You may recall my post a while back telling you that I thought it was time (past time) for me to shred all those documents that I had printed out and highlighted while consuming blackberry Merlot. I didn’t get 1/4 of the way through the stacks before I found the following article. It was one of many that was too good to send through the metal teeth.
The author of the article is “Lynn” – she has some very good thoughts to share –
“Getting emotional closure means that you can “close the book” on your situation and its associated pain. You can put that book of pain on the shelf and you will no longer have to take it down and read from it on a daily basis.”
Dr. Phil
Tha elusive closure that survivors almost universally seek is most likely not ever going to be found by looking to the Narcissist. There are a couple of reasons for that. First, a mature resolution to a relationship requires both people to respect each other and validate the other’s feelings leaving each person’s dignity in tact. In other words, it usually consists of an empathetic exchange that includes validation. That isn’t the Narcissist’s forte.
Secondly, a Narcissist generally doesn’t want to provide closure in the sense of closing a door on a relationship. How then could he /she come back and seek out supply again someday in the event that he/she needs it? So, clearly, that’s not the direction one ought to be looking for closure.
Rather than looking to him / her or even to what you can do immediately to find it for yourself then, perhaps the first step is to try identifying what the feeling is you envisioned getting from that closure. It could be a number of things. For me, I wanted validation that it wasn’t all me. I wanted recognition that I had made some kind of difference in the Narcissist’s life. I wanted recognition of my hurt. Of course, none of that ever happened.
In terms of satisfying the need for closure then, while it may seek logical to go to the person causing your pain for some recognition of it, asking the Narcissist to recognize his/her role in your pain is like asking a mosquito to apologize for biting you. It’s just what Narcissists do. They generally don’t apologize because they don’t admit they’ve done anything wrong.
I think we all have a need for resolution, for feeling like we’ve assigned a satisfying meaning to our experiences, regardless of how painful and make sense of it before we can close the book on that chapter of our lives. I think we naturally yearn for a beginning, middle and end – a moral to the story. In my opinion there is no inherent meaning to be found in the suffering we experience at the hands of a Narcissist. It’s just what it is. It’s pain inflicted through interacting with a disordered person and there is not amount of reasoning in the world that makes sense of that or their thinking, or of their “feeling” about us in retrospect. The meaning is going to come from what we each assign to the experience ourselves and that doesn’t come from making sense out the Narcissist and what he/she felt or what he/she thinks. It comes from what we decide to do with the experience; what we find out about ourselves that may have led us here; and what meaning we individually assign to the suffering going forward, not looking back. I choose to use the experience to in retrospect, to grow, to give back, and to alleviate suffering if I can. At least that’s my goal.
Closure for me was a journey to acceptance, a realization that even though my life had changed irrevocably because of this experience in some ways, it need not define me and it never truly did. I did not ever deserve to be treated as if I had no meaning, not by anyone. I refuse to let it change me though, or harden me, or make me into what he would have me be. I can dress this wound myself. I can figure out how to dig down and find the resilience I need to rise up again. It’s up to me to decided whether I’m going to use this experience as an excuse or rather, as a way to live a better life. The N has nothing to do with that and he/she gets no credit for it either. If I tried to give that relationship meaning it would diminish all the true and wonderful relationships in my life.
The following few lines may be simple, but may be of some help:
You loved him/her and he/she hurt you without remorse.
There is no sense to that.
It was wrong.
You didn’t deserve it.
That choice was never about you.
It was about him/her.
That’s the closure most survivors would want could they have it, I would guess: to hear that very thing. You won’t hear it from him/her, you may not get anyone else to recognize it who know him/her…but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. You can tell yourself the truth even when nobody else can. When you believe it, that’s when you can begin working on you.
Someday, you will see him/her for what he/she was and is: nothing more than a shadow. His/Her significance in your life will diminish and yours will blossom as you will realize that you are so much more that anything that has happened to you, including the unnecessary pain and devastation you’ve felt at his/her hands. Make your own meaning from this. He doesn’t get to define this for you. You have so much to give and many people who would welcome whatever that is will do so with open arms and grateful hearts. That’s what you deserve. We all do.
Lynn
My thanks to “Lynn” whoever and wherever she is.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
I hope you have blossomed where ever you are.
This is a wonderful post as so many people are left reeling after A Close Encounter with a Narcissist and feel the need for that ever elusive thing we call “closure.” You’re right in that you’ll never get that from the N. They really don’t give an eff. As I said to one of my readers whose online ID used to be “Trapped,” the door to the cage opens from the inside. It’s within our power to be free. She’s finally changed her name to “Trapped No More.” I wish all who’ve been through such a harrowing and confusing experience will feel this sense of freedom. You have the power to write The End and close the book. Put it up on the shelf and let it gather dust.
Thanks Jan – one of many articles I’ve saved from the shredder.
ps – thanks for grammar check…. 😉
ES
I needed this today more than you will ever know. Thank you Elisse AND Lynn. I appreciate this so very, very much!
Michele – So very glad this helped you.
Bless you with peace
Elisse
Great post Elisse, but I think you missed one small point – they just don’t care once they have devalued and discarded you. You are simply a painting or photograph to them hanging in a far away room, not a real person who deserves answers. Now that is the real killer. They have usually moved on and you are written off as old supply, a broken toy to be thrown out. I’m still trying to get my head around how he can do that to me after 12 years, but there it is. The soul sucker has left the room, and you are yesterday’s news.
Best defense, as we all know is to do the same to them, move on and try and forget, never let them destroy you one minute more. Breath the air, enjoy yourself, you are free, free to find a real relationship, free to do what you choose. I’ve emerged from this fragile but more beautiful. Instead of shuffling around, I’m holding my head high, and enjoying my renewed confidence Eat that Narcissist. The woman you abandoned looks great and doesn’t even care if you are there to see it. Now off you go, destroy some other people’s lives with no care, you will never experience real emotions, just learned fake ones. You have a half life, taking off others, and the ones you leave behind, if they are strong enough, will learn from this, you never will. Goodbye Narcissist, I’m never looking back, only forward and from now on it’s all about ME (in a non narcissitic way!)
I didn’t write this so I couldn’t add or take away from it. – It was written by a person named Lynn on what used to be MSN’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum.
Ruth, thank you for adding very fine insights to Lynn’s post from over 6 years ago.
ES
OK thanks Elisse! Closure is never going to happen with them regardless. It what makes them such monsters, you don’t even get that. Gah, they are nightmares!
No, you couldn’t drag closure or an apology out of the N with a team of Budweiser horses.
N’s are so very much like a defiant toddler – however a spanking, quickly changes the tune of a shoe stomping toddler. Nothing can change a narcissist.
ES
ES, It’s Doris. 3 weeks no contact. Getting on allright, using church and the word of God to strengthen me. Shame is what I get. I do not know where it comes from. I am ready to just be gorgeous and free. And, then all the sudden, shame and Doris goes strolling down N lane just to see if he is sad.
I am not a failure because, I did not make it through the N maze of deceit gracefully. Thank you for this blog. No one really understands what it was like being in bondage with the N. I appreciate your efforts and am glad to know there is life after the N.
They are so arrogant and explosive. Just like a toddler and what a perfect analogy about the budweiser horses. I keep hoping the N will get caught in a big way doing what he did to me and the people who protected him will see it was not me.
Onward..no contact 3 solid lovely weeks. My goal is to not care after 3 months of NC. Mind you I’ve been out of the relationship publically for 4 years and the N stalked and kept me close for the last 4 years..finally, I’ve been given grace to stay away and the N is no where to be seen. Most likely has a few new toys to taunt. It will be ok right. I will recover and hoping that he is exposed isn’t too sinful is it? Many thanks, Doris
You’re Welcome Doris!
Congratualtions on 3 weeks NC
Keep looking forward and not behind you.
ES
I have FINALLY put closure on my relationship with the N. We played a cat and mouse game for a while but I seemed to be a lot stronger than he was. I told him I knew what he was and sent him an article on NS. Told him I’m glad I wasn’t his supply any longer. He called my office that very same day and spoke to HR (character assasination). He complained about my sending him emails and phoning him from the office. He told the HR recruiter that if they checked phone records, they would have proof that I was making personal calls from the office. Hahaha!! Anyway, our HR recruiter had a meeting with me. I told her all about my Narc and she completely understood. I then emailed the Narc (from home that is) and told him that he did not ruin my reputation like he had hoped because I’m well respected at work and that if he had any issues with me, he should speak to me instead of trying to make me look bad because it didn’t work. I also said it was very sad that he had to stoop to that level and that he should really get some help and work on healing his wounds. I know he was abused by his dad as a child. That makes me sad. So, I think I’m done now. I haven’t heard back from him. Whenever he tried to get to me, I stood up for myself and fought back with a vengence. I will continue to fight if he shows up again. I have enough garbage on him to expose him to friends/family and he knows this! I’m very resourceful and have many tricks up my sleeve if he comes back. Narcs don’t respect victims but they are afraid of people with courage. So stand up to your Narc! What also helped me move on was the video I posted on your blog the other day. I started to look at it from the Narc’s perspective. He is a sick person who doesn’t realize what he is doing. That’s how his mind works. It helped me with my anger. I think I finally have closure and I really hope I’ve taught the Narc something throughout this experience.
Julie: Thanks for sharing. The N calling your HR dept is so very much an N’s “MO”.
Glad that the lies he spread about you were not believed. N’s are so very sneaky.
ES
Very sneaky and cruel and also cowardly!
But oh so typical behavior.
ES
Now I’m confused because I DID get my closure. I broke up with him and he agreed that we should go our separate ways. So the ending of the relationship was clear.
But I never got the closure as far as “how?”
How can you claim to love someone, say that you are in it for the long haul, you aren’t going to leave, you love me, you don’t want to hurt me, yet you pushed me away time and time again. To the point where I thought I was going crazy.
I never wanted to leave him. I loved him. But I was a mess. I was anxious and I didn’t think I could take it anymore. It hurt so much because I had so many dreams and goals with him. But I suspect that he’d left the relationship weeks ago. He just wasn’t the same.
So they make it clear that it’s over, or agree that it’s over, but they don’t need the same closure that we do because they were over it for a while.
Right- usually the N does the dumping, so you are in the minority there – but as far as “closure” – you would have gotten the “HOW” answers in a “normal” realtionship…the N cannot give you that. I say out of sheer meaness because they know that is something that human beings require/desire.
Every morning you get up – first thing, be thankful that the N is gone.
ES
I finally got to read this ES, but today it isn’t what I want to hear, even though I know it’s correct. I want some gosh darn closure! He left me hanging, and I got played. Makes me want to wish for his return, so I can play him back and be the one who WON. I normally don’t have an ego like this, but this man has made me feel a bit nutty. I pray for the day that this will be behind me. What you didn’t know is that he was my high school sweetheart. We got reconnected after 28 years, and now I am reliving this crap all over again, I thought he changed! He seems to be hard core into all this new age zen studies, and I actually thought, wow he’s changed for the better. Boy was I mistaken.
Yeaaaah, no. What you thought changed him just gave him another access to Narcisssitic Supply that he didn’t have before.
Leopards can’t change their spots – Can they?
ES
Great article! Adding on to what SuckerNoMore said: my N also portrayed a wonderful human being who was very spiritual, the best husband ever, the best Dad ever and the best friend ever. He was always “praying” for some poor soul who needed his prayers. Just the greatest family man in the entire world. Too good to be true. They are the best actors around. That’s what messes our minds up so badly. It’s so confusing and illogical when the words don’t always meet the actions. The abuse they inflict on us aka their victims is a total raping of the soul. I know how bad it is and that just makes me feel more for my fellow victims. But we are stronger than them. That’s why they CHOSE us. I love the lines from above:
You loved him/her and he/she hurt you without remorse.
There is no sense to that.
It was wrong.
You didn’t deserve it.
That choice was never about you.
It was about him/her.
We didn’t deserve it!! Time to move on. NC and never look back. Ever. Ever. One more time: EVER! I went NC 4 months ago and technically I am looking back…lol. But, in a good way because I still find myself saying: well, yeah he’s a narc but he can’t help it because he was abandoned at the age of 3 blah, blah, blah. All is true, but it still doesn’t change the fact that they will never stop using us without remorse and they DON’T have the ability to really care about us. So, with that knowledge the choice is up to us, we can continue to be abused or just leave it and let it go and next time be smarter. The love bombing phase will never get past me again. If it is too good to be true, than it is. Normal people don’t love bomb like they do. Great friendships start with a slow progression and respect of each other’s boundaries and time. Therapy with others like us keeps us on the right track. We are worth it.
Love and Peaceful healing to all.
It is good not to let the N suck you back in with their “poor pitiful me” scenario.
I know plenty of people who had a horrible childhoods and yet, are not an N.
No Contact is a wonderful thing.
ES
Thank you so much for posting this. I really needed to read it today. I’m going through what I hope is the final discard, trying to make sense of it all and to have enough strength to walk away for the last time. Thank you.
Dear Ouch: I am glad that it helped.
ES