Sometimes I get my ideas for a post by using the search engine terms. One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging. She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…” I call these my FAQ’s – Frequently Asked Questions.
How long will it take the guy (the narcissist) to miss you if there’s no contact?
People people, work with me here!!
The point of No Contact is not to make the narcissist crazy with longing for you – remember he’s crazy to begin with!
This isn’t some sort of game we’re playing. The purpose of No Contact is to give you, the victim relief, space, a time to heal, because you need to get as far away from the narcissist as possible. To be fair, there are females who are narcissists, substitute the appropriate pronoun.
No Contact gives you your sanity back. Give No Contact some time and the “N Fog” will clear. You will wonder why you stayed in a “relationship” with him as long as you did. You’ve been severely abused by a narcissist. In my humble opinion, all n’s are psychopaths – they may not live with their mother (her dead body in a room upstairs) run a hotel and come into guest’s rooms with a butcher knife – but they are still, psychos! Do you get it? I think many of us are lucky to be alive. No exaggeration.
Why in the name of all that is holy, do you want this gutter snipe to miss you! He is not what you thought he was, he is false. Nothing that he presented to you was true, all those lovely qualities that so entranced you in the beginning – those were all the attributes that he absorbed from worthwhile human beings and he isn’t one of them! Human or lovely. Some of those qualities that you saw in him that you thought were so special? They were – no doubt your own qualities that he was mirroring back to you.
If you were the one to leave the N –
and in doing so thought that it would give him something to think about — that it would make him wake up and change his behavior to come groveling back to you – Think again!
He woke up all right – looked and saw that his eager, willing, worthless, doting floor mat was gone. He probably said, “Damn, now I have to go and cultivate new supply – Eh, I was too good for her anyway…”
If the N discarded you – (how many times does this make?) his reaction was the same.
Try to grasp this concept, however sick and twisted – The. Narcissist. Doesn’t. Care. He/She – Does. NOT. Miss. You!
How long will it take the Narcissist to miss ?
The narcisssist is NEVER going to miss you!
Maybe this will help: On the radio a couple of days ago I heard an interview with a psychotherapist talking about a few psychopaths who have been in the news lately. He gave a little explanation of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then the interviewer asked if this was something that could be cured. The doctor sighed and said, “Yes, probably…with anti-depressants, and some intense therapy for about 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, over a period of, maybe, 10 years.”
I had to laugh. Who has the time to stick around for that? Not I. Nor should you, gentle readers.
Hermite: Thank you for your comment – I once heard a similar response from a dr. Getting an N to commit to that?
ES
Maybe an N would commit to four hours of therapy every day if it was all about him or her! At the end of a decade, they still wouldn’t think it was themselves who had a problem.
Before I knew what an N was, I did think that if I stayed away, the N friend would miss me. We’d had such a close friendship for a while, although she called all of the shots. She became obnoxious and more and more selfish, so I finally got the message and moved on. Yet for some reason I still wanted to matter to that friend. But all she missed was the attention, not the person (me) giving it. My attention was so devalued by the time this friend sought me out that there was no time for me to “enjoy” being missed because she drifted away again. But I felt happily released!
Catherine: I now miss the N like I would miss hives……
ES
Great post! I do believe with the DSM V that N’s will be over in the corner with sociopaths and psychopaths. It’s all a lose-lose game with them because they’re – losers! It’s very hard to look back the realize what happened was all a sham. But the sooner you do, the sooner you can move on. It is only natural to want someone to miss you. That’s why I have dogs. They are excited to see me every day because they genuinely care for me. There’s no playing games with them (aside from fetch!).
I know what you mean, although I have cats and they do greet me when I get home – they tap their little paws to say “Where have you been?”
ES
Absolutely so true, OMG, I seriously thought it was all me for 13 years!!
Here’s proof that great moral influence and self empowerment 24 hours a day 7 days a week for 13 years does not work!! He’s now worse then he was when I met him!! I’ve been gone for 9 months…..
I knew it was wrong 3 months into it but was trapped due to pregnancy.
In fact right from the start I felt like Rapunzal, issolated, cut off from my family & friends, for the longest time I didn’t know it was him doing this, but now I absolutely do!! I was made to believe the whole world was us & them, nothing for us but his family & however many babies I would want to have, that would be my only family & friends.
My old friends that he chased away have now come back, & I’ve reconnected with my family.
I worked so hard for many years to cover up his 6 years old types of irrational behaviours & tantrums, so hard that I actually left him 12 months after I hit the wall in a full blown nervous breakdown, (I was 33 years old! That is so wrong!!) My family couldn’t believe it! They thought I was making it all up!
He never hit me, however at the end tried to rape me & would also start huge arguements too, trying to get me to hit him.
He tried to fight me to, in order to make me react in such ways and in front of the children that he could lock me up in a psych hospital!!
He made up stories about me using drugs and being involved with gangs to make my children hate me.
He kept my children from seeing me, broke thousands of promises to all of us, all the time. Compulsive liar like his Dad too, blames everyone else for everything.
I used to pray he would hit me so that in my own thoughts, & maybe societies also, it would be quite acceptable for me to leave him. He didn’t. I swear to God, I’ve seen that man’s eyes go from hazel to black, in less then a minute and then stay like that for hours while he was screaming, swearing and spitting into my face.
None of this was his fault, ever.
I have seen Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde many tmes, sometimes within a minute of each other. I have never ever been so scared of another person in my life as I was with him, of course this was towards the end when he was trying to make me stay.
I still knew what was real & what was not as I had a managing job a very public forum having contact with people everyday.
I found I had two be two different people, natural, happy social, the person who brightened others days – the everyone loves me, me and then when I drove down the driveway after work I felt that I had to cower & pull an invisible sheet of darkness over me.
My last few days before I moved out I was in such a dreadful disconnected headspace that I found myself ratting through pills wanting to take everything I could get my hands on, I snapped out of it when I realised that if I did anything like this it would be my 3 amazing children who would find me & miss out on having some normal influence in their lives.
Less than 8 weeks after I moved the few things I was allowed to take with me, he moved a new partner in, she’s not very nice either. He has a sweet sugar face & the most fasinatinating stories too tell, mostly about how he’s been done wrong, poor baby…..
I am a passivist, a lover not a fighter but seeing as I was in such a horrible mess when I staggered away I had to leave my children there for a little while, remember I had very limited family contact at the time, I had too get myself straightened out before I could come back for them, now we are in a custody war, I hate this man, I will not forget nor forgive all that he has done too me.
At least I got out & am still here to tell my story. I still suffer from post traumatic stress disorder please forgive me if my story trails off in funny directions, this is very taxing to tell.
All my love & God bless too the other survivors & people who have helped you, may we pray for those people who were as trapped & blindfolded as we were. We have the strength to go on my Sweet Angel friends, Helie xoxoxo
Helie: I don’t think that anyone would have blamed you for leaving the abuser –
I hope that you win your custody battle – your children deserve to live with a normal parent. The good thing is that N’s don’t want to share the spotlight with their children – Please let us all know how it goes.
You have lived thru a terrible thing – take care of yourself and do some things just for you,
ES
Dear Helie, it is great to see someone like you to get out from an abusive and loveless relationship with someone who has NPD. I am also sorry to read that you have suffered so much but you show that it is better to leave than keep staying on when he refuses to change for himself. I hope all will get better for you and the children. Stay strong, okay? Things will get better and you deserve your happiness more than ever. Remember that living well and happily with the people who love you is the best revenge ever which that NPD person would never realise what he is missing.
I feel like I was just reading my story, the only difference was I was driving up the driveway and not down. You posted this awhile ago – I hope things have only become better for you.
Dear Jaymie:
Yes, things are definitely better than when I posted this article.
I hope that your story continues to improve as well.
All the Best –
ES
Oh, but the Narcissist WILL miss you if you´re presentable, wealthy, socially interesting or otherwise valuable goods. Especially if you dumped him/her. He/she WILL return, even if it´s just to be the one dumping you, LOL. They´re like children, they want to decide the fate of their dolls and can´t accept you having taken the initiative. Weaklings.
Chris: After being abused, devalued, used a door mat…etc One is used up, exhuasted & with zero self esteem – chances are one is far from being presentable or interesting. The N makes his supply feel like INvaluable goods.
ES
Great posts…
Chris, you are ABSOLUTELY right. They are like children and DO want to decide their own fate.
It’s quite odd…but I was involved with a narcissist for 3 years. I believe my father is a narcissist and I always used to excuse his behaviour…saying that he just had a very similar personality as my father’s. In fact, they were born on the same day…I’m adaptable. I can handle it…or so I thought…
I always thought something was wrong…he was too busy at work…stressed about his family…okay I was giving him stress by traveling too much for work…excuse after excuse…
On May 3rd, I left to take a trip to the Bahamas with my mother. The night before we got into a huge fight and that was it. I was so prepared to leave him. I was done. I got on that plane and I thought to myself, “This is great…I’ll relax over there and when I get back, I will never have to deal with that insecure loser again.”…Turns out, he was done too…until my 5th day in the Bahamas…
He begged me…was emailing me, messaging me on my Blackberry, begging me to forgive his shortcomings. I actually felt sorry for him. He even called me leaving me a message while I was in the Bahamas, crying…begging me to pick up the phone.
Sure enough-being the love of my life (or so I thought) when I got back, I agreed to see him. We had dinner, slept together…
The next morning, he sent me an email saying he didn’t want to see me again and that I don’t deserve him. I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve emailed, phoned, texted…the works…and there has just been silence on his end. Friggin bastard just wanted to make sure HE was the one who ended things. Not me. He couldn’t allow me to have that. NOBODY could dump HIM…never…
I understand the original posting. “How long until the Narc misses me?”. I want him to miss me. I want him to contact me…so that I can play him the way he did me, and then dump HIM the next day. Is that being a narc myself? Probably. But how dare him…how dare him…
Teresa: No, I don’t think you’re a narcissist because you want to be the one to do the dumping. What he did is SO very much N-behavior – but then you already knew that. If there was a textbook with outlines of N protocol – this would be the description of how they must be the one to do the leaving. I’m sorry that you had to experience that – even if you had said “No” to his attempts at reconcliation – he would have pursued you until you relented and then he would have dumped you.
There’s no winning with an N.
ES
Be happy he is OUT of your life. If mine left ME, I’d be ecstatic. 22 years of this.
Is there anything that you can do to facilitate his leaving?
ES
They always have to win everything.
Chris is right! There are many Narcissists who, although they don’t love the person, want that person to remain in their life because of the attention they receive due to that person. So, they’re not only getting supply from that partner, they are also getting supply from all of their partner’s admirer’s too. This, I notice, happens when both the female and male in the relationship are Narcissistic. I know of two couples that fit that description.
When both partners are Narcissists, that bond is harder to break; they both want to “win” and get the last “hit” on each other…yet they still both want that supply from one another. They will break up and “make up” for years…not wanting to lose the control they have with one another. These types of a relationships are the biggest shams and are solely based on a facade; they care too much about what people will think of them so they “act” all happy, when they are truly not…this is all for the game. It’s their game in life, getting the last play and “winning” (miserably).
NC: Interesting observation.
ES
Every word you said describes me and my husband! Thank you for validating my feelings! We need each other to show off in public how “good” of a marriage we have and how hot we are as a couple and individually; but we are at each other’s throat for every penny we spend, we constantly argue about household chores, we “date” other people in each other’s face, we keep our money separately (God forbid we rip each other off), we severely abuse each other psychologically and verbally, but I need him to make other women envious and he needs me to make other men envious. And we constantly “break up” to get even with each other, and then lure the other back in to break up on our terms. However, when we don’t fight or don’t discuss money, we get along really well.
Hmmm- well – I’ve got nothin’. I’ve only had a small number of narcissists comment on my blog.
ES
As an adult child of a narcissistic mother, I had to set firm boundaries of asking her to discontinue speaking so poorly of my deceased father. She had literally railed at him for seven years over an incident when he raised his voice at her while on strong medication; he had experienced a heart attack and nearly died. Throughout the years she would sporadically yell, “If you EVER do that again I will put you in a nursing home!” After he passed away she began describing him as “abusive” throughout her 3 to 4 daily calls. I explained that I would take her calls to provide support (while I was working), but found it upsetting that she always dishonored my father. She became angry and began including the “abusive” remark more.
One day mom called to make a demand of my time that I could not meet. I had purchased her a plane ticket and she needed something changed; the airlines ‘did’ have a time frame for changes to be made and I was aware of them. Regardless, I had a state contract with court deadlines and had been deluged with work to expedite within 48 hours. I explained the deadline, my stress, and that I would contact the airlines immediately once my deadline was met. She argued until I told her I had no time to give her that day. She, as always, became quite angry and I just hung up the phone. I had hoped this would give her a wake-up call, but she went into a rage and began calling my phones non-stop. Since I was trying to work I didn’t answer and/or was on the other line. I had to maintain call waiting for my business, so it was difficult to work. I noticed the airlines was calling me while I was on a business call. They left a message indicating that my mother was upset, needed my help, and that she was unable to contact me! Once my work deadline was met then I handled the airlines for mom and notified her. I reiterated that she made my work quite difficult and that it was unnecessary. I asked her if she was calling my siblings like this or just felt it fine with her since I worked from home? Her only response was, “I didn’t think you’d fall for the call from the airlines.” I told her the behavior was childish, controlling and suffocating.
That was over 3 1/2 years ago. She told the family that I said I never wanted to speak to her or them again. She has spread gossip about some of my childhood friends and then tagged my name on it. I am the monster now and she is the victim. All of my family includes her and I am the ungrateful daughter who hurt the widow. I lost everyone and she gets a lot of sympathy from her church members. I once tried to tell her over the phone that I did not say I would never speak to her again. I reminded her that I said it is difficult to resolve something when the other party is always right and then claims to have no memory (hence no culpability) to their own behavior. She interrupted me and said, “No, you said it.” That was the last time we spoke.
Ironically, I had flashbacks of things she said and did to me during my childhood and early adulthood. I am aware that other family members have found her difficult, but dad didn’t like anyone to have conflict. We were good little soldiers and that’s how I view those around her now. Someone always has to be a target. My mother is in her 80’s and recently told one of my daughters, “Isn’t it ironic that your mother was my planned child?” I suppose this is her way of wishing I was never born, I’m not certain, but what does it matter?
How does she resolve being a Christian and lying as she does? She knows what she’s done and possibly now believes her lies. However, I think she finds a way to justify herself. As for how she resolves this with God, now that would be interesting. I have not retaliated and just allow her to ruin my name and reputation while rejoicing that I am in another state. She has made sure I have no relationships and it seems it worked. I don’t think you get over this, however you learn to move on and not dwell on it. I wonder about how to handle a funeral when she dies. I would not be treated well by family. I can imagine sitting with other people and then hearing the preacher make a remark how one daughter broke her heart…………..she will have the last word.
Susan: I am so sorry to hear of how your mother has treated you. Perhaps it is a blessing that you are not in the same state. I hope that your children are wise to her ways – not getting sucked into the chaos.
ES
Susan wrote about the chaos her N mother injected in her life. Chaos is key to an N’s existence. I’m amazed at the length of time some of you have managed to spend with N people! I was extremely lucky to have only spent 3 months with one and I see now how truly fortunate I was.
In doing my research, I’ve realized that there have been other N people in my life. Something I’ve noticed while comparing notes on these people is that they also exhibit some crossover traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. One of those traits is injecting chaos into the life of one of their mirrors if they see that mirror as having or wanting any kind of peace.
Chaos comes in many forms. I look around me right now and see the chaos I allowed my N to inject. I’m not a messy or sloppy person by nature, but I allowed myself to become so depressed in this “relationship” that my home now looks like a nuclear warhead loaded with my possessions plowed through it. Nothing is put away, there are piles of stuff everywhere, there is no indication that an individual with emotional health lives in my home right now. And that would be a true indication. I used to have emotional health. I was balanced and while I’m not a neat freak, I would pick up/clean up a couple times a week. I haven’t done it for 3 months. I’ve done surface cleaning and if something was in my way, I’d move it, but what I’m seeing right now, as I write this, is the chaos of emotional paralysis.
I’m on antidepressants to help with it, and I’m sure I’ll be able to tackle this with some form of efficiency in a couple of weeks. Right now, though? I’m simply attempting to heal myself by writing it out. It’s about all I can do.
Chaos. What a great word for what an N provides us. Yes, they DO give us something. They give us chaos, instability, and destruction. How utterly kind of them.
Narcissists often have crossover personality traits.
Borderline, Hystronic, Psychotic, Obsessive Compulsive disorder just to name a few
Inform yourself so that next time you will avoid disordered individuals.
ES
I was with a narcissist for 4 months. I can’t really call it a relationship.. because he never committed himself to me.. he used to say we will see how things work out.. he knew I liked him.. and was clearly leading me on.. he cut me off from all my friends.. used to freak out if I spoke to any guy…and on the other hand he used to flirt with 5-7 girls at the same time.. used to keep a check on my call logs and msgs.. but never even let me touch his phone!! The 1st 2 months with him was like a dream come true.. I had found my Mr. Perfect.. he used to call me all the time and wanted to meet me almost everyday…and then one day we got a little intimate…and after that day things suddenly changed…he stopped taking my calls…only when he felt like it would he call…the next 2 months were hell…I almost cried every single day!!
He is self obsessed. He thinks he is the best looking man alive, even better than most of the actors… which sadly he is…and on top of that he is extremely wealthy! Even though I am no less…he started treating me like shit 😦 and now I heard he is roaming around with some other girl. I feel helpless.
I know I am better off without him but when he calls me I still feel like speaking to him.. even though I know he will never keep me happy .. 😦
Dear Iyoti: The only thing that you will accomplish in continueing to speak to the N when he calls will be to prolong your recovery and prolong your agony…I really don’t think that you want to do that. Do you?
ES
Dear ES,
No I really don’t want that. I want a happier life for myself cuz I truly deserve it.
I am trying my best to move on and keep myself occupied.
But I can’t really help wondering at times.. if he really was a N !!
When I read blogs and posts about N. I can relate to almost everything and can feel other people’s pain. but then I wonder. If I am just calling him an N for my own satisfaction, cuz maybe it didnt work out between us because of me.
Even though I did everything possible I could.
I have stopped speaking to him completely.. rather.. he has stopped speaking to me..
and memories about how good we were and how perfect everything seemed in the first two months drive me crazy !!
I feel extremely depressed at times.. sleeping is the only way I can stop thinking about him.. and so I have been sleeping too much since 1-2 months .. 😦
jyoti
Dear Iyoti: It sounds to me like you are going through the stages of grief after the abuse from an N. The wondering if he really was an N, second guessing your self, blaming yourself for the end of the relationship, thinking you could have done more, the depression – the sleeping. I’ve been there and I think you are right on track.
Take care of yourself, do things for youself that you used to enjoy doing. You need to go out and walk, take a neighbor’s dog for a walk if you need company. Dogs don’t talk and he/she will be so excited to walk with you, plus they are good listeners if it turns out that you do want to talk. Take deep breaths – in and out.
I don’t know how long you’ve been NC, but give it time –
The memories of the first 2 months are hard – that’s when he was idolizing you. Sometimes that stage lasts longer – but believe it or not the longer it lasts the worse it is when the whole thing ends.
You’re going to be okay – it’s just going to take some time – Really -it’s going to be okay. 🙂
ES
Jyoti, I can relate to your story.
Your’e going to be okay my dear. Time heals all wounds. Please don’t go back to him, it only gets harder to break away. I’m in almost the same boat right now. Remember praying does help. God bless you.
Vanessa:
Thank you for your caring thoughts to my other reader.
ES
Same happened to me my boyfriend of 2 months started outta the blue became a jerk many ppl told me to breakup with him cause he’s an asshole. He threw is tantrums like a 3 year old ppl at work yelled at him for being disrespectful getting in fights wit customers or other ppl, he thinks he’s the boss but we knows he’s weak. He got jealous of me talking to guys and my friends he would get pissed at me for talking to anyone, he recent yelled at me for nothing a quiet and shy girl so he gets extremely angry yelling cussing at lunch. We had our 1st fight he called me an immature B****** for talking to guys when he talks to girls and I don’t care if he’s but he makes it a huge deal. He takes everything so serious like me being quiet and shy I’ve always been quiet/shy it runs in my family, recent I gave him the silent treatment the stoned wall cause he was getting annoying n pissing me off for calling me the words from above that offened me I will probably breakup wit him sooner had to let this out.
I have been narcissized. I met my handsome, charming, and well off N back in March 2011. One month of total bliss and Three months of verbal abuse was enough to last me a lifetime. I went to the beach about 3 weeks ago without him and he went off on me. He was upset because, first, I didn’t tell him I was off work that day, and second I went to the beach without him. (What the Hell). He called me so many different kinds of stupid that day, I started laughing at him. He hung up in my face, only to call back 15 times because I refused to answer. He had plans to go out of town that weekend, so I assumed he was picking a fight to justify his leaving town with the new supply. I decided right than and there that I was finished with his crazy ass. Well, he showed up at my house that evening pissed off. He asked me to make love first and I said no, then he got even madder and said give me some p—y. Now that was really funny to me and after laughing at his ass, he got up and left. I blocked him from calling me. (NO CONTACT) I didn’t hear from him until that monday after his trip. He showed up at my house again, acting as if his feeling were hurt because I had blocked his calls and he was very very sorry about his outburst. After blaming me for everything that was wrong in our relationship eventually, I let him know that I was done with the relationship. This was the first time I actually saw him as being a mental case. I remained very very calm because he was yelling and telling me how wrong I was. I remained firm with my decision and asked him to leave and to never come back to my house. So far, so good. NO CONTACT really does work. I know I was deceived and I have had to take a look at myself. How could I have fallen for an emotional vampire. The best thing about this situation is I’m out and i’m stayin’ out.
Lanesia: I am so glad you found the blog and that you’ve been able to go NC. I think to be able to laugh at the N while he rages and spouts off is a gift. I wish that I could laugh in the N’s face – no wait – that would mean I would have to see him again – nevermind. I’ll live vicariously through you!
Thanks for commenting
ES
Respect how you handled this!
Lanesia’s reaction and story ought to be framed and gold plated. We ALL should laugh and pity the N’s that believe they have the upper hand and are absolutely entitled.
Too bad there isn’t an island somewhere where we can ship all the N’s to. The world would be full of happier, healthier people.
Thank you so much for this article and the shared experiences. It’s helping immensely as I go through my first week of NC, knowing there are others who have gone through this. I was only “with” my N for about two (admittedly wonderful) weeks and didn’t sleep with him, thank goodness. The similarities are uncanny! After what I thought was a fairly deep emotional conversation one night, he abruptly cancelled our plans for the next day without apology or explanation. Confused, I googled ‘narcissist’ having been only vaguely familiar with the term – and recalling him insisting that his ex-wife was one. Wow – it was him to a t! I immediately called it off, not unmasking him at all, just saying something didn’t feel right to me. After a day of silence (typical), he has been texting for two days asking to see me and wondering “what happened.” (Um, you blew me off! You can’t have it both ways.) I have held firm and ignored him knowing he doesn’t want ME, just the qualities I bring that enhance his image. (That or he wants his chance at dumping me.) Hurts a bit to have been deceived but I’m so thankful I was able to figure it out early with the help of online resources such as this one. Stay strong, everyone!
Grateful:
Thank you for commenting and I am grateful that my blog is a help to you.
Enjoy the NC – Hang on and don’t accept any contact with the N.
ES
This was awesome! I think when you’ve gone through what we all have gone through, there’s still this emptiness, which does take so much time to heal from.
Clearly, we were all in a position to attract these monsters. I personally take responsibility for my neediness when I met my stealth N. He saw me coming. I was his prey and then became a VICTIM. Take the time to look up the defition of a victim. Decide if that describes how you see yourself. If so, and you remain where you are, you are a VOLUNTEER. Get it?
This is what helped me.Look up the word PREDATOR. Thats what you fell in love with and/or thats what you married. How nauseating is that?
Ns are Predators ..thieves and liars. They care NOTHING about you. When you decide to no longer be their mirror, you’re done; whether you’re in a commited relationship or not. And remember, you may still have the TRUST instinct. Do not trust this N once you begin to catch on to them because you’ll wind up broke or with an STD. Once you no longer feed their N supply, they will do everything they can to ruin and break you. The smarter they are, the more they wdo their slow, drip chinese water torture on you. Trust me, you will think YOU are the one going MAD!
My husband lied when he didn’t have to and maintained ongoing relationships with 3-6 women (those are what I am aware of) while I was the loving, loyal, caring, responsible, respectful wife. While I was cleaning the house and washing the clothes and earning income he was texting, calling, emailing, lunching, flirting and no doubt sleeping with other women. Imagine the quality of such women. They were hamburger meat compared to me as filet mignon.
So, my advice to those who are upset because you haven’t heard from the psycho, RUN! Do not walk to a therapists couch!!
Would you open your door to Ted Bundy?? Would you allow a child molestor in your home? Of course not because they are PREDATORS!! What makes your N any different?
Figure out WHO you are. What your God given purpose is and focus on that awhile. Set boundaries and learn how SURVIVORS behavior. Practice that behavior for a year. Then down the road you will attract someone healthy and NORMAL. But until then, dont get NEAR another love interest! You are still way too screwed up to be looking for love!
Dear Ranting Celeste:
Thank you so much for commenting! I really appreciated what you shared. Victims who are “that” point of missing the N really do need a firm hand to guide (shove) them in the opposite direction of the psycho.
ES
This is the best comment so far. It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about for months. I’m out for 6 months and I’m suspecting I have BPD and had been entangled in a ‘relationship’ with another borderline/narcissist. My therapist thinks it’s PTSD. Yes, there was trauma, but why was I involved in the first place? Why was I attracted to him? What attracted him to me?
I think I have been traumatized for sure by the break up. He was the one to finally walk away. But not before breaking up once, coming back, stringing me along for a short time then texting me to say he couldn’t see me anymore ’cause he’s moving in with someone else! Whoa! That was fast. And he was in the middle of a divorce.
I know him well enough to know that he’s off blaming me for all the problems we had. But although I suspect myself to be borderline, running to a therapist is EXACTLY what I did. The one benefit of this entanglement and the breakup of it is that it can serve as a wake up call, IF it’s what I choose to use it as. Do I still feel angry at him? Yes. Do I still miss him at times? Yes. Do I sometimes see in black and white and want to only blame him? Boy, that would be so easy, but it just never feels right. The fact is, we attract to ourselves, others who’s emotional level is equal to our own.
You can blame til the cows come home and although the N or even borderline has his share of the blame, the only person’s behavior you can do ANYTHING about and control, is your own.
Thank you Ranting Celeste. I was happy to see someone else thinking in the same vein I have been.
BTW: I am in no way suggesting you are borderline. I don’t know you. I was simply taking a look at myself, my situation and my part in it.
I am feeling flattened by the relationship and have certainly felt like a worthless nobody, feeling ugly and fat, rejected and thrown away after being dumped, especially since he didn’t truly end it til he had another firmly in place. But through the relationship I did my own pushing away and pulling back in. It was dysfunctional and I played my part. (and just to clarify I’m not implying that anyone else did the same sort of things. Every situation is unique.)
So I know I’ve got a lot to work on. I carry shame and guilt as well. But I guess I can be thankful that I have a conscience, even if it is tough to accept that I have my own issues. But even if I were to deny them, it doesn’t mean they’re not there.
It’s tough to really look at and own ‘stuff’ in oneself and it’s hard work to do something about it. That’s why most N’s won’t even admit to being part of the problem. Most will move on to another relationship just to avoid getting close enough to themselves to see inside. It would be too scary and history once again repeats. Do the work, attract someone healthy and protect your heart. You’re worth it.
I have had NC for over 4 years now (during the divorce I was forced to communicate with the N….ugh….we were married 23 years). But now I have reached a place in my soul that I refer to as “comfortably numb”. I may not be completely healed or happy but at least I am not as miserable and consumed with how badly I was duped, deceived, lied to, maniupulated, coerced, used……so the only way I can describe what I feel now is “comfortably numb” and I’m ok with that.
~ “Freebird”
Wow, I just happened across this blog and clearly once again there are no accidents.
I was married to my N for 10 years and with him for 11. He was not my first qualifier though, both my parents are capital N’s and I married the worst of both of them. The traits were familiar, so I was comfortable…for a while.
For all my qualifiers they boosted their N traits and sometimes blamed the traits on substance abuse, which they all agreed made it ok.
After 10 years and a child, we are newly divorced and it is harder than ever because we have shared custody of our 6 year old son. I would LOVE more than anything to be able to put the “No Contact” rule in place but with my little guy, that simply does not work. Today, I can see where I was the buffer to him and the outside world always telling him what the right thing to do was, the buff between him and our son. Now I have no control over what goes on at his Dad’s house nor the fact that he has not kept even one of the agreements that we agreed to and had written into the divorce. The rules do not apply to him, only to me. He is a bully and his new girlfriend is as well and the fear of what my son is seeing when he is there is nearly paralyzing. I have spoken to attorneys and to therapists and the reality is that until there is actual harm, I cannot do anything. This is torture of the worst kind. He has no ability to think about what is best for our son, it is what is going to make him comfortable, the 6 year old will have to deal. This is heartwrenching to me. My little guy came home having nightmares this past week. His father showed him his gun and apparently took him to a gun store and bought him a cap gun. BOUGHT THE 6 YEAR OLD A CAP GUN!! Now he is having nightmares about shooting and “how long does it take someone to die Mommy if they are shot?” This is totally unnecessary. And, my ex says I overreact at every little thing. While married this man never wanted me to go out even in the nicest sweat pants. His girlfriends showed up to my son’s 9:00 am basketball game in short shorts, high heel flip flops and a tube top when it was freezing out. This frightens me to think what he is seeing at home and questioning the level of what is approperate. While I have cut off communication with both my parents because it is so distructive, I cannot with this man. It is dificult, really difficult. Thinking of all of you that posted before me and just sharing that we walk the same path. You are not alone and neither am I. xo
Dear H:
Having guns accessible to a 6 year old is child endangerment where I live. I also think that social services would have something to say about a 6 year old with a cap gun. I would speak to my attorney – You can only hope that the N will lose interest in his/your son (children take the attention away from the N.)
My prayers for your child’s safety.
ES
I am so happy about these forums discussing dealing with an Narcissists. Everyone is so right, You can not break up with them, they have to dump you! They are SICK!! We should all thank God the He rescued us from these hybrids!
Shannel: I’m glad that you’ve escaped the N.
ES
Everytime I read a post describing the relationship I thought, “Maybe this girl dated L. too!! These guys are all the same person/psychosis. My N. told me that I was a “textbook narcissist” bc I fought back. The best memories were when I told him that he looks every day of his age (he always said he could get anyone) I told him he’d never do better than me unless he opened his checkbook…b/c it was true. When I was getting ready to end the relationship, spent less time w/ him, he dumped me…just never spoke to me again. So glad to understand that there’s no sense in waiting for that phone call so that I can “dump” him…it’s so much better to realize that he doesn’t miss me. He already has a new woman and was seen out telling people to feel his lack of body fat. When he brought a tape measure on our second date to measure his waist and lats, I should have known.
Oh, he also told me that making love to me was like making love to the Blessed Virgin herself…I don’t know too many people who would equate those two things..very ODD!
Dear Laurie: Ha! Yes, we fondly say that all N’s went to the Alma Mater because their behaviors are all so alike. Thankfully for me I only worked with/frieNd’s with the N. There was no sex involved.
Yours sounds like he was Somatic – being concerned with his measurements…etc.
The N that I had the misfortune of “knowing” was a Cerebral – although in retrospect there really wasn’t much gray matter between his ears.
It is best to not “wait” for that phone call –
ES
Not sure what IS implied by website..? WONDERFUL, BREATH OF SWEET NECESSARY RELIEF, What these sites, bring to so many like Me, misunderstood and crippled by this ABUSE and Sheer psychological TORTURE.. GOD BLESS with KNOWLEDGE.. and COMFORT for Those’..
Carolyn: I hope you find sweet relief from the grief of the N brings.
God’s peace to you.
ES
I am living with N husband for 10 years in April. We have an almost 8 year old and I am 52 years old and this is not my first marriage with a narc monster. I am at my wits end and in April, when it is officially the 10 year mark for the marriage, I want to get out. As scared as I am to break up yet another family and marriage for my child like my other children, I cannot stand the mind games and control tactics, gaslighting, arguments, and frankly, his mental illnesses that have caused me havoc on my health, mental and emotional health, and spiritual health. He is absolutely crazy and though he says he loves me, it is a joke and lie from hell! I havent had sex in 8 years with him and sleep in separate bedrooms and I like it that way. He disgusts me with his verbal and emotional abuse and sleeping habits and all the other abuses he puts out. The intimidation tactics are over the top and his mind is GONE!! I know he will start crap when i do finally leave and I am frightened of that but facing this another 10 years or until my child turns 18 turns my stomach and I want to throw up thinking about it. He lives in la la land and blames me for EVERYTHING and starts crap in front of our child all the time daily. He is sick and twisted and he does not love me at all as he cannot love at all period!! My child deserves better and so do I for that matter!! I am on the edge!
Sarah: So sorry to hear of all the trauma you have been thru. You can do this. A child can grow up healthy with just one parent – you are doing the best thing leaving. Please update us with how you are.
ES
WOW~ LOOKS LIKE MY EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE DID NOT GET TO BE THE ONE TO END IT .. HE PROBABLY THINKS HE DID! LOL!! HE TEXT ME LAST I NEVER RESPONDED AND UNFRIENDED HIM ON FACEBOOK IMMEDIATELY!! I LOVE IT! I BET HE WILL REALIZE WHEN HIS SUPPLY RUNS LOW.. WONT HE BE SURPRISED WHEN HE CANT GET TO ME ANYMORE!!!!!! ESPECIALLY HOW IN LOVE WITH HIM I THOUGHT AND HE THOUGHT I WAS! IF HE WAS ABUSED I PITY HIM BUT THAT IS ALL.NOT ENOUGH TO TAKE ONE MORE SECOND OF HIS PSYCHO GAMES! GROW UP! JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE HURT DOESN’T ME YOU GROW UP INTO A SUPPOSED ADULT AND HURT OTHER PEOPLE THAT TRY TO LOVE YOU! THEY ARE LIKE TWO YR OLDS! TOO IMMATURE AND STUPID TO REALIZE THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY VICTIMS THEY HAVE THEY WILL NEVER FIX WHAT WAS DONE TO THEM. THEY WILL BE MISERABLE FOR THE REST OF THEIR SICK LIVES..ALL OF THE LIVES THEY LIVE. THEY CAN TAKE ALL THEY WANT BUT IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH TO FILL THE HOLE IN THEIR SOUL! ONE OF HIS PARENTS QUALIFIED FOR A NARCISSIST. THE LEGACY CONTINUES AND WILL NO DOUBT BE SEEN AND PASSED ON TO HIS CHILDREN AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON . SO SAD IS THE WORLD WE HAVE TO LIVE IN WHEN WE HAVE TO WONDER WHO IS A PREDATOR AND WHO ISN’T! LIKE ZOMBIES THE WALKING DEAD AMONGST THE LIVING! BIG BIG BIG SMILES!!!! : ) TOO FUNNY NOT TO LAUGH (ESPECIALLY “AT” HIM!) SO MUCH BETTER THAN TEARS FOR AN EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE.
Thanks for commenting –
ES
Has anyone ever told their Ns that they have NPD? Although my ex-N soul raped me, I know that he knows that there is something wrong with him. He has broken down twice and even admitted that he doesn’t know what love is, and that he rubs people the wrong way, and that he has a lot of hate in his heart – that he doesn’t know what to do about all of it. It was like he was pleading with me to give him an answer. At the time, I didn’t know what was wrong with him either. He is in a lot of a pain. I suspect that he is the way he is because of his father (also seems NPD) and would like to give him a clue on how to stop the inner torment that he feels. I haven’t spoken to him in a year, after I told him that he was f***ing toxic. This was before I knew what NPD is, and had no idea that I would unleash a narcissistic rage i.e. distortion campaigns, etc.
I feel so bad for him and wonder if I should tell him what exactly is going on with him. I’ve read plenty about Ns not accepting such a diagnosis – but I would still like to hear about it if any of you have ever tried to tell one.
My friend at http://planetjan.wordpress.com told “her” N & as I recall the outcome was not pleasant.
ES
That link isn’t working, but it’s not hard to believe that the outcome would be met with more N rage or gaslighting and such. Bleh.
I’ve fixed the link – I was missing one letter, oops!
True. I would be more shocking if the N was apologetic, concerned, forgiving…human.
ES
>Has anyone ever told their Ns that they have NPD?
Yes but it doesn´t work… They will deny it… or even use it (yeah..maybe you are right.. i will look into that.. maybe I use people sometimes but I cannot helpt it but you are different blah blah blah).. The abuse will increase…
It is dangerous to tell them.. they know you are onto them… it is CONSCIOUS…… they are conscious… they know what they are doing and it’s horrible.
The N will NEVER miss you!! You were never anything to the N apart from supply… you could have been ANYONE.. so when you’re gone, the N will just replace you.
My N even told me as much to my face. He said “It will only take me 1 week to get over you, but if you leave, I’ll replace you within 2 days” and then went on to tell me how he can pick up women anywhere – trains, buses, banks, hospitals etc. I thought to myself – yeh, you can pick up women but you’ll NEVER keep one, bastard!
I have been in a relationship with an N for over 2 years – married. I left 5 days ago. I am on day 5 on NC. He has not tried to contact me – no calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. All I had was a msg on a chat program saying “Happy Valentines xxx” – which I am quite sure he copied and pasted to every single woman on every one of his chat programs!
I have suffered verbal and mental abuse the entire time. Been shouted at, raged at, cheated on, called names – stupid, useless, aimless, told that I need a mental home, told I make his life shit, shut out of his life, told that if he wants me there he will ask me to be there and if he doesn’t ask me then it means that he doesn’t want me there – so i should NEVER ask to go anywhere with him. He told me that he doesn’t want me to know anything about him or his life, he told me that where he goes and what he does is none of my business and I don’t need to know, he had secret friends and I wasn’t even allowed to know their names, he kept locks on his phone and laptop. He was irrational and abusive through our entire relationship. There are SO many things, sooooooo many… I can’t even begin to put into words what this monster has done to me.
I have finally found the strength to leave. I have left and gone back so many times, but not this time. On our wedding anniversary everything was great and all of a sudden he flipped out because I don’t have a job (was made redundant) and told me how useless and aimless I am, and how shit our life is and it’s all my fault – then ignored me and treated me like I don’t even exist for the rest of the day. Then shouted that he hasn’t done f*ck all to me and he’s sick of my f*cking crying.
He would do things and FLAT OUT deny doing them! Then he would accuse ME of doing things that HE was doing! He would rage and go insane over totally small and insignificant things. I can remember him SCREAMING down the phone at me until my phone speaking was vibrating in my ear. Screaming and shouting in my face until his spit was hitting my face. I was put on the silent treatment for hours, days, even weeks.
What a psycho. I am SO glad I am out of there. He cannot treat me like a piece of crap ever again! However, I am now suffering post traumatic stress – I have severe and intense nightmares every night, I can’t go into town without having major anxiety attacks and just needing to come home straight away. I have a constant anxious & sinking feeling in my stomach. The things he has done to me are going round and round in my head day in and day out. I am so angry, soooooooo full of anger at the things he has done to me. He knew how much I loved him and cared for him and he just used and abused me.
The even worse thing is that he is now lying to people and telling them that I am the abuser! LOL. He is making himself into the victim! The thing is, he knows he is lying because he is not telling people the things that he did to me! Therefore, he KNOWS the things he did were wrong – if he thought they were perfectly OK then he would tell people about them, but he hides them because he knows people would tell him what a psycho he is for doing them… This is how I know that he is a big liar and a big bullsh*tter…. This is how I know that HE is wrong and I have done NOTHING to deserve his crap. The other thing he doesn’t realise is, is that MOST people have now told me that they suspected he was abusing me and that they think he is crazy! HE thinks EVERYONE loves him and thinks he’s mr wonderful – haha haaaaaaaaa… If only he knew what people REALLY think of him! SOOO many people have told me how crazy and psycho they think he is!
I can’t wait until I am over the after effects of this monster who has INFECTED my life for the last 2 and a half years, so that I can be ME and I can be HAPPY again.
And -Telling your N that he is an N will NEVER work. I have tried to tell mine – he KNOWS he has anger issues and has once or twice shown a vulnerable side, but it only lasts 2 seconds. I tried to get him to see, so that he could get help – because it is clear to ME that he is suffering inside. I can see that he is frustrated. I mean, how unhappy must someone be to be a constant bastard? To ALWAYS be shouting and raging uncontrollably?… I tried to tell him, but the outcome was not good. Just lead to more rage and more accusations about me – such as that I am crazy and need a mental home etc.
Toxic is such a good word, fits an N perfectly, especially my ex. I have tried and tried and tried to help my N for over 2 years, even sacrificing my own sanity, my happiness – everything, to try and make the marriage work, to try and get him to see and for us to work on things together… but it never worked.
He stood there and raged at me, shouted at me “Start impressing me! You need to be more like me! Every argument we’ve EVER had has been YOUR fault. You need to change, you need to get help, there is NOTHING wrong with ME!”… this was the response I got.
If I were you, I wouldn’t bother. He’ll NEVER see it and even if he does, he’ll NEVER admit it!
AND – Did I mention that he told me that I make him feel like committing suicide? – yes. Apparently because I cry (because of his abuse!) I make him feel like committing suicide.
Dear Just:
You have certainly been thru the “N – mill.”
Sounds like you have reached the anger level of grief – you are doing well.
So many people that comment on my blog seem to be stuck in the “I miss the N” phase. Not you!
I am glad that you made your escape.
ES
>he KNOWS the things he did were wrong
Yep…. and that is just mind boggling…. This realization changed everything for me… I could not be sincere anymore..not say what I really thought… No matter how you turn it.. not matter what you want to say.. what game you want to play along… how you think… they only only way is no contact. No contact is the best anwer
And they aways pretend they cannot help it…. they cannot help being like that..
I’ve been through the ‘I miss the N’ stage 100 times LOL. With the abuse on Saturday, our wedding anniversary, it was like a light switched on in my head and something snapped inside of me… I feel like I have finally broken that “I miss him, I need him, he was everything” stage.. I can’t believe I’m not feeling it this time. I was so sure I would. I think this time he has pushed me right over the edge. I don’t even want to contact him. I don’t want to SEE him. I’ve been inside for 6 days now, because we live in a small town and I’m scared to go out and run into him. I’m moving away in the next week or 2 and plan to just hibernate until I go!
Whatever works for you – just be sure that you are taking care of yourself – doing things for you that you want to do.
ES
I have been in a serious relationship with a Narcissist for almost 4 years. We lived together for 2 years. Everything was wonderful for a little over 3 of those years….and then things started to change drastically. We started fighting a lot. It seemed as though I was constantly doing something wrong! I chalked it up to the fact that we were both under a lot of stress at our jobs and had moved into a home last summer that needed a lot of work. He got more withdrawn, more jealous, etc. Then the week after Thanksgiving he flew into a narcissistic rage. He locked me in a bedroom and put himself between me and the door so I could not leave. His rant lasted over an hour. He said he had anger and resentment towards me and proceeded to give me a list of all the hurts that I had caused him over the entire course of our relationship. Even blamed me for the poor relationship he has with his children. His recolllection of events and what I had said/done was so distorted! I was shocked! Very long story………but he did end up deciding he was going to move out this past New Years Eve. Within one week everything was packed, he had signed a lease and he was gone. I was a basket case! I stayed in bed and cried for 2 days, but then slowly started building my life back. Within 3 weeks he contacted me crying and pleaded with me to meet him so we could talk. I did and agreed to try again only if we went to marriage counseling together. He agreed and I was so hopeful. We had a wonderful Valentines Day. I went out of town this past weekend for my Fathers funeral and he was upset because I did not call him at some point on the day of the funeral. I called him that night— but that was apparently not good enough. On the day that my family is burying my Father he is mad at me because I did not make time to call him!!! He flew into a rage and would not let me speak and after hanging up on him twice, I turned off my phone so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore. An hour later when I turned my phone back on I had an email from him stating we were incompatible and it was over. I didn’t think he could get any more cruel than when he broke up with me over the holidays, but dumping me via email on the Dad of my Fathers funeral is so mean and heartless—it is simply unimaginable to me. That was yesterday. I am back home now and after a day of sobbing and questioning why no one will ever love me, I realize I have to let this relationship go. I do not want to be alone and am so afraid, but I have to face these fears and push through for my own emotional well being and survival. I do not believe he will contact me again but will instead go out quickly to find another supply source. He is very good looking so this will not be hard for him. He is a sadist! I have finally gotten to the anger stage and will use this emotion to build up my strength and resistance to this soul snatcher.
Terri: Please accept my sincere sympathy on the loss of your father. That is enough to be deal with – without the insnity of the N. The terror he put you through Thanksgiving weekend was unacceptable – Wouldn’t you rather be alone and safe than with him, being verbally and emotionally abused?
Keep track of how long he goes before contacting you again. It is their usual MO to contact after a period of time – you write that it was 3 weeks after New Year’s that he contacted you again. You need to stay strong – No Contact means just that, no contact of any type.
If you get a chance, read Narcissistic Curtain Calls and FAQ: Missing Pretend Guy.
ES
After being with a bf for over 3 yrs, it was only 6 months ago I realised that he was an N. We met on a dating site and things moved so quickly, engaged within 2 months, then living together a month later. All was well, I was totally in love with this man and thought he felt the same. I soon realised he had a drinking problem, something he denied, oh yeah, he kept a job down but when he wasn’t working or sleeping he was getting drunk, we split up in total 3 times. We got back together cos he said he was gonna change, that never happened. I had the abuse & the silent treatment. Looking back, I am surprised am still here. I had 2 children by my husband who had died 6 yrs earlier. We finally split for good 6 months ago. Its been tough, we still had contact until a month ago. I decided then I wasn’t just gonna wait for his drunken txts telling me he loved me and I was his forever. I can’t say its easy when you’re a decent person. Its hard to grasp that monsters like these exsist, I will get there yeah, it will take a bit of time but reading these posts has made me realise that am not alone and what has happened to me was never my fault.
Dear Blue: No, it was never your fault. The N saw characteristics in you that he wanted.
It is a blessing for your two children that you are not with the N any longer. Tough situation or not, they are better off to not be around a psycho like N’s can be.
Your children and yourself should be your focus – you three are the important ones.
ES
Just:
we are living in parallel worlds. Mine just left me after almost 6 years together. We met in May of 2006 and by October he had moved in with me and taken over the mortgage of my house. (Thank God I remained on the deed). He said he was “doing me a favor” since my STBX had taken out leins against the home, and it was costing me $2400 a month to live here. He DID get it down to $1300 with his good credit. Of course, he wouldn’t accept responsibility for PAYING the mortgage. That was on me. And he lived here and paid the cable, pest control, electric, water, garbage. That was it.
I bought all the food, etc.
Anyhow I digress.
Look. J left me FOURTEEN times in a 6 year period. 14 !!!!!!! Each time, I pined over him, missed him, cried. He didn’t want this, couldn’t do it, he’d say. He was the wrong guy for me. (Oh, how I wish I had listened!) He would fly into rages. I was walking on eggshells. Toward the end of each cycle, I would be told to go f*ck myself or f*ck you if I tried to calmly speak to him about my needs or feelings. I was called a C*NT, as well as being threatened with abandonment many, many times.
Then, after all this, he would blame me. He would say, I don’t want to fight in front of your kids (11 and 16)… (p.s. they hate him) – He would tell me it was my fault for not being quiet and shutting up. But there was no other way to communicate with him. He would stonewall me, give me the cold shoulder, show ZERO affection for me, ignore me, and give me the silent treatment for days when he was angry at me for asserting myself. Then, as if nothing had ever happened, he would begin to act “normal” again.
Since he has met me, he has changed jobs more times than I can count. He doesn’t get fired. He quits. He wants more money. He wants less hours. He wants a different schedule. He basically doesn’t want to work at all but wants to be rich. Then he quits a perfectly good job, and mopes about the house complaining about how broke he is…about how he wants to send his 28 and 30 year old sons money to “help them” when I am sitting here paying the majority of everything.
The first 2 years of the relationship were a triangle because his ex who he dumped and left would not leave us alone. She was desperate, begging, harrassing us by phone and text for years. He was genuinely abusive verbally to her, and I can attest to that! I heard him many times. Secretly, I was glad. I wanted him to be point blank mean to her so she would go away. She wouldn’t. She felt so rejected by him and couldn’t figure out why. As time went on, she began to move on (by) in February 2007. No calls from her. It was a miracle.
Valentine’s Day arrived. I got a beautiful bouquet from J. Guess who else got the same identical one? Yes, the ex. He sent us the same flowers from the same company and her order showed up in our email!
I think that was maybe one of two times he ever apologized to me, citing that he knew he held no credibility but he would prove to me he wanted only me.
Longgggg story short, I have been through the ringer so badly over 6 years that I went from being a vivacious, outgoing, bubbly person to one that cut herself on purpose, broke things in the house, and began drinking to excess.
So now, I am a drunk to him.
He left me again with no notice on February 17, 2012.
I helped him “pack” this time!
I threw his crap into the front yard in the rain, and I locked the doors.
Since then, he has emailed me long letters explaining why he “had to go”, why we will never work, and he hoped we would be better friends now that he would have “permission to keep the volume on the tv as loud as he likes”.
He has also texted me, which I have not responded to.
Just last night, he called me. When I answered the phone, dead silence.
Well, it IS Friday night here, so I guess he was checking in to make sure I was home.
This is a 50 year old man.
First wife married for 17 years with 2 sons. Had altercation with first wife that involved her taking a knife to his neck threatening him. God only knows what he did to her to provoke such madness but she is not that type of person.
Second wife married for 8. Had altercation with stepson that involved the cops.
then me. I never married him.
I am trying to feel my way through to the next few days.
I just wanted to tell you that so much of what you said – how he treated you – resonated with me. It was identical. I could have written your post.
I never wanted to believe he was an N but he is.
And to Terri:
Sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost mine in August 2009. And J did not come with me out of state for the funeral tho I begged him and told him I needed him. Why? Because he “couldn’t get 2 days off work” from the dealership.
Please.
Dear Justme: Thank you for replying to Terri & Just: If all my commenters were able to sit down for coffee & desert to talk – I think we would find that all of our stories are SO much alike. It is almost like those 20/20 special reports on a bigamist…where there are all these women married to the same man.
I am so proud of you for helping him pack! It will be difficult, but I hope that you will be able to stay NC. It sounds like with his past history, he will most asuredly make “Curtain Calls.”
Please believe me when I tell you that NC gives you such power after having been powerless for such a long time.
Blessings for you on getting your sanity back.
ES
I have been reading a lot and your post really spoke to me. I have been with a man for almost four years. I think during that four years we have broken up no less then ten times. He has actually moved me in and out of his place that many times. When we met he was charming and sweet and a great singer, and a good father and a christian or so I thought. I now have come to learn that I never really knew him. He is not a good dad. He has raised his daughters to think that they are better than anyone around them. That the regular rules do not apply to them. He buys them what ever they want. They are 15 and 18 and act like they are 5 and 7. They still cry and throw fits and pout. It is tiresome to say the least. I now know that he is ok with this because they are an extension of himself. He is still a good singer but uses that to suck people in and have them look up to him. He can change on a whim. I never know who I am going to wake up to. He can go to sleep a nice man and wake up a beast or visa versa. There is nothing that he does wrong and if he does say he is sorry by the end of his apology I am being blamed again. When I cry he looks as if he is empty and could care a less. He lies all the time and if I catch him, he turns it. All that he does that is wrong he says that it is me that is doing it. He has slept and texted and conversed with ex wives since we have been a “we”. He has also been on many dating sites. He has even used fake pictures to fool me. He emails, texts, facebooks and call strange women. He will hold out on sex and use it against me. He talks terrible about me to my friends. He talks down to me about my friends and family. He is scary. Yet I have never been able to leave him. He is now threatening to leave me and move out of my house.
What would you do?
Dear Tara:
Honey – If I were you and he was threatening to leave me? I’d say there’s the door Buddy – don’t let it hit “ya” on the way out! I used to be nice – and maybe I’d bring home some boxes from work for him to start packing his crap. But since he’s an N – some big black yard/leaf bag would do nicely. 🙂
Is it your home that he is living in right now? Pack up his stuff and put it outside. CHANGE the locks. Are these two primadonna teenagers living with you? Pack up their stuff too.
IF he is living in your house and you own it without him – then kick his ass to the curb.
Are you living in his house? Do you have a place to go to, if you at in his place?
If you have somewhere to go – Then LEAVE.
Nobody, man or woman needs to put up with that crap.
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in the corner of an attic than with a crabby (man) in a lovely home.
ES
ES,
Well, I caved. The past couple of weeks he’s more sure than ever he’ll never come back, and I have been walking around like a zombie. I’m so ashamed. I even sent him a long email taking the fall for everything. Told him it was MY fault because I was drinking… that I abused him and he didn’t deserve it…. anything I could say to soften the very rough edges of this break-up.
I did it because he had written to me and told me he was living in a sh*thole and signed a 1 year lease there. (He told me he won’t tell me the address because he feels like a “battered wife”… I guess that is what happens to them when their partner stands up for herself and yells back!) – He told me he has a mini fridge by his bed, that he is cooking on a hot plate. He told me he has a safety deposit box at the bank and he is going to FILL it up with money and is excited to start his new life! Then he tells me he never wanted to leave but will never return because of the spectacle I made of myself when I “helped him pack” this last time (did I say it was the 14th time he left in 6 years?)
I think what bothers me here is that he AGAIN is in control of deciding how and when this ends. It’s not fair at all and I get that N’s aren’t fair, but it’s eating at me. I know you said he will make curtain calls, but I’m not so sure. Honestly? I hope he does so I can kick him to the curb where he belongs, and take back my pride and my self-respect, since I did give it all away in sending that pathetic email that carried all the blame for the demise of our relationship on MY shoulders. Why, oh why did I do that????
Anyway, he now feels more vindicated in leaving, and tells me not to leave anymore voice mails. I have been caving…. I watched “Something’s Gotta Give” with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson last night. Remember when she realized she was wearing his glasses and she started crying? Well it was hysterically funny and I found myself laughing and crying at the same time over it – I could so feel her pain! I dialed him and left a couple of VMs, laughing and crying, being nostalgic, telling him about the movie and that I was sad it wouldn’t be us going to Vegas together like we had planned and that I really had spent the last 30 days here alone, holed up at home in the dark, re-evaluating MYSELF and thinking of ways I could incorporate real changes to make things work. And all the while, I hadn’t realized he was long, long gone mentally and emotionally… (as if he were ever there!)
Do you know what he did? He emailed me to say, stop leaving him voice mails and told me if I ever wanted to talk or get closure to call him and he would pick up the phone.
But I won’t call….It would only give him more power. He has made it crystal clear he is never coming home. And I know someday it will be a Godsend, but today, it’s an internal struggle between my heart and my brain.
My heart just needs to acknowledge and come to terms with what my brain already knows and is shouting out!
So that is my story. I am not responding to him anymore, and yesterday I did also tell him on VM that I understood he was gone, and that now he was officially “good to go” as far as I was concerned. I said this with a calm kindness, not angry. I told him that i needed to start focusing on myself and get the hell out of this house because I needed to think about planning my own future without him in it as the main element.
Now, I go on. I do wonder if he will ever be in contact again. But it will not come from me.
Justme:
I can quarantee that you are not going to like my return message to your comment – fair warning.
Not all N’s make “Curatin Calls” and you know something – it is an absolute blessing when they just drop off the face of the earth. It makes the healing process so much easier.
So – you caved and sent him emails……Heavy sigh…..he is once again in control of the situation, why? Because you broke the No Contact rule. To misquote Pirates of the Carribean…These are Rules…not guidelines….After re-reading your post, he may very well not ever make an appearance again – because he now has the upper hand
Re: the s**t hole he is supposedly living in….sorry, but he is probably already living with another woman, in a lovely place, a woman who he has no doubt told all about the “crazy woman” he was with….this is just one of the things that happens when we break the no contact RULE.
You took the blame for the failed relationship when he was the one who left 14 times in 6 years?
It was not your responsibility – but you’ve made it so.
So, what are you going to do now that you are back to Square One?
First, if I may make a suggestion, Please don’t watch anymore romantic movies.
I once broke NC early into what I like to call “Taking back My Life” (and the N was only a “frieNd”) and it was the Biggest mistake I could have ever made.
Remember that No Contact means just that – no emails, no phone calls, no text messages, no voice messages, no post-it notes, no cards, no memos, no messages sent by friends walking by the N’s office, no waves, no nods, and my new personal favorite as seen on “a Shrink 4 Men”, no smoke signals…..
Change your email address – yea, it is a hassle but necessary.
Or just cancel it and send friends your new address.
If his name is included on your emaii – You really need to change IT!
Bigger hassle, but necessary – Change your cell number.
Delete him from everywhere you can. I cannot begin to tell you how empowering that is.
When you forgive me for my tough love comments – comment again and let me know how you are doing with
NO Contact.
Hope you feel better soon. It is the worse feeling ever the way the N makes us feel. I am on week 7 of NC. Wow its been sooo hard, even today. I just wanted to message him & thankfully i didn’t. It has gotten easier, and it is the best thing I can do; I just don’t feel like it at the moment. 😦 Take care, stay strong and stay NC. It is the only choice, we have to be rid of these Aliens – out of our lives x
Dear Blue: Thank you for commenting to Justme.
When we break NO CONTACT we really sabatoge ourselves.
You’ve heard the saying “Two steps forward, three steps back”?
Well, break NC and it is more like “Two Steps forward – 10 steps backward into hell.”
There’s a reason it is called No Contact – it means just that.
To break the hold the N has on the victim/target’s mind – You’ve GOT to find something else to occupy the seemingly big VOID. And I don’t mean, Food or Sex with another man, because sadly the target is in a very vulnerable spot with terrible judgement now.
Exercise
Read a book
Paint your kitchen
Exercise
Clean out a kitchen drawer/the garage/a closet
Once you get past the incredible longing for the ABSOULTELY worse thi(N)g for you EVER – You will find yourself asking “Dear God! What did I “see” in that enormous A$$ H**e anyway??!!”
ES
I would like to get some feed back on something.
When I finally discovered what my ex-N was/is (full blown Narcissist) I was so relieved to know there was a name for it as well as so much information on the topic. I made the NC rule for myself before I even read that it was a necessary part of ‘the healing process’ because I TRULY never wanted anything else to do with him.
My kids were 18 and 21 when he decided it was time to walk out (he was ‘spent’ with the marriage) and I have told the kids that I will NEVER speak to him or be in the same room with him EVER again.
So…..how does that work if/when the kids get married, have children, special events, etc.? At the moment they are not speaking to him either (he finally managed to show THEM the true N-side of himself… started blaming them for things and telling them that they suck and to never call him again….ever. They are 24 and 27 now).
BUT if they should some day choose to have contact with him and then the ‘special events’ start happening, how are ‘we’ (N-ex-victims) supposed to deal with that? I TRULY do not EVER want to see his face again (or his new wife’s face or the faces of his new children)…..EVER!!!! Any thoughts on that?
Sharon:
I think you would deal with this the same way someone would who went through a horrific divorce. Those people, I am thinking of a new sister-in-law, they simply do not see the X and the children are old enough that they have the contact with the non custodial parent. I know that in my sister-in-law’s case, her children’s father was not invited to graduations and when the son married this year, he did invite his father.
My sister-in-law did splendidly. She did not look at her X, everyone was feeling for her, we all told her later that looking at her X, “we could not believe that she was EVER married to a slime like that…” Some of us were more honest than others.
The father was in a photo with the groom, but my sister-in-law was NOT in the same photo. It was like the X was a stranger and my sister-in-law was merely polite. Of course, it helped that she had a new, handsome, attentive husband.
I would think that your children have already had the rite of passage that is graduation. If they choose to include him in their wedding(s) that is something you’ll have to worry about when the time comes.
Don’t borrow trouble. Each day has enough of its own.
He told them to never call him, you tell us. As deeply emotional as weddings are, I think your children will be adult enough to realize that if they invite their Narcissistic father he will do nothing but spoil their day(s).
Again, don’t worry about it until it is necessary. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Elisse Stuart
Well, I’ve not made anymore contact.
Not really. I think a week or so ago I called but it just rang. He didn’t pick up, and i was sort of glad he didn’t. I don’t know why I called. Maybe because he said if you ever want to talk, give me a call and I”ll pick up.
he didn’t.
I didn’t leave a voice mail.
And, finally I have something to pat myself on the back about.
I have not tried to contact him at all since….nor has he.
I have suspected he’s living with someone else as well.
When someone says, after a small tiff (not even a big argument; just a tiny one) that they don’t need your shit, don’t love you anymore, and want to leave because they don’t want to grow old with you) – believe them! I think he checked out way before I realized he was “gone”. He was mentally and emotionally not here for awhile, I think, although the week before I was the most important thing in the world to him and we went out to dinner 3 days before he left me! Who knew?
It’s hard to wrap my head around, but I have decided not to contact again, and I am actually x-ing off my calendar for each day I stay silent and work to move on in life without him.
I could call, email, or rant that I didn’t mean the apology, but what for? To give him more ammunition? Nah. I’ll just keep quiet.
The only outstanding issue here is that our home is here with me. He left it. He is on the mortgage alone. We are both on the deed. He said I need to pay or he will let the bank take it. I would walk, honestly, I would. Except my mother lives directly across the street and is almost 90. She moved here and purchased her home BECAUSE of my living right here. It’s nice to be able to walk to her if she needs me.
So I don’t know. I’m paying a mortgage that is in his name. He took this home out of my ex’s name when I got with him because at the time, my N had perfect credit and was able to sign onto the house so I could get my mortgage cut in half. So I have lived here since 1999. But in 2006 or 2007 it became “ours”.
Now? He wants it out of his name, wants no part of it, but is “okay” with it if I keep paying the money into it. We are upside down in it so for now, rather than make a big life-move, I think I am going to sit for a bit and just try to get my bearings.
I still can’t believe that I could mean nothing to him. He used to call all the time telling me about his day, his sales at work, and he had a #1 cheerleader in me all the time. He is not close to his family, nor has many friends. I was his partner in all ways, and now he tells me we were too “consumed” with each other?
Wow.
So I’m still licking my wounds, dreaming of him, wishing we could have some sort of friendship even though I know N’s do not have real friends.
It’s a lot to swallow right now. I am managing to take baby steps to get out and meet new people, but honestly my heart isn’t in it. I would still trade a big night out for a little night home with him when he was in a “good” mood.
sad, huh.
oh, I did do one good thing. I joined a gym. 🙂
I also got a new email address. working on changing everything here, bit by bit. Tougher than it sounds. Funniest thing of all, if the guy needed a kidney, I’d still give him one. What is that about? Trauma bonding, huh?
JustMe: No Contact means NO CONTACT – That includes calling and hanging up or waiting to hear his voice on the answering machine.
I for one, am quite concerned that you would give one of your kidneys to (pardon my French) “a lying sack of s**t. I think you might to discuss this with a professional, why after the all the abuse, you would save his life?
ES
I think everyone on this board knows, I’ve already been replaced and that was probably in the works before I knew he was leaving me.
Well, yes…we’re all reading this thinkimg the same thing – Sorry.
ES
I have been married for just over one year. I left three months ago after the put downs, screaming and a lot of blame. I did not know what I did? I went to a Christian marriage counselor and she told me I was married to a narrissist. I did not know or even think that. He is in Florida and does not seem to care about me anymore.
Dear Ann: I am proud of you for leaving the N. The abuse that you suffered is never acceptable – N or not. I hope that you will be able to continue to see the counselor while you continue on your path of recovery. The very best case scenario is if the N just disappears from our lives altogether. When they continue to make “curtain calls” is what sets back our healing and really just makes things worse.
All the best to you –
ES
Where to begin….married for over 8 years out of 10 together. My second marriage (20 years in the first) her third marriage (7 years, 2 years, 8 years). I am the like the other two husbands in that I was to blame for everything, and had a false restraining order being filed against me stating I am “mentally unstable”, forced sex, fear, etc…..all false. I now realize all the stories of her ex’s being so terrible were nothing more than a ploy. I understand why she isolated me from all of our family and friends. Why she is obsessive over full custody of our son. Why when the money ran out from my settlement she started to devalue our relationship, and Why she had an affair just prior to leaving the marriage abruptly…….”I’m no longer in love with you, I want a divorce”…when everything seemed so naturally normal, and she refused any marriage counseling. She has her new source of NS. I had a breakdown from the abandonment, as it brought up abandonment issues from my childhood. I sought my psychologist and set an appointment, she thought it best to have me sent to the hospital and conjure up stories to have me held 5150. I was released in 2 days, after she took all of her belongings a left with our son to her father’s. I filed for legal separation in order to have visitation with our son. She quickly upped it to a divorce and filing a restraining order 3 months after she left. I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist both stating I am stable and NOT what she has claimed and have obtained joint legal and physical custody of our son. My psychologist has told me she is not my friend and that she is capable of anything and to be prepared, for she fits the profile of a NPD. It has been a utter nightmare that was perpetrated under the guise of the perfect relationship. I am halfway to a year in getting to a healthy place in my life and focus on taking care of ME! No more fixing things for people, they need to fix their own problems with self love, just as I do today. Thanks for sharing everyone! your stories have helped me gain clarity as I exit the fog of narcissism….NEVER to RETURN!
Dear Single: Thanks for sharing your story with us.
You are one of a small handful of guys who read here. Welcome.
I am glad that you regained custody of your son. I hope that the counseling will benefit him as well.
ES
Dude, I’m so with you 100%! I went thru 21 yrs with a female NARC and never realized exactly what was wrong with her behavior over the course of the last 16 yrs prior to our divorce being finalized in March 2012. You would be amazed at how many men are abused by female NARC’s, would make your head spin around. They are everywhere in society I sh*t you not! I realized something was desperately wrong in our relationship, that many men and women, fail to acknowledge the pain and suffering for what it really is. NARC’s do not care about anyone but themselves, this is true (in the beginning they care only about the “honeymoon phase” and when they decide the “honeymoon phase” is over, wach out, cause the MASK comes off and their true-self, comes alive and this is scary as hell itself, let me tell you. Then the “devaluation phase” kicks in, then the final stage kicks in…DISCARD PHASE!, GAME OVER MAN!) They are emotional vampires and societal parasites, who rely on others to feed off their NARC supply so they can exist in society amongst us “normal”, respectul, trusting, caring and loving REAL people! This is so true. My ex-NARC has to be the most extreme, severe, malignant, covert, stealth female NARC on the planet! She fits the NARC description to a tee, no kidding! I have studied her behaviors, symptons and traits for nearly two years and became overly obsessed with NPD, researching the Internet on every single arcticle, website, therapy blogs, eBooks, etc, etc, etc., that it was the only way I could make sense of it all for 21 yrs! We have two children together, son 17 and daughter 14, both in highschool and the x-NARC and I share joint, physical legal custody together. Neither of us pay each other child support because that was a main sticking point with me during the MSA and finalized divorce agreement. Word to the wise, get yourself and attorney who is worth their weight in salt who has worked with clients who they have had to deal with NARC’s during divorces, personal property issues and more importantly child custody issues. Protect the children and shield them from the emotional and potential physical traumas, they can and will endure. It will be hard and a delicate balance with minor children involved, but use the legal system in your state to protect your rights as a man and more importantly a father. Gather and obtain as much evidence as you can along with your attorney and fight back legally! NARC’s are very evil, insidious, unethical, immoral vermin that they will stop at nothing to destroy their victims, as they have placed a target on their head! They will use their own children and they will throw them under the bus without even a conscious thought otherwise. They will use their own children as proxies to do their bidding and dirty work thru them to cause you any personal or financial pain they can, make no bones about it, my fellow recovering friend! The best thing you can do, is to do exactly like the rest of recovering victims are being directed to do by so many out there trying to help us get thru our individual situations is to do NO CONTACT PERIOD. However, with minor children involved right smack in the middle of our messes, LITTLE CONTACT is required, but set BOUNDARIES and use the legal system to ensure they are adhered to and abided by ALL parties involved or else! Trust me on this one, my ex-NARC is a demon on wheels and although I thought our post-divorce co-parenting was going to be different and she was going to play fair and observe the boundaries of the divorce agreement, when it came to visitations and among other issues with the kids, boy I was dead wrong! I had to get a TPO and PO to shut her down and put her back on the reservation where she belonged. B*tch came unglued and went on the warpath recently, due to me still living in our house and filing chapter 7 bankruptcy, to include both loans on the house, still in both our names. She text me, called me, left VM’s, came to the house unannounced, unauthorized and unconsented by me, three times within 12 hrs! Went into one of her typical NARC rages, in front of our daughter, 2 out of the 3 times. I remained very calm and did not let her get close to me while she raged. (I have been verbally and physically abused by her for over 16 yrs…no more!) What I did do, was remain calm during her rage episodes and repeated multiple times to get out of the house and off the property immediately and if she did not, I was calling the cops! NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT, especially if the NARC is criminally tresspassing! Take a stand, and take your life back dude! Don’t give the NARC any ammunition to use against you, especially in a court of law, cause, they really do play dirty and women NARC’s play the victim so very well, and the courts are heavily favored on their behalf in most every state in the US. Educate yourself as much as you can about NPD and stay the course, of NO CONTACT as much as possible. Remember, boundaries are our defense and shield and creating as much distance between yourself and the ex-NARC is extremely helpful and important as well. Also, do not slander or defame your ex-NARC in front of minor children, as that can and will come back to haunt you, especially in the courts! NARC’s are very good at using this tactic with their own minor children for their own gain and continued abuse! I know I have ranted a bit, but this NPD subject has become my own lifes work to help and support other NDP abused victims. Remember, there is a community out here who have been there and done it, and some of us are still going thru emotional, financial and physical pain of NARC recovery, that know you are not alone my friend. Take care of yourself, protect yourself, protect and shield your minor children as much as possible from the ex-NARC. Fight fire with fire, legally to the fullest extent of the law and your rights as a man and father. Don’t ever give up and stay true to your feelings, as they are one of the best guides we have in life to steer us clear of trouble and harms way. Remember, don’t go looking for trouble, as there is enough of it out there to find you on it’s own. Also, somethings are just better left unsaid, in some cases (NO CONTACT!!!) and lastly, NO CONACT, DISTANCE yourself as far away from NARC’s as possible and LAUGHTER, are the best medicines when dealing with NARC’s and going thru our own personal recovery process. Find a good support group and get good counseling, especially from a qualified therapist organization, who know fully about PD’s and can guide you thru the mental storms! It will not be easy, but time does heal all wounds and God tells us to forgive those that sin and trespass against us while we are this earth. This can be really hard with any NARC’s, as they are spiritually empty an lack a complete sense of any empathy for anyone, period! They truly are the “devil in disguise” amongst us, especially when the MASK comes off. They are truly, street angels/home devils, male or female, does not matter. And they are the best actors an actresses never to apply for that position! I have practiced NO CONTACT 100% now for several months, since the divorce was finalized in March 2012, which was hard in the beginning but has gotten much easier and my teenagers, deal with the ex-NARC on their own accounts. They have been fully educated on the NPD in their lives and they will have a delicate balance dealing with her the rest of their lives. This had to be done, as they have seen, heard and witnessed firsthand their mom-NARC’s behavior and rages and just exactly what she is capable of, which is anything! I pray to GOD everday, that neither one of them will become the next NARC in my life or on Earth itself. Narcissisim breeds Narcissism, in families, as my ex-NARC mom-in-law was the source of my ex-NARC spouse’s abuse and ultimately her becoming a worse NARC as she has aged. Ex-NARC is 41 going on, um, 14 still! They never grow up, they never take any responsibility or accountability for their actions or the lackthereof, they are expert pathological liars, they will lie, deceive and betray ALL trust in a marriage/relationship and won’t even blink an eye to cheat or have multiple extended sexually affairs right under your nose and none of us ever see that train coming right at us until it is too late. Stay the course my friend, NO CONTACT if at all possible. With minor children involved, is to insert intervention into the mix otherwise. Never, ever, be alone with the ex-NARC mom, without at least one competent, reliable adult or even a state DCFS rep involved and present EVERY time for your sake, your protection and more importantly, the minor children involved. Never show your anger, bitterness or resentment toward the ex-NARC in public, in front of any witnesses at all or minor children, to be used against you later, as the NARC’s are notorious for this crap! They are out to gain NARC supply from any source they can, good or bad, and this is very true for all of them. “Kill’em” with just the minimal amount of kindness, if you have to interact with them, for the minor children’s behalf, but keep it very brief, to the exact point, do not fall prey to the NARC’s projections, as ignoring them is a really deep NARC injury to their ego’s when you do this. Never fall prey to the “gaslighting” techniques NARC’s are EXPERTS at. (If you do not know what “projections” and “gaslighting” are, PLEASE research and study as much about this behavior that NARC’s are notorious for in any relationship and be fully aware and educated about them, as they are classsic NPD behaviors, signs and traits! This will provide some level of protection and to shield you, you will need going forward IF you cannot minimize NO CONTACT with your x-NARC, due to minor children being involved. Never confront your ex-NARC that they are NARC’s, as this will trigger a NARC RAGE, undoubtely. (Although, if your state allows the use of personal recordings and video tapes in the court systems, and you can capture one or more of these NARC RAGES on a recording device, then do it! Check with a good attorney to find out what your state laws are in regards to this personal protection and your rights. If you can prove and show beyond a shadow of doubt that your ex-NARC is a real freak / loser / sociopath / psychopath, then by God do it to protect yourself and your minor children. OR hire a experienced, qualified, license state private investigation firm to do your work for you. Best money I ever spent personally! But be very careful and wise about any TPO’s or PO’s in place, because if there are between you and your ex-NARC, discuss this with your attorney, first and foremost before you ever atempt to execute a plan of action against the ex-NARC of this nature. Be very careful with this one. Once again, DISTANCE yourself as far away from the ex-NARC as possible, practice little to NO CONTACT as much as possible (due to the minor children as the only exception, but go back and re-read what I recommended to you above please), and take care of yourself, love yourself again, find that person you have always been, before the NARC came into your life and love your children most importantly, because our time on Earth is limited and make the best of everyday, positively and time will heal your wounds, trust me as a survivor of NARC abuse myself. Never let it happen or come back into your life ever again, as I say to all fellow NARC abuse victims recovering…”DOWN WITH ALL NARC’s!!!” Have a blessed day and God be with you and your children. A little prayer each day, doesn’t hurt either 🙂 I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers so that your situation will improve, be positive and your emotional healing will speed up! (Oh, yeah, one more thing about my ex-NARC spouse…she had 3 affairs on me in the last ten years, that I discovered during the divorce process…what a B*TCH!…her 3rd affair, while living with her on again, off again, retarded, little weasel redneck b/f, she beat the hell out of him one night and he called the cops on her and they both ended up going to jail for two days, for simple assault, domestic family violence…now that my friend was pure poetic justice, accountability wise, I LMAO and and threw a party…WOO-HOO!!! Couldn’t of happened to, 2 of the most stupid, dumbest people on the planet!) Take care and Godspeed in your personal recovery dude! 🙂
Thank-you ES for providing this blog and forum for all of us to share our personal stories and recovery process!!! You are one of God’s Warriors sent to Earth to provide support and protect us from NARC abuse!
Dear Narc Hunter: Thank you very much for the compliment. 🙂
It is my prayer for you that your life would become more peaceful and that you and your children would be protected from as much of the N-drama you mentioned above as is heavenly possible.
God Bless you and stay No Contact.
Elisse Stuart
Wow. Amen! I hope that’s enough to warrant a post for now… I am too exhausted to tell my story right now.
You are welcome to share whenever you feel safe to do so.
ES
I have just been discarded by my narcissist boyfriend. After 7 yrs of abuse and being fully exploited, he has sucked me dry, ruined my life and has done the final most cruel blow by telling me I am too old for him and I am stupid, sloppy and useless. He fits in all the profile of a story book narcissist and a somatic one at that. He used to boast of his sexual conquest and is always thinking that women find him sexy. He exercises like a maniac and loves his body always proud of his sexual prowess. The trouble is I am three years older than him (57) and we both look good for our age but he looks very young.
He is going through some sort of mid life crisis and is preparing to do a facelift He said that will make him look 35 yrs old and he thinks I will be too old for him then. He has made me do a lot of demeaning things, from sexual to in regards to my body and I am like his personal slave. It doesn’t matter to him if I have to wake up at 10 pm to go out in the rain miles away to buy his faviourite food. He is openly self centred and his rages have been escalating and worsening. His cold treatment is classic. He is stingy and demands expensive gifts. Yea, I went through the idealisation stage initially but I was addicted to him. The sex was great and I could talk to him and confide in him. But somehow, he always uses the information to hit back at me. He always discourages me from being close to my friends and is jealous of my children.
For years we had our breakups and I always beg him to take me back. We lasted so long mainly because, I am probably the best source he has ever met and am resourceful, generous and capable. I tolerated his rages even though they were crazy. But I felt demeaned and I was walking on egg shells. None of my friends like him and I could see they are very uncomfortable with him. He uses people blatantly, ordering them about and also treats them like dirt. He loses friends fast and his only good childhood friend is a liar, womaniser and suck up to him. He belittles his friend.
Sex is important to him and he is very sexual. The excitement of seeing him, no longer exists for me as I am fearful of his unpredictable temper. The past few weeks, I could sense he was deciding if I should still be His source as he wanted me to do more risky things and he was bored. His shouts at me everyday and treats me cruelly. One fine day last week, he went on a rage and told me he has enough of my stupidity (never mind he was the one who made the mistake) and he is dumping me. This looks final as I have never seen him so clear in his statement. He warned me not to contact him and it’s been four days since. I did some goggling on the net seeking help on how to manage my broken heart and stumbled into the meaning of narcissim. It was so eerie as he fits in all the symptoms ands more. I have now a name to his crazy behaviour, understand he never loved me and used me.
I realise I am a victim and as much as I mourn for the love I have for him, feel stress and trying so hard to break off my addiction, I know I cannot beg him to come back to my life. This time he seems so final so I don’t know if he will expect me to call him back. In fact, he thinks I will but I am not sure if he will take me back. But I don’t want to go back to a life of hell. I don’t need revenge or the satisfaction of making him suffer or miss me or be the one to dump him. I should just be glad I have a chance now to have a good life.
Lucky I did not get into any business schemes with him and lost More money. He is rich but has a grandiose opinion of himself far beyond what he actually is. He perpetually has court cases against people but oddly, when he loses some of the cases, he doesn’t seem perturbed almost at peace.
I keep myself busy. Read a lot of articles on narcissit and it reminds me how lucky I got away. I changed the lock to my home and I am trying to have the strength to change my phone number too. Why do I feel so reluctant? I know I am still weak, in love with a fictitious devil and I cannot even think of going back to him. I know I am in danger like an addict unable to give up her toxic poison but at least I know he is a mentally deranged person and I have to be glad I was dumped so that I can move on. I feel distressed thinking of the idolised person he was (the fake) and that’s when I feel love but I know he is non existent. I miss the intimacy and then I have to remind myself its only on my side, not his. In fact, he was mastubating with himself when he made love to me and that’s why he wanted total lack out in the bedroom otherwise he can’t perform.
I could go on but I am sure my story is all too familiar. Just remember the loving person he was, does not exist. He is a monster and it creeps me out to think I have been with one for so long. I don’t think I dare to be alone with him anymore. I want to disappear from his life. I don’t care if he misses me or not or is preying on others, as I just want to move on.
Dear Fanny:
I am so sorry that you have been abused in this way.
What if you and I entertain a “What if” scenario for a few minutes? Okay?
Let’s say that you have a really dear friend who has been in a “relationship” for a good many years.
You have seen how miserable she is and you have worried for her safety and well being for many years.
She may not have confided every detail to you, but you sense that she has suffered through some pretty horrific things that are not apart of Normal male/female relationships.
Now she has told you even more details and the man she loved has “dumped” her.
She is sitting on the fence about what to do. Should she try to win him back? Should she try to contact him to apologize for all the “things she did wrong” again?
What would you say to her?
I hope your answer to “her” is the answer I am going to give you.
Run girl – RUN!
Change your phone number, do it tomorrow if you have not already done so. Change your email – transfer eveything to your new address, all the emails you want to save – contact your friends on the new address. Once you have their responses delete your old email.
Do not answer any email from the N.
Don’t answer phone calls, text messages, Nothing.
Be glad, be VERY VERY glad that he has discarded you. It is not easy to feel that way, being thrown away like an old tissue. Seriously, you’ve been verbally abused for 7 years – recovery is going to take time and you are going to have to reclaim your self esteem.
Reconnect with your friends – Call your children!
Don’t call him back! Who knows whether he expects you to, but you aren’t going to. Do you want to contact him only to have abuse you again? He will punish you for contacting him. Just forget that he even existed – because truly they forget us in a heartbeat.
Be very very thankful.
It is time for you to take care of you.
Read my post called Missing Pretend Guy.
ES
Hi ES!
In your reply to Fanny, you mentioned a “normal male/female relationship” and I was wondering if you could possibly tell me what that would consist of!
I was married to my ex-N for 23 years and was 27 when we met (he was 21!) and I basically watched him ‘evolve’ into the full blown Narcissist that he is today and had to deal with every change that he (we) went through…so now, at 57, I truly have NO idea what a “normal male/female relationship” is.
My parents fought a lot and bickered ALL the time and it was obvious there was NO love involved in their marriage. So I don’t even know what a good relationship is. Or if it’s even possible. I have wonderful ‘fantasies’ of what I would like it to be, but I really don’t think it’s attainable.
With the divorce rate closing in on 60% (and that doesn’t even count all the relationships that people are in WITHOUT that legal piece of paper)…I am not seeing that people are even trying to make relationships work. This has become such a me-me-me/selfish world…..is everyone turning into Narcissists?
I’ve decided that I just don’t have the strength/courage to even attempt another relationship because I know I could not take another failure or another blow to my heart or psyche. But being so alone/lonely is taking it’s toll as well. I now trust NO ONE. Any thoughts?
Dear Sharon:
In my case, the Narcissist was a “friend” and not a legal binding relationship like a marriage. My trauma was from the fact that I have never in my life had a “friend” abused me like the N did. This even goes for those mean little junior high school girls – no one has ever been as abusive as the N.
I’ve been married for over 30 years now – so your question has stumped me.
What does a normal relationship consist of?
Give and take, communication, love, humor, caring, selflessness, team work, that look of “Okay you take this question (from the child) I’ve battled with him/her all day”, “Honey, I am taking the boys to the park, races, (motorcycle) etc, you look like you need a break.” Communication, silence, laughter…yes, I said silence…sometimes that is okay too.
ES
I was engaged to man with NPD until 3 months ago.. he is not only a family friend but had been my friend for the past whole decade during which he would disappear for a year or 2 and then reappear out of nowhere. I never really cared much back then since I took him more as a family friend, not a real friend. I enjoyed his company thoroughly and we would connect on the phone for hours and he would always be a gentleman, great listener, intellectual and witty. Over the years I did come to realize that he was pompous but it never bothered me much since he was only an on and off friend. He would come back into my life at his own convenience. Sometimes he would call me after a year or 6 months and ask to meet up for dinner and I would politely decline. We never really met much in person until last year, 2011. Things completely changed last year. We had been out of touch for almost 3 years and he suddenly started texting and calling, asking to meet up. This time I showed resistance because I was apprehensive due to his disappearing acts. He admitted to doing that with old school friends as well and was a self proclaimed loner. He said he had the mind of a 50 year old even though he is 30 right now. He said he had to fill in his grandfather’s shoes at the tender age of 17 when he passed away and that made him mature beyond his years. I remember sharing my stories and personal stuff with him and he confided to me about his first love, saying that was the only time he had a serious relationship back in high school but had left her due to his newly added responsibilities (he wanted her back, but by then she was already seeing his friend or maybe even cheating from before.)
To cut a long story short, he comes into my life last year and suddenly started calling on a more regular basis. We started meeting up and he left no stone unturned to woo me completely. Even though I had reservations about a lot of things (he is an aspiring politician), I couldn’t help but fall for his kindness, gentlemanly behaviour and extreme affection, which he showered on me in the form of letters, emails, cards, chocolates.. The works for 3-4 months. He won my heart and proposed last August.. both the families were really happy due to the prior family connection we have had.
We got engaged in October and that is when he started behaving differently. He would flare up over little things, start shouting over the phone and hang up if I ever questioned or complained, sometimes when I was crying. He was not consistent and kind like he used to be. When he was calm and collected (when I was being docile and obedient), we would not have fights but the moment I wanted to know why he was being distant, he would start arguing or shouting. I was amazed at this change in behaviour. Everytime we would reach a deadlock, he suggested that our parents intervene and hear both sides of the story! He thought he was “always” right! He didn’t remain in touch with most of his old friends, admitted to having a low threshold for tolerance. He would hold onto grudges and past mistakes. hH didn’t hesitate to shout at his parents if he couldn’t have his way. It had started taking a toll on me during the 3-4 months we remained engaged. Everytime we had an argument (every 2-3 days), he would give me the silent treatment and stop calling or texting. I started doing the same for a while so that he would call me on his own. I realized that worked better! He would try to make it upto me whenever I was upset and mostly made me feel special only when I withdrew by getting desserts or sending sweet texts and once I would come around, he would go back to his normal, distant self.
I suggested breaking up many times and told him I couldn’t marry him like that but he would always convince me with cards and bouqets and say that he would never break off the engagement, that it was a life time commitment he made and the worst that could happen was that we would be unhappy together. Did I mention he did not want to tell me about his school friends,their names or talk about his personal life after we got engaged? He said he was very touchy about his friends. I was the one who shared everything with him. Not to mention he had this grandiose self image and thought very highly of himself (even though his only claim to fame is his grandfather’s name or his dad’s social standing) and did not want to associate with anyone he thought was not up to his level. He hasn’t achieved most of his goals in 30 years and has all these grand plans that he talks about. He has zero tolerance for mischievous kids saying his grandfather raised him in a strict disciplinarian way so he didn’t like such kids. He is very close to his mother and would share everything with her.
Finally it ended when we had this one argument where I kept having to listen to him pointing out all my flaws, that nothing made me happy, I complained all the time, I acted crazy. He hung up on me while I was crying and switched his phone off. I begged him to call me back and when he did, I told him maybe we should take a little break and figure out what we both really wanted, to which he said, “you like playing games with me!”
I retaliated in anger and he hung up on me and started ignoring me. He met me twice after that (he had committed that he would come to my office while my partner was away) but remained distant and didn’t talk much. He dropped me home one last time and that day I remember telling him to either talk and figure out a way to our problems or just end it amicably. He cried in front of me and said he would never take the ring back as he designed it himself with a lot of love. He said he needed more time to think and would meet me in a day or two. The day he promised to meet me, he just disappeared and stopped taking my calls and just texted to say “Can’t talk, out of town”
I got panicky and dialed his dad’s number to ask where he was. His father said he had gone out of town for a day. He handed over the phone to his wife, who spoke to me over an hour voicing all the concerns she had about her son and me being together and sounding pretty unhappy about us. I just told her to give us time to talk it out and she said he will contact me. He never did.
His parents showed up at our house to speak to my parents 3 days later. His mom put the blame on me that I wanted to call it off because I had called and sounded unhappy with her son and complained about his temperament and hanging up the phone.
My father knew they were putting the blame on me and he didn’t take it lightly and he started criticizing my X instead, in front of his parents. You can imagine how he must have taken it?! They left that day.
He deleted me from his facebook without even a goodbye. I emailed him 2 months back apologizing for my father’s attitude and asking him to meet me. He never replied or called.
My friend called him last week to ask him if he wanted to give it another chance but he told her he “didn’t feel the same way and wished me well.” He said “I tried my best but she didn’t value me at all and she was the one who always wanted to break up.” He didn’t even want to call me one last time or have the balls to admit that he didn’t want to marry me anymore. Now I still have his ring. I discovered now that has all the characteristics of NPD and I have been suffering these past 3 months taking all the blame for everything.
I now realized he might never have loved me. How could someone move on so quickly, when they said they couldn’t ever live without you?! I want to return his ring but how do I do that when the man doesn’t even want to speak to me?
I would really love to hear from anyone who has insight into my situation.
Dear Femme: I don’t know if you will think I have insight or not, to your situation, but I say: Keep the Ring -And when you need money sell it on Ebay to the highest bidder. That money will only be a drop in the bucket to compensate you for the crap that you had to put up with.
ES
Thank you for the advice Elisse. I have been following your posts and I must say it has been very enlightening to read your blog and the experiences people have shared. I discovered about Narcissists very recently and I am still confused whether my ex fits the description.
A part of me keeps thinking he must be genuinely hurt due to the way my father spoke. I do feel guilty about that. I also hold myself responsible for the breakup. Maybe if I hadn’t called his parents in his absence, things would have been different today. Is it possible he is ignoring me due to the humiliation his family faced when they came over? That’s what he said to my friend, that he never wanted it to end and they only came over to talk, but my father jumped to the wrong conclusion. I do know for sure his mother didn’t want to go ahead, she voiced some major concerns about our relationship over the phone but I know he wanted to go ahead. He always told me he wouldn’t end the engagement no matter what. I think his mother had an undue influence on him.
What I don’t understand is, why he did not speak to me even once to clarify things? I have been blaming myself and my father for the way it ended. My father is even willing to make amends just for my happiness but he doesn’t know that I emailed and got no response. I did think of breaking up many times but never wanted to lose the friendship I had with him, which spans over a decade. We shared some very good times. I now feel so lost and depressed over such an abrupt ending to something so special. I have no closure and feel that maybe I should write a goodbye note wishing him well with or without the ring. Please advise.
Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately, I did not run. So stupid of me but I think God is giving me a second chance. My Narcissist male called me asking me to meet him and I told him NO as I think his idea of a breakup may be a good idea. He was really desperate and used the fact that he had my car with him as a excuse to keep in touch ( he was helping me to sell my car) . As I had to communicate with him about the documentation of the car, we kept in touch through emails but I left town to be away from meeting him. Eventually, his tactic to slowly win me over began to work and I agreed to meet him today. Being a typical Narcisssit, he Immediately instructed me to run some errands for him before meeting him and during the phone instruction he lost his temper again and called me ” fucking stupid” and hung up. That’s basically what he does everyday ie give me a list of menial errands to do and keep calling me “stupid”.
Yes. I am stupid for still loving him and thinking of going back to him. But it’s interesting for me to note that I now can predict his actions easily and I can hear word for word what he say and understand the mind of a mentally sick person at work. He thinks he is manipulating me but I realise now what he is doing. I told him I have been away to reconnect with my old self and i am a strong person who doesn’t intend to change.
I am no longer feeling tortured or distressed whenever he raged at me and I will no longer stand for it. I do feel empty, sad because I love him but I know I won’t be a doormat anymore. I can see this relationship ending as unlike some, I know 100% he is a narcissist and I can’t stand the exploitation and abuse anymore.
Dear femme fatale,
Take it from me. You don’t need to understand his action. As he is not normal but a psychologically deranged person. Just read up on all the articles of a Narcisssit and than you will realise how predictable he is/was. You don’t need to blame your Dad for being protective of you. You should thank your Dad. You don’t need to blame your fiancé mother too because your fiancé is an Adult and is more than capable of making his own decision. I have been through all this. Self denial, blaming myself, sacrificing myself and yet, it was never enough. If anything else, the abuse just got worse. If you know him longer, he will get even worse and isolate your friends and family from you.
You are lucky to escape. He was come back in a year or two but you should make sure you do not respond. Don’t waste your life. You had a close shave and you should move on. I am trying to do the same too because I know my N never loved me even though he was very good a pretending to. How can a person who love us treat us this way? Think about it
Femme Fatale,
#1 Do not blame yourself or your dad for any of this; you have done nothing wrong. Your ex smacks of narcissist on every level. It was very helpful to me to learn about them and their tactics – glad you are doing the same.
#2 Keep the ring! Better yet, sell it. That ring represents the good you ascribed to him. He isn’t that guy!! I had to repeat that for weeks about mine: nothing about him was real (including how he felt about me unfortunately). Start detaching from the image you had of him as this good guy/your fiance. He treated you terribly; that is not what good people do.
#3 I agree with Fanny, do not connect with him ever again, especially when he calls you – which he will because it fits the pattern. It sounds harsh, I know. Just put yourself back together and move on. You will find a nice guy who will treat you kindly in a REAL way, with real emotions and concern, not simply shower you with little treats but emotionally disturb and ultimately desert you.
Best wishes and stay strong, you will get through this and be better for it.
Please listen to Grateful – hers is very good advice.
ES
Thank you Fanny and Grateful for the advice. I am slowly but surely accepting the situation for what it is. I have moved on to the anger stage. I feel terrible about writing him such a long, emotional email in which I tried to make it up to him by putting him on a pedestal. That surely must have given him infinite power and control. The heartless man that he is, he didn’t even acknowledge it. I had asked him to meet me and figure out a solution to our problems or just part on an amicable note. I was prepared either way, just not prepared for the cold, bitter silence I received from his end.
I had decided I would never contact him again but then two months later, I was stupid enough to let my friend talk me into calling him. She or rather we thought he was still hurting from the blow he received by being criticized by my father in front of his parents. (My dad called him on his lie that he never went out of town in the first place) He remained quiet then, out of respect for my father whom he had been very fond of, since he was a child. He took it all out on me by blocking me on facebook, not responding to my email or even calling me once to clarify things. He had probably decided he wanted to call off the engagement which is why he had disappeared in the end like he always used to.
My friend tried to convince him to talk it out with me once but he kept telling her how it would be inappropriate now that the elders were involved. He said I would twist his words and make him look bad. The worst part is my friend told him that I still have feelings for him and am wearing his ring (much to my displeasure). He said “she is responsible for the way things ended, I never wanted to call it off and we could have reconciled that day if Uncle hadn’t jumped to the wrong conclusion”. Actions speak louder than words though. She handed over the phone to me in the end and I told him it was my friend’s idea to call you, I am not looking to patch up but just want to end the engagement gracefully, to which he said ” I have maintained my grace by not speaking badly of you in front of the elders even though you complained about my temperament. You told them I shout and hang up, but never told them what makes me do that”. He was cold, distant and indifferent. I asked him why he was so bitter and if he hated me. He said ” I don’t hate people”. He had the audacity to say that. The call ended without a goodbye.
If I keep his ring now, it would give him the satisfaction that I am still waiting for him to come around. He always said he wouldn’t take the ring back, that he designed it with a lot of “love” for me. I am sure he is already feeling elated by my helplessness. I don’t need money from the ring. I want to save my pride. I have never felt so humiliated in my life.
I sent him a text that night saying “I made the biggest mistake by trusting you and falling for your empty promises. Can’t believe I was engaged to a stranger. I am glad we spoke today, against my better judgement and I got to know the real you. Good luck and goodbye.” Did I do the right thing?
I can make my father return the ring but I would prefer sending it to him directly through registered mail. That would cause a blow to his fragile ego after the boost he has received at my expense lately.
Fragile ego my “patootee”! He’s an N.
SELL the ring and save the money for a rainy day. Do not return the ring to him via your father – it will only be more humilation for you, not the N. Sell it – get as much money as you can for it and then put the money in the bank.
And, whatever you do, don’t let some “well-meaning” friend talk you into contacting him again. Every time you have contact with an N after they have ended it, the contact just makes you more and more worthless in the N’s eyes. Not to mention the fact that it sets you back to Square One in the very long healing process.
Femme – Remember No Contact!
ES
Thank you ES. I have absolutely no intention of contacting him again. It’s just that the engagement status has been pending because we never called it off officially so I thought it would be necessary to return the ring, but he could have initiated that too. Infact I totally regret the email I sent, although I have to say the phone call proved to be a blessing in disguise. I was completely in denial till I heard him speak, the way he did. Typical N behavior of projecting all the blame on the other and taking no responsibility, demonstrating zero emotional maturity. It hurt my pride but was definitely an eye opener for me!
Till then I was living in an illusion that he was hurt and missing me. I just found out through a common friend that he has become very active on facebook post our breakup, joining new groups left, right and center (he was never into fb in the 5 years, I was on his friend list) He still has the engagement picture on his display, it’s a solo though.
It has been liberating to read all the articles about these emotional vampires. It has been a closure of sorts. I have started collecting myself and taking care of me. I have lost 10 pounds in three months and I was always thin. Moreover, I also suffered losses in my new business venture, just really bad timing I reckon. It’s alarming what extent of emotional and physical harm these Narcs are capable of inflicting on us victims. I have heard these are withdrawal symptoms?
Hoping to recuperate soon and wish everyone a speedy recovery.
Glad you have no plans to contact him –
It is for the best that you are away from the craziness.
Kepp counting your days of NC – it really helps – it gives you a sense of accomplishment.
In response to Femmefatale:
This sounds so much like my now ex N. I was with him for almost two years, we lived together for a total of five months on and off and he drove me completely insane. I hardly left the house to go anywhere, everything that went wrong in his life was always my fault. He drank 6-8 beers on a daily basis when we were living together and somehow to him it was my fault. Money was always a big issue for him, always complained he never had aby but yet on the other hand bragged to his friends that he is never broke and he is a manager while his position at work is forklift operator. I never meant anything to him, I was just his primary source of supply. While we were living together I got pregnant but I had a miscarriage due to all the emotional stress that I was going through with him. while I was pregnant I got really sick to the point where I had to be hospitalized, he refused to take me to the hospital. I had to take a cab and he never showed up at the hospital, instead he texted me really nasty messages about how much everything was my fault, how much he never did anything wrong to me.
He tried to get me to leave one weekend, later I found out that he wanted me to leave so that he can have another female come over for that weekend and how much he wanted to get her pregnant to trap her, the same thing he wanted to do to me. First he wanted me to have his child then he changed his mind back and forth all the time.
Anytime we had a conversation he always had to have the last word and he always had to be right if I dare said he was wrong then he would go crazy. He claimed that I was crazy, he tried to pull me away from my friends as well as my studies. He wanted me to quit my studies and use the money to take care of him. He insulted me in so many ways and treated me like a stale loaf of bread. One week he will be all nice and loving, then the next week he will be filled with rage anger and always impatient. He was never wrong in anything according to him. People who he didn’t even know, to him they are stupid, simple because they don’t drive the way he thinks that they should drive.
We had an argument once and he threatened to physically harm me if I didn’t shut up. I got scared and I shut up. lol! Unfortunately he was the one who did the dumping simply because he found new supply perhaps someone with money to feed to him until he gets bored with her. We haven’t had contact for about a week now and I hope it stays that way. Because of what he put me through I am now angry, hurt and bitter i have little self esteem left. But I hope one day iI’ll rid myself of those feelings. I am still venting and filed with so much hate towards him but yet somehow I feel empty and miss him. I have no intention of contacting him ever again.
In fact he probably did me a favor by dumping me. He always played mind games then said it was my fault.
Hi.
This is my first visit to this site, but I need to impress on you: “The point of No Contact is not to make the narcissist crazy with longing for you …”
Yes. The point of NC is to have NO CONTACT with a malignancy. EVER AGAIN. Like some cancers, it needs to be cut out. Period.
If you want to use NC as your own mind game, perhaps for revenge, you are looking for trouble. The narcissist is much better at mind games than you are and YOU WILL LOSE THE GAME.
Accept the fact that, for a narcissist, you are a prey animal. If the prey disappears, he/she will look for other prey without a thought for the animal that escaped. He/She does not miss you and will never miss you. He/She will only contact you if he/she is running low on narcissistic supply and if he/she perceives you as being available for a spot of vampirism. The fact that your unavailability then drives him/her up the wall, should be immaterial to you.
For YOU, NC means survival – not revenge or validation or anything else.
Get out, stay out, and simply do not be available.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is harsh. I have been there with my sister and we have had to remove her children from her. She was that bad. Currently, we simply refuse to even reply to an email from her asking after the welfare of her children because we understand that her supply is running out and she is trying to emotionally blackmail us into making her previous supply (the children) available to her. She cares nothing for the children apart from viewing them as a tried and tested source of supply.
We are a few years down the line and the children are fine. For us, NC means healthy and well-adjusted children – not the pathetic little bundles of fear-filled flesh and bone we had to re-mother from scratch. For the children, NC means normal childhood and a shot at a good life.
You may say that we have no “right” to keep her children away from her. I say go jump in the lake. I do not leave bottles of ant poison in reach of little children. Why should I expose them to poison, not in a bottle, but in the form of a human being?
Dear Angry Aunt: You do not sound harsh at all, only truthful.
I say good for you for taking your nieces/ nephews away from the human form of poison and keeping them safe – I applaud your efforts and give you a standing ovation!! I have close experience with re-mothering a harmed little bundle of humanity – I think what you did was brilliant. Bravo.
It would be my prayer for these little people that someday they know what you did for them and that they “rise up and call you blessed…”
ES
I am almost a year and a half in to No Contact with my ex N ! It has been a uphill climb at times but I can share this with you all, it is wonderful to finally know who “you” are again. If you continue to learn about why you continued these realationships, Finally learn to really let go and then Get good and ANGRY, I used to have to have a pillow fight with myself literally weekly, I would beat the crap out of every pillow on my bed, FLUFF em up some it helps and it helps let the emotions of deep angry out before it can fuel itself into Rage, do whatever you can to feel your own emotions, After any length of time these people drain you so you don’t even understand your own feelings and emotions. God bless you all……. I wish you well and look up.
Looking up
Prayer always helps!!
Congratulations to you Cookie.
ES
I was with someone for 10 whole years – (since high school). The plan was the after graduating we would get married and we were madly in love.
Well. I was anyhow. (But I am only realising this now. Anyhow, I digress.)
Anyhow, my now ex is Muslim and was taken abroad and whilst there forced into a marriage – his dad was dying and he was also beaten (confirmed by our friends)
I had had no idea until 2 days before he was due to board the plane – he had been more and more clingier with me and I had been more in love.
He then drops this bomb shell on me and the flies off.
In the meantime his friends told me that they had offered to support him and he said he couldn’t shame himself, and also that I was not good enough for his family as my uncle is serving time. Note, this is my estranged uncle who I have met ONCE as a baby.
We stopped talking once I learnt that he had gotten married. In this time I sank into depression – wouldn’t get out of bed all day, didn’t look for a job after finishing my final exams.
About 5 months in I was suicidal but I started to heal with MASSIVE support from my friends – I’d remember how the first time we had been intimate he had sneered at my flab (I was a little podgy) and how when we would talk for hours and hours and hours every night it was always about him and his problems and aspirations – I didn’t mind then. Or we’d be planning how we’d celebrate his birthday where he’d get lots of presents off me.
I started to heal and accept he was gone, he had died and that I needed to live.
AND THEN:
He contacted me 6 months later saying he had been forced and was suicidal… I was all in a turmoil and I told him I forgave him etc.
He said that he was getting divorced as he hadn’t gone near the wife and stayed true to me – I told him that if he felt she was someone he could like he should at least try, but if not then he needed to get out of there fast – he told me he had done, and whether I would consider marrying him.
I agreed – I was so happy! He was so attentive and so sweet he had not been like this to me for years. He said he regretted taking me for granted and I made him so happy. I was in the clouds.
The plan then was to wait a few years till his divorce became old news in his community before reintroducing me and I understood this. However, it seemed the cracks started to resurface as he wouldn’t ever call at night saying he sleeps in the same room as his brother who did not approve of him talking to girls so soon after the divorce etc.
The calls dwindled but we met up loads, but it was like he would blank me out, and when my grandad passed away he just couldn’t care less – when he did call me most of that chat was about his problems with work…
I was starting to break again – not breakdown as I had my job, but it was like I was hardening and backing away from him as he was hurting me again and again. But I kept thinking I’ve invested so much time in him and I know he is the guy I fell for deep down, and I need to keep trying. I even apologised as he made me think all our problems stemmed from the fact I was always busy working.
So, A month ago, 5 days before our 10th anniversary I rang him only to have a girl answer with you b**** – confused, I asked who she was and why she was shouting at me – she was his wife who he had NOT divorced, who had a BABY with, and who was calling me a whore… She passed the phone to him who then proceeded to scream and swear at me too – with an anger I had never in 10 years realised he had had (I had never given him any cause to be angry with me)
Grief is not the word anymore. There is self loathing and guilt. I am the other woman. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror. I deserve all the hate I can get.
Can I just say though had I known for one second he had stayed married and was happy I’d not have gone near him despite the fact that he was actually my partner first.
I don’t have any anger towards him or her – she did not know just like me, and she has a child as well.
I just wish I could die, because since the age of 14 I have been dreaming of forever with this man…..
Also just to add when I was being screamed at by her and then by him (pretending I was some stalker girl) I went along with it – I kept quiet and I didn’t say he had been with me 10 years, or that I had had no idea, or that he had betrayed her or so on – I didn’t want to stoop that low and I did not want to wreck a marriage now that I knew this was the scenario … I apologised to her when she told me to stop harassing her husband and then put the phone down.
Just goes to show you don’t ever really know anyone, no matter how close you think you are. And I like what you said about your karma being how you react to something… I think that I behaved here as best as I could as I truly had NO idea.. even when I would look through his phone there had been nothing suspect. There was no baby seat in his car NOTHING.
He has tried calling me – I emailed him once saying he was scum, and that not to worry, I would not open my mouth as I had not over the phone. Since then he has said in an email he was trying to save his ass by lying – he had lied to me because he didn’t know how else to keep me and that he loves me only and was made to get married by his parents, he has always been neglected and only ever received love from me and now the wife but I had always cared more than she does – even his attempt to woo me back was about his needs.
How do I move from this – because I’ve read and read and realised he is a Narcissistic – maybe I am a co-dependant type having made excuses and ignoring suspicions of him cheating way before this marriage.
How does someone do that to someone they accepted – I really thought he had divorced.
I have since found out from a friend who I asked to find out from someone else (I would never have snooped on him before but now I just needed answers) that apparently according to his sis-in-law he HAD been unhappy refusing to acknowledge his wife for a year, but then he sorted it out and they’d been together since. Maybe he at that point realised he could have his cake and eat it too.
The only thing helping me at the moment is prayer, and the fact I remained as dignified as I possibly could in the end.
Apologies for the dissertation.
Sara
Dear Sara: Don’t apologize for the length of your comment. I know from experience that sometimes when we getting started telling our stories, it is hard to know where and when to stop. there is just so much to say and once we start “putting pen to paper” we realize what a crock of horse poop the N has been shoveling at our feet all these years.
You have really been through all the Narcissit’s games – Wow! I know you knew about the “other woman” but what a way to find out about the baby!
I am so sorry that you lost 10 years waiting for this man.
It is pretty apparent by your comment: he HAD been unhappy refusing to acknowledge his wife for a year, but then he sorted it out and they’d been together since. Maybe he at that point realised he could have his cake and eat it too.
The Baby is a strong indication that he has been “enjoying lots of cake.” Sorry. 😦
It would be best to go NC and begin your life a new.
ES
Also just to add that he justified not telling me about this marriage right till the last minute because he needed me in this hard time of his and felt if I learnt the truth I’d leave him – and then he swanned off with little consideration of how my world would then crumble once I realised what had been done.
When he contacted 6months later he justified it all blaming our friends, his brothers everyone… his own weakness at not being able to deny his ill father until I felt guilty and stopped mentioning it. He would constantly refer to the fact “you’ve been to hell and back for me’ with a wondrous tone, which to me felt like he realised how much I loved him.
Everytime I made to leave him later because of his treatment of me (cold at times, and lack of care and ignoring me time to time he would desperately do whatever it took to not let me go.) He would worry I might find someone and would always mention this, and would always say I’m never letting you go, and at times you’re getting old now, who will want you. This would baffle me as how could he even question me even looking at someone else – but I guess in his mentality he was doing more than looking with someone else…
I feel and even now very ensnared – like I am clawing my way out but am unsure which direction I am going. I do not want to talk to him, I do still miss him so so much, but all this time he has been with someone else, he has a child… he is a liar, no matter how much he tries to make out like he didn’t want it to happen, he clearly is happy and he has destroyed me without even caring or realising the effect his actions would have on me.
Also the reason I didn’t learn any of this any sooner was as soon as we patched things up I stopped talking to his and our mutual friends because I am dumb and believed him when he said they had told him I was crazy. He also stopped talking to them – totally wrote them off. I’ve been so blind…
Yes, it is time to open your eyes and realize that he’s an N and you are well to be rid of him. So sorry this has happened to you.
ES
ES – Thank you so much for replying to me – it feels so nice that I’ve shared my problem finally….
But honestly I did not know about the other woman at all – I thought he had divorced her and she had gone back abroad…
Only then did I get back with him from my understanding…
I just don’t understand why if I “loved him more than the ‘OW'” he didn’t just end the marriage he was forced into and marry me because I was literally his slave. He even said in the last conversation with real regret in his voice: she doesn’t love me as much as you do, she doesn’t worry or care.
And also why is it if he chose to commit to her he continued with me as I even said to him at the time, listen if you feel you can accept her please do so – I will not be angry or upset as whether it was forced or not it has happened, and you need to think of her – I will not have any anger to you nor will I bother you again. But he said he has divorced.
He now says the reason he lied was because he didn’t want to lose me, but why continue a relationship – he has been ‘cheating’ on both of us the whole time….
I guess I wonder why I was not good enough.
Last time he left I hurt because I was younger, and he was my love. This time I am older and know he is a narcissist, its a good thing I didn’t marry him. It’s just I feel so used and hate the fact I have been in a triangle – everything that was screamed at me I fully deserve and I just don’t know how to get back from this…
God bless you for using your own hurt to help others ES
Dear Sara: Again, so sorry that you’ve been involved in this “relatio N ship.”
The lying, manipulation, lying…that is all a part of who an N “is.”
You should also know that Narcissists are REALLY good actors. The Entertainment biz is full of them…..
Your N could probably have won an award or at least a nomination for his “voice full of regret.”
First of all, you must not get into the thinking that “why I was not good enough.”
You were just fine – you were better than fine. You had all the qualities that the N wanted – he saw them in you and planned to mimic what he saw in you. It is simply what they do. Think – “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” Rent the movie. N’s only seem to go after the really nice people. (Note to self, reign in the kindness level a few notches…)
As for you saying: “everything that was screamed at me, I fully deserve”
No, you didn’t. Everything that the N does wrong he/she projects back on their victim.
You really need to be No Contact if you are not already.
Taking care of your self and starting over is what you must do.
Recovering from 10 years of your life is going to take time.
All the best to you
ES
The sad and traumatic thing about relationships with narcissists is the victims more or less can relate to 99.9% of what each other go through in this crazy and tragic one sided love affair. Yet, despite being strong, independent people we are trapped and can’t seem to get away or forget. Despite all the abuse, we beg the narcissists to take us beg and NO CONTACT is almost impossible to follow. It’s like an addiction. Just looking at the other side, we can see the life line of happiness yet crossing over is so difficult because we can’t seem to live without them. How else to describe this but to relate it like a drug addiction as there is no sense or logic to it.? I have been dumped for the umpteen time by my narcissist lover of 8yrs and my heart tells me to laugh and run but my behaviour is to hope, pray and wait for him to take me back although I have not yet resorted to begging him. He is brutal (as usual) telling me I am old and ugly and it’s my loss for standing up to his incessant unreasonable demands as considering my ugly looks, I am lucky he did not dump me 8yrs ago.
In so many cases, each victim display hope, ask questions ‘why?’ and yet, if we research enough on this pervert character of a narcissist, there is no answer as they are by nature brutal, selfish people who use and use and have no feelings for anyone but themselves. They control, rage, demand and are abusive. Yes, they can be charming just to get what they want. They blame you for anything and everything. I am a poor reflection of the person I was 8yrd ago but I am not beaten and I want to move on and be free. Yet….. I can seem to shake off the addiction and hope. I know I should run but why am I still hoping???
For those of you who still have the strength to go, RUN as each time you stay, you become weaker and weaker. I hope he will let me go this time and certainly he seem quite ruthless and cutting so maybe I will get lucky.
I used to beg him to take me back because I didn’t realise or want to admit he is not in love with me. But now I know and I have not begged him the last few fights we had. So this time, as he is more adamant to dump me, maybe it will happen and I will be free. I know life without him will be much better for sure.
Forget your narcissist lover as they are not worth it. They were never in love with you and don’t be a fool like me.
Very wise advice Fanny. Thank you for commenting.
ES
I have now come to realize the gravity of the situation I was in. I went through 4 months of torture during the time I was engaged to him. He idealized me in the beginning and when he had won me over and gotten engaged to me, the devaluation started. Typical N behaviour of projecting all the blame on the partner and getting hot and cold. Its funny how their need for control pushes them to abandon their partner when they risk being dumped! He left me high and dry with no sympathy. He was my on and off friend of 10 years, always disappearing in the middle and reappearing years later at his own convenience. Only this time he had chalked out a plan to lure me into his trap for the long haul. It was carefully planned and cleverly executed and I was merely a prop in the whole game, disposed off at his convenience!
He has completely ostracized me from his life leaving me a mere shadow of my previous self.. the happy, healthy girl he met last year and now only remnants of that remain. He has destroyed my trust in men and I am afraid to date again, let alone get married. He has the audacity to tell people that I was an insecure, emotionally disturbed girl and that he went through torture while he was engaged to me. One of my friends added him with a fake id on facebook. He has been flirting with her and told her he never fell in love with his ex fiance, that’s me. He went on to say that I was the one who pursued him! That for him it was merely an arrangement and I manipulated him into thinking I was the right person for him. This coming from a man, who left no stone unturned to win me over, despite my resistance with long letters, empty promises and hollow tears! I am disgusted by the way he spoke of me. Such a sharp contrast from the gentleman he claimed to be.
A real man would never speak of his ex fiance in such a demeaning manner, considering we are family friends as well. He actually thinks he was never ever wrong! That it’s all my fault. He has absolutely no regrets. He said for him it was a happy ending and that he finally has his life back.
He claimed that I never trusted him but the truth is he used to spy on me and I have proof of that but never confronted him with it. I feel so sad for him. He has major trust issues but is pretending to be all secure! I gave him the satisfaction of being in control by emailing him after the breakup apologizing and trying to make it up to him. He was really not worth it.
The sad loser that he is, he admitted that he had never really fallen in love with any woman except maybe in high school when he “thought” he was in love cause he “thinks” he was heart broken only that one time. He said the remaining ones were all strong “attachments”. And yet, his search for the ideal partner continues.. what irony! I wonder how they can be such great actors and pretend to be perfect lovers when they feel absolutely nothing on the inside? The vicious cycle never ends, does it?
The cycle does end – it just takes time and NO Contact.
Don’t feel sad for him – he is not deserving of your sympathy.
If it were me, I would block him from my FB and I would block anyone who has contact with him. Those people are not your friends. Eventually people will figured out he is a liar.
A fake ID on FB is supposed to be illegal, although I don’t know how it would be policed.
ES
I am NC – 5 days now… I will keep posting (maybe monthly or something) because with each day I aim to get stronger and free of him. It IS hard – I have been ‘conditioned’ for lack of better word by his BS since I was 14 – I have known no other guy and I’ve always thought that to love is to feel constantly in pain and in turmoil, to sacrifice and to turn a blind eye to devastating comments.
I still have retained some amazing friends even though I have been lousy to them choosing him over them constantly and they’ve stuck by me.. I am blessed. I just want to live a little I guess and work out who I am as I don’t even know who I am as it is like (as pathetic as this is) I defined myself by him.
I am glad he has an OW and a baby because now I know no matter what he says I will never take him back – I guess now I know I won’t be drawn back in, and in losing him forever like this I feel quite slaphappy – it’s like nothing else can go wrong, it cannot get any worse.
I hope you stay well and keep posting as you are so inspiring and educating…
Thanks Sara.
Baby steps with with NC. Five days is fantastic and each day gets better.
It helped me to keep track, like when young children make a paper chain to count down the days to Christmas.
Your friends will be a real blessing to you at this time.
Take care of yourself, exercise, read a good book, remember to eat and keep hydrated.
This is your time to take care of you.
ES
Hey Sara, I read your posts and I can say I have a similar situation, please feel free to contact me. I am 2 weeks NC
Dear Dee: Thank you for commenting to Sara, she certainly has a great deal to process right now, and I understand that her situation “clicks” with you – However, for the safety & protection of all my readers I will not give out email contacts. I am sure you understand, it is for your protection as well. If Sara reads the comments here she is welcome to dialog with you.
I hope you are seeing progress with No Contact. Each day that I got through without having contact with the N, I crossed off another day from the calendar. I still counted the days that he tried to cross my path because he was the one trying to make contact.
Elisse Stuart
Hi Dee.. I am so sorry I did not see your response until now… I hope you are maintaining NC – I’ve realised the only way I can heal is NC – as every time he makes contact it is not only hindering my healing but it is harming me too… all I will say is educate yourself as much as you can because when you are keeping NC he will idealise you again.
Mine ‘accidentally’ bumped into me and I was trying to make a quick exit (so he would not have the pleasure of seeing my tears) – and he said I’d lost weight (yes, not eating does that to you) and I just told him how strange as I hadn’t. He kept trying to make me say something to show I was suffering so that he could then think yep, I’m that powerful I have someone pining away for me.
I said bye, and walked off, and he said if I managed to get a real divorce this time, would you take me back because I love you.
I stopped dead then, and turned around – I am so ashamed to say that despite everything this man put me through I became so full of hope it was painful – I asked him what he meant (had he gotten the ball rolling, had my absence made him realise he had made a mistake)
He just asked would you.. And i replied I don’t know… (because even though my answer was YES I didn’t want him to know)
and then I asked are you getting a divorce then.. and he said no, he had just asked me to see what my reaction would be and I had just proved I don’t love him…
Even now he just wants validation and NS from me! By saying I love him and would marry him even after ALL he did, would be his NS fix done.
I have no doubt he has forgotten me again but will try get some NS from again when he is running short.
Yes I did get hopeful for a minute, as though somehow I could block out everything I have been through. For that one minute I forgot he was a narcissist, and as such, he doesn’t even love me.
Dee, I would love to hear your story. What I find so heartbreaking is that for 10 years I loved and cherished someone who didn’t even exist.
I hope you are well Elisse. Thank you so much for all the insights you provide.. It has really helped my understanding.
I am not counting NC now as whenever we converse. I have not contacted him, and I have not tried to get him back.
I am trying to avoid him because I want to focus on my own wellbeing, and regrouping my life without him in it.
I can’t be who I was 10 years ago, I am no longer a 14 year old hopeful teenager. But I will get through this and so will you Dee.
Thank you for your message. xx
Hi
This is my first time posting. I can’t be 100% sure that the man I was with was an N but certainly many of the characteristics are similar. It was a one year relationship (if you even want to call it that). I went out there searching for someone to spend time with, get to know and hopefully turn into something more. Overall I felt confident, had a healthy self esteem and positive outlook in my life. I felt i was a good place. I met him online. He was sweet, attentive and came on pretty strong and looking back, perhaps even a little too quick. I was reserved at first not even sure I liked him. Something seemed a little too good to be true. I was flattered that he felt so strongly for me so quick but at the same time skeptical. I guess I wanted to believe that I had met someone that really liked me and that we were on the same page. At first it was texts all day throughout the day. We finally met up in person and then our first date. He went all out and took me to a nice dinner, opened the doors and bought me these gorgeous flowers that looked more like something you would see at a wedding. Either way– I said to myself give this guy a chance. Why question why someone is liking you and wanting you. Needless to say I would have never have imagined what I was getting myself into. Within a short while the lies started. It seemed actually that lieing was more like the “norm” for him. At first it was why i couldn’t get a hold of him (he was working late) than it seemed as though the more I felt insecure because he started giving less and less the more insecure I became. He was extremely selfish. Always talking about him, his problems etc. Never really asking questions about me, how my day was going etc. At times I got this eerie feeling as if there wasn’t someone really “there”. He certainly knew what to say though but his actions never matched his words. He would be quick to say one thing and later on say the complete opposite. He would even include me in future plans but never followed through with them. Things just felt so bizarre. I never knew where I stood with him. I couldn’t even ask because he would quickly deflect the question, ignore it or simply changed the subject. It seemed whenever I would ask for something or tell him how I was feeling (example: I need to hear you tell me how you feel about me or express to me a bit more that you miss me etc..) he would in my face tell me that he would and the next minute or opportunity just revert back to his own ways again. How could I not have started to take it personally thinking that perhaps there was something wrong with me? He was so secretive, always keeping me at arms length with all these rigid boundaries and walls so much that he wouldn’t even tell me family names when he spoke of them. He would say my guy cousin, my girl cousin, my aunt this, or other aunt. I had no clue what was the big deal…its not like by telling me their first name i was going to somehow look for them.
The worst part was that whenever he would do something hurtful he could never admit to it. It was always that I misunderstood, mis-interpret it or he would simply say: Well this is just how I am. Everything and I mean everything was on his terms. There was no room for my feelings, how I felt. It always felt it was about him. Even when I would ask to simply cuddle he couldn’t appease me. It was almost as if the more I asked for something the less he was willing to give it. I felt invisible. I felt used. Like i was only there for his sake for his purpose– never felt a feeling of mutually care from him. Although he would have moments where he was kind– it made me think perhaps I was the one perceiving things incorrectly. I didn’t feel recipricocity from him. Instead of saying something like: I would like to see you, come over. He would simply say something more along the lines of: I’m planning on cooking dinner and if you have nothing to do, swing by. How loving is that? I tried my hardest to pierce through him. I was patient, I was kind, I was loving, I was understanding but I never felt as though he appreciated anything I did. I do have to say that he is a great father. He has a 5 year old son and with him he was so attentive, affectionate and constantly being worried about him. Not sure if this was just because again– his child also served as supply for him being that his son constantly told him: DAD you are the best!! etc
His lies were worse than what a 2 year old could come up with yet he believed them so much and stuck by them that I would feel I was the crazy one for not believing him. He took no responsibility ever for any wrong doing or for any contribtuions for the relationship not moving forward. Instead he would give excuses or tell me that I needed to calm down. That I would jump the gun and allow my mind to run with things (even though I knew I wasn’t). He was the type of person that would say the sky was green even if we were both looking at it and saw that it was clearly blue. He would somehow tell me that, no I was wrong. Needless to say this took a toll on me. It made me question myself so much, my sanity, my judgements, my instincts. He never insulted me or physically abused me but he twisted things around, lied, cheated and could stand there and act as if he did nothing wrong. The next day he would act as if nothing had happened or what we had talked about never occurred. There were even times he would say: I never said I would do that. Or I didn’t say that. For the most part, I felt crazy.
After a final incident where I felt so dis-respected and devalued I told him I didn’t want to hear from him again. I said: “Other than the $200 you still owe me, I dont want to hear from you.” His response was a simple “Ok no problem” as if I was yesterday’s garbage that could be easily discarded. No what’s wrong? Can we talk or anything just as if me saying leave me alone didn’t phase him one bit. I did get my money, thank God but what bothers me the most is that I sit here in pain and hurt over how easily I could be let go. He has no remorse, no empathy it seems. Not even an “I’m sorry”. He said thank you for letting him borrow the money when he needed it but nothing to acknowledge what it was that I was upset over….as if it didnt matter or it shouldn’t. His final words: “Thank you again, I wish you well GB” with a winky face at the end of it. As if to say: ” Well you’re the one that’s mad and you’re the one who wants this so…. I’m not going to show you in anyway that I am one bit upset over it. On top of that I’m not going to acknowledge at all what you could possibly be feeling. And yet because he said “thank you” I sometimes feel like well he must have SOME feelings if he is able to appreciate that. But perhaps that was just another manilpulative ploy of his or mask that he was showing.
I was a good person/friend to him. I feel so hurt. There are so many things I don’t understand about how someone can be so cold, so distant, so cruel not to think of someone else’s feelings.
My question is and perhaps because its still soon (maybe 3 weeks since I last told him to leave me alone) is why on earth do I still want or wish for this man to somehow look for me? It’s as though I need to know that I mattered. That I existed. That he somehow has feelings, that in fact things do affect him. I don’t know how to stop having the urge to want to contact him. I know he is full of lies, and how selfish and uempathetic he is but yet I still want to know that he cared. Was he an “N”?? I feel like I’m addicted in some way because my mind knows that he is toxic and not good for me but I feel at times as though I can’t go on or deal with this hurt. I feel l miss him and I know its crazy because what is there to miss? Someone who never recipricated, someone who everything was on their terms, who only took instead of gave. Someone who took advantage of me, lied and didn’t blink once when he was doing it. I guess I feel sad that I was not able to make a real connection with him. For some reason this hurts.
Is this normal? I dont even know if I could ever be the same again as I feel I have no trust even in myself, my judgement anymore. Is this what it feels like after having been with an “N”???
I would appreciate any feedback and help. I am hoping that in understanding more about what I have gone through it will help me to keep moving forward.
Thank you in advance this site has helped me a lot and glad that I found it.
Dear Lost: I am glad that you found my site too.
Wonder no more – you’ve been dealing with a classic N. If there was a textbook and syllabus for an N college course, your story would be the first example listed.
What you are feeling is normal.
The wanting to call him is normal – BUT don’t do it.
Missing the guy who you thought was real is normal. If you get a chance, read my “FAQ’s: Missing Pretend Guy.”
The ploy that he was such a good “father” is simply that. That little boy will only be of use to him while he is still a sweet loving little child. Just wait until teenager hood strikes.
(I speak from personal experience, I’ve had 3 teenagers and am still in the midst of it with the last one.) 🙂
Everything that is good and wonderful about you is what the N was after. You will get your self-esteem back, it will just take time. Be thankful that you were only “together” for a year.
That was “Gaslighting” – the saying one thing and then dening having ever said it. Read “Gaslighting: The Narcissist’s Game if you haven’t already.
The secretiveness, the blameing you for how you preceived things & your feelings…(gasp, N’s hate that other people have feelings.)
It seems like you were the one who was able to to do the “final discard” when you told him you “did not want to hear from him.”
Good for you! High five. When the N’s bad behavior is not enough to make us abandon him/her – they abandon their supply. In any case, they do act like they are just taking out the trash – they literally Do Not Care!
I am so sorry that you have suffered through this. I am still at the point where I wish I had never had the misfortune of making the N’s aquaintance….but I am pleased that I have been able to talk to so many people about their experiences and hopefully let them know it will be okay again.
Keeping reading here Lost and be sure to do things to take care of yourself.
ES
The best way out is to work very hard on your self esteem and self confidence and being dependent on a fake ‘love’ for a fulfilling feeling. When you start living a perfectly truthful life with yourself, making every day count in a positive way to yourself and the immediate world around, slowly but surely you will ‘loose’ him finally. Until that self growth takes place physical and mental distance is necessary. The key mantra is ‘u deserve better-far far better, your love was true-you would have ridden up to the end of the rainbow-he was not humn enuf.’ Even if it takes years, work on it…it IS like addiction and liKe any addict the begiining is always innocent-until suddenly our whole life seems to have been swallowed up. But all the negativity is temporary-you will get over it!
Willdoit” Thank you for sharing – very good advice.
ES
OMG ES and Lost! Mine wouldn’t tell me family member names either.. I found out anyway, but he would then squirm and act uncomfortable if I referred to them by name! Like I would go to a newspaper or something!
He would also twist things around to make it seem like I had imagined or blown out of proportion what he said he would do, so I felt crazy and possessive when I am not, and he also hated to hug and kiss, it was always about what he wanted! I always felt like asking him for a hug was harassing him!
As for him not physically or verbally abusing you I reckon it might be because you only were with him for a year, and didn’t live together. I was with mine for 10 but felt like I was scraping the surface of his slimy barrel still due to his secretive nature. You only know what someone is like when you live with them, and I’m lucky I didn’t live with him too and in the 10 years he hardly lost his temper (I never gave him cause to) but twice I saw hints of remorseless violence and a massive fury.
E.g. when I discovered he had an OW who he has been with for two years now, and she found out about me too due to me ringing him to ask him about some plans and her being there, he later called and he screamed at me ‘why are you ruining it for me?!’ not, I’m so sorry you’ve found out like this, or ‘I feel awful’ or any other thing you’d expect someone to say. Just pure maddened rage!
So you are lucky to get away when you did.
But too many similarities… Were we all dating the same guy?!
No, but these wackos seemed to have all used the same guidebook or graduated from the same alma mater.
My psychologist friend would say that it is just part of their mental illness’ operating system/software.
ES
I was with a Narcissist for nearly 3 years. It was a perfect relationship in the beginning, I thought he was the man of my dreams, got along with my family. My children moved out and it was just the two us and when anybody needed help he would volunteer. He was a care giver by profession and would tell everyone and anyone who would listen, interrupt when I was talking to brag about himself. Anything I could do he could do better. He hated it if people had more than he did. He would say he could get that even though he did not have much money. He resented me for not being able to work and yet he always said to me that he did not see disability because he was a carer. He only chose the caring profession, women think what a lovely caring man, because he cares for disabled people and his Dementia mother, it’s a praise thing. He could never maintain a job for long, he either got depressed, became ill which always turned out to be fake. I remember when it actually started going wrong, he started resenting my children and grand-children, he just wanted just the two of us and constant attention at the time I got quite sick. He told me that’s because I did not have enough faith in God, oh I forgot to say he made out he was Godlier than God. He found all the information he needed off me in the beginning, to make this false character I so desperately needed at the time, I had been in a 20 yr relationship prior with an Alcoholic, he seemed be my knight in shining armor. We bumped into each at first when I was waiting for my daughter who was late meeting me at the shops, I knew him when I was 18 so he was not a complete stranger. He use to be married to my ex husband’s cousin and he used to a rather pleasant guy then, but i never really knew him not really. When I got with him I was just happy to see someone I knew from the past because I had lost all my friends that I had through my former partner, because they disliked him. My daughter was late, so we went coffee, we started talking and I told about my 20 yr damaging relationship that i had ended and how I was going to rebuild my life and I told him too much information really, because he was all that I wanted in a man, he said he did not drink, take drugs, drove, just started a new job and a strong Christian. I started going to his church even though I am not an evangelist and going along with what he wanted to do and when i wanted to do something else he would agree but with much criticism and if I wanted to see my family he was resentful. He wanted me to move right away from my family so it would just be him and me, thank God I did not, he would have cheated on me and I would have been totally isolated. Then lies started and the not answering my calls or texts,fake illnesses, he was always changing his job, saying they cannot run the care home properly and that he was qualified than half of them, he had been a carer all his life for his 2 autistic brothers. His mother was backward and his dad was an alcoholic, but I have since found out his dad had Narcissistic traits and habitually cheating. I am so confused. he said I got rid of him, it such a petty disagreement over not seeing him as much and that the amount time he spent with me was hardly no time at all, he told everyone our love was so strong and yet he just replaced me as if I never relly existed. I feel so crushed and heartbroken, I did not know I had been replaced until I went to the house & saw he had already had another woman there and he phoned the police saying I was a stalker and he saved all the texts and there was a lot because I wondered what I had done and the police gave me an harassment warning to keep away directly and indirectly. Everyone is in total disbelief at what he has done. I don’t know if I will ever get over this.
Dear Anita: You WILL get over this, but it is not going to be overnight.
The N has done you a favor by leaving. It is difficult, but youd need to act like he never existed.
He played the stalker card, so you must, must abide by the law. Do not contact him or go to where you know he lives or spends time. Do not text or call him.
You’ve been involved with a very nasty N.
He has the law on his side and he will use it if you contact him.
The relationship is always wonderful in the begining but them quickly dissolves into some hellish extistence.
Spend your energies with your grand children. Stay far awy from the N.
Please let us know how you are doing.
ES
My ex sent me a text yesterday saying “I Miss you”. After approx 3 weeks of me ending things. It is so hard to not want to believe that perhaps this is meant with feeling. It just goes against all that we know as human beings. I have to sit here and remind myself that this man doesn’t have a real conscious, empathy, regard for others. I have to sit here and trick my mind and heart into believing that this is probably just a ploy for me to fall right back into the cycle again. Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic, a gluten for punishment, someone who believes in the good of others waaay too much. Someone who gives others the benefit of the doubt even when evidence has shown that to do so would be putting myself in the fire again. Perhaps he does have “some” feelings. Perhaps he is sorry? Perhaps he does miss me….. perhaps he doesn’t. How do I let go when I simply can’t? How do I convince my mind and my heart that he can “say” and “act” as if……….but it would only be temporary. That this is all a mask used to fool you into dropping your guard down only to be disappointed and let down again. I find it really really hard to make him understand that there is no reciprocity in this relationship. That it is all on his terms, about him , his wants, his needs– and that there is nothing for me. How can he wake up in the morning look at himself in the mirror and be ok with this? It is so hard to lift out of this fog and take off the rose tinted glasses. It goes against everything that i have ever learned. To be a good person, to care for others, to forgive, to trust, to give second chances, to be kind. But when it comes to these types of men you have to throw all of this out the window and almost go against human nature.
I have to keep reminding myself that he is a liar and he manipulates because all he is really after is what he can get, to have someone to satisfy HIS needs and not have to give in return. Do I want to be this woman? No. But I am not 100% ready to let go either. Does this cycle ever end? It’s an addiction, a bad habit that I know I need to break.
I miss the good in him. I just wish this was enough. Does he really miss me? Or does he just miss having control and right now feels out of control and is just looking to get his “supply” back.
I’m so sad, confused, lost and overall don’t know what to do.
Dear Lost: I am on my way out the door, late to an appointment, so more later. But for now –
CHANGE your cell phone so he cannot text you again! I know it is a hassle. I know you will have to contact all your real friends to tell them the new number, but you need to do this.
At the VERY least, go to the cell phone store near you and tell one of those “techie teenagers” that you’ve got a wacko stalking you and that you need one of them to show you how to block his number. They can do this fo you – Teenager/techno geeks LOVE doing stuff like this. Go TODAY! Promise me that you will do this!
Later –
ES
You’ve answered your own question – he misses having control, you were the “bad” supply who had the nerve to stand up for herself and tell the N off.
Please don’t contact him.
Have you at least blocked his number from your phone?
That he has texted you – This is a trick of the N. He is “hoovering” you – trying to suck you back in to the insanity. If you drop your guard he’s only going to show you another episode of Devalue and Discard.
I hope that you won’t lose the 3 weeks of NC that you’ve worked so hard for.
ES
To Lost:
I am where you are now, but my ex has found a new supply, to him I don’t exist and never did. Once they erase you, they erase you. It is such a shock. I am on anti-depressants and sleeping meds just to cope, they are not working though. I was with my Narcissist 3 years. It is a slow (recovery) process I hear.
Anita: Thank you for sharing with all of us.
If I can suggest, try getting some exercise at night before bed to induce sleep. If are reluctant to walk alone, I suggest taking a neighbor’s BIG dog with you. If you walk with someone you won’t get the benefit of the solitude of walking alone.
I wish that you did not have to take medications. Avoid caffeine and do something fun just for you.
ES
Dear Lost, I know it’s very difficult. Having been with my narcissist man for 7 yrs we had so many breakups and make ups most of which were induced by him and me begging him to take me back. I thought his extreme condition was a psychological problem but stupidly believed he love me nevertheless although I could never get over the constant verbal abuse, long periods of silence, rages and bullying. I was a virtual slave to him. But because I had position and money he was careful not to go over the line completely as he knew he had to show some tangible form of caring to keep me around. Besides, I was the best source he could find. After a major breakup scene, I was totally crushed by the cruel words he said asking me to get lost. In despair, I stumbled upon sites on narcissism and realised I have been deluding myself all this while. It is clearer to me now. He is a narcissist through and through. I realise he never loved me as how could he have treated me in such a manner if he had? He expected me to call him but I didn’t and he tried hard to win me around but twisted the words he said earlier to justify his action. Narcissist are masters in deceiving, in control and in being good at what they do IE sapping the energy, life of their victims. They are vampires and we become like addicts.
I know exactly how you feel and even as I know my life will be a lot more happier if I can break loose, like an addict I find it impossible to. I just wish he find another source and never call me as long as I am forced to break free from him as on my own I don’t know how. I tried but I couldn’t.
Do you want to be like me wasting my life and resource and risking my children’s happiness and losing my friends and having so much stress that I can’t sleep most nights? You don’t. The longer you stay the harder it is. So don’t be a fool like me and run for your life. The only way is make no contact as you can’t do it otherwise.
Dear Fanny 111 & Lost:
You CAN break free!
You just stop being the floor mat for the N.
You can stop the contact. Stop answering the texts, calls, door bell….do you see?
ES
Reading all this has been very sobering and heartbreaking. I was involved with a narc woman for a little over three months. It was such a whirlwind in the beginning, and then there was the hot and cold, the silence, the lack of empathy or interest for me, the insane self-absorption, the over-the-top vanity, the extreme irrational defensiveness over even a mild, gentle confrontation, the increasingly vicious digs at me and others, the entitlement, the condescending way she treated me, the thirst for power and control and, overall, exhibiting the vast majority of the signs I keep reading about over and over. I simply was used to enhance her image. It is so shocking and disappointing. I’m exactly what a narc looks for, very accommodating and there for every little thing. It’s going to take me time to process all of this. I never knew this was a profound condition. I just thought it was a label given to someone full of themselves.
Dear Burned: Yes, it is very heartbreaking and difficult.
It takes time to grasp the severity of the truth about N’s. It will get better, I promise.
ES
It has been a year and a half since my N of 8 years left me for good without even bothering to tell me! It took me two weeks to figure out he was dumping me and then, when I finally confronted him, he said very strange things, “you are the one who never wanted a relationship,” and ” you kicked me out two years ago, so I’m not dumping you,” even though we had been together the whole time. I immediately went NC, and proceeded to have a breakdown…months of constant crying, depression like I’ve never felt, etc. Because he is the father of my twins, now 6, occasional emails were necessary, and I remember him commenting about three weeks into it (one week for me!): “for lack of a better word, just get over it!” eight years and two children later and I was supposed to “just get over it”???!!! He was with someone else w/in a week, moved in with her 2mos. later and started playing the role of father-of-the-year (NOT!!). I limited visits with the kids, mostly because he had never given a rip about them before.
I guess what I want to know is: WHEN WILL HE STOP OCCUPYING SPACE IN MY HEAD?! I have read and re-read just about everything available about Ns. Even much of your stuff, ES, and find it comforting, eyeopening, and reassuring. I have maintained NC, aside from short messages about the kids, 99% of which are responses to him. He recently wrote, ” I don’t understand why you are so cold toward me. Everything would be easier if you would just be cordial.” I am not mean or bitter toward him, I just ignore him and am emotionless.
I have (mostly) reached a point where I don’t cry much, or feel emotionally distraught after seeing him for 2 minutes. I have made huge strides in gaining my own life back, feel motivated to make things better for me, and often feel genuinely happy to be able to have a peaceful daily life without him! Still, he is on my mind (in different ways, for different reasons), and I find myself, almost daily, searching for answers mostly via the Internet. I know he is gone from my life and will stay that way, even if he were to decide to try again to get me in his good graces. So why can’t I just let go. It feels like a virus that has permanently infected my brain. I want to be at a place where “Narcissism” isn’t on my mind constantly! Any advice would be so appreciated! Thanks!!!
Dear Lisa: I understand what you mean about occupying space in your head.
Just remember that you were together for 8 years, recovery takes time.
I was “friends” (I use quotation marks because truly we were never that, more like Host and Parasite) for roughly 19 months and it literally took years to recover from the “virus.”
(After I finished my reply, I thought of an analogy that I used to remind myself of: The remnants of the N are like walking into a spider web. You didn’t see it coming and then suddenly you’ve got these itchy, sticky fibers sticking to you. You smack the air and wipe down your arms and face, twitching and jumping around like a crazy person. Then, you ask the person next to you if they see the actual spider on your clothes or worse yet, in your hair!) Those thought and memories of the N, they can sneak up on you daily.
I thought that when I went NC that things would get better immediately. They didn’t. For a time the N was still in my environment while I was NC. I did everything in my power to avoid him and it seemed that he did everything he could think of to enter my space. Failing that he would appear in public which became far too frequent and stalker creepy.
Even after he was moved and then made redundant, he still slithered into my thoughts. I forced myself to return to the land of the living and tried to put him out of my thoughts but he still made daily appearances, at least only mentally.
I didn’t start writing my blog until I was 32 months – 2 1/2 years into recovery. Writing was very theraputic for me. I did stop visiting an on line site at MSN, now defunct, because it just didn’t help anymore. I got more upset hearing about the turmoil that other people were going through. However, answering people’s comments on my own blog was empowering for me. With every comment, I felt like it was my way of discarding the N.
My recovery took time. I recall I would stop my obsessive thinking (about the N) by just teling myself to “stop!”
I did go as far as (temporarily) putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I thought about the N experience – but the bright red marks….were noticeable!
I hope your will continue to see improvement in your situation.
ES
Lisa, I feel your pain and empathise and sympathise with you. All NARC’s are the same. They only change for their specific, at the moment, environment to get narcissisistic supply they so desperately need everyday in order to survive on this planet. God put NARC’s on Earth for one reason and that is to test normal peoples ability to survive and make us see again the love we have for ourselves and mankind. Understand, that NARC’s test every emotion God has given us and I can personally atest that my ex-NARC spouse (female) did just that…the experience was very painful and just like you, I too, allowed the NARC to continually flood my mind with all of her long term abusive behaviors, that I lost weight, appetite went into the crapper, sleep deprevation for months, lost all enthusiam for everyday life events, including avoiding friends and family even my own children too. BUT then, one day, months after our divorce was finalized, I woke up and remember something I saw and heard from the Wizard of Oz movie (yep, the Wizard was a classic NARC himself, beleive it or not!); Glenda, the good witch told Dorothy something very powerful and assuring towards the end of the movie…remember when Dorothy was “pouting” and was so wanting to go back home? Glenda assured Dorothy that everything was going to be OK and that Dorothy always had the ability and power to “go home” again…click those ruby red slipper heals together three times and say to yourself, EVERY time the NARC moment pops into your head…”NARC, GO FAR, FAR AWAY AND NO CONTACT!” Now, you think about that and use that as mental cleansing technique to KICK that mean old NARC to the curb and send him back to his home…a living HELL PIT!; you and your minor children do not deserve any longer. Take back your sanity and soul and re-empower that real person inside that you know you are and capable of surviving and taking care of yourself and your children in a healthy, safe, secure, NARC FREE environment 🙂 Hang in there, it does get better over time and the painful emotional scars will heal. Focus on what is important in your life…that is YOU, love you again before you can ever truly love another. That is where the journey begins for al lof us honestly. Stay the course and minimize contact with the NARC at all times. Stop contacting the NARC unless it is specifically necessary for the children’s sake, and set new boundaries for yourself and adhere and abide by them. You do these basic fundamental steps for starters and the NARC will dissapear in your mind over time. NO CONTACT and LAUGHTER are the best medicines you can be prescribed during your healing phases. Educate yourself on every piece of literature that is available at your finger tips regarding NARC’s, as this will help guide you thru the eye of the storm! There is hope and there is light at the end of the tunnel, so remember, if that mean old, selfish, self-centered NARC pops into your head…”CLICK THOSE RUBY RED SLIPPER HEALS TOGETHER THREE TIMES, AND SEND THAT EVIL NARC PACKING BACK TO HIS REAL HOME…HELL!” and then move on and enjoy happiness in your life as you are the only one that can provide that for you and your children. Fate has a way of showing up at our doorsteps when we least expect it. Embrace that and look at daily life in a more positive way, rather than wasting precious energy on the nasty NARC! Focus that energy on you and your children and that helps in your recovery effort. Guaranteed! (Keep listening to ES, she knows her stuff and I fully support her blog and forum she has provided us recovering NARC abused victims. She is truly one one God’s Warriors to support and provide much needed guidance along our recovery phases!)
“DOWN WITH ALL NARC’s!!!”
Yours truly and Godspeed,
NARC HUNTER 🙂
Dear Narc Hunter: I take offense that you credit God with the presence of narcissists on this earth. I would put the blame on the sin in the world and the fact that evil abounds on this earth. Sin brought on decay – mental illness a part of it. The N is mentally ill and yes, it would be great to have them locked up in straight jackets in a padded room.
I am past needing to explain “Why” there are N’s. I have no compassion for evil. I am done turning the other cheek.
ES
Yo, Burnedguy, from one male to another male…except the fact that the emotional pain is real. Trust me, 21 yrs later with a female NARC. Craziest stories I could write a novel about, seriously! She was the worst of all NARC’s…very extreme, severe, malignant, covert and stealthy! Divorced finally from the vampiress and societal parasite that really turned out to be, only it took 21 yrs! (dumb*ass me!); my life’s work is to search out and expose all NARC’s on this planet with a vengance, and I will not sacrifice my sanity or soul for a NARC ever again and neither should you…they are poisonous wretches and they will destroy you if you allow them to do so! You do what is the right thing to do for your sanity and soul…EDUCATE YOUSELF about NPD as much as you can consume, cause it is ALL true about NARC’s. Main things to know and reference for yourself is the following: Cut off all NARC supply, period! (NO CONTACT, got it!); ALL NARC’s are expert pathological liars; they cheat, deceive, betray one’s trust and most importantly do not care whatsoever, who their poison affects, because NARC’s feel they are entitled to everything in the universe and they have NO empathy for anyone whatsoever. Your feelings and needs are nothing, ZERO, to a NARC. Shut them off 100%, and they can no longer hurt or destroy you ever again, because you have taken back your sanity, soul and became empowered again, right!? I know from personal experience, trust me! Our society is full of them everywhere and narcissism breeds narcissism, so do yourself a favor, although I feel your pain, as experiencing it myself for 21 miserable yrs (and no more!); GET OVER IT dude, as it is not worth continuing to remain in a NARC relationship as it will destroy you self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. Remember, you’re here on this blog, becuase you are emotional hurt, feeling pain and lost, not knowing who and what to do or turn to for support and answers. As ES continues to preach the NO CONTACT gospel, LISTEN to her advise and WALK AWAY…NO! Wait, make that RUN AWAY from this crazy b*tch as fast as humanely possible. DISTANCE YOURSELF AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. Take ES’ advise and “fall off” the NARC’s grid and radar with light speed. If you cut off ALL of the NARC’s supply of your own energy field, then you have WON the first battle and they hate that! You have injured their very fragile ego and self-esteem (HOORAY!) Good for you! Now, listen to us…NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT!!! Don’t do it man, cause it ain’t worth your sanity and soul being further destroyed. I know, and it hurts, but time heals all wounds and distancing yourself and NO CONTACT with a NARC is the best medicine you can be prescribed. A little laughter and prayer doesn’t hurt either along the road to recovery 🙂 Stay the course of NO CONTACT and your road to recovery will be much smoother and less stressful over time and quite possibly much quicker too:-) Cut the head off the snake, and the snake can no longer survive or continue to be a threat to you, got it!? We are here for you man, so put out the flames “burnedguy” and move on with your life and and see the love and goodness you have to offer a “normal”, caring, honest, respectful, and trusting real woman out there in the real world, waiting for you someday. Fate has a way of finding it’s own way to your doorstep naturally. And remember this especially…if a woman EVER tells in the beginning of a relationhip early on, that it is “fate that we met and I feel like you/we are soul-mates” DUMP HER! NO MAKE THAT…QUICK HER @$$ TO CURB AS FAST AS POSSIBLE AND RUN AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK EVER! Don’t ever get burned again guy 🙂 My mission and motto in life…”DOWN WITH ALL NARC’S!!! 🙂 (Hope this makes you feel a little better and positive about yourself now…now go do your homework and enjoy the rest of your life in happiness and not a life of living miserable hell in a NARC relationship!) Keep us posted on your recovery effort and progress…would love to see how you are doing with NO CONTACT in a few weeks or so. Stay in touch, that is 🙂 Keep your chin up and keep the faith buddy. 🙂 You can do it! It does get better, promise you!
Yours truly and have a blessed day,
NARC HUNTER 🙂
Had a narc friendship with a guy. so weird. Six years. I didn’t realize I was being abused. I believed he totally cared about me.
There were put downs though, public humilations, weird stuff about him being abandoned when I had a baby, always threatening to dump our friendship for another woman’s….
The fog was so intense. It kept me in denial.
He dumped me when he found another “friend” to devote his attention to..we were both married. At least
I didn’t sleep with him.
Still I completely cared and thought it was mutual. Tried to support him with his wife until I realized, she liked the whole set up! She maintained an emotional distance from him and let me deal with his ups and downs.
Then, when it was time for the dumping, he had her do it! Then, she got upset at me when I was hurt. Her job was to control my reaction for him. She got off on it. And I cared about her, too!
I’m not sure what all that was…but it was the strangest relationship I have ever been in…platonic or not. And the pain of being dumped and replaced in a friendship…a friendship. Or whatever it actually was…has been worse than anything I ever experienced while dating.
Amazing. Glad I’m out, though. And I still have my husband who actually loves me.
My N “frieNdship” was platonic too.
And, as you say it was the strangest relationship I’ve ever had….short of a couple of really dysfuntional girlfriends in high school….
Not a day goes by that I am not grateful that I don’t have to deal with him and his wacko behavior ever again.
ES
So how do you hurt the N? Make him feel as hurt as you?
Hi Renetia:
Well, I am not truly sure that there is a way to “hurt the N.” Remember they really have no feelings other than maybe rage due to what we would view as an insignificant ‘slight.’ Also keep in mind that we are not in some childish “he hurt my feelings – now I am going to hurt him” game. The N plays to win and he doesn’t care what it takes –
No Contact is what hurts the N.
We break all contact with him – treat him the way he has treated us – we ignore him.
No Contact + No Narcissist = Sanity for us.
Here is a flashback memory. Very early into No Contact, I was in a situation where I could see the N off in the distance. I turned around and went the other way. It totally enraged him. (As I heard through the ‘grapevine’ later on) He kept trying to make contact – but Karma showed up and his past behaviors finally caught up with him – You might say Karma signed his walking papers…
ES
ES…..Karma signed my ex-N’s walking papers too, and A LOT more!!!
I have been one of the lucky ones to see Karma in action and my ex-N has been slammed with it (financially and emotionally too)…he had an anxiety/nervous breakdown in 2013, after he was fired from a V.P. position in a company that he had been with for 11 years, and then spent time in Rehab for alcohol and pills).
He has ruined his credit (2 foreclosures, 11 accounts in collections, Am-Ex closed his ‘business’ account after 21 years because he wouldn’t pay the bills on time, his precious yacht was seized and foreclosed on in a lawsuit.
I garnished his bank account for $50K for back alimony, a car was repossessed, etc, etc…..and this “God-like creature” is 50 years old and makes upwards of $600,000/yr!!!).
It has GOT to be taking it’s toll on him to keep all of that a secret from family and friends and try to continue to be the “God-like” superior being that he thinks he is.
ES, have you done any research on what happens to N’s in their 50’s and as they age? Especially when they have finally managed to screw their lives up almost to the point of no return? Do they just continue to do what they’ve always done (march to the drum of the Narcissistic beat)? Or at some point do they actually succumb to what they have created for themselves and actually feel defeated?
He and his new N-supply (20 years younger than me!!) had to ‘manufacturer’ their new children (twins, via IVF treatments…$$$$) and ‘she’ was supposed to go back to work but conveniently can’t get a job (and they paid a live-in Nanny during 2012)…..so he has lost everything. The money that I luckily was able to garnish from his bank account was from his 401-k account that he had with the company that fired him, and instead of re-investing it in another 401-k or IRA, he cashed it in and put it in his checking account and then I was able to have my lawyer garnish it for ME…..Karma baby!!!!
He made me suffer for a very long time (he left in Nov. 2008…and I am JUST now getting to the point where I just feel “Comfortably numb” and I’m okay with that!) so it pleases me to know how much he has been suffering these past couple of years! And hopefully Karma has now got him by the balls for good!
Dear Sharon: From what I have read, the Narcissist’s behaviors get worse as they get older. They get even more unpleasant to be around. You don’t need to worry about this however, because you have perfected No Contact.
It is gratifying to see when “Karma” finds the N.
ES
ES, loved reading Karma does work.
I’m still working on myself while having to practice No Contact, and it’s especially difficult when the Narc works at the same place as I. It’s been so hard…….. Due to proximity, we’ve crossed roads, caught each other’s eye at impromptu moments – gazes that are no more than a 1, 2 second, long enough to impact me mentally — but I show no emotion & just turn the other way. Does he even feel remotely guilty or does he even feel the sting when I reject him so abruptly now?
I believe I’ve enough self control. But the grief & anger, confusion are still there, however private. There is no time period as to when Recovery will end, as it’s still ongoing even months late.
I’m not holding my breathe for a sincere apology after he tore me apart in public months back……so all I can do is remember I’m more important than he’d ever value me for, and become a success at whatever it is I want to do. Someday I hope he’ll see what I won’t share w/ him: glory, power, influence and friendship.
So very sorry –
Having to work at the same place is so difficult.
I don’t know what would be the best advice for dealing with it.
It sounds like you are dealing with it as best you can.
ES
I just plucked up the strength to leave an N who was my best friend for 11 years, and my ‘partner’ for 7 months. He played me off against his ex girlfriend and a female work colleague who he moved in to his flat after the ex left. He would say things like “My ex always said I would leave her for blah, blah, blah. Not you’. He liked me because people had described me as a kind soul. He liked the positive attention and bragged to everyone about how i was his new girlfriend. I supported him through his break-up, gave him unconditional love and attention when he needed it. This went on for months. He preyed on my hopes and dreams, asking when i told him i didn’t want to spoil our friendship, what I wanted from life. He wrote letters, poetry and told me not to run away from love.
When I told him I was pregnant, he shut down completely. I couldn’t listen to him anymore and he used the pain of my having to choose an abortion to get sympathy from his friends. But he never asked how i was doing, even when I was in emotional distress. He showed no emotion when I begged him for support. He simply said “It isn’t the right time”. When I had the abortion, he chose supporting his ‘new flatmates’ move in to his house to pay the rent, instead of being their at the hospital. When it was over, i pretended to be happy. I started listening to him again, and he said he liked the ‘Happy me’. He never apologized after I suffered a nervous breakdown, he simply left me until I was on my feet again and came back – Again, still talking about his pain over his break-up and how people ‘liked him’ for being so considerate towards his ex. I went for no contact. Like he always did, he turned up at my door or phoned – I was too weak mentally to see him, so decided to leave it a month and asked him to get back to me. When he did, we spent an amazing weekend together, then I felt a change. I listened to him throughout the date, then brought up the subject of how he treated me (He spent hours talking about himself, not once asking me how I was feeling, or what had happened when I took a nervous breakdown). He said “I am sorry”, but there wasn’t any emotion on his face. I then pushed it by saying “I think you need to get a grip of how you treat people. Your behavior has been disgusting”. After that, he didn’t speak to me for a week and said “I’ll get back to you”. By then, the new flatmate had moved in and he was getting the attention he craved – she thinks he’s wonderful and a great guy. They spend all their time together, as we did on and off for 11 years before any kind of relationship happened.
On Friday, we met up as arranged. I sensed a complete change in him. He was cold, distant and hardly noticed I was there. I decided to say I was leaving, he didn’t say a word. I brought up some of the horrible things he did over the past few months, again, he agreed but showed no emotion. Then I played it a different way. I acted happy, took him to our favorite spot in the World and talked like nothing had happened. He honestly assumed we would finish as friends and I would walk away quietly. No. I told him we could have been happy together. We could have done everything he wanted. But when I wanted him, he didn’t want me. When I was sad, he didn’t want me. When I didn’t listen to him constantly, he didn’t want me. When I called him on his behavior, he didn’t want me. I explained how he took a perfectly happy strong woman and ripped her to pieces – I had served my purpose. N’s are logical and think ahead so I explained how he would find someone soon, someone who would worship him and think he was the greatest person in the World. But I had held up the mirror and I was disgusted with what I’d seen. He said “Are you trying to hurt me?”. I said no. Others see you as this kind guy, I see you for what you are. Again, he showed no emotion. I told him our friendship was over, our love was over and I was too good for him. Before I walked away, I wished him happiness.
This guy, I loved selflessly. I loved him and was always there for him. But all he could do was talk/think about himself. When I could no longer listen, support or help, and instead looked for a little bit of empathy, I wasn’t good enough. I know my words meant nothing to him, but I urge anyone who is seeing someone like this to ‘stop the game’. Yeah, It hurts. But they feel f**k all for you. They may seem interested, but only when you serve a purpose. They will hunt you down, butter you up and promise you the World. They then discard you like a toy and leave you thinking “What did i do wrong?”. One thing is, they hate being called for their crimes and will use every excuse in the book to reflect away from personal responsibility. The next time you cry, look them directly in the eyes and you’ll maybe hear “I’m sorry” but there won’t be any signs of empathy. I am finally getting my life back together again. I feel like a clown for falling for his lies, but least I get to walk away with dignity (Even if he doesn’t feel my pain. I couldn’t give a toss)
Dear Saffron:
Welcome.
Your closure story is the best scenario I have ever heard.
I dare say you got to say what so many of us wanted to be able to say but were never allowed that opportunity.
As a fellow survivor I am proud of you. You did walk away with dignity and grace.
Many blessings to you. 🙂
Elisse
I just stopped the relationship with my girlfriend of almost four years and I am a woman. From day one she was desperate. She expressed that she loved me in the first week of dating. She was very upset because I didn’t reply back to that. She was told that I needed some time to know her better. The calls and emails from her were extreme, till it was okay for me. I had felt that something was wrong for awhile but could figure it out. I started to noticed she would cry everytime I would have to leave her. It was like she couldn’t bare being alone. She pressured me to confirm my love for her and I felt very unconfortable because this time it was only two months. Then came the blaming that I was causing her pain, loniness and I didn’t show her enough love. Finally after almost a year a felt this love. I confirmed it to her. Still it was not enough and I didn’t why. She started manipulating, lieing, flirting and doing things to make me jealous. Still I loved her. This last year She would presser so much that I began to get angry. It started getting difficult to show her my any affection because of lieing and manipulation. I stopped reacting to every need she wanted. Then my anger grew after her crazyness and I pushed her twice and screamed at the top of my lungs for her to stop acting like she did. Then I began blaming her. Then she started turning thing around that it was all my fault. Because of the pushing and this anger I had to take a time out. I couldn’t understand my feelings and anger. Still she was more pressuring than before. I kelp going back to make her feel better, taking her in my arms and much more. Then I realized my anger was because she was lots of the times faking her crys, lies and whatnot. So I became the bad person in her eyes. So I had to leave. Then she begged and begged me back. No way! I began to feel she acted this way to hurt me for not getting what she wanted after my shock of what was happening. Now I have an apointment to get help because I am confused, I’m hurt and I don’t understand what kind of anger I have.
Ladies, I definately understand your men were horrible. But I also find it unbelievable that EVERY narcissist is to blame for the whole situation. Did none of these codependents provoke some of the time?
Whoa! Those are fighting words. In my case, absolutely not. I was the Host – the N was the Parasite.
I never asked for any of his insanity. I am sure that many of my blog commenters will tell you the same thing.
They thought that they were involved with Mr. Right only to discover later on – sometimes sooner – that they were involved with Mr. Hyde.
Thank you for commenting on my post.
I wish you luck in overcoming your anger. Seeing a counselor is a very good idea.
ES
The only provoking I did was trying to stand up for myself in the face of his odd behaviour and comments. I did ‘nag’ him about his drinking and workaholic nature and the fact he wouldn’t let me know what was going on when he was out late. I think that is normal wife actions – please spend time with me, please don’t drink so much, please get a work/life balance. Fell on deaf ears, because he was entitled to do what he pleased regardless of how I felt. They are impossible to deal with, as their boundaries and beliefs are not normal.
I’ll give you an example:
He wanted to eat healthier, so I asked what he wanted for dinner, he didn’t know and didn’t like making simple decisions like that, so I suggested a tuna steak. I cooked it (I am a pretty good cook most of the time), he took one bite and noisily put his knife and fork down and started saying it tasted awful and he didn’t like pepper. See he didn’t really want tuna but even though I asked him several times what he wanted, he wouldn’t decide, so I had to, and my decision was wrong even though he had said OK to it. I made one comment along the lines of ‘well that was a waste of money’. He started shouting that I couldn’t cook, picked up the plate and aimed it at my face then flung it against the wall. I cleared up the mess, in shock. Provoked him? Yes by disagreeing with his rude behaviour maybe!
Can you see how you were dealing with an overly tired 2 year old in his high chair?
Except with the child you could have warmed his bottom (we believe in discipline in our house, although ours would have never even tried to pull any shenanaginas like that) given him his bottle of milk and put him in his crib for the night.
With the N – nothing is ever right – and everything is our fault.
I am familiar with them being unable to make a simple decision – that is beneath them. I think it goes back to their God complex…they think they are Him.
ES
Ruth…your first paragraph is soooo spot on!!! You hit the nail on the head and that is exactly how I feel about all the accusations of “being a nagging wife”……if that is considered provoking, then I guess that is what I did for 23 years! I am a stubborn Scorpio and I DID NOT take his actions with a grain of salt or resort to being his door mat! What he got from me, from what I have read, is considered negative N-supply. Not sure what he got out of it, but apparently negative supply is better than no supply. I’m just glad he is no longer a part of my world and that the NC rule will be one that will last forever, for me! Good luck to you in your quest for peace!
“I think it goes back to their God complex…they think they are Him.”
That is SO interesting to note, ES….
The N I know observes Ash Wednesday, a day about repentance of sinful activities…..and yet based on what I’ve experienced from him, he is a huge hypocrite and a liar. It is both paradoxical and ironic he holds himself so self righteously when he’s had a history (I’ve discovered) of cheating, drugs, abuse to women, and lying. For all he’s committed, (and he’s not too popular I’ve heard from credible sources) — no particular ritual can make his heart right with God.
You’re right, there is only one way for anyone to make their heart right with God. When one can get past the anger, it is horribly tragic when you think of the N’s terribly hollow life.
ES
I am sure all of us who have a narcissist as a partner/ bf / husband are not surprised with your comments. It’s eerily true when they say all of them come from the same school as their behaviour are similar. Yes. It’s always our fault and never theirs. They forget what they said earlier and insist that it was your fault. I was almost convinced that I was going senile until I realise it is him that was at fault. Well, I am sure he likes to control you too. Mine keeps me in check by giving me daily errants to run irregardless of how inconvenient it may be for me. When I insist to do them at my own leisure he learnt to adjust his instructions to within the week and not immediately as it still seem as if he is in control. Not only do they use you but they keep you under leash all the time as a means of control. My narcissist boyfriend said our relationship would have long been over if he doesn’t control me as I am a very difficult woman. Wow…. How can I be when I do everything to his bidding?
What a wackadoodle he was. I hope that the emphasis is on “WAS” and that your are free from being his errand boy.
ES
Another example:
We were on a vacation and trying to find the Fort from The Last of the Mohicans. We got lost and he expected me to be able to work out where to go from a map, he gave me about 30 seconds to look before he snatched it and started shouting how he could work it out in seconds. We stomped around that fort in completely separate directions. My stupidity at map reading and directions sure provoked him!
Another:
We were arguing a few years into our relationship, I can’t remember what about but I do remember asking him if he thought maybe he could have problems like his brother (who is bi polar), and yes I wasn’t being nice, but he went ballistic and as I went to go downstairs he put his foot to my back and gave me a ‘gentle’ kick down the stairs. Yes I should not have said anything about his family (I think he insulted me and my family first though and I do think he was ‘projecting’ on to me) but did I deserve to be shoved down the stairs? Hell no!
No, you did not deserve to be kicked downstairs, but he deserved to be sent to prison for a VERY long time.
ES
Wow. Just coming out of the fog of a 4 year relationship with a narcissist. This is interesting simply due to the fact that we live thousands of miles apart.
He would ring me 4 or 5 times a day. Sometimes waking me to tell me some problem or that he thought I was cheating on him etc.
Turns out that he’s got a wife. Been married for years. Saw me online. Thought he must have that. Got a great thrill out of being my partner.
But, he manipulated my life even though he was so far away. I trusted him and felt that when his contract was up, we would share a life together. God, I sound so sappy..
Anyway, he wouldn’t tell me family names, show me his car (we would visit each other a year about) or any of the places he would frequent – it was like we were hiding in Switzerland. It was strange. I questioned it. He would not speak to me about it, instead leaving the room with his phone to call a “work colleague” – he would disappear in June each year for a “work conference” however – a little bit of research proves that there is no work conference held at the resort he was staying at. Also told me he can’t call out or receive calls…but upon dialling the number, call goes straight through. He was horrified.
He would not get angry (well only twice I saw him angry and that was enough for me to know I had to stop this ball from rolling because he’d put me in a body bag) but do passive aggressive things to destroy what I was up to at the time.
I have no idea what he thought he was up to. Was he waiting for his contract to soon be up to leave his wife? Do remember that I only found out about the Mrs AFTER I’d gone NC.
All this information started to come to hand.
I know that it’s not worth confronting him with it. Now that he is aware he’s been caught out, he doesn’t care what I know.
But, he keeps his computer on my website constantly.
I dumped him.
I caught him doing bad things three times in our “relationship” … but I realise he never stopped – now that the information has come to hand.
All the while I was being Mrs Faithful Good Wife to him and he was known to be the most disgusting fetishist in the scene. I was warned about him at the start, but by a person who had openly declared their feelings for me, so didn’t take any notice.
Hindsight is the clearest crystal ball…
What I am thinking is that he still values contact with me, even though I will not have any contact with him. He’s still trying to reach me through being faithful to my website…sounds insane, but it’s something that would fit in this circumstance.
He has a job in computer programming and system design and access to one of Europe’s largest computer networks…but I know also that he lied about his position in this company, and that he tried very hard to impress me with his financial position. I don’t care about money, especially when it’s not mine. It held no value to me, because it was his.
Despite that, he introduced himself as a wallet. Was self derogatory. I fell for that. Hook line and sinker.
He played games with me. Allowed me to think the hacker was someone else, when all the while it was him.
I do believe however the wife is onto him too. I am sure though she is more ruined and drained by him because of the length of time she’s put up with his rubbish.
The last time he visited me his plane was delayed. A woman called from switzerland looking for him. I said “He’s not here”… however, the timing was perfect. If the plane was not delayed, he would have been here, I would have handed over the phone and then asked him WHY she had my unlisted silent private number????
I can only guess the poor thing had suspected all the way through – found his travel information and some information he’d left there about me. I think that with that last visit, he was getting ready to actually leave her…so had laid a trail for her to find. He is too careful to be caught out with such a stupid action. It was done on purpose.
So, he was sent back by me, and had to explain to the wife what he was up to. I know she won’t leave him. He’s done this before. I am sure.
I know he is angry at me. I have exposed him for the liar that he is.
and yes… I am fractured too. It’s only been 3 weeks and I am still finding out stuff that I really probably would have liked to have known a couple of years ago.
I am resolved however, no way any contact.
I told him if he called, emailed or wrote etc I would set the Swiss police onto him and expose his illegal investigation into private details of Swisscom account holders.
I guess that’s that then.
But the question is…how long do you think it will be before he stops watching me?
Wow!
Well, if you can block him from your website it won’t be long. But if he works for one of the largest computer corporations he’d probably know a way around that.
N’s can really be really unpredictable at times – I can’t tell how long before he stops cyber-staking you, (that would be what he is doing) you might check with the authorities in your location to see what your recourse is.
Good luck to you.
ES
Hi, I was recently in a 4 month relationship with a female N. I was totally in love from the day we met. We slept together after our first date. Our dates revolved around drinking and going out to clubs and bars. I found out she was married for 20 years and was still living with her husband and two adult children. She told me all this but said they had seperate rooms. Everything else was a secret. Never knew where she worked, where she lived, her cell number was restricted, I never met any of her friends or co-workers. I learned more over the next few months some by her telling me and some by using the internet, some by searching her purse. She told me she was 36 but her DL said she was 46. She always had to have her hair and make up done, even for work! Every arguement was my fault, she never apologized for anything. Always told me that I made her this or I made her that. I ruined her day was her favorite line. She always threw things in my face… I couldnt talk about thiigs that bothered me, felt like I was walking on egg shells.Her phone was always locked, she always ignored calls and got texts from guys. She was always complaing of how this guy or that guy was asking her to go out. She called me every name in the book. At the end we got into a big arguement over nothing, she thought I was texting another woman. She got physical and repeatedly hit me, I tried to prevent her from leaving because she had been drinking and on accident I slammed her hand in the door. I felt terrible. She turned eveverthing around on me and called me an abuser and a monster, and thay I was the biggest piece of +!_?in the world. She even called my children names. She apologized later for that. But she left me now that Im the biggest loser in the world. She always has and always does talk about how she is a decent woman. She already seeing someone else after two wees. I miss her and Im heartbroken. I wish she was here. But my mind knows its best she is gone. . Im convined that I will never find someone like her again. I only told you a little about my ordeal. I begged her back for two weeks, countless texts amd calls, flowers to her work ect. She dropped me like a bad habit. She even told me I wanna pretend like you dont exist, like you never happened. Im left picking up the pieces now. I have some piece of mind knowing that the next guy wont last long. I wouldn’t wish this type of person on my worst enemy. You would never tell ny looking at her, she is attractive, has a good income, ect. But she isn’t as nice as she says she is or as attractive as she thinks she is. I hope she doesn’t call me or text me now that I’ve given up, because I will probably run back to her for more torture. We are glutons for punishment. Thanks for your input….
Sonny: It sounds like your best choice would be No Contact.
Actually I have a new worse enemy – and I would wish an N on this person.
Sorry to be so shocking, dealing with a lot of trauma today.
Thank you for commenting here.
Good luck to you.
ES
Sonny, take it from a recovering MALE veiwpoint of someone who was NARC’d for nearly 21 yrs by a NARC female…NO CONTACT as ES is preaching to you…Listen! and RUN away as fast as humanely possible from this wretched vampiress vixen, who is a societal parasite, you think you still love and care for. Yes, you probably do, but is the emotional, financial and physical abuse and pain really worth sacrificing your sanity, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth and most importantly you SOUL man!? Hell NO! Do as ES has indicated, NO CONTACT is the best medicine that you can be prescribed in dealing with a NARC of any gender. Go educate yourself as quickly as possible for everything on the Internet you can get your hands on NPD. Google it and you will be amazed at the treasure trove of information on the WWW! Read everything, read it again, and again and don’t stop reading about NPD. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to break free from the hellish nightmare you have been living with this freak and forgive and love yourself again. “Man up”, as my dad always said to me! He was right! The emotional, financial, verbal and physical pain of abusive torture, NO one deserves or asks for, normal people that is, do not. Pull up your boot straps, kick her butt to the curb, drop off the NARC’s grid and radar, distance yourself completely from the NARC and go NO CONTACT immediately, as ES is telling you. NARC female’s are evil and insidious and they have something all men want, right? This is the primary tool in their arsenal and dirty low down bag of tricks of abuse they wield and flaunt right in front of our faces to get us to beg them back, use us as NARC supply then reject and abandone us over and over, so DO NOT fall for that tactic being used by the NARC, going forward. Hurt and pain will continue if you “long for the elusive one” to return…she is a NARC and cannot and will not change her behavior for you or anyone…go look up the definition of EMPATHY my friend and start from that point forward on your journey to recovery as a NARC abuse victim! Let the NARC go and be what they truly are meant to be…a narcissist 🙂 I finally broke the emotional attachment to my “soul-mate” once and for all and divorce was the best thing that could have happenned to me and my two teenage kids. It was established in the divorce decree a specific NO CONTACT clause for her specifically and there is is only ONE exception to breaking that rule (temporarily); EMERGENCY issues ONLY for the sake of our two children we have together. That’s it man, so cut bait and run like hell and never, ever look back or get involved with another NARC again. Save yourself and your children bro’…you will thank yourself much later down the road by doing so and establishing new functional boundaries you can adhere and abide by for yourself, when you smell or see another NARC in the distance coming your way. Wish you the best of luck in your recovery effort and remember, NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT as ES has highly recommended, cause “N-dipping” is very dangerous and treacherous waters, you will only set yourself up for more “N-drama”, failures and more pain. “DOWN WITH ALL NARC’s!!!”
Godspeed and have a blessed day 🙂
Respectully,
NARC HUNTER 🙂
This is a great site to help with relating to others. It really is. But remember the reasons we’ve gotten involved and stayed with people such as narcs is because of our own low self esteem. Think about it. If you loved and respected yourself this selfish, no good you know what wouldn’t even be on your radar let alone your mind.
You want the empty space to be filled, but she can’t do that. Only you can do that for yourself.
I’m not saying she doesn’t carry her share of the responsibility…of course she does. No one deserves to be treated the way you were. But you can’t change her behavior, only yours.
When you feel good about you, you won’t stick around after the first incident of being crapped on.
You will most likely repeat the behavior without realizing it until it’s too late unless you heal yourself.
Reading about narcissism and NPD helps, but I’m finding focusing on me works a whole lot better. What was it about me that kept me putting up with all that? is the question I want answered. Then what can I do to keep me from getting involved with someone like that again? Is the next question.
I’m finding books on codependency are very helpful here and one I’m finding quite informative is called, Women Who Love Too Much.
It’s geared toward women because we are the more common sex to become codependent but the author does acknowledge men as well.
There is also a man named Robert Burney who has a website if you prefer to check it out from a man’s point of view.
Good luck to you. The pain does subside, especially if you focus on you.
Hi, I have been seeing a guy on and off for the last 2 years, he almost immediatley struck me as strange in that he was very very confident and yet had to keep constantly telling me how much money he had, how many houses he owned, cars he had etc. He also boasted about women who were interested in him, yet he couldn’t settle because he was too ‘fussy’. I admit i found him charismatic and fascinating a lot of the time, he also amused me because he lied so much he forgot what he had said the last time we spoke and would tell me completley different stories. I did find him attractive and he seemed to find me attractive too, I luckily never really saw it as a serious relationship as I had just come out of a divorce, but he made me feel good about myself – for a while! Then he started not texting or ringing back, at first I just put this down to playing games although it irritated me. Then the other day I did not text him for two days after our last meeting, and he was annoyed, I asked him why this annoyed him – after all he had not text me either, and he said ‘well i have lots of girls texting me, how can I be expected to keep up with them all’ !!!!! I started laughing and said ‘well how do you know I haven’t got lots of guys texting me too?’ (I haven’t!!) He was amazed and shocked by this thought, then he said he had to go and would call me later. I have text him and rang him a couple of times, when i rang he answered and immediatley hung up. I was puzzled and a little hurt so i googled a few things and came up with this!! wow i am so glad I found out that he is what I think he is, I just feel so stupid now but it could have been sooo much worse from what I have read. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are going through so much pain, and I truly hope you recover and find the happiness you deserve. xxxx
I am glad that you were able to escape before you were pulled under.
The current is very strong but you kept your head above water.
Others who read here will have comments for you. I wonder what the “key” was that prevented the N from totally dragging you down? Maybe it was the divorce that you had already put up with the BS you were able to recognize this for what it was.
ES
You should celebrate that you had a narrow escape as many of us who are stuck are like addicts. Abused and desperate but no will. It’s ironic to read what you have written as my N is forever telling everyone how rich he is and he is truly arrogant, demanding, selfish , controlling, fussy and takes advantage of people all the time. I noticed that he is good at entrapment exchanging messages with people and getting them to agree to what he has written thereby giving him ammunition to blackmail them or threaten them in the future. Do not trust a N as he will do the same to you. Mine is malicious and dangerous as he harbours hatred for people and wants revenge. He has dumped me many times but I had begged him to take me back. After ignoring me for a period of time, he will do so. But after realising that he is a narcissist, I have stopped begging him and it is him who will call me usually using some weak excuse to do so thinking I am so dumb not to see through his line. Unfortunately I have gone back each time but I am finding it easier and easier now to let go and I believe it is only a matter of time that I will be able to move on without it. Mainly because I’m tired, fed up and not bothered. I have ceased to be tortured by wondering why he is treating me so badly. It has turned into anger, irritation, resentment and I am fighting back. He doesn’t like it.
Thank you for commenting to Isabel – It is nice to hear about others who were fortunate enough to escape with their sanity.
Fanny, how about this time the N makes contact with you, you just ignore him? Don’t fight with the N because they can be vicious. Be careful.
ES
My Name is Anderson..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..I ran mad and I tried all I could to have her back but all did not work out..I was lonely for almost 4 years…So when I told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..I gave him that..At first I was skeptical but I gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but I never believe all this…he told me I will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizing and she told me she will come back to me..I cant believe this,it was like a dream cos I never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my wife got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This spell caster has really changed my life and I will forever thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him….
Sorry Anderson but I cannot allow this website to be listed on my blog.
I am glad that you and your wife were reunited – however I wouldn’t want the Narcissist back with or without a magic spell…Why does this comment remind me of the new bestseller by R.L.Stine – “Red Rain”?
Good luck to you.
ES
Seriously just what I needed to read.. just like a comforting hug…Thank you so much for this piece of writing… ❤
Nisa: So glad it helped you.
Hugs
ES
Hi
I think I have been dating a narcissist.
When we first met I noticed he had multiple photos of himself running, in the background of his facebook profile picture. He also talks about himself on a constant stream in conversation and does not ask any questions. I have been with him for 2 and a half years. He talks negatively about me to his friends and keeps me separate from them -one particular girl I didn’t even know he was friends with. He met up with his ex over a period of a year behind my back, and lied to me about all of it. The lying is frequent. He seems to have no regard for my feelings and left the country for 6 weeks without so much as a blink, then sat next to a girl on the plane, and emailed her when on holiday, saying he dreamed of seeing her again. I was devastated and rang to discuss it, he hang up and has not spoken to me since. I am devastated and confused as I was so invested in the relationship. He says he wants someone who makes him feel good about himself. But is not responsible for the things he does to ruin the relationship, eg frequent lying, no contact for days. I found out he went on holiday without his ex and emailed numerous women on a dating site, and met up with them – then emailed his ex saying how much he missed her. He tells people what they want to hear and is overly and inappropriately charming to other women, whilst having a girflriend.
Dear Fluffyc: I think you have too.
He sounds like a somatic narcissist. (sex)
Have you managed to stay NO Contact with him?
Now it is your turn to be NC and just ignore him. I know that is rough to hear, but really is nothing that you can do to fix this “relationship.” I know it is beyond difficult, but if you can just stay NC and read as much as you can about this mental illness, keeping in mind that there isn’t a PILL made that can make him normal. There’s not drug that he can make that will make him what you though he was.
If you can stay NC – be very “whatevvvver” if he contacts you and you can’t avoid him. Show him that you don’t care, you can get over this.
ES
This is so helpful to me when I periodically miss the idiot N i was involved with (on and off) for four months.
I used to think what was saving me in the rship was the fact that I wasn’t (and couldn’t) falling in love with him. Not what he expected. It took a while but this made it easier to see his doubletalk and trickery. Not that that meant I wasn’t confounded by it (I often dismissed things because they just seemed too insane for words – what kind of normal person does/thinks that! Well …)
Anyway, he was a (very attractive, I’ll admit, though his personality detracted from his shell, in the end) somatic narc and he sucked me RIGHT in.
I still miss him now, but remind myself to remember the crap (and to read his insane text messages) when I’m tempted to restart some kind of contact.
It’s been a month now since it finally ended and what I struggle with the most is the low from the lack of drama/excitement, the lack of attention etc, missing the physical stuff etc (even though he was a selfish, misogynistic pig and could have given me god knows what!)
I am left contemplating the empty nothingness of my life (how it feels) but that’s probably a good thing for me to contemplate, as it was one reason why I let him in and kept restarting things when we broke off. I feel so impatient for a good, healthy, SATISFYING and equal relationship, but have to do the work on myself till that happens.
I am considering taking up a lot of adventure sports to get that same high 😉
So thanks for sharing everyone. It helps!
You know, that contrived drama/excitement that came from the N?
Boring, quiet, dull, mundane, simple, everyday to everyday living is outstanding compared to the insanity of the N.
Really.
Trust me. A quiet evening with a cup of tea and a good book is better than the D & D from the N.
ES
Yeah it was pretty insane. I don’t think I’ve ever been as stressed, anxious or felt so trapped in a relationship as I did with him. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let me go – it just didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense with him!
I never trusted him – I just couldn’t. Anytime we got anywhere near intimacy he’d shy away.
I don’t think I got to the D and D stage with him, although possibly in ending our “friendship” after we broke up this was it (that was pretty spectacular) but I always felt like it was a possibility, that he’d dump me for something better, which was another reason why I wouldn’t commit to him long term.
I would have been in big trouble I think if our compatability were greater, but he suckered me in big time with the somatic appeal thing. I’ve definitely been out with cerebral narcs or been head over heels for them before. I never realised what they were until this guy let me label it.
I could feel him putting me on a pedestal early on and I warned him not to (because I’d done that to previous partners as part of my codependency, and I was wary of accepting people as they were now, not taking them on as “projects” to be fixed, which is what this N was encouraging me to do).
He also tried to let me have him act as my therapist (with me doing the same for him I guess) and that was just crazy talk for me. No way.
I have never acted so badly as I did in that relationship. There was no sanity and no boundaries whatsoever. He just kept welcoming me back, with no talk of what had gone wrong or what the problems were. I was scared of his anger, in that he wouldn’t show it.
Definitely towards the end I really felt that he was using me – for sex, for money, as a “front” for him to be seen as socially acceptable. He lives a parasitic lifestyle and was trying to get me to agree to support him in this (ie he wouldn’t work – i would. What the hell?)
He just lied lied lied ALL the time and would change his stories to suit whatever he thought I wanted to hear (when he wasn’t then gaslighting me afterwards).
I am really surprised I put up with so much of his crap for so long, but he was just so persistent and had me in a sexual trance. I have a lot of narcissm in my family (my mother, my father – i think) so i could feel old behaviours being repeated and I knew it was wrong.
Anyway – I think I sounded a bit flippant before but this all was just so confusing. I still really miss him but he was just such a nightmare!
Good luck to everyone dealing with their respective Ns. I am looking forward to feeling much more out of the woods with this and know we will all get there!
I have a ton of work to do on me now!!
Thanks for listening and stay strong everyone!!!!
xx
Dear Hells:
Glad you have removed yourself from that “relatioNship” Sometimes we miss the poeple that are the very worst thing for us.
Wishing you the very best.
ES
I just ended things with a possible narc last night. I say “possible” because I am second-guessing myself and maybe I was the narcissist or crazy one.
We met online in July of this year and shared political interests. I think that was what attracted him to me; I knew a lot about politics and I was very passionate about it. He reached out to me and pursued me. I was very hesitant because I’d ended a pretty traumatic relationship in March of this year and while I’d moved on, I was still vulnerable.
After a month of chasing and talking on the phone, I started letting my guard down.
He lived in another state and I didn’t know how that was going to work, but he promised that he would come to my state and see me (which he did).
During this time I was “gorgeous” “beautiful” “smart”…basically I could do no wrong.
We talked about marriage and kids (huge red flag and I even mentioned it to him, but he seemed so different and I thought that maybe he was the real deal).
Everything was perfect (or close to it).
But there were some cracks. One night he was very upset about his job (he’d made an error and was spending hours trying to correct it). Being well, a normal human being, I told him that everything would be okay and tried to give him a couple of suggestions. He yelled at me and told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about (another red flag). I hung up on him and didn’t answer his calls for the rest of the night. He apologized over and over and I forgave him the next day. I should have ended things then.
He bought a plane ticket and we met up for a weekend in my state. Everything went really well, I felt the connection and so did he.
During this time I’d kept some personal things from him because I didn’t really know him and I didn’t know if I could trust him with sensitive information. He was very upset and never seemed to get over it (even though he said he was okay and understood).
Well after our weekend I thought that we were exclusive since we’d discussed it at length. But he still hadn’t changed his status update on FB, never really mentioned me on Twitter anymore.
And then came the girls.
He had a lot of female “friends” but it never seemed as though they were friends, but women that he admired. Whenever I brought up my concerns, I was shot down immediately. He made me feel like an idiot. In fact, he told me to stop trusting my feelings, that my feelings were wrong (yes I should have left then).
He would flirt with and tease other women (or stay in contact with women who he flirted with and pursued in the past). His “crazy” ex was a friend of his on FB. When I called him out about that, he deleted her (but why did it take me bringing it up for him to see that he was being a hypocrite?!).
Other women that he talked badly about (“she’s too skinny” “pretty sure she’s a whore”) were also friends on FB and Twitter.
Again I was puzzled. He didn’t even try to argue and kept those women around despite the fact that it bothered me so much.
And then the insults began: “I used to think that you were so smart” “Stop acting stupid” “Shut up” “You are so annoying sometimes”.
I really started to think that I was in fact stupid.
Pretty soon things just went downhill fast. We argued all of the time because nothing was ever resolved (if he didn’t want to talk about it, we never talked about it; he would hang up, rush off of the phone, change the subject, call me crazy). I felt like I was losing my mind. Was I crazy? Why am I being so insecure? Why can’t I just be like this or that, then he would love me. Why was I always so emotional, why couldn’t I “chill out” the way he asked? Why couldn’t I just blindly believe him, trust him even when my gut is telling me this guy is up to no good?
I tried to end it a number of times and he always sucked me back in. I sent him a long email yesterday, basically breaking up with him. He replied and said that if blaming him helped me move on, that was fine. No accountability for anything.
Well I broke down after he replied. Even though we’d only been together for a few months I felt like I was losing a best friend. I called him and he didn’t answer, but did text (his favorite form of communication despite the fact that I hated it, thought it was impersonal and told him this several times) and say that he was busy and would call me back later that day.
I was a wreck, crying all day. Instead of calling he sent a text asking me why I wanted to talk to him, I’D broken up with HIM. I said, “You still love someone even if you can’t be with them.” You don’t just turn off feelings. But he seemed to be able to.
Our text conversation turned the tables. Soon I was apologizing for criticizing him and giving him a hard time. I was the one at fault. He was so cold and mean. Just heartless really. I stopped begging and went about my day.
Around 9pm last night he texted and asked me if I wanted to talk on the phone. It threw me off because I was actually accepting the end (he said we should go our separate ways) and bam, here he was again. I said ok, I will talk. Silence for about 15 min. He texted back and said, Oh I thought you were going to call me. Um. No.
We spoke tensely for about 5 min and he wanted to hear what I had to say (or in other words, hear me apologize and grovel while he probably smiled until his fat cheeks puffed out). I said what I had to say and in the end he came up with every reason not to be with me, to end it, I was never happy, etc. I did cry and just got off of the phone.
He sent me a couple of texts about how sorry he was and he felt bad. Right.
I don’t know if I was dealing with a narcissist. These are the only clues that he may have been one:
1. He sucked me in early, grew distant and dropped me quickly.
2. He made all of these plans for us, but when I would bring those plans up, I was rushing things or putting too much pressure on him. Right.
3. He was competitive. On our first date I joked that I could run to a spot faster than he could while wearing heels. This guy actually ran! And then laughed about beating me. Um. It was a joke. When I joked about being a world traveler (I have only been to a few states so obviously it was a joke), he laughed, said, “Yeah right” and named all of the states he’d been to and was smug about his “travels.”
4. He was right about everything and knew everything about anything. I knew nothing and I should just shut up and stop talking about things I know nothing about.
5. If I talked about something that he wasn’t interested in (or didn’t know much about) like interior design, crime mysteries, dynamics of relationships, he would be quiet. When I asked what was wrong, he would say, “I don’t care about that.” But if he wanted to talk about all of his hobbies I got a full lecture and I’d better be paying attention and I’d better be thankful for all of this wisdom.
6. He never seemed happy with just me. I was never enough. He wanted to flirt, to be seen. I felt like if he could “bag” a girl who was more attractive or accomplished than me, he would drop me. I always felt that way and it probably made my self-esteem lower and insecurities stronger. He had all of these fantasies about women that looked nothing like me.
7. He CLAIMED that his friends and a couple of family members knew about me, but nothing said that he was taken, in a relationship, nothing. I said, “Just update your status to In A Relationship.” He would ‘t do it. I am starting to believe that no one knew about us, that I was a secret. Oh and in reading these comments, he never told me the names of his siblings either. I had to snoop to find out.
8. It was always about him. When I had the flu for two-three weeks he was not there (yes we were in a long-distance “relationship”, but asking someone how they are is not a crime). In fact, when I told him I was sick, 30 min later he texted me and said he felt like he was coming down with something. Suddenly it became all about him. Fast forward and it was a rainy cold day in his state. He pouted all night on the phone and finally yelled, “I’m cold, I worked hard all day outside, and you didn’t do anything special for me at all, it’s like I don’t even have a girlfriend.” I didn’t know I was required to be a mind-reader. So while I was still sick with the flu I got up, got pretty and took some smiling snapshots for the crabby boy.
9. He wanted me to move to his state, but wanted nothing to do with mine (which is far nicer by the way, with more job opportunities). I wasn’t looking forward to moving up there, but I was determined to grin and bear it. I never did make it up there. Last night he said that I would never have been happy there. No, I would have, if I had a man that loved me unconditionally and didn’t play mind games. I think he also wanted to distance me from my family. He hated them because they voted for Obama. My sister was a “b*tch” because she supported him. I wasn’t an Obama fan, but come on. Let it go.
10. Which leads me to point 10. He was obsessed with politics. He was narrow-minded. Every democrat was on welfare or a “homo.” I pulled away from politics before the election and he would scold me daily (yes daily) for not “fighting the fight” and giving up. I told him I was tired, that whatever happens will happen. I was tired of arguing and trying to make everyone see my point of view. And I (secretly) didn’t care who won the election at that point. I just cared about working, working out, friends and family. Calling Michelle Obama “Moochelle” was not my idea of fun.
11. This was the last and most hurtful part. During his visit, I had a panic attack. I haven’t had one that bad since 2006 or 2007. I didn’t know where it came from. With medication I was able to control it and with coping skills I was able to stop panic attacks from getting that bad. Now I am not putting the complete blame on him, but I think there were several factors: A. The stress of planning his trip (he did everything at the last minute, the ticket, hotel, rental car…I had to practically beg him to get things in order before prices went up). B. He treated me like an idiot in my own city (born and raised). When I would try to give him directions (he refused to get a GPS or even use the GPS on our cell phones), he would tell me I was wrong and that he knew what he was doing. This came to a head one night and he screamed at me in the car because I calmly said his name because he was driving erratically. That was our major issue. He drove like a maniac, almost running off of thr road, revving the engine up over and over again while we drived, even though I told him it caused me to be anxious.
I think just the stress of being in his presence sent me over the edge. He was pretty good about the panic attack and assured me not to be embarrassed (I was) and that we wouldn’t talk about it anymore. This past week he made a joke and said, “I’m not holding your arm. I’m not holding your arm like I did when you had that panic attack.”
It just hit me. This was a joke to him. My pain and shame was a joke to him. Why would he bring up something so cruel and sensitive and shameful and try to put it in a damn joke?
I know I have typed way too much. I just needed to get this off of my chest. I don’t know if he was a narcissist. But I know he hurt me.
Dear Yikes! (Love your name by-the-way)
I think the 11 numbered points that you make in your comment is enough proof to tell you that you were dating a narcissist. Shoot the first 4 were huge waving Red Flags. The point where you were sick? For some reason, and I have noticed this with the N I knew and N’s that my readers have told me about – For some reason they do not “do well” with their supply being sick. They do not seem to know how to cope with this or how to react. They truly are aliens.
You were sucked in by an N and now you are out.
Don’t worry about the grammar errors – The Grammar Police – Me will fix most of them. 😀
ES
And I have made several spelling and grammatical errors. Sorry. I was on my IPhone and rushing.
The Grammar Police are on their way!
ES
Take it from me, he is a narcissist and dare I tell you, you have managed to get off with minimum damage as you are still early in your relationship. Everything you have said about him I have been through with my boyfriend and worse as we have been together for seven years. Not only has been abused me emotionally but did his best to destroy my self esteem, tried to distance me from my friends claiming nobody can be trusted but him. No one likes him at all and for good reasons. He tries all the time to take advantage of people turning them into his Narcissistic supply. He has alot of money but is stingy and takes advantage of me. It’s true that they suck you dry of your energy, money and emotions as certainly I feel as if this is what is happening to me.
He makes me do the most demeaning things sexually and is selfish and demanding. Up until last year, he was always dumping me knowing I will beg him to take me back. But I have begun to feel that the stress and pain far outweighs the joy and love I feel for him. I feel less stress when I am not with him. This year he went on a major rage which exposed to me an evil mad person I never saw. He dumped me and I had a breakdown. To try and console myself I went on to the Internet and found out he is a narcissist. It was an eye opener but I went back to him again when he called me.
Two weeks ago, we had again another of our many fights where he would start shouting and calling me abusive names. It was the last straw and I hung up and kept no contact. He has stayed quiet too although he has been in touch with my family on some work issues. I know he thinks I will come crawling back and if not, he will cook up some excuse to contact me.
I don’t intend to call him. It’s hard as I Ho through all sorts of emotions from anger, hurt, sad and missing him but I know he doesn’t love me and it freaks me out thinking back all the things he had said and done clearly to manipulate me and use me. It’s scary.
I am trying really hard to stick to no contact as I know it is crucial for me. Do try to do so as well as your survival is very important . Narcissists are bad news. Check all the sites about them. They are all similar.
One of the sites said people who tend to be addicted to narcissits are strong people (which I am) as they think they can change the person they love (they can’t) and also most of the victims have inner emptiness sympthons. How true for me which is why I thought my N could provide the gap I feel inside me but NO, he can’t.
I have to find out how to address my inner emptiness and take care of myself. I don’t need to be the slave to any one. A man who truly loves a woman will never put her through such terrible emotional trauma and abuse her. You have to stay strong.
Dear Fanny: Thank you for sharing your story with Yikes.
It really helps to hear from others who are further along in recovery.
Good job staying No Contact. It really is the only way.
ES
Hi ES. Thanks for replying. 🙂 I have kind of been in a daze (or as they say, N fog) for the past few days. I have gone from not eating, not sleeping, to tears, to anger, to happiness, to tears, to anger and a TON of anxiety and depression mixed in.
I think that after I commented here and after Thanksgiving came and went with no sign of the N, it really hit me. But I am a fighter. I have been through a lot in my life and I can get through this, it just hurts like heck!
Thank you, I picked the name Yikes because that’s how I felt towards the end. Lol. The coldness was just breathtaking. Even when I ended things first I wasn’t that cold and if he’d begged me to work it out (the way I did) I would have given him a chance. I do believe that he found some other type of supply. Not to be rude, but he isn’t the slimmest or best looking guy but man is he a charmer. I’m sure someone is falling for it, just like I did.
I think that Ns hate it when you get sick, or moody or you have questions or you criticize them. You know, things that HUMANS do. When they realize that you aren’t a doll that they can control and that you are a living, breathing being, out the door you go.
I am now on day 8 of NC and I won’t lie. It is HARD. I felt sick when I blocked him on Twitter and when I deactivated my “dummy” FB account (don’t judge me lol). It seems silly, but those were big steps for me. I hadn’t looked at his accounts since the day we broke up, but blocking him was sort of like closing a door.
And thanks for the Grammar Police jokes. I needed that. 🙂
Definitely stay strong. It gets a bit easier and the pieces start to fall into place when you look back at what happened.
I definitely agree re: the inner emptiness comment – I have always struggled with this and for some reason the N plugs into this. Addressing my codependency through Codependents Anon and seeing a therapist is starting to help. Learning to love myself, and learning to make myself a complete and happy woman, instead of looking to a partner to fix or to make me whole, is what I am working towards. And a lot of my other relationships, friends etc, are already starting to become healthier etc because of this.
I still miss the N I was with sometimes, but it’s more because of the dysfunctional drama I think. I am learning to try and find that excitement in my life in other ways, and hopefully to see healthy men as more appealing to me.
He definitely eroded my self esteem. I always felt not good enough (which was ridiculous – he was no perfect being himself, that’s for sure).
It started out sweetly (with him way too into it) but I ignored my intuition and just kept going with it. He told me at one point, after I’d agreed to “commit” to the rship, hoping it would improve his sweet/mean behaviour, that he had a history of “breaking” women. Huh.
He definitely tried to do that to me. I was sucked dry, physically (via sleep deprivation tactics, infections and more), emotionally, creatively, and in terms of self-esteem, by the time we broke up. My values started to become twisted.
He pinpointed all my weaknesses and exploited them. He presented himself as what I wanted, but gradually as time wore on the mask slipped.
I kind of feel sorry for him now, because he needs a lot of help (and I worry about his son – a gorgeous kid) but is too proud/in denial to get it.
Not that I’m any angel, or perfect by any stretch – I put myself in this situation and I have an awareness now that I didn’t before about these types of relationships and why I go there, but you need to work on yourself if you’re going to get better.
So hugs to you. Think about what you really want, and DESERVE, long term. This isn’t it.
xxx
Thank you –
ES
Thank you. I am trying very hard not to fall back in to the trap. I know I am better off and that he is poison but I feel like an addict. Have to be very strong.
No Contact is a great way of staying strong. Every day that you are out of the “N fog” is another day for feeling better.
ES
As I’ve been reading everyone’s ‘determination’ to stay strong about the NC rule, it made me ask myself “why was it so easy for me?”
After thinking for a few moments a LOUD bell went off in my head and it was like DUH!!! NC is easy when you’ve had 23 years (in my case) of his manipulative, demeaning, belittling sarcasm and his constant need to argue & fight (and in the end, WIN!) and my gut told me right from the start that having NC with him would keep all of those things from EVER happening again……and it did!
He wrote me a few emails (blaming me for everything, of course) trying to egg me into an email fight with him. He only called my cell phone once and when I did not answer he didn’t try again until 2.5 years after the divorce, when his father was dying (a father that he always told me he didn’t want to be like and really did not have any love for him…which was obvious) and he left me a voice mail blaming me for him not having a relationship with his father and for keeping him from his father all those years (that’s funny, NO ONE could have kept me from communicating with ANY member of my family…..he could have called his father whenever he felt like it, but he did not. And I always had to remind him that it was Fathers/Mothers day, etc.).
So at the end of that VM he said, “you are a selfish, petty ****”. That was his way of projecting his guilt feelings onto me about the neglect he showed his father, and then he didn’t have to worry about that issue any more.
And it’s hard to have No Contact, why?????? They’ve given us sooo many reasons to not want to hear another cruel, disgusting thing come their filthy mouths that it makes it VERY easy to never want to have ANY kind of contact with them EVER again. Plus, I actually lost ANY love or respect for him A LONG TIME AGO (23 years is a long time to put up with a Narcissist and still have love for them!). What I missed and grieved for is the loss of the life that I knew, the loss of a family unit and the loss of a loving relationship that I had so longed for and never had.
Dear Sharon:
I hope that you’ve been able to begin to knit your family unit of your children and yourself back together.
All the very best to you.
Elisse Stuart
Fanny, thank you for the response. I appreciate it.
Even as you tell me that my ex is an N, I still feel as though I did something wrong and that is what pushed him away.
I’m sorry you are going through your situation with your on and off N. Several years ago I had an N ex who would break up with me every 30 days and come back every 60 days, like clockwork. This went on for about four years. I was much younger than and very naive, but able to bounce back from that rather quickly (then again I had plenty of time to “figure” him out and I knew that it wasn’t going anywhere).
I can’t believe that I’m trying to give advice, but I would say that at some point he is again going to contact you and he will drop you again. You may not get sick of him for a month or even a year, but at some point you will get sick of him. And then you will move on completely.
There are some Ns that drop you and never look back. Those Ns are probably the most hurtful because you almost never get closure and even if you do, the pain is unreal.
Then there are the Ns like my ex from several years ago, that pop up and woo you, make promises, disappear, pop up and repeat.
Believe it or not, while it was painful, I kind of convinced myself that at least I knew his pattern, at least I knew I would see him again.
Sick huh?
I am trying my best to focus on other things and cry a little less everyday. I know that eventually I will move on (not to another man; I was single from Jan of 2010 to Dec of 2011 and I was so happy and fulfilled at that time). It just hurts right now.
Dear Yikes: That is a great deal of wisdom from one so new in recovery.
The hurt will fade everyday.
ES
TQ . Yes. They are really sick. Thinking back, I now realised all those years he has enough information on me and have set me up to be able to blackmail me if he now wishes. His track record with others certainly shows these traits. I can’t afford to confront him so I am praying he will completely disappear and not be mad with me for dumping him. If he does, I have to be very careful with what I say. I just want him to disappear. I have to keep reminding myself that he is bad. But there are moments when I look at something and it reminds me of him and I miss him . Yet I know I only miss his false self. He is jealous of me so he puts me down all the time and use the most hurtful words. Now I realise he just wants to destroy me.
I pray he does not contact me.
Thank you ES! 🙂 The hurt SEEMS to be fading, but then it comes back. Lol. Today was a decent day.
Thank you again for this blog. It is keeping my sanity in check.
Hey Yikes – Some days are diamonds, some days are stone….
They will go back and forth, but they will keep getting better.
ES
They are addictive. I’m lucky mine has dumped me for good – even just talking to him sets up some kind of masochistic, throw caution to the wind response in me. It’s like I couldn’t help myself, even though I knew I was hurting myself. Like pain feels good.
Pain is not good. Everyone deserves healthy loving relationships, not this crap.
I think it’s that sweet/mean cycle – a ton of stuff I was reading on abusive relationships said that this creates an addictive response. Like you keep hoping the nice, loving, “authentic” N will return. Which he does sometimes, but then the abuser comes back. Mine could never ever be honest with me, or very rarely anyway.
It’s insane – they’re insane. They don’t make you happy. They don’t know themselves, that’s why they want to be you, to destroy you. I think they’re pretty unhappy on the inside, if they can admit it. If they keep treating people like this, they end up alone and without any significant relationships. At least we know the joy of this – of those good relationships with people, friends and others.
So if you can break away from that, you’re going to be better off.
Mine needs a lot of help, and to be honest I hope he gets it so he can be a healthier human being.
We are lovable, valuable people – and a lot of other people can see that in us. Just because he/she tries to make you believe you are not, it’s not true.
xxxx
I am so glad I came across this site. I really resonated with jyoti’s post. Right now my NPD man stopped calling me, and I don’t know why. I was struggling with assuming he had NPD as well. But again and again, I keep reading story in other people’s posts. The writing is on the wall so to speak. I want to be missed by him. Many relationship articles will tell women, don’t call, let him chase you. This advice is for normal men, as this won’t work with the NPD man. In my heart, I really don’t think he’s wasting any time or tears over me. Something I read once was to never open your faults to the NPD because they will throw it back in your face one day. True story, that I just got out of a relationship from an extreme Malignant Narcicisst, and I was telling my new narcicisst about him. Well, his voice sort of got louder and he said, “well, you can rest assured that dude isn’t thinking about you one bit, as he probably looking for or he’s with someone else now”! So, this was very early in our short 3 months together, but I am sure he was sort of talking about how he operates. Let someone talk long enough and they will reveal themselves. I did not pick up on this red flag. Aparently, my warning system wires got cut along the way. It’s up to me to dig deep and find out why I am attracting these types. In closing I will say how depressed, sleep deprived, and under weight I am. Every morning I have a hard time waking up to get going. I know it sounds bad, but I miss the good times. I miss him. It’s so unfair that he was only make believe. My heart sinks as I write this. Hard to get someone out of your heart after you let them in. Funny how he told me he loved me on the very last weekend I would ever see him again. Why would someone toy with me so? I had a gut feeling it was the last time, as he had me follow him to the main road (I was still unfamiliar with his town), and he jumped out of his truck at a 4 way stop, and had me roll down my window to kiss me. I just knew it was the last kiss. These types give the meaning “Love ’em and leave em”. Will I ever trust again? Can I ever trust myself trusting anyone again?
Why would he toy with you? Because N’s like to cause normal humans pain.
Will you ever trust again, or trust yourself? This is your second relationship with a narcissist in a short amount of time. You need to recover completely and decipher (with the help of a therapist) why you attract/ are attracted to N’s in the first place.
ES
“When someone shows you who they REALLY are…believe them” !!!!!
I and my girlfriend brokeup just because I could not tolerate seeing her hanging out with guys that she claims to have nothing with but calls them just mere friends.
I could not take it anymore because I love her so much and though I am jealous seeing other guys around her, I need her to understand that and respect that as well. But reverse was the case. She told me she was tired and could not continue, she complains that I don’t trust her so not sure our relationship would lead to marriage.
I was so devastated and could not lose my love just for my selfish reasons. so I found this spell lady online who did a love spell to bring her back and made our relationship more closer than ever and even more happier. The spell lady did help my life, my job because I could not focus on anything, and even brought my lover back in to my life.
The spell lady’s email is………………..her spell is more powerful than I can ever imagine.
Seriously Wilfred – What kind of bullshit do you think my blog readers are going to swallow?
I’d love to know how much you had to pay for this demonic crap.
Could it just be that your girlfriend was immature and was planning on coming back to you anyway?
Please don’t share this type of nonsense on my blog again.
Mrs. Stuart
I am 16 days NC with my ex who I am sure is a narcissist. 14 months of what feels like a terrible emotional roller coaster. He was my boss at work and knew I was having difficulties in my marriage, I was unhappy and felt there was more to life. He essentially saw my vulnerabilities and ran with them. He would take me for coffee, ask me how I was daily, call me princess, and made me feel so special and important. He was so charming, kind, caring and considerate….
He told me he had feelings for me when I was still married, and as soon as I ended my marriage he was there, helping out being the doting caring partner. I have 2 small children and he said he loved all of us.
The red flags were there from the on set,
– he talked about living together straight away
– wanted to plan holidays together
I fell pregnant and he played with my emotions telling me he wanted to keep the baby and then he was unsure. In the end after him stopping me terminating the child because he was so upset and couldn’t deal with making the decision. I terminated the child, this was after I called his bluff and said I was keeping the child and he replied with “we’ll your on your own then”- major red flag.
He had been keeping his phone close to him, turns out he was texting an ex friend with benefits, no relationship would just get his rocks off and use her when he had no one else. He started texting her 5 days before terminating the child! Never called me after the termination to see how I was- he was too busy at work. He kept the texts up to his female friend and cheated on me. I walked away feeling awful. I had been feeling confused, he kept blowing hot & cold, he cried when I tried to end it, how silly of me to believe him.
The saga went on, he wouldn’t let me be around his friends or family. He would invite me to things with his friends and then treat me like a piece of dirt so we would argue and I wouldn’t attend. Twice, he was physically abusive towards me and once in front of my children… That has left them with a terrible vision and memory for which I will always feel responsible.
I think after reading so much about narcissists that to one degree the operate the same and use the same dialogue.
In the beginning he called me ” princess,” “babe,” “Hun,” told me “how much he loved me, how beautiful I was as a person & mother”. It took him about 8 weeks to tell me he loved me, ” I was the love of his life”, “the best thing to walk into his life at the worst possible time”.
In the end he would call me ” cum, slappa, snazzy, mole, whore, just because I could have children didn’t mean I deserved them, my family were called horrible names (attempt to divide and conquer). He would incessantly message me if I said we were over and he would use all the verbal abuse in the world through his messages, he would threaten me, he would become almost deranged, he knocked and knocked on my bathroom window while I was in the shower until the glass broke, he tried to climb in my bedroom window and broke that too, he damaged my car a number of times, he took an IVO out on me and then came back cap in hand, red roses, got his mother to deliver them with a letter…. I took him back believing his baseless words when all along he had no supply and was falling apart. Lucky me got delivered all of the above abuse. To be honest every time we broke up and got back together his behaviour and treatment towards me worsened.
I liken him to a 37 year old child throwing a tantrum and not knowing how to deal with his issues, once I heard him tell me ” he didn’t know why he does what he does”.
I realise I have my own issues for allowing such a malignant person into my life. I’m happier without him. There are moments of weakness where I blame myself, honestly I thought I was the one going crazy, I saw my psychologist who said to me and wrote it down for me “you are not crazy, you have been manipulated by a master manipulator.”
I am a strong, independent woman, financially fairly secure, it’s amazing how easily one can let a person destroy your self worth and self esteem. He had previously told me he had low self esteem another red flag, his stories always seemed amazing, he sounded widely travelled, very knowledgeable, highly successful in his business, I felt I had met my soul mate! He turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing, all of what he presented to me couldn’t be further from the truth, he is not financial, hardly widely travelled, I’m about the 6th employee I know of who has fallen prey to him, he always says he was trying to help people in need and they end up in a relationship, the martyr…rescuing the damsel in distress.
I am certain I have dealt with a severely disturbed individual suffering NPD amongst other things I’m sure. It’s nearly Christmas, he will be back, gifts for the children I’m sure. 7 days ago he contacted me asking how my son was, I did not reply…
Sorry this was so long, I feel better getting it off my chest and honestly why would I want someone like him in my life!!!?
Please do not apologize for the length of your comment. You had much to say.
I am deeply sorry for your loss of the child and yet he/she would have been someone who would have forever tied you to this maniac.
I pray that you will protect yourself and your precious children from any further verbal, emotional, physical abuse from the N by remaining No Contact. Better to have one less present under the tree than to respond to the N. You can only hope that he will get the message of your silence loud and clear and not contact you again.
So glad you have a psychologist to talk through things with one on one.
The very BEST thing you can do for your children is to never respond to him again.
Please let me know how things continue for you.
ES
I am literally going through hell right now. I worked with n-ex. He only wanted me as he had me there to control. I found a new job a week before my notice period was up. He used his gaslighting technique & caused a huge row in a pub turned it on me I had to walk home alone till my feet bled then he ignored me. It’s been 6 wks now. I started my job struggled to get used to it but made sure I did then to my horror they ended my role last week. So I find myself with no job & bitterly hurting from an abusive 2 year relationship. I have buckled many times during the last 6 wks text & emailed him trying to sound stroblng but he knew it was the weakness. I’m met with insults, vile personal comments & accusations. This so called man has hurt me deeply cost me my job & left me a shadow of who I once knew. Now I have to face existing on job seekers allowance at 35 yrs old & limited hope of finding a job anytime soon in current climate. But I will move on & strive forward. He is empty & I would live in a box than be someone who has to ruin others to feel alive. He will hurt many other women & this will take me a long time. But I do believe we get there in end & learn vital lessons about ourselves xx
Yes, it sounds like you are…on the bright side you do not have to work with the N anymore.
You will find a new job, but you’re right, the holidays are not the greatest time to be looking for a job – whatever side of the pond you are on….
ES
Today is exactly three weeks of no contact since I hung up the phone on my N after he once again hurled a barrage of abusive words at me for no apparent reason other than the fact that I wrote him a very loving email expressing my love for him the night before. (I suspect this triggered the urge to once again demean me). He did send me two emails on the pretext of sorting some small issues like his laundry etc but I reverted with very short responses. My no contact is totally out of character for me as normally I would call him after a few days and forgive him. I don’t want him to come back even though I love him and miss him. He is a very proud man and I know he will not call me and he does have a back up source (his ex wife) although I know he will miss me due to my ability to provide alot of things for him which he can’t achieve from others.
I have been through the tears, self blame and several break ups this year but from confusion ,dread, hurt, depression….I have grown to resent and rebel against his ill treatment and am no longer willing to take it anymore. This is especially since I now know he never loved me, had used and manipulated me and I have to leave before I am totally destroyed. I have no desire to confront him or seek revenge. I just want him to fade away so that I can start to rebuild my life. After seven Years, I now realised how he has used me and controlled and emotionally managed me. I also realised he is jealous of me and In short , I feel quite creepy thinking all those intimate moments we had which I now wonder what went through his sick mind.
Think back about your moments with your N. they are always plotting to store away discriminating information about people including you. They are always testing you and trying to find out what you are thinking. Recently he asked me to negotiate a transaction for him and gave me a list of instructions. When he found out I had added a few more on the list, he said I was a smart cookie and asked me if there had been other incidences where I had out smarted him without him knowing. I thought he was joking but he demanded an answer. It bothered him as he thought he had me as a puppet on his string. He asked me a few intimate questions on email and was infuriated when I used pseudo email names addresses to reply. Perhaps he wanted to store evidences to use against me which is what he does to others. He is always taking legal suits on people and is fastidious in monitoring all the law cases he had. Yet, I found it strange when he loses a cases and seemed indifferent or even subdued. I now understand Narcissists sometimes find these punishments almost surreal. It’s really bizarre.
all I can say is it is true that narcissists are all very similar in characters and behaviours and seemed to have come out from the same mould. I recall many incidents now which makes my hair stand on ends …..he must have total darkness in the bedroom when making love and he likes to make me do demeaning acts even asking me if I am willing to have sex with another man for him to watch as his ex had refused him. Obviously I refused. I am certain now he would have taken a photo to blackmail me. He always asked me to go into business with him but I felt that our relationship was so tumultuous it cannot be possible to look long termed hence I refused. Thinking back, I realised it was an attempt to cheat me of my money or trap me. He is obsessed with his looks, his health and his body. He talks about his penis all the time and is also about his bowel movement. He told me it affects his moods considerably if he is unable to have bowel movement in the morning and he is elated whenever he is able to.
He has dumped me many times and I had begged him to take me back. But not any more. All my love for him is not worth the pain, humiliation, dread and abuse I got from him. Ultimately, it was not worth it. Yes, I was addicted before and I still feel sad and sometimes angry. But my self esteem is back and I am convinced he never loved me and had used me. Why would I want to remain a slave under his control and being abused daily? This is why I am not returning back to him. I want my freedom, my self esteem and protect my health and wealth and family.
All of you who miss your Narcissists, don’t. He does not love you and he hates you and wants to destroy you. Why put yourself through this pain? If you are still in a relationship, keep some information about your narcissist that you know will discriminate him as one day, you may need them to protect yourself should he decide to harm you. They are good at trapping you and creating situations where you unknowingly put yourself in a position of danger which he will record and hold against you.
I am keeping myself occupied and I read alot about narcissists to remind myself the people they are and not miss the charming man I thought he was. I hope I will remain strong. I told myself to prepare myself just in case he make contacts and not fall into a trap and take him back.
I feel strangely contented, at peace and hopeful.
30/11/12
A LETTER TO MY NARCISSIST
It has been exactly 25days since I hung up the phone on you and cut you out from my life. To me, it is a situation that I knew will happen sooner than later as I no longer feel the sacrifices and efforts that I have put in to our relationship was worth it . You have basically achieved your goal in killing off my love for you and the realisation that you are a narcissist and that you do not love me has answered alot of questions for me about your despicable behaviour.
The seven years have been a state of confusion and chaos for me. I tolerated the abuse because I thought you loved me and are going through so much yourself just to keep our relationship alive. Little did I know it was mainly because our relationship was your dire need for supply as a narcissist. You have indeed manipulated me, tricked me and hurt me. When I think of all the situations where I have been managed and exploited by you and knowing now that you obviously hate me and are jealous of me, I feel so shaken. I am convinced now that you had other lovers and you had lied and cheated me.
I guess I must have been a challenge for you and to date your greatest source of supply. Well….. It’s over. I am done with you and I do not want to continue to be your slave. I don’t really care what you think and how you feel but being a narcissist I am sure you will blame me and as you said earlier, say its my big loss to let you get away. LOL. That’s a joke isn’t it? But the joke is on you because you actually believe it yourself.
Imagine, I suffered for seven years and yet I kept taking the abuse and begging you to take me back each time you dump me. I was walking on eggshells all the time and desperate to please you. You were callous with me, selfish and demanding. You didn’t like my friends and took advantage of me financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. I could not fathom why a man could treat his loved one such. Imagine my horror when I stumbled upon the word narcissist this year and discovered the real demon you were. Everything adds up. The evil words you spew on me, your rages, your coldness and you selfishness….. Your actions and the fact that you had no friends and were constantly trying to take advantage of people …..the list is endless. When I think back, I am certain some of the things you asked me to do were in anticipation of blackmailing me in the event I become a problem.
It’s been six months since I found out that you are a narcissist and yet I went back to you . Each time you raged at me, I drifted further away and I knew I had to resolve all the loose ends before I could finally walk away. Well…. The day came and I am now free.
Sometimes I feel relieved and happy. Some times I feel sad and miss your false self and dread the loneliness ahead. It’s true that victims of narcissists suffers from inner emptiness but getting a narcissist to fill in the gap is like swallowing poison. I now know I have to keep myself occupied and busy and pamper myself. I read alot about narcissists and their behaviour because I want to remind myself the person you really are and not revert back to you. Yes… I was addicted to you before but not any more because, I can’t stand your abuse and your humiliation any more. I no longer feel any joy in your presence.
You did try initially to contact me on the pretext of some issues or other but my monosyllables answers clearly shows I am not bothered. I know you are too proud to make contact particularly since I have always been the one to call you after a fight.
Well….. I can imagine that you initially thought I was going to come crawling back. Than you would think you will punish me when I eventually call you. Now I know you would have realised it is indeed over but convinced yourself you are better off without me and its my great loss to let you go and there are alot of younger, beautiful young women waiting to fall for your handsome face, wonderful body and swoon over your masterful lovemaking (these were your own words). You have gotten rid of an old lady like me whose figure has started to sag and memory starting to fade (all your own words ) and are better off. Oh boy, when I almost believe you were right in saying my memory were failing and you confused me intentionally by denying things you had said, blaming me for things I didn’t commit……..I am only 57yrs old and a high corporate CEO of a company. How is it possible that I can allow you to manipulate me and tell me I was suffering from dementia like my 85years old dad. How cruel!
Guess what? I don’t care. Good luck and good riddance to you. I am lucky to get away by the skin of my teeth and that you have not achieved your goal to destroyed me completely like the vampire you are and ruin me not only emotionally but financially. I don’t want to be bitter or blame myself anymore. I just want to forget you and move on.
I have no need for revenge or closure. Please just fade away from my life.
Thank you Fanny for posting your goodbye letter to your N.
I’ll be emailing you about making it a post on my blog – it will be a great benefit to others.
ES
I could have written this, Fanny. Thank you. This is it, folks, this is what any relationship with a narc will do to you. I had 6 years of a non sexual relationship/friendship/”arrangement” with a narc man. It was just as horrible as this, minus the sex. I can’t even imagine. Like being emotionally raped, I bet. I felt raped enough as it was. Stay away from any kind of deal with any stripe of narc. It always goes this way. I am always surprised that the details are different but the patterns are identical. Identical. And the aftermath is unbelievable. Keep walking away. Every best wish.
Thank you for your comment Janis.
I hope that you have been able to distance yourself from the N.
Cerebral or Somatic – the N just destroys everything he/she touches.
ES
Wow, I’ve just read this entire thread and 3948028 other articles about Narcissism the last few days.
I have only just realised that my husband is a Narcissist. Luckily, we are in a long distance relationship. He’s from a muslim country. We met 2 years ago in an online game (Don’t ask). We became good friends and then we moved to instant messenger..We saw each others pics and decided we were both pretty darn attractive. (I’m not a N by the way.) I was NOT looking for a partner at this time. It was just good fun to me. Anyway, things progressed into cam (all above board) although I do recall now how he used to joke about seeing my boobies and used to call them small (from what he could see) I thought in an attempt to get me to prove otherwise, now I see that he was putting my body down from the beginning. (they are no where near small so I never even picked up on it.
Then we began dreaming of meeting. At first, I wasn’t really taking it seriously but he really began to get impatient. (I took this as a sign he was really into me – eew) And, demanded I go soon or I am not that serious about him. Looking back now, I see all the signs, but I must also say because English isn’t his first language and because he’s from a different culture, I brushed off a lot of his little ways and even found them charming? He sold me the dream and off I went to see if this could really be “meant to be” If anything, it would be an adventure of a lifetime! And oh boy was it, it felt like a movie, the man was the most passionate, exciting, kind and loving creature you could ever meet. He asked me to marry him – because being alone together was wrong but he thought God wanted him to be with me, because God brought me to him etc etc etc…
Anyway, to cut a long story short, we continued instant messaging, meeting every 2 months and we did marry but it took me a year to get a divorce from my previous partner (healthy one lol) He was impatient but because of “guilt” I can’t say that these months before we married stayed harmonious, largely because I found out he was still talking to other girls etc… but because I refused to marry him until he showed me commitment, he corrected his behaviour and at the very least there were no more signs of cheating. It looked like he had learned, grown into the relationship, he could do anything for me… I do really think now that I am not just his Narcisstic supply in terms of daily but also part of a much bigger grander scheme… coming to England is the real NS. Before, I was wondering if it was just for a visa but because of his absolute undivided attention and devotion and how it actually felt when we were together. And, because I’m not your stereotypical visa bait…We met on a game. I am young, attractive, great career, just fell for the adventure… I believed that although it was part of the attraction, he genuinely was attracted to me physically. I read about foreigners marrying for visas and was massively confused because most wouldn’t go to so much trouble. They could choose easier prey, if you know what I mean. Also, is insatiable desire for sex – in real life and in turn cam confirmed he really did desire me. This confusion is now clarity. Its not about anything other than Nartisstic Supply. And, I had it coming out of my ears… travel, sex, absolute doting on him. Plus I am spiritual and although I didn’t convert, I was willing to become a “better woman”, whilst still being pretty independent and emotionally balanced.
I thought we were an absolute perfect adorable pairing and when we are finally together. We have so many dreams and plans! And, because he’d worked so hard for me, he will cherish me like the angel I am! Cue… devaluation… Now this is weird for me because now I look back I see I’ve been devalued in a very subtle way from the beginning. Fatty, Stupidy, Horrible, Crazy are all regular little pet names he has for me. Usually used in “jest” we had several minor disagreements about this in the beginning when it was decided our countries humours are just different and I learnt to ignore it. There had been other subtle things, like why I never dress sexy for him when I’m there (in private) – I thought I did lol. How my career is a pipe dream and it’s time to be smarty and get a real job. (I am actually pretty successful as it goes) I have rabbits teeth. (I do not.) All my friends are selfish and don’t care about me. The only person I need is him. Too many to recount now. (Had lots of Ahh Ha moments since reading all this and more coming.) Then big ones started once we were married but under the guise of Islam. I have to be home before 12 – even if he’s not. I must give up anything I am doing if he is sick/stressed/lonely. Some just mind boggling requests that had me seriously doubting my own sense of reality and what’s right. Coupled with the fact, I’d taken “not discussing your husband with anyone else out of respect” I had no one else to gauge from how absurd he was being. And, thinking that this is maybe the correct way for me to be a good wife lol I didn’t put up too much of a problem.
Now, this is where I think the real him started coming to play. When we realised the visa rules had changed and I was going to have to take a 6 month job to meet the new criteria. We were both massively disappointed and we had our first major fight because he said he was gonna give up. Give up! We were only just married. I got upset about that and he told me it always had to be about me. lol. Anyway, he calmed down and to my mind things were ok. Aside, from being a bit more moody and putting pressure on me to hurry up and find a job. (Not easy at the salary they require). I did find a job something I wouldnt normally work as (I am in a creative field and never been able to work 9-5) but I’d compromised for our dreams. I’m 3 months in. I work 40 hours a week, Yet I was the one expected to wait up until he chose to come home and sometimes, he wouldn’t even come home, so I’d be sat up knowing I’d be knackered the next day and he wouldn’t even show. This is when the real arguements started, when I didn’t leave an offline message lol to say I was going to bed. (because he didn’t deserve one in my opinion). He just could not accept that I don’t care enough about him to let him know I’m ok.
So it was these rather horrible and cold arguements (only a few days ago) that led me look for websites on Muslim Marriage to see what wives really are expected to endure. (Only a few days ago). What I found was just a whole can of worms which has totally turned my perception of my partner, our so called love story and what the future holds. UPSIDE DOWN. Since finding the truth about my situation, the horror as just washed over me, we had perhaps the worst two days ever, which I can only guess is because I am second guessing myself when I talk to him and he’s been more hostile than usual. it’s like he knows that I am onto him. Or maybe I am just being paranoid. But I am absolutely shell shocked to the core and now seeing him in completely different eyes. I am supposed to go out to him in 3 weeks for his birthday. I just don’t even know if I would dare now that I am armed with this information. He also said to me today that if I was with him then and there he would hit my face and take me to bed like the naughty woman I am…. which was just like conclusive evidence right there! I just don’t know what to do. I am reading as much as I can but I am seriously disturbed by it all. I don’t feel strong enough to just end contact, as is advised here. I know that I have it easier in that we aren’t in the same country (yet) but it’s been a daily, continual unfolding now for 2 years. To say I am addicted is an understatement, I don’t even know what I would do with my nights, without instant messenger! And, without my 2 monthly holidays full of fun and passion. And, without these big elobarate dreams which we’ve worked towards for 2 years. (well maybe I was the only one working.)
Btw, he never took money from me, he was very vigilent in being a real man, even if he didn’t have much. I really do think now I was just a massive resource in Nartisstic Supply and the perfect balance because I managed to stay reasonably emotionally strong (largely because I believe in the Law of Attraction and have an appreciation book which was my saving grace in fact!) I think that’s why he let me get away with demands because of the bigger NS coming. Sorry for rationalising what can’t be rationalised. (And, for the typos and rambling) – I just want some guidance and I am just trying to make sense of it all and make a plan! Since finding this stuff, I’ve stayed home 3 days, my house is a complete mess which probably reflects my mind and I am still honouring my daily communication with husband… I’ve also sat here for 20 minutes panicking about pressing send incase it shows my email address… (I know it says it doesn’t) And, jumped out my skin because I thought I’d heard the all familiar BUZZ from messenger… omg I am losing the plot. Help!
Dear What: Your email address will never show and if it was an option from WordPress, I would have blocked it years ago. As hard as it is…the best thing you could do is not contact him… He’d hit you in the face? You don’t need that.
ES
Hello, I just wanted to say that I’m being absued and its not just abuse its more extreme abuse and I’m at the point that I’m afraid to even try the no contact rule because my abuser physically and sexually abuses me and he is very much aware of what he does to me. I have been recently put in a choke hold. He came up from behind me and lifts me ten feet off the ground and just holds me there until I can’t breathe anymore. I had to fight him off of me and just five days ago he found out the password to my phone and he read something that he thought I was doing but I wasn’t so he physically abuses me and me asking him to leave and telling him that’s he’s wrong he left out the room and came back in with a butcher knife and starts poking me with it till he saw blood. I managed to call the police but he left before they arrived.
That’s just a little bit of what I went through but he is also threatening me and telling how he is going to kill me, (by stranglation) slowly!!! and yes I am very afraid.
But I can’t categorize his behavior is he a Narcissist? or a bully? He’s very agressive, jealous and controlling, He told me that he likes raping me, and that he is never going to stay out of my p***y and that I belong to him. Damn, this is so embarrassing sitting here trying to figure what type of abuser he is… he has urinated on me in the shower and said he was marking his territory with a smirk that creeped me out. He forced me to play the rushing roulette game and finding out that there was a bullet in the chambers and he was lauging about it saying damn we’re lucky?
But the last abuse that woke me up was when he started poking me with a butcher knife and actually drawing blood. Now I’m trying to do the no contact rule. I have ignored him for two days now and he comes by here everyday even when he know’s that I have a restraining order placed on him for threats and the police have taken care of that for me. I’m so happy but since I left him, will the abuse stop? I want to move on and start seeing other people but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea while going through an abusive breakup but he’s seeing other people already why can’t I?
So I’m gonna leave this confession with some love for those who are going through DOMESTIC VIOLENCE or some type of abuse is to please be care, be safe, take care and God Bless.
From hurtfulsoul aka Mildred
Mildred – Let’s not worry about your abuser’s exact label. We know he’s a sociopath, a psychopath. He needs to be in jail.
The next time he shows up at your home you need to call the police and have him arrested.
You need to tell the police that he violated the RO. Holding a butcher knife to you hard enough to draw blood is a violation.
ES
Mildred,
This person is a psychopath and there is NO helping him so you MUST help yourself and file a criminal complaint with law enforcement for assault with a deadly weapon, terrorist threats, rape, etc…..this person belongs behind bars and NOT out in the public. Gather your things and RUN and never look back, NEVER call him again, or let him find you. Go to your local District Attorneys Office they will help you! Keep us posted!
Thanks for commenting Justaguyinca.
I pray that the police will get involved.
ES
Hello Mildred.
I really hope that you are in a different position than you were in December, 2012. I understand your fear. N’s like to feel in control and very powerful; they like to call the shots. After my N came to my home one night (before I learned to set boundaries well), he upended my fridge and all the contents tipped out all over the floor and other carnage and damage to my home ensued that night. I was left shocked, numb, powerless and frightened like a very young and defenseless child and not like a grown woman. The abuse escalated over time from verbal when he called me all sorts of names, to physical after some time. This happened many times. Then, there were the screaming tirades in the small hours of the morning with him ranting on my front lawn and sometimes inside the house. Once, he was so jealous and angry with me that he threw my possessions from my car and tore my Bible into pieces and each time I rescued it, he tore it again and again. He has damaged so much of my property. The last two occasions were scary. He was angry and threatened to damage and throw my work laptop. I called the police. They came and took him away but searched his bag before he left my home. In it, they found two large sharp knives. Before I finally terminated the relationship, I confronted him about another woman and he ignored me so I said what I had to say and went to bed. He was angry at being ignored and came to where I was sleeping and pulled the covers off me and wrenched my arm badly and threw me to the floor. I was in a lot of pain over the next few days and also felt a lot of shame and hurt along with feeling powerless. it was at that point that I knew I had to leave the relationship. It was quite some time after that, that I actually had the strength and power to leave and go NC. It has taken a few times of re-connecting and going NC to finally be able to do it for once and all. Each time we re-connected, it is fine for a couple of days and then the grief cycle starts all over again. I have time I become aware that contact with him only drags me down and causes my self-esteem to plummet and all the good healing work that has been started goes back to square one. He has also pulled my hair and jumped on my back and laughed. Sexually, once we were playing a game and at my most vulnerable he held my arms and began to tickle me under the arms and I could not escape. He was laughing and it was agonising. He thought that it was very funny to watch me squirm in pain and fear. I felt very frightened. I can well understand how you can fear for your life. I have learned that NC is the only thing that works along with getting professional therapy help for myself so that I can learn to never allow such a person access to my life or my home ever again. I do hope that things are better for you now and that you have managed to get some good support for yourself.
Suzanne: Thank you for commenting to Mildred. I hope she is in a better place as well.
ES
I had to leave a comment.
I met my N when I was 16 and knew something was wrong, but he was able to talk me out of believing what I already knew. He was also 16, and he treated his mother like garbage but was good to me. I found this perplexing. Fast-forward, 14 years. He had asked me to marry him several times, but I knew something just wasn’t right. I was in the throws of deep abuse, but afraid to leave. We eventually hit about a year of “relative” bliss, and I thought to myself, “the grass isnt greener on the other side and i’m not getting any younger” as they say, so I said yes, and married him at age 29. I had a baby at 30, then another baby at 37. The abuse continued and escalated. I was trapped. Every story on this blog echoes my story the entire life of the ‘relationship.’ My kids were abused, but I couldn’t leave because I was afraid that in the custody battle, he would definitely get half custody and I wouldn’t be able to offer the relative protection to my kids that I did daily as they fended off his attacks and sick, twisted scenarios. I planned on my calendar to leave when my youngest turned 15 so that he could choose to live with me legally. He asked me not to let his dad ever have custody, and I didn’t. The time finally came last year. I divorced him. I had planned this for a long time and was able to predict his actions with amazing accuracy. I got custody of my son. I am living now with my daughter, grandson, and my youngest son in our family home. I have the house. Though underwater, the ex N has to pay me spousal support for life. I am 53. I feel that staying is what kept my kids ‘ok’ because I was there to stand up to their father. When he left the house, my kids cheered with joy. The house is peaceful. Everyone is happy and we work together. Ex N tries to come over occasionally and rile us all up, but I haven’t tolerated him for a minute since he left. I knew all too well who and what he was before he left. It’s difficult because I have given the most of my life for the kids, but I swear to God. If they had to go to his house and take his abuse without being able to have access to me, God only knows how they would be today. They are “OK”. We’re ok. I know many people out there fear the N and for great reason, however they are VERY predictable once you recognize all of the things written on this site. They are like one person. Very predictable. What I did, was tell him how I was suffering, and how sad I was all of the time to keep him thinking everything was fine. I didn’t let on about the impending divorce until it was time to move forward. I made sure I had the money to do it. I got my ducks in a row financially and more important, emotionally. Its still a challenge, but I have a new boyfriend now. I’m simply enjoying his company and enjoying my life and my freedom, and indeed my victory. “Cheers” It has been 37 years, and I am finally able to live my life free. Oh, I got half of the retirement and a settlement agreement giving me money as long as he lives. He hates it, but …. too bad. He isn’t suffering. He wanted me to die alone. The kids love being around me, because I was always there for them. Funny how quickly we all bounced right back and are walking in the sunshine. If I did it, anyone can.
Dear itsover: Thank you for sharing your success story with all of us.
There are many readers who need to know that someday it will be okay.
ES
I love this thread. It is so encouraging to see how people are leaving their narc. I too, continue to walk away. Good work. I also felt completely addictd and flattened by the devaluing and discarding. I have had one awful text exchange when I broke no contact to tell him off…followed by complete punishment…other than that, I have kept no contact for 6 months. Everyone, stay strong for the holidays!!! This will be the first Christmas in 6 years that I have not moved around my husband and children to spend Christmas with my N and his family. I’m planning a fabulous party and celebration of my new life…
jlc: I hope that you will never give the N another moment of your time or another Christmas away from your family.
ES
It’s been five weeks since I left my N. I felt relieved initailly as I have been planning to leave him for months as I could no longer tolerate his abuse and raging temper. He made contact with me pretending to feel sad and reminding me that there are moments when he has made me happy too. He could not resist saying it was my fault that caused him to explode.
Fed up…. I told him that I had enough of his crazy insane behaviour and will no longer stand his bullying. I reminded him that all the people closest to him (his mother, sisters, daugher, ex wife) and myself had suffered the most from him. Told him that no man will tolerate his abuse except the women and that is not at all macho! I think I hit a raw nerve as he is always so proud of his macho manly behaviour and I have not heard from him since.
Unfortunately we still have some unfinished issues to resolve but are communicating via a family member. From feeling relieved, I am relapsing on the fourth week into sadness, missing him and the inner emptiness is beginning to eat into me……he tried to play on my weakness but I sent him a very strong angry critical email which pissed him off. I guess I miss the false him and I feel lonely and empty inside me. I know I should never take him back and I can’t tolerate his behaviour anymore.
I have to acknowledge that I am suffering from a heart break and it will take time for me to get over Him and over it. After seven years, his dominant control of my life, I am like a bird in a cage that has lost the skill in flying and I feel scared and lost. But I have made plans for 2013 to be away from home, travelling the world and keeping myself on the move just so that I am distracted and busy. Hopefully, with time, the wound will heal and I will be back to my old self.
I just have to observe no contact and stay strong. I have no other choice if I want to save myself from being totally destroyed.
Dear Fanny: That little bird will learn to fly again, it will just take time. It will happen.
Travel sounds like an excellent idea for staying busy and distracted! Take lots of photos and bring a journal with you.
I hope that year end is peaceful and calm for you.
ES
I questioned for a long time and still do I guess about the guy I was with for about two years, whether he was an N or not. I guess it doesn’t really matter other than piecing together why I still feel like I’m recovering from being hit by a locomotive. It’s been a year since we broke up and I have not been able to crawl out of major depression. I was already depressed, although I honestly wasn’t aware of it until recently doing some work in therapy. While in the “relationship” I became addicted to him. I saw so many reasons to get out and even broke up with him quite a few times, only to return over and over.
I hate not being able to move on, and I don’t mean necessarily into another relationship. I just hate that I’m still not over it.
He didn’t fully leave until he had another relationship firmly in place. While we were seeing each other, he had been separated, living with his mother…he was having severe financial hardship, despite him working two jobs. The new girl had a house and two jobs. Two months in and they were moving in together. The rejection was really tough and the quick choice to be with someone else in a live in situation was a double blow.
But I think the hardest was when I received a text from the new girl, repeating a bunch of really mean things that he supposedly said about me and clearly blaming me for the demise and also calling me names. This after I texted HIM, not her, wanting him back in my life…pathetic I know
Apparently according to what I’m reading here and what I’ve learned on other sites and books, narcissists outright blame and call their significant others names to their faces. The guy I was with, he kept his mean opinions about me, from me but, as it turns out was saying all kinds of stuff to trash me behind my back while he was wooing the woman who became his new girlfriend.
There were other red flags of course so it hardly seems justified to think that at least if he’d been verbally abusive to my face, I’d have known what I was dealing with. But I don’t know, this just seems really sneaky and maybe even different. Could he still be a narcissist anyway?
Anne:
Keep doing work with your therapist. For the sake of argument – let’s just say he’s a Narcisssit.
The N doesn’t have to call you names to your face to be an N. Sounds like this one did lots of bad-mouthing you to his new source of supply. Talking trash about you to the new supply, caused her to pity him….”Oh the poor man, so abused by his past girlfriend.” (Say it with a whine in your voice.)
Red Flag # 1 – “He was having severe financial hardship, despite him working two jobs.”
Translation – Bull s**t- He needed/wanted money from you.
Red Flag # 2 – “The new girl had a house and two jobs. Two months in and they were moving in together.”
Translation – He found a new “sugar-mama” to move in with.
Boy is that one so very N like.
N’s are sneaky.
Mine was big on gaslighting.
They are two faced sneaky b*****ds.
You can be sure that somewhere down the line he’s going to be dumping the girl friend he’s got now.
A year later, I was still raw from the abuse – everyone heals at their own pace.
Be sure that you are not “N – Dipping.”
That means that you are not looking him up on Facebook, My Space, Linken, online dating sites and wherever else you might cyberstalk him to see what he is doing. Doing this only sabotages your recovery. It is like have a huge wound on your arm that has finally scabbed over and then you pick at it until it bleeds and cracks open. Don’t do it.
Do what your therapist is telling you to do.
ES
Thanks. I can’t believe you replied so fast. The checking on FB has been tough and I’ve done that but not in awhile. You’re right. It does hinder recovery. One thing though, there was no money that he could’ve gotten from me and he knew it going in. I wasn’t in a position to move him into where I lived when we met and he knew it. I thank God now, because I would have if I could have.
About a year into our entanglement, I became injured and could not work. By the time he left I was recovering from the physical injury (herniated disk, NOT brought on physically by him). One of the things he had his girlfriend text to me was that I was a lazy out of work loser who he paid for far too long.
We did go out a lot. But I did have SOME income and we went dutch from time to time. Geez, he paid for dates he usually was the one to ask ME out on.
He was married twice by the way and both times he was the “bread winner.” The first wife didn’t work and the second one went from job to job, and spent a lot of time usually not working.
I think he was looking for an escape in me. I think he used me like a drug. It didn’t matter to him at first that I didn’t have much. He was going to take care of it all. (How was always my question as he couldn’t dig himself out of the hole he was in.) I was resistant and knew I needed to get back on my feet, but then the injury and now the depression is ridiculous. I feel paralyzed. I think he was like a drug for me too and I’m still withdrawing. God, it’s so frustrating.
I think he blames all the women he’s ever been with for his life being so miserable. He found another woman to whine to, when we were having really bad times emotionally. He did it with me in the beginning. Wifey not doing what wifey should be doing…another woman showing attention…must be with other woman and moan about how bad I have it.
But this new one not only listened to his belly aching, she also had material things to offer that he hadn’t gotten from a woman before. He was ready to be rescued and stop playing the rescuer, which he failed at, every time anyway.
I was guilty for wanting to be rescued as well, I’m ashamed to say. But yeah, the biggest slap was sending his girlfriend in to do his dirty work and sick her on me, hiding behind her proverbial skirt. WTF?
Oh yeah, I forgot, I was also accused of sending the new girlfriend something. The text said, “it was pretty mean sending (name of girl) sh*t.”
I told him in a text reply I didn’t do that and someone must’ve hacked my account. And I was assuming that it happened on FB w/out really knowing. I was answering in a traumatized state of mind too. BUT…I didn’t even know her name until I was accused of doing this thing I didn’t do.
In addition to being called a lazy loser, I was also called mean and sick because of this thing I was accused of.
So given that, I don’t even want that in my life. It’s drama beyond anything reality tv has come up with and quite frankly creepy and scary.
Thanks btw, for being out here. I’ve gotten a lot of comfort here.
Hi Anne:
You’re welcome and thank you.
When I have a new comment from someone who I can tell is in the midst of the worst days of recovery, I think back and remember what it meant to me to have someone respond to a question or snippet of my storyso quickly. I try to respond the same way.
So, if you didn’t have $$ that the N wanted, you can be 99% sure that he saw qualities in you that he wanted to mimic from you. Yes, they really do hate women – the N I knew did as well, so that’s at least two of N as an alumni from N University.
The email you are accused of sending the new girl/supply….sounds pretty fishy to me, like it was all a ploy to regain contact with you while you defend yourself.
ES
you guys have way to much time on your me me me hands, labels are for jars and bottles not people.
Hey M:
I’ve got a label for you…..
If you don’t have a worthwhile comment – don’t comment.
ES
you are approved, for now.
Anne:
I know exactly how you feel. Just one thing I like to comment is that the text message that he accused you of sending to his current girl friend was not from someone who hacked into your account. It was from him to either create the tension between his girl friend and you so that it validates his story to her how bad you are as a person (thereby winning her sympathy) or it was simply to set you up against each other to feed into his perverse ego.
My N not only abused me but he tried to alienate me from my friends and family. He had no friends and was always jealous that I had alot of people who cared for me. But he was smart. He fabricated stories, planted evidence to substantiate his stories in order to convince me that no one (except him) could be trusted. He even made up stories against my maid to give the impression that my maid could not be trusted. And to shatter my confidence level he tried to confuse me with things he said and than denied them later accusing me of suffering from dementia as my 84 year old father.
N are cruel people and they derive great joy in causing pain to you. They are skilful in mind games and is always plotting ahead because they trust no one and want total control.
Despite all this and worse, it’s hard to break free but you must.
I agree with Fanny, this does sound like something the N would do.
If they are not techno savvy, they enlist someone who is.
ES
Hi Fanny-
I’d be surprised if he was able to send something that actually looked like it was from me. He wasn’t exactly tech savvy. Heh, although that coulda been an act. What my thoughts were on it is that his stbx wife sent it. She had been living with an IT tech who would’ve had access to software that can do that stuff. I think she’s just as messed up as he is and quite capable of that sort of thing.
I had known about a couple times (through her) that he had confided in her some stuff about me. But she always had a problem with me seeing him and she played her part in things she’d do to try to drive wedges between us. So I wouldn’t doubt for a second she did it…having the “ammo” for content in order to put that permanent wedge between us forever. She always tried to win him back when we were together, among other behaviors. So even though he’s with someone else, she’s probably really thankful and relieved I’m out of the picture. In her eyes I was the love of his life.
We’d been together before years ago and broke up, going our separate ways, both of us each dating someone else. He married the one he’d been dating. And it turns out they talked to each other about their past experiences in quite a bit of detail.
Either way. Even if it was someone else (and I’m aware that you could be right. That scenario crossed my mind too) he certainly could’ve even made it all up for all I know. Maybe he and his ex wife got together and did it together. I will never know what really happened. But either way all this really slams home the fact that he is not a normal loving human being and won’t even consider his responsibility in it.
You say it’s hard to break free and I agree. And I think that’s because we can’t believe (or maybe I should speak just for myself) that someone could behave in loving ways, and turn into something so ugly. So accepting the ugly part is really tough to do. I think it’s also tough because self esteem was already low and even though the behaviors have everything to do with HIS dark and lonely soul, it’s really hard to accept that it wasn’t ALL me.
Intellectually, I know he has emotional/mental problems and that he behaves the way he does no matter who he is with. But connecting that with a solid emotional knowing is the tricky part.
I’m off of Facebook as I felt too vulnerable to stay. And I was never a member of Myspace. However that doesn’t keep me exempt from being able to see pictures so it can take tremendous strength some days not to check it out.
I have depression out of this and part of me is thankful because if this hadn’t happened I wouldn’t know how serious it is (I already had it before him, the entanglement and break up just triggered the trauma) Depression can have deleterious effects on the physical body…such as heart disease for example.
There’s something to be said for dying of a broken heart. I refuse to give him that satisfaction.
They are unhappy if they think you are doing great without them. You are right. Stay away and take time to grieve and heal as we need to do that in order to move forward hugs.
Yes, they have a skeuued sense of emotions. If their supply is sad, then it had better be about the N and the N had better have caused the unhappiness. If you are happy, it had better be something the N did to make the supply happy.
This doesn’t make sense, does it? Totally N like.
ES
Hugs back to you Fanny- Sorry for spelling your name wrong before.
Thank you so much for the support. And you too Elisse. I hope all here can find peace and some enjoyment in the holidays.
Hugs to you and Fanny.
Hope you have the Merriest of Christmases – N-Free.
ES
postscript – I fixed the name part.
Boy, do I have a sure lot to vent and write about tomorrow :*( … I wish I was stronger but for now I will tell you that of all the sites about narcissists, this is the best, most supportive one I have come across, however, sadly it confirms something I truly didn’t want to believe. I’m very sad to see this all now as I just discovered this a few weeks ago and was still making excuses but truly, this blog you have started is a blessing in disguise. Thank you!
Kristen: Thank you. I am sorry that you’ve been through such a difficult relationship. I am glad that you have found comfort and wisdom on my blog. I will be here when you are ready to write about what you’ve been through.
ES
I am so grateful to have found this blog. I am crying as I write this. I ended it with my N 2 days ago. We were supposed to be celebrating our one year anniversary on a vacation, this week.
I have so many conflicting emotions inside right now. I am beyond sad. I am devastated, I feel stupid, I feel betrayed. I do not want to believe that all the loving and wonderful things he said was sheer manipulation and lies. That is what my heart is telling me. My head realizes that it was drama one month in, lies when there was no need to lie, being made to feel less than. I just can not get my rational mind to win over my shattered heart.
It’s only been 2 NC days on my part. I wanted him to text me or call me so badly, but when he did text last, I got physically sick. Did not respond. Later that night he sent a picture of the restaurant where we were supposed to be celebrating with the text line, “I am really missing you”. So proud of myself that I didn’t respond.
My angry side is screaming, “what you miss is how I made you feel. You didn’t love me. You loved being loved BY me and that’s what you miss”.
So why am I an absolute wreck, missing him so badly and wishing that he would think I was the one person worth changing for, and love me the way I loved him? Please tell me this gets better, because I feel like I am dying inside.
Dear Indy: It does get better, but you are not going to believe that on Day Three of NC.
You are grieving.
This is real life and it will take time to heal as you grieve.
Someone that you loved just died and even worse the person you loved never really existed.
Take one moment at a time.
Soon you may be able to handle life one day at a time.
ES
……. I’ve been feeling so exposed & anxious. I’ve been coming unglued. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Everything has felt like a strange dream, so surreal and unfamiliar somehow, I don’t know how to describe it. I’ve felt like a stranger in my own life.
It sounds like you have symptoms of PTSD which is totally justified after surviving a relationship with a narcissist. It will get better. Ask your doctor if they would reccomend a therapist for you to see.
ES
This is one of the best sites I have found so far and I’m so happy I found it.
I have been with my N for 3 years now. He was the most amazing man I had ever met. I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship and engagement when I met him. We started as friends going for a drink with others after work on occasion. After a couple of weeks, just the 2 of us began making plans to meet up. I told him from the beginning that I was not looking to date anyone but I enjoyed his company and had a great time with him. He said he understood since he had just gotten out of a relationship also and respected my feelings. He seemed like such a considerate and wonderful person. He would do anything for me and my daughter and I never had to ask, always called to make sure I made it home ok, made dinner for me, etc. He charmed the pants right off of me!!!
After a month of being together 24/7 (we worked together also), I slept with him. I do not sleep around and that is the quickest I have ever been with anyone but felt that we were adults (36 & 38) and had spent enough time together that it was okay. After that, we were inseparable. He had full custody of his 2 young children because his ex-wife was “unfit” and I had full custody of my child. Immediately, everything just clicked. The 5 of us went everywhere together, made dinner together and we stayed at his house all of the time. He asked me to move in right away but I declined not wanting to give up my home again in case things didn’t work out. I was worried about staying there all of the time but my child was a little older than his and she was okay with it and truly loved them. She felt like she had a real “family” and loved being a part of it.
Anyway, the rest of the story is just like everyone else’s. After 6-8 months everything changed. There were a few changes before that but it didn’t get really bad until about 8 months into it. He became distant and criticizing, he no longer did the sweet things he used to and was no longer understanding or sympathetic about anything. I was always there to encourage him and support him anytime he had stresses but when I needed him to be there for me, he either ignored me or was rude. There is much more to the story – disappearing, blaming me for everything, criticizing me, telling me I was a whore for sleeping with him after a month, accusing me of cheating (I have NEVER cheated on anyone) etc etc.
I know all of you are familiar with this behavior. I could write a book if I mentioned everything that happened over the past 3 years. I guess my main reason for writing is the fact that I don’t know how to let him go. He is like an addiction. We are now split up (7 days of no contact). We have been through this SEVERAL times. I normally handle it okay for the first week because I am still so mad at him and remind myself of the horrible things he has done. But after a week or so I begin to forget the bad things and start reminiscing about all the love that we use to share and how happy we were and our kids. It was the kind of relationship you read about in a fairy tale and I thought I had finally found the love of my life.
I have blocked his number so he can’t text or call with his apologies or excuses – I always give in because I want to believe he means it and hope so much that the person I fell in love with has come back around. I know I cannot be with him anymore, he is destroying me!! I don’t know how to let him go though. I have plenty to keep me busy – I am a single mother, work full time and go to school full time for my MBA but he still seems to take up 90% of my mind!
Thank you all for listening and any suggestions would be great.
Good luck to all of you that are dealing with this same type of person.
Christine:
Here are two big RED Flags waving fervently that I see in your comment:
1) Stop Reminiscing! Do NOT watch Little River Band’s video from 1978. Its just a 30 + year old song.
2) Male/Female relationships are NOT a fairy tale. Read the original Grimm’s fairy tales – that is more “real life.” Disney did a grave injustice to little girls everywhere with all the “happily ever after” stories that have been hyped for years. Good thing I did not have daughters. I would have sat with them, pointing the discrepancies in the plots.
ES
You must LET IT GO. Best advice (that sounds simplistic but is very hard, I know, I’ve done it) is to remind yourself it wasn’t real. These people manipulate. What they do isn’t real. I had to tell myself about 800 times, those sweet, magical, happy moments that swept me – a very practical person – off my feet were not real, they were manipulation. It is difficult for non-N people like us to grasp the notion because we would never deceive others. Ultimately, this knowledge is what helped me make sense of what happened and move on. (And please do not mistake me for a hardened person. I believed it was real at the time and still occasionally wish it had been – albeit with the right guy.)
Laura: Very good advice.
Thank you for commenting.
ES
It was totally cool reply from someone’s blog & appropriate cuz I’m still putting my self,my heart, my very caring loving Spirit together & it is a unreal journey but well worth the depression I had to go through & I would never ever allow anyone to live with me, inspire them & encourage them again!
It’s a debilitating diesease to endure & survive & I think it’s a choice they make in life to behave this way & they aren’t aware of it!!??
Confuses my head, you just didn’t count, still don’t & got preyed upon used & criticized, beaten like you were The most HATED woman on earth & then kicked to the curb, never explained to you & uses the RO 3 yrs as a cover up.
He’d been always seeing others online you name it. If his mouth was moving, it’s lie & there is no need to ask or talk about anything!!!
All of that is extremely hard to accept with all that’s taken from you! A roller coaster ride that will drive one to drink & I finally stopped that a month ago. No soul is worth your own self destruction cuz all he did was criticize you to make a fool of you.
Thanks for sharing Kay – One can make no sense of a narcissist.
All my best to you.
ES
What started out for me as NC..so he would miss me..has turned out to be the greatest thing in the world for me!! The N FOG CLEARED!! And I started realizing….little by little that I was feeling happier each day….less stressed and that knot in my stomach was going away!! I no longer wish for him to miss me..or contact me ever again! It just takes time…and patience…with oneself… It’ll happen…..:-)
Right – many people think that the N will start mopping around missing their supply when it couldn’t be further from the truth.
ES
I should mention it has only been a few days…well ..a week actually..and I was mean and vindictive…really let him have it..mirrored back to him..all his ugliness…this last time….But, the times I went NC before where for the soul purpose of getting him to miss me…..this time…is what has taught me I know longer care to have him in my life….hope this clarifies…
I will try to keep it short although as any matter of the heart it can probably fit between the covers of a book.
Anyway, I met a girl over the internet a few months after exiting a 2 yr relationship which ended with me being cheated on. So I meet this girl and we go over the honeymoon period – it was amazing, she is really beautiful, sexy, etc. she was very attentive, nice and loving at the beginning with the occasional red flags which I ignored due to the fact that she was so wonderful. Needless to say I fell head over heals altho she is 18 and I am 25.
She portrayed herself to have all the morals and values that I was looking for.
I will cut the story short here.
A few months into the relationship she started showing major red flags. I caught a text between her and guy a few months into the relationship setting up meetings with him to have sex. When I confronted her she poured her heart out about her dark past, how much she’s been hurt and how this guy was someone she would sleep for with money but she hasn’t done it since we started dating and he was just pursuing her. She guaranteed she would never go back to that life and stupid me got back with her.
The following months were full of ups and downs (coldness, abuse etc) which brings me to our break up. I know she is a Narc but I found some weirdness in how we broke up even tho I’m sure it can be explained as fitting the Narc patterns of behaviour. Basically she broke down telling me how she feels disconnected with herself and she can’t love. Then, after I thought she was depressed I assured her I’ll help her, only to wake up to a text from her a few days after telling me how she can’t keep accepting my love and how she is dead inside, heartless, etc.
Also in that text she admitted how she kept seeing guys for money throughout our relationship even after I caught her and how she’s been seeing someone lately who abuses her and makes her feel like garbage. She told me I should leave and realize she is not worth it. I didn’t reply to her text and a few hours later she sent another one asking if we could meet so she can drop off some things to me. Then another, how she’s on her way and for me to be there when she gets there. When she arrived at the said place she called a few times and got frustrated that I’m not there. Then finally said she is throwing out the stuff she came to give me and that I should never worry about her anymore.
I’ve been in No Contact with her since.
She has displayed all the N patterns that I’ve read about. It is just weird how she is aware of her illness to some extent. I still miss her but know there is no going back. I am just wondering if her awareness makes her partially N or something like that and I can’t help but wonder what is going on through her mind now and if she misses me or if she will ever try to contact me again.
Please give me your opinion. Thank you so much for reading. I needed to share.
PS: all this happened 2 weeks ago.
Hey Jay:
It is really hard to say whether she is aware of her disorder. I’m not a doctor so I can’t tell you if there are partial N’s. I do know there are 20 characteristics of narcissism and some N’s display more traits than others.
I don’t know if it possible for them to “miss” their “dried up” supply. I don’t know if she will contact you again or not. I do know that you have the Power to not accept any messages, texts, calls etc.
I am more worried for you re: your physical relationship with a possible N who has been having sex with other men for money. I am sure you know what I am going to say next – you need to have a medical check up, soon. Tell your doctor about your former partner and her “extracuricular” activities. Evidently, she was a very good actress telling you about her “morals.”
Let me know how things are going for you.
ES
I have been married to a “N” for 13 years. We seperated for 3 years but I was weak and took him back. We’ve been back together now for 4 years. It has been a rough 4 years!! I am filing a PFA and afraid to do a “No Contact” because I am so addicted to him and get anxious thinking about him leaving me for good. I just want him to get help because I know he loves me. Is there any hope for a “N” who is 57 years old. I am 37 and his 3rd wife (that I know of). Troubled and confused.
Trudi:
I have removed your last name from your comment for your privacy and safety.
No Contact will only work if you are no longer with the narcissist and from your comment, as brief as it was, I can tell that you are not ready to give up the N.
Would you consider counseling?
You could “develop a spine” during therapy and then when you are stronger you will find the strength to leave.
I am sorry that you lost the three years of escape from the N and took him back.
Did you know that N’s do not seek help for their disorder? If forced into therapy he will have the counselor so “snowed” she or he will think that you are the crazy one.
The fact that you are wife number 3 should be an indication to you that things will not be happily ever after.
Elisse Stuart
Hello there. My name is Suzanne.
I am reminded of that chilling scene in the re-make of ‘The Day of the Jackal’ where there is a guy with white hair (albino) who is a hired assassin, who kills this guy who is gay. The assassin needs a place to assemble this diabolical gun to take out the president of the US. He has no ability to feel empathy or express remorse; in truth, he is like ice and has no true human feelings. He is like a machine. He chats up this gay guy in a bar and something like 6 months later, rings the guy at work and they agree to go out for dinner at the gay guy’s invitation. The unwitting gay guy tells the assassin where his house key is and the assassin turns up at the guy’s house. The reason that the assassin made contact in the first place is that he simply needed a place in that city to assemble a lethal remote-controlled weapon. The gay guy is inconsequential to his plans and is an unwitting source of supply to the assassin. The assassin is sitting in the kitchen eating Asian take-out, when the gay guy comes in from work all happy to see the assassin and is shocked to see the assassin sitting there not smiling but eating the take-out. The news is on the TV and there is a ‘Wanted’ picture of the assassin. The gay guy flicks his eyes to the TV and sees it and tries not to look shocked. The assassin merely picks up a hand gun and shoots the gay guy in the head without blinking then goes on eating. He retires in peace to the basement garage where he assembles the gun and the gay guy is given no more thought since he has fulfilled the assassin’s purpose. This is how the N functions and do not be misled. That is all you are to a N, no matter how nicely he might treat you at first. The N is the consummate actor.
Reason I’m sharing this is because it connects me with the way that N thinks and acts and the reason for this?
I have recently finished a 1 1/2 year relationship with my psychopathic/narcissistic boyfriend. At first it was lots of fun. N loved fun and excitement! He was so very funny that he had me in stitches, laughing. He was charming and his voice was so soothing and sensual. He appeared so confident and was one of the most handsome men I have ever seen. Within a few weeks he was wanting to be my boyfriend and to live with me. I never allowed this! He is Cuban, is very handsome with dreadlocks and is the most amazing woman magnet I have ever met. To dance with him was to feel as if I’d died and gone to heaven. He is a professional dancer and together we danced salsa. I am in the higher levels of salsa so to dance with him was like a dream come true and I had visions of us dancing together and going through life together. He was full of grand ideas for us (another trait that N have – they have fanciful dreams that have no basis in reality). They learn to read you like a book and are very socially competent. Then they use your dreams to annihilate you after they have seduced you into believing that they will be the ones to grant you your dreams so they can come true. (Be aware that if you have dreams, make sure that you are your own Prince Charming and have a good plan in place to turn those dreams into reality yourself without the N’s help!) There were red flags right from the beginning, such as a drinking problem and a ganja (What is ganja? ES) problem. He also had a menial job that was under threat because of his ability to continually turn up late. He also lived in a horrible little room that had a disgusting shared bathroom and laundry. It was a very tawdry and deprived space. Why didn’t I heed those red flags you might ask!? Interestingly, in the beginning we would chat for hours and guess what about? Yes, that’s right; HIM! I began to see that it was all about him; all of the time! I also noticed that it was always about him needing me to do something for him or him needing something from me. He would make plans and it was ok if they were his plans that I fitted in with but if they were plans that I wanted us to do, he always managed to sabotage them so we never got to do what I wanted. The major feelings were incredible disappointment and feeling let-down. Over time, I realised that I was feeling more and more tired. Eventually, I noticed that I felt anxious a lot of the time, did not enjoy our time together after a day or so, and I was losing my joy and confidence. I am a good dancer but he would criticise my dancing so I would feel like I was a really bad dancer. I am a good dancer and still have a lot to learn, like we all do when we are learning. Eventually, I was just feeling plain confused and there were some incidents that made me feel scared.
I began to see a kinesiologist and a counselor to unravel what was going on. He would say that he loved me but I would not feel loved and when we were dancing, he would disappear after saying that he was just going to the bathroom. Then I would see him dancing with another woman. Once I saw him with this woman with whom he was dancing and went up to them and stood next to him. He had obviously taken her phone number. When I asked him about her, he lied about who she was, because another time, he gave another answer about who she was. I could never tell if he was speaking truth or lies. There were many incidents to cause me concern, but he was really a gift to me. Through the counseling I have been undergoing, I have become a lot stronger and have learned to set boundaries so that my relationships with all people are healthier. Through seeing the kinesiologist, I have learned about several old patterns from my childhood which were embodied in the N. I was a bit like a little dog pleading for a small crumb and at the mercy of his generosity. The crumbs of affection never eventuated except in tiny doses and at his whim. I learned how I always said ‘Yes’ and not ‘No’ when I should have said ‘No’. I learned about how I longed for connection with my father who died when I was 9 years old. I longed for affection from him and for him to be proud of me and to really love me as I deserved.
So, instead of attacking the N, I would sit for hours journalling as he was sitting in his chair across from me (heaven forbid that we would cuddle together on the couch; dear me No!). I wrote out all my pain as I was experiencing it and together with the counselor and the kinesiologist, we put me together, probably for the first time now that all these hidden patterns were emerging thanks to my N boyfriend. I was able to stay fairly separate since I really understood that this WAS NOT ABOUT ME AND NEVER WAS! The blessing in all this is that as I continued to see what all this was about and deal with the grief and the pain, I was slowly able to extricate myself. Truly, if anyone continues to stay with a N, they will get very sick, lose themselves and perhaps get a life-threatening illness from which they will die, or they will feel so decimated over time, that they may feel like committing suicide and will lose the will to live. N addiction is a terrible addiction and it is so hard to get free but if you get to the point where you have had enough, get some professional support, make sure that you gather a support network around you and definitely go No Contact. I wasn’t sure about this in the beginning and was able to do this for almost a month. Then the N and I re-connected. BIG MISTAKE! It was wonderful for a day, then back to what it was before. A few rounds of this re-connection cycle and I have learned that in order to see clearly and to start to heal, it is wisest to have NC. The N will never change. They do not realise that there is anything wrong with them and they have no desire for change. They are incapable of taking responsibility for any harm they have caused and will always change the story to make themselves out to be the victim. They start out beautifully but are incapable of sustaining a real relationship. Those involved with them though, do have the opportunity to heal and go on to more loving and wholesome genuine relationships.
Finally, I am feeling wonderful again. The grief is shifting and I have got back my joy and peace. My home is peaceful once more and I am healing. I am not tired any more and am getting enough sleep. As each day of NC goes by, I continue to heal and feel better. Strangely, many people involved with N speak of the way that the N keeps them up until the wee hours at the N’s whim. This was true for me. I am surrounded by loving people once more and my boundaries are now clear and I am using them with all people around me who need or want something from or with me. Most of all, I am learning to truly love and cherish myself. The only way that the N was able to get involved with me was because of a lack of self-love within me. It is true, I believe that if I really love myself, then I will attract people to me who love me at that level. Water seeks its own level. A song that has always been precious to me is one that George Benson sings ‘The Greatest Love of All’. I listen to the words of that song over and over ‘Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. There are also 2 songs by Fleetwood Mac; ‘Do You Know (all about love)’ and ‘Hard Feelings’ and one by Susan Boyle ‘You’ll See’. These songs speak to me about the need to value yourself.
Finally I am getting freer and the gift of the N is that once you have worked your way through the pain and healing, you will never have the chinks in your soul that will allow the N to be attracted to you ever again, or you to him/her. I truly wish that you all find your way to have your lives with joy and peace. Blessings on you all who are on this site.
Suzanne: Thank you for sharing your story with everyone here.
I know you will stay strong with NC.
ES
I am so happy to find this blog, just like many of us. It’s been 5 months of NC with my ex N. it has been only 3 days since I found out about NPD and was shocked how so many things match. I will tell my story later, but there is still one fact about him that leaves me confused.
My ex N is a musician. Moreover he is an amazing musician. I am a classical pianist myself and I just know that it is really impossible to fake your emotions when it comes to music. You can be really skilled technically, but if you don’t feel – it is just obvious.
His playing is extremely emotional- it can be tender, passionate, sad, everything you would want to hear . And it’s not just me who senses that. Music- was one of the reasons I was so much in love with him.
Everything else what I read about NPD – matches with his personality.
I really have a difficult time understanding that.
Thank you for your blog!
Hmmm well, maybe because they can manipulative the Music – they can control the emotions of the music. An N’s rage, anger and hate are all emotions….the notes that we hear as love, perhaps the N is playing those notes with a different emotion.
I know that’s “really out there” for an answer but maybe the N is expressing an emotion, just not the one you think.
ES
Hi Olga:
My ex narc was also a musician. That is what attracted me to him. Are you sure he wasn’t just technically perfect?
I really had to listen to my ex narc and realized that he was just technically perfect. If there was emotion in the music, I think he faked it. Furthermore, he was always in some kind of conflicct with others that he was playing with, particularly the women. Strange that these things are all just making sense to me now. Remember, Narcs are good at faking emotions. That is how we fell in love with them.
I have chosen to share my story because Narcissistic abuse is so destructive and I know that I went through a lot of denial and twists and turns before realising that the N does not really have the capacity to love and whether he is loving or nasty, it is both the same thing; designed to get Narcisstic supply; whatever works! I was getting sicker and sicker both physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and my joints were starting to have flare-ups of pain from stress, I couldn’t concentrate on the important things of my life and I was turning into a dead person who was walking around. I finally began to see that NC was the only thing that would work after having contact and going through grief cycle after grief cycle and it was the same each time but getting worse. The pain was excruciating. I am now hopeful that I will be able to maintain NC and I want all the people who are suffering to have my story to learn from, along with all the other stories so they can get free and have whole and happy lives which is everyone’s birthright. Thank you for your blog. Much appreciated.
Thanks Suzanne: You are absolutely right – No Contact is the only way to get better.
ES
I have a question that’s been bothering me about my ex N for awhile.
First I need to tell you that we had been together once before years ago and then years later we began seeing each other again.
So during our first time together, he was at my parents’ house with me on Christmas day and my mom took a picture of us, which she had gotten two copies printed into a 5×7, framed them and gave each of us one.
I found out he still had his when we saw each other one day during our second round. And the way this happened was while we were still just starting to “get to know each other again” and didn’t really know which way things were going to go.
We had gone to lunch this day and on the way out of the parking lot, he reached into the back seat of his car and produced the framed picture of us all those years ago. I was surprised to see it. I was flattered he’d held onto it for so long. (It had been 13 years since we’d broken up at that point.)
After looking at it, I motioned to return it to the back seat where it had come from and he said, “Oh no, that’s for you to keep now.”
I was a bit taken aback and this didn’t feel right but I let it go like so many other things that happened that prodded my intuition after that. I did keep it…(until the end this time), but I still wonder about that.
What was that about? Why would someone give something back, particularly a photograph that had previously been given to them. And was I just being sensitive about him giving it back or was it the red flag that I now think and believe my intuition was telling me it was?
Any input, thoughts would be helpful. Thanks.
Hi Annie:
That is strange, but then we both know that N’s do lots of strange things.
Have you ever heard that pychos save a trophy from their victim?
I am not saying that’s what this was, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
He saved something of his supply, you.
I think it is amazing that he found it and brought it to your date 13 years later. But, then again maybe not that unusual. It shows intention and planning.
Did he orchestrate the first break up and save this memory (photo) of happy times, so he could give it to you when he caught up to you again, do you think?
I am not a psychologist as I have said before, but I think that a dr could tell you that this “re-gifting” is part of the N’s pathology. I’m fairly certain that it has an offical name, but I don’t know what.
If I can, I will check with my psychologist friend who is my “go to” person for all things N – but they are out of the country right now.
As you said, I think it was clearly a “red flag” that something was amiss.
Elisse Stuart
Suzanne, I loved your story! Thank you for sharing. My N (or sociopath, whatever he damn was) used to keep me up till almost dawn. I became very tired, listless, depressed. I ended up getting quite sick a few months after it ended (which I am still struggling with) and part of me wonders if there was something about him that “poisoned” me (I think it was just the stress – it was just awful).
After about six months of NC, I had some contact with him about a few things I was returning. He tried the “come back” thing on me again (did he think I was insane?) but it actually helped me to shed any sentimentality about the whole thing and see him as he actually was.
Thank you for sharing your story of healing, and your mission to learn to love the self. I am trying to do the same.
Much love!
Thanks Hells Bells for commenting to Suzanne –
He was insane and you would have re-joined him if you had let him drag you back under again.
Glad to hear to you are doing better.
ES
Thanks.
It is still a journey every day and I am aware that as each day NC goes by, that I am enjoying the peace and quiet in my home; no more being kept awake throughout the night, or having to deal with pathological lying and behaviour. That is the thing that is so wearing; the constant hyper-vigilance, exhaustion and anxiety and the feeling of lead in my stomach.
I realised that everything was about either something he needed or wanted from me. His affairs were in constant disarray and his life is in chaos. You know what; we all deserve a lot better. My life is mostly ordered, my job is solid, I am reliable and I have my own home and solid social network and group of friends. I have been seeing a counselor (who is most impressed with the speed and skills I have been learning) and a kinesiologist who is working to heal the underlying issues within me. I am becoming stronger and gaining new insights each day. I am recognising that I must create my own life in integrity and remove everything and everyone who is not in line with my integrity. That has been a huge revelation.
I have been able to say to potential dates and guys who I have been on dates with, that what they are giving me or wanting with me is not who I am and by keeping clear boundaries, I am protecting myself. I am not the same naive person who originally became involved with the N in my life. It takes time and work on ourselves, either with a good therapist or energy worker, but with NC and time to heal, we can get there and have wonderful, productive happy lives.
REMEMBER! REMEMBER! REMEMBER!
N’s have an uncanny ability to know just what will work to come back into our lives, so if you have to return something, just find a way to get someone else to do it, burn it, sell it on eBay but DO NOT try to give it back. If you have contact and get drawn in, you are back to square one and the grief cycle starts all over again.
It goes like this; you separate and feel good for a few days to have him out of your life. Then you start to remember all the good things and think it can’t be all bad and besides, I am missing him. In he comes and within a very short time, his abusive traits start affecting you again. You separate again and it is like a merry-go-round.
So, I have painfully learned that I need to think of the N as a packet of heroin and remember that he is that dangerous to my health. I wish you well on your journey and with NC you can regain your life fully.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if you relapse though; it generally takes most people involved with N a few times of letting him back in before they realise that it is a merry-go-round they NEED to get off and stay off.
Ganja is marijuana and in Cuba, that is what they call it.
I, too, am impressed by your emotional healing as well. Thank you for sharing with us.
ES
How long does it take for the N to miss you???
Let me tell you for me it was 7 months……By that I mean..not 7 months of no contact…7 months of hell….and 32 days of NC.
Yep….in those 7 months we fought…bad!!! And, me not knowing, at first, about narcissism, ..I just kept fighting, and defending myself….then I got wise…mirrored back to him….and went NC!!
He tried several attempts to contact me through friends and family..no luck there….then he took his FB down….YEA!! All was quiet…calm…I was finally relaxing and gaining my self back. This weekend…last night in fact, he put his Fb back up…and sent me a rather long and lengthy private message. He talked about how we weren’t meant to be…that we had to think about others in our lives now…and then…after 7 months..and 32 days of NC he told me he loved me…always had…always will…That he had never ever loved anyone like he loved me. And that he had lied to me about having a new girl friend…but only because he wanted to make me jealous. Which, of course HE said HE knows it did! Then he went on to say he never wants to hurt me again…that because of who I am…his first love, his childhood sweetheart, the love of his life…he felt it was necessary to cause all this drama and fighting so I would back off for my own safety, sighting his military background as a reason for his bad temper….UGH!
Then he went on to say he dreams of me almost every night…that he misses me..and my laugh and the way only I can make him feel….he said…”good about himself.” He said I needed to concentrate on my life here and now…without him but that he wants to remain friends..and he never wants to lose me.
Then he said….Good night Blue (his nickname for me) Sweet Dreams and I love you! So, that’s how long it took for the N I knew to miss me….I resisted the hardcore urge to respond….and blocked him….I heard from a friend today he has taken his page back down!
Dear Faye:
Have you ever watched those fishing shows on cable?
The fisherman gives the fish a little line and after a few minutes starts reeling the fish in.
This can go on for hours. Let the fish think it can swim away and then the fisherman reels it back in again.
At the end, the fish is so exhausted and weak that the fisherman can just bring the poor fish into the boat. It flops on the deck of the boat and it’s over.
The N does that.
Re-read what you wrote – do you see how he reels you in with some “sweet nothing” and then smacks you with a devaluing comment?
Stay NC.
Block him from contacting you on FB, the option is in your provacy settings.
ES
Thank you for your blog post! It was comforting for me to read. I had been with my N for 6 months. He refused to commit the entire time, yet at the beginning claimed to be falling in love with and wanting to marry me. He later stopped saying those things and left me feeling very confused.
I finally decided I’d had enough and told him I felt hurt by how he had treated me and felt it was best to stop dating. He turned it around on me and made me feel like I was the problem in the relationship. He refused to validate my feelings. After that, he didn’t contact me for six weeks. During that time, I was depressed and missed him but knew no contact was the only option for my sanity. Just as I’ve started to move on and stop blaming myself for everything that happened, he called me (yesterday).
I know, I shouldn’t have answered, but I couldn’t resist the urge to find out what he had to say. He told me missed me, he only has good memories of our time together, I was beautiful, he really cares about me and hopes Im doing well. I admitted I missed him, but didn’t say more than that. Now I’m feeling so set back and depressed.
Hearing his voice made me miss him even more. I’m not going to contact him, but it’s really hard to resist. I find myself waiting to see if he’ll contact me again. Almost wanting him to. I have to keep reminding myself that he knew I was hurting, yet didn’t say a word to me for six weeks. Someone who genuinely cares does not behave that way. My guess is that he moved on to another woman, got bored of her, and is back to me because I’m no longer a fixed part of his life- therefore I’m exciting again. This is all really draining and difficult, but it helps to know there is support from people like all of you and I’m not alone in this situation.
It is very draining and difficult. It is exhausting.
Having contact or breaking No contact will make you feel set back and depressed.
Meanwhile the N feels full of vim and vigor. They seem to thrive on making the victim miserable.
All you can do is maintain NC and keep going forward. Remember what you miss never existed in the first place.
ES
I still can’t wrap my head around what has happened. I had no idea about narcissists and never knew what hit me. EVERY account I have read resonates (OMG…THAT’s what happened to ME!). But there’s still this part of me that wants to believe he’s actually a good guy (never mind that every time I think about it I recognize another lie I had been told.)
I was discarded (I actually received an “official” email which included a “unfortunate” need to cut off all communication)…he got married three weeks later.
I keep struggling with wondering if it was me…was something wrong with me? At the same time, I keep beating myself up for not just staying with it, but WORKING HARD TO KEEP HIM!!! I should have run after a month when I didn’t return an “I love you” and he threatened abandonment. They do know how to work us, don’t they?
I still have a hard time not sending him a text every few days or so…although he’s blocked me in every other way (and his cell service DOES allow to subscribers to block texts AND calls), he still hasn’t blocked my texts! (you get an error message when you’re blocked). The fact that I researched this tells you how screwed my head got in this. But why would he keep that avenue open? (not to mention that a few days after his declaration of no contact he texted me telling me that I was wonderful and he was sorry he hurt me). Gals…is it alligator tears?
It’s sooooo maddening!!! How the hell do we get closure after being discarded?
Now, I will say this…I’m determined to pull the gift out of the sh*t. There’s a reason I ignored the red flags, there’s a reason I got pulled in. No, it isn’t my fault that this guy is a predator, but the experience has really woken me up to those issues I’ve long known I’ve had (and would otherwise be manageable in a healthy relationship), and I’m going to finally resolve them…therapy twice a week (using EMDR therapy), along with some hypnosis (recordings that I Iisten to – lots of good stuff out there) and soon some CODA meetings (codependents anonymous….coda.org – worth taking a look at.)
So…because my horrible need for validation got me into this, I’m asking for it here…am I really off my noodle? (yeah, I’m working on the validation thing…I’m early in the therapy process). This whole thing just sucks…do we get to reach the point where we simple never think of them? Wouldn’t that be the best revenge against their fragile egos?
BB:
You. ARE. Not. Off. Your. Noodle!
Yes, it truly does SUCK, and usually no one else “gets it” other than a highly trained professional or someone who has lived through it. The well meaning people who will/do tell you to “just get over it” are clueless to the agnoy that a Narcissist causes.
I suspect that the reason he has not blocked your texts is so that he can reel you back in again when he needs a dose of your “Supply.” The question is, (with all the work it sounds like you are doing in therapy and spending your fincancial resources) Do you want to go backwards in your recovery by contacting him?
Just saying.
Technically, we / you don’t get closure after being devalued and discarded (sometimes multiple times) by the narcissist. There’s a previous post on “That Elusive Closure…”
Our best closure comes from recovery and finding out what about us made us the perfect target.
ES
The no contact is the best contact. I was married to one for 3 years together total of 4. Their goal is destroy and break you. They move on quick with another supply. No matter how much you think about him it will only stop you from moving forward. Ask support from an experienced therapist. Surround yourself with positive and friends who are positive and have high standards and value. Everytime you think of him do something positive for you. Tap into your talent. Prayers help a lot. There are a lot of churches out there that can provide spiritual support. Prayers is the key to diminish the enemie’s control over you. God bless..
Maripazlara:
Thank you for commenting.
ES
Reblogged this on enjoylifesjourneys's Blog and commented:
To all the ladies out there…. there are just some men who are not even worth hanging on!
Okay – thanks for giving me credit on the re-post.
You might want to give your posts and re-posts a category and or tags. It helps people find you when they are looking for topics at wordpress.
ES
The narcissist will never miss you. No contact is the best way so you won’t fall back into his tricks. Having a relationship with a narcissist is very unhealthy. They will destroy you to the core. He will never run out of supply. If you are his main supply he will suck the life out of you. While you’re weak and waiting for him to give you aid you will watch and hear that he has a new supply –
younger, prettier-any woman that could feed his ego. They never change.
Maripazlara: Truth!
ES
How true what you say about a Narc never missing anyone. He only miss your usefulness and source of supply. Nothing else. As I look back, my Narc had eyes that looked dead especially when he was making love or when I was giving him a peck on the check. All those years in our relationship,save for the idolising period, he never ever made any loving gestures of kissing me or touching me except when we were having sex and whenever, I give him a peck on his cheek he always back out slightly as if he doesn’t like it. He refuses to say he loves me and likewise refused to say it to his ailing mother who finally died of cancer. His excuse was that it was too soppy. Yet, he made a big deal of her funeral and spent alot of money. This was however, after a big disagreement with his brother on the money.
My narc always called himself a pevert which he proudly said was a trait of people with high IQ. But even his rages got the better of him which normally puts him into a spell of dark moods that he found unbearable. One day he decided to see two psychiatrists (separately) And both diagnosed him as having suffered from childhood trauma due to abuse (neglect and bully).i also suspect sexual but this is only my gut instinct as he truly hated his late father and his brothers, especially his second brother.He stopped further counselling and treatment after that. He did admit to me that flashes if his traumatic childhood still haunt him. He also mentioned that he was always caned by his mother (whom he loved very much) but he admitted it was only because he was extremely naughty when he was young and she only punished him because he was wrong. I always knew he had deep psychological problems based on his crazy rages but once I realised he was a narcissist, I had to face the reality that he never loved me and that explained why he could abuse me so badly. I believe he only valued my love for him because it was the link to his control of me. But he detested me for being in love with him and it became apparent to me after a few years that he would always explode over a small issue after I expressed my love for him. It was as if he didn’t want it and knew he doesn’t deserve it (otherwise why was his family so bad to him?).
His ex wife suffered deeply in their relationship and attempted suicide on many occasions. He would control her, make unreasonable demands on her as a test of her loyalty to choose between her parents and him. He complaint that his only daughter was always too busy and kept to herself most of the time but I suspect this was her way of dealing with him. Despite being beautiful, she could not have any successful relationship herself and he claimed she had inherited his terrible temper.
He was so vain and shallow in his needs for people to admire his looks and body and he told me umpteen times I am too old and fat for him. Yet when I lose weight, he would threaten to leave me citing my breast was sagging and my only saving grace would be gone and he would have lost all desire for me. And that would be the end of us.
I could never understand how a man who you thought loved you would threaten to leave you when you become old and sexually unappealing to him. The biblical “in sickness and in pain, till death do us part” certainly does not hold true for him.
It was without doubt that he would leave me the minute he could find a younger woman to replace me. I also suspected he was never faithful in the first place. He is a flirt and unconsciously will flirt even to older unattractive women just so they can admire him as he sprout about like a rooster showing off his body, seriously, it was more embarrassing for me than anything else as he looked so pathetic.
My narc was very sexual and he used this as hook for women and wanted them to admire and desire him. In itself, it was a critical source of supply for him. He also think he is very intelligent and rich and therefore often boast this fact to others. Hence, it is without doubt that he will continue to his last breathe to be desperate for women to admire him for his sexual prowess, looks, money and brains.
Come to think of it, I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.
Certainly, I do not want to hang around any longer as the man I fell in love with was nothing but a fraud, a shallow character and pathetic one at that.
Hi there! I nominated you for the Narcissist Slayer blog award. Follow the link here:
So, what is the most precious thing I have taken away from my relationship with the narcissists in my life?
After all the confusion cleared and I began the healing work that was needed, I have gained more of myself than ever, can now set really good boundaries and maintain them. I have learned that it was never about the narcissist. It was about me learning to give to myself and that what my outside world reflects is what is happening inside me; so within/so without.
As I have progressed on this healing journey, I have learned all the ways in which I sabotage myself and look to the outside to give to me what I will not give myself. I am the creator of my life and I learned that what I created with the narcissist was disappointment, not getting anything good for me, pain, angst, fear, sabotage, and the stripping of my soul of all its worth. I no longer have to do anything, go anywhere or be anything other than my true self and live in my own integrity within the boundaries of my value system. I now have a peaceful life and it is simple, sane and safe.
I have not seen my ex-boyfriend in several months now. It was at this time last year that I terminated the relationship and began a somewhat back and forth process of NC. Through that process I learned why NC is so important to healing too. It is only as we implement NC and maintain it, that we remain safe and connected fully to ourselves. There is no hope for the narcissist and they will always go on to new supply.
For us though, we need to become our own source of supply and learn that we are valuable enough to give ourselves all the loving attention and care that we lavished on the narcissist even though he/she did not deserve our care. I now live a life that is in balance and harmony. I do not think of my ex-boyfriend very much and he is part of my history for which I will be forever grateful. He gave me back to myself in a way that I could never have got any other way.
These people are so very destructive when they enter our lives. We find that slowly, we are demolished piece by piece until there is nothing left of our self-esteem, we get more and more exhausted and whatever fun we had in the beginning with the narcissist disappears. All that is left is fear, negative emotions and a racing heart, wondering what will happen next.
Slowly we begin to hate who we have become and there seems to be no answers that we can see about why, no matter what we do, our relationship with the narcissist never improves. Many of us start to seek out information and suddenly we find that our condition has a name; co-dependency! The relationship with the narcissist was never meant to work. All that he or she has done, has shown us our deepest wounds. It is a gift in blinding technicolour that we can claim as ours, if we choose to give up our victim statement and start to heal. Once we learn the truth; that he or she was never our soul-mate, and will never be our soul-mate, we start to do the work of dredging up all those painful old beliefs, feelings and thought patterns from the depths of our souls. We slowly begin the task of using all the energy that we spent on the narcissist, on ourselves.
For the first time in our lives, we begin to learn self-care. We start to erect sound and strong boundaries, discover our value system and begin to live in our integrity. We start to come from that place in our relationships with others and at some point, we go No Contact and remove the narcissist from our lives. Sometimes, we still think that there is hope and we allow the narcissist access to us again, to our detriment. Each time we do that, the abuse cycle takes less and less time to degenerate into destructiveness and being devalued and discarded. For those of us who choose to hang on and hope, there are only a few outcomes.
The first, is that the narcissist discards us and moves on to new supply, which has been waiting in the wings anyway, for the moment of our demise. That person does not realise it yet, but he or she will follow the same trajectory as us once he or she is no longer useful as supply.
The second option is that we contract a serious illness, brought on by the stress of relating to the narcissist.
The third, is that we are so broken and devalued, that we see no other option but to commit suicide.
By far, the best outcome is that you learn who the narcissist is and discard him or her and move on to create a wonderful new life, free from all kinds of emotional vampires. So really, the narcissist is a gift that, once opened and used for its correct purpose, will give you the chance to learn about all the ways you were wounded as a child, to heal them and to have, for the first time ever, the life you were designed to live.
Dear Rainbow:
So very beautifully worded.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Peace to you
ES
Dear Rainbow,
True to your name, your words shines bright in the midst of darkness in my path to find my soul. I’ve been reading for the last month and a half and your words really touched me. Like most of the people here, I had no clue my ex boyfriend was an N. No wonder nothing made sense, I thought it was me, most of the time I thought I was going crazy coz no matter how much I tried to wrap my head around it, it just never made sense. Nothing made sense. So when I learned that he’s an N, everything finally fit. Everything made sense now. It was hard for me to find closure, for I, too, was devalued and discarded.
But it’ss easier for me now to find acceptance to what has happened because now I know what he is. It wasn’t me that was going nuts, it was him! Now I can finally wrap my head around it and start the healing process of forgiving myself.
It is tough like everyone says but we must move on in order to preserve our dignity and our self esteem otherwise we will be forever lost in the web of lies, deceit and mind games. If we choose to stay with him, one day we will wake up and realize there is nothing left but a shell of yourself.
Pick yourself up, look around you and realize that God is with you. He will give you strength to move on, just believe in Him. He has given us other blessings too, just look around you and you will see your children, your parents, your sisters/brothers, friends, etc. They are all waiting to be with you. Embrace them and love them and find strength from them.
Let us be strong!!! Find yourself and never go back!!!
Thanks again, Rainbow, for your inspiring words!
Dear Kelly:
Thank you for your comment Kelly. You sound as though you are well on your way down the path of recovery.
ES
I have a question which noboby ever seems to be able to answer effectively, but which is very important!
Before asking the question, a little info …
1) WHAT HAPPENED: I survived a most traumatic relationship with a narcissist.
2) WHY?: I was too naive, young and immature to understand who I was trying to relate to, plus I am an empath. (not pollyanna though) I was wrongly taught that being patient and forgiving is natural and rational, because ‘nobody’s perfect.’
3) PTSD: I was deeply affected by him and, as a result, a year after the discard, I was still so messed up that, for the first (and only) time in my life, I even experienced one episode of dissociation, when subjected to further abuse in the working environment. I guess I just could not take any more of that, I just paralized there and then, unnaturally calm though, feeling nothing except my body!
I also kept dreaming about him.
4) CONSEQUENCES: I reacted by becoming the exact opposite of what I was: From TOTALLY naive to TOTALLY suspicious and terrified of people, always wondering about their words, “WHAT and WHY are they saying THIS to me? What do they expect my reaction will be?”
I even started obsessing about my own EYES and about keeping in check with an absolute blank non revealing stare HOW others are watching ME through their eyes, to instantly notice IF they are
getting my emotions and if they are making subtle sadistic smirks or smiles as a result of possibly detecting ANY kind of weak emotion, like fear, on my part; also new to me. I now can get terrible rages if I even get the feeling somebody is treating me like my exN did.
So it’s like I feel a part of him is inside me, I don’t know how else to describe it!
But still, the apparently contradictory thing is that I am enormously more empathic than I used to be, like my empathy got enhanced somehow, not lessened.
For example: I sense other people’s pain immensly to the point that I feel pain too if I see others sad. Trust me, I experienced some remarkable situations where it was like I FELT all the pain the other person was feeling, instantly, to the point that I would start crying and sobbing and feeling desperate all of a sudden just looking through their eyes! Now I feel absolutely very protective and even more totally respectful and loving towards people who suffer, more than any other time before in my life.
POSITIVE ASPECTS ABOUT the N-experience:
1) I now sincerely understand that being alone CAN be a blessing indeed, and that ANYTHING is better than being with a Narcissist, given that you RECOGNISE that you are dealing with one.
2) I now understand that my personal (human AND therefore NORMAL) fears, which all normal people have (loneliness, emptiness, finity, fear itself, sadness, not being worthy …), CAN be artfully used by others against me, and by means of myself (in other words: Ns let others be ruled by their own fears, … and when N-supply (this is what I was for him, an object) ultimately finds out, we have the additional self-blame and shame for letting Ns do this to us by our own selves!)
3) I now understand that there are people with NO EMPATHY … believe it or not! Understand it/accept it or not.
4) I am now humble, and will NEVER ever again say “it could not happen to me!” Instead I don’t judge, I shut up and think “Unless you lived through that, you cannot understand what it feels like!”
QUESTION:
Since I want to stay away as far as possible from Narcissists … here is the question:
“When I first meet somebody, how do I know: … … if I am talking to a Narcissist …. (not again please!”)
But, what I really mean is, how would I know… for sure (no doubts, and excluding other
pathologies, if there are other pathologies which are similar or easily mistaken for N)… from the start (possibly just after a few weeks or months from meeting somebody.)
COROLLARY TO THE QUESTION:
IF you answered that only a very good psychiatrist can know, and that there is no way for me to know …would you be implying that I am condemned to either:
1) Isolate myself from ANYBODY else…
2) Or subject myself to possible Ns and ultimately find out / find out only when it is too late for me to avoid feeling abused again?
THE QUESTION IS IMPORTANT because:
1) The urge to TRUST somebody can be strong, and makes us biased when objectivity is required, … We all look for love and care, it’s human nature!
2) The ability of Ns to conceal how UNCARING, MEAN, and FALSE they are is truly excellent … and one always wonders and wonders and wonders…”Is he? isn’t he? Is he? isn’t he? … to the point of self-torture!
3) Giving a list of narcissistic traits is not useful, we who were once traumatised know only too well the traits … especially when very visible at last!
PLEASE help with some useful answer!
P.S. I understand that you are not a doctor Elisse, but maybe some doctor reading the post could try to answer; or maybe there’s someone who might know one who could ask him/her for an opinion ….
Dear Karen:
I tried to answer your comment by email, but your email address was not valid. I am working on getting an answer for your from a professional, but while we wait for their answer, here are some thoughts from me…not a dr. and I don’t even play one on TV. (It’s a very old commercial.)
There are many wildly waving “Red Flags” that could be a clue for you (and anyone else) when you meet someone new. I am going to post these as they come to mind, so check back.
While I am driving my youngest here and there, I have ‘fabulous’ thoughts/ideas that come to mind and I can’t always stop and write them down. I also don’t mean to sound sarcastic or humorous, but my answers might come out that way. Sorry.
1. If a grown man/woman (women can be N’s too) wants to jump into a new relationship like a lovesick high school freshman, texts you constantly, shows up unexpectedly, makes you feel like you are being smothered…they could be an N or they have some other unhealthy relationship issues.
2. After being with this new person, do you feel exhausted? Ask your self this honestly and not based on the excitement of going out with a new guy/girl. I was exhausted after spending time with the N. Very much the same way you might be feeling after being with a needy but intelligent toddler for several hours.
3. Do you feel icky when you are with this person? Do you feel like you are being smothered? Do you feel like you are dealing with an emo teenager in an adult’s body?
4. Have you met the new person by being introduced by a friend? Ask this person what they think of the new guy/girl. What does your family think? Listen to what they think.
5. Have you ever watched ‘The Bachelor?’ (The best season of it was the year that it was Ryan & Trista and that had a very happy ending with a wedding and so far two babies.) In the show, the guy takes a couple of girls home to met his parents. I recall seeing where the family members really let the bachelor know what they think of the prospective brides.
6. Listen to your gut. Some people don’t believe in ‘intuition’ but I do.
7. I can’t help but direct you to a post from Dr. Joseph Carver, a psychologist from Ohio. He allowed something that he wrote called “Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser” to be freely used on the Internet. In fact, I think I have posted it during the past several years on my blog.
Check out what he wrote. You can read it as though he is giving you pre-relationship advice. It is quite long. I would advise printing it out and grabbing my favorite tool…that yellow highlighter.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
I just dumped a malignant covert narc bf of just over 2 years with the following words after experiencing narc rage over the phone, after I confronted him on what he said the day before: “I could rip you apart in 5 mins and make you feel like the lowest piece of shit ever.”
When I commented that it didn`t sit well with me, he flew off the handle and said he didn`t mean me personally that he was referring to anyone and that I read way too much into things. He went on and on and then said he needed to hang up.
I hung up on him before he could get the last word out. He wanted to spend New Year`s Eve with me after he ruined Xmas with me, when I said on Dec 15 that my ex husband had to come over to get my daughter`s clothes, for 5 mins and that it would be best if he (the XN) left. He lost it saying I put ex hubby first ALL the time and that I probably started this argument so he could come over for Xmas dinner instead of him.
Holidays are a bad for him since I invited my ex to Thansgiving this year when he moved out after living with me for 3 months right after I left my ex hubby of 14 years.
I told him I couldn`t live with him after I got the silent treatment for 5 days. When we got back together again, which was on and off from Oct 2013 to now, it was always about my ex husband saying he feels like a second class citizien. It was stupid of me to literally drive down the road, leave a marriage of 14 years that was already done way before I met him and then move in with him. I knew it wasn`t going to work but wanted out of that marriage to my husband who I knew was gay and just not wanting to admit it.
He raged after he found out the ex was invited to dinner while he was off in a cold basement living with a bunch of losers as he pointed out. He is one himself. I was verbally abused too many times to count. He never got to spend xmas with me. My ex and I care for each other but not in love. He has ALWAYS been there for me and we have a teenage daughter together.
Told the ex N that he is in my life and it`s not going to change. It drove him nuts. So when I hung up on him I texted him to say that I`d rather spend New Year`s alone. He texted back saying that he wanted to be alone as well. So I sent one last text that said “I do like who you are as a person. Your character is horrible. I am going to run far, far away from you now and never will have to listen to your narcissistic rage ever again. I pray you will become a better person and forgive you for everything you have ever done to me.”
No response.
It was almost as if he could have no comeback for that. I feel as though I confronted him because subconsciously I did not want to spend New Year`s Eve with him. The entire time I was with him, I battled a cocaine addiction and did it secretly when no one was around. When he moved out is when I could breathe again and stopped doing it.
I remember being in a cocaine stupor when I found out about narcissism after we were making a nice dinner a week after he moved out when we tried to slowly date again. On the turn of a dime, he accused me of cheating because he saw my brother`s body wash after he stayed the night which my brother did confirm to him which made him look stupid. The day after all this happened he came back, slept over and gave me a peck on the cheek to go to work. I fell back to sleep and had a dream about being in the back of a car and seeing Jesus appear out of the forest. I remember walking up to him and seeing his face and feeling comfort. Immediately when I woke up, it felt as clear as day. I knew I had to change and make every attempt to get out of this relationship and also off drugs which were ruining me at the age of 37. I actually was able to kick a cocaine habit but not this loser.
Someone please tell me why I have the constant need to text him back in the silent treatment period. He always makes excuses for his behaviour, didn`t once say sorry for the blowup before xmas and blames my ex for interfering and me not setting boundaries. In his eyes, he has done nothing wrong!! It is sickening with all the gaslighting, projection and sick way he has of twiting things around!
I want to strangle him and love him at the same time. I had a lot of anger when I found out he was a narcissist and I even told him he was one! I made sure he knows he is one! I am the one who is a drama queen, f***ed up, depressed headcase, cocked out, who has been who is killing herself. That is what I was called a few months ago!
I had a stomach ulcer and throwing up blood and he tells me I`m a liar and I should just call 9-1-1 myself and that he has to work. I hate him, I don`t want him and actually am ashamed to be with him in public but I still want to be with this loser.
Why is it about me winning.
Why is it, I will go a few days of being mad at him right after a blowup because I know I’m standing up for myself and what I believe in and then I get sentimental and miss him. I am always the one to contact him. I don’t want this person. He has done prison time for 16 months of the 2 years I have been involved with him for a parole violation. He is a hardenend criminal and the prison aspect makes it that much worse.
My ex husband always worries about me and my well being and has always been there despite the fact that I have treated him badly because of this loser. I just want to be on my own. I make 80 K a year, am an attractive woman and intelligent. Yes, I batttled an addiction but I got out of it.
Why can’t I get away from him permanently?
I don’t want to be with him long term. I know he is no good for me so why do I keep trying to feel something is there?
He charmed me at the beginning and everything seemed perfect for the 20 months of our relationship. It went downhill as soon as I moved in with him. I made the sure the lease was ONLY in my name which is why he left. I don’t recognize who I am anymore and feel twice my age. After that conversation today, I literally felt so tired and had a headache that I had to take a 1 hour nap.
A 5 min conversation with him sucked the life out of me. I”m ready to move on but then I feel like I have to text him and want him in some way. I know I don’t really want him. He is no good for me and we are from 2 different worlds.
I thought stupidly that I could help him through my love. I am a good person but as soon as I had to concentrate on my own issues when I moved in with him, he changed and made me feel like it was all my fault. I see him for what he is and he knows it! I never try to hide the fact that I think he is a narc. He knows!
I hate him and feel like I love him all at once. I can’t take this anymore. I have everything I’ve always wanted in terms of being on my own and feel miserable. He has never taken money from me and actually paid for a lot of things in the apartment which I still have. That was always used against me. It’s almost as if I feel like I have to keep trying because I feel like I didn’t do something right but I know he did this through fear conditioning to make me feel this way.
I have read so much about narcissism, my head wants to explode. I’m so tired even in writing this it takes so much out of me. My bed has become my new best friend as it has been in the past. I go through cycles of being okay when he is around but still at a distance and then I feel like I’m going crazy when we fight and he is ignoring me. I just want to let go once and for all!
Dear Can’t:
Only you can help you and it’s called NO Contact!
I am sure that you’ve read multiple posts here on that topic.
When when the XN goes into the “silent treatment” you MUST stop texting and calling him.
You say that you have kicked the cocaine – you can surely kick the narcissist habit.
You asked in the body of your comment, “Why can’t I get away from him permanently?”
The reason is that you haven’t really tried.
You are addicted to the N. How did you break the cocaine habit?
Use the same principal to break yourself of the N.
ES
Thank you Elisse!
Since reading many of the comments here just a few days ago, I have changed my mindframe and my phone number! Drugs are no good and so are all the N people we have had to deal with.
I also forgot to mention that my Mother has very strong N traits so it doesn’t surprise me that I have been conditioned to this sort of dysfunction.
I also have a brother who I just realized was with an N for 10 years! She will not let him see the kids and I even tried to bring presents to them last week and she told me I had a lot of balls coming to her house considering I know what my brother is like.
I told her my brother is my brother and I would never side with her in her smear campaign which is what N’s are so good at! Then, I told her to f*** off and walked away. She is building up a case against him making false allegations yet meanwhile she is an unfit mother and my brother worries about his children. He has called Child protective services on her and they are keeping a watchful eye on her. He is currently taking it up with the courts trying to get full custody against this witch and has gone about it the right away and not having further contact with her. He is trying to get custody.
She also says I am not able to see them and will make sure of it. Ultimately her children will be taken away as claims of child abuse have already been made by the children themselves. It is so sad to see what she is doing. When we brought the presetns, they were cowering in the corner while she was yelling at us.
Lately, i’ve realized how many narcisisstic people I’ve had in my life! It’s like I have a tattoo on my forehead attracting them and it’s going to stop and already has. I have not spoken to the N since Dec 30 and am staying NO CONTACT! I realize my life is better without him and as depressed as I have felt, I have decided to force myself to do the things I used to do, but it’s not easy.
I have gone past the phase of wanting to text him and missing him. I know I will get there. I’m just worried about him reappearing just when I’m feeling good and all the progress I would be making. He cannot contact me now but I’m worried he will literally show up somewhere.
When he left, so did the anxiety but I don’t need more because it was severe.
Dear Can’t: One more day of NC is one more day. You are on Day 3 by my count. It is hard to do the things we should, but we know we must do them.
Do not spend your time worrying about when he might reappear. Instead live in each moment. Do not worry about tomorrow. Today has enough to concern ourselves with.
ES
Aside from realizing that I’ve come into contact with more than one N in my lifetime, now I find I’m hearing songs on the radio that I can relate to narcissism. Google this song “Sweet Nothings” by Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch.
Dear Can’t:
Will do.
During your recovery, you will find many traits of narcissism in people you encounter. Some are N’s. Some are just selfish individuals who never outgrew the toddler “me me me” stage.
ES
Thanks Elisse. Now it’s been a couple of days no contact since Dec 30 and I hve to say that this site has helped me so much with all the comments that I’ve read. In just a few short days I have literally had that “Ah ha” moment where I started to not miss him or wanting to text him. I felt panic in flight mode that I now HAVE to protect myself against someone who I now view as the devil.
Staying no contact is now or never because if I go back, it will be the same cycle all over again and my health and well being has already been affected mostly because I’ve had to deal with him. I find my mind looking back now and recalling all different types of scenarios I found myself in with him or comments he’s made in the past and to think that I thought it was normal during that time solidifies N’s can use fear conditioning to control and manipulate people.
The other thing that got me through the first few days and the comment from someone was that we often mourn the loss of a person who never existed. It clicked. Once I faced that fact, it was easier to realize that no matter how hard one tries, the will never be that peson. That’s how I finally made sense and to give up and go no contact. Now I am ready to stay far, far away from him! Now this all seems extremely scary to realize I was with someone like that. I cannot live in fear of him but am fully prepared to deal with it if he seeks revenge or even just a hoover maneuver and trying to get me to break no contact.
Thanks to everyone for their comments. It has helped me immensely!
Dear Can’t: Something that I did that was very ‘kindergarten level’ but very helpful. At the end of each day I would cross another day off the “No Contact” calendar (no stickers) and pat myself on the back for getting through another day. I know it sounds very light hearted, but it helped me be able to celebrate another 24 hours of success.
Elisse Stuart
Hi Elisse,
Thanks! I am going to get a calender and do that! It’s been 5 days and I DON’T WANT HIM BACK! lol. Now I look back thinking how the hell did I get involved with “that”? My heart has finally caught up with my brain. I’ve given up on him. There is no help for him. I am now focusing on myself and instead of focusing on the whole narcissism aspect and him, now I’m looking at sites related to victims of narcissism and emotional abuse. I’d also like to be able to help those going through it even if they just need someone to listen.
I’ve read all the comments and it’s heart wrenching. I’ve only endured this sort of abuse for 3 months with the devaluing and discard phases and I can only imagine what it’s like going through it for years. I commend all those who have gone through this no matter how long they suffered through it. It’s not an easy road but once we see the light,after no contact has been established, dealing with it is much more managable. It is possible to get through this.
I have had more energy in the last few days and not feeling physically tired. The fog has officially lifted. I am ready to move on..I didn’t think it would take this short amount of time to realize what the hell did I see in this person ESPECIALLY with the way he has treated me! I know I didn’t deserve that but it’s what he projected onto me to make me feel that way. Basically all brainwashing.
I don’t need him. He can’t offer me anything and I don’t mean that in a financial sense. I want someone who is interested in me, my opinions and to share something together. I have my own business, make good money to be able to supportive myself, own 2 houses and now all I need back is more self worth/self love and setting proper boundaries for myself which I didn’t do too much in the past. That is priceless.
THANK YOU!
That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell everyone, even him!
I’ll give him a speech about how I am a fool to have allowed him to destroy who I am. That he will cause my fall etc.
But, I swear in sometimes less than two days he is repeating what I said to him and using it on me like they were his own words. And if I try to point that out, I’m backed into a corner tripping over furniture because of how angry just that makes him.
And when I would he would say things like you and nikki (the mother of his child, whom always called, but never pressed DV but he still has like 2/3) by how I was flinching so much. .. But it would be after he put his hands on me or charged at me…
After a while I noticed that he would purposely raise his hands at me but try to play it off as if he were racing for something, then he would Laugh.
He’s threaten to kill me track me.
Destroy my family.
I fear where I am, but I honestly am more fearful of the things he’s capable of!!! My family drove up to rescue me and now I get the bi**h this and that, then if I respond, then it’s the I love my wife that I am throwing the marriage away that I never cared about it.
I’m sentimental and those things poke my heart but at the same time infuriates me. I’ve been battling myself to the point I can’t tell if my heart is pumping blood, I no longer feel it. He’s violated and disrespected EVERYTHING I’ve shared about that hurts me I have been depleted of all that made me me.
I can’t take his back and forth!! He’s made numerous accounts just to communicate with me. I want to torch my belongings weld my car door shut and floor it off a bridge.
Anything I’ve loved Anything I held dear to my heart have been ripped away and torched before my eyes. Without my love and morals I’m not who I was born to be. And without my passion.
I’m nothing. I want to just sleep.
Dear Gina:
It sounds as though you are at your wits end.
I hope that you would be able maintain NO Contact long enough that you could feel some of the sanity you have been deprived of to return.
Please do, sleep, read, clean the place you are staying….take a walk. Take care of yourself.
The narcissistic fog will clear.
ES
Hello everyone.
It is so good to read some of the stories.
I have been NC since Nov 19th. I left him. He made it seem like he left me, so I begged him back and he agreed to meet with me again as usual and then I just flat dumped him and have not spoken to him since.
I know that sounds cruel. I could not let him leave me as horrible as he treated me. I at least had to have that control since I had no control or say in anything else. I told him he was the most abusive man I had ever been with and I was only with him for six months. I hope that still makes me sane. I sometimes still question myself and these blogs are helping.
This guy was so nice at first. I just loved everything about him and he was so kind. That is why I chose him. I thought he was so kind. We became intimate at week six and it all went down hill from there. I had known this man for years before we started dating. He told me in essense I was crazy and he was going to try and hang in there to see if I would get better but he wasn’t sure, I might be hopeless.
So we spent several months trying to see if I could get “better”, in other words not need to be with him and not expect things from him because that made me “needy.” Mind you, I am a very independent woman with a masters degree, a nice full time job, a home of my own and plenty of my own hobbies that did not include him. I have friends and a nice family.
But he called me needy, dependent, obsessive, not ready for love, unlovable, no one is ever going to want to be with me the way I am, I don’t inspire him sexually, too emotional, abusive, not aware of what I am doing, need psychiatric treatment and the list goes on and on. I thought I was going to lose my mind, but I don’t think I did.
I saw a therapist who also had the pleasure of meeting him and told me to get as far away as I possibly could. But still, it hurts. It is the most hurtful thing I have ever gone through and I am still recovering. I am having better days, but I still have him as a friend on Facebook though I don’t go check and see what he is doing and I have stopped reading the blogs.
I don’t call and I know he won’t call me. He told me in no uncertain terms that he would never come chasing after me because I was not worth it basically and that’s “just not something he does.” So I know I am the only one that is suffering about this. I know it’s not because I loved him, now. I know it’s because of the abuse and trying to make sure I am not all those things he said I was.
I think he tried to send me to a mental institute. I think he wanted to take me down and I don’t know why. It just really hurts, but I am doing better every day. The words still are in my head and some days I can still hear his words to me plain as day. I want them to stop and I want it to go away. I am hoping each day it will get better.
I need to unfriend him on Facebook and am surprised he hasn’t done that yet to me since I was so uninspiring and such a mental case in his mind. I believe I am perfectly sane, just hurting from the abuse. It helps to write.
Dear Karen:
No, I don’t think it was cruel for you to dump him. I think it was fantastic and it gave you the upper hand. Certainly the actions of a strong woman….and that ‘putz’ called you “needy…” HA.
I’m sure the therapist already told you that all his name calling of you…”needy, dependent, obsessive, unlovable”…….ETC – that is called “Projection.” He is all the things that he called you. To try and make himself feel better, he “projected” all of his flaws on you.
If I might give some advice: I would fix my Privacy settings on FB so that he might still be a friend (You don’t have to unfriend him) but he will see nothing that you post. You can even go on and block him from seeing your photos. For all he’d know, you’d removed all photo albums.
Although, frankly for the best most complete healing, he should be blocked altogether. You do not want to have a weakness of “N-dipping” and be able to go to his page and see all the stuff he is posting.
I really feel and relate to the last commenter
Even though I owned my home and had a great career and my x lives in a transient hotel that rents by the week, and doesn’t even own a spare tire for his car, he always spoke to me like I was the failure.
Often, those memories and words come up and I get a shudder down my spine. My toes curl and I feel that sting of humiliation and wanting to prove I am not those things, even though I know none of it is an accurate description of me
On every level I know he was NPD and abusive so why am I still thinking about it as if his opinion was valid in some way????? Why does the actions still hurt??? Bc it was so cruel maybe????
Thanks
Dear msscarletto:
I don’t know why for many of us, that this – the humiliation, why we value the N’s opinion, etc…why this aspect haunts us for so long into our recovery.
I’ve thought it was because we’re are so nice and caring in our interactions with others and it is next to impossible for us to wrap our minds around the fact that there are people who are so evil that they enjoy hurting other people.
Just my two-cents.
ES
Karen….I did a similar thing.
When my ex-N walked out the door (of a 23 year marriage, AND after already been caught cheating) I knew I didn’t want him back. And I KNEW he would be waiting for me to ‘beg’ him to come back (if for nothing more than to give him N-supply!).
And even though it was all so incredibly painful to have my world flipped upside down and my life & family destroyed I knew it would be the best thing for me.
So here’s what I did to stomp on his Narcissist tactics…..while he immediately rushed out of the house and called up his latest “N-supply” and invited her to join him on his Yacht for a week in the Bahamas…..I was busy contacting a lawyer and had his a** served with divorce papers. Not in a MILLION years would he have ever thought I would do that!! So it was ME who had the upper hand at that point! Like you say, “the control that I NEVER had in the relationship”. EVERYTHING was for and about HIM….ALWAYS!
He would have LOVED to be wining & dining his new N-supply while having his old N-supply (wife of 23 years) begging for him to come back. He could hardly get his enormous head out of a doorway as it was! I’m happy to say that Karma has been good to me and he is currently in a downward spiral (financially, emotionally, physically) and I have had the pleasure to see him ‘crash and burn’.
Not that he has made ANYTHING easy for me since the divorce…..I’ve had to fight him for alimony and everything in the Marital Settlement Agreement that he has refused to obey. I am left to worry every month if I will get my payment or not because he has also changed jobs without telling me, moved without telling me and is just basically trying to hide from me so he won’t have to pay. I was a stay-at-home-Mom for the entire marriage and I only had a high school education (I am 57). He has a Masters Degree and makes over $500,000/yr. And yet he lost his precious Yacht in a lawsuit, he has two tax liens and two county liens, he has 11 accounts in collection, he had his business Am-Ex account closed for lack of paying the bill, he was fired from a VP position/job that he was with the company for 11 years, he has two properties in foreclosure, he had a car repossessed, etc, etc. His new wife (N-supply) apparently can’t manage the finances the way I did and he never did them so he doesn’t know how to…..all he knows how to to is SPEND, SPEND, SPEND!!!
I hope everyone else who is going through the nightmare of getting away from a Narcissist will have the pleasure of experiencing Karma the way I have!!!! It doesn’t make all the pain and memories go away, but it sure helps!
Freebird, I LOVED reading this!!
This is so true. So if I think he will miss me does this mean am I an N too?
No, Mel – You are not an N for wishing that narcissist will miss you….
ES
Hi Everyone,
I am very thankful I found this site, as it is so helpful in my case.
I have been in a relationship for 12 years (on and off, mainly due to his addiction issues) and separated for 2 years now, but didn’t know until I found this site that my ex was actually an N.
Despite being 2 years separated, I am still having a hard time getting over him.
We have a 12 year old daughter, so I can’t really cut him out of my life.
And despite reading many things on this site that tend to prove that my ex is actually an N, I still have doubts…
…Or should I say had doubts till tonight.
Very little contact with him (few times over the past 6 months, where after begging me to get back together, and me refusing, I would get some nasty verbal abuse.)
One last contact this evening where all I got from him was pure verbal abuse: “All my friends think you are ugly, they all wonder what I was doing with you! I’m so glad it’s over because you are so ugly! Look at you, you should be ashamed, you look like nothing! I have a great life without you! etc…”
I still don’t understand how someone (even if I know now it was all pretend) can be that mean and disrespectuf to his ex partner and mother of his child?…
I have sole custody of our child, as my ex-N lives in a different country.
And he is not giving any child support (he is on the dole.)
(The few times I did try to talk to him about sending what little he could, as every little helps, all I got was “I cannot sh*t money!”…)
He does call her most evenings, and she seems to be ok with it.
I am just worried now because she is to spend the whole summer with him (without me) and although I know he’s never been verbally abusive towards her (yet he does not show any consideration of his daughter’s feelings), I do not know if I am right to let her go.
I want to do what is best for my daughter, but I find it very difficult to do so with her father.
Some guidance would be very welcome.
And thank you for this site.
Many of us here find it hard to get our close friends and family to understand what we go through (as many of us, always tried to either “hide” our ex-N’s bad side and temper or “only praise” what was good in them…), so this site really helps in so many ways.
Dear Fan:
Thank you for commenting – I am glad you did.
If it were me – and I’d had a child with an N, who lived in another country and the N wanted to take the child for the summer – across the border…..I would say “No way in Hell are you taking my child across the border!”
Where I live – if a child is taken out of his or her home country by a parent, or possibly kidnapped by the non custodial parent across the border or overseas – if is very difficult to get the child back.
Also, with as abusive as your X was to you, and seeing as how your daughter is reaching teen years -sorry, if it were me, I would not let the XN have visitation rights. I have read so many letters of the children being verbally abused by the XN while on custody weekends.
If you have a court order that says you must share custody – then you must, but I would talk to my lawyer regarding what can and cannot be done first.
ES
I am still worried though, wondering if it is the right thing to do to cut him off my daughter’s life.
I fear that this might “fire” back later and generate issues between me and my daughter?
Anyway, you made me realize I need to more cautious and figure out what relationship there is to be between my daughter and her father.
Thank you very much for your answer Elisse, great to have you and your blog.
Dear Fan:
It made me worry to think that your X could take your child to another country.
She would not have you nearby. How would you know if the X was not treating your daughter as you had been treated?
Does your daughter even want to go with her father during the summer? In my country, I beleive she’s old enough to say no.
Children are smarter and more perceptive than we as parents sometimes give them credit for being –
She may not even want to go with him for longer than a weekend. Ask her.
ES
This is so accurate. In my case he tests the waters every 2-3 wks. Throws crumbs to see if I catch and same story. Very predictable, but then again, so am I
The “waters” that the N keeps testing….? Those “waters” need to freeze over.
There should be nothing for the N there.
ES
Thank you so much for posting this.
You’ve helped me so much just now. I was emotionally vulnerable when I met mine. That’s why I ignored the warning signs.
I mention the following to show a contrast later: I’d just come out of a relationship with a real life prince and thought I just wanted a “normal” human guy with a salaried day job who liked to read and eat after work.
I was surprised this man didn’t ask me a single question about my past, my interests or aspirations. I burst out laughing when he suggested I could be a “supermodel.” He spent a lot of time talking about himself, like how he’s “taken a dump on every continent.”
One day I stopped him and asked why he repeated stories so many times. I felt like we were always at “start”. I ended things there. He pursued me with passion and vigour. I thought he must be serious.
Now once the relationship was established out came the delusions of grandeur: he says he’s a king, a talented comic, an author, a sexy beast. I took pause because he works in a mental hospital and thought he surely caught something.
He was genuinely offended when I informed him he wasn’t going to be a monarch, not as a 46 year old former US marine “wid fy kiiiiz” (5 children) who slurs words whenever he attempts to speak above an 8th grade reading level, and doesn’t know the meaning of the word “diadem”. He has 2 masters degrees and reads law so how can’t he manage to write a grammatically correct sentence? Of course I recognise there’s something wrong in his brain but when I brought it up, he complained I was good at “correcting”.
By this time I was looking for an exit because he had an unrealistically high opinion of himself and I was literally going grey over the nonstop BS. I was directing a stage play recently and of course he showed no interest in what I was doing. No questions, not even about the title. Instead he wanted me to compliment him once more about some new “joke” he’d “made up”. I flat out refused to comply. The day before the opening, he sent yet another incoherent text, pure gobbledygook, and then another one threatening to end the relationship because I hadn’t answered immediately. I asked him to do me the favour of sulking. Well, after ignoring me for a week he sent me some greetings and smiley texts. Today he’s saying “I really miss you a lot” and “Babe please forgive me”.
That’s how I found this blog. I’ve not answered and after reading this and earlier posts, I immediately blocked his numbers. Good bye! Thank you for this!
Agyness:
I think you are the first person who’s ever told me that after they read several posts and comments, they immediately put the advice they read into action.
I am glad you’ve blocked his numbers. For all us, we have the solution at our fingertips and it never occurs to us to just not answer the N.
Proud of you.
Stay with the No Contact.
ES
You have some choices to make here. The thing about the N is that we are addicted to them, just like a drug and relating with these emotional vampires means that we have a peptide addiction that will only start to heal when we go total NC. All the people who have gone NC have been able to heal and go on to have wonderful joyous Narc free lives.
You say that you know that this man is no good for you, but the instant he is gone, you want to have contact in some form.
If you are really serious about getting this man out of your life and healing all the pain and suffering and reclaiming your life, you must go NC. It is a challenging process, because once you do that, you will have to face all those feelings that he distracted you from feeling. The reason we get addicted to N is because we are wounded inside. If we were not wounded, then they could not come into our lives and hone in on our vulnerablities. We have leaks in our ability to set and maintain boundaries and having them in our lives means that we do not concentrate on making our own lives as rich and full as possible.
Nobody can make us happy. Only we can do that. In order to attract a better, healthier person, we must be what we are hoping to create.
Many people continue on in limbo with these losers for years and eventually lose all their self-esteem and get very sick or commit suicide. These energy vampires suck all the life out of us and leave us with nothing. They are dead people walking around and cannot feel like the rest of us. All they can do is use us as a source of supply for them. They cannot live without supply and they usually have other people who are supplying energy to them in one form or another. If you are a woman, he is likely to have other women about whom you know nothing.
Telling war stories is not going to help you either or maintaining a victim stance. If you are serious about being whole and living a great life free from this person, you need to go NC. That means deleting and blocking him on your email and phone, from all social networking sites and that means unfriending and blocking. If he comes to your door, then do not answer it at all and do not respond to any attempts that he makes to come back into your life. If you do this and commit to heal, you will start to feel better. The other thing that is necessary is to deal with the peptide addiction. To do this it is important to do some energy work like Quanta Freedom Healing modules or kinesiology. These programmes can remove the peptides and charges from you energetically.
I can promise you that after just over one year of healing from the crazy-making that the N brought into my life along with all his chaos, I am a new woman and my life is back on track and functioning very well. I am grateful for the experience with my ex-b, but it is a much nicer life and my home is much more peaceful without him in it.
Your other alternative is to continue in the way that you are going and you will get more of the same. They always keep coming back again and again out of the blue and they have nothing positive to give you. All they can do is take your energy and anything else that you have that they feel entitled to take. Conscience and empathy is not in their vocabulary.
Rainbow I really feel that your comment is the truth and I am reading and rereading it. I am going through a very traumatic breakup from my husband, who did some very abusive things over 4 years. Yet I never wanted the relationship to end. I am having therapy and beginning to accept that there may be hooks from my past that keep me from having normal boundaries and make me forget and forgive anything to keep my marriage. I resisted this idea at first, because although my childhood was chaotic, with a highly narcissistic, middle eastern father who abused my mother, I never felt as if I was particularly close to him and as though it had affected me. I was always the one who wouldnt put up withany crap… until I was in a relationship. I am beginning to see that my husband is very like my father in many behaviours and that I do have wounds. I still cant quite believe that strong, independent fiery me would have been attracted to that type. I still love my husband and am having trouble realising that he does not feel things in the same way as me. He plays games, to win.
I am finally at the place I wanted for so long. it has only taken me…ermmm 3 yrs in total, a yr of no contact, then I met the man who made everything seem normal again. Elisse, I thank you for being there. Without your blog I think I still would of been waiting on his call. To everyone who is ending a relationship with a narcissist, hang in there. Yeah it is tough, but Wow life is so much better x
Dear Bluenose:
This is such good news! I am so glad that things are going great for you. ❤
God Bless.
Hugs.
Elisse
When do you know when the N is done with you for good?
Dear Sonia:
That’s a good question.
In some cases where there are children involved, I guess you can’t say when you will be truly done with the N. There will be graduations, weddings, grandchildren.
For those where no children were in the picture – no shared property to split…the end of the relationship is up to the ‘target.’ If No Contact is broken due to sympathies for example, the N can keep sucking the supply back in over and over.
I think when the N realizes that you are not going to put up with his (or her) crap anymore – they fade away. But that’s not to say that they don’t continue to try to contact you. You have to remain strong. If the N lives in the same town you do, there’s always that chance you could run into him/her.
For me, until the N was actually removed from my environment – he kept trying to terrorize me, if you will. That was 2 1/2 years. 18 months later he made yet another appearance. I’m at 4 1/2 years No Contact. I pray it continues.
ES
How weird – the N I dated contacted me about a month ago (I swear he must have intuited I was at a low point – feeling a bit lonely etc – talk about psychic bonding!) after about two years NC. I did cave and spend some time with him. But I also ended it at a specific point and afterwards, when we had talked about hanging out together in the future maybe, I could sit with myself and decide that that wasn’t going to be very helpful for me. He makes himself very ‘available’ – not like a normal friendship, in my opinion, but there are hooks and barbs that go with that. My boundaries were pretty shocking when I dated him, to my detriment.
I’m not recommending this for everyone, but for me the shake out was that I could see how much work I have done on recovery since we were together. When we met up I could also take him off his pedestal somewhat. I was REALLY wanting validation over certain things from this person, but now that I’ve had more time to think about what my values are, and what I can give MYSELF and ask for from others, he doesn’t have as much power in this area. I am still very much a work in progress but this was interesting.
I’m also quite codependent (working on that pretty hard now) and was able to just let go and let him be who he truly is (which he showed me actually, many times. I just never wanted to believe it).
When we dated one of the hooks was that he ended up being a prime emotional support for me (not that i got much back) but I’m working a few 12 step programs pretty hard now so that is the support network I now fall back on, a network that feeds me back the TRUTH, not the denial I was in with and around him. So this makes me less susceptible to needing to be around him. If that makes sense.
Yours in love and hope xxxxx
It was my experience that “psychic Bonding” was a real thing.
ES
My 43 yr old fiance has a 74 yr old wealthy male cousin that’s been divorced 3 times. My fiance is very pretty and her cousin wants her to be his companion and go on elaborate vacations and weekend trips with him. That doesn’t seem normal to me. She is very religious and doesn’t have much family. She hasn’t been around him or his brothers family much since she was a young girl. Her parents are dead. He has already started throwing money at her to go with him to family get together’s . On one of these trips he hinted very strongly that she should be his traveling companion and he would take her anywhere she wanted to go. He is a lady’s man and flirt. I think he’s a narcissist. I don’t have a very good feeling about him. I think my fiance may be getting sucked in by him. I would like to hear what you think.
Dear Mike:
Hi
First, I have removed your last name from your correspondence for the sake of your privacy. (:
No, you are absolutely right with your “gut” feeling. It does not sound right to me either. If she is your fiance and I assume going to marry you soon, she is not going to have time to go on elaborate vacations or even weekend trips. Very sad that this wealthy man has to pay someone to go with him on a trip. I’m not a Dr. and I don’t really have enough information to go by, in order to call him a ‘narcissist’ but I agree, something is not right. Perhaps she can suggest that he find someone else to accompanying on these trips, someone closer to his age? As you say, he’s a lady’s man, your fiance may find her self sitting alone while he makes his “moves” on someone else in a skirt….or pants…never can tell.
I hope that her love for you is strong enough not to get sucked in by this man whom as you say she has not had much communication with since she was a young child. (There’s a red flag) I would hope that she would not be lured in my the $ that is being thrown at her, and I would hope that having been alive 43 years, that she has enough people experience to sense the “Red Flag Warnings” that are clearly flying, & not so proudly, I might add.
Good luck to you and thank you for commenting. It is a nice treat to get a “real” comment, and not one more from the “spell casters” who seem to flock to my blog in great numbers.
Elisse Stuart
SO TRUE. After 14 years of marriage…he is not sad, broken, or embarrassed. It is the strangest reaction. But at least I don’t have guilt that I broke his heart or that he is feeling the pain I was. No – NONE. He stands up tall, chest slightly puffed out, with an expression of “all is right in the world.” I know sad people and he ain’t one. How do you end a marriage…an 18 year relationship with NO FEELING – no attachment? If I didn’t have an N parent, I literally would not be able to accept this horrible truth. But I can see the same pattern in both…extreme disinterest, extreme lack of attachment, it looks sick. It IS sick. And if nothing else, it’s the final slap in the face. I mean, at least have the courtesy to miss me….after all of the abuse I endured from you….Sheesh!
Dear Lighting:
Right on sistah! You said it so well.
ES
I now know that evil exist in our species, in human kind form but they are monsters and they’re among us and that scares me, for my family and friends, because they’re not aware of such evil. I thought I had found my soul mate, I fell in love for the first time at age 47 and he swept me off my feet and was so perfect on every level, until he became himself and unmasked the monster and the chaotic roller coaster began for me…
I broke up with him so many times and I found myself patching up the relationship thinking of ways to improve it, to where he would be happy, regardless of how I felt…I educated myself on what an over thinker is and then what a Narcissist is and that was my boyfriend. I told him and I helped him by looking up help for him.
He would tell me that he hated who he was and that I deserved better. I finally agreed with him.
After almost 2 years of loving, hating, being tormented and exhausted to no end with this crazy f**k, I left him.
Even though I never really met his 6 and 7 year old kids in person, I met them through Skype but he never took me to his home or to meet his kids, or spend an evening with him or him at my place, we never had any kind of normalcy in this relationship.
It was based on sex at first and then nothing….Now I called him out on his selfish acts and he’s settling out of court, for I sued him for mental anguish and I threatened him in getting him fired from his favorite job, because I have text messages, videos and photos of his business trips, us together in his company vehicle, on company time. I wasn’t suppose to be with him.
So I’ve got him by his NARCISSISTIC balls and I pull his strings for now and I’m looking down at him and I’m watching him hate me, for I have taken away his power & his grip on me. I have gotten back my identity and my self worth.
I own myself again and I know I will love again, but first I had to forgive myself, be patient with myself and I learned this monster so well, I beat him in his own selfish game….I refused to be anybody’s victim, I’ll be damned if the N was going to have the last word. The last say so about me or my life. They’re monsters, but they bleed like us, they walk like us and they too, can get an unforgettable spanking …..
Dear Elvira:
Well! You go girl!! I have removed the narcissist’s name from your post as that is not safe for you or the rest of us here. I hope you understand.
ES
narcists are always called like this by women who are dumped..it does not mean the men are really bad or narcists the women are more likely to have ego problems for being dumped and then blame it on the men and call him a narcist..very easy and handy eh)) first love him and when he dumps u he is a psycho
Michael:
I have removed your last name for your privacy.
Generally women who have been repeatedly “devalued and discarded” by an individual, abused, had their character & reputation ruined….once the woman comes out of the “N fog” she realizes that the man she thought was a Prince Charming was/is a prince of darkness.
ES
In response to what Fanny said earlier…our situations are very similar. My husband who left 4 weeks ago (we had split about 5 times prior)–had issues in bed also. The sex was never “great” but in the beginning it was at least frequent. The odd thing was that he could only climax by doing it himself. I have heard this is common of ex-inmates because they do masturbate so much, it becomes the only way they can climax. He was always bragging about all the women he had sex with prior to me. I never did catch him cheating, but he would not let me have access to his phone for over a year.
Come to find out, he had taken a picture of my 10 year old daughter sleeping in her t shirt and panties and it was on his phone. She figured out how to unlock it when he was in the shower. I confronted him and he had a valid excuse, saying that since she had played this game at the lake where some adult and jerked another adult male’s shorts down, and she had thought it was funny and did it to him, that he took this picture with intentions of telling her he would put if on FB if she jerked his shorts down again.
I believed that…at the time, but now think it was a lie. She is now 13 and several other incidences followed. He brought a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition home and showed it to her, telling her not to show me. I caught him in his truck getting his “kick” looking at pics on his phone, yet we were not having sex and had been getting along. I now wonder if it was HER pic he was looking at! She says she caught him laying flat on the floor trying to look under her door and HE says he was just picking up a sock. He asked her if she shaved down there…when I asked him if he asked her that, he said yes, he did not want her clogging up the pipes in the shower. The list goes on and on!
I always believed what my daughter said, but I was stupid to also believe his “excuses”. When we had sex, he would want me to “take care of him”, there was no kissing, and he never even touched me with his hand, except for my breast. He called me names, made me feel like I could not cook or keep house, and I have never been told either before. He moved into my house before we married and he had lived in an RV (a really expensive RV,) but he would cut down my house, and not take care of it, expected me to pick up after him. He let his dog ruin my carpet, said my house was a “gutter”….I kicked him out Jan. 2014 and 3 days later, he called crying and begging, saying he knew he had been bad and he loved me. He said he had always been able to walk away from any woman, but he could not me.
I took him back and it was great—for a while. While it was good we got married–BIG MISTAKE. We were married in Nov and after the incident where my daughter thought he was looking under the door, and the fact he was not helping with the bills, just occasional $ here and there, I ended it.
4 weeks now and NC. Why do I feel so “out of it?” I sure don’t want anyone around who “could” be of harm to my daughter, and I feel stupid believing his excuses. I don’t WANT him, but I miss him and the good times we did have. I feel crazy! Please advise, and he has not been diagnosed as a N, but doesn’t this sound like one?
Dear Shelia:
Please remember that I am not a doctor.
What he sounds like is a pervert and a real a**. No matter what his “psychological title” he sounds like something you do not want in your home. The first red flag was taking a photo of YOUR daughter sleeping in panties and a t-shirt. I am sure now you see the rest of the red flags falling into line and waving madly.
You are going to have to tell yourself that along with “all the good times” were way too many dangerous situations to subject your daughter to. Thank God she told you what had occurred, so many children do not.
Every time you find yourself missing him, remind yourself of what he did to you and your daughter.
Make. A. List. Of all the bad stuff…pages for yourself, pages for your daughter.
The bad will far outweigh the good.
Every time you “miss” him, refer to your list. This is a bit like putting a rubber band on one’s wrist and snapping it every time one has a craving or the like.
I am thankful that you threw him out before further harm was done to your daughter.
ES
You are so right about the N never missing you..i have been through this a hundred times over..he misses me so he says then ignores me…while he works on another victim…i almost ended my own life because of him..i felt worthless..im smart,pretty,and well liked and its taken a while to peace this altogether and to realize it wasnt me…he lies about everything demands what he wants,tells you what to wear and how you must look for him…he is a wealthy man and a braggart,he is as shady in business as he is in his personal life..he has an attitude that he owes no one anything…he is heartless doesnt want you to have a life but continues on with his own…never expect a sorry from him..but in the beginning stages comes on like Mr.Wonderful..beware he will destroy you if you let him…i know im worth more and deserve better…too bad they are so sick and will never appreciate the goodness in life.they destroy everyone they touch..and go on to make messes of others lives..so dont think you luck out if hes not around.he does you a favour by ignoring you, take advantage of that and run.
No one cares what your oppion is they just what the question answered factually… No offense to you but we don’t care for your judgment
Dear Miss Piggy:
If you don’t want my opinion – having lived through a situation possibly very similar to yours – then don’t ask my advice.
If you don’t want my “judgement” – go read somewhere else.
Thank you for your post. After calls, text, asking for dates and never showing he has stopped calling and texting. We have been married 10 years and he was always leaving me. Does this mean he will leave me alone now?
Well Phil, we can hope that he will. ES
I understand what you’re saying but why would they SAY they miss you? I left the state to get away and he calls daily one day loves me misses me the next hates me and I left for another man (untrue)
But my ? Is why does he say he misses me and loves me? Why doesn’t he just move on?
Dear Shelley:
I can only think that the “miss you/miss you not” behavior is just a part of the “freakin’ crazy mind game that they like [lay with their victims.
He doesn’t want you to move on.
He can’t move on…he just keeps finding victim after victim.
ES
Need advice:
My sis husband is a narc hole. He uses every excuse known to man to justify his evil behavior. He is the most competitive cut throat business man I’ve ever come across in my entire life. He blames people for being so naïve or stupid as to why he justifies taking advantage of them. He cheats on her and blames younger women for falling for his lines. With a smirk he will laugh and state “at least he got his rocks off.” No remorse, thinks everything is a joke! He owes everyone from here to China, he makes his business look successful by lying. He thinks my sis was only put here to cater to him, the kids, and work full-time. She works and busts her ass full-time at work at the office, doing hair on the side, and then comes home to have to cater to him all damn evening. He doesn’t raise a finger to wash a dish or mow the lawn unless she stated he gets sex from her. So needless to say she said she is usually worn out. He thinks he is a God or Guru or the Man of the Year and acts that way out in public. Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Father Figure, Mr. Business of the Year, Mr. Church Goer, Mr. Does Everything So Perfect. It’s all a show! All of it! He thinks he’s a sex God or something he even winks at me when I visit and tries to hug me all the time. He thinks it’s ok to cross boundaries, never be on time, not pay bills when he doesn’t feel like it, leave the kids for her to handle every weekend while he’s out carrying on with affairs with women 1/2 his age or drinking. Besides him being such a STUD he needs his FREE time. Any advice on what she should do? I can’t stand watching it anymore. If I had a ton of money I would give it to her to leave his rear. He’s a real peach.
Dear LJ:
Wow. She has to decide when she doesn’t want to stand for the abuse anymore.
It is her decision. And – unfortunately there are children involved.
ES
My N is always saying how he’s not getting enough sex. I abhor it. I have almost broken away, twice. He was gone 3 days. It felt like heaven. Then, he started calling. I said No. Then somehow he convinced me things would be different. My kids were devastated that I let him come back. Why, why, why, did I let him back?! The next time, we fought and he said he was ‘done’ too. I was so relieved. By day 2, I started feeling panicky and disassociated. I actually started to feel sorry for him!!.
But I stayed strong until Day 4. He let himself into the house in the middle of the night and climbed unto bed with me. I was so disgusted with myself. I still am. My kids are too. I don’t know what to do, because I feel trapped financially. I want to be brave and get him out, I DO!! But I get so scared when I start thinking about how we will survive on just my income. Help. How can I do this?
Dear Yaassaman:
If you have read any of my answers to people, when they read my blog and ask for advice, then I am sure that you know I don’t pull any punches.
It speaks volumes that your children want the N out of the home. Your job is to protect your children from abuse.
22 years you’ve put up with the abuse and the insanity?
I am trying to understand, why you didn’t change the locks when the N left the second time?
I don’t know how you provide and care for your children on one income – what might be more important to ask is, Do you really want to be responsible for adding 3 more adults to society who think that the way the N treats you is acceptable?
do you want them to have similar adult relationships and problems when they reach maturity?
You ask, “How can I do this?” I have to ask, how can you not? Your post sounds like a cry for help and I hope you will contact a woman’s shelter, your doctor, a therapist, someone who can help you.
There’s a verse in Proverbs: It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.
Here’s my extremely paraphrased version – It is better to live in a leaky attic than with an abusive narcissist who makes your very existence and that of your children’s, a nightmare in a lovely home.
My ex boyfriend is a narcissist. We have remained REALLY close friends even after the break up. We dated/lived together for 2 years and have been friends who are an important part of each other’s daily lives for 2 1/2 more years. Now he still talks to me pretty much everyday and we see each other a couple times every week. He is currently living with a new woman who he lies to about seeing me. She found evidence in his car that proved he had been with me. Now he said he can’t see me this week because he can’t take the risk. After the live in girl calms down will he come back and be my friend like always?
Dear Jill – My apologies for not having answered for so very long.
I have no idea if he will continue being your friend. I guess you have to ask yourself if want the continued drama.
ES