.  “FIL” thought he was purchasing the tiny ‘lady fingers’ fireworks, when what he actually bought were full fledged firecrackers.  “FIL” thought it would be funny to light one off in the car…..I mean, light a firework in the car…don’t EVEN get me started on personal emissions.  After the blast rocked the station wagon, I’m surprised they all didn’t lose their hearing.  Could this be why sometimes Hubby says “Huh?” when I ask him a question?   

…Then there was the time that the brakes went out on the Oldsmobile, coming down out of Loveland Pass in Colorado…wheee…Rocky Mountain Higgggggggggh!  My mother-in-law nearly had a nervous breakdown from the joy ride down the mountain road. 

I don’t think I can tell you what happened in Yosemite…I’ll check to see if there’s a statute of limitations on flowers before my next post on Clustr Maps.  So – between hubby and I, we’d seen lots of the country by car…at 60 – 70  miles an hour or whatever….speed that our fathers could get by with…the speed limit allowed…often in the dark.

Coming in Part II – Stories from the Road when you take the time to stop and “Smell (Don’t pick) the Flowers!”

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One less chair at the conference table…

 

 

There was an extra chair at the conference table today. 
Empty. 
No Narcissist in sight
No reason given for the absence. 
I’m filled with gratitude.

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Across the Conference table

I have to attend a meeting this week. 
In and of itself, that’s not a bad thing. 
Hot coffee, a comfortable chair, maybe some chocolates scattered on the conference table for sampling…..

Sitting in the same room as the Narcissist….?  Not so much. 
I have been NC (No Contact) for so long now, I have lost count of how many months at this point.  And I have been enjoying every moment of it, let me tell you. 

I know it will sound bad, but I am trying to think of ways to NOT go to this meeting. 
Headache, sick child, sick myself, a hang nail…
I don’t want to mention car issues…my car is running great….knock on wood, Formica, Plexiglass….

I really don’t want to see the *%) #*+(, much less be in the same room with him. 

Some of my friends have told me to suck it up, dress up and pretend the *&^ (*) #%^*> doesn’t exist while being in the same room.  This will be a true test of all these months of research, therapy and blogging. 
I’ll let you know how it goes.

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FAQ: Missing Pretend Guy…

I’ve brought this post forward from 2009 for a time to make the info a bit more accessible…..

This afternoon, a friend brought me the mail from my box.
There were a couple of memos, lots of junk mail, magazines, catalogs,
….the usual things.
At the bottom of the stack was an envelope addressed to the N.

Now if my life were a movie, this would be the moment in the film where the orchestra music would swell with a tense portion of the score…..the strings, the woodwinds, the trumpets, the English horns….the harps….Hey!  This is my horror movie….I want a full orchestra.

But it’s not a movie.  It’s just my boring life, (my life that had an N in it for a while.)  I can visualize a guy with an axe running across the screen from stage left….cue the screams.

Three years ago, seeing that envelope would have made me feel like all the air had been sucked out of my universe.  I wouldn’t have been able to function for the rest of the day, thinking about the loss of my frieNd(ship.)

Three years ago, my obsessive thought…the only thing I would have be able to do….the compulsive desire…would have been to return the envelope to his mailbox.
Or.
Worse yet.  Deliver it to him in person. Big mistake.  Huge.
And I would have felt a constant aching, gaping void.
I know…very dramatic…however true.

Today my response was…
“Huh…Would you look at that?  Somebody screwed up in the mail room.”
I felt nothing.   I sat at my desk.  In my office.
For once it was peacefully quiet…and thought nothing about this piece of correspondence.
A smile spread across my face as I realized that I could honestly say, “Whatever.”

What do you do about missing the “Pretend Guy?”

When I check my blog, sometimes I will look at the Search Engine Terms that people use to find me.  My friend taught me this trick.  When the “Writing Muse” is evasive, I read through the terms and sometimes I get “inspiration”.

There is a phrase that continues to come up in terms that really tugs at my heart.  It brings back painful memories – like a wave of grief washing over me.  I feel raw writing about that period of time, after The N…but if  people are using this term as a search, then I need to share what I’ve learned.
But first I need a glass of wine….talk amongst yourselves for a moment….

This terminology was the perfect description for a man who pretended to be my friend. When the friendship was over after the “last” D & D…during the next four months that I beat myself up…blaming myself for the loss of a friendship that never really was….
I was “Missing Pretend Guy”
(If your N was a female, feel free to change it to Girl…or “Bi**h” if you are still at that point in recovery…I understand.)

When I discovered there was something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that ‘my friend’ the N, had 18 of the 20 characteristics….(actually he probably had all 20.)  I still foolishly thought that the N could be fixed.
I’ll wait for you to stop laughing.

It took more time and more instances of D & D for me to realized that his personality disorder was woven into the very fabric of his ‘being’.  This ugly ‘quilt’ that was his personality could not be changed.  You couldn’t go to the store and buy a new duvet and tuck the ugly quilt in it…something new to make it pretty…  This disordered individual could not be thrown into the washer with Mountain Fresh Tide and an extra cupful of Downy….there was no way to wash away his abnormal way of interacting with people…
Okay, enough of the bed linens analogy.  Hope it helps you understand.

After months of reading…actually it took closer to a year, for me to be able to wrap my mind around the fact that ‘my friend’ was not what he presented himself to be.  He wasn’t Pretend Guy.  Pretend Guy didn’t exist…he never had.  Coming to terms with that made me feel like I was in some weird Twilight Zone movie marathon, and that Rod Sterling was going to walk out from behind the drapes.  Even knowing all that. it still didn’t stop me from missing Pretend Guy.

Everything that my ‘friend’ the N had portrayed himself to be was false.  Pretend Guy was like an imaginary friend…(but not like the one in Sundays at Tiffany’s.)  The person that I thought was my friend, didn’t exist….but the alien who created the illusion did.  The alien was Real – Actual Guy; he was real ugly & really nasty.

When the N dropped his mask after D & D’s, too numerous to count,  it was truly rare for me to see Pretend Guy.
If I was unfortunate enough to witness a performance of Pretend Guy, his ‘warmth and caring’ was always directed to some other person.  When I would witness this charade, every fiber in my being wanted to scream out…I wanted to shake the receiver of his kindness.  “Don’t you see?  He is not the professional, charming, kind, human being you think he is!  He’s not even human!”  Watching these scenes made me nauseated.

While I was recovering from the loss, not a day went by that I didn’t miss Pretend Guy.  Some days were worse than others.  I would stay busy, but inevitably, a quiet moment of the day would come.  Sometimes the memory would sneak up on me.  Perhaps it was the time of day that was sometimes spent in the company of the N.   Whatever the reason, the pain would come to me fresh and raw.
I learned to accept it; you could almost say that I embraced it.  At least feeling the pain let me know I was still breathing. I was still alive.  Unlike the N, I was human and capable of feeling loss.

I would often talk about him to my close friends like he was dead because well, he was.
I gave myself permission to grieve Pretend Guy.
Give yourself permission too.
I would tell some of the funny stories he had told me…who knows if they were lies or the truth.  I would use some of his phrases when talking to those who knew of his ‘demise’.  For all intensive purposes, it was like having a memorial service for Pretend Guy.
(Just the other day a friend of mine mentioned THE funniest thing I think I ever heard the N say in response to a fellow colleague.  I wish that I could tell you…but like they say, you really had to be there.  Anyway, I laughed so hard I cried, and then we  intermittently giggled from time to time the rest of the day. )

I wish I could present you with an easy step by step guide for getting over the phase of “Missing Pretend Guy”.  I don’t have a book to sell you.  Unfortunately, I don’t think there is an easy fix.
Time really did help.
I won’t say that “Time heals all wounds” because frankly that is the biggest load of BS ever written.  Whoever coined that phrase should be slapped; they never met this Narcissist.

NC = (No Contact) was and still is the BEST thing, EVER.
No Contact is simply that.  No Contact!   No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no notes, no letters, no post-it notes, no memos, no waves, no polite greetings…Nothing.
Pretend Guy can’t answer the phone, email, write or wave.
Real guy could do those things if he was human or cared, but he’s not and he doesn’t.
And no, you can’t have a friend /relative /acquaintance get a message to him.  Don’t play that game.  The N is far better at playing games than you are.  And, you must ask yourself….Do you really want to play his sick games any longer?
Do you want to be the game piece in his never-ending board game of Devalue and Discard?
No, I didn’t think that you did, it is just that we have been on the park merry-go-round for so long, we don’t know how to make the ride stop.

I know for people with children by a Narcissistic partner, NC is difficult, but still necessary, and hopefully communication can be carried out for the most part through your attorney or solicitor.
For those of us where the N was a friend, NC is amazing!  It feels so good to turn the tables and give his behavior back to him.  The victims/targets of the N feel so helpless at times; to be able to direct the “ignoring” behavior back at him (to use a phrase of his) “is simply grand.”

After I had grieved for a time, his name, the stories and his stupid clichés were banned from my office.  We declared it a “N – Free Zone.”  The office has been sanitized for my protection.

I hope that hearing about my experiences has at least given you the comfort in knowing that there is “light at the end of the tunnel.”  Here I am, 3 years later – I survived.  Sure, there are flaws, marks that were not there before; but I’d like to think that they have added character and depth.  (With a little spackle, I can fill them right in.)
Can I look back on those two years we were “friends” and laugh?
No.  I’ll let you know if, and when, that ever happens.

Are you wondering about that envelope that found its way to my mail box?
Don’t worry – I didn’t open it and I didn’t deliver it to him.  I dropped it in the outgoing mail bag.
Just like Karma… IT will find him, eventually.

 Postscript:
The phrase Pretend Guy was one that I found early during my research of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I went back through reams of paper….most of them being yellow highlighted.  The good news is,  I found the article and here is the link.  The author’s name is Alexandra Nouri.  The article I found was called “Missing the Narcissist.” 

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/so-you-re-in-love-with-a-narcissist-by-alexandra-nouri-t993.html

If the link does not work, you can also Google – “Missing The Narcissist.”  You can find Alex’s writings there too.  Sadly, Alex’s web site is not to be found.  But fortunately someone at:
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org  cared enough to save Alex’s posts. 

Alex:
I hope you are well and safe.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world.  I am speaking for ALL of us when I say that we are grateful.
Peace.

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Narcissistic Curtain Calls

So – here you are. 
The usher didn’t help you to your seat, you found it yourself. 
You have your play bill, your cell phone is off, but you are NOT ready for this performance. 
You didn’t purchase tickets to this event; you didn’t even order season passes but once again you have been subjected to another performance of Devalue and Discard by the Narcissist. 

You weren’t in the audience, you were on stage.  You were unknowingly cast in this black comedy.  You didn’t audition; you were hand picked by the Narcissist and you just experienced what you hope is your last D&D.  How many times does this make now?  I know, I lost track myself.  You say to yourself, “I have been abused by the Narcissist for the last time!” 

An experience of Devalue and Discard at the hands of the Narcissist is like riding California Screaming (a roller coaster) but after 2 1/2 minutes the ride isn’t over… the ride operator says, “Let’s go again!”  (Comparing the Narcissist to a roller coaster is not original, but oh so descriptive.)

Right now you are raw with emotions. Your thoughts may not even be clear enough at this point to be glad that the relationship is over.  You may be thinking of ways to “fix” the situation, to “fix” him…you may be ready to go groveling back to him. 

Please don’t do it.  It will only give him more opportunities to devalue you.  You will make it easy for him, requiring little or no energy on his part.  I speak from experience, because I tried it.  
Repeatedly. 
That’s why I will say again, “Don’t do it.”  The sadistic delight you will see on the Narcissist’s face will be evident while you try to make everything right…..because everything about the Narcissist is wrong. 

You may not even know that your friend, boy friend, girl friend…fill in the blank…was an N.  You may think that the abuse you suffered was warranted; that you did something to deserve this.  But trust me, you didn’t.  You didn’t deserve to have the stage curtain dropped on you. 

You may not have a clue what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is…but you will.  Believe me, you will…and when that light bulb goes off in your head, so many things are going to start falling into place.  Soon, when you go on line and start doing research, so many things are going to make sense…as much sense as an emotional disturbed Narcissist can make.   

While a part of you is dying to get the N back in your life, another part of you, perhaps your subconscious, is more grateful than you will ever possibly know that he’s gone.  I called this point of time in my recovery  “Missing Pretend Guy.”  It’s not original.  It’s a phrase and thoughts from an individual named Alexandra Nouri

You have started start to move on, making  connections with others who have been through similar circumstances.  Those connections will be a blessing to you.  Trust me.  You’ve figured out what the N is…and more importantly, what he isn’t…and you have begun the slow healing process. 

You cautiously believe that he is gone from your life for good.  Reaching this point of acceptance has taken a long time.  Some days, you might even feel “normal.”  Then, out of the blue….or more appropriately black….here he comes again…and you are hit with his one two punch of D & D. 

I call this “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.”  Just when you think he’s gone he appears at the side of the stage to take another bow….or give another blow to your fragile self esteem.  “Hoovering” is a similar phrase, but when he’s  “Hoovering” he’s trying to get back into your favor, for a time.   
Don’t worry, his nice behavior won’t last long. 

In case you have been fortunate enough to not have experienced an N at his full rage and power…here’s an example of how he spins his web of deception….personal experience…

The N befriends his target, his victim…usually female.  Sometimes the N has an adequate amount of supply, so he may have many little minor sources of supply….sources that he may choose at some point in time to cultivate into major supply.  Sometimes the N comes on slowly, maybe this is so we will be less suspicious of his true motives.  Maybe he actually learned from previous “relationships” that swooping in on his quarry gets him supply for a much shorter period of time.  Or, gets him nothing at all.  Scaring off his victims before they are under his ‘spell’ means more work for the N.  And, if there’s one thing that tires out the N, it’s having to cultivate fresh, new Narcissistic Supply.  He has to be on his best behavior, keeping his mask securely fastened…”Ho-Hum” this wears him out. 

I don’t know if anyone has ever figured out why the N starts cultivating his ‘minor’ supply into a major, perhaps his main source of supply.  I know in my case, the N had suffered the blow of losing, granted temporarily, his main source of narcissistic supply and comfort…I was in the wrong place at the right time.  Or – perhaps that should be worded…I was in the wrong place at the wrong time…..

We know that generally speaking, it is the N who does the abandoning, not the supply/victim.  The N must be careful in the beginning of the ‘relationship’ to have you reeled in before begining the D&D.  In the beginning the N will make you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread…with or without the peanut butter. 

I would hate to see/or to have experienced what would have happened if I had been the one to abandon the Narcissist. 

The N idealizes his victim…for a while.  He brings out the best in his target.  He mirrors our good qualities back to us…I think the reason we think he is so fabulous…is because he is mirroring us!  We are seeing ourselves…Hey, what’s not to like?  The qualities we are seeing displayed…are us!  These character traits are sadly lacking in the N.  

We thrive for a time on his adulation.  What human being doesn’t want to be valued, treasured, recognized for doing a great job?  It is easy to be enticed by all the praise….what’s not to like about compliments?   And well, gosh darn it…we think to ourselves “you know, I really am quite a remarkable human being….” 

I admit to my fragility.  I wonder…..What was it about me, at that moment in time that drew the Narcissist to me?  Why did he target me?  What was it that made me so very vulnerable to his friendship? 
How can I be sure to never do it again? 

He is effusively complimentary of us at times.  He may have started to compliment and degrade us in the same sentence.  These underhanded verbal jabs can leave us confused…as confusing as the gaslighting. 

As time goes on, the compliments are less frequent.  The verbal put downs, the sarcastic comments and simply the body language, make us feel that we have done something horribly wrong to fall from grace in the eyes of The N. 

I’d like to know why we I valued the opinion of the N?… Why did I care about falling from grace in the eyes of one so evil?….Why did I care so much that I tormented myself into to thinking that it was me and not him?  Falling from the “grace” of the Narcissist was THE BEST thing that could have happened to ME!

The abuse continues.  As is the N’s protocol, he might throw his target a ‘bone.”  He might give us a ‘moment of value’ and maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of “Pretend Guy” (thanks again Angel Fire).  He is now constantly devaluing his victim….

…..as was my experience, this went on as long as it amused him.  It was sadistic… he devalued me time after time.  When I had been drained dry…it was time for the final Discard. 

Discard…..that word reminds me of playing a card game with friends…a pleasant evening, and you have an opportunity to discard.  Perhaps without even much thought, you throw those cards you no longer want into the pile…..the ones that don’t give you a ‘good hand’….without another thought. 

After the Discard comes the feelings of being worthless, when it is the N who is worthless.  We are weak and fragile, but we will call upon an inner strength that we didn’t know we had.  The N is a weak and fragile toddler, with no ability to grow any further. 

It is while you are feeling these things…weak, fragile, confused…that the ‘curtain calls’ start.  At least they did for me. 
Here you are trying to pull yourself together.  You are trying to fix the broken pieces of your self esteem and your life; when he returns to the stage.  

You think, maybe things will be okay…  Maybe he will let me apologize, maybe he will tell me what it was that I did wrong.  Once again-assuming all the blame…he adores that, since he is better than everyone and anything else.  We are mistaken, he isn’t  back for reconciliation, he’s back to twist the knife again. 

 The phrase Curtain Calls seems to be very appropriate for the Narcissist….with their flair for the dramatic, their mask and costuming…a wolf in sheep’s clothing…their repeated appearances in your life…I thought it was something I came up with on my own until I read a post by Dr. Sam Vankin…..

“But the narcissist is slow to abandon its victims. It is there, lurking, rendering existence unreal, twisting and distorting with no respite, an inner, remorseless voice, lacking in compassion and empathy for its victim. The narcissist is there in spirit long after it has vanished in the flesh. This is the real danger that the victims of the narcissist face: that they become like him, bitter, self-centred, lacking in empathy. This is the last bow of the narcissist, his curtain call, by proxy as it were.”

Fortunately for me and those around me, I did not become like the Narcissist.  I think his “curtain calls” would have continued, except I stopped attending his performances….when he left the stage…while he waited in the wings…waiting for the applause…the standing ovation….that never came…waiting for a narcissistic encore…
I left the theatre.

The house is dark….the Broadway tour is over….
I fervently hope there will not be a revival.

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A gift that won’t be returned…..

    

     For those of my fans…..I think there are two of you….who have been following the saga of the heritage albums that were being created as Christmas gifts for my in-laws….our tale continues…

     When we last heard from our heroine, it was the 11th hour and the albums were still not finished.  On the 23rd, I was up until 2 am and the same for Christmas Eve, or should I say Christmas Day?  They were finally complete at 10 am Christmas morning.  Once again I said to my husband as I wrapped his family’s gifts….”Do you really think they will like them?”  “Yes dear, I think they will love them!” 

     Later Christmas Day, after dinner was eaten, tables were cleared, left overs were divvied up…it was time for exchanging gifts. Perhaps it was the turkey/ham/tamale high that led to the assorted “oooh’s and ahhh’s” as each gift was opened.  This year, someone had the grand idea to switch the tradition from going from youngest to oldest, leaving Sam to wait, surprisingly patiently, for his turn to open his gifts.

     When all the gifts were opened, some of us were contemplating tackling the dirty dishes before Round Two….dessert….I said, “Oops! I forgot two gifts.”  I brought out two huge, brightly wrapped boxes and placed them in front of their recipients.  I also grabbed the tissue box from the kitchen.

     Before long, the tears were falling and the “ooh’s” were quite sincere. When I was asked how I found this invitation or that photo, I just smiled.  “It’s a secret,”  I said.  They had a different answer…”You’re awesome!  This is the best gift I have ever received!”

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Emotional Vampirism

The hot genre right now in young adult literature is ‘Vampire Romance.’  Unless you have been living on a deserted island for the past three years, I’m not sure how you could not have heard of the books Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.  Written by Stephenie Meyers, Twilight is about a teenage girl named Bella Swan who falls in love with a “17 year old” boy (still after 100 years) named Edward Cullen, who just so happens to be a vampire.  For me, it’s just a typical day at work.

This happens to be “Twilight Week” and I dare say that tens of thousands of teenage girls (and boys) are getting ready for the release of the new film adaptation of Meyer’s first book, opening on Friday, November 21st.  The premiere, Monday night in Westwood, CA…was one hot ticket.  The book, Twilight was released in the Fall of 2005, and teenage readers (and adults) have been crazy about it ever since.  Yes, I am going to see the movie….it’s sort of expected.

A more adult Vampire Romance series is written by Lyndsay Sands.  It begins with A Quick Bite and ends with (currently) Vampire Interrupted.  (I hope she will write more.)  These books are funny, sexy, and sarcastic.  While Meyer’s characters (spoiler) wait until their wedding night to consummate their love, Sand’s characters give into their desires with fervor and frequency….it gets quite steamy.  These books are delightfully witty and addictive.  I would LOVE to see these books turned into movies.

The genre of Vampire Romance is not new.  In 1976, Anne Rice’s books became hugely popular with the Vampire Chronicles beginning with An Interview With a Vampire.  At some high schools, there two factions of kids, those that love Anne Rice and those that love Stephenie Meyer…a type of “Rice vs Meyer” debate.

Some students have sided with their favorite main (male) character in the Twilight saga…there are hot debates between “Team Edward” & “Team Jacob” as well as T-shirts that boldly proclaim their allegiance.  (For those not in the know, Jacob is the underdog, literally…werewolf from the Indian reservation of La Push, WA.)  Whatever side they are on is not important, just as long as the students are reading.

The author Charlaine Harris’ books have prompted the HBO series True Blood.  I will freely admit that I am hooked on True Blood.   I have not read the books yet, but the first three are on hold for me at my favorite book store.  (Warning: On the TV series, the “F-bomb” is dropped, frequently.)  The actor who portrays “Bill” has got to be the most handsome vampire I’ve seen.  Sorry Rob, but my first born is a year older than you.)

But really, this post is not about vampire romance novels.  It’s about a trait of the Narcissist.  I finally understood (Emotional, my word) Vampirism after I read Marie-France Hirigoyen’s book, Stalking The Soul- Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Idenity.  This book is a validation for anyone who has been abused by a narcissist.  Last year a friend found this book and recommended it to me.  She read parts of it over the phone to me until my copy came.  That’s a true friend.  This is the first book I’ve read re: abuse and Narcissism, where the author did not blame me, the victim, for the situation I found myself enmeshed in.  This book was an epiphany to me.  Advice when reading?  Keep that yellow highlighter handy.

Up until this point in my recovery, I had not read about Vampirism as it could apply to the Narcissist.  Webster’s Dictionary defines Vampirism this way: Vampirism: n. 3. the act or practice of preying ruthlessly on other people.  Preying on others, seeking them out, ruthlessly…without pity or compassion…that would be the N.  While N does not bare his fangs to suck the blood out of his victims, he does suck the life, the joy, the motivation, the personality….from them.

The following are quotes from Stalking The Soul specifically the section on Vampirism.  There is so much good material I wanted to share, I had a hard time knowing where to stop.  The book is so good; You will have to order it from Amazon yourself.  The author’s words are concise and accurate, I found myself often saying, out loud…Are you talking about the N I knew?

The partner doesn’t exist as a person but as a prop for a quality the abuser wishes to appropriate…

Abusive Narcissists intensely envy those who seem to posses what they do not or those who simply enjoy life…..They attack the others self esteem and self confidence in order to increase their own self worth…they appropriate the others self worth…

They try to destroy the happiness around them…they undermine simple relationships because of cynicism and their incapacity to love…They impose on others their dark vision of the world and their chronic dissatisfaction with life…

Their critical sense is highly developed, so they spend lot of time criticizing everyone and everything; this allows them to remain all-powerful; “If others are worthless, that means I must be better than they are.”

They dampen the enthusiasm of the people around them, seeking foremost to show that the world and its inhabitants are evil and that their partner is also bad…One sees in abusers wild infatuations followed by brutal and irreparable rejection….

People around them don’t understand how someone can fall from grace in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason……!!! 

Validation!  Thank you, I’ve never understood the fall from grace either. 

      How are these individuals so alike in their dysfunction?  After reading posts from so many women, (statistics show that more men are narcissists than women) I’ve entertained the thought that they ALL must have graduated from the same Alma mater…but they certainly could not have been in the same dorm….there wouldn’t have been enough mirrors to go around.  I am only able to joke about the N now because I am away from him.  Everything about him was poisonous.

At the end of this so-called friendship my self esteem was slowing ebbing away.  I was only capable of mirroring the shell of the human being I had become.  Like Dracula’s bride, would I have become a Vampire like him on the third bite?  Would Van Helsing have had to ‘stake’ me?  The Narcissist continued the various types of abuse that he inflicted upon me on a daily basis.  Some days he might throw me a bone, with a kind word, or sometimes I got a glimpse of the man (Pretend guy) that was my friend. (idolized).  But that was soon gone, as he sucked the last drops of humanity from me.  The strange thing is, when I look back on those years, the photos I see of my self, I look normal…but I was far from it.

I finally figured out that the N wanted the beautiful qualities (human) that he saw in me.  He set out to appropriate all things positive.  Slowly, over the course of many months, he drained me of the very things that made me, me.  The good news is that I have slowly gotten my identity back; but I will never be the warm, trusting, kind soul that I once was.  Maybe that is for the best.  I think it would have been simpler if the N had been wearing a T-shirt that said “Beware – EVIL.”  Perhaps he was, maybe he had it on under his “sheep’s clothing.”

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FAQ’s: Do Narcissists Really Forget You?

    

Do Narcissists really forget you? 

Sadly. 
Yes. 

     If the narcissist was in the same room with me, there would not be a flicker of recognition on his face….he has the “dead to me” concept down to an art form. 

     Six months ago, we were in the same room…less than 12 inches away from each other…breathing the same cubic square foot of oxygen…and there was not one iota of acknowledgement on his part that I even existed.  It boggles my mind that people like him even exist on our planet. 

     It was just a further reminder that he is an alien life form. 

     I have a wealth of compassion for women who were deceived by men like this and then married; thinking that “Happily Ever After” lay ahead of them.  Instead it was nothing but grief & torment.

(Photo…Forget me nots…National Geographic)

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That’s Funny…..

     After suffering from migraines for several months now, I finally went to see my chiropractor.  As he moved me from massage chair to ultra sound for deep muscle relaxation, to the “crack me” table, (as I call it.)  He announced that my muscles were inflamed and I was poorly out of alignment.  My legs were/ are not even the same length.  He asked me in his Southern drawl….”So young lady….what are you angry about?”  I thought for a moment.  “That’s funny,” I said…”I didn’t know I was angry…I thought I had blogged it all out….guess I need to write another article about the Narcissist.” 

     So – NPD fans and fellow victims get ready.  There’s another piece of the puzzle coming.

                                                                              

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Best If Used By…..

My friend Jan had the following line in one of her posts…..”thing with an expiration date.”  I didn’t really notice it the first time I read through.  When I re-read it over the weekend, it really struck me.  That is so very true.  My friendship with the N had an expiration date before the relationship had even started. 

It was several months after the “frie…N…dship” was over that I realized that I had only been a ‘thing’ to the N.  As in a previous post, I made the analogy that I was merely a “pink plastic spoon.”  That realization was one of the most painful moments that I have ever had.  Someone that I shared thoughts with, trusted as a confidante, listened to his problems, the kinds of things that a good friend does…to the N, I was just a thing. 

Had I known that my “Best if Used by Date” was fast approaching,  I could have made my escape from his “refrigerator of devalue and discard” before I was used up and left to become moldy leftover in the vegetable drawer!

You can read Jan’s complete post – “Close Encounter With A Narcissist Part 3”  @ www.planetjan.wordpress.com

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